All language subtitles for Natasha.Leggero.Live.At.Bimbos.2015.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[cell phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah, yeah,
Natty Legs.

The people want
another performance.
Oh, God.

You got to give it to 'em; you
got to give 'em what they want.

I got to get
my ready on.

You got to get
out there, Natty.

Natty Legs, bitch.

♪ I got a show tonight
at the comedy joint ♪

♪ But before I hit the stage,
I get my shit on point ♪

♪ I get my muscles loose
with the Jacuzzi fog ♪

♪ Then I get a portrait painted
of me and my dog ♪

♪ I sit for a portrait
of me and Mayor Cutie ♪

♪ Then I get it airbrushed
on by booty ♪

♪ Then they paint in on a cake,
I only take one bite ♪

♪ Fuck those starving kids,
gotta keep my "sitch" tight ♪

♪ Drink 40 cups of Throat Coat
while they're cooking my quail ♪

♪ And after all that,
I have my money detailed ♪

♪ Gotta have your cream steamed,
there's germs on money ♪

♪ And when it's all wrinkled,
gotta fluff and fold, honey ♪

♪ Gotta take another bath
in prehistoric mud ♪

♪ B-B-Back to my room
where I get new blood ♪

♪ The only blood
that works for me is ♪

♪ Blue blood 'cause...
Natty Legs, bitch ♪

♪ And a migrant named Lionel
alphabetizes my vinyl ♪

♪ While I dine with my gyno
a-a-and my jewelry designer ♪

♪ Right before the show,
I get primped and weighed ♪

♪ Then I go to the network,
it's time to get paid ♪

♪ I elegant, that's what I be

♪ So damn fancy,
got a diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-D-D-Diamond pussy,
d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-D-D-D... Diamond pussy [meows]

No, no, no, no.
No.

Natasha, the budget for
your special is out of control.

We've got to keep
this thing simple. Look.

I can show you market research
that proves

people do not
want to see effort.

Uh-uh. I didn't
get into this business to read.

Okay, then
I'll summarize it for you, okay?

Specials aren't special anymore.

And you're making yours
way too special.

You're spending too much money.

I haven't even
finished my intro yet.

I know. I can still
hear the music.

This is the perfect time
to rein it in.

Have you seen
these Louis C.K. specials?

He literally
gets off the bus,

he wipes mustard off his shirt,

he does the show in a T-shirt.

That's
a producer's dream.

I can get you a T-shirt.

That's what people want.

No frills.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Thought about it.
Hell no.

Okay, it's really annoying
when you talk

in tempo to the music, okay?

'Cause it sounds
like you're rapping.

And I'm sorry,

but you cannot call the special

Diamond Pussy.

But I had it polished
for the show.

Okay, it looks amazing.

But we have got to stop
spending money.

Shut the hell up, Mister...

Wearing-A-Suit-Man.

Table flip.

Don't flip my...
Don't flip the table.

It's glass. Please.

♪ Man, fuck this
patriarchal society ♪

♪ Name of this special
still be Diamond Pussy♪

♪ That was a waste of my time,
my show starts in ten ♪

♪ And I still got
a whole bunch of errands ♪

♪ I got business, bitch,
I need forever stamps ♪

♪ They're such a good value,
got me super amped ♪

♪ One more thing
I need to address ♪

♪ An unfortunate by-product

♪ Of saying yes

♪ Down to the clinic,
I'm a superstar ♪

♪ All those bitches
know who I are ♪

♪ 'Cause I have a career

♪ I ain't having babies

♪ The price of two babies
equals five Mercedes ♪

♪ I need another abortion,
so I pay the fee ♪

♪ If I get two more

♪ Sixth one's free

Do you want
to use this one today?

♪ Nah, that's okay,
I'll pay, bitch ♪

♪ While they get the baby
they massage my legs ♪

♪ While they get the baby
I eat steak and eggs ♪

♪ Then I have the waiter
bring a light dessert ♪

♪ Bye-bye, baby,
mama's eating sherbert ♪

♪ I eat steak and eggs
and lamb and ham ♪

♪ Post my meal and abortion
all on Instagram ♪

♪ I get away with this, y'all,
'cause I'm famous and wealthy ♪

♪ Always got time for a selfie

♪ I gotta finish this shit,
get my ass to the club ♪

♪ I'm-a do my show high
on abortion drugs ♪

♪ I feel ten pounds lighter,
even with the steak ♪

♪ And now my body's back
to its pre-op weight ♪

♪ It takes a lot of maintenance
to keep all this juicy ♪

♪ And that's how I keep
this diamond pussy ♪[meows]

♪ Now I'm ready for my show,
I call it what I want ♪

♪ 'Cause they want this shiny
pussy from China to Vermont ♪

♪ Fuck Ben & Jerry,
they're a couple of wussies ♪

♪ Binge on a pint
of diamond pussy ♪

♪ Diamond pussy,
d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-d-d-d...

♪ Diamond pussy [meows]

♪ I elegant

♪ That's what I be

♪ So damn fancy,
got a diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-d-d-diamond pussy,
d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

EMCEE:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Natasha Leggero!

[cheering and applause]

[music stops]

Whoa.

Thank you.
Thank you, San Francisco.

Don't worry, it's faux.

Oh, this is a dead fox.

It's amazing the clothes you can
pick up at the animal shelter.

Hold this.

It's disgusting.

Anyone else addicted
to these things?

So cool and new, we don't even
know the side effects yet.

Literally no testing's
been done.

I can make any Costco seem like
Midnight in Paris.

Oh, is that a stack
of Kirkland khakis?

I thought it was
the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, look, it's Ernest Hemingway.

Oh, that's just
a drunk Native American.

It's great to be here
in San Francisco.

I'm so happy that I get to...

that I get to do
my special here,

'cause this is my favorite city.

This is where I always
try to come.

I recently came here
to San Francisco

with a group of my girlfriends.

We were supposed to do,
like, a ladies' night.

And we get here,
and the whole dinner,

all they do is talk
about their children.

And the moms are showing
pictures of their babies,

and then the ones who
are pregnant, they're showing,

like... what's
the black-and-white picture

of the skeleton?

So disgusting.

And I'm getting grossed out
at the table.

And then, all of a sudden,

one of 'em was like,

"Natasha, how are your dogs?"

I was like,
"They're pretty great.

"They're at a boarding facility
right now.

"My pussy's still real tight.

"And in 12 years, they'll die

"and I'll get new ones.

Pussy'll still be tight."

I just want to know
what that feeling is

that moms talk about.
Like, new moms are like,

"It's the most amazing
feeling, Natasha.

"You can't get it
from a Chihuahua.

It cracks you open,
and you're born again."

Like, I just want to know
what that feeling is

for, like, ten seconds.

Just to see if it's worth
looking that awful.

Because every new mom
looks like she has been stranded

out in the rain
in an industrial city.

Like, not Hawaii; Detroit.

Every dad looks like
a character from Lost.

They're like castaways
trying to survive the elements.

I don't know
if I should have a kid.

I feel like I have to decide.

Do you have one?
No, you don't want to

turn your pussy
into Mount St. Helens?

Seems like so much work.

And first of all,
you'd have to, like,

hang up their shit drawings.

Like, you know, it's like,
"I can tell that's your hand.

It's not a turkey."

And you can't be like,

"Maybe painting's
not your thing."

Gotta get the Uber driver
to take you to the zoo.

It just seems like
it would be so much...

work.

And I don't know if I would,
like, love all of my kids.

'Cause I have three dogs,

and I only really love
one of them.

Do you have kids, ma'am?

No.
No? No...
[chuckles]

I guess my
fans don't...

give birth.

MAN:
Love you, Natasha!

Sorry. I have a boyfriend.

Well, I have someone
I'm practicing emotions on.

And, uh...

it's exhausting.

I will never be pregnant.

For long.

Republicans, all right.

Do you know there are
still three states

it is very difficult to get
an abortion in this country?

That is so fucked up!

Has anyone been
to Salt Lake City?

Okay, Mormonism is real.

These people are so scary.

They are, like,
picketing everywhere.

They're-they're putting...

Mormons are putting
all of their money

into trying to stop abortion,
and they're rich.

And they're putting
all their money into...

You know, this is their whole
goal in life-- to stop abortion.

I'm at the mall, and the Mormons

are picketing the mall:
"No abortion."

And then someone came up to me,
and they were, like,

"Um, this is
a Mormon-owned mall,

and you need
to cover your shoulders."

I'm, like, "Oh, because
of that Mormon taboo

of shoulder fucking?"

If there's any Mormons
watching, uh...

It's for you.

Apparently, there's a problem
now with Mormon gangs.

Now, I've never met anyone
in a Mormon gang,

but I'm assuming
they don't rape you.

They just pin you down and
take turns holding your hand.

Do you guys understand
this religion?

They have a floor
of their temple

dedicated to baptizing
dead famous people as Mormons.

And, so, obviously,
I wanted to see that,

so I went to the church,
and they wouldn't let me in.

They're, like, "I'm sorry. You
need to take a worthiness test."

And I was, like, "Uh,
do you mean a gullibility test?"

I'm just saying.

Here's what I don't understand.

Republican, white, male,
Christian dudes.

I cannot kill a tadpole
living inside of me,

but as soon as it expands
and comes out and grows up,

you have full reign
to pay it minimum wage

or take away
its health insurance,

blow it up if there's a war.

Fuck you, Republicans!

[applause and cheering]

Maybe we're not in the mood

to turn our vaginas
into lasagna.

I'm just saying,
if you have sex with someone

in one of these states,
make sure that one of you

has a car good enough
to cross state lines.

How can men judge women?

Men create wars.

Women create men.

It's our one genetic flaw.

The worst thing a woman's
ever done is fuck Flavor Flav.

Maybe supported the career
of Josh Groban.

That's it.

[sighs] Maybe I should
just adopt a 17-year-old

so I only have to raise it
for a year.

By the way,
I would rather walk in

on my boyfriend jerking off
while hanging himself

than have him have one of those
Call of Dutyheadsets on.

That's the one where you protect
our country from your couch

while you're eating a sandwich.

I saw you nod your head, sir.
How many hours a day?

Six.

Six? How old are you?

40?

When Napoleon was your age, he
conquered half of Europe, so...

Just something to think about.

Are you married?
No.

Men don't even want
to get married anymore.

Marriage seems like it would be
the best deal for a dude.

You could, like, get someone

to have sex with you
for the rest of your life,

someone to find your wallet
every day,

close the cabinets behind you,
pick up your socks.

Okay, it would be one thing if
guys would take off their socks

and leave 'em on the floor,
but they'll, like, pick 'em up

and then put 'em by the bread.

Why are your socks by the bread?

"Oh, they're not
all the way dirty yet."

I mean, I could see,
like, 100 years ago when...

'Cause you see
these TV shows now and movies.

The women are, like,
"I'm 31! I have to get married!"

Like, I don't understand--
what is the point?

There is no point to a man...

Like, 100 years ago, I got it.
You had to get married.

They wouldn't let women vote.

They wouldn't let us read.
We would...

They would tell women, if they
read a college-level book,

it would shrink their ovaries.

Like, your dad would give
some guy some land

and some cows,
and you could just relax,

and, like, if you wanted
a dress or something,

you wouldn't get a job.

You would just, like,
twist your dimples

and talk to your husband
and act like a baby.

Like, "Please, Mr. Sweetie,
buy me a dress."

And then, if he didn't give you
what you wanted,

you would just faint, like...

They had couches
made just for fainting.

If you didn't get
what you wanted,

you would just get the vapors
and pass out.

Now we all have to work.

All these dudes--
no one wants to grow up.

There's, like, these hipsters,
so many hipsters in L.A.

You know these guys?

They'll be, like, 40 years old

wearing a flamingo onesie
and, like,

carrying around
an old-fashioned typewriter.

They got a monocle.

Just, like, looking for pussy.

Like, they're like
calculated bros.

Sorry if I'm calling you out,
guys, but it's, like...

They've all figured out girls
don't want to fuck Pauly D.

They want to fuck someone
who looks like David Koresh.

So, they're all, like, growing
these, like, long beards.

Like, they think
they're Ernest Hemingway.

If Ernest Hemingway were alive,

he would beat the shit
out of every hipster.

There would just...

[applause and cheering]

There would just be trails
of bloody hipsters

outside every
artisanal coffee shop

and beard-waxing facility.

You know these people
I'm talking about?

Like, people who have
to wear their coolness?

Like, not me. I have style.
That's different. But, like...

You see these guys.
They'll have, like...

like, Mork & Mindysuspenders,

and, like, a tattoo
of a parallelogram.

And they, like,
can't light a pilot light.

They can barely wave.

They're, like, "Hey.

I'm Beowulf."

Okay, nobody's named that.

"Hey, I'm Nathaniel."

Okay, uh, I'm sure
your parents named you Nathan.

In college, you were probably
called "Nate Dog."

Nathaniel. That's, like,
the name of a ghost.

Not an emaciated barista

with a Mr. Pringles moustache
and a...

gluten sensitivity.

Why do only hipsters
get gluten allergies?

Are they activated
by American Apparel purchases?

I was talking to my friend.

He was, like, 38,
barely ready for pet ownership.

We're having coffee.
He doesn't have a job.

And he was, like, "I think
I'm gonna get into pickling."

You should get into employment.

These are the guys we're
supposed to procreate with?

This is the guy I'm gonna trust
to be the sperm donor

to the Asian surrogate
that's gonna carry my child?

That is a big decision
in a gal's life.

Just don't want to die alone,
you know?

'Cause isn't that why you have
a kid, so you don't have to,

like, die alone
so that when you're dying,

there's, like, all these people
who have to be there

that you've given birth to?

They all feel obligated.
Then I was thinking, like,

when my nana died,
she was shitting herself

and calling me the "N" word,
like...

Think I want
to be alone for that.

That's a good time
for some serious me time.

So I am getting married.
Thank you.

I never want...

I never really wanted
to get married.

I definitely didn't want
to get married.

And I... like, I don't want
to have a wedding.

I don't want to do vows.

I just want to do concerns.

I have a few concerns.

Um, first one--

how attached are you
to this Burning Man tradition?

Do you guys know
what Burning Man is?

[cheering]It's like...

It's a great place to go
breast-feed your pet ferret.

Um...

And he really wants me to go.

I mean, if I wanted to be a part
of a dysfunctional community

of white people in the desert,
I'd move to Arizona.

There's no showers.

I need two baths a day.

I know there's
a drought happening.

Maybe my two baths will mean

people in Barstow
don't get bagels,

but you know what?

Something I have learned
to deal with.

My friends are, like...

My friends will go
to Burning Man.

They're, like,
"I go there to meet dudes."

Okay, if I wanted to have sex

with some creepy dude
in goggles,

I'd stay home and fuck a welder.

At least then, I wouldn't have
to listen to didgeridoo solos

in between orgasms.

Like, the...

I'm sorry if anyone here
is really into Burning Man,

but just like...
I've never been.

I've never been,
and I hate it, but, like...

'Cause you see
these people talking.

Like, I heard this guy bragging.
He was, like...

He goes to Burning Man
every year.

He's, like, "Yeah, my kid
doesn't have a birth ce..."

Oh, 'cause they're all...
This is what I have to say.

They're all obsessed
with being off the grid.

You know, like, they don't want
to be a part of, like, society.

So, I heard this guy bragging.

He's, like,
"Yeah, my kid doesn't have

a birth certificate
or a Social Security number."

I'm, like, "Oh, really?

"Well, I wonder who,
in 50 years, is going

"to be doing yard work for
middle-class Latino families.

Your child."

So, my boyfriend...

I have to tell you this story.

So, my boyfriend really
wanted me to meet...

Is this the Burning Man table
right here?

So, my boyfriend really
wanted me to meet his friend.

He's, like, "We go to
Burning Man together every year.

You know, she's so awesome."

Turns out
she's one of those girls

who's, like,
really awesome to men,

and then a total bitch to women.

And so, let me just
set the stage.

So she's this white chick,
red dreadlocks.

We're in Austin.
I'm talking to her.

Okay, first of all,
she has a tattoo

of angel wings
on her breast plate.

Okay, wrong side.

Oh. And her name is "Flapjack."

And so...
Flapjack is sitting there

holding court, and she start...

Do you guys know her?

'Cause everyone has
to have their own name.

Okay, so she...
so Flapjack is holding court,

and she starts bragging
about Dumpster diving.

And so, I'm assuming

she's talking
about an art project.

You know, 'cause everyone
at Burning Man's, like,

"Oh, here's my art project."

And they just BeDazzled
a school bus.

So, I'm, like, "Oh.

Is this for your art project?"

And she goes,

"Not for art; for food."

And so,

I start freaking out 'cause
I think I've offended her.

So, it's, you know,
now it's like I'm his fiancée.

I'm trying to be nice,
and I'm, like,

"Oh, well, you know,
sometimes I used to waitress,

"and I would steal peoples'
chicken wings off their plate,

so I totally get what you mean."

And this girl turns to me
and says,

"Oh, you're not a square
at all, are you?"

Okay, first of all,
I love the idea

of a stuck-up bitch
who Dumpster-dives.

Oh, I'm such a square

with my birth certificate and

car insurance and...

unpierced genitals

and food I've put
in a refrigerator.

Like... real loser.

So then I wiped my ass
with a vegan wrap

and threw it
in the closest trash can

for old Flapjack to munch on.

I'm glad that you guys
are all here.

I'm so excited
that everyone came out. Is...?

By the way,
I've been on the road,

and all I do is sit
in my hotel room, watch TLC.

Anyone else?

[cheering]You know a network's good

when two shows
just got canceled this week

because of Christian
child molesters.

Okay, Toddlers and Tiaras;
19 Kids and Counting;

Cake Boss; Fabulous Cakes;

DC Cupcakes;
Hoarders: Buried Alive.

TLC should stand for
"Toddlers, Lunatics and Cake."

It's the only channel
we have in this country

that's supposed
to be dedicated to learning,

and it has shows
almost exclusively

about little people and cake.

There's a show,
My Strange Addiction.

Okay, this... you see this one
where this girl's, like,

"I can't stop eating
toilet paper"?

And then
this other girl's, like,

"I can't stop eating
dryer sheets.

A good place to sneak in dryer
sheets is the movie theatre."

I'm, like, "It's not illegal
to eat dryer sheets, ma'am.

You can just walk on in
with those."

The best one I saw, though--
there was this girl...

Okay, her name was Charmissa.

And you know her parents meant
to call her Charisma

but they spelled it wrong.

So now she's going by Charmissa.

This girl--

probably because her name's
a birth certificate typo--

she is now addicted...

to eating her couch!

So her roommates leave.

She gets on the floor,
unzips the cushion

and just starts eating the foam.

And TLC must think
we're so stupid.

They're, like,
"These are dangerous addictions

that should not be attempted
at home."

She's eating her couch!

"Charmissa has been addicted
to cushion for over three years.

"Over the course
of her addiction,

she's eaten 29 chairs,
a bunk bed and a settee."

I would rather be under a bridge

injecting heroin into my face

than be addicted to cushion!

"Please, man, I'll suck
your dick for a futon."

Oh, yeah.

This is what we're addicted to?

And then, right after that is
this show called Freaky Eaters.

This girl's, like, "I'm addicted
to cheesy potatoes."

Uh, everyone's addicted
to cheesy potatoes.

They're good.

I could have told you
you were addicted

to cheesy potatoes
240 pounds ago.

This woman has eaten nothing
but cheesy potatoes

for two decades.

Somehow, she has a husband.

And so, her intervention is,

he's frying her up
some broccoli.

So, he's trying to get her
to eat broccoli.

And then he tries to feed it
to her, and she's just like...

[goofy, high-pitched groaning]

And she collapses on the floor.

And then they always
bring in, like,

these fake, like, therapists.

A food trauma therapist,
Sunrise Stevens.

It's, like, always a fake name.
So, she goes and,

like, picks this girl up
off the floor.

She's, like,
"I've got a surprise for you."

And she takes her outside
to their, like, cul-de-sac,

and all of a sudden,

this dump truck starts
coming towards them

full of potatoes,
and they dump them on her head.

And then the woman's, like,

"What do you want to say
to the potatoes?"

And she's, like...
[rapid gasping]

"Put some cheese on 'em!"

Costco-- you guys like Costco?

The membership fee
is worth the high you get

from the forklift exhaust.

Kirkland diamonds, anyone?

I'm not afraid to get my
diamonds where I get my salsa.

Tiffany's is great, but I can't
eat a churro while I check out.

They have this new thing
at the Costco by my house.

It's called a pizza hotline,

and it is a rotary phone
that is hanging on a column.

So while you're waiting in line
with your 4,000 bags of cashews,

you can pick this up
and order a hot, tasty pizza

so on your way out, then,

you can then eat the pizza,
bring it home.

Okay, if you want to know
how gross this pizza is,

you just have to look
at the pigeons

who are eating the crumbs.

They all have broken wings,

milky eyes,

type 2 diabetes.

Do you get it? I'm fancy.

I put tassels on things.

Have it on my toothbrush.

Have it on my vibrator.

Now it's just turned
into a dreadlock, so...

[light laughter, groaning]

Thank you.

I really want to perform
for the troops.

I'm just waiting for a war
to break out

at the Four Seasons Maui
at Wailea.

And I will be there!

I'm from a place
called Rockford, Illinois.

Has anyone heard of this place?[applause and cheering]

They just erected a billboard
in my hometown,

as you enter the city,
congratulating

the number one
Mexican restaurant in the city.

It's called Taco Bell.

And you keep seeing...

Everyone there is on a bike,
but, like,

in California,
if you're on a bike, it's 'cause

you care about the environment,
but in the Midwest,

it's 'cause you have a DUI.

They've all got their, like,
cases of beer

on the handlebars, and...

I was, uh... I was at the DMV.
I got a new car.

And, uh, I was at the DMV
getting it registered,

and now they're giving out
free AIDS tests

while you wait in line
at the DMV.

Now, the only thing worse
than waiting in line at the DMV

is finding out you have AIDS.

Finally, they've combined those

two events in a gal's life.

Can you imagine
your driver's license picture

after you found out
you have AIDS?

I guess I'll uncheck
the donor box.

I have a new car,
and it has Sirius radio,

so I've just
been obsessed with, like,

what are the people
listening to?

Okay, I just keep
flipping stations.

Country music, anyone?[person whoops]

Thank you.
One person.

Okay, can you tell me
if this is a song?

'Cause this is what I heard
on the country station.

♪ You can't
play with your toys ♪

♪ Till your nuggets are done.

Is that song called
"Why Kids Are Fat"?

I was at the beach,
and I would see, like, so many

of these obese toddlers, like,

wearing a string bikini, like...

Not saying it's not sexy.

I just think it's inappropriate.

And then pop music.

Okay, here's what's happening
in music right now.

If you really want to make
money, you have to write a song

that makes teenagers think
they can be rich and famous

without doing anything.

That's, like, every song.

♪ You're beautiful
no matter what they say. ♪

Actually, you're 16, you've
never read a book in your life,

all you eat is chips
and you're pregnant.

"But Katy Perry
says I'm a firework!"

Technically, you're
an obese Latina goth.

♪ This girl is on fire!

Stop eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Any pregnant teens in the house?

Did you hear about this...

Did... did you guys
hear about this teenager?

She just left her baby
in the dryer of a Laundromat.

So sad. Can you believe
people still use Laundromats?

You know what's worse, though,

than the music
is the talk radio.

Okay, whoever has invented
Playboy Radio has forgotten

the one thing you don't want
Playmates to do is talk.

And they give advice.
So these guys will call in,

and it's just like,
"Oh, yeah... [low grunting]

How you doing, Timber?"

They're always, like,
mid-masturbation.

"Oh...

Listen, uh, I'm a retired vet.
[grunts]"

"Oh, my God, I love animals."

"Oh, yeah, I'll bet you do,
Timber. Listen, uh,

"I need some advice.
Uh, I really

want to fuck my stepdaughter."

"Well, one thing I will say
is that my stepdad waited for me

"to move out of the house
before he fucked me,

and I really respect him
for that?"

Like, these girls
do this thing now

where they say a statement
but they phrase it

like a question?

And if you talk like that,

you're ruining
the women's movement?

No other job can you get away
with talking like that.

"This is your pilot speaking?"

"We just got your X-ray back?"

"I have a dream?"

[high-pitched giggling]

That's how they laugh, too.
It's not even a laugh.

It's like a scream
with spaces in it.

[high-pitched giggle]

Somebody help her.

Apparently there's, like,
all these new ways of talking.

Like, NPR just
did a special on it.

That way is called upspeak?

And as we're getting
stupider as a culture,

there's all these
new ways we're talking.

Like, there's also, um...

[low, raspy]: the growl.
Do you know about that?

Like, hot chicks do it a lot.

'Cause sometimes
when you're really hot,

it's hard to talk.

The Kardashians do it.

"I have a question.
Why does everyone

want to take a picture
of my butt?"

[normal voice]:
Uh, I have a question.

How did an Armenian family
of whores

capture the heart of America?

When I prepare for a part,

I like to study the lines
of Adderall

that I've laid out
in front of me. Anyone else?

What do you have, ma'am?

Besides giant breasts.
I cannot believe that.

It's very distracting.

Do you have any Adderall?Not now.

Oh, okay.
Not right now, you...

I know, you take it all
too fast.

You like to party
while you make to-do lists.

How...
If you don't have

ADD right now,
you're not paying attention.

How can we all not have ADD?

With the e-mails and the apps
and everything's urgent.

I feel like I'm gonna
crash my car reading an alert

for a Groupon for sweat yoga.

Why do I have to sign in to
Facebook to pay my water bill?

I can't tell
what causes me more stress--

not being able
to remember my Apple I.D.

or growing up without a father.

This is a weird time
we're living in.

Like, right now,
there are people

just sitting on the toilet
with their phone, just like,

"Never gonna fuck her,
never gonna fuck her."

She's not gonna
fuck you, either.

You know 50% of Tinder swipes
are done on the toilet.

And then you press a button

and some stranger
in a Dodge Caravan

comes and picks you up.

When did the Lyft murders start?

What is happening?

I was in a Scion
listening to the Cranberries

the other day.
I'm like, "I have a nice car."

How have we all fallen for this?
Do you guys do Lyft?

[scattered whooping]Lyft is good 'cause it gives

people who live out of their
cars a chance to work from home,

so I think
that's really positive.

Uber.
Uber's good if...

Uber's good if you want
to combine your commute

with a history lesson
on Armenian genocide.

No?

Have you noticed...
I know this is a touchy subject

in San Francisco,
but have you noticed

that the cab drivers now
are like, they notice

there's all this competition,
so they all, like,

accept credit cards
all of a sudden.

Like, they're all
in a good mood.

Every foreign cabbie
is in such a good mood

you'd think his wife
just miscarried a girl.

The way I shop is different now
because of technology.

Like, I used to go to stores
and, like, compare prices

and try things on and maybe
go back and get something.

Now here's what I do.

I sit in my house,
smoke a little pot.

I'll dream something up.

Like, "I need a gold stapler."

And then the next day, someone
throws it over the fence.

I'm like, "I was just kidding."

You can get as specific
as you want.

Like, "I want
a cornflower-blue kimono."

And then it just comes...
That is not a good way to shop.

What's gonna happen to us?

I recently dislocated
my shoulder.

Don't worry,
I won't talk about it long.

Nobody cares about
your pain. I know.

Whenever I want someone to stop
talking to me, I'm like,

"Oh." I start talking about
my rotator cuff.

But here's what I don't
understand-- I'll go online

to try to, like,
get some solace,

so I'll, like, be online.

Like, what are
some of the best exercises?

Who are on these
Yahoo! Answer boards?

They're just giving
paragraphs of information.

Like, you'll see
these people, like,

"Well, I've never dislocated
my shoulder personally,

"but about three years ago,
a friend of mine at the office

dislocated his shoulder."

It's like, how do you have time
to be on this Web site?

You got a password,

you filled in a CAPTCHA.
Like...

I work 30 days a year,

and I can barely handle life.

There's just, like,
so much pressure to keep up

with all of this,
and none of it matters.

And I just have to keep looking
at the same celebrities.

Madonna's been
spreading open her legs

since I was in seventh grade.

J.Lo and her butt.
Like, it's just, like,

do you know how many times a day
I have to look at J.Lo's ass?

It just comes into my feed.

I don't care about J.Lo's ass!

J.Lo looks like a lion
who works at Sephora.

Like, what... is that look?

Everyone's branding themselves.

Everyone's taking pictures
of themselves constantly.

Okay, I... My mom has
Gwyneth Paltrow's new cookbook.

Okay, there is a picture
of herself on every page

of the cookbook,
and then she's, like,

telling people, "Don't buy
your food at a grocery store.

Grow it in your own backyard."

It's, like, uh,
I have two dogs with IBS, and...

the Los Angeles water is toxic.

This is 2015, Gwyneth,
not the Jamestown Settlement.

Oprah. Oprah...
What is an Oprah Chai Latte?

Why is that on every...?

I travel the country.

Every Starbucks in our country
has Oprah's signature on it.

Okay, I know it's hard
to make fun of Oprah.

She means so much
to sad white women everywhere,

but just, like, hear me out.

Imagine the level of insanity

that has to be happening
in your head

if you have a magazine,
for 20 years now,

and it's called your name,

and then, every month,
you're, like,

"Who should be on the cover?
Me!"

One time, she shared the cover,

and it was with a picture
of herself as a child.

Sometimes I'll rent
The Color Purple

and just fast-forward
to where she gets beat up.

It relaxes me.

I've been doing stand-up in L.A.
to prepare for this special,

and what happens in L.A. is,
they don't have, like, hosts.

Everyone has
to bring up themselves.

There's, like,
you know, a lot of celebrities

working out their material.

There's, you know...
there could be open-mikers

all on the same show.

And I was performing
at the Comedy Store, and...

Okay, has anyone seen
Martin Lawrence perform lately?

He is a master at pussy jokes.

I don't care if it's red pussy,
white pussy,

deep pussy, shallow pussy,

mossy pussy, plaid pussy.

It was like in Forrest Gumpwhen
they talk about the shrimps.

That is how much pussy
he can describe.

And Martin is killing.

He is, like,
"This pussy, that pussy.

This pussy.
Thank you. Good night!"

He throws down the mic,
and he gets a standing ovation.

And I'm waiting to go on.

And then he picks up the mic,

and he's, like,
"Okay, who's next?"

And he was supposed to look
on the sheet, which he didn't.

So then, the waitress
whispers from the side,

"Natasha Leggero."

And Martin, from stage,
is, like, "Who?"

And they're, like,
"Natasha Leggero."

And Martin's, like, "I'm black.
I can't say that shit."

And so... first of all,

if I said I couldn't say
someone's name 'cause I'm white,

I wouldn't be able
to leave my house for six years.

So, I'm in the back of the room,
and I just yell,

"Martin, just say 'Natasha.'"

And Martin, from stage, says,
"Bitch, I don't work for you."

So that was my entrance.

So, I come onstage.

I ask everyone to please
sit down, 'cause he had...

got a standing ovation.

And, I mean, I'm humiliated.

I mean, this is
Martin fucking Lawrence

from such TV shows as Martin.

So, I do my set.

It does not go well.
I just want to leave.

So then, I'm done with my set,
I'm, like, "Thank you."

I go outside,
I'm waiting for my car,

and then, all of a sudden--
swear to God--

I hear this guy say, "Natasha."

I turn around.
I'm, like, "Oh, Martin.

That was a three-syllable word.
Good job."

And he's, like, "Come here."

And so, I'm, like,
"Yeah, Martin."

And he's, like,
"I don't work for you."

[audience groaning,
laughter and applause]

So I handed him a W-9,

and he's been on the payroll
ever since, kissing my ass!

[applause and cheering]

Thank you so much,
San Francisco.

Thank you for having me.

♪

It's been great, thank you.

Do you have anything
for indigestion?

Why is there a man in
the women's bathroom?

I don't believe
in a gender binary.

Okay, well, I need something.

I shouldn't have eaten
during my abortion.

Yeah, always decline the meal.
Abortion 101.

You really know your stuff, huh?

I don't want
to have children.

If I'm going to lose
my looks, it's gonna be

because of coke or meth
or something else fun.

Yeah, I mean, it just
seems like all that time

spent on something that
doesn't really matter.

You know, time you could be
spending on your podcast.

I mean, what is time,
really, hmm?

[passing gas]

We're all gonna be dead
in a hundred years,

and nobody's gonna
remember your special.

That makes me feel
so much better.

[passing gas]You've given me a lot more

than tampons and a mint.

Now I have the strength
to get on with my career.

Have fun.

Oh, señor...

¿Sí?

[passing gas]

Thank you.

[toilet flushes]