Original subtitles

Welcome to Sweethearts. How can we service you?

Hi. It's, um...

Uh, my name's S-Steven.

I'm— I'm calling about, um— - Hey, Steven.

Thank you for choosing us.

I was just on your, um... website,

and I noticed, uh...

Jaz? - Oh, Jaz is fantastic.

What would you like to do with her?

Oh. Um... girlfriend experience?

That's got... kissing?

It does. Uh, Jaz can see you today, if you like.

- Oh. - 4pm.

Oh.

Yeah, OK. Great.

Oh, and, Steven,

we don't do line-ups or unplanned walk-ins like most brothels.

This is about the safety of our women.

And if you're late or a no-show, you will be charged.

Oh, OK. So it's quite, um, strict.

Now, when you arrive, you'll wait in your car

for my text to confirm Jaz is ready.

Then you'll walk over to the Beach Room,

you'll knock on the door and wait for Jaz to answer it.

She will let you in. You'll discuss any extras that you'd like.

Then you'll pay upfront and take a shower.

Remember — it's her room, Steven, and her rules.

Either of you can withdraw consent at any time.

Have fun.

Oh my God. You actually turned up.

Oh...

Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz

We've literally had one client since we've opened.

People always take time to get on board with change.

Well, single parenting is expensive.

Advertising's been tough.

But we expect to be up on the Kiwichicks website

by the end of the week.

We might be ethical and idealistic,

but we are still a viable business, so...

Yeah, it's just cos some of the other girls — not naming names...

have been saying that you're full of shit.

Yeah. That's... funny.

Totally get it.

As long as we start making money.

Like... soon.

Do you know how expensive it is to be this hairless?

This coiffed?

This hot, perfect, flawless perfection?

Word is getting out — Slowly, but surely.

Oh, cool. Cos— Cos this is all, you know, quite new.

Absolutely. For all of us. But you are doing great.

Yeah, but I haven't... done anything.

Yeah, but you're thinking about it.

So, on a scale from one to ten, how fucked are we?

I promise you — this is not just a dream. This— It's gonna work.

Trust me. Please?

Excuse me?

Mack?

Sharon, is it?

You do realise that this is a day-care?

- Yeah. - And yours is a...

Brothel.

Uh, well, I'm a feminist.

Same.

But I've started a petition to get you shut down.

Yes, I know that. You CC'd me in.

Well, I'd hate to appear anything but transparent.

God forbid.

I was thinking about getting an undercut.

- Is that like a Brazilian? - German, I think.

Baby, come on.

Dion told me what you're up to.

- Don't you miss me? - It's disgusting.

- Oi, what? - You bloody kidding?

What the fuck?

What'd he say? Is he gonna come here?

No.

Dion's told our regulars that he caught us scraping semen

from used condoms.

So we're fucked?

I mean we're not fucked.

No drunks,

no creeps, no line-ups,

no walk ins, no clients — no money.

It's... It's one thing to tell some violent fucker to go jump.

But no line-ups? That's just bad business.

Uh, I think you'll find

that we're starting a revolution.

And I will not have my girls compared to each other

like pigs at a fair.

Hello. Is this the Featherton Bay Retirement Village?

- Yeah. - Great. My name is McKenzie Leigh.

I actually wanted to offer your residents

the services of my new business. - Yeah, OK. Yeah?

It's called Sweethearts, and it's a brothel.

As a number of your residents may not have had sex for some decades,

I figured it could be a— - Thanks, but not for us. Bye.

Hi, there. Is this Dennis Hall, head of the, um,

Featherton Bay Lions Club? - Yeah, you got him.

Great. Listen.

I have started a brothel.

I'm not saying change your speed-dating night.

I'm just suggesting that we could piggyback some advertising on it

and offer you a little sweet discount offer.

Oh, hi. Is this the Carnivorous Plant Society?

Hi. Is this the Theological Society?

Hi. Is this the North Island Dentist Association?

How do you guys feel about

jumping into some sexy time?

I've, uh, started an ethical brothel,

and I think our values completely align.

Uh, no, this is not a God thing. It's more of a get-laid thing.

No, no, no.

I get it.

Thanks.

I've reached out to high-needs communities, widower groups

and people who listen to Joe Rogan. - And got no bookings.

What the hell?

Oh.

Mm-hm.

Answer the phone. Take the call.

I am not letting creeps into Sweethearts.

Are these all criminals?

No, just people who sound ethically...

- Like mashed dickhole. - Drunk, high, perverted.

- That's everyone. - No, it's not.

Listen, as soon as our Kiwichicks advertising goes live,

the men will come.

On our tits.

- Here you go, partner. - Oh. No.

How you feeling about it all?

- What? - Oh, I know. I know.

I know.

It can feel like you're crawling up Poo Mountain

and you've hit your limit.

But new businesses take time.

And you have the support of a good man.

Not just emotionally and spiritually, but financially.

Hm.

Do you know that the Kiwichicks website charges 25K a year?

What?

It's New Zealand's top escort-booking site.

They have offered a 10K discount. I guess that's something. But...

Apparently the owner is quite taken with the idea of feminist sex work.

Oh. Great.

- Hey, Chompy. - Hey.

Drew's having a group of us over.

- I'm heading there now. - Wait. No, you're not.

You're home with Toby tonight.

Mum, I'm his brother, not his carer.

If you and Dad can't be here, you should book Cass.

Yeah, well, your father and I are working really hard right now.

It's not my fault you decided to take over

a stupid motel business while Dad's away.

It's not a...

Listen, you should just be grateful

that you have two working parents. - Oh, whatever. Bye.

Oh, God.

- 'Chompy'? - Noam.

Chomsky. - The basketballer.

Yeah.

So, are you one of the Sweethearts?

I heard about you guys opening up and thought I'd better come down

and book a girlfriend experience.

- Hi, ladies! - Hi.

- Checking in? - Yes.

Looking for Sweethearts?

How can I help you? - Yeah. Could I, uh, pick a girl

- to, uh... bonk? - Sure.

On this. - Huh.

You want me to book on here?

Eh? Couldn't I just, uh, pick one? - Oh. No, we don't do line-ups.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Uh, looks like a line-up to me. - Ooh.

No.

Right.

Uh, let's see here.

Uh... Amethyst.

No.

Jaz. I don't know about the tattoos.

Nope. Nope.

Oh, yeah. Goldie's pretty hot. - Yeah.

Is she old?

She's mature.

Oh, yeah, experience counts for something, eh?

I like to think so.

I'd blow my beans up that.

- Yeah. - Mmm.

Sign me up for her right now.

Oh. Yeah, but, um...

But Goldie — she is very skilful.

Like... 'schoop'.

- Oh. - You know?

If you know what I mean. - Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, I pick up what you're saying.

Is she free now, or...? - Uh, no.

We don't do walk-ins. - Eh?

But I just walked in.

- Oi! - What is this?

Did you just give away one of my clients?

- Hey, you can have him. - He's Goldie's client.

- What the fuck? - Some of us have kids.

OK? We all need the money. - Um, excuse me.

Just because you've spawned doesn't mean you're more worthy.

Some of us have bills. - What does that mean?

It means your parents bought you a house in Tamaterau.

Yeah, well, I pay utilities.

Come on, ladies. You're supposed to be feminists.

So are you.

Ah!

OK. Let's get this show on the road.

So, as you can imagine, trying to change the culture of the industry

has us coming up against a certain level of inertia.

Feminists running the asylum, eh? Had to see this one for myself.

Here it is. Think how much more traffic your site could get with...

Yeah, so where them bra-burning girlies at?

Let's get some piccies.

Oh. No, I've already taken their photos,

so I will send you over the file.

Yeah, but I might need some different photos.

I also need photos that include their faces,

with their real names at the bottom.

Don't worry, they're not gonna go online.

It's just so I know your girlies aren't catfish.

Otherwise... how am I gonna know?

You could meet them.

So, uh...

H-How do you how do you know which size to use?

Do you— Do you sneak a peek before he showers?

- Just look at his ears. - What?

A man's ears have a direct correlation to his penis size.

I-I've never heard of this.

- Really? - No.

Oh, yeah. So, it's... it's the smaller the ear,

the bigger the dick.

Stop winding her up, you bitch.

Condom sizes are all different.

Line them up inside the bedside drawer.

Once you've seen the peen, you can easily grab the one you need.

Yeah. Cos then you have to shove it up fast and do a little dance.

Shut up!

God. We are no longer advertising on Kiwichicks.

- But that's what all brothels use. - Yes, but we are on other websites.

Literally 100% of Shadows' online bookings came from Kiwichicks.

Look, apart from the fact

that he wants us to sign an exclusivity clause,

which I'm not even sure is legal, he wants photos of you all.

Yeah, so guys know what we look like when they book us to diddle.

No, not photos for the ads...

photos of your faces, holding signs that say your real names.

'Insurance', apparently.

He does that for everyone. It's just for his personal wank bank.

Or he gets off on power

and uses them to blackmail you all into fucking him.

Either way, ethically, it is mashed dickhole.

OK. Well, I eat mashed dickhole for breakfast.

Just give it up. Your feminist brothel is a massive boner killer,

and you're making us broke with your ethical bullshit.

Wait...

Oh, God. Noam.

I gotta go. I will be back soon. - That's our madam.

What the fuck?

- I mean, she was asking for it. - That's kinda mean.

Hey, it's Noam. Leave me a message. Or not.

Noam, where the fuck are you?

I swear to God, Noam, if you don't get home right now,

I am changing the password on the WiFi permanently.

God.

Hi. You OK? Noam said it was an emergency.

It wasn't. I'm sorry.

He didn't say you were here. I thought Toby was alone.

Uh, should I go, or...?

- Oh... No, I'm— - Stay?

I'm happy to stay. - Really?

Yeah. It's not a problem.

You good, Tobe?

OK. Great. Just a couple of hours. I'll make up the difference.

- Fine. Bye. - Thank you.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuuuuuuuuck!

You OK?

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey.

Hey, you've, um... you've had a couple of clients, eh? Any tips?

Honestly, I've only had one client,

and I just wanked him off under a tea towel.

Marcus is here. OK.

You ready, Goldie?

- No. - Oh.

No? - No.

Goldie, I kinda went out on a limb for you on this one.

Uh, I know technically I only work for the motel,

but let's not blur those human trafficking lines, eh?

I'm really not ready.

Oh.

Cool.

All good.

Tui, he's all yours.

Tui? Where is she?

Oh, yeah. Not sure, actually.

Haven't seen her in a little bit.

Oh! Oh my God.

Oh, God, so good!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, fuck! - Oh... Oh, sh...

- Oh, fuck! - Wait, Wait! Shh, shh. Stop.

Stop. I'll cum.

I just wanna get my money's worth.

OK.

OK.

Mmm.

Oh...

Mm-hm.

Yes.

Obviously I didn't realise she'd taken the phone.

Oh, jeepers creepers, Tui!

Sorry. Sorry. I'll calm down.

I'll calm down.

I'm not getting back in the fuckin' bed, so piss off!

Oh, shit.

- Get the fuck out of here! - Nope. I'm not listening to you.

Get the fuckin' fuck out of here! - I know my rights!

- I paid my money, all right? - Hey! Hey!

What the hell is going on in here? - Well, I'm being ripped off.

He was so psyched about getting his money's worth

that he psyched himself out of coming.

Get the fuck out.

I shan't.

Unless I am provided with a refund or— or— or services to completion,

I will be calling the cops. - Be my guest.

- So the assault—? - No. No assault.

I called you.

The brothel provides a service.

They should have to follow through on said service or provide a refund.

Wait. So if you order a burger

and you're still hungry after you've finished it, you ask for a refund?

- No. - No. No, no. Wait. Wait.

- Sorry, pal. Time to go. - Am I hallucinating?

Is there brain matter dribbling out my ears?

Sir, if you don't calm down,

you might find yourself spending the night in lockup.

Come on. It was only a warning. - He left his car here.

- True. We can run the plates. - Yeah.

- Mrs Varma? - Vinnie!

So cool to see you doing your thing. Aww!

How's your mum? - Oh, she's good. She's really good.

Oh, fuck off.

I don't need to hear it. - Lovely to see you.

- Shit. She's coming. Go, go, go! - Fuckin' ethical business my arse.

Girls can't even fuckin' afford to eat, and she's just...

You're just turning away clients

because they don't meet your perfect expectations.

Like, who the fuck are you?! Not a sex worker.

I guess it didn't occur to you, enlightened, rich white lady,

but it's... it's the fucked-up and it's the broken

that actually need us.

And we need them.

OK.

We will advertise on Kiwichicks.

Food on the table, roof overhead...

they're the most important things, right?

- Told you. - So, ladies, why don't you go home?

And... I will pay you for your time this week.

- Oh, mean. - Thank fuck.

Who's keen to go to the pub? Let's go get a drink.

- Thank you. - I am gonna go...

- I'm not rich, by the way. - Oh, OK. True.

Yeah. Just to... put that out there.

- Bye, Jules. - Bye.

- Hey, uh... - You up for a drink?

I'm done with this, OK?

I'm just not ready, and it's all a bit...

- No. - Farkin' weird.

- No. Wait, Goldie, listen. - Good luck, bro. See you never.

- I need you. - I don't give a fuck, OK?

I would... I would rather work out of my car than...

I need you to help me...

to help them.

Please.

Talk to her.

I-I've had sex.

Heaps of times.

Sex work isn't really about having sex.

It's about having as little sex as possible, actually.

OK.

And making someone feel like they fuck.

Not fuck...

but...

fuck.

You wanna fuck? - You...

You wanna fuck for real?

She paid us for the hour.

- Yeah, I know, but I don't think— - It's the best way to learn.

And you're fuckin' hot, babe.

OK. I'm your client.

Show me what you got.

Or we call it a night.

There's no pressure.

You ready or what?

Lie down.

Oh...

Oh... - Uh, don't do...

what you think you should do.

Do what'd make me feel good.

Oh.

Mmm. Oh...

she fucks.

- Hey, Cass. - Hi.

- All good? - Toby had a great day.

- Oh my God. Did you...? - Not me.

Oh.

The celebrity chef.

Wow. Howdy, neighbour. - Neighbour.

Um, I'm just checking in.

Uh, looks like you...

well, you're single-parenting at the moment, so...

Yeah. Yeah. Rob's away working, so...

Thank you. - Pleasure.

Hey, um, just saying — If you ever need anything,

I'm just, you know, over the fence.

That's very kind of you.

I'm not sharing that. - Really?

- Mm-mm. - Good.

- Enjoy. - I will. Thank you.

So, this has been a...

lifelong dream?

- Fucking for money? - Mm.

No!

Uh...

I was a bartender for a while, actually.

- Mm? - But...

the money sucked, the hours sucked.

Having a boss? That sucks.

- You like this... more, then? - Yeah, I love this.

Look...

Jaz loves fucking. Lolly loves making people feel good.

Amethyst gets on a deep human level how important it is to be seen.

- Cherry? - Freedom.

Cherry earns enough money to raise her kids on her own.

Oh.

Look, if you're meant to do this, you'll find your thing.

- What's your thing? - My thing?

OK.

In this room, what happens between you and your client, that...

usually, is honest.

There's no bullshit. You know what you want from each other.

So you can just be free.

Does that make sense? I feel like that sounded weird.

Nah.

Nah, that makes sense. - OK, cool.

Cos I fuckin' love that.

Mmm.

You're back, Mack.

OK, I am in, but I take all the photos of the girls,

including the ones with their names and their faces.

Unless, of course, you want me to report you to the Commerce Commission

for anti-competitive behaviour.

Well, it's a very kind gesture.

And as soon as I get that 25K, we'll get your girls up and pumping, eh?

25—? Wait, no. That's full price.

What can I say? Inflation's a bitch, innit? Phwoar.

OK, listen. I will meet you halfway...

20K. - I think you'll find it's 21.

The agreement's just been amended.

By both parties. Did you not get that email?

OK. So be it.

Asshole.

I don't wanna talk to you for a while.

Hello?

Hi, Mack. It's Sharon. This is just a courtesy call

to let you know that I am gonna have to shut you down.

Our petition's got 1200 signatures, and we're only just getting started.

- Sharon? - Mm-hm?

Go fuck yourself.

♪ I want a big fine daddy.

♪ I want a big fine daddy.

♪ I want a big fine daddy.

♪ Mmm, a big fine daddy is all I need. ♪

Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz