All language subtitles for Mad.About.You.S08E09.The.Cheese.Stands.Alone.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

- Well, it seems like
there's a lot to discuss.

Who would like to go first?

- Um...

[sighs]

Ah...

- [scoffs]

Well, we're off
to a dynamite start.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take
each other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly
into the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- Look, I think we both have
the same goal here, right?

- Sure.

- I mean, we both really want
things to be better.

I just think we have
a different approach of--

as to how to get there.

- Do you agree?

- Sure.

- Go on.

- In a nutshell--

and tell me if I'm
misrepresenting you here--

but I think Jamie likes
to discuss everything she feels

when she feels it,

whereas I think, you know,
if an issue comes up,

sometimes it's better
just to sit on it.

You know, a few days
of sitting on something,

and sometimes
you don't even remember

what you were sitting on.

- Or sometimes the problem
festers and explodes

until you end up dumping it all
over your unsuspecting wife.

- And look
who decided to play.

- Like what happened
Wednesday.

- Not my proudest moment,
which is why we're here.

- Well,
it's not why we're here.

We're here 'cause I said--

- No, but I agreed.
I agreed.

- Yeah, agreeing's not
the same thing as doing--

- This is doing it your way.

- [whistles]

First off, let me say how nice
it is to see you both again.

The way you two banter,
it's like jazz.

- Okay.
- That's nice.

- I don't like jazz.

I think I have
a pretty good read on things,

so I'm gonna say something

that will save us all
a whole lot of time and money.

- Please.
- Okay.

- You're done.

- Done?
We got, like, 30 minutes left.

- No, no, no.
Done as in big-picture done,

finito,Splitsville.

- Really?
- What?

- Trust me,
I've seen it a million times--

the gray divorce.

- The documentary?
- That's "Grey Gardens."

The gray divorce?

- Yes, very common for people
at your stage of life.

The nest is empty, you look
at each other and realize,

without a child in the home,

there's nothing left
holding you together.

Just memories,
unfulfilled dreams,

and the tattered remains of
a love once sparkly and new.

Raisinet?

- No, no.

Ah, that--that doesn't sound
right, I have to say.

- No, no, no, no.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

How long has it been
for you two kids?

25 years?
- Yeah.

- That's a good, long run.

You could walk away
heads held high.

- Yeah, on the other hand,
we're so close to death,

why not just stick it out?

- All right, listen.

If you want to keep talking,
it's your time.

I'm absolutely willing
to give it a go.

But if we leave now, I could
still squeeze in half a Zumba.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, afternoon.
Table for one?

- Oh, no, no, no.
Mr. Buchman?

- Yeah.

- I just wanted to come by
and introduce myself.

I own the cheese shop
two blocks down.

- Oh, of course.

Cheese and Thank You.

I've smelled your place many
times when the wind is right.

- Hercules Schlein.

- Okay,
maybe my favorite name ever.

- Well, that makes one of us.

See, my parents thought
the "Hercules"

would compensate
for the "Schlein."

Turns out, 0 for 2.

- [chuckles] Hey, can I offer
you a little vino, Mr. Schlein?

- Hey, sure.
Why not? I'm not driving.

Well, you know, I seen
your place here go through

a lot of changes
over the years.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

It was a Greek restaurant, then
Thai, then another Greek place,

then a RadioShack,

then a different Greek place
run by Thai people.

It wasn't great.

Are you
the sole proprietor here?

- Ah, along with
my beautiful Lucia, yeah.

- Very nice.

Let me ask you.

Where do you get your cheese?

I mean,
who's your cheese supplier?

Meat, fish, produce--
I'm unconcerned.

- Uh, well, you know,
we're actually very lucky

'cause Lucia's family
has a farm in Italy,

so we get it straight
from the source.

- Oh, yeah.

I respect the commitment
to authenticity,

but I was wondering
if maybe you would consider

giving my cheese a try.

You know, keep things
in the neighborhood,

if you know what I'm saying.

- Yeah, well, I get it.

- You know,
we support each other.

- Of course, but in this case,
specifically,

I-I couldn't do that
to Lucia's family.

You know, you understand.

- Yeah, okay.

That's unfortunate.

- Huh?
- No, well, who knows?

Maybe your mind gets changed.

We'll see.

Nice meeting you.

Ciao.

- Yeah, thanks for stopping by.

- I don't like him.
- Oh, don't worry.

We're not using his cheese.

- "We'll see"?

[speaking Italian]

Where I'm from,
"we'll see" is...

[speaking Italian]

- What, a threat?
- Si,this is a threat.

- [chuckles] Carissima,
"we'll see" is not a threat.

- Okay.

We'll see.

- Yeah, I-I hear it now.

♪ ♪

- You good?
- Uh-huh.

- Okay.

You don't want to talk about
this morning, what Sheila said?

- No, thanks.

- All right.

It's just...

it's kind of crazy that
she would even say that, no?

- People are entitled
to have their own opinions.

- Yes, but, I mean, come on.

That was--that was kind of
a wild opinion,

don't you think?

[chuckles]
Her...

You're not gonna join
my little chuckle?

What--what--what are you doing?
- I'm trying your way.

I'm sitting on it, but I want
to be sure to remember

all the things I'm sitting on,
so I'm writing them down.

That way, I can hit you
with them at a later date.

- When?
- Exactly.

- What does that mean?

- I don't know.
Guess we'll find out together.

- Well, it's interesting,

because I'm actually
trying your way.

I'm bringing up Sheila now
while it's bothering me.

And by the way,
little piece of advice--

if you're gonna sit
on something,

you don't tell the other person
that you're sitting on it,

'cause they're
not supposed to know.

- Oh, my way of your way
has an extra-special feature--

I want you to know.

- Well, I-I got to say,

I think I'm doing your way
quite well.

It's made me very aware
of what bothers me.

I-I got to tell you this.

How about the time when
you met my Aunt Beverly

and you just swatted her
in the face?

- My God, first of all,
that was 20 years ago.

- Yes, but it's
bothering me now.

- Second of all,

how was I supposed to know
that was a birthmark?

It looked like a caper.

- Who--who has capers
on their face?

- I thought she had
just come home from brunch.

- Be that as it may,
how about this?

Maybe don't touch
other people's faces.

What do you say about that?

[doorbell rings]
Sure, yeah. Put it down.

By the way,
I could get myself a pad, too.

Two can play at--maybe that's
a pad salesman right now.

- Hello. Mr. Buchman?
- Yes?

- Hi.
Sorry to intrude.

My name is Bethany Clark.

I'm representing
a client whose name

I'm unfortunately not able
to disclose at this time.

I'll only say he or she
is a well-known individual

of significant wealth

interested in purchasing
your apartment.

- What?
- [chuckles]

I'm sorry. I know
that's a lot to take in.

My client loves
this particular building.

- What gave you the impression
our apartment's for sale?

- W-what do you mean?
Who's this mystery client?

- I assure you, it is a name
you will readily recognize.

- It is Jay-Z and Beyoncé?

That would be so cool
if it was Beyoncé.

- It's not Beyoncé.
- Ugh, pass.

- Rest assured, you'll have
the opportunity

to meet the buyer
before the sale closes.

- Well, that's good.
What sale?

What?
- May I come in?

- No, we're not interested
in selling the place.

- The offer we prepared
is well above market value.

- No, it's not about the money.

This is our home,
and we--

Oh.

- That's how much money
we would get?

- Come on in.
- Come on in.

- You know what?
Make yourself at home.

- You shouldn't be standing out
there in your high heels.

♪ ♪

- [chuckles]
It's such a big number.

I don't know what I love more,
the zeros or the commas.

What did I say?

What--
- Hi.

You guys remember Ashta.

- Hey, you guys. Hi, Ashta.
- Hi, sweetie.

Oh, what a nice surprise.
- Thank you for having me.

- Sure.
Yeah.

Uh, the only thing is, sweetie,
we kind of wanted to talk

to you about
a private family matter.

- Oh, Ashta's family.

- I wasn't made aware,
but good to know.

Okay.

Well, we wanted to talk to you

about something
kind of important.

It seems someone has offered
to buy the apartment.

- Our apartment?

Who?
- We don't know.

All we know is it's somebody
big and fancy.

- Is it Beyoncé?
- That's what I think.

- It's not Beyoncé.
- You don't know that.

- The woman said.
- She tensed up.

She's protecting someone,
and that someone...

[whispering]
Beyoncé.

- Okay, it doesn't matter.

How--how could we...

I don't know.
That's--that's our home.

T-that's my home.

- That's why
we're talking about it.

- Where would
we have Thanksgiving?

- We--well,
wherever we end up.

- That's horrible.
No!

Don't!
Please!

- All right, that's it.
We're not selling.

- I mean, what amount
of money could it possibly be

for you even to consider...

Oh, my God!
Sell it.

Are you kidding me?
Sell it right now.

- [gasps]
- Okay, okay.

Hold on a second.

Let's just take a moment
and really consider

what this would mean
to us as a family.

- It means we'd be
a rich family.

- Yes, but we can't make
this decision

just based on the money.

- Okay,
here's what we're gonna do.

We'll buy a couple stupid
things, like a helicopter,

maybe a pony, and we'll give
the rest to Oceana.

They protect sea life
and prevent ocean pollution,

and if we do that,

then I can fly in my helicopter
with my pony without guilt.

- See?
I like that idea.

- Okay, let me ask you this.

Would you be on the pony
when it's in the helicopter?

'Cause it just
doesn't sound safe?

- What are your writing?
- Daddy knows.

- Actually, Daddy doesn't know,
but I will find out

at some horrible future date.

What exactly is the issue here?

You're upset that I didn't
want our daughter

taking livestock
up in an aircraft?

- It wasn't that.

But now it's also that.

- All righty, let me start you
off with some delicious cheeses

from Lucia's
family farm--enjoy.

- Ooh.
- Beautiful.

- Did you guys decide
on entrées?

- Uh, yeah.

Not yet.
W-we'll see.

- What'd you say?

- I said, "We'll see."

- Why did you say that?

Did--did somebody tell you to--
Did you talk to Hercules?

- No, but I just got
a nice note from Neptune.

What are you--
what are you talking about?

- Never mind.
Forget I said anything.

- So what are we gonna do?
Are we selling or not?

- Well, I don't know,

but whatever it is,
we have to decide fast

'cause they want to buy
the whole floor,

and everybody's already
sold except us.

- Whoa, whoa,
you didn't mention that.

That changes everything.

You're in a very strong
negotiating position.

I'm hooking up
with a real-estate guy.

- Mike?
- Mm-mm, Jeff.

- Skinny Jeff
or Jeff with the beard?

- No, it's a different Jeff.
You have to counter.

- Okay, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I really like that idea.

- Why?
- Because in a way,

it puts all of this
in the hands of fate.

If we counter
and they say no...

- Which is a very distinct
possibility.

- Then it wasn't meant to be,

but if we give them
some crazy number

and they say yes,

then it was clearly
meant to be.

What's a good counter?

- Well, Jeff would say go back
at 15% above offer.

You could try for 20%
if you're feeling lucky.

- Mama's feeling lucky.

- Yeah, but I'd put
a hard cap at 25%.

Best and final,
and put a clock on it.

Ugh, he talks a lot during...

- Okay, I'm saying 25% above.

Go big or go home.

They have to respond
by noon tomorrow,

best and final.

That's it.
I'm hitting send.

- No, no, wait.
Hold on, hold on.

Just--just give me a moment
to mourn the possibility

of losing all this money.

It's gonna take a while.

You know what?
Just hit send.

- So maybe bye-bye, house.

- But hello, pony.

- Yeah!

♪ ♪

- I can't believe we countered.
[scoffs]

I'm so greedy.
I'm just a greedy person.

How is that bad?
I was knocking myself.

- Not everything is about you.

I have to go
to the market tomorrow.

- Oh, all right. Sorry.
[chuckles]

- The fact you think
everything is about you...

- Just stop it.
Come on, stop torturing me.

- You mean the way
you tortured me?

- I didn't torture you
this way.

My torture wasn't premeditated.

Come on, this is,
you know,

this is like torture
to be carried out

at some future date.

- Interesting.
- What do you mean interesting?

- Don't worry about it.

- Okay, you know what?
Stop, stop.

Enough, enough.
I-I want my wife back.

I want my wife who says what
she thinks in the moment.

Tell me what I have to do.

I just--what do I have to do
to be done with this?

- Give me 50 bucks.

- Seriously?

- I only have 35.
- Unbelievable.

You owe me 15.

- Okay.
So--but that's it now?

Right?
Fight's over?

'Cause I got say,

if I had known
it was gonna be this easy--

- Oh, it's not that easy.

I'm gonna need foot rubs
and coffee in bed

and a lot of things
I'm gonna think up later.

- You got it.
Whatever you want.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry.

All those things I said,
all that stuff,

I take it back.
- Don't take it back.

- No, yes,
I'm taking it all back.

- No, don't, because many
of the very unflattering things

you said about me are true.

It wasn't easy to hear,
but you were right.

And I'm gonna do
my very best to try to change.

I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.

- Oh, that's horrible.
- What?

- You are just--you're gonna
take the high road now?

After you bully me
like a third-grade bully?

"Hey, I'm gonna beat you up
someday after school,

but you'll never know when,"
and then you never do.

And now you want to be
all gracious and mature?

How very dare you?

- What can I say?

I guess I'm just
a better person,

and I just won
this argument forever.

- Okay, just so you know,
a better person

wouldn't rub their betterness
in the face of their loved one.

- Do you want
the fight to be over,

or do you want
to keep talking?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Come here.

What's the matter?
- Not till I get my 15 bucks.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay, I-I always pictured
city health inspectors

being somebody who's, like,

a nerdy guy named Howard
or something.

[chuckles] You definitely
do not fit that bill.

- Okay.

- Okay, look,
these surfaces re-caulked,

re-stained, like,
two months ago.

All natural, nontoxic.

Organic, good, green, soft,

really nice, un-spongy,
planet friendly.

- Scusi,can I speak with you
one moment, please,

in private?

- Yeah, excuse us.

- Okay, so, when I say
I don't like someone,

maybe I'm knowing
what I'm talking about.

- What?

- Okay?
- Cheese.

- Mm-hmm.
- What?

- Did you buy this cheese?
- No.

- I did not buy this cheese.
- Okay.

- Why do you think
we have this cheese?

You know where
I find this cheese?

On the desk in the office.

I walk in.
I look at desk.

I see paper, paper, pencil,
pencil, paper, paper, cheese.

I think,
"Why is cheese on desk?"

And on top of cheese, this.

- "Maybe this will change
your mind--Hercules."

- Okay?
- That's very nice.

- "Nice"?

No, no.

He tried to make of you
a little man.

- I'm not a little man.

- I know you're not
a little man, but...

- Mr. Buchman?
- Yes.

- All done here.

Here's your health rating.
Please display it prominently.

A "B"? No, no, no, no, no
a "B" is like an "F."

What are you--
How could we get a "B"?

- Nothing serious.

You got a lightbulb out
in your freezer, little things.

But I'll be back in a month

and see if we can't bump
you back up.

Oh, and Hercules Schein
says hello.

- Whoa. What?
What does that mean?

- It means I was in his shop,
and he said to say hello.

So message delivered.

Hercules.

- You must go talk to him
man-to-man.

- I think that time has come.

- Show him you are not
a little man.

- Okay.
- He's the little man.

- Okay.
- You are not a little man.

- Seriously, you got to stop
saying that now.

♪ ♪

- Your coffee.

And don't forget--
I owe you a foot rub.

- Oh, I won't forget.

Last night
was very enjoyable.

Best 15 bucks I ever spent.

Totally worth the trip
down to the ATM.

Are you thinking about noon?
- I'm thinking about noon.

I'm trying not to think
about it.

This may sound crazy,

but what if this apartment
is somehow the thing

that's kept us together
all these years?

What if the apartment
is the glue?

- I don't think so.

And on the other hand,
I would say

that maybe the glue's
not holding so well lately.

Maybe that means it's time
for a change--

you know, hit the reset button
in a new place.

- Yeah, but moving?

I don't think we can handle
that kind of stress right now.

- [sighs]
You don't want to sell?

- I don't.
- I don't either.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We'll just tell them
that we're out.

- Can we do that?
- Yeah.

- Are we stupid?
Can they sue us?

- I don't know. Maybe.
But you should call them.

- Me?
- Yeah.

I got to break it
to our daughter

she ain't getting
a pony.

- Ah...

- Fine.

[cell phone ringing]
Ooh.

Hello.
Hi. Yeah, speaking.

- [mouthing words]

- Uh-huh.

I see. Okay.

Okay, well, thank you
for letting us know.

Okay, bye.
- What?

- Uh, they don't need
till noon,

'cause they just accepted
our counter.

We got to be out
in two weeks.

- Yay?
- Hmm.

♪ ♪

- All right, let me know
how you like that mozzarella.

I think you're gonna be
very happy.

Hey, Mr. Buchman! Como va?

Let me guess--
you changed your mind.

- Ah, no, no,
didn't change my mind.

- You taste that gouda
I sent over?

- Uh, no, Mr. Schlein, I--
- Hercules. Please.

- Oh, okay.

Okay, Hercules, listen,
I don't mean any disrespect,

and I'm sure your cheese
is perfectly fine,

but this whole
shakedown thing--

- Whoa. Shakedown?

- Yeah, the cheese showing up
on my desk.

- He left it on the desk?

Oh, Madone,
that delivery kid.

I specifically said to him,

"Make sure you hand it
to the proprietor personally."

- Okay, well,
what about the little game

with the health inspector?

- Oh, how tough is she, huh?

I had one package of mortadella
wrapped not exactly perfect.

She gives me a "B."
You believe that?

- So it wasn't a message?
- What wasn't a message?

- "Hercules says hello"?

- Yeah, the message was "hello"
from me, Hercules.

- Oh, so it wasn't
the shakedown?

- Oh, my friend,
I think you've seen

a couple one too many movies.

Look, I make a terrific cheese.

I thought you might enjoy it.

If it's not for you,
it's not for you.

It's not a big deal.
- [laughs]

Okay, I feel
like a total jackass.

- Ah, don't be silly, but,
look, as long as you're here,

I want you to taste
this Taleggio.

I just cut this open
this morning.

Now, you see if this flavor
doesn't make your taste buds

jump for joy.

Ah?

- Oh, my God.
- Ha ha.

- [stammers]
- Huh?

Ah?
- That's unbelievable.

We are definitely gonna
get us some of this.

- All right, that's all
I'm saying.

So, what, you like them strong,
a little stinky?

- A little stinky?
Give me big stinky.

- All right, wait till you get
a load of this,

and I don't share this
with just anyone.

- Hercules, I am so embarrassed
about what I just said.

- Come on, don't give it
another thought.

- Talking about a shakedown.
I'm such an idiot.

- It's ridiculous.

Yeah, Vinny.

Yeah, you can call off
that thing

about our friend
down the block.

Yeah, we're good now.

I'm just busting your balls.

♪ ♪

- You know what? I really do
think this was meant to be.

- Yeah.
But in a good way, right?

- Absolutely. The fact that
this happened right now--

that's definitely a sign.

- Yeah, but--
but a good sign, right?

- Definitely.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've been here
a long time, and--

you know, and it's been
a big part of our lives.

- All of my life, actually.

- All of your life, yes,
and, uh--and it's been great.

You know,
I wouldn't change anything.

- Except the time you walked in
on me and Billy Farrely

making out
when I was in ninth grade.

- Okay.
- Or when I walked in

on you and Mom, and you were--
- We--we were wrestling.

- That's still your story?
- Yes, and I'm sticking to it.

- I think Daddy was trying
to make a point.

- Daddy was trying
to make a point.

I was simply saying that that's
all one chapter of our life,

and now we start
another chapter.

- But a good chapter, right?
- That's the plan, yes.

- Okay, if this is such a good
plan, how come I feel sick?

- Hey, you don't think
you're gonna feel sick

up in your helicopter
on a pony?

Hey, come here.
Listen.

Just 'cause it feels scary
doesn't mean it's wrong.

Right? And just keep in mind--
whatever happens,

wherever we end up,
the only thing that matters

is right here.
- Always.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
[cell phone vibrates]

Ooh, ooh.

Okay,
they're on their way up.

- Boy, suddenly I'm nervous.
- What are you nervous about?

- What, are you kidding?
I'm about to meet Beyoncé.

[doorbell rings]
- Beyoncé touched our doorbell.

- It's not Beyoncé.

- Okay, you are not gonna
believe this cheese.

I mean, when I say "funky,"

it doesn't even begin
to paint the picture.

But funky in, like,
the best possible sense.

Wow. You guys are really going
through with this, huh?

- Looks like we are.
- Hey, tell you what--

let's celebrate with some
cheese and crackers.

I'll put together a plate.
- Okay.

[doorbell rings]
- It's Spike Lee.

- How do you know?
- Sometimes you just know.

- Okay, all right.

Well, this is it.

- Mr. Buchman, hi. Hello.
- Yes. Hi.

- Hello.

- Okay, my client will be here
in just a second.

I want to come in first
and warn you,

he's very--
- Ha. It's a he.

- Fine, yes, it's a he.
- It is. It's a he.

He's a bit--I don't know

if "eccentric"
is really the right word.

He's gonna come in
and get a feeling.

He's either gonna like it,
or he won't.

- Of course
he's gonna like it.

- I'm sure he will. He's liked
every other unit on the floor.

And he's eager to move ahead
with this, so--

- Is it Spike Lee?
- Is it Spike Lee?

- It's not Spike Lee.

- Okay, but that was
such a good guess.

- He's a very nice guy,
very down to earth.

- Oh, good, good.
- The only thing that I ask

is that you don't speak
to him directly

or look him
directly in the eye.

- Are you serious?
- Are you making that up?

- Hello.
- David.

- It's the guy from the thing.
- These are the Buchmans.

- [groaning]
- Feel free to look around.

- I will.

Are these floors slanty?

- That's so funny
you would say--

- Is he talking to me?

- Mr. Buchman, you can direct
your questions to me.

- Yeah, sorry.

Uh, tell him
that the floor feels slanty,

but we had it inspected--
it's actually not slanted.

It's like
a mysterious phenomenon.

- Part of the charm
of the place.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Your show scares the shit
out of me.

- [chuckles]
- Sweetie, you're not--

- She can talk to me.
- Got it.

Uh, tell him I got it.
- Uh, tell him I heard.

- So what do you think?

- I mean, I...

What's that smell?

- Wait until you taste this.

- Oh, God!
- Jesus!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- [coughs] I think I'm gonna
throw up--I'm not kidding!

- Get that out of here!
- Oh, God!

Oh, God,
I could never live here.

Oh!

Ah! It's in my hair!

[door closes]

- Oops.

- You owe me a pony.

- Yes, let's talk about that.

I can tell
it's been bothering you.

- I don't know what it is.

I'm a pussycat,
but for some reason,

people find me threatening.

I mean, you don't think
I'm threatening, do you?

- What I think
isn't the issue here.

But, yes,
sometimes you employ a tone

which I would describe
as unsettling.

- I see.

That's unfortunate.

- Meaning what?

- Nothing.
That's your opinion.

Maybe you get convinced
otherwise.

- Right.

Oh, look, we're out of time.

- Okay.

Next week, then?

- We'll see.

- Okay, now I hear it.