All language subtitles for Mad.About.You.S08E08.Anderson.Cooper.and.Other.Fantasies.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

- Hey, we don't have any--
- Okay.

Uh-huh.
Uh, not a problem.

Y-you betcha.

No, not--not a problem.

Not one problem.
Bye-bye.

Okay, I got a big problem.
- What's up?

- This is like life or death.

Where would you rather stay:

at Dame Judi Dench's house
on the Upper East Side

or Anderson Cooper's place
downtown?

- Still waiting
for the "life or death" part.

- I double-booked
two house sitting gigs.

You--you gotta
take one of them.

Please help your sister!
Please!

- I love Anderson Cooper.
I'll do it.

- Great, all you have to do
is feed his fish.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
That won't work.

- Seriously?

You still have
the fish problem?

- I don't trust anything
that doesn't blink.

Paul will do it.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah, he loves
Anderson Cooper

and he has no issues with fish.

- Hello.

- You're spending the night
at Anderson Cooper's house.

- Okay.
- Great.

You're the best
brother-in-law ever.

I just texted you the address.

I will meet you there
at 5:00 p.m. with the keys.

I love you both!
I will never forget this!

- I'm sleeping
at Anderson Cooper's house?

- Yep.
- Is he gonna be there?

- Nope.
- That makes much more sense.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take
each other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly
into the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- So what's on your mind?

- Okay, so I've been
giving it some thought,

and I think I'm ready to
take on a bigger patient load.

- You do, huh?
- Well, yeah.

- I think
the last couple of weeks

I've really been
hitting my stride,

and I know
I have a long way to go, but--

do you know that guy?

- What guy?

- The guy you're staring at.

- Was I?
- Kinda.

- No, I wasn't staring.

But not too hard
on the eyes, though, huh?

Fine, he's my--

don't you dare make fun of me.

- I'm not.

- Okay, he is my fantasy
coffee husband.

- Your what now?
- My fantasy coffee husband.

I see him here all the time.

I've got the whole thing
worked out.

He is a cardiologist.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm, and we live
in Connecticut

with our three
beautiful children:

Emily, Justine, and Marcus.

I worry about that middle one.
- Justine?

- Yeah, she struggles a bit
in school.

- You've spent a lot of time
thinking about this.

Are you and Mark okay?
- We're great!

Mark has a fantasy wife
at the gym.

- [laughs]
- But it's fine.

They live in Jersey,
so we never see them.

It's just a fun,
meaningless little game

for both of us, that's all.

- Okay.

So anyway, about my taking on
some extra hours--

- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, sure.

Fine, whatever.

- This is the remote
for the TV,

and that's the remote
for the cable,

and that's the remote
for the sound system.

- All right.
- Don't touch any of them.

- Okay.
- Yeah, just ask the house.

You know, just say "house"
and then whatever.

[device chimes]

- Welcome home, Anderson.

I hope
you had a productive day.

- Anderson's not here!
- Okay.

- That thing creeps me out.
- Yeah.

- Okay, don't sit
in that chair.

That's a museum piece.
- Okay.

- And if you sit
on the couch, Paul,

don't keep picking
the same spot.

You gotta distribute your ass
evenly, you know?

Or else it'll make a dent.
Or don't sit at all.

- Don't sit.
Got it, okay.

Can I stand, or is the floor
off-limits too?

- The floor is free-range.

Just no shoes.
Socks only.

- Yeah, well,
that goes without saying.

Look at this guy.
Gets his own place.

- Yeah, I think
that's his favorite.

Oh, so, every morning:
two pellets for this guy

and 40 pellets for them.

- Got it.
2, 40.

- Yep.
- 2 for him, 40 for the team.

Wow, these are beautiful.

- Yeah, that's $6,000
worth of fish right there.

- Really?
Wow, what are they made of?

- Fish.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay, so you good?

- Yeah, yeah, cool.

- Basically, whatever you feel
like touching or doing, don't.

- Don't do, don't touch.

- One last thing:
this door is really heavy,

so you really gotta
slam it shut.

- Slam--
- Thank you!

- Yes!

Hee-hee!

Look at this.

Not too shabby, Buchman!

Oh, oh, hey.

[door opens]

- And don't try on his glasses.
- Okay.

See that chair?

That's a chair I can't sit in.

Here's a guy on a horse
I'm not allowed to touch.

You see all those things
back there?

Also not allowed to touch.

- Wow--oh, don't aim the camera
at the fish.

- Sorry, my bad.
- Oh, go back, go back.

Are those his glasses?
- Yep.

Those are
Anderson Cooper's glasses.

- Put 'em on.

- No, sweetheart,
I--I'm not supposed to.

- Don't be a baby.
Just put them on.

- Okay.

- Whoa.
Hello, Anderson.

I'm a big fan.

- Why, thank you very much.

- No, a very big fan.

- Oh.

Well, thank you.

- You know,
as luck would have it,

my husband's away
for a couple of nights

and I'm all alone here.

- Really?

What are you--
what are you wearing?

- My white shirt.

- Oh, yeah, 'cause I can see.

Okay, okay.

- Can you see this?

- Ooh.

- Button number one...

button number two...

[phone buzzes]

- Oh, hold on,
I've got another call.

- I was taking off my top.

- Let's not interrupt that.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, of course--it's my mother.

- All right, call me back.
- No, I'll call her back.

- What if she fell
or something?

- No, it doesn't feel like
a fall call.

Feels more like a "guess who
I bumped into at the mall"

kind of thing.

So commence
with the unbuttoning.

- Two buttons done.

Moving to the third.

- Ooh.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, my--God, bless her,
she's a persistent--

I'll call back!

All right, so are you naked?
- "Am I naked"?

- Oh!
- What kind of question--

- I--I'll call you back!
- Is she on hold?

- Yes.
- All right, call me back.

- Yes, Ma--uh, Ma, hi.

Uh, so what--
what was so important?

- So I'm at the mall.
Who do I run into?

- Okay, who?

- Grande almond milk
cappuccino, please,

with an extra shot.

[dishware clatters]

Good morning.
- Morning.

- My friend's not here today.

Hey, I saw
your fantasy husband.

- How did he look?
- Pretty great, and very nice.

I see why
you fantasy-married him.

- Yeah--wait,
what do you mean "he's nice"?

Did you talk to him?
- No, we didn't talk.

He said "good morning,"
I said "good morning."

Like that,
- Who said it first?

Him or you?
- I don't remember.

I--I think he said it first.
Maybe I did.

Not on purpose.
Our eyes met and--

- Oh, your eyes met, now,
did they?

- No, no,
I--I said "good morning."

Not even.
Like, "g'morning."

- Whatever.

- Are you actually upset
about this?

- Why shouldn't I be?

You have waltzed, uninvited,
into my fantasy life.

Now, whenever I close my eyes,
there you'll be,

standing right between me

and him and the kids
and the dogs.

- You have dogs?
- Of course we have dogs.

A ranch house in Connecticut
with that big-ass yard?

You think we wouldn't
have some freakin' dogs?

- I'm sorry.

Seriously, I promise:
it will never happen again.

This is probably a bad time

to ask
if you've given any thought

to the idea
of me taking on more patients?

Copy--copy that.

- House, uh, lights down 10%.

- Done.
- Very nice.

Uh, house, make it, like,
a--a little cooler in here.

- Feel better?

- Yes, I do.

House, bring--
bring me a pashmina.

Come on, you know he's got one.

Okay.
Hey, house, I'm gonna burp.

- Sorry, I don't know that,

but I do know a game
called "Funny Burps."

- Me, too.

Watch.
[belches]

Wow. I win.

[phone rings]

[chuckles]
Hey, Splinky.

- Hey, hey, can I come over
and see the place?

- No can do.

Sorry, I'm not allowed
to have any guests.

[knocking on door]

No, I can't, 'cause
the house sees everything.

Can't.

No, hang on a second,
I got somebody at the door.

- I gotta see the--
I gotta see his stove.

- Huh? What?
What--shoes, shoes!

Take off your shoes!
- All right, all right.

All right, shoes.
- "A stove"?

Who begs to see a stove?

- Paulie, it was featured

in "Kitchen Appliance Monthly"
last April.

Come on, just two minutes.
I promise.

- Okay, two minutes.

Wait, there's actually
a magazine called that?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like porn
but for restauranteurs.

Oh, last month they featured
a refrigerated prep table.

I swear,
if it wasn't for Lucia,

I'd be dating it right now.

- How'd you know I was here?
- Mark told me!

- It came up in conversation.

- What--who told you?
- Tonya.

- Wait, okay--
shoes, shoes!

Take off your shoes!
Take off your shoes!

- Holy Malloy!

What a place!
- What a stove!

- Okay, okay, guys, listen,

I--I'm not supposed to
be entertaining, here!

- Don't worry, I just came
to see his bathroom.

- Oh, no, no,
you cannot use his bathroom.

- Not to use.
Just to look.

- What--what do you mean,
"to look"?

- Paul, what do Anderson Cooper
and I have in common?

- [exhales, stammers]
I don't want to be cruel.

You tell me.

- We're both very pale-skinned,
but he's really pale.

He's almost translucent.

I've heard it said
that in 4K resolution,

you can actually see
some of his internal organs.

So whatever he uses
on his face, I need it.

I'm one face cream away
from being Anderson Cooper.

Now, where's the bathroom?

- Bathroom is upstairs,
but we're not allowed.

- Knocky-knocky!
- Marvin?

- Marvin!

- I hope you don't mind, but
I parked in Anderson's space.

- What--how are you--
- Oh, nice!

- What are you--
- Nice, nice!

- Okay, what are you
doing here?

- I'm driving across town
and I stop at a light--

- Shoes, shoes!
Take off your shoes!

- Man, you gotta see
this guy's stove!

- I'm driving across town,
I stop at a light,

and who do I see
but these two schmos?

And I say,
"What are you doing?"

They say, "Paulie's staying
at Anderson Cooper's.

Do you wanna come?"
I say, "Do I?"

Come on, man!
Anderson Cooper!

- Okay, guys, listen,
I'm not supposed to have--

- Five minutes.

Just wanna check out his
heating and air conditioning.

- His heating?
What are you--his heating?

- Show him your card!

Marvin, Marvin,
show him your new card!

Show him the new card!
- I don't wanna brag, but--ooh.

- "Marvin's Climate Change,

"Largest Heating
and Cooling Outfit

In The Entire Tri-State Area"?

- That's right.

I've come a long way
since Buchman Sporting Goods.

- How about that?
Huh, huh?

Mr. Largest
in the Tri-State Area now, huh?

- Yeah, well, to be honest,
it's just New Jersey,

but, uh, nobody ever checks
that shit.

- Okay--

- Man, you've gotta see
this oven.

Marvin, you can--you can put
a 50-pound turkey in there.

- You know what,
ovens aren't my thing,

but are you checking out
this beautiful duct-work?

It's quality craftsmanship.
It really is.

- Wait, wait--
- Guys--

- You've gotta come
take a picture of me

with this thing, okay?

It's so magnificent.

There's no way a selfie is
gonna do justice to this scale.

Come on--
- Okay, okay--

- Holy Malloy!
- Don't touch that!

Hey, hey, both of you,
do not leave this room!

Do you hear--do not!
- Look at the fishies.

I love fishes!

Look at you.

Oh, oh.

Look at you.

All alone.
All alone.

You probably wanna hang
with the other fishes,

but they're not interested.

No, no, no.

You're feeling ostracized,
aren't you?

And really alone,

and you're probably
taking those feelings

and eating inappropriately

and doing other
self-destructive activities.

Uh, just guessing.

Oh...
[laughs]

I'm gonna make things right.

- Whoa, Marvin,
what are you doing?

No, no,
don't, don't, don't, don't!

Oh, oh!

- Ah, sweet Jesus!

He's eating all the other fish!

- No, no, no, you still got
the other guy right in the--

oh, okay,
that's--that's all of them.

- Okay, this explains
the other bowl.

- Oh, take it, take it.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Sweetie, you are a lifesaver.

Look at you--so brave.

Going into a fish store
all by yourself.

Sweetie, eh, some of these fish
look a little sketchy.

How much were they?
- $42.

- $42 to replace
$6,000 worth of fish.

I'm sure that's fine.

- Wow, look at this place.

It's so Anderson-Coopery.

- Right?
- Ooh.

Let me see these bad boys
on you in person.

- You're so silly.
- Come on, come on, come on.

- Here.
- Wow.

Very nice.

What is that smell?
You smell good.

- That, my friend,
is Anderson's face cream.

- This is what
Anderson Cooper smells like?

- That would be my guess.

This plus whatever else
he's got going on.

- So if you're Anderson Cooper,

who am I?

- Oh, is this--
- Come on.

You're Anderson Cooper,
so I'm--it's your call.

- Uh, I'm thinking you kind of
have to be Christiane Amanpour.

- [British accent] Ah, hello,
I'm Christiane Amanpour,

just back from assignment

after I was granted entrance
into Iran.

- Mm-hmm.

- I haven't been with a man
in months.

I'm ready--so ready--
to be with a man.

- So am I,

and yet, in your case,
I'll make an exception.

Mm.

Okay.

So that happened.
- It sure did.

I gotta say,
it was pretty fantastic.

- Anderson, it sounded like
you were in distress.

Should I call 911?
both: No.

- You know, it--
it may not have been Tahiti,

but I'm gonna say
that was easily

the best half a minute
of the last decade.

- We're back, baby.
- Yes, we are.

- You think I can borrow

one of Anderson's T-shirts
to sleep in?

I won't take a nice one.
I'll grab a ratty one.

Although, he probably doesn't
have ratty ones.

- [stammers]

Were you thinking
of staying over?

- Yes, why?

- No reason.

But, you know, we just had this
really hot little quickie,

and the only way I could think
to make it hotter, frankly,

would be to get rid of you.

You know, like, uh,
"Thanks, babe.

I'll call you sometime, maybe."
You know, like that.

- Oh, this is my first walk
of shame in a lot of years.

I gotta say, I kind of like it.
- Right?

- Animal.
- Hmm.

Okay.
- You are so funny.

- What?

- Seriously, I don't understand
why you wouldn't want to

line them up
right from the beginning.

Then, when you're ready to go,
you put them on.

You can go.

- Let--let's get the walk
of shame going, baby, okay?

All right.
- I love you.

- You, too.
- See you tomorrow.

- All right.

- Oop, my jacket.

You forgot to put this one in.

[door slams]

[sighs]

[groans]
- What?

- Don't worry about it!
I did it!

- What'd you say?
Oh, oh!

No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, oh.

How could you still be hungry?

- Hey, there.
- Hello.

- I was wondering,
would you do me a huge favor

and say something to my friend
when she gets here?

- Excuse me?

- Just a "hello"
or "how are you"?

It would mean a lot.
- I'm not following.

- So my friend Tonya--

probably shouldn't have
told you her name.

She would hate that.

Anyway, she's been going
through a bit of a rough patch,

and just one stranger
saying hello--

it would make a big difference.

Please?

- I guess so.
- Thank you, thank you.

- How's it going?

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

- Did you tell him
to talk to me?

- No.

- Did she ask you
to say hello to me?

- I didn't ask you
to say anything, right?

- What did she say?
Tell me.

- Okay, you know what?

I can't do this anymore.

- I don't think
he's right for you.

It's nice to have you home.
- So nice to be home.

Although, I gotta say,
a little bit of an adjustment.

I just said,
"House, make me a sandwich."

Nothing.
- Turns out I missed you.

- I missed you too.

Sweetie, come on.
- Otherwise it gets all cakey.

- Yeah, I was gonna wipe it
when I'm done.

- I know.

It's just sometimes you don't,
so I thought I would.

- And very often I do.
- I didn't mean to insult you.

- I'm not insulted.
- Okay.

- But I gotta tell you,

best part
of Anderson Cooper's place?

Two whole days--
I wasn't wrong once.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

No, I'm just saying,
it--it was nice

to be my own boss for a minute.

- Okay, just to be clear,
I'm your boss

and the great decider
of when you're right and wrong?

Got it.

- That was not at all
what I was saying.

- I wonder who you might be
confusing me with?

Hmm, let's see: what other
important woman in your life...

- No, no, no.

- Who possibly, as you were
growing up, told you what to do

and who you spent your
whole life trying to please

might you be confusing me with?

- Well, first of all, I wasn't
trying to "please" you.

- Well, I'm super not pleased,

so you're hitting it
out of the park.

- Look, all I was saying--

- Look, it's okay

that you enjoyed being alone
for two days.

- I didn't.
- I did.

- You what?

- You don't think
I enjoyed some time alone?

A couple of days
apart from you?

Of course I did.
- Really?

- Are you kidding?
I loved it.

- Okay, I did too.
- Well...

- Like, a lot.
- So good.

- No, no, but, I mean,
really liked it.

- Okay, great.
So just say that.

- I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.

- "You didn't want to
hurt my"--

what am I, some
porcelain doll who's gonna--

- I'm sorry,
is it, like, a bad thing now

to be considerate
of your feelings?

- It's not you being
considerate of my feelings.

That's you being afraid
of upsetting me.

- No, not--because I love you.

- I love you too.
- Okay, all right.

Well, good.

So why would I
want you to be hurt?

- I'm just saying,
do me the courtesy

of saying what's on your mind
and stop walking on eggshells.

It's insulting.
- Okay, I got it.

- I'm a big girl,
and I can handle whatever it is

you think is gonna break me.

Watch. Go.
- What?

- Say something
that you're afraid to tell me

and watch how I'm still here.

Go ahead.
- Oh, this is a great game.

It's right up there
with "roll me in broken glass

and kick me in the balls."

Yeah.
- We'll play that later.

My game first.
Go ahead.

- [sighs]

- Do you want me
to help you start?

Okay, you don't like
when I tell you

how to put your shoes.

Got it.

Still don't see
why you don't want to

put them the right way,
but whatever.

You don't like it.
Got it.

What else?

How about this?

Stop hawking you
about the mustard.

Fair enough. I got it.
What else?

- I don't--
- Come on. Really?

There's nothing else about me
that you don't like?

- Okay--okay, here you go:

sometimes you start
humming a song,

and then you switch, like,
to another song,

and you don't--
you don't even realize

it's two separate songs.

- Really?
This bothers you?

- Not that much, no.

Actually,
it's kind of adorable.

- Jesus, you've gotta
get better at this.

- All right, all right
all right, you want one?

- Yes, good.
What.

- Okay, here you go:
sometimes...

sometimes, I'm saying--

you can be
a bit short with people.

Like--like strangers, mostly.
- Really?

- Yeah, no,
you're a little curt.

Curt sometimes.

Like--like with waiters.

Or, you know what, actually?

It's waitresses
more than waiters.

It's--it's not a big deal,
but you asked.

- No, it's okay.
I don't have to love it.

I don't think you're right,
but okay.

What else?

- Well, you know, actually,
that's--that's a big one.

- Waitresses?

- Not waitresses, but just,
you know, people in general.

- Oh, so now it's everyone
I'm awful to?

- I didn't say you were awful.

I'm just saying, you--

you can be a certain way
with people that sometimes--

it's, you know, a lot less
pleasant than maybe you think.

- I see.
- Oh, okay.

You know, 'cause I do a lot
of damage control, by the way.

Things you don't even
know about.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Like what? With who?

- Doesn't matter with who.
- Yes, it matters.

You can't accuse me of that--
- I'm not accusing.

I'm simply saying
I've noticed--

- Oh, that is
such a dirtbag move.

You drop that on me
and then you say

"I have noticed"?

- No, but you asked me,
and I'm saying yes.

You have a way about you

that you can be dismissive
of people sometimes.

Yeah, and I don't know,
maybe you don't see it

or maybe you don't care--
which I don't even know

which is worse,
to tell you the truth--

but I've just
gotten used to it, you know?

I guess 'cause you do that
with me all the time.

- I do what?
- This, this.

Yes, you--you expect everybody

and everything
to be a certain way,

and when it's not, you just--
you look at us like,

"What's wrong with you?
Why don't you get it?"

Yeah, you look at me like that
all the time--all the time.

I'll ask you a question.
It's a simple question.

A silly, you know--

"What are we doing
Saturday night?"

And, yeah, maybe you did
tell me the day before

and maybe I forgot.

Guess what?
People forget, you know?

Uh, by the way, good luck
with the next 30 years.

That's gonna be a treat.

But, yeah, you do.

You do this thing where--

you don't even have to
say anything,

but I--it's in your eyes.

I'm telling you,
there's a thing in your eyes.

It's like this impatience.

This constant state
of irritation,

like everybody's
irritating you,

and I'm telling you,
it's brutal.

It's brutal.

And you can tell me
that I'm projecting this

and, okay, maybe you're not
thinking all these things,

but I'm telling you:
yeah, you are.

You are--
and even if you're not,

that's how it feels to me.

How about this:
do you know--do you know why?

Why I don't say everything
that bothers me

exactly when it's bothering me?

Because that's what feels right
to me, you know?

I'm not saying it's right
or wrong or better or worse,

but apparently
that's what I seem to do, okay?

And, yeah, it's not always
gonna line up

exactly with
how you would do it

or how you wish
everybody else in the world

who's not you would do it.

Because if you do say
everything that's on your mind,

you know what?

A lot of shit will get said

that probably should
never be said.

You want an example?
Here you go.

Here you go:
Mabel was five years old.

Remember she ran
into the kitchen counter there?

She had to get stiches
on her lips

and you felt so horrible

and you thought
it was your fault

and I said, "Don't be silly.

No, it's not your fault."

Guess what?

I wasn't
being really honest there

'cause I wasn't 100%
that it wasn't your fault.

I'm still not sure
that wasn't your fault.

Should I say that?

Is there any value--
what possible good

would come out of me
saying that to you?

Tell me, 'cause personally,
I don't see it.

Do you?

Okay, now what?

- Well, well, well.

Look who's back.

- House, alarm on.

- Alarm activated.

- ♪ Yeah ♪