Original subtitles

♪

-So, Mr Barber, we've had a complaint from Miss...

-I think you know my name by now.

I have been here over a year.

-No, I don't think I do.

-Well, why don't you just call me anything you like?

Hmm, why not call me Miss Chakrabarty?

-Right, so, Miss Chakrabarty --

-Postern.

-Well, why did you say your name was Chakrabarty?

-Well, look, it doesn't really matter right now, does it?

-Anyway, this woman here, whatever her name is,

Postern, Chakrabarty, we'll never know,

has been telling tales on you.

-That's not actually true, Gareth.

I was just very concerned about your welfare.

-So concerned, she dropped you in it.

-What am I supposed to have done now?

-Just be honest, please, Gareth.

Have you been sleeping in my classroom?

-Like a dirty vagrant?

Miss Chakrabarty's words, not mine.

-No! No, I promise you, I'm back on my feet now.

I just got the caravan back from the bailiffs.

-Well then, why did I find this on top of my store cupboard?

-How do you know it was mine?

-Because it says "Mr Barber's Box".

-That doesn't mean I've been bedding down there

the last fortnight.

-Toothbrush.

Underpants, triple extra-extra-extra large.

-Oh, God, no.

-Camping stove. -What would I do with that --

-Tin of all day breakfast in a can.

-Oh, rumbled.

-Packet of wet wipes.

-As though I'd use those instead of having a bath!

-And finally,

a specialist magazine entitled "Hot Mature Babes."

-I only read that for the articles!

-There aren't any articles,

'cause I had a quick flick through.

-Do they accept readers' photographs?

-Yeah, that's the best bit.

-And do they blur the faces, or...

-Sorry to break this up. I think

we're becoming distracted from the issue at hand.

-So, Mr Barber,

there will be no more sleeping on school property,

is that understood?

-Yes, Headmistress. Of course.

100%. -Excellent.

-Does that include the cleaning cupboard?

-Yes!

-Boiler room?

-Absolutely anywhere on school property!

-Got it.

[ Door opens ]

Shed?

♪

[ Whistling ]

-Oh, last to leave again, am I?

-Aye.

Just gonna lock up and head home myself.

I'm not bedding down in the school.

No matter what that Mrs Chakrabarty says.

-Not sure I've met her.

Well, good night, caretaker.

-Night, Keith.

See you in the morning!

By which time, I'll have definitely

gone home and come back again, so...

[ Door creaks, closes ]

♪

-[ Singing indistinctly ]

[ Sniffs ]

[ Singing continues ]

[ Smoke alarm beeping ]

Oh, bugger!

♪

-I had to have a word with the Head yesterday.

I mean, he was actually sleeping in my classroom.

-Sad, innit? Kipping in a school.

Explains why your room stank.

-It didn't stink.

Might have been a slight stale odour.

-Yeah, but think of all the guffs

he was letting off in the night!

-I'd rather not.

I've just glad I've nipped it in the bud.

Oh, my God!

-Bloody 'ell!

-Morning!

Oh, no, there's been a fire!

[ School bell rings ]

♪

-And so I will be dismissing Mr Barber

with immediate effect.

-Oh, no, no, no, I feel so bad about this.

Please, please don't sack him.

-Says the one who grassed him up!

-Look, the important thing to remember here

is not who did or didn't grass him up,

and nobody did, so let's stop using the g-word.

The important thing is that we have a colleague --

-Well, the teachers are colleagues.

He's more support staff. -And a friend.

Okay, someone that we know very well.

-I don't know him that well. -Who we've met,

who desperately needs our help,

otherwise he will end up begging on the streets!

-I read in the Daily Mail the other day

that some of these beggars make

over a quarter of a million pounds a year!

-Look, all Gareth needs is a place to sleep.

I mean, if he had somewhere to live,

you wouldn't sack him, would you?

-No, I wouldn't, Miss Chakrabarty.

-Her name's not -- -No, don't...

-So, I'm sure you'd love to be the one

who puts him up.

-Well...well, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up, Ms Baron.

Yes, I would love to put Gareth up...

-That's settled, then. -But...

-Here we go. -I only have the one spare room.

-And? -And it only has a sofa bed.

And that's not a long-term solution, is it?

He needs a bed.

A bed that stays a bed.

-What a kind-hearted woman you are.

Anybody else before I sack him?

Mr Church? -Oh, like Sarah, I'd love to.

But... -Ah, here we go again.

-I only have the one large towel.

Wouldn't be fair on Gareth to expect him

to use a damp towel.

-Could you not buy another towel?

-Well, then I'd need a bigger towel rack.

And so on and so on and so on and so forth.

It would quickly descend into chaos.

-Well, there we have it.

Mr Barber will be out of a job and sleeping on the streets.

-Alright.

-Oh, Trevor, can't you put Gareth up?

-No, no, no way!

-But you're always telling me how big and comfy your bed is.

-Oh, is he?

-You said it could fit you, me and Pippa Middleton.

-Yeah, I'd love to.

I mean, them posh birds, they're filth.

-So you could easily fit Gareth in.

-Problem solved. Thank you, Mr Gunn.

-Eh?

Eh!

♪

Oh, bollocks.

[ Liquid fizzes ]

-Hello!

-Oh, hello!

-Thank you for letting me share your classroom.

-We're finally moving in together.

-Yes, but just into a classroom.

-Yes. -And it's only

for a couple of weeks. -Maybe longer.

-No, because by then, my own classroom

will have been redecorated.

-With any luck, it might burn down again.

[ Laughs ]

That was misjudged.

-This is too soon to joke about the inferno.

-I realise that now.

So, did you manage to salvage much from the fire?

-The inferno. -The inferno.

-No. My cheese map of France got very badly singed.

-I'm sorry to hear that. -My papier-mâché Arc de Triomphe

is just a mass of twisted chicken wire.

-Dare I ask what happened to your novelty rubber baguette?

-It's a sticky beige pool on the floor.

-Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.

-Thank you.

What -- What are you doing?

-I'm comforting you.

-Right, well, I'm not feeling very comforted.

-Should I stop? -Yeah.

-Well, stay right there, I've got a welcome gift for you!

Un bottle de vin!

-Ooh, merci, monsieur!

Oh, it's just a small one.

-Well, I know you live alone,

so a full-sized bottle would be too much

for one sitting.

-Well, I could have asked one of my toyboys 'round.

-You don't have a toyboy, do you?

-No, it was a joke.

-Maybe I'll laugh about it later.

Don't forget to read the card!

-I won't. So where can I put all my kit?

-Oh, Jo will find a place for it. Jo?

-Hello, Jo!

-Say hello, Jo!

Sarah's moving in with us. That's super news, isn't it?

Will you find a place for Sarah's things, please?

[ Glass shattering, items breaking ]

Oh, God.

♪

-This is my bedroom.

Or, as I call it, Shag Central. -Well, it's very kind of you

to put your rutting on hold for me.

-S'alright.

It's the birds I feel sorry for.

Right, then, a guided tour.

Got me own beer fridge. -Oosh.

-Help yourself.

-Oh, thanks.

-It's £10 a can. -Oh.

I'll just pop down the offy

and get myself a jumbo bottle of cider, then.

Eh, you've got some smashing toys.

-No, no, they're not toys.

They're collectable miniatures.

-Yeah, if you say so.

-Don't touch 'em!

-[ Grunts ]

Forgot what a mattress feels like!

-Well, we're gonna have to,

sort of top and tail,

so if you put your head that end,

and your feet that end. -Yep, alright.

-Yeah, right, and I'll go this end.

-Yep.

-No. -Here we go, boys.

What are you doing?

-Nothing.

-That should keep you going.

-Oh, thanks.

Smashing glass of milk, Mrs G.

-Oh, that's kind, thank you.

Oh, have one of my special crispy cakes.

-Don't mind if I do!

Mmm.

-You like it? -Delicious.

Could be part of the Tesco's Finest range.

-I'm so pleased.

Trevor never says anything nice about my cooking.

-Yeah, I do. -You don't.

And it's so lovely you're staying with us.

Trevor never introduces me to any of his friends.

-Wouldn't exactly say --

-I gotta say that this boy's been like a rock for me.

Probably the best friend I've ever had.

-What a lovely thing to say.

-Jesus, you stink!

-But I've got a bone to pick with you, Trevor.

You never told me you had such a beautiful mother.

-[ Giggles ] Oh, Gareth!

-You got any washing up to be getting on with?

-Alright, I get the message.

-Tell you what, you wash, I'll dry.

-Oh, well, you can come again.

-Hey, let me take that for you, come on.

Ladies first.

-Gareth.

If you come back in again, knock.

-That means he'll be touching himself.

♪

[ School bell rings ]

♪

-Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Church!

-What have you done to my classroom?

-Our classroom, remember?

Don't you like it?

-Well, look at my periodic table!

You've completely obscured the transition metals!

I'm sorry, this is gonna have to come down.

-Don't you touch that! -What?

-That is staying exactly where it is.

How else are the kids supposed to know

the French for a ham and cheese toasted sandwich?

-Well, very easily,

because it's even called a croque monsieur

in Wetherspoons. -Is it?

Hmm.

Oh! Oh, look, now I'm in the way of the periodic table.

Well, perhaps I should just go, too, should I?

Come on, come on, Sarah, out you go.

Come on, come on,

you're obscuring some boring old metals!

-There is nothing boring about transition metals.

They happen to have the highest density

of all the metals. -Boring!

-And if you'll excuse me, Sarah,

I have a chemistry lesson to teach.

Because, lest we forget, this is a chemistry classroom.

-Fine.

Well, I know where I'm not wanted.

Oh, and you should know, that your lab technician's

been extremely hostile towards me.

-Oh, for God's sake, Sarah, don't drag Jo into this!

It's been a very confusing time for her,

and I happen to know she's grown very fond of you.

Haven't you, Jo?

-[ Snorting ]

[ Spits, bucket pings ]

-In fairness, she has been very phlegmy.

-It's taken on the texture of bread pudding.

-Yeah. That chocolate flavor -But in no way...

-There you go, Mrs G.

-Oh, thank you, Gareth.

-Thank you for a cracking dinner.

Those Findus Crispy Pancakes were cooked to perfection.

-See? I am a good cook. -What d'you mean?

You just take them out the freezer

and put them in the oven!

-Trevor, I was watching that!

-Wanna watch "Top Gear."

-No, put "MasterChef" -- -"Top Gear's" just starting!

-Do what your mother says, eh?

[ "Top Gear" theme playing ]

-Well, with a perfect lemon cake,

it's got to take it to the edge of...

-You'd be wonderful on this programme, Mrs G.

-Really? I don't know about that.

-If that Angel Delight's anything to go by,

you'd walk it.

-It's going a little dark. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I hate "MasterChef." It's boring.

Just some bald bloke's boyfriend eating asparagus.

-You are obviously not enjoying it,

so why don't you just go to your room?

-Alright, I will. Come on, Gareth!

-What?

-We're going to my room. -No, no, you go on.

I'll stay and keep your mam company.

-I don't think that's quite, um,

I think it's a bit too much.

It's taking on -- You are now

looking on the kitchen as a place of exploration and fun,

where too many people look at it as a place full of chores.

-Exactly.

-So the difference in the approach is enormous.

And that difference is what gets people into the...

-Mm, you smell nice.

[ Dog barks in distance ]

[ Headboard banging against wall ]

-[ Grunting ]

-[ Moaning ]

♪

♪

-[ Grunts ] Did my back in last night.

[ Tyres screech ]

-Right, get out.

-What've I done?

-You know exactly what you've done.

And you ain't just done it the once, have ya?

I mean, you've done it again and again...

...and again, so get out.

-I can't walk all the way to school.

Barely made it down the stairs this morning.

-Out!

-Ah, it's about me and your mam, ain't it?

-Don't.

Seriously, just...

...don't. -Alright.

Oh.

Your mum asked if you could pick up

a large tub of margarine on the way home.

We got through a lot of it last night.

[ Engine revs, tyres screech ]

♪

-Thanks for helping me, Jo.

I know we didn't get off to the best start,

but this is fun, isn't it?

We should spend some more time together.

Outside school. What d'you think?

Go out one day, hmm? Just us girls?

Do a bit of shopping?

Or as I call it, retail therapy?

[ Laughs ]

That's funny, isn't it, Jo?

Retail therapy?

Or we could get mani pedis?

You can get your toes waxed.

Or I could do you a makeover. Hmm?

I've done it lots of times for friends.

And, well, I don't want to exaggerate,

but just by picking the right lip gloss,

I've transformed women's lives.

I mean, you know, I can't promise you this,

but have a think, yeah?

Yeah?

Do we have a yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah.

-Morning! -Morning, Keith.

-Oh, nice to see my girls getting on.

-Jo's been helping me with my [speaks French] poster.

-Really?

-Yeah, we've been having a right old girly chat.

-So that's why my conical flasks are unwashed, is it?

-Yes, I said she could do those later.

-Jo, will you excuse us one moment, please?

Jo is my lab technician! She is not your lab technician!

French teachers do not have lab technicians!

-Oh, sorry, my bad!

I thought we were sharing everything!

-We are sharing a classroom, that is all.

Sorry, Jo, we haven't quite finished.

-Oh, yes, we have finished, Jo.

I'm leaving. -Where are you going?

-Well, you obviously don't care about my burned-out classroom,

so from now on, I'll teach my lessons in the toilet!

♪

♪

-Mr Church, why would you force a colleague

to teach her classes in a lavatory?

-A better question would be to ask Miss Postern

why my conical flasks were left unwashed.

-Because Jo was helping me

cut out pictures of shoes, okay?

-But Jo was meant to be rinsing

my conical flasks, okay?

-Oh, God, here we go again.

Why don't the two of you just go off

and have some angry sex?

-Well, I was thinking I could just change classrooms.

-We should consider all the options.

-Except that one!

And having shared with you, I can see why you live alone.

-I can see why you live alone. -I don't live alone.

I live with Jose et Jime. -They're cats!

-Yes, I know they're cats, Keith,

and they're a lot better company than you are.

-Well, I can see why you enjoy their company so much,

because they don't answer back,

so you can just drone on and on and on and on.

-Oh, listen to you droning on and on and on and on.

[ Both arguing ]

-Shut up! You're both as bad as each other.

Mr Church, go back to your chemistry lab.

Miss Chakrabarty, go back to your classroom.

-But it is still being re--

-Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't listening.

♪

♪

-Alright? -Hello.

-How's it going with Sarah?

-Yes, fine, thank you.

How's it going with Gareth?

-Couldn't be better. -Good.

Oh, God, she's coming over. Hello, Sarah.

-You alright, babes? -I'm fine, thank you, Trevor.

-♪ I'm walking on sunshine, wo-oah ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, wo-oah ♪

♪ I don't feel good ♪

-Have you been sniffing the creosote again?

-Those days are behind me, I'm on a natural high.

-Oh, good for you, Gareth.

Because you are normally someone who -- forgive me --

sucks the life out of the room.

-Aye, that was the old Gareth.

This is the new Gareth. He's got his mojo back.

-Well, that was all sudden.

-Yes, what exactly happened overnight in bed?

[ Silverware clanks ]

-Don't.

Seriously, don't.

-Yeah, but -- -Don't.

-Don't worry, Trevor.

I'm not gonna go into all the ins and outs

of what I got up to with your mother.

-That's my mum you're talking about.

She only ever done it once, and that was to have me.

-Oh, I don't think so, lad.

Your mum knows more tricks than Paul Daniels!

[ Dog barks in distance ]

[ Headboard bangs against other side of wall ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Dog barking, car alarm blaring ]

-[ Laughs ]

-Look what you've done to my Ferrari Testarossa.

-Don't worry. After school,

we can pop by Toys 'R' Us and pick you up a new one.

-It is not a toy.

It is a collector's item.

-Please, Trevor.

Sit down.

-Rita, d'you want me to tell him?

-No, no, let me, Gareth.

-Tell me what?

-You know how much I love you, Trevor.

But...

-What?

-Well, um, me and Gareth

have been...talking,

and we both think it's best for you

if you start looking for a place of your own.

-What?

-All we want is for you to be happy.

-I was happy till he came along!

-That's very rude, Trevor.

-Rude? I tell you what's rude!

That's giving your bed to somebody for the night,

and then they go, "Thank you very much,

now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go and hop on your mum!"

-Oh!

-Don't talk like that in front of your mother!

Anyway, it was more a case of your mum hopping on me.

-Oh!

-She rode me like it was the Grand National, boy.

-Oh, right, that's it. I'm done.

You do what you want.

But I'm moving out.

And don't try and stop me because you can't.

I said don't try and stop me.

Right.

[ Door slams ]

-[ Sobs ]

-Eh.

You okay?

-Yeah.

-Wanna get a quick one in before work?

-Yeah.

♪

♪

-I'm back on track.

The voices in my head have gone.

-That's reassuring. -Got a roof over my head,

I'm not drinking from puddles anymore,

and best of all, I'm getting regular sex.

-Now you've put that horrendous image in my mind,

what d'you want?

-I wanna be a teacher again. -Oh, God!

[ Door opens ]

-Here's your cup of tea, Ms Baron.

-Please, Headmistress, geography is my passion,

and I was born to teach it.

I want to share my love of crop rotation

and coastal erosion. -Are you alright, Gareth?

You sound quite mental again.

-Please Miss Baron, it's my passion.

My passion.

-Well, what happens when the children start chanting,

"Baa, baa, baa, baa"? -Baa, baa, baa.

Baa?

-They'd have forgotten about all that.

Come on, give this geography teacher

a chance to sing again, eh? -On a caretaker's salary?

-I'd do it for nothing. -It's a deal.

-You are a beautiful woman.

-Don't touch. -Of course.

-Daphne? Show Mr Barber out.

-Out where? -Out the door!

-Oh. -I won't let you down.

And I promise you this -- no more fires.

-If it's not too much to ask.

♪

-You all right, Miss?

-Hmm. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

[ Chuckles ]

It's just that, um,

someone's written a poem especially for me.

-Is it Mr Church?

-Is it that obvious that he likes me?

-Yeah, and he's written his name at the bottom.

-Oh, right.

Yeah.

-"At Greybridge School, you're a ray of light,

Beautiful, kind, witty and bright."

-Well, he's certainly got me down to a T.

-"You're an asset to the Department of French.

And as welcoming as a lovely bench."

I don't really get the bit about the bench.

-Well, he's just trying to find something

to rhyme with French.

-Why does he say Department of French

and not French Department? -Alright, you're being

a bit of a killjoy now, Nicholas.

-Sorry, Miss. -No, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little bit all over the place

with everything at the moment.

-Maybe you shouldn't drink at school.

-Right, I didn't actually drink anything though, did I,

because I spat it back into the bottle.

Look, I really like Mr Church.

I mean, his heart's in the right place,

but it's just sometimes he can be really annoying.

-Yeah.

But then, so can you, so it could work.

See ya!

-Bye.

♪

-Barber's back.

[ Students shouting "Baa!" ]

[ Panting ]

Oh, bugger!

♪

♪

[ Knocking on window ]

-Hello.

-I read your poem.

-Oh.

Did you like it? -I give it an A star.

-I did struggle to find anything to rhyme with French.

-I barely noticed.

Keith, no one's ever written me a poem before.

-That surprises me.

I'd have a thought a woman as, dare I say it,

beautiful as you would have had between

5 or 10 poems written about her?

-Or more, but no.

-May I offer you a lift?

-I thought you'd never ask.

-Oh.

You alright?

-Yes, yes, I'm fine.

-Have you been drinking?

-No, I just rinsed my mouth with wine.

-Oh.

So, where would you like to go?

-Let's be spontaneous!

Just drive and let's go where the open road takes us!

-Bella Italia? -Yeah, that sounds good.

♪

♪

♪

-♪ When I think about the days ♪

♪ There is something of a haze about it ♪

♪ When you said we'd never change ♪

♪ But we never sat to think about it ♪

♪ Though we're not the same ♪

♪ Let's not break the chain ♪

♪ We should play this game together ♪

♪

♪