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1
00:00:01,419 --> 00:00:04,588
No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out
my problem with women.1
2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,342
The capybara is the largest member
of the rodent family.
3
00:00:08,551 --> 00:00:10,720
What does that have to do
with me and women?
4
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:12,763
Nothing, it was a desperate attempt...
5
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:15,933
...to introduce
an alternate topic of conversation.
6
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,352
My problem
is I don't project confidence.
7
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:22,022
So I decided that the next time I meet
a woman I think is attractive...
8
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,525
...rather than holding back
and being cautious...
9
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,610
...I'll assume
the mantle of self-assurance.
10
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,238
Oh, yeah? What does that look like?
11
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,034
Hi.
12
00:00:34,577 --> 00:00:36,370
I'm Leonard.
13
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,706
You are beautiful.
14
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:42,418
You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.
15
00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:48,382
I'm gonna pick you up at 8,
show you a night you will never forget.
16
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:51,218
Where are we going?
17
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:58,726
Good news, I made it onto the team
for the new Defense Department...
18
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:02,229
- ...laser-equipped surveillance satellite.
- Excuse me.
19
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:05,733
If we're changing topics, I believe
I have first dibs with capybara...
20
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,736
...a rodent the size of a baby hippo.
21
00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:12,281
- Congratulations, Howard.
HOWARD: Thanks.
22
00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:14,658
Listen,
I have to get a security clearance...
23
00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:17,411
...so you guys might be hearing
from the FBI.
24
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,164
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to speak to the FBI.
25
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:24,251
- Why not?
- I'm brown and I talk funny.
26
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,670
They're just doing
a background check on me.
27
00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:31,175
It doesn't matter, they'll find a reason to
give me a one-way ticket to Gandhiville.
28
00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:33,761
By the way, when I say that,
it's not offensive.
29
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:35,763
Don't be ridiculous, Raj.
30
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:37,765
- You're here legally.
- Nobody cares.
31
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:40,559
You know how long it's been
since I got through airport security...
32
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,853
...without being given a colonoscopy?
33
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:47,274
You know, I try very hard to make our
lunch hours educational and informative.
34
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:52,112
But your insistence on talking about
your own lives stymies me at every turn.
35
00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,949
Fine, Sheldon,
tell us about your giant rodents.
36
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:59,119
No. You squandered your time with me
and the moment has now passed.
37
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,788
Feast on your disappointment...
38
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:04,333
...much as the capybara
feasts on its own waste.
39
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,447
Oh, Bella, don't you see?
40
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:39,034
Edward's only pushing you away
because he loves you.
41
00:02:39,577 --> 00:02:40,619
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
42
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:41,871
Coming.
43
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,080
(CLEARS THROAT)
44
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:47,918
Dr. Koothrappali?
45
00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:53,799
I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
May I come in?
46
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,555
I'd like to talk to you
about Howard Wolowitz.
47
00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,682
Ah, thank you.
48
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,977
All right. Well, how long have you known
Mr. Wolowitz?
49
00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,960
- Rum cake?
- No, thanks.
50
00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:32,087
Now, about Mr. Wolowitz.
51
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,505
Seven years.
52
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,174
I see.
53
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:40,387
I'm in this country legally, you know.
54
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,931
I'm sure you are.
55
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,349
Now, to your knowledge...
56
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,601
...has Mr. Wolowitz
ever committed a crime?
57
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:46,852
Of course not.
58
00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:48,354
I'm here on an H1B visa...
59
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,941
...which means I can't be associated
with crime or criminal activity...
60
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,359
...and I'm not.
61
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,568
Good.
62
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,738
To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz
have any foreign contacts?
63
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,865
No, just me.
64
00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,617
Oh, there it is.
65
00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:03,619
Here comes the cavity search.
66
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:06,413
- Excuse me?
- Please don't send me back to India.
67
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:10,084
It's so crowded. It's like the whole
country is one endless Comic-Con...
68
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:15,005
...except everybody's wearing
the same costume: Indian Guy.
69
00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:17,132
- Dr. Koothrappali...
- I love this country.
70
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:21,303
The baseball, the freedom,
the rampant morbid obesity.
71
00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:25,224
From California to the New York island,
I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy.
72
00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:26,725
Dr. Koothrappali, please.
73
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,228
(SINGING)
My country 'tis of thee
74
00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:32,272
Da-da-da liberty
75
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:35,234
It's really great
76
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,279
So when Howard said
the FBI would be contacting me...
77
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,156
...I was expecting Mulder.
78
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:44,535
Glad to see I got Scully, ha, ha.
79
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,037
- Who?
- Mulder and Scully.
80
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,581
X-Files.
81
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,209
"The truth is out there." Never mind.
82
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:55,254
Uh, so, what would you like to know?
83
00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,924
You work with Mr. Wolowitz
here at the university, correct?
84
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:01,343
Yes. Of course,
we're in different departments.
85
00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:04,304
He's an engineer
and I'm an experimental physicist.
86
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,515
You know, one of those guys
who examines...
87
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,767
...the building blocks of creation
and says:
88
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,186
"Hello, maker of the universe.
89
00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:13,939
I see what you did there.
90
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:15,774
Good one."
91
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:17,192
Right.
92
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:20,696
Now, how would you characterize
your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?
93
00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:22,865
Good.
94
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,492
It's a good relationship.
95
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,704
Of course, most of my relationships
are good, you know.
96
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:32,041
Probably because I exude confidence.
97
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,084
People are drawn to that, you know?
98
00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:35,335
Mm.
99
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:37,713
Confidence, not exuding.
100
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,718
Do you know of any groups
Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?
101
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:45,387
You are beautiful, you know that?
102
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:50,100
You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.
103
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,396
I'm gonna pick you up at 8.
104
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:57,816
Show you a night
you will never forget.
105
00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,735
Sounds great.
106
00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:01,987
Really?
107
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,822
Yeah.
108
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:07,493
Can my 6'2" Navy SEAL husband
come with us?
109
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:13,624
Is that...? Oh, my, I didn't see the ring
with my glasses off, so...
110
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:15,250
Look at that, I'm starting to exude.
111
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,044
(CHUCKLES)
112
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,588
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
113
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:23,175
LEONARD: Wanna get that?
- Not particularly.
114
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:27,554
- Could you get that?
- I suppose I could if I were asked.
115
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,764
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
116
00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:32,726
- Would you please get that?
- Well, of course.
117
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:37,356
Why do you have to make things
so complicated?
118
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,526
- Dr. Cooper?
- Yes.
119
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,654
I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
120
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:50,160
You say you're Special Agent Page,
FBI.
121
00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,037
Here's my ID.
122
00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:56,917
And here is my Justice League
membership card.
123
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,213
But that doesn't prove
I know Batman.
124
00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:05,968
I just wanna ask you a few questions
about Howard Wolowitz.
125
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,221
Oh. Well, all right.
126
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:12,057
I doubt anyone would risk
the stiff penalties...
127
00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:14,726
...for impersonating a federal officer
just to ask questions...
128
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:18,814
...about a minor-league engineer
with an unresolved Oedipal complex.
129
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,819
- Thank you.
- For the record, I truly support the FBI...
130
00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:26,989
...in the mission
which is expressed through their motto.
131
00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:29,700
Fidelity, bravery, integrity?
132
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,785
Correct. Now to business.
133
00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:36,582
Eighteen years ago,
I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples...
134
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:40,460
...from a bag of excrement that had
been lit on fire on my front porch...
135
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:46,008
...for fingerprinting and DNA analysis.
136
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,093
Why haven't I heard back yet?
137
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:52,598
Well, the FBI Crime Lab
does have a lot on its plate.
138
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:56,310
That's of little comfort to a nation
attempting to scrape burning feces...
139
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,853
...off its shoes.
140
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:01,023
Would you mind
if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?
141
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,817
A little, but go on.
142
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,319
Thank you.
143
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,738
Would you characterize him
as responsible?
144
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:11,491
I'm going to answer that
with a visual aid.
145
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:18,040
This is my nine-disc complete
Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set.
146
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,042
Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it...
147
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:24,504
...damaged plastic-retention
hub number three...
148
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,969
...and then returned it to me
hoping I wouldn't notice.
149
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:34,765
Would you characterize that
as responsible?
150
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:37,643
That's really not the sort of thing
we're interested in.
151
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,481
- You heard me say "Blu-ray," right?
- I did.
152
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:46,068
Very well,
would you be interested in knowing...
153
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:50,030
...that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck
on to my "World of Warcraft" account...
154
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,991
...and changed the name
of a certain level-80 warlock...
155
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:56,161
...from "Sheldor" to "Smeldor"?
156
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,915
I'm afraid not. Is there anything else?
157
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,334
Anything else?
Where would you like to start?
158
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:05,545
He refuses to pay fines when
he's overdue with books I lend him.
159
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,840
He crashed the Mars Rover
while attempting to impress a woman.
160
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,718
He recommended that I go see
the third Matrix movie...
161
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:15,722
...because it was, and I quote,
"Just as good as the first one."
162
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,851
If that's not irresponsible,
I don't know what is.
163
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,603
The Mars Rover?
164
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:30,320
- Did I say "Mars Rover"?
- You did.
165
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,948
That was actually
a poorly chosen example...
166
00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:35,367
...as it had nothing to do with me.
167
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:39,371
- Yes, well, let's talk about it anyway.
- I don't want to.
168
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,041
Not that my disinclination
to discuss the topic...
169
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,086
...should be interpreted as evidence
of Howard Wolowitz's culpability...
170
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:49,381
...in the destruction of government
property worth millions of dollars.
171
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,259
Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
I think I have all I need.
172
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,553
Oh, good.
173
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,640
I was afraid you were going to fixate
on that Mars Rover incident.
174
00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,397
Hey, buddies.
175
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,067
Guess who didn't get security clearance
to work on the giant space laser.
176
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,987
- What happened?
- The background interviews didn't go well.
177
00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,865
You guys wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?
178
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:20,495
Well, actually, I may have gotten
a little tipsy when I talked to her.
179
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,665
And I may have hit on her a little bit.
180
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:24,916
(HOWARD SCOFFS)
181
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,753
And I may have thrown up rum cake
on her shoes.
182
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,424
I see. Well, it's good to know
when I need you guys...
183
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,303
...I can always count on you
to step up and ruin everything.
184
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,432
- I feel awful.
- Me too.
185
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,810
I thought if anyone was gonna
screw things up for Howard...
186
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,604
...it'd be Sheldon.
187
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:49,775
Well, your expectations
have been subverted.
188
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,109
Ha, ha.
189
00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,409
What are you doing up?
190
00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:01,578
Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
191
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:02,913
Really?
192
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,457
Maybe sleep has met you before.
193
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:08,752
Mockery? That's all you have to offer?
194
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:11,338
- Sorry. Why can't you sleep?
- Who knows?
195
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:14,132
I haven't watched
any scary movies recently.
196
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,927
I'm no longer obsessing
over why the predicted mass...
197
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:20,806
...of the quantum vacuum has little
effect on the expansion of the universe.
198
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:24,434
And it's been weeks since I took
that accidental sip of Red Bull.
199
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,687
Something happen today
that's bothering you?
200
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:31,858
Well, I did mention the Mars Rover
incident to that FBI agent...
201
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,611
...and probably cost Howard
his security clearance.
202
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:37,614
- What?
- Yeah, but why should that keep me up?
203
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:39,783
Because you feel guilty?
204
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,035
Interesting.
205
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:46,289
So you're saying my insomnia
is caused by a guilty conscience?
206
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:49,334
Actually, you don't have insomnia.
You're sleeping now.
207
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:52,629
- Excuse me?
- You're having a guilt-ridden dream.
208
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,298
Do you have any evidence
to support that hypothesis?
209
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,801
How about that Gorn
sitting on the couch?
210
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:04,474
That seems fairly conclusive.
211
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:07,519
No, Gorn, no.
212
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,647
That's where I sit.
213
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:15,318
Thank you for agreeing to see me,
Agent Page.
214
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:19,197
Thank you for filing a complaint
with my superior, Dr. Cooper.
215
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,827
I understand you wanna recant
your statement about Howard Wolowitz?
216
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,830
- Yes.
- Was your statement untrue?
217
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,081
No.
218
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,334
Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it.
219
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:35,505
I'm sorry,
I don't recall you saying no backsies.
220
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,341
Is there anything else?
221
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:41,094
Yes, I'd like to offer
a laudatory statement...
222
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,890
...about Howard's many excellent
qualities I believe will tip the scales...
223
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,893
...back in his favor. Ahem.
"Howard Joel Wolowitz.
224
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:51,521
H is for 'honesty, '
of which he has much.
225
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:54,191
O is for 'outstanding, ' which he is such.
226
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,860
W is for 'witty.' He's quick with a joke.
227
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,029
A is for 'artistic, ' his ability..."
228
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:02,032
I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper,
this matter is already closed.
229
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:05,076
But I still have "ard Joel Wolowitz"
left to go.
230
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,204
It's closed.
231
00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:11,708
I don't understand why you people
are picking on my friend Howard...
232
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,377
...when there are much more serious
security threats to pursue.
233
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,546
For instance,
when I first met Leonard...
234
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:20,425
...he was on the verge of giving away
rocket secrets to a North Korean spy...
235
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:23,303
...and not one agent
ever investigated that.
236
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,223
This is Leonard Hofstadter?
237
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:30,560
No, it's a different Leonard.
He's Chinese, red hair, six fingers.
238
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:31,728
Goodbye.
239
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,151
Raj, have you seen Howard?
240
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,237
I think he's eating lunch.
241
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,906
Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet
Neil DeGrasse Tyson...
242
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,866
...from the Hayden Planetarium
in New York.
243
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,452
I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson.
244
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:51,248
He's responsible for the demotion
of Pluto from planetary status.
245
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,749
I liked Pluto...
246
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:58,088
- ...ergo, I do not like you.
- But I actually didn't demote Pluto.
247
00:13:58,255 --> 00:14:00,924
That was a vote of
the International Astronomical Union.
248
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:05,762
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts,
we'd all have a merry Christmas.
249
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:07,931
Think about that, Dr. Tyson.
250
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,102
That the guy you
were telling me about?
251
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:13,603
Oh, yeah.
252
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:20,944
Howard, the person at fault for you
not getting a security clearance is me.
253
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,489
- You?
- Yes, but before you get upset...
254
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,784
...I want you to know I went to the FBI
and retracted my statement.
255
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:30,370
And they were okay with that?
256
00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:32,372
No. If anything, I made it worse.
257
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:36,376
In any case,
I have been riddled with guilt...
258
00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:38,837
...which is causing
Gorn-infested REM sleep.
259
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:44,676
- So I'm here now to say I'm sorry.
- Are you kidding me?
260
00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:47,137
You've set my career back
at least two years...
261
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:50,181
...and you think you can make it right
with "I'm sorry"?
262
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:51,975
Yes.
263
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,643
I followed the social protocol.
264
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,313
I attempted to right the wrong
and when I failed...
265
00:14:56,479 --> 00:15:00,358
...I delivered a heartfelt apology.
Now, you say, "Apology accepted"...
266
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:03,820
...and I will offer you
a one-time-only high five.
267
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,324
Your apology is not accepted.
268
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:10,410
You're tricking me. It really is, isn't it?
269
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:12,996
Leave me alone, Sheldon.
270
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,000
Dr. Cooper,
I just wanted you to know...
271
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:20,420
...I'm sorry for the role I played
in the Pluto matter.
272
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,339
Oh, shut up.
273
00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,553
- Sheldon?
- Hello.
274
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,763
(PENNY CHUCKLES)
275
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,514
What are you doing here?
276
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:32,724
I have troubles, Penny.
277
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:33,933
(SIGHS)
278
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,395
I've come to pour them out to
the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.
279
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:41,399
You know, they have a really nice bar
over at the Olive Garden.
280
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:45,862
I don't like the Olive Garden.
They treat me like family.
281
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:51,076
- Okay, Sheldon, what can I get you?
- Alcohol.
282
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:55,705
- Could you be a little more specific?
- Ethyl alcohol.
283
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,207
Forty milliliters.
284
00:15:57,666 --> 00:15:59,709
I'm sorry, honey,
I don't know milliliters.
285
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:02,921
Ah. Blame President James Jimmy Carter.
286
00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:06,549
He started America on a path
to the metric system but then just gave up.
287
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,759
(SCOFFS)
288
00:16:07,926 --> 00:16:10,220
He wonders
why he was a one-term president.
289
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:13,682
- Would you say that's 40 milliliters?
- More or less.
290
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:14,891
Great.
291
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,186
Now, where were we?
292
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:21,147
I believe you were about to ask me
to choose a cocktail.
293
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,567
Fortunately,
thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics...
294
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,820
...there's an app for that.
295
00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:30,782
Let's see. "Harvey Wallbanger." Eh.
296
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,909
"Sex on the Beach." I hardly think so.
297
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,747
"Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter."
298
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:38,957
Ooh.
299
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:42,585
- I'll have a Rosewater Rickey.
- A what?
300
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,338
"You'll need pitted,
brandied cherries, gin...
301
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:48,591
...rosewater, Angostura bitters
and over-proofed rum.
302
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:51,094
Now, first,
dust the cherries with sugar...
303
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,972
...then spray them
with a mixture of rum and bitters.
304
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:58,017
- Then ignite the rum..."
- Here you go, one Rosewater Rickey.
305
00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,603
That's not how it looks in the picture.
306
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:03,106
Oh, yeah,
every bartender makes it differently.
307
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:06,776
- Why don't you give it a try?
- All right.
308
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,613
To the metric system.
309
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,460
I can't taste the cherries.
310
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,505
All right, Sheldon,
what's on your mind?
311
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:31,342
I wronged Howard
and he won't accept my apology.
312
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,635
Oh, right, that.
313
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,763
Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.
314
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,682
Penny,
you face failure on a daily basis.
315
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,979
- How do you cope?
- I drink.
316
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,566
To drinking.
317
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,154
Nope.
318
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:58,077
If only there were some way to
force Howard to accept my apology...
319
00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,914
...so I could escape
this miasma of guilt.
320
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:04,501
Sometimes stuff just happens
and there's nothing you can do about it.
321
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,837
For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked
to me since 11th grade.
322
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,839
No matter how much you apologize...
323
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,842
...you can't go back
and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.
324
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,178
I see.
325
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,264
You're saying I'm facing
Starfleet Academy's...
326
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:21,810
...unwinnable command scenario:
the Kobayashi Maru.
327
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,187
Exactly. Sometimes you can't win.
328
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,523
Captain Kirk won.
329
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,901
Kirk cheated.
330
00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:34,030
Impressive that you know that.
331
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:37,909
Hard to believe I'm actually having
this conversation with you.
332
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,119
Right there with you.
333
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:46,209
Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru
by reprogramming the simulator.
334
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,044
- That's it.
- What?
335
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,921
I'll reprogram Howard.
336
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:53,383
Wait...
Sheldon, you can't reprogram people.
337
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:56,219
No, you can't reprogram people.
338
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,557
To James Tiberius Kirk.
339
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,318
- Hello, all.
LEONARD: Hello.
340
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:16,656
Howard, you're feeling better
about me today, aren't you?
341
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:20,243
- Not really.
- Yes, you are.
342
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:24,914
I'm using neuro-linguistic programming
to modify your thought patterns.
343
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:28,751
Go away, Sheldon.
344
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,963
There's a 9.95 eBook
down the drain.
345
00:19:32,589 --> 00:19:34,465
- What's in the bag?
- It's for Howard.
346
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,468
No, Sheldon,
you can't fix this with gifts.
347
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,930
Nevertheless, I've hurt you
and whether you forgive me or not...
348
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,099
...I want you to have this.
349
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,270
You're giving me a couch cushion?
350
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,647
No. The cushion is merely symbolic.
351
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:52,525
I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
352
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,613
But you love that spot.
353
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:59,032
No, I love my mother.
354
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,994
My feelings for my spot
are much greater.
355
00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:09,000
It is the singular location in space around
which revolves my entire universe.
356
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,669
And now it's yours.
357
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:16,215
Oh, my God, dude,
now you have to forgive him.
358
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:20,470
All right. Uh, apology accepted.
359
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:22,639
High five.
360
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,641
Not too hard.
361
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,477
Thank you.
362
00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:30,939
I haven't cried like this
since Toy Story 3.
363
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:43,242
I gotta tell you, Sheldon,
I understand why you chose this spot.
364
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:46,245
I mean, the temperature's good,
but there's no draft.
365
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,915
I can see the television,
but I can still talk to...
366
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,125
I changed my mind.
Get out of my spot.
367
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:56,506
- How long?
- Ninety-four seconds.
29427
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