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1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:03,504
(GUNFIRE ON TV)
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:07,133
If they took all the money they spent
trying to make a decent Hulk movie...
3
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:09,844
...they could probably
just make an actual Hulk.
4
00:00:10,553 --> 00:00:12,179
That is apt and amusing.
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:16,267
I think I shall share that
with Amy Farrah Fowler.
6
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,979
- She'll appreciate the witticism.
- Thank you.
7
00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:23,357
It will also help improve
her initial impression of you.
8
00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:29,029
- So, what's going on with you two?
- Oh, the status is as it always was.
9
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:30,656
She's a girl, she's a friend.
10
00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:34,952
She's not my, please forgive me
for doing this, "girlfriend."
11
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:36,871
Right, right.
12
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,540
So you're still just texting
and e-mailing?
13
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:43,210
You don't feel any need to hang out with
her, you know, be in the same room?
14
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,297
Leonard, you are my best friend.
15
00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:48,132
I've known you for seven years...
16
00:00:48,299 --> 00:00:51,385
...and I can barely tolerate
sitting on the couch with you.
17
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:53,345
Uh, imagine my attitude...
18
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:56,932
...regarding prolonged physical proximity
to Amy Farrah Fowler.
19
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,351
Got it.
20
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:02,646
- Well, I sense judgment on your part.
- No, no.
21
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,399
Maybe a little.
22
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:09,695
May I suggest that your criticism
is based on jealousy?
23
00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:12,490
Heh, jealousy? What do I have
to be jealous of?
24
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:16,410
I have a functioning
and satisfying relationship with a female.
25
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,997
And you have none.
26
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,750
Oh, right. That. Hmm.
27
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:26,128
Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster,
not unlike the Hulk.
28
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:29,256
Who, by the way,
also has a girlfriend.
29
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,425
In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly.
30
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:35,221
Whom you may recall as the girlfriend
of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.
31
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:38,516
A feel-good romp
if there ever was one.
32
00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:40,893
I'm not jealous.
33
00:01:41,644 --> 00:01:42,686
(GRUNTS)
34
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,647
(IMITATES HULK)
Leonard not jealous.
35
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,758
You know, it just occurred to me.
36
00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:15,970
If there are an infinite number
of parallel universes...
37
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,806
...in one of them,
there's probably a Sheldon...
38
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:22,351
...who doesn't believe
parallel universes exist.
39
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,437
- Probably. What's your point?
- No point.
40
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,566
It's just one of the things
that makes one of the me's chuckle.
41
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:29,775
(CHUCKLES)
42
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:36,615
- What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
- Um, recently? Not much.
43
00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:38,701
Is it because of the conflict
that arises...
44
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:41,328
...from your desperate need
to pair bond with a woman...
45
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,164
...and the apparent collective decision
of all womankind...
46
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,292
...to deny you that opportunity?
47
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,461
LEONARD:
Um...
48
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,297
Shut up.
49
00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:55,342
SHELDON: You know, when my grandfather
died and Meemaw was alone...
50
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,679
...my Mom arranged for her
to visit a center three times a week...
51
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:02,224
...where she could socialize
with other lonely people.
52
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,517
It's very nice.
53
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:07,062
They discuss current events,
play bridge, get a hot meal.
54
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:11,317
LEONARD: That sounds lovely.
SHELDON: Um, it is if you like bridge.
55
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,111
Do you like bridge, Leonard?
56
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:16,989
LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm just
not dating someone right now.
57
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:20,117
I don't need to go
to a seniors' center.
58
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:24,830
Meemaw resisted at first,
but now she loves it.
59
00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:28,250
Fine. If I don't meet someone soon,
you can put me in a home.
60
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:32,338
It's not a home.
It's a senior center.
61
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:35,257
We'd never put Meemaw
in a home.
62
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,677
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
63
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:42,056
All right, I'll bow to social pressure.
Hey.
64
00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:44,391
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
65
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,435
Excuse me.
That's my girlfriend Bernadette.
66
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:49,813
I assigned her own ring tone.
"Bernadette" by The Four Tops.
67
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,066
Hello, Bernadette.
68
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,945
When I call him,
his phone plays "Brown Eyed Girl"...
69
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,115
...which now
that I think about it is not so good.
70
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,701
You realize
he's just rubbing our noses...
71
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,787
...in the fact that he has a girlfriend
and we don't.
72
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:06,413
You mean you don't.
73
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,375
You have a girlfriend?
How could you?
74
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:13,629
- You can't even speak to women.
- Uh, two words: Deaf chick.
75
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:18,092
It doesn't matter if I can't talk
because she can't hear me.
76
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,303
- What?
- That's what she said.
77
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:25,724
Great. You have a girlfriend,
Howard has a girlfriend...
78
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,017
- ...Sheldon's got a...
SHELDON: Ahem.
79
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,645
- Girl who's a friend.
- Thank you.
80
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:32,773
What about you, Stuart?
You have a girlfriend yet?
81
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,651
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I met her at Comic-Con.
82
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,821
The one place in the world where saying
"I own a comic book store"...
83
00:04:38,988 --> 00:04:40,447
...is an actual pick-up line.
84
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:44,368
- Oh. Well, good for you.
- Not really. She's horrible.
85
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,956
When she wants to have sex, she puts on
her plus-size Wonder Woman costume...
86
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:53,002
...and shouts, "Who wants to take a ride
in my invisible plane?"
87
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:58,215
- Why don't you just break up with her?
- Heh, no, I can't.
88
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:01,802
- Why not?
- Because then I'd be alone. Like you.
89
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:07,391
Dude, why don't you just invoke
your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz?
90
00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:11,854
Uh, because I don't need his girlfriend
to set me up with one of her girlfriends.
91
00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:15,315
I'm perfectly capable
of finding a girl on my own.
92
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:18,861
Oh, Leonard. You remind me
of the funny old story about a man...
93
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:21,530
...who walks into
a women's correctional institution...
94
00:05:21,697 --> 00:05:23,198
...with a stack of paperwork...
95
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,035
...that would allow
the female convicts to go free.
96
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:30,539
You're saying I couldn't get laid in a
women's prison with a handful of pardons.
97
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,333
Are you gonna
let me tell the story or not?
98
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:41,341
- Leonard? Are you sleeping?
- No.
99
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,260
- Are you ill?
- No.
100
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,972
Are you depressed because you're
alone and no one loves you?
101
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,558
I don't know. Maybe.
102
00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:53,145
I want you to know that I'm genuinely
concerned about your well-being.
103
00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:55,022
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
104
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:58,192
But it's still no reason
to have your feet in my spot.
105
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,363
AMY (OVER LAPTOP):
May I offer an observation?
106
00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:07,159
What the hell?
How long has she been there?
107
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,328
Since we got home
from the comic book store.
108
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:10,996
That was two hours ago.
109
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:13,665
As per your suggestion,
we're hanging out.
110
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,543
Quite frankly, I don't see
what all the hoopla is about.
111
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,795
Go on, Amy.
112
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:19,546
From a neurobiological standpoint...
113
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,257
...you may be alone
because your psychological state...
114
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:25,928
...is causing an actual pheromone-based
stink of desperation.
115
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,098
- Did you know that, Leonard?
- No.
116
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:30,891
I did.
117
00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,685
I understand that
some people find mates...
118
00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:36,188
...in social gathering places
such as bars or taverns.
119
00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:37,856
Have you tried a bar or tavern?
120
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,109
No, I'm not gonna
pick up a woman in a bar.
121
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,361
Wise decision. You see, Amy...
122
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:45,864
...success at a bar
is based on classic male attributes...
123
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,951
...such as:
height, strength, attractiveness...
124
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:53,122
...the ability to hold one's liquor
and throw darts, separately or together.
125
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:56,667
Leonard has none of these attributes,
right, Leonard?
126
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,337
Right.
127
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,966
That's not true of all bars.
Juice bars for example.
128
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:06,093
Oh, good point, Amy.
129
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,886
Yeah. Building on your premise...
130
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,181
...Leonard could frequent sushi bars,
salad bars...
131
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:13,600
...oyster bars,
the Apple Genius Bar.
132
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,186
- What are you doing?
- Keep going, I'm listening.
133
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:19,481
That was rude.
134
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,275
He does it all the time.
135
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:25,112
He's a cornucopia
of social awkwardness.
136
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,781
Cornucopia, what a mellifluous word.
137
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,659
- Let's make that our word of the day.
- Agreed.
138
00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:32,703
And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow.
139
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:35,956
Well, I have to void my bladder.
140
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,041
It was nice
spending this time with you.
141
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:41,628
AMY: Wait. I have a request.
- Yes?
142
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:46,049
- I'd like you to meet my mother.
- I see. Can I get back to you on that?
143
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,636
- Certainly. Good night.
- Good night.
144
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:59,313
SHELDON:
Leonard. Leonard...
145
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:03,775
Leonard. Leonard...
146
00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:06,528
- Leonard. Leonard.
- Yeah. What?
147
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,406
Amy Farrah Fowler
has asked me to meet her mother.
148
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:13,285
- Yeah? So?
- What does that mean?
149
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,496
You know how you're always saying
that Amy is a girl...
150
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,541
- ...who is a friend and not your girlfriend?
- Uh-huh.
151
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,418
You can't say that anymore.
152
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,505
SHELDON:
What?
153
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,508
LEONARD: She obviously wants to
take your relationship to the next level.
154
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:32,679
SHELDON: Ugh, I don't want the next level.
I like this level.
155
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,349
Fix it for me.
156
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,935
Me? How am I supposed to fix it?
157
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:41,355
Simple. You want a girlfriend.
Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend.
158
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,441
Take her off my hands.
I give you my blessing.
159
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,568
That is insane.
160
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,613
You're right. It would never work.
Amy finds you tedious.
161
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,199
- Okay, good luck.
- W... Wait.
162
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,659
What am I supposed to do?
163
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:56,453
Have you considered telling her
how you feel?
164
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,706
Leonard, I'm a physicist,
not a hippie.
165
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:05,671
All right, well, let me see if I can
explain your situation using physics.
166
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,840
What would you be
if you were attached to another object...
167
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:13,053
...by an inclined plane
wrapped helically around an axis?
168
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,639
Screwed.
169
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,851
There you go.
170
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:26,024
Amy's right, he is tedious.
171
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:34,074
MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard, get the door!
172
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:36,910
HOWARD:
Why can't you get it?
173
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:42,374
MRS. WOLOWITZ: You know I'm doing
a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy.
174
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:48,005
I'm like an upside-down volcano here.
175
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,676
Oh, hey, heh, I hope you didn't hear that.
176
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,720
The volcano thing? No.
177
00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:58,682
What's with the T-shirt?
You're working at the Apple store now?
178
00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:00,934
Well, uh, no, it's just something
I threw on.
179
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,937
I know all your shirts,
that's not one of...
180
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,733
You were pretending to work at the Genius
Bar to pick up women, weren't you?
181
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,736
Yeah.
182
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,574
Turns out they guard the iPods,
but they don't guard the shirts.
183
00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:18,702
- So how'd it go?
- It was going well.
184
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:21,705
I was showing this super hot girl
how to boot up in safe mode...
185
00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:23,832
...the manager got suspicious and...
186
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:28,754
Well, long story short,
they really do have a little jail in the mall.
187
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:32,341
Just FYI, don't try to go back
with a fake mustache.
188
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:36,636
I mean, they may not really be geniuses,
but they see right through that.
189
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,765
I wanna invoke the girlfriend pact,
Howard.
190
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:40,974
You that desperate?
191
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,352
No, uh, I just...
You know, I want what you have.
192
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,187
You know,
I want a woman in my life.
193
00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:50,233
MRS. WOLOWITZ: Holy Moses,
how much liquid can be in one tuchus?
194
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:56,531
To be clear, I meant Bernadette,
not your mother.
195
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,784
No, I know what you meant.
196
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,623
Well, I'm off to meet
Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
197
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,250
As if one of the plants...
198
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:10,670
...from Invasion of the Body Snatchers
duplicated you in every way...
199
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,215
...only with an absurd amount
of hair gel.
200
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,842
What are you working on?
201
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,970
I'm removing my digital footprint
from the Internet...
202
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:22,599
...so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me
and compel me to meet her mother.
203
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:25,852
- Oh. You're going off the grid.
- Exactly.
204
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,939
The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.
205
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:33,860
Thank you. I've also sent
Amy a relationship termination notice...
206
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,781
...and changed my cell phone
number and e-mail address.
207
00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:39,533
What if she just comes over?
208
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,203
She'll get lost.
We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles.
209
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:47,457
We now live at 311 Los Robles.
210
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:54,089
You changed the address
on the building? What about mail?
211
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:57,175
No worries, I explained
my predicament to our letter carrier.
212
00:11:57,342 --> 00:12:00,720
He was sympathetic. His exact words
were, "Got your back, Jack.
213
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:03,140
Bitches be crazy."
214
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:05,976
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
215
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,107
LEONARD: Who is it?
AMY: Amy Farrah Fowler.
216
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:19,114
- Darn! She found me.
- She's been here before.
217
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,577
The only flaw
in an otherwise perfect plan.
218
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,998
- Now get my back, Jack.
- What do you wanna do?
219
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,791
- Tell her I'm not here.
- Where are you?
220
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,127
I don't know.
You'll have to devise a scenario...
221
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,045
...that plausibly explains my absence...
222
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:38,508
...keeping in mind that the key
to a good lie lies in the details.
223
00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:40,260
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
224
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,275
- Hi, Amy. Sheldon's not here.
- All right.
225
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,449
Way to go on the details.
226
00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:08,997
- Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
- Oh, I take pacts very seriously.
227
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,248
One time at my lab...
228
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:13,502
...a Petri dish of genetically modified
super-virus went missing.
229
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,295
That day, we made a pinky swear...
230
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:19,007
...never to admit that we crossed
Ebola with the common cold.
231
00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:23,845
Heh. Why the hell would you cross
Ebola with the common cold?
232
00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:29,142
We never did.
That would be a terrible, terrible thing.
233
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,521
Hi, sorry I'm late.
I was at the gym.
234
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:36,775
Spin class,
worked up quite a sweat.
235
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,738
Joy, this is Leonard.
Leonard, this is Joy.
236
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,074
- Hi.
- Hi. You don't look like a genius.
237
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:45,283
- Say something smart.
- Um...
238
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,493
Ehh, time's up.
239
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,578
(LAUGHS)
240
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,623
Just kidding. First thing
you need to know about me...
241
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,041
...I'm hilarious.
242
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,001
(LAUGHS)
243
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,753
Yeah.
244
00:13:57,546 --> 00:14:00,549
So Bernadette tells me she knows you
from, uh, self-defense classes.
245
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,718
Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga.
Lots of fun.
246
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:07,556
Basically, a hundred different ways
to rip a guy's nuts off.
247
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,559
Wouldn't think there'd be that many.
248
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:13,103
- Number 42.
- Whoa!
249
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:14,813
Isn't she a pip?
250
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,240
SHELDON:
Proxima Centauri's the nearest star.
251
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:28,493
The celestial bodies that follow are:
252
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,912
Alpha Centauri A, Toli...
253
00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:35,709
...Barnard's Star, Wolf 359...
254
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:44,217
...Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B...
255
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:49,556
...BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154...
256
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,850
...Ross 248...
257
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:58,857
...Epsilon Eridani,
Lac 9352, Ross-128...
258
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,775
...Procyon A.
259
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,612
Oh, darn, that's wrong!
260
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,030
(SIGHS)
261
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:12,787
EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B...
262
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:15,248
...EZ Aquarii C...
263
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:18,752
...Procyon A.
264
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,338
Those are the stars
that are nearest to me.
265
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,965
Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee.
266
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,847
Oh, dear.
267
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,975
They really do be crazy.
268
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,105
(BELCHES)
269
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:44,027
This lobster's good on the way down
and the way up.
270
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,906
Should be. It's $30 a pound.
271
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:52,077
Hey. This is a date, right?
272
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,080
- Yep, it is.
- Seventy-three!
273
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,289
Oh!
274
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,540
(JOY LAUGHS)
275
00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:01,044
Ahem, excuse me, I have to go
to the little girls' room...
276
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,504
...and take a wicked whiz.
277
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,964
I'll go with you.
278
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,050
Fair warning, I had the asparagus.
279
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,511
My pee is gonna stink up the place.
280
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,014
I think she likes you.
281
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:22,357
SHELDON (IN LOW VOICE):
EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C...
282
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,527
...Procyon A.
283
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,492
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Excuse me, madam.
284
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:35,954
Sheldon?
285
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,664
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Rats!
286
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,917
I believe a misunderstanding
may have occurred...
287
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,086
...when I asked you
to meet my mother.
288
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:44,379
No misunderstanding.
289
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:47,090
I've learned what
that request actually means...
290
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,759
...and I don't want
to be joined to another object...
291
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:53,555
...by an inclined plane
wrapped helically around an axis.
292
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,557
In what way are you screwed?
293
00:16:57,392 --> 00:17:00,311
All I wanna do is present you
as my boyfriend to my mother...
294
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:03,314
...so she'll be satisfied
that I'm in a relationship.
295
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,901
- So we'd be perpetrating a ruse?
- Precisely.
296
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:10,488
And you haven't fallen
hopelessly in love with me?
297
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:12,115
Don't be absurd.
298
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,995
I find the notion of romantic love to be
an unnecessary cultural construct...
299
00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,205
...that adds no value
to human relationships.
300
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:25,086
Amy, that's the most pragmatic thing
anyone has ever said to me.
301
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:27,797
I trust this clarification
allows us to return...
302
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,717
...to boy-slash-friend-
slash-girl-slash-friend status.
303
00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:32,343
Of course.
304
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,721
Would you like to join me
for Chinese food?
305
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,098
Sheldon, please,
you're suffocating me.
306
00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:41,019
My apologies.
307
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,563
- Good night, Amy.
AMY: Good night, Sheldon.
308
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:48,234
Come on, just give her a chance.
Maybe she'll grow on you.
309
00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:52,113
Or maybe she'll finally succeed
in ripping my nuts off.
310
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,451
There's still 93 ways
she hasn't tried yet.
311
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,078
Uh, Howard, I appreciate the effort...
312
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,664
...but this is, like,
the worst date of my life.
313
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,333
Heh, seriously?
314
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,544
I was once robbed by a pre-op
transsexual I met on JDate...
315
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:10,006
...and that didn't
even crack my top 10.
316
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:13,551
Well, I guess the difference is
I have some self-respect.
317
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,012
Not that I've ever seen.
318
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:17,639
It's relatively new.
319
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,684
I just know I'm not gonna
spend time with someone I don't like...
320
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,269
...simply to have a girlfriend.
321
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,896
I'm okay on my own.
322
00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:28,566
Good news,
I made lots of room for dessert.
323
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:33,238
- Uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but, uh...
- Yeah, you too.
324
00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:36,908
You got anything for next weekend?
I need a date for my cousin's wedding.
325
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,202
- You're asking me out?
JOY: Yeah.
326
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:43,456
And it's an open bar,
so I'll probably be giving it away.
327
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,044
I'll look forward to it.
328
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,803
MRS. FOWLER (OVER LAPTOP):
It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon.
329
00:18:56,970 --> 00:19:01,266
I honestly didn't believe Amy
when she told me she had a boyfriend.
330
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,143
I assure you I am quite real...
331
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,981
...and I'm having regular intercourse
with your daughter.
332
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,818
- What?
- Oh, yes.
333
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,863
We are like wild animals in heat.
334
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:18,116
It's a wonder
neither of us has been hurt.
335
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,161
Amy, what is he saying?
336
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:26,291
You wanted me to have a boyfriend,
mother. Well, here he is.
337
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,461
Have to sign off now.
338
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,839
My hunger for Sheldon
is stirring in my loins.
339
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:38,094
Oh, yes. It's time for me to make love
to your daughter's vagina.
340
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,304
MRS. FOWLER:
Oh!
341
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,145
- Thank you. That went very well.
- Agreed.
342
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:49,063
Amy, I find myself wondering...
343
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:54,027
...if we should actually engage in coitus
at least one time in our relationship.
344
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,113
Buzzinga.
345
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,491
Bedtime,
please show yourself out.
28083
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