Original subtitles

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Pick up for Keefer.

He didn't leave anything.

Maybe I'm supposed to go up and get it.

Some of these guys get a little weird on deposit days.

Your name?

Eddie Vitelli from the sperm bank.

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Keefer, do you have something

for an Eddie Vitelli?

Huh? Who?

Uh, what are you here to pick up?

Mr. Keefer, you got a load of sperm for me?

I'm double-parked.

Huh?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Remember?

From doctor's express.

You were supposed to abstain for 3 weeks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. 7:30.

Gee, I'm sorry. I was, uh, sleeping.

Look, if it's not in the cup and ready to roll,

you gonna have to bring it in yourself.

No, no, that's impossible.

Why do you think I'm sending it by messenger?

Well, let me take a wild guess.

Is it because you got a low sperm count,

you can't get your wife pregnant the regular way?

I'm, uh, I-I'll, look, I'll be right down, ok?

No dice. If it's not in the cup and ready to roll-

no, i-it's in the cup.

Yeah, it's-it's, uh, it's ready to roll.

Good. Then I'll come up and get it.

Uh, o-ok, yeah. Come on up.

Sterilized cups.

Hey, Janet. Janet.

Honey? Hon? No.

Honey, where are the sterilized cups?

Leave me alone, Joel.

I thought we made up.

Then why'd you sleep in there?

I fell asleep working. Today's my presentation.

Bullshit, Joel.

You slept in there so we wouldn't have to touch.

Well, we would have been in big trouble

if we had touched last night.

You could have done somethin' for me.

And risk everything?

On the very last night we have to abstain?

I'm just glad it's over.

I couldn't take much more of this.

Well, now comes the easy part.

Yeah, easy for you.

You don't have to go through the pregnancy,

the birth, the breast-feeding at the office.

Honey, where are the...

Breast-feeding at the office?

I don't want you breast-feeding anyone at the office.

Not anyone.

I'd put restrictions on who was entitled.

Or do you think I was gonna hire a goat?

No, I thought you were gonna work at home.

My publisher didn't go for it.

But she said it was ok for me to breast-feed at the office.

Well, that defeats the whole purpose.

The baby's supposed to bring US closer together.

If you think I'm gonna retire to have this baby...

I never said retire.

This is the worst possible time to discuss this.

I need to know where the sterilized cups are.

Are you gonna do this now?

Yes, but I need to know where the sterilized cups are.

Let me think.

In the little bathroom.

Can I do anything for you?

I hate to give you the bum's rush, but I can't keep

the messenger waiting. What messenger?

You're sending by messenger?

I got no choice. Today is a killer day.

He's gonna be here waiting while...

Just stall him one minute.

Stall him? How?

I don't know. One minute! Maybe less.

Oh. Is the man of the house around?

He's, um, he's in the bathroom.

I knew it. I always get the guys with the problems.

Oh, believe me, my husband does not have a problem.

So, what am I, waiting? Tell him I'm double-parked.

I really don't think that's gonna help, do you?

I'm not here to help. I'm here to bring.

Come on in.

Thank you.

H-H-He'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I heard that one before.

And you know what happens? Niente.

Some of these guys need instructions, for cryin' out loud.

You want instructions? I tell 'em,

you take-a-your pants and your shorts

and you Jack-it off.

And you know what happens? Niente.

Yeah, well, 5 dollars says my husband is not niente.

You serious?

What's the matter?

You afraid to put your money where your mouth is?

Well, well, wait a second.

How do I know you two don't do this all the time?

Sure, sure. Then he comes out of the head with his works in a cup.

And I'm out five bucks.

I promise you we've never done it before.

Ok. But the clock started

when you first said it, which puts US 20 seconds in.

And counting, 21, 22, 23, 24...

What is it?

Honey, the man is double-parked.

Hey, hey, what's up? She helpin'?

No fair. I can't do this now.

Niente!

He's a fruitcake or what?

Why can't you?

Because it's about as sexy as the preakness.

You said keep him busy. What was I to do?

Today is a horrendous day for me. I thought this was easy.

But I'm gonna have to come by the doctor's office on my lunch break.

Just like I was tellin' your doorman.

With some guys, it's like pullin' teeth.

With other guys...

You know what I mean?

Huh, yeah. Here you go.

Maybe you two can go for double or nothing at lunch.

There's a lot of tension in here.

Want my advice? You two go someplace peaceful.

Do it on the natch.

I'm late.

Later.

Give it to Ted. Thank you.

Ye-yes, ma'am. Yes. I'm recommending that you sell.

Mrs. Habberman, no, I don't think so.

It's haberman. Haberman. Haberman. I'm sorry.

I want to keep this. Sorry.

I don't understand why I should sell? No.

It doesn't make sense to me.

Because their assets are vulnerable right now.

Vulnerable? Just how vulnerable?

They're, uh...

Hello? ...Very vulnerable.

What am I, small potatoes?

No, ma'am, no.

Believe me, it's not because you only have 5 shares.

No, you're just as important as any of my...

Well, I hope so,

because, I don't want to be treated this way. Now, listen. Oh, my god.

I want to keep...

Mrs. Habberman, I'm gonna have to call you back.

It's haberman!

No, no, I won't sell anything without talking to you.

Marge, Marge,

all I want to know is whether I'm invited.

If I'm not, I'm sure there's a reason.

I'd like to know the reason.

Is that so much to ask? Thank you.

Suddenly, no one knows whether this year's company weekend is on.

Frankly, I'd just as soon not go,

but if you're not invited,

it says something about your stature around here.

Harry, Harry, chipwits is down another point.

So, you want to be an analyst?

Well, should i- should I cancel my presentation?

Big mistake. You don't cancel your first at bat.

Yeah, but I can't recommend a loser.

This isn't about chipwits, this is about you

and what kind of impression you make on roalvang.

Some impression.

Chipwits has dropped 2-and-a-half points in 2 days!

You're not hearing me, friend.

Roalvang doesn't focus on numbers.

He's focused on images. How you handle yourself,

how you dress, how you comb your hair.

Speaking of which, this is all wrong.

Roalvang likes it combed flat. Flat.

Not all over the place! Take it.

Uh, I got- I got one, uh, at my desk.

Use it.

Appearance is everything to roalvang.

But it's not going to help me if I don't recommend the right stock.

Oh, no?

Meet Tony dugdale.

Oh, yeah, I know him. They call him Tony terrific.

Hmm. Terrific.

He knows how to analyze stock

like Dr. Ruth can slam dunk.

He must have done somethin' right to get out of the bullpen.

Style.

He was the first to wear a colorful pocket handkerchief.

And look at the hair. Flat.

Flat.

You look skeptical.

Let me tell you something about roalvang.

But first, let's go where we can talk.

When roalvang's father ran the operation,

there were still people here.

Competence was the standard then.

Now, it's more important to find people without flaws.

I don't know where he finds them all.

I suppose he does a lot of recruiting in here.

Take my advice, kiddo.

Rising up this organization

is easier than you ever dreamed possible.

But you have to be on roalvang's wave length.

How do I get on his wave length?

Don't pack your presentation with facts and figures.

That's all I have. I mean, I s-stayed up nights.

What else do you analyze stock with?

Facts and figures confuse him.

You're telling me that the c.E.O. Of a major brokerage house

is confused by information?

Hard to believe, isn't it?

With all due respect, Harry, I don't think

anybody could be that simple-minded and run a huge...

So, uh, so what do I do?

I mean, all I have is facts and figures.

Turn 'em into charts and graphs.

Ok. And one more thing.

I want you to wear this pin on your lapel.

Oh, no, Harry. I'll keep the hair flat.

You only get one chance at a first impression.

If he's gonna take you,

let him tag you with something positive.

You'll see it for yourself.

He gets that certain gleam in his eye

when an image registers.

Thanks, Harry.

Don't thank me.

Why is everybody always thanking me? It isn't necessary.

I wouldn't wear that star if they gave me the place.

I don't want it done in 5 minutes. I want it done now. Is that clear?

Well, r.H. This is a stroke of luck.

Joel keefer, I'd like you to meet Mr. Roalvang.

How do you do, sir.

Fine, fine.

Keefer is bullish on chipwits.

He's going to address the board today for the first time.

Wonderful. Looking forward to it.

Some of US old fogies think

we have a rising young star in Joel keefer.

Rising young star, is he?

Well, if that's true, you might want to give up smoking.

It's a filthy habit.

Well, this morning, we'll be talking

about the state of the market in general.

The, uh, price of the current rates are really...

Yes, the dollar is dropping,

and yes, it's supposed to make American-made goods

more attractive to the American consumer,

but, frankly, I don't see it.

Certainly not in the area of household appliances,

an area where I enjoy a certain modicum of expertise.

Thank you very much.

Now the Americans are buying foreign.

They're still, for some reason,

equating imported with better.

Uh, where do you stand on chipwits?

Chipwits? Chipwits appliances?

I just heard that chipwits looked good for the 3rd quarter.

Well, um, I can't agree.

As I said, the consumers are buying foreign,

and chipwits is American. Isn't it?

Uh, Marge, uh, who was it... Uh, someone was touting chipwits?

I don't believe I heard that, sir.

Yes? Is that a pencil?

Yes, it is. I recommended the, uh...

Chipwits.

Oh, yes, of course. The smoker.

Why don't you stand up and tell US who you are?

I'm, uh, Joel keefer.

And you're bullish on chipwits, are you?

Yes, I am. Ju...

Speak up, smokey. No one's going to bite you.

What's your posture?

Bullish, Mr. Witshits.

Sir.

Uh, well, then, how do you explain your optimism

in the face of what Mr. Dugdale has just said?

Uh, well, I... We disagree.

Oh, what an asshole.

Excellent. Why don't you both slug it out for US?

Thank you, sir.

Oh, boy. The first one to holler ole gets the ears.

Joe. It is Joe, isn't it?

Joel.

Joel.

You come from the bullpen, do you not?

Yes.

That was tough to figure out.

Joel, selling stocks to the public is one thing.

Analyzing requires extensive research.

I suppose you did extensive research on chipwits.

Yes.

Yeah, and it probably looks real good on paper, doesn't it?

Yeah, isn't that fun? Yeah, it is.

Joel.

Chipwits is just one tiny company

in a vast economic scheme.

I wonder if you can tell US

what was last month's trade deficit.

Uh, 12.7 billion.

Exactly. But...

But I wonder if you can tell US

what the trade deficit was for the entire year?

Uh-huh.

Yes, I can. Can you?

Well, certainly.

And it's enough to choke the proverbial horse.

But let's get back to the point at hand, Joel.

How can you be so all-fired sure

that your little chipwits can buck the trend?

I'm glad you asked.

You had him right then, the minute you pulled your charts out.

Harry, I can't thank you enough.

Oh, you're starting that again.

Mr. Roalvang would like to have lunch with you.

Oh, that would be... I'd love to. Anytime.

Right now. This instant. In his office.

No, not today. Today is impossible, I'm sorry.

He'll be right up.

Are you crazy?

Lunch with roalvang could change your whole life.

I have something important to do today.

Whatever it is can wait until tomorrow.

Hamburgers are on the grill, sir.

Hamburgers? I like hamburgers.

And I have some messages for you.

Carol Chapman, b.B. Robbins, Jack o'meara from the s.E.C.,

Curtis ling, and you got a call from the gonzaga brothers.

They've located that waiter who was staring at your wife.

Good. I've been lucky with them. They do nice work

and Mr. Dugdale is waiting in your office.

Where is smokey? Tardy, I'm afraid.

Go find him. He hangs out in that 3rd floor smokers' pit.

Yes, sir.

If he's there, tell him to forget lunch.

I'm Joel keefer. Mr. Roalvang is waiting.

How do I look? Got a comb?

I'm Joel keefer.

Glad you managed to get here.

Uh, sorry if I'm late.

I see you've, uh, freshened up.

Close the door.

I believe you two know each other.

Well, uh, not officially. I'm Tony dugdale, analyst.

Hi.

Yes, well, uh, let's get right to the point, uh...

Stutterman's dead.

A fact which, uh,

leaves me, uh, sad

and holding the bag as it were,

in terms of a resorts and leisure analyst.

Uh, sir, if you'll forgive me,

i-i think, for a resorts and leisure analyst,

someone who has the gift of a 2nd language

would certainly have a feather in his cap. N'est ce pas?

Oh.

I didn't know that you spoke French.

Yes.

Very good. Yes.

Extraordinary.

Oh, thank you.

M-My wife uh, and her family

also, French.

Yes! In part. Half.

Yes.yes. Half. Yes.

Uh, now I could either, uh,

look for someone, um-um, outside the company

or I can develop someone from within.

Well, within, of course. In fact it's funny, you know,

I said to my wife this morning, suzi,

as we were having breakfast, I said,

I have a funny feeling. Today is going to be mon lucky jour?

I take it, uh, you would both be interested in,

uh, competing for the position.

Yes, sir.

Competing?

Sir, excuse me, with all due respect

to the youngster over here,

I am already an analyst and he is still in the bullpen.

Ahem, as of today, he's out of the bullpen.

Whoa.

Uh, what?

Whoa.

Whoa?

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

The fact is you both have, uh,

uh, qualities, uh, which are suited to fit the position.

Uh, you have a certain...

Something that could easily mix, uh,

in the hospitality and, uh, leisure community.

The napkins are supposed to be in the caboose! God damn it!

I mean, that's a big plus.

Mmm-hmm.

But I also need someone who knows how to collect information,

and uh, decipher trends, uh, quickly.

I must say I was very impressed indeed

with your, uh, grasp of-of information.

Thank you.

But I...

Uh,

quite frankly, I don't know whether

you'd fit in...

Panache-wise.

Yes?

Sir, one of the gonzaga brothers has a question.

Give me a second.

Now, I, uh, think I'd want to get to, uh, know you both.

So, why don't the two of you come down for the, uh, company weekend?

The company weekend.

Sir, I have been waiting for this for a long, long time.

That's a place where we go, some of US, uh, every year,

to evaluate the, uh, company's important business matters

in a relaxed environment away from the hustle and bustle of the office.

Can we, uh, bring our wives?

Certainly.

Well, that's what it's all about. We're family.

Family.

We'll leave tonight at 8:00.

8:00? Barely gives me time to Polish my gloves.

You can do that on the train. Track 17. Union station.

Thank you for lunch, sir.

Janet?

Hon?

Honey!

Janet, are you here?

Jan.

*

Hi, this is Joel.

Janet and I are out right now,

but if you'd like to leave a message,

uh, just wait for the beep. Here it comes.

I was hoping you were home.

My office said you'd been trying to call.

Honey, I'm at Carlos's studio and I'll be working pretty late tonight.

I hope everything went well with your meeting.

And, of course, with your little lunch break.

I can't wait to get home. Janet, don't hang up!

I love you.

Janet!

Damn it.

Carlos. Carols.

This is Carlos. Fuck you, man.

Yeah, uh, uh, uh, yeah, this is Joel keefer, Janet's husband.

Janet?

Janet, I know you're there. You just called me.

Pick up, please!

Look, it's very important you get to union station by 8:00...

You wait here I'll be right back.

The meter's running, pal.

Aw, geez, interrupting my work.

So?

Are-are you Carlos?

No. Are you?

Uh, i'm, uh, I'm looking for my wife.

I'm-I'm Joel keefer.

Hey, how'd you get my address, man?

Oh, you Carlos?

No, are you?

Uh, i'm, uh, I'm Joel keefer.

I'm looking for my wife. Janet keefer.

Hey. Nice ass, man.

I heard you two like to do it during the David letterman show.

Down, down, down, tightass! Down, down!

Hey, where you going?

Is she here?

She's in there, but you can't go in.

In there? You can't go in there, man.

It's a darkroom. Janet? Honey?

Don't let any light-

What are you doing here?

I've been trying to find you all day.

Don't you tell your office where you are?

We were all over town.

Here it comes. No serious damage. You are lucky man.

Honey, I got some good... Carlos, it's wonderful.

Carlos is doing a book for US called the face of anger.

Ah! His technique is

to get people angry and photograph their reactions.

This is the Russian ambassador.

He was in town for a public relations seminar.

Carlos, I still don't see how it's possible to get a total stranger this angry.

You gotta use psychology.

I told him gorbachev likes Nicaraguan pussy.

You haven't told me what you're doing here.

Huh? Oh! Oh! I got some good news. Come here.

I was promoted today. I'm now officialy an analyst.

Oh, honey.

Oh.

That's the job you wanted, isn't it?

Of course it's the job I wanted.

Well, good. So that's good.

Good? It's great.

I-i-i-i might even get the, uh, the stutterman portfolio.

Oh, boy!

And that's not all.

We've been invited to the company weekend in palm Springs.

When?

Well, n-n-now. Actually, I got a cab outside waiting to take US to the station.

That's a joke, right?

I-i mean, you-you can't expect me to take off for the weekend now.

Hey, no way, man. We got a deadline.

Hey, do you mind? This is between me and my wife.

Do I mind?

I know it's short notice,

but I took care of everything.

I even packed you a little suitcase.

You what?

Jesus, this clown's got bowling balls.

Hey, watch it, you.

Keep smiling and he won't bother you.

Smiling? You are so ugly, man.

You're falling into his trap. He'll say anything for an angry face.

By the way, how's your mother?

Don't answer. Carlos, watch your mouth, ok?

I was only asking about his mother.

This trip could be very important to me.

There's no way I can go, Joel. I just have too much work.

Do you know how many people at my level

get to go on the company weekend?

Then go.

I'm happy for you. What do you need me for?

Because Mr. Roalvang makes judgments on appearances.

What am I going to tell him when you're not there?

I am not an ornament, Joel.

If you need an ornament, take a Teddy bear.

Take raisa-fucking-gorbachev, man.

Carlos, that's enough!

We're not out on the street now.

This is my husband!

Never mind, Carlos. He's a workaholic.

This is your career? This is what you do on the street?

You walk around with some slimeball photographer

and insult strangers in the name of art?

Now who's being insulting?

How'd you like me to barge into your office

and call your colleagues slimeballs? Colleague? A slimeball?

Hey, wait a minute, man. I could take that as an insult.

You're my editor.

Are you going to let this pendejo defame me, man?

He's not a slimeball.

He's an artist.

A great artist.

Look, if we could just talk alone for a second

away from your, uh, colleague.

Oh, no, man, it's cool. You can talk in front of me.

Your old lady and me, we tell each other everything.

In your dreams, Carlos.

Oh, yeah? Don't I know what you think of your publisher?

No.

And why you can't have no baby?

You're a pig, Carlos.

Yeah? And what else?

Tell my husband you're lying through your slimeball teeth!

Oh, that's right, man, I forgot. I'm lying.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Lick-lick your lips. Mmm.

Yeah, baby. Don't your lips look nice?

Hey, careful, man. It's a nikon.

No! Oh, shit, man.

Now it's a nikon with yogurt on it.

Honey, that was great. That was great.

You really showed him.

Hey, it's getting late. We better get going.

Where?

We're taking the train. The train leaves in an hour.

I still have work to do.

Then do it.

I will.

Yeah, and good luck with your career.

The northwest flier, train number 14,

service from Minneapolis to des moines,

Cheyenne, and salt lake city

now arriving at track 7.

This is Carlos. Fuck you, man.

Charming, Carlos. Charming.

Janet, are you there?

Are you in the darkroom there with your, uh, your colleague?

Look, please pick up.

Honey, look, I'm really sorry about before.

I mean it. I am really sorry,

but we can't lose sight of-of-of why we're going through all this.

The baby.

Janet, please.

Look, we're together for some pretty basic reasons.

Uh...

Uh, hello? J-J-Janet? Joel keefer.

Look, I'll be getting off in a minute.

I mean, off the, uh, the phone.

I'm not waiting for the phone.

Yeah, uh-uh... I'm sorry. Honey, what were you sayin'?

Yeah, but there are 2 trains to palm Springs.

There's the information booth. Why don't you ask?

I'll be right back.

I'll meet you here. Don't move.

Excuse me, sir. You're gonna have to get that dog outta here.

I'm gonna have to get this dog outta here?

Yeah. Who do you think you are? A cop, huh?

It's a misdemeanor.

Goes with a fine and maybe a couple of days in jail.

A mister who?

Hey, is that badge real, man?

Where did you get that badge?

It's real, buddy. Maybe your mother gave it to you

for cleaning your plate.

I'd like to meet your mother.

What did you say about my mother?

Hey, tightass, ven aqui.

Uh, wrong car, my man.

We are in the private cars.

Darling, I'm sorry. This is, um,

this is the, uh...

Oh, Tony's told me so much about you.

Right.

Joel keefer.

Right, Joel keefer.

So, Joel, where are your clubs?

Uh, i-i don't play.

Hey, put away that nightstick.

That is your nightstick, isn't it?

Stop that man. Stop that man!

Hurry up, tightass. If he catches you he's going to...

Come back here! Hey!

What's going on?

Tightass, go on the train. I'll meet you later.

Halt! Halt!

Come back here!

Hey, copper, haven't you ever heard of the fit for life diet?

Whoa. Whoa.

Oh, my god.

Oh, this is...

I'll-I'll fix that later.

Mr. Keefer? This way, please.

But did we buy or sell?

Is that good? Good.

Ah.

Nobody told me this was black tie.

You'll pardon my saying, sir.

There's still a half hour before dinner.

Can't wait.

Could I have a soda, please?

I see a few new faces.

Uh, Louise and I, uh, just wanted to welcome you.

Out of the way, man. Out of the way!

Holy maricone!

We find that doing business

in a casual and relaxed environment

surrounded by our colleagues as well as our loved ones

gives US a perspective that is just, uh,

absolutely invaluable. Keefer!

Keefer!

Hey, hey, shh. I know you'll find it both productive and enjoyable.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Uh, yes, enjoyable.

Louise and I...

Huh?

...certainly do.

And, uh, we'll be planning to spend some time

with each and every one of you personally and individually.

Thank you, sir.

Now, ahem,

if I may be so bold. Suzy.

My wife Suzy and I are two of the new faces

that you so eloquently described a moment ago.

And I think we would be very remiss in our duties

if we didn't raise the first glass of bubbly,

which I believe is a '60? '61?

Am I right?

We could talk about that, couldn't we?

I think we should raise it to the roalvangs, our hosts.

Don't you agree?

Tightass?

Did you see a dog running around with a red bandana?

Who are you? Don't you know these are private cars?

Put your skirt down.

Keep your shorts on, professor.

I'm just looking for my... Oh, keefer. My god!

Oh, thank god I am alive.

I was just with your old lady.

And there were two trains to palm Springs.

And she got on the other one, man.

Hey, nice do.

What are you doing here?

I don't want you here.

Is that gratitude, man?

I risk my life for you, man.

I am the one who told your wife to come here.

Without me you would be up shit's creek.

As opposed to here.

Smokey, do you know this fellow?

Oh, not intimately, no.

Oh, bullshit, on date nut bread, man.

I bent over backwards for you, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Listen, I am sorry about what happened before, ok?

There was a lot of hositility between US, which I promoted.

I admit it.

But that was only because I was taking those photographs.

Photographs.

Oh, and by the way, Holmes,

they are developed and they are gangbusters.

Man, they are brilliant. Worth millions.

Get me security. I want this creature out of here this instant.

Yes, sir. I wouldn't touch it, sir.

Do you think I would?

Uh, I mean as a legal matter.

A legal matter?

2 years ago, a middle-level executive at metropolitan

was awarded 6 figures in a sexual discrimination suit.

6 figures?

But they're taking pictures, for Christ sake! Goodness.

Well, as counsel for the company,

I advise you not to treat him any differently

than any other employee.

If anything, I'd be a little nicer,

just to play it safe.

How about if I asked him to dance? Would that help?

I'm sorry, sir. I don't know.

Oh.

I never would have believed it.

Flamers.

How can you cut your hair now? This is a business trip.

Um, um, um, look- look-look here, uh,

uh, there's still time to freshen up.

Why don't you ask your, uh, friend

to, uh, join US for dinner?

Oh, I don't think so.

Hey, great, man. I could eat a fucking moose.

We'll be back in a minute.

Yeah, we'll be right back for dinner.

Why didn't you board the private cars

before we left?

Look, I'm just trying to find my husband.

I'm sure you could let me through.

No. Not without a ticket, I can't.

These are private cars.

Uh, I have a ticket here somewhere.

Here it is.

I didn't think you had it.

I don't usually do this.

Yeah. Me, either.

Where do you get these clothes, man?

They're so boring.

I gotta take you to downtown L.A.

And teach you how to shop.

Oh, good, Carlos, give me some dress tips.

Hey. I don't have to be here, man.

I'm only doing this to try and help you.

You want to help? Die.

Ow!

Honey! Oh.

Joel.

Hey, baby. Carlos.

How are you? I thought you were on the other train.

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I really am.

Aw, that's nice.

Hey, tightass. We'll be just in time.

They're gonna serve dinner in about 5 minutes.

5 minutes?

Oh, Joel, i, uh, forget it.

I can't put...

All taken care of.

Do you mind?

This is such a good sign that you're here.

This is going to send me right over the top.

Oh, good. I can't lose with you here.

Come on, man. Chow is on.

Look, we'll meet you in the dining car presently.

It's up the other way, ok?

Oh, great, I'll wear a baseball mitt.

You put a lot of thought into this, huh?

It was dark.

Hey, look, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

We skip dinner and, uh,

I'll buy you a whole new set of clothes

when we get to the resort, huh?

How's that sound?

What were you thinking of?

Dinner.

Good evening, garcon. Good evening.

Andrew Jackson suggested that we could sit

as close as possible to the roalvangs.

I'm terribly sorry.

The seating has been pre-arranged.

Yes, I understand. But you see, uh,

that's all the cash I brought with me.

You do take plastic, don't you?

Plastic? Yeah.

I'm sorry. This is your table.

Yeah, but the roalvang's table is way the hell down there in duckbert.

Be seated, please.

I'd have to charter a flight to get there.

Yes, as always. Uh, this is your table.

This way, please.

Look, why don't you wait with Janet.

I'll bring you both back some dinner if I can.

Excuse me, but your boss, he invited both of US to dinner, man.

Not just you.

That's 'cause he thought we were friends.

We are friends. We're not!

You know, you can kiss my Johnson, man.

You'd probably like that, wouldn't you?

Ok, look. You want to be friends?

Just don't embarrass me, ok?

Ah, monsieur keefer and your special friend.

He can kiss my Johnson.

This way, please.

Ah, well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Well, smokey.

Uh, have you met my wife?

Hello. Hi.

Ah. Smokey, huh?

Ah, no. Not really.

And this is his special friend, uh...

Holy mother.

Carlos.

Carlos?

That's right. Yeah. Uh, Carlos.

Carlos. Sit.

It's not right, Suzy.

It's not what god wants.

*

Well, isn't this, uh, enjoyable?

Did you find your doggie?

Oh, the do- the dog, yeah.

The dog is, uh, in the compartment.

Oh, yeah. He's in the compartment. Yeah.

I bet it's a nice doggie.

What's her name?

His name. Tightass.

Well, how the hell was I supposed to know?

Can I bring you anything to start?

Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact,

my, uh, my buddy here he would like a blow-me sandwich.

I beg your pardon?

Blow-me. Open-face.

Hold my salami.

No, no, no.

None of your post-Pullman sleeper business.

I'm-I'm talking about when sleepers were sleepers.

And it was- it was then that...

...That I realized

the only deep sleep I ever got

was after a long train ride.

And from then on,

I never could get trains out of my system.

That is fascinating, sir.

It really is.

But my hand-crafted models are the most fascinating.

Fascinating.

You should see the pair I've got at home.

I'll bet.

Mint condition.

Hmm.

Never been touched. Yeah.

Now don't you get me wrong.

They're not just lionels, either.

I mean, my other models, some are from, uh,

Turkey, and, uh, and the- and the orient.

Oh, yeah, they're my pride and joy- pride and joy.

Oh, I've got everything from the Baltimore badger

to the Casablanca belle istanbullet.

Won first prize at munchen for those things.

Or as, uh, some Americans say, Munich.

That's in Germany.

I almost forgot dugdale's the linguist, isn't he?

Anyhow we made quite an impression.

Beauties.

Unbelievable.

Jimminey.

I wouldn't know what they'd fetch today.

In today's market.

...of all the tea in China. Absolutely priceless.

But you're not going to get me to sell 'em.

No. No, siree, Bob.

No.

I mean, would it be worth it?

What would be the point? Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ah, amazing!

What is?

Trains. Trains. Oh, I...

They...

They go and they stop and, uh,

the process just seems to repeat itself.

Over and over. It is just amazing.

Yes, that's, uh, putting it mildly.

Darling, I'm getting wet.

Why on earth are you getting wet?

Did I say wet? Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, I meant tired.

Tired is a far cry from wet.

I mean, there's-there's wet

and-and-and there's tired.

Lovely seeing you.

Oh, my pleasure. Hey, no bullshit.

I am a photographer and i-

thank you so much.

No, no, it's-it's been very, very pleasant,

uh, very pleasant.

And, uh, nothing different than I do

for any of my people,

I assure you. Thank you.

Thanks for dinner, pop.

One thing I gotta say about your boss' old lady.

She sure wakes up the beast in my trousers.

I don't want you anywhere near her. Do you understand?

She takes chances. I like that.

Risk is what turns her on.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Oh, yeah? And what is that?

Grauman's Chinese tit?

And I suppose that wasn't her leg between your legs?

You're seeing things. Look, just leave me alone.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

It wasn't her leg between your legs.

Do you know what it was?

Your dong wears an ankle bracelet!

Hey, man, don't turn sensitive on me.

I'm just trying to make a point, man. Wait up, huh?

Keefer. Keefer, man.

No need to deny it, Holmes.

I saw it with my own eyes.

That bitch was coming onto US, man.

Hi.

Hi.

I hate it when we fight.

Me, too.

Those were the longest 3 weeks of my life.

Oh, you're telling me.

I should have been there with you today

for your little lunch date.

Why?

To inspire you.

No need.

The charts and graphs did the trick.

Charts and graphs?

Yeah. Roalvang really thought

it was quite a performance.

Are we talking about the same thing?

Y-You did go to the sperm bank today, didn't you?

Oh, no. I couldn't.

Why not?

Well, it was- it was an incredible day.

You know, actually,

it's kind of funny what happened.

Your priorities change by the hour!

That's no way to have a baby.

What do you mean? I want a baby!

Today it interfered with lunch!

Today's lunch was crucial!

As long as I make the sacrifices,

you want a kid. Is that it?

What are you talking about?

That's not what I want.

You're a mess, Joel!

You don't know what you want.

I'm going home!

Hey, there's a bar in here

and a phone, and a v.C.R., man.

Who are you calling?

Hey, what number is the roalvang car?

I gotta call Mrs. Roalvang.

Give me that!

Is there a law against me talking to Mrs. Roalvang?

Yes! Look, you just stay away from her, you got that?

My survival is at stake.

God, look at the size of this place.

Hi, this is Joel.

Janet and I are out right now,

but if you'd like to leave a message, uh,

just wait for the beep.

Here it comes.

Look, Janet, I know you're there, pick up, please!

Honey, I think we just had a bad couple of days. That's all.

We're gonna be much better once we get back on track. Now, I love-

tightass, stay away from me!

Who is it?

Knock, knock.

Sorry, wr-wrong door.

I guess the locks don't work.

Well, there's no chance we'll be peeping at you, is there, honey?

Better take the curlers out.

They might get the wrong idea.

Sit! Sit!

Yeah, you can just put that shit on the table.

Let's see. You got the caviar,

the eggs mcbenedict, whatever you call it...

Hungry?

Hey, man, you can't run on empty all day.

Don't worry about it. I got it, it's on me.

Besides, the steaks are for tightass.

Oh, wait a minute.

I need this for my records.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you, Mr. Kissoff.

Hey, you deserve it, pal.

Go buy yourself some land in Miami.

All right, now you're gonna find out

about the next train out of here today, right?

Yeah, man, I would have gone back with your lady

if she would have told me what time she was leaving.

Oh, yeah, now look.

If she calls, I want you to tell her I'll call her right back

as soon as I'm done with this meeting with roalvang, ok?

So, you're gonna be tied up with roalvang all morning?

I guess so. Why?

Just asking.

Have a good day, sweetheart.

I'll miss you.

Yes?

I thought, uh, that-that-that you had a meeting with keefer.

Uh, s-smokey.

Huh?

It's your special, um...

Whatever the hell he is.

Oh, how you doing, man?

What are you doing here?

Hey, I gotta be honest with you.

I-i came to see Mrs. Roalvang.

Mrs. Roalvang?

What on earth for?

Again, I gotta be honest with you.

I am a massage therapist,

and since you two are so nice to me,

I thought that I could be nice to you

and give your wife a rubdown.

Well, that's-that's- that's very...

I thought you were a photographer.

That is also true.

But, as a photographer,

I sometimes have to loosen people up

because they get very stiff.

I got so good at it that I turned pro.

If this wasn't a special friend of yours, i'd...

Just a second. I'll ask her.

What are you doing?

What are you trying to pull here?

I'm really sorry, man.

I know I made a big mistake.

I-i didn't know you'd be here. No harm, no foul, man.

I'll just be leaving you to your business and then I'll just go.

That's not a bad idea.

You've caught her at a perfect time.

She was just getting out of the shower.

Well, that is a perfect time.

Uh, unfortunately, uh,

he forgot his...

Table.

Table?

Oh, no, I never use a table.

Tightens up the lumbanoids.

What's a lumbanoid?

That's a good question.

To tell you the god's honest truth,

I used to use a table,

but it broke

from a fat person.

She weighed 300 pounds, at least.

Table just collapsed.

Killed my cat, poor bastard.

That's awful.

Why? Do you like cats?

Ok.

I am decent.

Well,

I am decent, too.

So, I'll go take care of Mrs. Roalvang,

and, uh, you two finish your business.

Adios.

Where were we?

I hope you don't use emollients or-

no, no, bare hands only.

Uh, w-w-where was I?

Uh, you asked US to evaluate the resort, sir.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Sit, sit, sit.

To evaluate the resort in terms of occupancy,

its growth potential, uh, clientele, expansion.

And you know, it's always been my personal thought

that the more young people you have,

the more potential for growth,

uh, because, well, the older people,

they-they seem to be, uh,

oh, boy, you know, just so-so darn death-prone.

Oh?

Yes, well, you can put that in your report if you like.

Uh, I want all of it,

just as you'd analyze any stock.

Then I want a full and complete prospectus.

This will be an important test

of your aptitude

for hospitality industries in general.

And, uh,

of course, will determine

Which of you will inherit the stutterman portfolio.

Uh, uh, sir, excuse me.

This-this kind of blue sky right now,

but-but i-i think that the golf course out here

is gonna play a very strategic part

in any such analysis like that.

Because, let's face it,

basically, that is what is bringing the people to this darned place.

Am I right?

You tell me.

Yes, i-i suppose so.

And vis-a-vis golf, sir,

um, I'd sure like to shoot a couple of rounds with you if I could, sir.

When you have the time.

Sure, sure, sure.

The associates meeting doesn't take all day,

which is where I have to be...

...5 minutes ago.

Oh, gee. I am sorry, fellas.

Curt, please!

Bye, honeybun.

See you later.

Goodbye, Mrs. R.

Sir, I'll just go ahead and, uh, book a tee-off time.

That way we're not locked in.

And if you do have the time, it'll be fabulous.

You look wonderful. Thank you.

Good luck.

Hey, drive carefully. That's very special cargo you got there.

Keep her under 55, you hear me?

Bye. Thanks for the quality time.

I'll be working on the report if you need me, sir!

Joel, it occurs to me, you may not even want that stutterman portfolio.

Of course I want it. Oh.

Well, why do you say that? Oh, no, no reason.

Very impressive in there.

What was?

I was.

Keep up the good work.

What the hell were you trying to do in there?

She's a little bit confused right now. She slapped you.

I'll have to give her some time to think things through.

Forever, 'cause you're on the next train out of here

if I have to tie your tongue to the caboose.

The next train is your train, man. I already checked.

Yeah, well. Look, I just-

just leave me alone and Mrs. Roalvang, too.

Just get out of my life and out of my room!

Hey, it's no skin off my huevos, man

as long as I don't got to pay for the room.

Come on. I'll give you a lift.

Where'd you get this?

My cousin Miguel,

he owns a used car dealership down the road.

Hey, where you going, man?

Oh, da madres.

Hello?

Hello, Janet?

Janet, is that you? I love you, sweetie.

Smokey.

Who?

Mr. Roalvang would like to see you in his bungalow

right away.

Right now? I mean, it's...

It's 5:11 in the morning.

You know how my husband is when he says jump.

Hi. Good morning.

Nice to see you again.

Is, uh, Mr. Roalvang here?

Come this way.

Tell me, are you feeling lucky tonight?

About the same as always. No.

Well, maybe that will change.

Do you want a drink or something?

Uh, no. No, thank you.

Thanks.

Is, uh... Is Mr. Roalvang around?

He asked me to entertain you.

By the way, are you wearing a belt?

What?

Good.

What's good?

We'll play mockie poker.

Um, where, uh...

Where did Mr. Roalvang go?

We'll ask him when he returns.

Something wrong?

No! No, no.

They look shuffled.

I take 2 cards.

Oh, damn you, you bastard!

I didn't, uh, I didn't do anything.

Sure, take the high road now that I'm half naked.

What?

Your deal.

Uh...

Maybe i- maybe I better come back later.

I'm not really

very good at cards.

Oh.

I got something for you.

If you feel like a bite.

Fine over here.

You know, I would feel more comfortable

if you put the-the robe back on.

Oh?

You don't like it this way?

Oh, believe me,

very becoming.

And I'm not just saying that.

Mmm, this was not going to be a meeting.

Take me, smokey.

M-Mrs. Roalvang?

Mrs. Roalvang.

Look, I just want to make it clear

that nothing of a sexual nature

is...

Beautiful sunrise, smokey.

And even if it did,

you know,

in an unofficial capacity,

it wouldn't mean anything disparaging

to my wife.

My sweet angel.

My tiny little bird.

No. No, not the tie.

Not until we know each other better.

No.

No!

Mrs. Roalvang, keep it down.

What was that? Uh-oh.

What is that?

It's my husband. He has asthma.

He will kill me if he knew I told anyone.

You know it's because he hates imperfections,

but he has them. We all do.

It doesn't really matter

oops!

Oh, my god!

No!

Are you crazy? Oh, I want you!

What, dear? Oh!

Don't go!

What would you have me do?

We're not finished yet.

You are nuts, sister!

Don't move. I'll scream.

Everything all right, dear?

Oh, excuse me one second.

Yes.

Everything's fine, darling.

Carlos was right.

You have a need to get caught.

Oh, do you think so?

Maybe I'm just attracted

to men who resist.

No, come back! Please!

Shh! Shh! Don't go!

Don't go! I swear I'll scream.

I swear I'll scream!

You!

Stop!

Freeze!

You! Freeze!

You're dead meat, fella.

Stop!

Morning.

Oh, my goodness.

Who is it?

Who's there?

Smokey.

Mr. Roalvang, please let me explain.

You weren't anywhere near my bungalow just now, were you?

What would make you think that I was?

I saw a man wearing a blue shirt, shorts, and a tie.

What kind of tie?

Heterosexual.

I mean, it's a heterosexual I'm looking for.

Apropos of that, uh,

where is Carlos?

Carlos?

Wait a minute. You think that me and...

He, uh, moved out.

He, uh, he moved to another bungalow.

The bitch.

I see. Then I must have been following the wrong man

from the start.

Either that or my wife had a terrible nightmare.

She's had them before,

but they've never been quite this loud.

Well, thank you. How's that?

Thank, uh, thank you for being so, um...

I mean, i'm-i'm really happy that,

uh, it's all solved.

Yes.

Well, sorry to...

You are a rude young man.

How's that?

You are a real dude,

man.

Oh, dude. Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, well, sorry to-

Joel!

Who's this?

This is my, uh, sister.

Sister. Sister, yeah.

Joel.

Oh, Joel.

Joel, I went all the way to L.A. and took the next train back.

Joel, I wanna have your baby,

but only if you're willing to do your part.

Why are you dressed like this?

Uh, no-no reason, really.

Mr. Roalvang, did you ever meet my, uh, wife-ster?

This is Janet.

Charmed, I'm sure. What's this about a baby?

Oh, this big palooka here's been trying to get me pregnant

every which way but lopsided.

Did-did I ever tell you how much she looked like my sister

from about 10 yards away?

You don't have a sister.

That's right, but if I did have a sister

and that sister was about 10 yards away,

it would be a very strong resemblance.

Can you give US a minute, please?

Oh, sure.

I'm so glad to see you.

I can't wait.

Wait!

Where are you goin'?

I'd like to take a shower.

Shower! Smokey.

Yeah, it was a long ride-

you can't take a shower now. The shower is broken!

See?

You see what I mean? Smokey.

Stay out of the bathroom!

What's that?

This is a present for you.

I gotta fix the shower.

No, not now. I want to talk to you.

Uh...

Be right back.

What the blazes is going on here?

Ah! Great! My life is over!

You know, I was thinking,

are you familiar with the work of r.D. Laing?

Mrs. Roalvang, I'm not really interested right now.

Let's just get US out of here.

He discusses the difference

between joy and endurance.

Smokey!

Mr. Roalvang.

How are you, huh?

Are you on drugs?

Is that why they call you smokey?

Mr. Roalvang, I've never in my life taken any drugs-

whoa. Ohhh!

No, no, wait. I want to see you.

How's that?

I...

I-i love the sea.

But I'll be, uh...

I'll be coming ashore any minute now.

Just don't rush on my account.

I like a nice conversation in the middle of a shower,

don't you? Just leaving.

Thank god we're alone.

Thank god!

What now? Damn it.

What are you doing?

What are you doing in the shower with your shirt on?

I'm fixing the leak! What are you doing?

I told you it was a long trip, I'd like to take a shower!

Well...

No, no, not 2. I wouldn't stand that.

Shh!

Mr. Roalvang is right outside.

Are you sure? I think he left.

No, go look.

Get back.

You're right. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, would you just go entertain him for a minute, please?

Entertain him?

Yes. Oh, please.

I got to get out of here!

Yes, Marge, I'll be in the bungalow.

Have the brothers gonzaga call me there.

Why are you so tense?

I-

I know just the thing to relax you.

All right, stay there.

Are you sure you don't want something to drink?

Shh!

If you- out!

Just what the devil is going on in here?

Uh, just a- just a little leak.

Fixin' her up. She's nice and tight now.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about that woman in there.

In there? In there.

In there? No, in there.

Don't tell me she's your sister.

I wasn't born yesterday.

Mr. Roalvang...

She's my wife.

Your wife?

You were trying to have a baby

with your wife?

No wonder Carlos left you.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

What was that?

How do I know?

It sounded like...

Darling, this man was staring at me.

No, no, oh.

*

* 'cause the gang's all here *

That-that-that sounded, uh...

Are there any other requests?

Oh, l'air de clochette from blackmail.

Oh, darling. That's hardly the right tune

for a sing-along.

Oh.

L'air de clochette.

L'air de clochette it is.

Maestro.

*

No, no.

Does anyone know l'air de clochette?

From blackmail?

Yes. By that punk telebe?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, man. I know that. That's no problem.

Hey, maestro. Scoot it over, huh?

Great. That is easy.

Ok.

You ready, baby?

Uno, dos,

uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

*

Come on, everybody!

*

Wonderful, darling.

Thank you, sweetheart.

He knows how to play.

He's a real opera buff.

They all are.

Look at those hats. What is this?

Oh, no, thanks.

Where were you?

We are 3 tunes into the sing-along.

No one told US.

Put those on, please.

Oh, uh, we don't wear hats. He never wears-

yeah, we're-we're not really hat people.

Don't challenge me.

Wear them, join in, and don't forget

the stutterman account is at stake.

I'd-I'd really rather not.

Don't argue with me, smokey. Put 'em on!

Joel, wear it.

It's business.

There are some things you've got to do.

What's one more thing?

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

To get some air.

All right, folks.

Song number 4 is up.

So what's your pleasure?

Oh! On top of old smokey.

Oh, yes.

My wife's pleasure is on top of old smokey.

So, a one and a 2 and a 3.

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