Original subtitles

Hello. We have a 2:00 appointment with Dr Ashley. The name is Zbornak.

My name's not Zbornak. My name is Devereaux.

Yes, but the appointment is in the name of Zbornak.

Why is it in your name? It was my idea to get counselling.

Fine. Take the appointment for Zbornak and change it to Nylund. You satisfied?

The appointment should be under "Devereaux."

- It should be under "Nylund." - Change it back to "Zbornak."

Put it under "Lipschitz" and buzz the headshrinker. We got an emergency here.

Excuse me, ladies. I'm Dr Ashley. Won't you come into my office?

I'm Sophia Petrillo,

and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.

- Doctor, I'm Dorothy Zbornak. - Dorothy.

- I'm Rose Nylund. - Rose.

I'm Blanche, and I know it's not pertinent at the moment,

but I'm double-jointed.

That's very interesting.

The reason we came to the counselling centre is that we're roommates,

and we've been having problems that we need to work out.

Before we get to the nitty-gritty, why don't you all tell me a bit about yourselves?

Fine. I'm a teacher, I'm divorced.

I'm a widow. No man would leave me unless he absolutely had to.

I'm 41 years old, I'm five-six, I weigh 108 pounds and my hair is its natural hue.

Sure, Blanche. Yours and Lucy's.

What about you, Rose?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I use a touch of peroxide.

- Shut up, Rose. - You shut up.

Now, stop it. Stop it. I cannot stand it anymore.

You know what I can't stand anymore? Your phoney accent.

What is this, Designing Women?

We have been together for five years, and we're just getting on each other's nerves.

Why? Why is that?

- Dorothy is impossible to live with. - That's right.

The real problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.

Please. Everybody says what a giving person I am.

She's talking about when you're in an upright position.

Dorothy, would you care to give an example of how Blanche is selfish?

All right, fine. Let's say, about a month ago, I was not feeling very well.

As a matter of fact, I was sick as a dog. We were...

I'll be ready to go in just a minute.

I had Hannah do my makeup while my pedicure was drying,

so all I have to do is change my shoes.

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

I think I'm dying.

But then again, this 104 fever may be clouding my judgment.

Look at what you're wearing. You can't go like that.

I think the funeral home has someone who handles that, Blanche.

- But thank you for caring. - I'm talking about our double date.

Good grief, this place looks like a hospital ward.

Don't you know Mike and Larry will be here any minute?

Blanche, I can't go out tonight. Look at me.

But, Dorothy, you've looked much worse than this.

Remember that time you gave yourself a home perm?

Burnt your hair right down to the roots and ended up looking like Buckwheat?

I meant, Blanche, that I am sick. I can barely stand.

- You'll just have to go on without me. - Go on without you?

Honey, this is not a wagon train. This is a double date.

It doesn't work that way. It's the both of us or nothing.

- You'll just have to cancel your date, too. - Cancel my date? With Larry?

Dorothy, how long have you been inhaling this VapoRub?

- Blanche. - Dorothy.

I have been waiting for Larry to ask me out

ever since our eyes first met at Del's Route One Chevron.

And I climbed up on the hood of his LeBaron

and wrote my phone number on his windshield

with the heel of my Pappagallo pump.

Isn't that how Mrs Simpson met the Duke of Windsor?

You promised you would double-date with Larry's friend Mike.

- I am holding you to that promise. - I'm sick.

You just have a cold.

See? You just have a little tickle in your throat.

- All right, come on, let's go. - Blanche, please.

Please. My body aches.

Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go out on this date.

- Blanche, I am miserable. - It is mind over matter, Dorothy.

You can do it - you can get up off that couch.

You feel better already. You're not sick anymore. You can heal yourself.

Walk, Dorothy, walk.

Just because you put your makeup on with a knife doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.

Forget it. I'm not gonna kill myself because you have the hots for a guy in a fancy car.

Dorothy, Larry is very important to me.

You picked him up at a gas station.

He must have been impressed with your spare tire.

- I cannot believe you are doing this to me. - And I can't believe that you are so selfish.

Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better.

Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough.

Shut up and drink.

This is the fourth one. That's a lot of whiskey.

I only put whiskey in the first one. Then we ran out.

The second and third were vodka.

No wonder my head is spinning.

This one's part amaretto, part sambuca. That should kill everything.

Killed your father.

Dorothy? Dorothy.

She's out cold. A fever takes a lot out of you.

Come on. Help me get her into the bedroom.

- I think she's comfortable here. - All right.

I'll just prop her up a little. Mike's not that particular - he just got out of prison.

It was absolutely dreadful.

I spent the rest of the evening going in and out of consciousness

while a guy with a silver tooth and a scorpion tattoo on his arm

tried to grope me through the Vicks VapoRub.

Stop your complaining. Mike was a very nice man.

He burned down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were runny.

I think you owe Dorothy an apology.

- Shut up, Rose. - Don't you tell me to shut up.

OK, I will. Shut up, Rose.

You see the way they always pick on me? They're always telling me to shut up.

- Why? - It could be...

Every time I open my mouth to express an opinion...

- Rose... ...they jump on me.

They say I babble. I don't babble. I mean, people who babble...

Shut up, Rose.

I mean, I think things would be more productive

if we conducted things in a more orderly fashion.

But you see what we have to put up with. She's an airhead.

Yeah? Well, you're a bar bell.

That's "a dumbbell," you twit.

Ladies, ladies, please calm down.

Who can give an example that'll illustrate what you're trying to say about Rose?

If you mean that she's an idiot, I've got an example.

Dorothy was on her summer vacation, looking for a part-time job.

So she asks Rose to put her ad in the classifieds.

That was a mistake to begin with right away...

- Rose, it is not here. - Look again. It has to be.

Rose, I have read every want ad in the paper. Mine is not here.

Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?

You told me exactly what to do a dozen times. Any idiot could have done it.

I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.

Are you sure that you dropped it off at the newspaper office?

Yes. Six people already called while you were out.

Give that to me. I'll try and find it for you.

- Dorothy? - Have we met?

Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper:

"Willing to do anything, $8 an hour, no job too big or small."

Yes, of course. Please come in.

I'm sorry. I didn't expect people to come here.

I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.

That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.

So tell me, what type of work is it that you need done, Mr...

- Toto. - Mr Toto.

No "Mr". Just "Toto".

You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto.

At least for the next $8.

Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.

Rose, this is the personals column.

- So what? - So what?

You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for $8 an hour?

Look, it's right under an ad that reads,

"History professor seeking nonsmoking Oriental woman

who is into Wesson oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."

- Is that signed "Doug"? - Yes.

I know him. He's a sick man.

I'm terribly sorry for this mix-up. Goodbye.

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

I'm gonna call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you pervert.

Hi, Father Rossi. Here's the canned goods for the needy.

Oh, no.

I'm terribly sorry.

I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.

Hi. Here's my $8. Let's get started, Dorothy.

I'm not Dorothy. She is.

I'll give you $4. Let's get started.

How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?

Great. Here's the other $4.

Girls. Girls, there is a busload of Greek sailors out front.

They wanna know how many drachma there are in $8.

It didn't turn out well, but it was an honest mistake.

Besides, something good came out of it. We learned to make souvlaki.

The point is, Rose, you do this kind of stupid thing all the time.

Or you say something stupid

or wear something stupid or cook something stupid.

Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?

I think she's a garkonnenokken.

What exactly does that mean?

Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.

But in general,

it refers to the kind of person you don't wanna share your huegenkagels with.

If you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...

Blow it out your tubenburbels.

Sometimes I think if I have to live with her one more week...

Ladies, ladies, please.

We're not going to get anything more accomplished unless you sit down,

take it easy and discuss this rationally.

Using only English words.

Now, we talked about Rose, we talked about Blanche.

Nobody has said a word about Dorothy.

That's because they're afraid of her.

No, we are not. But we do have a problem with her.

What specifically is it about Dorothy that is disruptive to the household?

It's nothing specific. It's her entire general attitude.

Yeah, like that time a couple of weeks ago. Was it week before last?

Come in.

- Hi, Dorothy. - Hi, Rose.

- How's the studying going? - I still have a lot to cover.

- I'm gonna be up for quite a while. - OK, I'll keep you company.

- I don't want any company. - Just pretend I'm not here.

Goody, a slumber party. Mind if I join you?

- What is the matter? - Why d'you think something's the matter?

OK, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now.

The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is we're scared.

Scared? Of what?

Now, Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.

How many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"?

They are the Chungs, and they happen to be very nice.

- They are not very nice. They eat dogs. - Ma, they do not eat dogs.

Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.

Ma, you made that up.

We're not talking about them. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.

Those aliens. Get out, both of you.

Now, have a heart.

Rose and I rented that movie Aliens. And it just scared us half to death.

Scared me, too.

That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.

I don't have time for this. Now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning.

- You mean you're kicking us out? - I have to study.

That's my Dorothy. Always with her nose in a book.

Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.

I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded

as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need.

And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate,

you would disturb me with something this ridiculous

when you know how important my exam is.

If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise.

- That's it. Everybody out. - Sophia, we're scared.

I'm scared that we won't be able to afford meat on the table.

You wanna wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out, out.

Ladies, I'm not sure I understand.

What do you want, subtitles?

What I mean is, Dorothy was perfectly reasonable.

You were pestering her, she was more than patient.

Exactly. And I've had it up to here with her.

It's not easy living with somebody who's always so together.

She's so efficient, so organised. She even balances her chequebook.

Since when is competence a crime?

Look, Dorothy cannot be blamed for being capable.

She doesn't have to lord it over us

and criticise us for not living up to her standards.

She's always harping on us to do everything just right.

I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house.

Those of you who wear underwear.

Maybe I am a perfectionist and maybe I do take charge,

but, Doctor, if I did not, our whole household would fall apart.

To tell you the truth, I'm the glue that keeps these women together,

- and I am totally unappreciated. - Ma, please.

Look, you may be smart, but I'm wise. When it comes to a real problem,

I'm the one who has to set it straight, whether I want to or not.

Let me tell you a little story, Doctor, and I want you to...

Sophia, are you busy?

No, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.

Why?

I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips.

I have a problem.

All right. Take a sip - I'll draw another line.

No, no, it's not that. My boss at the centre made a pass at me.

Maybe you misunderstood. What did he do?

He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me.

That's a pass.

OK, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose.

Picture it - Sicily, 1922.

Sophia, I have a problem.

I saw the guy I've been dating with another woman. What do you think I ought to do?

I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922.

It was the worst of times...

it was the worst of times.

It was Sicily, 1922.

- Ma, I have a problem. - Just sit down and listen.

Is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment?

- Yes. - Then for the last time,

picture it - Sicily, 1922.

A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen -

except hers moved when she skipped.

She comes walking down a picturesque country road

when suddenly a yellow Rolls-Royce pulls up and blocks her path.

Who was in the Rolls?

Robert Goulet, for all I know. It's not important to the story.

Anyway, the Rolls-Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.

What happened to it, Sophia?

Bambi ate it. How should I know? You keep missing the point.

The important thing is, she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table.

She gets hysterical. She starts to run.

She runs through the field, over the hill, until she comes to a raging river

filled with pepperoni swimming upstream.

Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?

Yeah, I know, it's odd. Pepperoni is a land meat, but there it was.

She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family.

When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God.

But as it turned out, a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer

had blown up the factory in a neighbouring town,

causing pepperoni to rain down over 100 square miles.

Which is where the old Sicilian saying, "It's raining cats and pepperoni" comes from.

Is this helping anyone yet? Because this sure feels like an ending to me.

It's helping me, Sophia.

What I got out of the story was that I should take a bad situation and make it better.

I'm gonna tell my boss off.

That's not quite what I got out of it.

I thought you were telling me to dump my cheating boyfriend

because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea.

That's exactly what I was trying to tell you.

Thank you, Sophia.

How about you? Did I help you?

You sure did, Ma. I didn't know what to have for dinner.

How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?

- Sure. You buying? - Does a pepperoni swim upstream?

It did once. Let's go.

I'm afraid I don't understand, Sophia. They look up to you.

They seek your advice. They respect your opinion.

What exactly is your complaint?

That I don't get $150 an hour like you.

What do you think we should do?

In my experience, most domestic problems can usually be resolved

through a willingness to cooperate and hard work.

So you're saying that if we become more tolerant of each other,

we can work things out.

In your case, there's really no point. You are totally incompatible.

What?

You are incompatible. You seem to bring out the worst traits in each other.

I'm surprised that you were able to live together this long without killing each other.

But, Dr Ashley, we came here for you to help us.

Ladies, I like you. Save your money for the moving expenses.

Well, thank you, Doctor.

It was difficult to hear,

but you're probably right.

I knew you were a quack.

If you were a legitimate shrink, you would have strung us along for months.

Well, then, I guess tomorrow morning we can start to pack. Can't we?

I guess so. That's probably the best thing. Dr Ashley was right, wasn't he?

Absolutely.

It doesn't mean we can't still be friends.

You know, we'll visit each other.

It's just that we can't live together. Right?

What's going on?

We were just discussing going our separate ways.

- Interesting. - You think that's what we should do?

- I didn't say that. - Then you think we should stay together.

- I didn't say that, either. - What should we do?

It's not for me to say.

But I'll tell you a story. Picture it - Miami, 1987.

A house. The only one in the neighbourhood without a pool.

But I digress. Four women, friends.

They laugh, they cry, they eat. They love, they hate, they eat.

They dream, they hope, they eat. Every time you turn around, they eat.

Sophia, are those four women us?

Look in the mirror, blubber-butt.

The point I'm trying to make is, what's going on here is living.

Just because you have some rough times doesn't mean you throw in the towel.

You go on living.

And eating.

I'll get the cheesecake.

- I'll get the whipped cream. - I'll get the chocolate syrup.

I'll get the Polaroid. This is a time to remember.

Ma, you don't have a Polaroid.

I'll get mine. It's under my bed.

I have to go in there for the whipped cream anyway.