All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S48E04.WEBRip.x264-XEN0N_Track03

[ APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING.

I'M JUDY WOODRUFF.
AND THIS IS THE PBS NEWS HOUR.
WE'RE WHAT YOUR GRANDMA IS

TALKING ABOUT WHEN SHE SAYS, I
SAW THIS ON THE NEWS.
WITH THE MIDTERMS LESS THAN TWO

WEEKS AWAY, REPUBLICANS SEEM TO
BE SURGING WITH A STRONG MESSAGE
FROM CANDIDATES WHO

HAVE GONE FROM UNDERDOGS TO
STARS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
BUT HOW?

TONIGHT WE SPEAK TO THREE OF
THEM.
FIRST, SENATE CANDIDATE FROM

GEORGIA, HERSCHEL WALKER.
HELLO, JUDICE.
MY NAME IS HERSCHEL WALKER,

TEXAS RANGER.
AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED AIRLINES.

NEXT IS PENNSYLVANIA'S
REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE,
DR. OZ.

HELLO, JUDY!
MY PENNSYLVANIA PHILLIES ARE IN
THE WORLD SERIES.

AND I JUST HAD A DELICIOUS
PHILADELPHIA CHEESE AND STEAK.
YUM!

ALSO JOINING US IS ARIZONA'S
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR
GOVERNOR, CONSIDER -- KERI LAKE.

GREAT TO BE WITH YOU, JUDY ON
YOUR SWEET LITTLE SHOW FULL OF
LIES.

OKAY.
WELL, ALL THREE OF YOU HAVE BEEN
GAINING IN THE POLLS THE PAST

FEW WEEKS DESPITE NONE OF YOU
HAVING ANY POLITICAL EXPERIENCE.
CORRECT.

PROUD OF IT.
MR. WALKER, YOU'RE NOW WITHIN
PLEA POINTS OF SENATOR RAPHAEL

WARNOCK.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS A MYSTERY,
AIN'T IT?

FOR PER EXAMPLE, A THERMOS, IT
KEEPS THE HOT THINGS HOT, BUT
ALSO THE COLD THINGS COLD.

MY QUESTION IS, HOW DO IT
DECIDE?
SO WE GOING TO BE LOOKING INTO

THAT VERY MUCH.
WELL, YOU'VE HAD A TOUGH
CAMPAIGN.

A SECOND WOMAN HAS NOW CLAIMED
YOU PAID FOR HER ABORTION, AND A
EX-WIFE HAS SAID YOU ONCE HELD A

GUN TO HER HEAD.
WHY ARE GEORGIA RESIDENTS VOTING
FOR YOU?

GAS.
OKAY.
GAS PRICES ARE HIGH, BUT IS

THERE MORE TO IT THAN THAT?
YES.
OF COURSE THERE IS.

I'M FUN.
IF YOU WANT TO GET ON THE JUMBO
TRON AT THE PACKERS GAME, YOU

GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.
LIKE THE GREAT DONALD TRUMP
SAID, I CAN PAY FOR AN ABORTION

IN THE MIDDLE OF FIFTH AVENUE
AND NOT LOSE ANY VOTERS.
THAT'S A PROMISE FROM ME, HER

SHELL.
NOW, DR. OZ, YOU CAUGHT UP TO
YOUR CANDIDATE RECENTLY.

I SURE HAVE.
I WAS A LONG HAD SHOT JUDY.
BUT I WAS TOLD, YOU CAN WIN THIS

ELECTION IF YOU'RE HONEST, FAIR,
AND IF YOUR OPPONENT HAS A
DEBILITATING MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

WE'RE VERY LUCKY.
MS. LAKE, YOU WERE A LOCAL
NEWS ANCHOR AND A DEMOCRAT FOR

SEVERAL YEARS, AND YOU'RE
GAINING VOTERS, HOW?
BECAUSE I'M NORMAL, JUDY.

I'VE MET WITH THE WONDERFULLY
TERRIFIED OLD PEOPLE HERE IN
FLORIDA.

ALSO, I'M A FIGHTER.
IN MY LIFE, I'VE SENT BACK OVER
2,000 SALADS, OKAY?

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO DO THE
SAME THING WITH DEMOCRACY.
VERY WELL.

NOW, ONE OF YOUR MAIN CAMPAIGN
ISSUES IS THE DENIAL OF 2020
ELECTION.

CAN YOU MEDIA TYPES GET OVER
THE ONE THING I'VE MADE THE
CENTER OF MY CAMPAIGN FOR MONTHS

AND MONTHS.
ARIZONAENS WANT TO TALK ABOUT
THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM, LIKE

CRIME IN NEW YORK OR CRIME IN
DETROIT, OR THE MOST PRESSING
ISSUE, DRAG QUEEN DRESS TIME,

INTRODUCING CHILDREN TO THE JOYS
OF READING.
NOT ON MY WATCH?

CAN YOU PASS IT TO ME,
PLEASE?
I'M OPEN.

LISTEN, JUDICE.
WE GOT BABIES OUT HERE IN SCHOOL
FIEG AS A POKEMON.

THAT'S CRAZY.
MY SON IS A BOY LAST TIME I
CHECKED BY TEXT.

HE CERTAINLY AIN'T NO SNORLAX.
AND THAT'S JUST ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME.

I'M GETTING ALL WORKED UP RIGHT
NOW.
MY HEAD IS GETTING VERY HOT.

JUDY, WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF
OURSELVES, AND I RECOMMEND THIS
MIRACULOUS DRUG TO HELP THEM

LOSE 30 POUNDS IN JUST ONE
CALENDAR DAY.
GREAT.

NOW, MS. LAKE, YOU HAVE PROPOSED
SOME BIG CHANGES TO LOCAL VOTING
LAWS.

IF YOU BECOME GOVERNOR, DO YOU
PROMISE TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE'S
VOTE COUNTS?

IF THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA
ELECT ME, I'LL MAKE SURE THEY
NEVER HAVE TO VOTE EVER AGAIN.

SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT
KIND OF ELECTION, DENIAL
CONTRIBUTES TO VIOLENCE.

LIKE CRAZY ODD MEN IN
TACTICAL GEAR WAVING ASSAULT
RIFLES AT BALLOT BOXES?

THAT'S JUST ARIZONA, BABY.
NOTHING I SAY CAN BE INCENDIARY
BECAUSE I SAY IT IN TV VOICE.

SO JUMP ON TO KERI LAKE,
ARIZONA.
IT'S PLACID AND SERENE ON TOP,

BUT UNDERNEATH, IT'S A WHOLE LOT
OF GIARDIA.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, AND

THANK YOU TO DR. OZ AND HERSCHEL
WALKER.
GO HALLOWEEN.

GO HALLOWEEN.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."

HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST, JACK
HARLOW.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK
HARLOW!
[ APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

MY NAME IS JACK HARLOW.
IT'S BEEN A BIG YEAR FOR ME.
[ APPLAUSE ]

I PUT OUT MY SECOND ALBUM.
I WENT ON A WORLD TOUR.
I JUST SHOT MY FIRST MOVIE,

"WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP."
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
SAYING, LIKE, I'M THE G.O.A.T.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T MEAN
GREATEST OF ALL TIME.
THEY MEAN THAT ONE FROM NARNIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
ABOUT ME, BUT PEOPLE ON THE

INTERNET LIKE TO ROAST ME.
AND I DON'T MIND.
I THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I SAW ONE GUY SAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHY Y'ALL THINK JACK HARLOW IS
SO SPECIAL.

YOU CAN FIND ANYONE THAT LOOKS
LIKE HIM AT ANY LOCAL GAS
STATION.

I'VE HEARD THEM SAY I LOOK LIKE
IF YOU TRIED TO DRAW JUSTIN
TIMBERLAKE FROM MEMORY.

[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK MY FAVORITE ONE IS JACK
HARLOW LOOKS LIKE THE GUY WHO

RIPS THE TICKETS IN HALF AT THE
MOVIE THEATER.
[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT, Y'ALL AGREE WITH THAT?
THERE'S ALSO A STRANGE AMOUNT OF
RUE MORSE ABOUT ME.

SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M ONLY
5'10", STOP IT.
OTHER PEOPLE THINK I WAS CREATED

BY THE CIA.
NO TELLING.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE EVEN GONE AS

FAR AS ACCUSING ME OF BEING
WHITE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'VE SEEN A LOT OF KIDS
RUNNING AROUND DRESSED AS ME FOR
HALLOWEEN, AND I WANT TO SAY,

CUT IT OUT.
MY CULTURE IS NOT A COSTUME.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I'VE ALSO HEARD PEOPLE TRY TO
ROMANTICALLY LINK ME AND LIL NAS
X AS AN ITEM.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,
NO.
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN

HIM AND I WAS CASUAL AND
CONSENSUAL AND ONE OF THE BEST
NIGHTS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

[ APPLAUSE ]
WORKING WITH HIM, WORKING WITH
HIM.

WHAT'S REALLY CRAZY, THOUGH, IS
THIS SHOW IS LIVE.
IT'S ONE OF THE LAST REAL LIVE

SHOWS.
BASICALLY IT'S THIS AND "THE
OFFICE."

I CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
LIKE NO ONE CAN STOP ME.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY ON
THIS STAGE.
IN FACT, I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO

LEAVE THIS STAGE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
McKAYLA.

EVERYBODY GIVE IT UP FOR
McKAYLA PLEASE.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE

TO SAY WITH THE WORLD WATCHING?
HUGE JACK HARLOW FAN.
UNBELIEVABLE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
EVERYONE, SERIOUSLY, GIVE IT UP
FOR McKAYLA.

WOW.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT
TO MY FAMILY.
MY MOM AND DAD ARE HERE TONIGHT.

MY GRAND PARENTS ARE HERE
TONIGHT.
I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU.

Y'ALL ARE THE REASON I GET TO
STAND ON THIS STAGE AND SAY, WE
GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT
STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK
WE|LL BE BACK

AND DOONEY, NO MATTER COME
HELL OR HIGH WATER, I'M GOING TO
LOVE YOU UNTIL I GOT NO MORE

LOVE TO GIVE.
I SWEAR THAT TO YOU.
WHATEVER.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, PATCH.
NOW, IF ANYONE HERE HAS REASON
WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED,

SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR
PEACE.
YEAH, I GOT A REASON.

BABE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST SAYING I DON'T KNOW IF I
FEEL LIKE MARRYING YOU NO MORE

ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR BEST MAN CAME
TO OUR WEDDING DRESSED LIKE
JOKER.

YOU DON'T LIKE ME BEING
DRESSED LIKE JOKER?
NO, CLINT, I DON'T LIKE IT.

I KNOW WE'RE GETTING MARRIED ON
HALLOWEEN NIGHT, BUT I DON'T
LIKE YOU BEING DRESSED LIKE

JOKER.
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED ON
HALLOWEEN NIGHT, I THOUGHT I

COULD DRESS LIKE JOKER.
CLINT, I TOLD YOU MULTIPLE
TIMES.

YEAH, BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS
GOING TO DRESS LIKE JOKER.
BUT I TOLD YOU NOT TO.

BUT I SAID I WAS GOING TO
DRESS LIKE JOKER.
BUT I SAID NOT TO DO THAT.

BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO
DRESS LIKE JOKER.
YOU RUINED MY WEDDING, CLINT.

YOU RUINED MY WEDDING, CLINT.
BECAUSE I DRESSED LIKE JOKER?
YES.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
DREAMING ABOUT MY WEDDING, MY
HUSBAND'S BEST MAN WASN'T

DRESSED LIKE JOKER.
I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR
WEDDING.

IF CLINT GOES TO TAKE OFF THE
JOKER RIGHT NOW, CAN WE STILL
PLEASE BE BRIDE AND GROOM.

YES.
THANK YOU, BABY.
CLINT, GO TO THE BATHROOM.

CHANGE OUT OF JOKER RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE OUT OF
JOKER.

COME ON, CLINT!
YOU MY BEST FRIEND.
YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO

MARRY DOONEY EVER SINCE I SAW
HER.
AND YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN

WANTING TO DRESS LIKE JOKER EVER
SINCE LAST HALLOWEEN!
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE JOKER

NO MORE, CLINT.
BUT I DO WANT TO BE JOKER,
DOONEY, AND I THINK EVERYBODY IN

HERE SHOULD GET TO VOTE ON IT.
FINE!
WE'LL ALL VOTE ON IT.

NO, PAT.
BUT HE'S RIGHT.
IF EVERYBODY WANTS HIM TO STILL

BE JOKER, HE SHOULD GET TO.
WELL, THEN I GUESS YOU DON'T
WANT TO BE BRIDE AND GROOM NO

MORE.
I DO WANT TO BE BRIDE AND
GROOM WITH YOU MORE THAN

ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH, BUT WE
GETTING MARRIED ON HALLOWEEN
NIGHT, WE GOT TO RESPECT THAT

SOME PEOPLE GOING TO SHOW UP
LIKE JOKER.
THIS PLACE COULD HAVE BEEN

CRAWLING WITH JOKERS, DOONEY.
BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY
THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, WE WILL

NOW VOTE ON JOKER.
COUSIN BECCA, DO YOU THINK
CLINT SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT STILL

GET TO BE JOKER?
CLINT, ON THE ONE HAND, I
UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S HALLOWEEN

NIGHT, AND ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT,
YOU SHOULD GETS TO BE JOKER, BUT
DOONEY DON'T WANT YOU TO BE

JOKER NO MORE, THEN MY VOTE IS
YOU SHOULD NOT BE JOKER.
THANK YOU, COUSIN BECCA.

UNCLE TED, ARE YOU PROJOKER OR
PROJOKER?
DOONEY, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE

NIECE.
HOWEVER, GIVEN THAT IT IS
HALLOWEEN NIGHT, THE ONE NIGHT A

YEAR IN WHICH EVERYONE IS
ALLOWED TO BE JOKER, I VOTE THAT
CLINT SHOULD CONTINUE TO BE

JOKER.
ALL RIGHT.
GAMMA JUDY, IT'S DOWN TO YOU.

SHOULD CLINT OR SHOULD NOT CLINT
CONTINUE TO BE JOKER AT OUR
WEDDING?

DOONEY, YOU MAKE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL BRIDE I HAVE EVER
SEEN.

AWW, THANK YOU GRANDMA JUDY.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
AND CLINT, YOU KNOW I NEVER

LIKED YOU.
YOU'RE A SKUNK AND AN ALCOHOLIC.
BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU DON'T

LOOK EXACTLY LIKE JOKER!
THANK YOU, GRANDMA JUDY.
I WILL CHERISH THAT.

HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION?
I HAVE.
OKAY.

THEN SURVIVOR'S JEFF PROBST,
PLEASE SHARE THE RESULTS.
[ APPLAUSE ]

DOONEY, THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN.
CLINT GETS TO BE JOKER.
NO!

YEAH!
PLEASE BRING ME YOUR TORCH.
CONGRATULATIONS, CLINT, YOU GET

TO BE JOKER.
WHOO!
I GET TO BE JOKER!

HERE AT SKETCHERS, WE PRIDE
OURSELVES ON TWO THINGS, MAKING
STYLISH COMFORTABLE SHOES AT AN

AFFORDABLE PRICE.
THAT'S WHY EARLIER THIS WEEK,
WHEN KANYE WEST SHOWED UP AT OUR

CORPORATE OFFICE ASKING TO WORK
WITH US, WE SAID NO.
NO WAY.

NO THANK YOU.
AND WE IMMEDIATELY ESCORTED
HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING.

LIKE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY,
WE WERE APPALLED BY KANYE'S
HORRIFIC COMMENTS, AND WE VOWED

TO NEVER WORK WITH HIM IN ANY
CAPACITY.
BUT CAN WE ALSO POINT OUT THAT

OF ALL THE COMPANIES HE COULD
HAVE APPROACHED AND BEEN
REJECTED BY, HE CLOSE SKECHERS.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HIP
COMPANY.
OF COURSE HE CAME TO US

FIRST.
KANYE CAME TO SKECHERS, AND
WE SAID NO.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW INSANELY
SATISFYING THAT IS?
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY

SKECHERS EMPLOYEES ARE HEROES.
COULD YOU HAVE IMAGINED THAT
LINE TWO YEARS AGO, SKECHERS TOO

GOOD FOR KANYE?
CORPORATE WAS LIKE, WE CAN'T
WORK WITH KANYE WEST, HE'S CRAZY

NOW.
I WAS LIKE, NOW?
IT TOOK ADIDAS SOME DAYS TO

DECIDE NOT TO WORK WITH HIM.
HE WALKED IN AND WE WERE LIKE,
BYE, BYE BYE, DOOR.

AND OF COURSE, HE WOULD HAVE
BEEN A PERFECT PARTNERSHIP.
WE INVENTED SHOES YOU CAN

WASH IN A WASHING MACHINE.
BUT, AGAIN, WE WOULD NEVER
PARTNER WITH HIM.

NEVER.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
BESIDES, WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN

CALL A KANYE SKECHERS SHOE ANY
WAY?
THE SKEEZY?

THAT'S NOT BAD.
BUT WE'RE NOT DOING IT.
RIGHT.

BECAUSE OF THE ANTI-SEMITISM.
I'M PROUD TO WORK FOR
SKECHERS.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAID
THAT?
ALL WE WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW IS

WHERE WE STAND AND TO RECOGNIZE
HOW COOL THIS MAKES US LOOK.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S ALL ABOUT

US.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE ALL BIRDS IS
FIGHTING THE FIGHT.

I'M SURPRISED WE HAVEN'T
HEARD ANYTHING FROM CROCS.
AND TO THINK, KANYE WEST

COULD HAVE BEEN MY BOSS.
THAT IS -- TERRIFYING.
SO THANKS BUT NO THANKS,

KANYE.
WE DON'T NEED YOU.
WE DON'T STAND WITH US.

WE MIGHT MESS UP IN THE
FUTURE, BUT WE DIDN'T THIS TIME.
AND BESIDES, I'M SURE KANYE

WILL FIND SOME MORALLY DUBIOUS
COMPANY TO WORK WITH INSTEAD.
HE SURE WILL.

IT'S ME, MIKE LINDELL, FOUNDER
OF MY PILLOW, AND I'M HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE WE ARE STARTING TIES

OF MY PILLOW, AND I'M HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE WE ARE STARTING TIES
WITH KANYE WEST EFFECTIVE

WELCOME, EVERYONE.
I'M TEE I CAN'T LEFAYE.
IT'S 2:00 A.M., AND THE STREETS

ARE ABSOLUTELY PACKED WITH
ADULTS IN COSTUMES LEAVING BARS
IN COSTUMES AND TRYING TO GET

BACK TO WHERE THEY LIVE.
THE STARS ARE OUT TONIGHT,
AREN'T THEY, DEAN?

THEY ARE.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
A DRUNK GUY IN AN INFLATABLE

DINOSAUR COSTUME.
AND I THINK HE'S GOING TO FALL
AND GET HURT.

THERE IT IS.
TINA.
WELL, DEAN, I'M HERE WITH AN

ABSOLUTE ICON OF THE POST
HALLOWEEN SCENE, A WASTED WHITE
GIRL WHO CAN'T FIND HER UBER.

I AM HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU?
NOW, MISS, I SEE YOU'RE

HOLDING YOUR SHOES INSTEAD OF
WEARING THEM.
CAN I ASK WHY?

BLISTERS.
DUDE, OH, MY GOD.
SPEAK ENGLISH!

UH-OH, THINGS ARE GETTING
RACIST HERE, SO DEAN, BACK TO
YOU.

I'M HERE WITH ANOTHER
LATE-NIGHT HALLOWEEN STAR, A GUY
WHO IS UPSET PEOPLE DIDN'T

APPRECIATE HIS COSTUME.
LOOK, MAN, I'M SLAPPED CHRIS
ROCK.

IT'S FUNNY.
THIS IS A GENIUS COSTUME.
WHATEVER.

PEOPLE ARE DUMB.
OKAY.
AMAZING.

TINA.
NOW I RARELY GET STAR STRUCK,
BUT JUST BESIDE ME IS A STAPLE

OF POST HALLOWEENS EVERYWHERE.
IT'S A GUY THAT REALLY WANTS YOU
TO ASK ABOUT HIS COSTUME.

I SEE YOU CLAIM TO BE THE
SCARIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
AND WHAT IS THAT?

THE PATRIARCHY.
AND I SEE IT'S SPELLED WRONG.
YOU CLEARLY HOPED THIS COSTUME

WOULD GET YOU LAID.
HAS IT WORKED?
NO.

BUT THE NIGHT IS YOUNG.
HARD PASS.
DEAN.

DEAN.
TINA, WE'RE HOPING HE WOULD
SHOW UP TONIGHT, AND HE HAS.

WHAT UP?
WHAT UP?
SIGMA.

SIGMA.
SIGMA.
HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT?

I'M CHILLING, BRO.
SIGMA!
ALL RIGHT.

SIGMA.
NOW I HAVE TO ASK, HOW HAS THE
COSTUME GONE OVER?

I MEAN, THE VIBE I'M GETTING
IS PEOPLE WERE CHILL, LAUGHED
THEIR ASSES OFF.

WOMEN WHO ARE SMART ARE LIKE
DISGUSTED BY ME.
AND WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU

TONIGHT?
I'LL PROBABLY GET IN SOME
LEGAL TROUBLE OR SOMETHING, BUT

MY DAD WILL HANDLE THAT FOR ME.
YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN SCORE SOME
COKE?

SORRY, I DON'T.
NOT THE LAST TIME WE'LL BE
ASKED IF WE KNOW WHERE TO GET

COKE TONIGHT.
I'M HERE WITH A REAL HIGHLIGHT
OF THE POST HALLOWEEN SCENE, A

GUY WHO WAS IN A GROUP COSTUME
BUT LOST HIS FRIENDS.
MY FRIENDS AND I WENT AS THE

VILLAGE PEOPLE, AND NOW I CAN'T
FIND THEM.
NOW EVERYBODY THINKS I'M A REAL

COP, AND I'M NOT.
THIS IS A SQUIRT GUN.
IT'S FILLED WITH TEQUILA.

I NEED MY FRIENDS!
YIKES.
DEAN.

WELL, WE HEARD A RUMOR SHE
WOULD BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE.
IT'S AN IMPOSSIBLY DRUNK DORA

THE EXPLORER.
THIS IS FUN.
SHE'S -- WHOA!

SHE'S SO FADED, SHE'S ONLY
SAYING ONE THING, AND IT HAS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH

HER COSTUME.
TOM BRADY.
ONE MORE TIME.

TOM BRADY.
ALL RIGHT.
AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING TOM

BRADY.
TOM BRADY.
OKAY.

WELL, BEST OF LUCK TONIGHT, AND
I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR PANTS.
TINA.

OKAY.
WELL, I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING
TO STOP, BUT BEHIND ME, YOU CAN

SEE THE SOBER MIDDLE-AGED MAN
WHO IS TRYING TO WALK HIS DOG.
EXCUSE ME.

PEOPLE LIVE HERE.
THANK YOU!
DEAN.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU
DON'T NORMALLY SEE AT 3:00 A.M.,
IT'S A DAD WHO CLEARLY FORGOT TO

TAKE HIS KID TRICK OR TREATING
EARLIER.
GO ASK HIM FOR SOME CANDY.

I DON'T HAVE ANY.
I'M SORRY.
CAN I ASK WHY YOU HAVE A CHILD

OUT AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING?
YEAH.
YOU CAN ASK SHEILA.

SHE TEXTED ME AT 8:00 P.M.
SAYING I'M DROPPING HIM OFF, AND
I SAID, NOT MY WEEKEND, SHEILA.

I'M GETTING MY DRINK ON, SHEILA.
AND SHE SAID, IT IS YOUR
WEEKEND, WHICH IT TURNED OUT IT

WAS.
WE OUT HERE, SO IT'S FINE.
WHAT'S YOUR CHILD DRESSED AS?

OH, HE A CHIPOTLE BAG.
OH, THAT'S SO COOL, BUDDY!
YEAH.

WOW.
TINA.
WOW INDEED.

WELL, WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK,
BUT WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE AHEAD,
INCLUDING TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

IF THE GUY BEHIND ME IS DRESSED
AS DAHMER OR IS AN ACTUAL
PERVERT.

I VOTE FOR PERVERT.
PLUS MORE WITH OUR BAD DAD.
HEY, MAN.

I'M A GOOD DAD.
YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME
COKE?

COKE?
I DO NOT.
KEEP IT RIGHT HERE.

THE MIRROR AND I DIDN'T SEE
MYSELF ANYMORE.
I SAW A GUY WHO STEALS FROM HIS

OWN MOTHER FOR ANOTHER BOTTLE OF
BOOZE.
BUT I'M GRATEFUL FOR 90 DAYS

WITH NO DRINK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, SPENCER.
WHO ELSE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, JESSE?
YOU HAVE BEEN COMING FOR A
WHILE, AND YOU'VE NEVER SHARED

WITH THE GROUP.
WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING I
HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A

WHILE.
PLEASE.
YOU CAN TELL THIS GROUP

ANYTHING.
OKAY.
HERE IT GOES.

I HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA FOR A
PIXAR MOVIE.
WHAT'S THAT?

A CONCEPT FOR A TOUCHING
COMPUTER ANIMATED FILM THAT'S
ABOUT LOST LUGGAGE TRYING TO

FIND ITS WAY HOME.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S JUST STAY ON THE TOPIC OF

RECOVERY.
DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO SHARE?
JACKIE?

JACKIE, ALCOHOLIC.
HI, JACKIE.
ON TUESDAY, I DROVE TO A

LIQUOR STORE, AND I -- I'M
SORRY.
SO THE SUITCASES ALL HAVE

PERSONALITIES?
YEAH.
AND THE ZIPPERS ARE THEIR

MOUTHS.
I ACTUALLY MARKED UP SOME
ARTWORK.

SO THIS GUY IS THE MAIN
CHARACTER.
HE'S LIKE A REGULAR EVERYDAY

SUITCASE, AND THEN YOU GOT THE
BRIEFCASE GUY.
HE'S A LITTLE UPTIGHT, BUT HE'S

FUNNY.
THAT'S JASON BATEMAN.
I RITTERLY WROTE THAT.

AND THERE'S A GYM BAG.
DON'T TELL ME.
HIS NAME IS JIM.

IT IS.
AND MAYBE THERE CAN BE A LADY
SUITCASE WHO'S GOT, I DON'T

KNOW, BOOBS.
WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN LOOK
LIKE?

WELL, I DID MARK UP SOME
ARTWORK JUST NOW.
OH, AND MAYBE THERE'S A

MINION TYPE CHARACTER LIKE A
NECK PILLOW THAT GOES LIKE
BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP.

YOU'RE IN THE MOVIE.
WHOA.
CAN I BE IN THE MOVIE?

NO.
BUT GET THIS.
THERE'S THIS OTHER BAG, RIGHT?

PIERRE.
HE ACTS ALL CULTURED LIKE HE'S
BETTER THAN THEM.

I HATE THAT BAG.
RIGHT.
BUT LISTEN.

HALFWAY THROUGH, THIS BAG GIVES
AN EMOTIONAL SPEECH WHERE HE
OPENS UP, KIND OF LIKE US RIGHT

NOW.
I DRANK RECENTLY BY THE WAY.
WHAT?

ANYWAY, ANYWAY, THE BAG GOES,
SURE, I HAVE BEEN TO PARIS,
MILAN, TOKYO, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN

TO THE AIRPORTS AND HOTELS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE PLACES.
BUT THEN, AS THE CREDITS ROLL,

WE SEE PICTURES FROM ALL THESE
FAMOUS LANDMARKS.
THE BAGS TOOK PIERRE TO FINALLY

SEE THE WORLD.
I LOVE THAT BAG NOW.
WHAT ABOUT THE SONG?

WHAT?
WHAT?
ALL THESE MOVIES HAVE SOME

KIND OF BIG SONG, SOMETHING THEY
CAN SING AT THE OSCARS.
SHE'S RIGHT.

WHAT WOULD IT SOUND LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE --

* WHEN YOU LOST YOUR WAY, AND
YOU'RE FAR FROM HOME *
* TAKE FAITH IN NEW FRIENDS

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALONE *
* AND PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE *
* EVERYBODY'S GOT TO -- PACK

YOURSELF WITH LOVE *
* A SUITCASE WITH BOOBS *
* YOU MAY BE LOST BUT YOU CAN'T

GIVE UP HOPE *
* YOU GOT TO PACK YOURSELF WITH
LOVE *

I GUESS THE LAST QUESTION IS
WHO'S GOING TO PLAY THE MAIN
SUITCASE?

OUR EVERY MAN, OUR WOODY?
IS THIS AA?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M TOM H.
I'M HERE TO RESEARCH A ROLE AND
ALSO I MAY BE AN ALCOHOLIC.

YO, TOM.
IF YOU WERE A SUITCASE, WHAT
WOULD YOUR CATCH PHRASE BE?

HUH.
ASUITCASE.
WELL, I GUESS IT WOULD BE

SOMETHING LIKE, THAT REALLY
SNAGS MY ZIPPER!
YOU GOT THE PART!

* PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE,
EVERYBODY *
* PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE *

I'M GOING TO GET SOME MORE
POPCORN.
YOU WANT SOME?

SURE.
SOMETIMES, A FAMILIAR FACE
CAN BE THE MOST TERRIFYING.

IN POLITICAL NEWS, PRESIDENT
BIDEN HAS SAID HE INTENDS TO RUN
FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2024.

NO.
YOU TRUSTED HIM ONCE.
I KNOW HE'S A LITTLE OLD, BUT

HE CAN STILL WIN, RIGHT?
HE BEAT TRUMP.
BUT CAN HE BEAT DeSANTIS.

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW!
CAN WE TRUST HIM AGAIN?

HE'S 79 NOW.
ELECTION IS TWO YEARS.
SO THAT MEANS -- AHH!

WHEN IT FEELS LIKE NOTHING'S
GOING RIGHT --
GAS PRICES ARE STILL KIND OF

HIGH.
IT KIND OF IS.
WHY ARE WE SO WORRIED?

HE'S DONE SO MUCH!
BUT HE FELL OFF HIS BIKE
ONCE!

AHH!
ACCORDING TO THIS ARTICLE,
HE'S NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO RUN

IN 2024, HE'S JUST SAYING HE IS
TO PRESENT A UNITED FRONT BEFORE
THE MIDTERMS.

WHAT A RELIEF.
I MEAN, I LOVE THE GUY, BUT
HE DID HIS PART.

BUT IF BIDEN'S NOT GOING TO
RUN, WHO WILL.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE

TERROR WAS OVER --
I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,
KAMALA.

WAKE UP!
YOU REALIZE IT'S JUST
BEGINNING.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE.
CORY BOOKER!
HE'S CORY!

LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
FROM THE CREATORS OF SMILE
AND THE TWISTED MINDS OF MORNING

JOE.
AHH!
GUYS.

NOT AGAIN.
I HAVE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE.
BABE?

A SUPERSTAR WHO CAN GO ALL
THE WAY.
HILLARY.

AHH!
I'M WITH HER.
I'M WITH HER.

I'M WITH HER.
IT'S THE ONE YOU FEAR THE
MOST.

THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE.
BIDEN, MAYBE?
ARE WE BACK TO BIDEN.

I LIKE BIDEN.
SO BIDEN?
BIDEN'S GREAT, RIGHT?

BIDEN'S GREAT, RIGHT?
HE'S BIDEN.
2020 PART

PLACE.
IT'S GOT A GREAT REVIEW IN SAN
DIEGO MAGAZINE.

WELL, I AM STARVING.
ALL I NEED IS THE WAITER SO I
CAN GET MY GUAC ON.

HELLO.
WELCOME TO CASITA.
MY NAME IS DUKE SAINT SHOOT.

AND I AM EARL IS TWIRL JAZZ.
NICE.
WELL, WE WOULD LOVE TO START

WITH SOME TABLE SIDE GUAC.
WE'RE OUT OF AVOCADO,
CILANTRO, AND RED ONION

UNFORTUNATELY.
HOWEVER, HER HORNED UP TO
PREPARE YOU A FLIGHT OF TABLE

SIDE COCKTAILS THIS EVENING.
MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS.
THEY MAKE DRINKS RIGHT AT YOUR

TABLE.
I THINK WE JUST WANT FOOD.
SOLIDS CAN WAIT.

OUR FIRST COCKED CLASSIC
SCREWDRIVER WITH FLAIR -- HEY!
**

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.
YEAH.
AND YOU MISSED THE GLASSES A

LOT.
NEXT, WE WILL MAKE YOU A
CUSTOM BEVERAGE.

OH, I DON'T DRINK.
WELL, THEN WE CAN MAKE YOU A
VAGIDO.

WHAT IS A VAGIDO?
DID THEY MEAN MOHITO?
CONCOCTION NUMBER TWO, HIT

IT!
**
ALL RIGHT.

REALLY WORKING THOSE NAPKINS,
HUH?
HERE WE GO.

BIG FINISH.
BIG FINISH.
DOESN'T MATTER.

WERE WE SUPPOSED TO CATCH
THOSE?
YEAH.

THAT WASN'T EVEN VIRGIN.
I SAW YOU PUT RUM IN IT.
AT LEAST WE GOT TO HEAR THAT

SONG AGAIN.
SHOUTOUT TO OUR DJ.
HE'S A BUSBOY.

EVERYONE IN HERE IS LUCKY AS
HELL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL HAVE?

A NEGROII WITH PERSECO IN THEM.
WE DON'T MAKE THOSE.
YEAH, WE DON'T BEND TO

LESBIAN TIKTOK.
YO, DUKE, EARL, MAKE THEM A
LONG BROWN.

WHAT ON EARTH IS A LONG
WRONG.
GIN AND NESQUICK.

CONCOCTION NUMBER THREE, HERE
WE GO!
DOESN'T MATTER.

WE GOT THE TABLE.
DOESN'T MATTER.
IT ACTUALLY DOES MATTER.

THERE'S GLASS EVERYWHERE.
OKAY.
WOW.

Y'ALL HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
EXCUSE ME?
MAYBE YOU'LL REMEMBER US NOW.

YOU WEREN'T WEARING
MUSTACHES.
WE FORGOT TO PUT THEM ON.

BUT WE SERVED YOU IN 2017.
WE MADE YOU ALL DELICIOUS
MARGARITAS.

AND YOU SAID --
THIS ISN'T A MARGARITA.
IT'S A MOUNTAIN DEW.

RIGHT.
YOU GUYS IMMEDIATELY STARTED
CRYING.

THE POINT IS YOU LIT A FIRE
UNDER OUR ASSES.
AND WE TRAINED FOR FIVE YEARS

TO COME BACK HERE AND PROVE TO
YOU THAT WE ARE THE BEST
BARTENDERS IN THE WORLD.

MASHED AVOCADO WITH CILANTRO
AND RED ONIONS.
SO YOU DO HAVE GUAC.

SO YOU DO HAVE GUAC.
MORE VAGIDOS.
**

HARLOW.
[ APPLAUSE ]
**

* I KNOW OF THAT YOU SICK
OF BEING MY LITTLE SECRET *
* I KNOW THAT YOU SICK

OF BEING MY FAVORITE *
* I KNOW THAT YOU HATE
THE FACT THAT I'M FAMOUS *

* HATE THE FACT THAT
YOU GOTTA WAIT *
* BUT YOU GONNA WAIT

WHY *
* 'CAUSE YOU CONFIDENT
THAT WE SOUL MATES *

* I TOLD MY THERAPIST
ABOUT YOU *
* SHE ALWAYS TAKES

YOUR SIDE *
* AIN'T NOBODY I LOVE MORE
I JUST NEED MORE TIME *

* SPENDING TIME WITH
SOMEBODY ELSE *
* AND I GET TO WISHIN'

THAT SHE WAS YOU *
* ANY GIRL CAN BE BEAUTIFUL
BUT NOT ANY GIRL CAN

JUST BE IN TUNE *
* AND YOU SO IN TUNE
YOU UNDERSTAND ME *

* I MAKE YOU LAUGH
AND YOU SAY TO ME
THAT YOU CAN'T STAND ME *

* YOU SOUL FOOD
AND YOU EYE CANDY *
* I WANT TO MEET

YOU IN MIAMI *
* I WANT YOU TO
MEET MY FAMILY *

* AND I KNOW THAT YOU SICK
OF BEIN' MY LITTLE SECRET *
* I KNOW THAT YOU SICK

OF BEIN' MY FAVORITE *
* I KNOW THAT YOU HATE
THE FACT THAT I'M FAMOUS *

* HATE THE FACT THAT
YOU GOTTA WAIT
BUT YOU GONNA WAIT *

* CAUSE YOU CONFIDENT
WE SOUL MATES *
* I TOLD MY THERAPAIST

ABOUT YOU *
* SHE ALWAYS TAKES
YOUR SIDE *

* AIN'T NOBODY I LOVE MORE
I JUST NEED MORE TIME *
**

* I BEEN A
G *
* THROW UP THE

L *
* SEX IN THE
A.M.

UH-HUH *
* O-R-O-U-S
YEAH *

* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS *
* WHERE

UP IN THE SKY *
* I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS, *

UP IN THE, UP-UP IN THE *
* I CAN SEE THE WHOLE CITY
FROM THIS BALCONY *

* BACK IN 2019,
I WAS OUTSIDE FREELY *
* BUT NOW THEY GOT IT

OUT FOR ME *
* I DON'T CARE WHAT FRAT
THEY WAS IN *

* YOU CAN'T ALPHA ME
KEEP DREAMIN' *
* PINEAPPLE JUICE

I GIVE HER SWEET
SWEET, SWEET *
* I KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE

SO I JUST KEEP CHEESIN' *
* HARD DRIVE FULL
OF HEAT SEEKIN' *

* TRYNA COME
THE SAME DAY AS JACK
RETHINK IT *

* YOU DON'T NEED GIVENCHY
YOU NEED JESUS *
* WHY DO Y'ALL SLEEP ON ME

I NEED REASONS *
* I GOT PLAQUES IN THE MAIL
PEAK SEASON *

* SHOUT OUT TO MY UPS
WORKERS MAKIN' SURE
I RECEIVE 'EM *

* YOU CAN DO IT TOO
BELIEVE IT *
* 'CAUSE I BEEN A

G *
* THROW UP THE
(L *

* SEX IN THE
A.M.
UH-HUH *

* O-R-O-U-S
YEAH *
* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN

FIRST CLASS *
* WHERE
UP IN THE SKY *

* I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS *
* UP IN THE

UP-UP IN THE *
ARE YOU READY?
YES, I AM * THEY SAY

YOU A SUPERSTAR NOW *
* DAMN
I GUESS I AM *

* YOU MIGHT BE THE MAN
WELL, THAT'S UNLESS I AM
OKAY, I'LL CONFESS I AM *

* GO AHEAD AND
GET UNDRESSED
I AM *

* OKAY COOL
YOU ON SUNSET
I AM *

* I'M 'BOUT TO SLIDE
OKAY, I'M OUTSIDE, OKAY *
* THIS LIFESTYLE DON'T

GOT MANY DOWNSIDES *
* 'CEPT FOR THE LACK
OF TIME I GET 'ROUND MY *

* FAMILY, MAKIN' SURE
THEY NEVER DOWNSIZE *
* I GOT VISIONS OF MY MOM

SAYIN', WAIT
THIS HOUSE MINE *
* CAN'T LIE

I'M ON ANGUS CLOUD NINE *
* I GOT 'EM ON THE
BANDWAGON NOW

'BOUT TIME *
* I AIN'T EVEN GOT
NO DOWNTIME M

* EVERY TIME I SPEAK
SHE SAY
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS FINE *

* BECAUSE I BEEN A
G *
* THROW UP THE

L *
* SEX IN THE
A.M.

THAT'S RIGHT, LIKE *
* O-R-O-U-S
YEAH *

* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS *
* WHERE

UP IN THE SKY *
* I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS *

* UP IN THE
UP-UP IN THE *
* G-L

A-M *
* O-R-O-U-S
YEAH *

* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS *
* UP IN THE SKY

I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS *
**

FIRST CLASS *
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
I'M MY WHICH HE WILL CHE.

I'M COLIN JOST.
EXCUSE ME.
ELON MUSK OFFICIALLY BOUGHT

TWITTER FOR $44 BILLION BEATING
OUT THE NEXT HIGHEST OFFER OF
$0.

MUSK SENT AN OPEN LETTER TO
ADVERTISERS SAYING HE DOESN'T
WANT TWITTER TO BECOME A FREE

FOR ALL HELL SKYPE BECAUSE
THAT'S HIS PLAN FOR MARS.
I HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

PEOPLE ARE SO WORRIED ELON IS
GOING TO RUIN TWITTER AS IF IT'S
THIS BELOVED AMERICAN

INSTITUTION.
IT'S NOT LIKE HE BOUGHT DISNEY
WORLD.

IT'S LIKE HE BOUGHT THE REST OF
ORLANDO.
HER VERY WELL WAUNGER DENIED

ALLEGATIONS FROM A SECOND WOMAN
THAT HE PUSHED HER TO HAVE AN
ABORTION SAYING, I'M DONE WITH

THIS FOOLISHNESS, WHICH IS ALSO
WHAT WALKER SAYS WHEN HE TAKES
OFF THE CONDEMN.

THE WOMAN CLAIMS THAT WALKER
DROVE HER TO AN ABORTION CLINIC,
AND WHILE HE WAS IN THE PARKING

LOT, HE GOT TWO MORE WOMEN
PREGNANT.
JOHN FATTERMAN WHO'S STILL

RECOVERING FROM A STROKE AND
DR. OZ MET FOR THEIR ONLY DEBATE
BEFORE THE MIDTERMS, AND JUST

LIKE IN HIS PUPPY EXPERIMENTS,
DR. OZ SHOWED NO MERCY.
PET FETTERMAN BEGAN HIS OPENING

STATEMENT BY SAYING, GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYBODY.
IT'S A BIZARRE MOMENT THAT

DEBATE WATCHERS CALLED HIS HIGH
POINT.
I HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

FETTERMAN WAS ALLOWED TO DO THIS
DEBATE.
WHO'S HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER?

THE MIAMI DOLPHINS CONCUSSION
MANAGER?
IT'S NOT LIKE DR. OZ DID GREAT.

HE JUST DID SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN
A RECENT STROKE VICTIM.
AT ONE POINT, DR. OZ SUGGESTED

IF A WOMAN WANTS AN ABORTION,
SHE SHOULD CONSULT A LOCAL
POLITICIAN, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A

GREAT WAY TO GET AN ABORTION
FIVE MINUTES LATE AND WAY OUT OF
BUDGET.

THIS MY FIRST THOUGHT WHEN I
HEARD A GUY MARCHED INTO NANCY
PELOSI'S HOUSE WITH A HAMMER,

WAS, WAS IT KANYE?
ADIDAS SAID IT WILL STOP MAKING
YEEZY SHOES.

FANS SAY IT'S THE WORST THING TO
HAPPEN TO THEM SINCE ANY PUDDLE.
KANYE WEST ALSO PROBABLY CLOSED

DONZA ACADEMY, WHICH IS A
PRIVATE SCHOOL WHICH ANNOUNCES
PARENTS TO SIGN NONDISCLOSURE

AGREEMENTS.
WAIT, WE CAN DO NDAs, SAID
CATHOLIC PRIESTS.

IS IT JUST ME OR DID HALF THE
COMPANY THAT IS DROPPED KANYE
SOUND FAKE?

I SAW THE HEADLINE, TJ MAX CUTS
TIES WITH KANYE.
I'M LIKE, DID KANYE KNOW HE

WORKED FOR TJ MAX.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ANNOUNCE YOU
WERE CUTTING TIES.

WE DIDN'T NEED PELOTON TO
ANNOUNCE, WE'RE NO LONGER
PLAYING KANYE'S MUSIC.

THANKS, NOW WE CAN REST EASY
KNOWING WE WON'T HEAR GOLD
DIGGER.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I STARTED
GETTING EXCITED ABOUT WHO IS
GOING TO ANNOUNCE NEXT.

DIPPING DOTS WILL NO LONGER
WORK -- SCRUB DADDY WILL NO
LONGER -- TCBY WILL NOW WATCH

THEIR CONE MENU, FEATURING THE
NEW FLAVOR, NOUGETS IN PRETZELS.
BUT THE CRAZIEST ONE, WHICH IS

SOMEHOW REAL, SOMEHOW REAL, IS
THAT GOOD WILL DROPPED KANYE.
THEY WILL NO LONGER -- THEY WILL

NO LONGER ACCEPT DONATIONS OF
KANYE'S CLOTHING, WHICH IS
IRONIC, BECAUSE KANYE'S LOST

ENOUGH MONEY THAT HE MIGHT NEED
THEM.
RASHEED SUNAK WILL BECOME

GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST PRIME
MINISTER OF INDIAN DECENT.
SAID HIS MOM, WHY NOT KING?

DURING A WHITE HOUSE
CEREMONY, PRESIDENT BIDEN WISHED
KAMALA HARRIS A HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

THEN ACCIDENTALLY CALLED HER A
GREAT PRESIDENT.
EVEN WORSE, HE WAS TALKING TO A

PORTRAIT OF MICHELLE OBAMA.
THE POSTAL SERVICE ANNOUNCED
A NEW STAMP HONORING RUTH BADER

GINSBURG.
THERE'S ALSO A STAMP HONORING
CLARENCE THOMAS THAT SAYS, FLIP

ME OVER AND START LICKING.
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT
DURING THE PANDEMIC, STUDENTS'

MATH SCORES DROPPED BY ALMOST
10%.
WOW, SO MORE THAN HALF.

THE WORLD'S LARGEST
SUSPENSION BRIDGE HAS OPENED IN
MITCH.

FOR NOW, SAID BEAVERS.
POLICE IN QUEENS WERE
SEARCHING FOR A SUSPECT WHO

HIJACKED A BUS AND THEN
IMMEDIATELY CRASHED IT INTO A
UTILITY POLE.

OKAY.
SO WE KNOW IT'S A WOMAN.
THAT'S GREAT.

VIRGIN AUSTRALIA IS TRYING
TO GET PEOPLE TO CHOOSE THE
MIDDLE SEAT BY ENROLLING THOSE

PEOPLE OVER 200,000 IN PRIZES.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SPIRIT
AIRLINES IS OFFERING A FREE BAG

OF CARROTS IF YOU SIT IN THE
BATHROOM.
POLICE IN ENGLAND ARE NOW

USING SPECIALLY TRAINED TO GOES
TO DETECT SEE MEN AT CRIME
SCENES, REPLACING THE OLD METHOD

SCENES, REPLACING THE OLD METHOD
OF DETECTING SEE MEN, SLIPPING
ON IT.

COUNTRY ARE GETTING READY FOR
PARTIES AND TRICK OR TREATING.
HERE IS OUR OWN DRUNK UNCLE.

GOOD SAVE.
GOOD SAVE.
THIS IS HALLOWEEN!

THIS IS HALLOWEEN!
HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN!
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!
OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY IT'S ALL

HALLOW'S EVE ANYMORE.
YOU GOT TO CALL IT ALL HALLOW'S
STEVE.

UGH.
I DON'T THINK YOU DO.
SO DRUNK UNCLE, YOU SAY YOU'RE

READY FOR HALLOWEEN.
HALLOWEEN IS SOCIALISM,
COLIN.

THESE KIDS TODAY, THEY DON'T
EVEN WORK HARD JOBS NO MORE.
YOU KNOW?

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WERE SHOE
SHINE, CHIMNEY SWEEPS, EXTRA,
EXTRA PAPER BOYS.

NOWADAYS, IT'S JUST, COULD YOU
INSTACART ME SOME MOCHI?
WHAT?

I'M SORRY.
CAN YOU MIND CRAFT MY META
VERSE, PLEASE?

NO.
YOU BE REAL.
ALL RIGHT.

WELL, SO I GUESS YOU'RE NOT
EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN.
TOM WAS TOO GOOD FOR GISELLE.

OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU -- WHAT DO YOU --
TIKTOK DANCE.

TIKTOK DANCE.
YOU LIKE IT.
I DO.

I DO.
THE WHOLE THING'S FALLING
APART, COLIN!

OKAY?
EVERYBODY'S QUIET QUITTING NOW.
QUIET QUITTING?

THEY'RE QUIET QUITTING.
EXCUSE ME.
I QUIT.

EXCUSE ME, I QUIT.
WE USED TO QUIT LOUD BECAUSE
THEY HIRED A LADY MANAGER AND WE

WERE SCARED.
AND ALSO A FEW -- A COUPLE OF
THOSE IMMIGRANTES ILLEGADO.

IT'S-A-ME, CHRIS PRATT!
NOT MY MARIO.
DRUNK UNCLE.

YEAH, I WAS THERE ON JANUARY
6th.
WHAT?

* TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT, I DON'T
WANT TO LET YOU BEEP, BEEP,
SHINE BEEP, BEEP *

OH, OH, NO, OH, DRUNK UNCLE.
SO I'M NOT LYLE, LYLE
CROCODILE, OKAY?

SO I DIDN'T GRADUATE FROM ABBOTT
ELEMENTARY, OKAY?
SO I'LL NEVER BE BEYOND BURGERS,

OKAY?
NEVER.
BIG LIKE A QUARTER POUNDER, PILL

LAY-O-FISH, HAPPY MEAL.
JFK, BLOWN AWAY, WHAT ELSE DO I
HAVE TO SAY?

THAT'S NOT ME.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANYONE.
DONDA?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT
KANYE.
OH, YES, I MOST CERTAINLY DO,

COLIN.
I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO A WHOLE
LOT OF WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.

OH, NO.
AND GUESS WHAT?
I THINK HE MIGHT BE CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF TALK
DOESN'T FLY ANYMORE, SETH.
I LEARNED A LOT.

I LEARNED A LOT -- WHAT DID I
SAY?
I LEARNED A LOT DURING THE PAN

DEMI MOORE, OKAY?
I KNOW THAT BLACK ADAMS MATTER.
OKAY?

I SAW BROS IN THEATERS, PAL.
OKAY?
AND NO HOMO, IT WAS GREAT.

OKAY?
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, AND I'LL
SAY IT AGAIN.

GAY GUYS ARE STILL FUNNIER THAN
WOMEN.
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?

ELON.
ELON WHO?
I DON'T KNOW.

BUT HE JUST MADE ME CEO OF
TWITTER.
DRUNK

FINALLY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAD TO WAIT
AN HOUR AND A HALF FOR A STUPID

RIDE.
I CAN.
CELL BLOCK 666 IS SUPPOSED TO

BE THE SCARIEST RIDE IN FRIGHT
NIGHT'S HISTORY.
THERE'S ALL THESE TIKTOKS OF

PEOPLE PASSING OUT AND PUKING.
IF I PASS OUT, DON'T HELP ME,
FILM IT, AND POST IT, PLEASE.

HELLO, AND HELL COME TO CELL
BLOCK 666.
RIGHT THIS WAY.

OH, MY GOD.
I'M ALREADY SCARED.
YOU ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON A

TERRIFYING TOUR OF THIS
PETRIFYING PRISON WHERE EACH
CELL HOLDS AN ICONIC FRIGHT FROM

THE SILVER SCREEN.
LET THE TOUR BEGIN.
WE ARE APPROACHING OUR FIRST

STOP.
TIME TO MEET THE SIN MATES.
OPEN CELL 600.

RUN!
AHH!
YO, MICHAEL MYERS JUST MADE

ME LOW-KEY JUMP.
THIS RIDE IS AWESOME.
ONLY TIME WILL HELL.

THE NEXT CELL IS UPON US.
OPEN CELL 661.
MY NAME IS ANNA BELL, CAN YOU

PLAY WITH ME?
NO.
I HATE ANNA BELL.

I CAN'T WITH THAT LITTLE BITCH.
YO, I REALLY MIGHT PASS OUT
FOR REAL.

HAVE YOUR PHONES READY.
YOU'LL NEVER BE READY FOR THE
HORROR THAT YOU'LL FIND IN CELL

662!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M DAVID PUMPKIN, AND I'M

GOING TO SCARE YOU STUPID.
**
ANY QUESTIONS?

ARE YOU SHAKING IN YOUR
BOOTS?
NO.

I'VE SEEN LIKE EVERY HORROR
MOVIE EVER, AND NONE OF THEM HAD
DAVID PUMPKINS IN IT.

I WAS KIND OF FEELING DAVID
PUMPKINS, THOUGH.
NICE CHANGE OF PACE.

SILENCE!
A NEW CELL OF TERROR AWAITS.
OPEN CELL 663.

YOU'VE FLOWN TOO HOT!
YEAH, SEE, PENNYWISE MAKES
SENSE BECAUSE HE WAS IN A HORROR

MOVIE.
BABE, IT'S JUST A RIDE.
I JUST WANT IT TO BE

CONSISTENT.
THE NEXT SIN MATE IS DYING TO
MEET YOU.

OPEN CELL 664.
NO.
WHO ARE YOU?

I'M DAVID PUMPKINS, MAN.
RIGHT.
DAVID PUMPKINS FROM?

BEFORE.
WE KNOW!
I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO KNOW

WHAT YOUR DEAL IS.
ANNA BELL IS A POSSESSED DOLL.
DAVID PUMPKINS IS?

TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
AND THE SKELETONS ARE?
NEXT TO HIM.

NOW, WATCH THIS.
**
WHAT'S MY NAME?

DAVID S. PUMPKINS.
AND WHERE AM I FROM?
IBISA.

PRE GUNTA?
SI.
MUCHO.

HE'S FROM SPAIN?
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ACCENT.
YO.

HE SAID HE WAS FROM THERE.
DOESN'T MEAN HE GREW UP THERE.
LET HIM WRITE HIS OWN STORY.

STOP TAKING DAVID PUMPKIN'S
SIDE, DUDE.
DAVID S. PUMPKINS, BABE.

OUR NEXT STOP IS DEAD AHEAD.
OPEN CELL 665.
THE STAR OF YOUR NIGHTMARES

IS -- DAVID PUMPKIN.
**
YO, I DIDN'T SEE DAVID

PUMPKINS COMING, MAN.
THAT WAS FIRE.
WHY ARE YOU SO ON BOARD WITH

DAVID PUMPKINS?
BABE, JUST IGNORE HIM.
I CAN'T.

HE'S HOST OF THIS RIDE.
SIR, WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DAVID
PUMPKINS IN THIS?

WE SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON
PENNYWISE AND FREDDIE KREUGER.
THERE WASN'T A LOT OF ROOM IN

THE BUDGET.
NOW, WE'RE HERE.
THE INFAMOUS CELL 666.

WHY IS IT JUST YOU GUYS NOW?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
**

YUMMY, DADDY.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM US.
AND ME!

AND ME!
OH, MY GOD!
**

[ APPLAUSE ]
**
* MY PET PEEVE IS

A CAMERA IN MY FACE
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF PERSONAL SPACE *

* I WALK AROUND TOWN
IN A HOODIE AND SOME SHADES
BUT NOW THEY STARTIN'

TO RECOGNIZE THE SHADES *
* EVEN IF YOU HATE ME
YOU WOULD TRADE

YOU WOULD LIVE THIS LIFE TOO
CAUSE I GOT IT MADE *
* I LIKE MY BED MADE

SOON ENOUGH, I'LL HAVE A MAID
WHEN I BUY A HOUSE
EVERY SURFACE GON BE SUEDE *

* BUT FOR NOW
I GOT A CONCIERGE DOWNSTAIRS
ALL MY NEIGHBORS

ARD· GRAY-HAIRED *
* THEY DON'T RECOGNIZD· ME
AND I DON'T THINK

THEY CARE *
* BUT MY POSTMATES
CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT I STAY HERE *
* I WANNA GO BACK
TO KENTUCKY *

* AND SHUT DOWN
THE STATE FAIR *
VISIT MY OLD TEACHERS

AND TELL 'EM TO TAKE CARE *
* I MIGHT TAKE A WHIP
INSTEAD OF PAYIN'

THE PLANE FARE *
* I STILL REMEMBER
THE WAY THERE

AIN'T A GIRL IN MY HOMETOWN
I CAN'T HAVE NOW *
* BUY A BUILDING IN CASH

AIN'T PUTTIN' HALF DOWN
THE HATE USED TO GET TO ME
I JUST LAUGH NOW *

* YEAH, THEY WITH
JACK NOW *
* LOOK HOW THEY ACT NOW

LOOK HOW THEY ACT NOW
LOOK HOW THEY ACT NOW
THEY ROCKING WITH JACK NOW.

THEY ROCKING WITH YOUR BOY.
* LET ME HEAR YOU ONE TIME.
TALK TO ME.

* BABY, I'M COMIN' HOME
I KNOW THE KIDS MISS ME
I NEED SOME TIME WITH

MY FRIENDS TO SIP WHISKEY *
* I SPENT THE LAST
TWELVE MONTHS LOCKED IN

BUT TONIGHT
I'M CONTENT WITH EXISTING *
* 2015, WE WAS ON

THAT PEN GRIFFEY
I WANTED WHAT HE HAD
BUT THE SHOES *

* DIDN'T FIT ME *
* NOW THE CITY WITH ME
AND I GOT THE KIDS LISTENING

AND I'M A SMOOTH OPERATOR
BY INSTINCT *
* WORD TO SADE, WALKIN'

'ROUND BROAD DAY *
* LIKE HEY WITH
THE WINDOWS DOWN

I'M ON BROADWAY *
* AND IT WAS JUST A DAY AGO
I WAS IN DIEGO

LIKE THE DAMN PADRES *
* NOW I'M AT MY GRANDPARENTS
LETTIN' MY GRANDPA SAY

WHAT HE WANTS TO SAY *
* CAUSE NOWADAYS
I'M IN THE PAPER ONCE A DAY

AND IT AIN'T ALWAYS POSITIVE
IT'S A BUNCH OF THINGS *
* BUT MAN, I DONE

GRADUATED FROM YOUNGER DAYS
AND IF I AIN'T *
* RUNNIN' THINGS

SOON I'LL BE RUNNIN' THINGS *
* I'M AN ARTIST, MAN
YOU JUST MAKE FUN OF THINGS

I'M THE HARDEST, MAN *
* Y'ALL DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY *

* THIS ALBUM'S A MUSEUM
SO PLEASE DON'T TOUCH A THING
IT'S OKAY TO GIVE ME PROPS

DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A PAIN *
* IT'S OKAY TO GIVE ME TOP
DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A THING

DON'T GET OFFENDED IF WE MET
AND I SAY WHAT'S YOUR NAME *
* I BEEN FLYIN' ROUND THE

COUNTRY FOR THREE *
* HUNDRED DAYS
BUT I AIN'T 'BOUT TO JUSTIFY

HOW I ADJUST TO FAME *
* THE FAME, FROM THE JUMP
WE AIN'T BEEN CUT THE SAME

I GOT SO MUCH BUT I STILL
THINK ABOUT WHATS OBTAINED *
* NEVER BEEN THE TYPE

FOR WANTIN' THINGS
I WANT POWER
* I WANT MY LIFE TO SPEED UP

A COUPLE MILES PER HOUR
I WANT MY DOGS TO KNOW
THAT THIS IS OURS *

* I WANT RESPECT
I DON'T WANT FLOWERS
I KNOW THEY GON QUOTE THIS *

* THE FLOW DON'T
MAKE NO SENSE *
* THE POCKET IS POTENT

IT USED TO BE POTENTIAL
BUT NOW IT'S SOME GROWN *
* DAMN, THAT BOY FLOATIN'

HE TREAT THEM BEATS
LIKE THEY OCEANS *
* ALL THESE PEOPLE WANNA

GREET LIKE WE OLD FRIENDS
I AIN'T HOLDIN' BACK
TELL THE MEDIA HOLD THIS *

* I KNOW I SAID I MISS YOU
BUT I SECRETLY DON'T MISS
I GOT STORIES AND I'M BRINGIN

EM HOME WITH ME *
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HELLO, I'M WHOOPI GOLDBERG,
AND I'M TECHNICALLY NOT THE STAR
OF THE VIEW, BUT I AM THE ONLY

ONE HERE WHO HAS EVER BEEN ASKED
FOR AN AUTOGRAPH.
AS ALWAYS, I'M JOINED BY THE

PIPPEN TO MY JORDAN, JOY BAY
HART.
COME ON, I'M RODMAN.

TELL ME I'M NOT RODMAN.
I KNOW YOU'VE RUINED SOME
HOTEL ROOMS IN VEGAS, THAT'S FOR

SURE.
WE'RE ALSO HERE WITH A COUPLE
MEMBERS OF THE B TEAM.

THANK YOU, WHOOPI.
VERY NICE.
ANYWAY, SOME OF YOU MAY RECALL

ON MONDAY, OUR INTERVIEW WITH
TED CRUZ WAS INTERRUPTED BY
CLIMATE CHANGE PROTESTS.

BUT TODAY WE ARE LOOKING
FORWARD TO A MORE UPBEAT EPISODE
WITH A VERY EXCITING GUEST.

PLEASE WELCOME JACK HARLOW!
THANKS FOR COMING, JACK.
HEY, LADIES, THANKS FOR

HAVING ME.
CAN I JUST SAY, WHOP PI.
IT'S AN HONOR.

YOU ARE AN ICON.
DON'T COMPLIMENT ME ALL QUIET
LIKE THAT, JACK.

I HAVE BEEN CLOSED FOR BUSINESS
SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
WELL, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO

THE GRAND REOPENING.
NO.
I'M A DEAD WOMAN WALKING.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE TO
OUR GUEST, BUT THERE IS
SOMETHING I WANTED TO SAY --

NO, NO.
WE'RE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.
THEY CAME TO THE SHOW TALKING

ABOUT STOP BIG OIL.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
IT'S AN IMPORTANT ISSUE,

WHOOPI.
HOW?
I DON'T KNOW HIM.

SAVE THE PLANET.
I'M ALREADY SAVING OUR RATINGS.
WHOOPI.

JACK, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S ALL GOOD.
WHOOPI, IS IT THE GLOBAL

WARMING, OR IS IT GETTING HOT IN
HERE?
BABY, PLEASE.

WE WOULD NEVER WORK.
THE ONLY MCs I NEED IN MY LIFE
ARE MY CATS AND MY CIGARETTES.

CAN I JUST SAY, PERSONALLY, I
THINK WE SHOULD SPEAK ABOUT
CLIMATE CHANGE.

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART, BUT WE
MOVED ON.
BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, THE

ONE AND ONLY BLACK HARLOW.
STOP PLAYING WITH ME.
IT'S JUST JACK.

I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU,
DON'T YOU THINK THE WOMEN IN
YOUR VIDEOS ARE OBJECTIFYING TO

WOMEN?
OH, PLEASE.
THEY TOOK THE DAMN ROLE.

SO JK WAB WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I GUESS I'LL JUST SAY THERE'S
A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN MY

VIDEOS.
RIGHT NOW, WHAT I NEED MOST IS A
WOMAN.

OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING
TO DO TO ME.

BUT IT IS WORKING.
I'M FEELING LIKE INDIANA JONES
JUST STEPPED ON A BOOBIE TRAP,

BECAUSE MY WHOLE DUSTY CAVE HAS
STARTED TO RUMBLE.
I LIKE THAT MOVIE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD WATCH IT
TOGETHER SOMETIME.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF

SNAKES.
OKAY, JACK.
AM I SENSING A METAPHOR?

WHOOPI, I'VE MET A LOT OF
FOURS, BUT TODAY, I'VE MET A
TEN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
SO THE SNAKE WAS ABOUT HIS --
OH, MY GOD!

WELL, JOY, I AM WET.
AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
TODAY, FOLKS.

AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
TODAY, FOLKS.
BRING IT TO MAMA.

WE WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO

TOM HANKS!
BOBBY MOYNIHAN!

AND JEFF PROBST.
AND LITERALLY, LITERALLY,

EVERYONE BEHIND ME.
THANK YOU.

I HAD A GREAT TIME THIS WEEK.
THIS IS GENUINELY A DREAM COME

TRUE.
I GREW UP WATCHING THIS.

I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.