Original subtitles

>>> HELLO, AMERICA.

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING OUT AT TARGET, STABBING IS BACK, AND THE ONLY THING TO CHEER US UP IS

WATCHING A SEXY SHOW ABOUT JEFFREY DAHMER.

TONIGHT, I’M HERE TO PUSH US OVER AS WE PLAY "SO YOU THINK YOU WON’T SNAP."

THAT’S RIGHT. I’M YOUR HOST, MORGAN FREEGIRL. TONIGHT WE FOUND THE ONLY PEOPLE

IN AMERICA WHO HAVE NOT YET SNAPPED. LET’S MEET ’EM.

IT’S HEATHER, KAYLA, DALE, AND HENRY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE GAME IS SIMPLE. I’LL READ REAL STORIES FROM THE NEWS AND IF YOU KEEP YOUR COOL,

YOU’LL WIN BIG MONEY. ALL RIGHT, HEATHER, YOU’RE UP FIRST IN THE HOT SPOT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEATHER, YOU ARE A MUSIC PROFESSOR AND WHITE YOGA TEACHER

IN BURLINGTON, VERMONT. >> YES, I’M JUST KIND OF A CHILL PERSON, SO I PROMISE YOU’RE NOT

GONNA GET ME. >> WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT. WELL, WE’VE GOT 30 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, I’M GONNA READ YOU SOME HEADLINES. TO TELL IF YOU’VE HIT YOUR

BREAKING POINT, YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU A "TODAY SHOW" SIZED GLASS OF WINE.

>> OH, YEAH, I’M NOT GONNA DRINK THAT. I’VE BEEN SOBER FOR 15 YEARS.

>> LOVE THAT CONFIDENCE. LET’S PLAY. LET’S START WITH UKRAINE.

>> GREAT. >> A MASSIVE BRIDGE EXPLOSION TODAY CUT OFF THE RUSSIAN SUPPLY

CHAIN. >> I SAW THAT. HOPEFULLY IT BRINGS THIS WAR ONE

STEP CLOSER TO AN END. BIDEN SAID WE WERE CLOSER TO

NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON THAN WE’VE BEEN IN 60 YEARS. >> DON’T KNOW WHERE TO PUT THAT

IN MY BRAIN, BUT I LOVE BIDEN. >> TOTALLY. ME, TOO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD HE IS? DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN JOE BIDEN WAS BORN, WE DIDN’T HAVE

HIGHWAYS? >> THAT -- THAT’S A FUN FACT. >> AND JOE BIDEN WAS

53-YEARS-OLD WHEN HE GOT HIS FIRST HOME COMPUTER. >> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

>> I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING. YOU NEED A SIP OF THAT WINE? >> NO.

I’M TOTALLY GOOD. >> WELL, YOUR NEXT ITEM IS A VIDEO CLUE.

PLEASE ENJOY THIS CLIP OF BIDEN TALKING ABOUT HIS MENTAL ACUITY. >> HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR MENTAL

FOCUS IS? >> OH, IT IS FOCUSED. [ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK -- I THINK IT’S -- I -- I HAVEN’T -- LOOK. >> OH.

AND THAT’S A SNAP. >> MM, MAMA MISSED YOU. >> UP NEXT IS KAYLA.

KAYLA, GET IN THE HOT SPOT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WELCOME, KAYLA.

YOU SAID YOU ARE A MOM, AND ARE "PICKLEBALL CURIOUS." >> YEAH, YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.

I’M BLESSED WITH FOUR BEAUTIFUL TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

>> MM-HM, RIGHT. WELL, NEXT TO YOU IS TRACY, A FLIGHT ATTENDANT FOR FRONTIER

AIRLINES, AND IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN HIT HER. >> HELLO.

>> WHAT? OH, GOSH, NO. I -- I DON’T HIT PEOPLE.

>> THEY GET HIT ALL THE TIME, THERE MUST BE A GOOD REASON. LET’S PLAY.

LET’S START WITH THE GEORGIA SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER.

>> OH, OH, THE FOOTBALL PLAYER. I -- I LIKE HIM, HE’S GOT MY VOTE.

>> DO YOU WATCH THE NEWS? >> NEVER.

>> UM, I GUESS SO. DID YOU KNOW THATF 0% OF KIDS WHEN THEY GROW UP SAY THEY WANT

TO BE INFLUENCER. MY KIDS ARE SERIOUS.

>> AND SO NOW, LET’S LOOK AT A TRAILER FROM CHRIS PRATT. >> MUSHROOM KINGDOM, HERE WE

COME. >> HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ITALIAN. THAT IS HIS WHOLE THING.

>> OH, IT WAS INEVITABLE. WELL, IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT CONTESTANT.

GET UP HERE, DALE. >> HELLO.

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF BIDEN’S NEW WEED POLICY, AND YOU HAD SEX RIGHT BEFORE COMING ON THE SHOW?

>> YES, I SURE DID. GOD BLESS AMERICA. >> DALE, FOR YOUR ROUND, A

NUMBER OF SWEETS BEFORE YOU IF YOU SURVIVE YOUR ROUND. ELON MUSK --

>> OH, THAT MAN MAKES ME SNAP. THAT DUDE IS TALKING ABOUT GOING TO MARS WHEN I WANT TO HAVE A

MARS. >> WELCOME, AND SO YOU SAID THAT

THAT IS STEAMY, SO WE HAVE A IRON IN FRONT OF YOU IN CASE YOU NEED TO HIT YOUR HANDS.

>> OH. >> THAT IS A CANDY.

>> AND KAYNE WEST. >> OH, KAYNE, THAT IS OKAY. >> AND HE SAYS HE HAS OPENED UP

A SCHOOL. >> THAT IS GOOD.

NOT READ A BOOK IN NIZ LIFE. >> AND HE WAS TUCKER CARLSON. >> OH, MAN, HAVE A HEART.

>> AND NOW, LET’S LOOK AT THE OF KAYNE.

>> OH! >> AH, THERE WE GO. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL SHOW

AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN AN EPISODE OF "EUPHORIA" AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH

MUSICAL GUEST WILLOW.

AND YOUR HOST BRENDAN GLEESON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRENDAN GLEESON. ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI, WELL, I’M BRENDAN GLEESON. AND IF YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE THE ACCENT, I’M IRISH.

AND IF YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE THE FACE, I’M THAT FELLOW THAT

CAN’T REMEMBER, BUT YOU THINK THAT YOU KIND OF LIKE. YEAH, THAT WAS ME.

LET ME SEE. YOU’VE PROBABLY SEEN ME IN "BRAVEHEART."

YOU’VE POSSIBLY SEEN ME IN "HARRY POTTER." YOU DEFINITELY HAVEN’T SEEN ME

IN JOEL COHEN’S BLACK AND WHITE "MACBETH," BUT YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

I THINK IT’S PRETTY GOOD. NOW, I’M NOT REALLY USED TO TELLING JOKES, SO I THOUGHT I’D

PLAY A TUNE FOR YOU INSTEAD. CAN I GET MY MANDOLIN? THANK YOU.

THIS IS THE FIRST TUNE I EVER LEARNED. ♪

IT WAS MADE FAMOUS BY A MAN CALLED BARNEY McKENNA. ♪

AND -- ♪ BARNEY WAS THE BANJO PLAYER WITH

THE DUBLINERS. AND THEY WERE TRAVELING TO A VERY HOT COUNTRY ONE TIME, AND

BARNEY WAS TOLD IT WOULD BE 104 DEGREES IN THE SHADE. AND HE SAYS, "I’LL TELL YOU ONE

THING," BARNEY SAYS. "I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THE SHADE."

♪ YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY HAD VARYING DEGREES OF MUSICALITY.

MY LOVELY AUNTIE NELL, FOR EXAMPLE, WAS FAMOUS BECAUSE HER HIGH NOTES COULD SHATTER GLASS.

ALL THE KIDS WERE TERRIFIED SHE’D BURST INTO SONG AT ANY MOMENT, ESPECIALLY THE KIDS WITH

GLASSES. WHEREAS MY FATHER DIDN’T HAVE A NOTE, WELL, HE DID HAVE ONE

NOTE, BUT HE HAD HIS OWN WAY OF GOING ON AND WHEN HE SANG IN OUR SONG, MY SON FERGUS ASKED HIM,

"GRANDDAD, WHY DO YOU COMB YOUR AND DAD SAID, "BECAUSE YOU NEVER

KNOW WHO YOU MIGHT MEET IN YOUR DREAMS." HOW ABOUT THAT, WEIRD AND

WONDERFUL. ♪ I’LL TELL YOU WHO ELSE IS WEIRD

AND WONDERFUL. COLIN FARRELL. WE WORKED TOGETHER ON "IN

BRUGES" -- FOR A NEW FILM, "THE BANSHEES OF

INISHERIN." FUNNY ENOUGH, IT’S ABOUT TWO FELLOWS WHO FALL OUT BECAUSE ONE

OF THEM’S A LITTLE TOO NEEDY. THE STORY’S NOT TOO FAR FROM THE

TRUTH.

COLIN, IS THAT YOU? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY, BRENDAN.

YOU KNOW, I -- I WAS JUST PASSING. >> WERE YOU, YEAH?

>> YEAH, WELL, I WAS ON ME WAY THE -- WELL, MUSTACHE SHOP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

BRENDAN? >> I’M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," COLIN.

>> OH, THEN I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. >> IS IT GOING TO BE A NEEDY

QUESTION? >> NO, A NORMAL. >> ASK AWAY.

ASK AWAY. >> WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE CO-STAR YOU’VE EVER WORKED WITH?

>> PADDINGTON BEAR. >> OKAY. WELL, I MEAN, WELL, WHO’S YOUR

FAVORITE HUMAN CO-STAR, WHO’S IRISH AND HE’S ABOUT 46, AND HIS NAME STARTS WITH A C?

>> CILLIAN MURPHY. >> OH, YEAH, HE’S QUITE GOOD. >> FANTASTIC TO SEE YOU, COLIN.

>> YOU TOO, BRENDAN. >> WHY NOT?

LET’S DO IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪

♪ BLOW THAT TRUMPET RING THAT BELL ♪ ♪ GOING TO HAVE A BLAST HOSTING

SNL ♪ ♪ >> WELL DONE.

>> WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. WILLOW IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND

AND WE’LL BE BACK.

>>> WELCOME TO CNN TODAY. I’M LAURA FIELDS. LET’S GO RIGHT TO THE WHITE

HOUSE WITH OUR VERY OWN KOLLIN O’DIRTY. COLLIN?

>> COLLIN, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? >> AND THAT’S CONFIRMED. OH, YEAH, OKAY.

BUT, YES. SORRY, LAURA, I AM GETTING BREAKING NEWS THAT THE TRY GUYS

HAVE NOW, IN FACT, RESPONDED TO THE OLD NED FULMER SITUATION. WOW.

>> I’M SORRY, WHAT? WHAT? WHAT IS A TRY GUY?

>> LAURA, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A TRY GUY IS?

HAIRCUTS AND THEY HAVE EVEN TRIED EATING BUGS. >> GOTCHA.

AND NOW, BACK TO PRESIDENT BIDEN, AND NOW, GOING TO THE WEST --

>> SORRY TO INTERRUPT, LAURA, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. WE HAVE THE THREE REMAINING TRY

GUYS ON THE LINE READY TO TALK. ARE YOU THERE, TRY GUYS?

FIRST OFF, EUGENE, ZACH, KEITH, IT’S AN HONOR. >> THANK YOU.

THIS IS, YEAH. JUST SURREAL. THERE’S A LOT OF ANGER ON THIS

COUCH. >> UMM, OKAY, WELCOME TRY GUYS.

THIS STORY IS SUCH A SCANDAL. WAS THIS AFFAIR NON-CONSENSUAL? >> NO, WORSE.

HE COMMITTED THE HEINOUS ACT OF NOT TELLING US, HIS FRIENDS.

>> AND I’M -- I’M SORRY. WHY IS THAT HEINOUS?

THE POWER DYNAMICS, LAURA. FOOD BABY.

>> RIGHT, RIGHT. YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAID THAT. SO WHAT NOW?

>> WELL, WE HAVE CONDUCTED AN INTERNAL REVIEW WITH AN INTERNAL REVIEW WITH A TEAM OF HR

PROFESSIONALS, AND ARE NO LONGER WORKING WITH WHITE GUY TRY GUY NED.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. HE SHOULD BE DEAD. >> OKAY, WOW.

SO THE FULL STORY IS THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND KISSED A SIDE CHICK AT A CONCERT.

SO YOU CUT HIM OUT COMPLETELY THEN FIRED HIM? >> YES.

WE HAD NO CHOICE. AND WE HOPE HE IS SOMEWHERE ON

BRAIN AND BELLY. >> WHOA. ISN’T THAT A LITTLE BIT EXTREME?

>> WELL, NO. WELL, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, LAURA, THE SIDE CHICK WAS A FOOD

BABY. THAT.

WHAT IS A FOOD BABY? >> "FOOD BABY" IS A SPINOFF. FOOD SHOW ON THE TRY GUY’S

CHANNEL. YOU IDIOT. >> OKAY.

STOP. TURNING BACK TO THE NEWS, VIOLENCE CONTINUES AS IRAN IS ON

THE CUSP OF A NEW CULTURAL REVOLUTION. >> CUT BACK TO US.

>> NO! >> DUE TO THE TRAUMA WE ARE FACING, THE EDITORS ARE WORKING

AROUND THE CLOCK TO REMOVE ANY TRACE OF NED FROM PAST TRY GUYS’ CONCERTS.

THIS IS THE BATTLE OF OUR LIVES. >> WHOA! JAY-Z CHEATED ON BEYONCE.

IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY. >> CUT BACK TO US. >> LOOK AT ME.

THIS IS THE FACE OF GRIEF. >> NO, IT’S NOT. >> IT IS THOUGH.

AND JUST FYI, WE ARE STILL GOING TO BE RELEASING SOME PREVIOUSLY FILMED BRANDED VIDEOS.

SO, YEAH, YOU MIGHT SEE NED IN "SWEET GREEN PRESENTS: THE TRY GUYS TRY SALAD WITH BUGS ON

TOP."

>> AND IT WILL STILL BE AMAZE BALLS, BUT IT WILL STILL BE SAD BALLS, BECAUSE WE ARE ALL STILL

PROCESSING THIS HORRIFIC AND PROBABLY RACIST TRAGEDY. >> CAN YOU CUT BACK TO ME,

PLEASE? >> NO. >> HEAR THIS, AMERICA.

WE WILL NEVER STOP BRINGING YOU THE SAME TRY GUYS ADVENTURE. >> I WILL STILL BE TRYING SUPER

WEIRD CAMBODIAN FOOD. SUPER WEIRD MALAYSIAN FOOD.

AND KEITH IS STILL GOING TO TRY WEARING A THONG FOR A WEEK, BECAUSE IT’S OUR DUTY.

>> OKAY. THIS IS TOO TRAUMATIC. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

>> THANK YOU FOR YOUR BRAVERY TRY GUYS.

YOU. WHAT IS TODAY’S DATE?

FOR CNN, I’M COLLIN O’DIRTY. OKAY, I’M GOING TO GO SEE WHAT

KETAMINE IS ALL ABOUT. THIS HAS BEEN CNN. GOODNIGHT.

>>> BEING A NEW CAST MEMBER AT "SNL," YOU GET A LOT OF ADVICE. >> ADVICE FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY,

VETERAN CAST MEMBERS, EVEN LORNE. LORNE TOLD ME, "DON’T DO TOO

MUCH IN THE FIRST COUPLE SHOWS." >> LET THE AUDIENCE DISCOVER YOU AND GET TO KNOW YOU.

>> UNTIL WE FIND WRITERS WHO UNDERSTAND MY VOICE, MY ODD HAUNTING VOICE.

>> HE TOLD ME TO JUST BE ME. TO TRUST MY INSTINCTS FROM STAND-UP.

AND I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE AN AUDIENCE.

>> SEE? THIS IS ALL KIND OF CRAZY TO HEAR, BECAUSE ON DAY ONE, LORNE

TOLD ME WHEN HE OFF, AND HE SAID, "MOLLY, THERE IS ONLY ONE REASON YOU ARE HERE.

I NEED YOU TO KILL VLADIMIR PUTIN." HE ASKED YOU IF HE’S GONE.

HE SAID, "DON’T WORRY, THE SERIAL NUMBERS HAVE BEEN SCRATCHED OFF.

HE’LL NEVER TRACE IT BACK TO US." I’M LIKE, "US?"

>> I, FOR ONE, HAD SAID, "DON’T EXPECT TO SEE IN A BUNCH OF SKETCHES RIGHT AWAY."

>> LORNE SAID TO REALLY TAKE MY TIME. YOU KNOW, MAYBE, DON’T EVEN

WRITE A SKETCH UNTIL CHRISTMAS. >> MY UNCLE SAID, "MAKE SURE TO GET AN ACCOUNTANT, AND WATCH

HIM, BECAUSE SOMEBODY WILL TAKE MY MONEY." >> I TOLD LORNE, "PLEASE DON’T

MAKE ME DO THIS. I WOULD RATHER BE ON SKETCHES, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I CAME HERE

TO DO." AND LORNE GOES, "EVERYBODY HAS DONE SKETCHES, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT

WILL FERRELL AND ADAM SANDLER NEVER DID? KILL VLADIMIR PUTIN."

I TOLD HIM TO WAIT. I TOLD MY AGENT ABOUT THIS. >> DAVID SPADE CALLED AND SAID,

"CONGRATS ON YOUR FIRST UPDATE FEATURE. WE’RE BOTH FROM ARIZONA, SO THAT

WAS REALLY COOL." >> I GOT FLOWERS FROM KRISTIN WIIG.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT’S INSANE." I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE SHE KNOWS WHO I AM.

>> I GET A CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. IT’S FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE,

JOHN KERRY. AND HE SAID, "COME ON, LORNE.

WITH YOUR BAGS PACKED?" I’M THINKING, "PACKED WITH WHAT?"

>> I FEEL LIKE HE WAS PART OF A LARGER FAMILY, ALL OF A SUDDEN. I SAW MY PHOTO ON THE SAME WALL

WITH EDDIE MURPHY. I MEAN, "THAT’S CRAZY." >> YOU KNOW, I SAW MY PHOTO ON

THAT I WAS RECOGNIZED AND THEY THOUGHT THAT I WAS KEENAN, BUT THAT IS OKAY.

>> AND LORNE SAID, WE CAN GET YOU TO RUSSIA, BUT I CAN’T GUARANTEE THAT WE WILL GET YOU

OUT. AND SO, I GET TO LORNE’S AT 4:00 A.M.

IT’S JOHN KERRY, BILL GATES AND, WEIRDLY, KELLY RIPA. WE’RE INSIDE.

WE CAN GET YOU TO RUSSIA, BUT WE CAN’T PROMISE WE CAN GET YOU OUT.

AND I REALLY WANT TO BE ON "SNL," SO I’M JUST, LIKE, NODDING MY HEAD AND SAYING,

"ANYTHING YOU SAY, SIR." AND KELLY RIPA IS REALLY SWEET. SHE LIKE, "WHATEVER HAPPENS,

JUST KNOW YOUR FAMILY WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF." BUT LIKE, IS KELLY RIPA GOING TO

PAY FOR MY FUNERAL? >> I’M WORKING ON A SKETCH THIS WEEK AND LORNE SAID, "DON’T RUSH

INTO IT." HE SAID, "EVEN IF I’M NOT IN ANY SKETCHES FOR THE FIRST YEAR OR

TWO, THAT’S FINE." >> I TOLD LORNE I WAS WORKING ON A SKETCH FOR ME AND MOLLY, AND

HE JUST, KIND OF, STARED OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AND SAID, "IF WE EVER SEE MOLLY AGAIN."

I KNEW THAT AIN’T FEEL RIGHT. >> I’M THROWN IN BACK OF A VAN.

"IF SHE GETS CAPTURED OVER THERE, SHE IS ON HER OWN." AND I WANT HER TO BE LIKE --

IT’S ACTUALLY LIKE -- IT’S ACTUALLY "THEY," NOT "SHE." BUT IT DIDN’T SEEM LIKE THE

RIGHT MOMENT FOR THE PRONOUN TALK. THEN WE DRIVED STRAIGHT THROUGH

THE NIGHT AT, LIKE, 150 MILES AN HOUR AND I’M LIKE, "WHOA!" THE HOURS AT "SNL" IS REALLY ARE

CRAZY. THE FIRST WEEK LIKE, "GOOD

LUCK," "BREAK A LEG," AND THEN MOLLY TEXTED, "I HAVE TO KILL." IT’S LIKE, "DON’T PUT THAT KIND

OF PRESSURE ON YOURSELF." >> YOU REALIZE THERE’S THIS

WORK AT "SNL," AND WE’RE ALL JUST HERE TO DO COMEDY. EXCEPT, APPARENTLY, MOLLY.

>> THE VAN SCREECHES TO A HALT. THEY THROW ME ON TO A DOCK, RIP OFF THE HOOD.

AND I’M LIKE, "IS THIS THE PANAMA CANAL?" THEN A GUY WALKS UP IN A SAFARI

HAT AND A WHITE MUSTACHE. TWIN BROTHER, AND HE SAYS --

[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] THEN THEY DRIVE AWAY, AND I GO TO CALL AN UBER, BUT I CAN’T USE

MY PHONE BECAUSE THEY BURNT MY BETTER BREAD PHONE. >> AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU’LL

HAVE TO REALIZE YOU’RE GOING TO LAST WEEK, I GOT ON WEEKEND

UPDATE. THIS WEEK, I GET TO PLAY KANYE WEST.

YOU JUST HAVE TO ENJOY THE RIDE. >> EXACTLY. DON’T TRY TO WRITE OR PITCH

IDEAS. DON’T EXPECT ANYONE TO PUT YOU IN SKETCHES OR GIVE YOU A

COMPUTER OR AN OFFICE OR AN I.D. SO YOU GET INSIDE THE BUILDING.

>> AND BE MORE EXCITING THAT THERE ARE FOUR NEW CAST MEMBERS SO WE CAN EXPERIENCE IT

TOGETHER. >> LONG STORY SHORT, MOST OF MY FIRST WEEK AT "SNL" IS ABOUT

CONNECTING BUSES THROUGH CENTRAL AMERICA. BUT I MADE IT RIGHT BEFORE THE

SHOW OPEN, AND JUST BEFORE THE COLD OPEN STARTED, LORNE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "MOLLY, I’M

REALLY PROUD OF YOU." AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE NEVER

I THOUGHT THAT WAS REALLY COOL. KILL OSAMA BIN LADEN? NOW I GOT A TASTE FOR IT.

>> MARILYN, WHAT’S THE HOLD UP? WE’RE ABOUT TO SHOOT THE BIG DANCE NUMBER.

>> I’M JUST GOING TO MESS IT UP, DADDY.

MARILYN MONROE. >> OH, DON’T SAY THAT, MARILYN. EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.

AND TO CHEER YOU UP, I BROUGHT IN DEVIN AND AGNES FROM THE STUDIO TO READ YOU ALL OF YOUR

ADORING FAN MAIL. COME ON IN, LADIES. >> WOW.

OH, WOW, IS THAT A PAINTING OR A LADY? >> LOOK, YOU’RE MARILYN MONROE.

YOU’RE EVEN PRETTIER THAN THE PICTURE. >> YOU SURE DO HAVE A LOT OF

FANS, MISS MONROE. THIS IS THE MOST MAIL WE’VE EVER SEEN.

>> WE HAD TO CARRY IT ALL UP AWAY FROM THE BASEMENT, BUT IT’S

BETTER. >> SEE MARILYN? THEY LOVE YOU.

>> AND I DO NEED THE LOVE, DADDY. LET’S HEAR THOSE LETTERS.

>> HERE’S -- HERE’S ONE. MARILYN, YOU ARE THE SWEETHEART OF THIS AND ANY OTHER MONTH.

>> AW. >> AW. EVEN FEBRUARY?

OH, SHUCKS, I’M BEGINNING TO FEEL BETTER ALREADY. >> HERE’S ANOTHER.

MARILYN, I WISH I WAS YOU. >> AH. >> MY TURN.

MARILYN, YOU ARE A WHORE, BLONDE AND FRAIL. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU, YOU

DISGUSTING TRAMP. YOU ARE POISONING OUR CHILDREN, YOU TRAMP.

>> THAT SEEMS A LITTLE MEAN. >> THAT ONE MUST HAVE BEEN MIXED UP.

>> THIS IS ANOTHER ONE. AND YOUR SMILE IS A SWEETHEART,

TOO. YOU ARE A SWEETHEART SWEETHEART, LOVE LOUISVILLE.

>> I LOVE LOUISVILLE. I THINK THAT I AM READY SO START THAT SCENE.

>> MARILYN, YOU ARE A DUMB BABOON AND YOUR BRAIN IS IN YOUR BUTT, AND I’D LIKE TO KICK IT.

NOT A FAN. >> OKAY. >> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

>> MAYBE WE COULD, LIKE, SCREEN THESE A LITTLE AND IF THEY GET REALLY MEAN, I DON’T KNOW, LIKE,

BAIL? >> WELL, IT’S HARD, MS. MONROE, BECAUSE SOME OF THEM START NICE

AND END MEAN. >> AND THEN SOME OF THEM START MEAN AND END NICE.

>> AND THEN SOME OF THEM START MEAN AND JUST END. >> WELL, DO SOME OF THEM START

NICE AND JUST STAY NICE? >> SURE. HERE’S ONE MISS MONROE.

>> ARE YOU SURE IT’S ALL NICE? >> YEAH. >> YOU READ THE WHOLE THING?

>> YEAH. >> FRONT TO BACK, SIDE TO SIDE? >> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.

>> MARILYN, YOU ARE A WHORE. NOT A FAN. >> HERE’S AN IDEA.

MAYBE IF IT SAYS "WHORE," WE SKIP THAT AND SAY "FLOWER" INSTEAD.

>> OH, YOU GOT IT. MARILYN, YOU WERE BORN A FLOWER, AND YOU WILL DIE A FLOWER.

>> YOU ARE A DIRTY FLOWER, AND

>> AH. >> I’M ALSO A FLOWER. NOT A FAN.

>> OKAY. I SHOULD HAVE STAYED NORMA JEAN.

>> WELL, THIS IS ADDRESSED TO NORMA JEAN. >> NORMA JEAN?!

ONLY IN THE WORLD, PROUDLY -- ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD CALLS ME THAT.

>> NORMA JEAN, IT’S YOUR DAD. NOT A FAN. >> OKAY.

>> IF HE’S NOT A FAN OF -- MAYBE HE’S BEEN -- >> WELL, MAYBE WE DON’T READ ANY

THAT SAY "NOT A FAN AT ALL." IS THAT OKAY? ALSO, I’M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU TWO

AGAIN? >> WELL, WE’RE YOUR FAN MAIL READERS.

>> AND THAT’S, LIKE, THE WHOLE JOB? >> WELL, WE ARE ALSO VEERING FOR

SOME OF THE GAY STARS, BUT WE CAN’T SAY WHICH, ROCK HUDSON. >> OKAY.

I THINK I’M ABOUT TO BE DONE WITH THESE WOMEN, PLEASE. >> NO, NO, NO.

PLEASE JUST GIVE US ONE MORE CHANCE. >> LOOK.

HERE, IT IS A DRAWING.

>> OKAY, WHAT IS THAT? >> IT’S YOU IN JAIL FOR BEING A WHORE.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE. LADIES, YOU’RE FIRED.

LET ME SEE THOSE LETTERS. >> THIS IS ONE THAT SAYS HOW THE

>> OKAY. >> MARILYN, YOU ARE A GENIUS AND

>> OH, DADDY, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. MAYBE LETTERS REALLY ARE A

GIRL’S BEST FRIEND. >> DID IT REALLY SAY THAT? >> WHO KNOWS, I CAN’T READ.

>>> HEY, I’M HERE FOR THE HEAD SHOTS. ARE YOU THE PHOTOGRAPHER?

>> NO, I JUST LIKE STANDING NEXT TO THE CAMERAS. I’M KIDDING.

I’M FUNNY. SIT OVER THERE AND WE’LL GET STARTED.

>> SO I BROUGHT IN A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT LOOKS. NOTHING CRAZY.

>> GRANDPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> YOU FORGOT YOUR FEDORA IN THE CAR.

AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED IT >> THEY’RE CALLED HEADSHOTS,

GRANDPA. I’M SORRY ABOUT HIM. >> I SEE I’VE INTERRUPTED.

MY APOLOGIES. I’LL SHOVE OFF. >> WAIT.

I DON’T MEAN TO BE WEIRD. BUT THERE’S SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL ABOUT YOU.

>> WHO, ME? NO. >> YES.

YOU MUST LET ME TAKE MY PHOTO. >> I HAVE NEVER HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN BEFORE.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME? >> YOU CAN MOVE YOUR HUGE ASS. >> PLEASE, SIR, STAND OVER

THERE. YOUR AUDITION CAN WAIT. SHOW ME BROODING.

YES, YES. NOW, GET YOUR SMILE ON. YES.

NOW, BITE THAT LIP AND POP THAT HIP. COME ON.

YES, SIR! NOW, HOW ABOUT WE DO A SILLY ONE.

UH-HUH, YES. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ANY LIFE AND I

HAVE SEEN "SEINFELD." >> IS IT MY TURN YET? >> IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE JEALOUS

THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE REAL STAR. >> THAT IS MY GRANDPA.

>> PLEASE, SIR. ONE MORE. OKAY.

YOU SKI. YES. YES!

DEAR GOD, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SKIING LOOKS LIKE. NOW, HOW ABOUT CUTE SHY BOY?

OH, WHY SO SHY, CUTE BOY? COME ON OUT OF THAT SHELL, HMM? YES, MORE.

MORE. COME ON, MORE. YES.

CORRECT. THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE

DOING? ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOUR

GRANDPA FOR THE FIRST TIME. NOW, WHERE WERE WE? >> WELL, WE’VE HAD A LAUGH.

I THINK IT IS TIME FOR THIS OLD MAN TO GO. >> NO.

NO! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

SEE. >> DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IF PEOPLE SAW THIS PLAIN OLD FACE,

THERE’D BE NO MORE WAR? >> EXACTLY. >> WHAT?

>> HELLO, I’M HERE FOR MY HEADSHOT. I CAN COME BACK LATER.

>> NOW, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND VERY WEIRD, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU.

>> ME? NO. >> THIS IS CRAZY IDEA, BUT WOULD

YOU GO STAND NEXT TO HIM. PLEASE. MM-MMM-MM-MMM.

YES. IT WORKS. WOULD YOU INDULGE ME?

>> I DON’T KNOW. I HAVE NEVER HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN BEFORE.

>> THAT IS A LIE. >> SILENCE. >> ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

LET’S CHANGE THE WORLD. OKAY. SO YOU ARE BUDDIES, BUT

SOMETIMES YOU DON’T GET ALONG. OH, YES. NOW, ONE OF YOU IS THE PRESIDENT

AND ONE OF YOU IS MEETING THE PRESIDENT. YES, YES.

NOW, DOUBLE CUTE SHY BOYS. OH, MY GOD! YES.

HELLO, "TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE" IT IS YOUR COUSIN "MARVIN TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE."

YOU KNOW THAT SOUND THAT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS.

>> IS IT MY TURN NOW?

>>> GET OFF THE ISLAND, BRO. >> JOHN, THIS PARTY ROCKS.

IT IS LIKE LEGENDARY. >> I TOLD YOUR MOM NOT TO DRINK. >> SHE HAS GOTTA, BECAUSE WE ARE

SENIORS NOW. >> SENIORS. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SAY THAT,

BECAUSE I AM SO USED TO BEING A JUNIOR. >> TOTALLY.

LOOK AT US, GROWING UP. OH, I GOT MY PENN STATE APP DONE, BY THE WAY.

>> DUDE, ME TOO, BROTHER. >> SAME. >> HELLO, FUTURE ROOMIES.

>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, TOMMY. YOU DONE WITH THE APP? >> ACTUALLY, GUYS, THERE’S

SOMETHING I’VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU. I AM NOT APPLYING TO PENN STATE.

>> WHAT? >> OH, MY GOD. YOU’RE APPLYING TO HARVARD,

AREN’T YOU, PAL? >> TOMMY. >> OH, YOU FREAKING BRAINIAC.

>> NO, NO, NO. GUYS. LOOK, REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU

THAT I WAS 17? >> YEAH. WE ALL ARE.

>> I’M 67. >> WHAT? >> I’M 67 YEARS OLD.

>> NO. YOU’RE 17. YOU FROM NEW JERSEY.

YOUR NAME IS TOMMY "PORKCHOP" LUCIANO. >> MY NAME SEAMUS O’SULLIVAN.

I’M A 67-YEAR-OLD IRISHMAN. >> SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, WHEN WE WOULD SKIP SEVENTH

PERIOD TO SNEAK BEERS, YOU WERE WHAT? SOME OLD GUY?

>> THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING THE

>> A GLASS OF WHISKEY WITH A BIG SQUARE CUBE. >> OH MY GOD.

BUT PORKCHOP, YOU WERE THE CRAZIEST KID IN SCHOOL. I MEAN, YOU DID DRUGS IN CLASS.

>> BYE-BYE. >> THOSE WERE BLOOD THINNERS. >> SO, ALL OF THOSE TIMES AFTER

GYM CLASS WHEN WE WERE NERVOUSLY CHANGING, AND YOU WERE -- WERE --

>> YOU WERE COMFORTABLE BEING ASS-NUDE. >> OH, MY GOD.

>> THAT’S JUST THE WAY OLD FELLOWS ARE.

SCHOOL? >> I DON’T KNOW. I JUST GOT LOST.

AND THEN I WATCHED "GOSSIP GIRL" AND IT JUST SEEMED FUN. >> WHAT?

COME ON, MAN! >> YOU WATCHED "GOSSIP GIRL" AND THEN ENROLLED IN SCHOOL?

>> YOU START "GOSSIP GIRL" AND THEN YOU ENROLLED IN SCHOOL? YOU SOUND LIKE MY WIFE.

>> DUDE, YOU HAVE A WIFE? >> YES, SINCE ’77. DO YOU THINK THEY’LL BE MAD AT

ME? >> OF COURSE, EVERYBODY’S GOING TO BE MAD AT YOU.

>> I THINK I THOUGHT OF A NEW NICKNAME FOR US. THE CORE FOUR.

>> WE’RE STILL THE CORE FOUR. >> THE CORE FOUR IS NO MORE. COME ON, GUYS.

LET’S GO. >> I DO JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. WAS ANY OF THIS REAL?

>> WAS IT REAL? BEN, WHEN YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH MONEY, WHAT DID I DO?

>> YOU GAVE ME HALF YOUR CABBAGE. >> AND WHEN YOU WERE HAVING

BODY-IMAGE ISSUES, WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? >> YOU TOOK YOUR SHIRT OFF AND

JUMPED AROUND A LITTLE. PASSED, WHO WAS THERE TO SUPPORT

YOUR FAMILY? >> YOU. >> STAYED WITH YOUR MOTHER EVERY

NIGHT. GIVING HER MASSAGES. SLEEPING IN HER BED.

>> I DIDN’T KNOW THAT HAPPENED. >> AYE, YOU’RE MY BOYS. AND WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE AN EPIC

SENIOR YEAR! >> WAIT, YOU’RE STAYING? WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

>> DON’T BE AN ASS. I’M NOT GOING TO MISS ME SENIOR YEAR.

NOT WHEN WE FINALLY RUN THIS SCHOOL. >> ANYBODY NEED A LIFT?

>> OH!

>> YOU ARE AMAZING. >> THIS IS FOR YOU.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WILLOW! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ ♪ I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS AN ORDER TO THIS

THE WIND IN THE TREES WHISPERING MATHEMATICS ♪ ♪ I ALWAYS KNEW

I TRIED MY BEST TO TALK BACK REFRACT THE WISDOM TO HEAL THE ABYSS ♪

♪ SOMEBODY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THIS LIFE

IS LOOKING DARK IT’S ALL THAT WE HAVE ♪ ♪ AND WHEN NOBODY WANTS

TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THAT WE CAN DO IS STEP INTO DREAD ♪

♪ THAT’S WHAT I SAID AND I’M TAKIN’ THIS ADVENTURE ON MY OWN ♪

♪ WALKIN’ THROUGH A DARKENED FOREST GOIN’ HOME ♪

♪ CURIOUS FURIOUS I FEEL ALONE OH OOH ♪

♪ GETTING OVER IT NOW AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN BECAUSE LIFE DOESN’T CHOOSE

EITHER SIDE ♪ ♪ WIN OR LOSE RIGHT OR WRONG

IT’S A BATTLE ♪ ♪ IN YOUR MIND YOU BETTER OPEN WIDE

GETTING OVER IT NOW ♪ ♪ AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN BECAUSE LIFE DOESN’T CHOOSE

EITHER SIDE ♪ ♪ WIN OR LOSE RIGHT OR WRONG

IT’S A BATTLE ♪ ♪ SHOOTING OURSELVES FROM CALM FROM THE CHAOS RESTARTS

DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO MY QUESTIONS ENDLESS ♪ ♪ AND THE ONLY THING

THAT I WANT I DON’T WANNA START A FIGHT ♪

♪ BUT YOU KNOW WHEN IT GETS HEATED THAT’S JUST WHAT I LIKE ♪

♪ AND I NEVER WANNA TALK ABOUT IT I JUST WANNA SIT

IN MY ROOM INSTEAD ♪ ♪ THAT’S WHAT I SAID AND I’M TAKIN’ THIS

ADVENTURE ON MY OWN ♪ ♪ WALKIN’ THROUGH A DARKENED FOREST

GOIN’ HOME ♪ ♪ CURIOUS FURIOUS I FEEL ALONE

OH OOH ♪ ♪ GETTING OVER IT NOW AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN

BECAUSE LIFE DOESN’T CHOOSE EITHER SIDE ♪ ♪ WIN OR LOSE

RIGHT OR WRONG IT’S A BATTLE ♪ ♪ THAT’S ALL IN YOUR MIND

YOU BETTER OPEN WIDE GETTING OVER IT NOW ♪ ♪ AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN

BECAUSE LIFE DOESN’T CHOOSE EITHER SIDE WIN OR LOSE ♪

♪ RIGHT OR WRONG ♪ ♪

♪

>>> IT’S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. >> THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," I’M MICHAEL CHE.

>> I’M COLIN JOST. >>> WELL, THE MIDTERMS ARE ONLY A MONTH AWAY, AND IS IT JUST ME,

OR ARE SOME CANDIDATES TRYING TO LOSE? LET’S JUST START IN PENNSYLVANIA

WITH DR. OZ, SEEN HERE TELLING HE’S LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA.

A REVIEW OF SCIENTIFIC STUDIES PUBLISHED BY DR. OZ REVEALED THAT HIS EXPERIMENTS KILLED OVER

300 DOGS, BUT EVENTUALLY HE GOT THE RECIPE RIGHT. DR. OZ HAS REFUSED TO COMMENT ON

THE REPORT THAT HIS RESEARCH KILLED OVER 300 DOGS, THOUGH IT’S POSSIBLE HE COULDN’T HEAR

THE QUESTION OVER THE WOODCHIPPER. BUT DON’T WORRY, DR. OZ WON

EVERYBODY BACK, LAST NIGHT, WHEN HE GAVE A SPEECH IN FRONT OF HITLER’S CAR.

WORSE, HE THEN GOT IN THE CAR AND BACKED OVER A DOG. >> GEORGIA’S SENATE CANDIDATE,

HERSCHEL WALKER, DENIED REPORTS THAT HE PAID FOR A GIRLFRIEND’S ABORTION, SAYING, "I SEND MONEY

TO A LOT OF PEOPLE," BEFORE ADDING, "YOU KNOW, FOR ABORTIONS."

AFTER THE NEWS BROKE THAT WALKER PAID FOR HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND’S

$500,000, BECAUSE DOLLARS ARE THE ONLY THING WALKER IS WILLING TO RAISE.

>>> FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER, RON DeSANTIS, EXPLAINED WHY SO

MANY RESIDENTS FAILED TO EVACUATE, SAYING, "SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR

HOMES, WHICH IS WHY SOMETIMES PLANE TO MARTHA’S VINEYARD.

>>> DURING THE TRIAL OF OATH KEEPERS FOUNDER, STEWART RHODES, WHOSE BEARD IS PATCHIER THAN HIS

EYE PATCH -- CRUSHED. PROSECUTORS PLAYED A RECORDING OF HIM SAYING THAT HIS ONLY

REGRET ABOUT THE JANUARY 6th ATTACKS WAS NOT BRINGING RIFLES, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE AN OBVIOUS

CONFESSION OF GUILT, BUT TRY LOOKING AT THIS FROM RHODES’ PERSPECTIVE, WITH LITTLE TO NO

DEPTH PERCEPTION. >>> THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN PARDONED THOUSANDS OF CONVICTED

MARIJUANA USERS, AND IT FEELS THEM A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE

YESTERDAY, BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH AT A CAR FACTORY, AND HE OPENED WITH THIS.

>> LET ME START OFF WITH TWO WORDS -- MADE IN AMERICA. >> WOW.

LET ME RESPOND WITH TWO WORDS -- JESUS H. CHRIST. PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ALSO HEARD

CRITICIZING REPORTERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SHOUTING QUESTIONS AT HIM.

QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHAT YEAR IS IT?" AND "WHO’S THE CURRENT

PRESIDENT?" AND ALSO, THEY WEREN’T REPORTERS, THEY WERE DOCTORS.

>>> KAYNE WEST APPEARED -- OH, NO. KAYNE WEST APPEARED ON

TUCKER CARLSON’S SHOW TO DEFEND WEARING A WHITE LIVES MATTER SHIRT, CLAIMING HE WORE THE

SHIRT BECAUSE HE WAS USING, QUOTE, "A GUT INSTINCT." AND WHAT -- AND WHAT HE’S

DEFINITELY NOT USING, ARE PRESCRIBED MEDS. >>> A BRITISH PILOT CREATED THE

LARGEST EVER PORTRAIT OF QUEEN ELIZABETH BY DRAWING HER OUTLINE ON THE FLIGHT PATH OVER THE

COUNTRY. SHE IS SMILING.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD IS GOING TO OPEN UP ITS FIRST MOBILE CLINIC IN THE COUNTRY AND IT IS GOING

TO GO TO ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY THAT HERSCHEL WALKER HAS VISITED.

DISNEY -- WHAT A GREAT TRANSITION. DISNEY MADE HISTORY AFTER

ANNOUNCING LIVE ACTION REMAKE OF "BLACK ARIEL" AND HERE TO COMMENT IS BLACK ARIEL.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME ARIEL. I DON’T CALL YOU WHITE COLIN TO

YOUR FACE. >> SOME PEOPLE ARE CALLING YOU A HERO.

>> HERO TO WHO? BLACK GIRLS WHO WANT TO BE A FISH?

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, ARIEL, YOU ARE PERFECT, AND YOU ARE THE ARIEL THAT WE NEED.

BITCH, I AM NORMAL. >> HERO IS A LOT THE LIVE UP TO. >> YES, DID NOT WANT ASK FOR ANY

OF THIS. >> SO YOU’RE NOT PERFECT, RIGHT? >> SORRY.

LOOK, I’M JUST BEING HONEST. ALSO, I GREW UP RICH. MY DAD WAS THE KING OF THE SEA.

WE HAD MONEY-MONEY. I USED TO RIDE AROUND ON LITTLE SEA HORSES FOR FUN.

>> WELL, WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT? POOR PEOPLE.

>> OH. YEAH. WELL -- WELL -- WELL, YEAH,

THAT’S NOT GREAT. NO. >> I’M DUMB, TOO, COLIN.

LIKE, STUPID-STUPID. MY BRAIN PASS FISH.

HOOK. GETS ME EVERY DAMN TIME. >> ARIEL, WHY ARE YOU TELLING US

ALL THIS. >> ’CAUSE I’M JUST TRYING TO GET AHEAD OF STUFF.

FOR EXAMPLE, I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY, BUT I’M STILL PRO-SEAWORLD.

AND I MET SHAMU. THIS, I’M GLAD HIS ASS IS LOCKED

UP. >> WOW. OKAY.

WELL, I’M SURE THERE’S A -- IRAQ.

GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING IN THE SEA, JUST WANTED REVENGE FOR 9/11.

>> OKAY. WOW. SO -- SO, I GUESS YOU’RE SAYING

THAT YOU’RE COMPLICATED. >> I’M SAYING I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS.

I GUESS IT’S JUST A LOT OF PRESSURE BEING SOME KIND OF HERO.

>> ALSO DID THE OIL SPILL. >> WHAT WAS THAT? >> DID THE BP OIL SPILL.

YEAH, RAN UP ON THAT PIPELINE DRUNK AS HELL ONE NIGHT, AND DID A LITTLE DAMAGE.

OH, GOSH, AND ONE MORE THING, JUST BEFORE THERE’S A TWEET ABOUT THIS.

SALMON ARE DYING, AND FISH ARE DYING. >> I DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU WERE

GOING TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF. I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE GOING TO

COME OUT HERE TO SING A LITTLE SONG. DON’T YOU HAVE A LITTLE, LIKE,

JAMAICAN CRAB THAT YOU SING WITH? >> LISTEN, COLIN, I GOT A LOT OF

CRABS, BUT THEY DON’T SING. THEY ARE JAMAICAN THOUGH. >> OKAY.

>> JA MAKING MY NUTS ITCH. >> YOU GOT TO GO. BLACK ARIEL, EVERYONE.

>> JUST CALL ME ARIEL, DAMN.

>>> DOCTORS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT A NEW RECOMMENDATION URGING THEM

AGES OF 40 AND 60, TO CONSIDER LOSING WEIGHT. ALSO OPPOSED TO MIDDLE-AGED

WOMEN LOSING WEIGHT, ME. LIT UP BLUE AND WHITE TO

CELEBRATE AARON JUDGE HITTING HIS RECORD 62nd HOME RUN OF THE SEASON, WHILE OVER IN QUEENS, A

PORT-A-POTTY WAS SET ON FIRE IN DIVISION.

>>> IN A NEW SCOOBY-DOO HALLOWEEN SPECIAL, THE CHARACTER

LESBIAN, WHICH EXPLAINS -- YEAH, FINALLY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

ALL RIGHT. THE CHARACTER VELMA WAS OPENLY FINALLY DEPICTED AS A LESBIAN,

AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY SCOOBY-DOO IS NOW A RESCUE PITBULL. >>> WEDNESDAY WAS NATIONAL

COFFEE WITH A COP DAY, AND SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT COPS LIKE THEIR COFFEE BLACK WITH A

COUPLE OF SHOTS IN IT. >> AND TUESDAY WAS NATIONAL

DAD CALLED. >> HEFTY HAS INTRODUCED PUMPKIN SPICE SCENTED TRASH BAGS.

AND I GOT TO SAY, PUMPKIN SPICE SCENTED TRASH BAGS IS PROBABLY THE BEST SLUR FOR WHITE PEOPLE

I’VE EVER HEARD.

>>> WELL, GUYS, THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SEASON WRAPPED UP THIS WEEK.

THE PLAYOFFS ARE NOW UNDERWAY. AND HERE TO GIVE HIS THOUGHTS, IS NEW "SNL" CAST MEMBER,

MARCELLO HERNANDEZ. >> THANK YOU. NEW YORK.

>> WHAT’S UP. SO, MARCELLO, ARE YOU A BASEBALL FAN?

>> WELL, COLIN, MY MOM IS FROM CUBA AND MY DAD IS FROM THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, SO OBVIOUSLY

THEY’RE DIVORCED. BUT IT ALSO MEANS I LOVE BASEBALL.

YOU KNOW. LATINOS DOMINATE BASEBALL, COLIN.

AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT WE’RE NATURALLY BETTER. I’M JUST SAYING WE’RE MORE FUN

TO WATCH. I MEAN, WHO WOULD YOU RATHER WATCH PLAY BASEBALL, TANNER FROM

KENTUCKY, OR A GUY THAT THEY CALL PAPI AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY? THIS GUY GOT SO GOOD AT HIS JOB,

HE GOT EVERYONE TO CALL HIM DAD. ANYBODY HERE CALL YOU DADDY, COLIN?

>> I REALLY DON’T WANT TO SAY. BUT WHAT ABOUT LIKE AARON JUDGE, RIGHT?

HE JUST HIT THE 62nd HOME RUN, SET THE A.L. RECORD. >> YEAH, I THINK IT’S

IMPRESSIVE, COLIN, BUT THERE JUST WASN’T ENOUGH EMOTION FOR ME.

HE HITS THE 62nd HOME RUN, PUTS IT’S A COUPLE OF HIGH FIVES AND

STRAIGHT TO THE DUGOUT. WHEN A DOMINICAN HITS A HOMERUN,

DIFFERENT DIMENSION, AND THEN HE GETS TO HOME PLATE, AND HE THANKS EVERYONE HE’S EVER

ENCOUNTERED. HE GETS TO HOME PLATE, HE’S LIKE, "THANK YOU TO MY MOTHER,

AND MY SISTER, AND MY FATHER, AND MY -- EVERYTHING CHANGES WHEN THEY

BRING OUT THE DOMINICAN GUY. THE AMERICAN ANNOUNCER WHO’S BEEN SPEAKING ENGLISH THE WHOLE

GAME GETS AN ACCENT ALL OF THE SUDDEN. NOW, THIS GUY NAMED JEFF IS

LIKE, "AND NOW, COMING TO THE PLATE FROM SANTO DOMINGO, STARLING MARTE.

CUE THE MERENGUE MUSIC. EVEN THE WHITE GUYS IN THE CROWD ARE LIKE --

PLAYER GETS THERE, HE COMES OUT LIKE WITH A CHAIN OUT OF NOWHERE.

HE TELLS THE PITCHER TO RELAX, IT.

AND ONCE HE GETS TO BATTING, COLIN, IT IS ALL HIPS. DO YOU FEEL IT, COLIN?

>> I AM PRETTY SURE I AM FEELING IT.

BATTING, THE CROWD IS PREGNANT. AND THE POST-GAME INTERVIEWS ARE DIFFERENT, COLIN.

WHITE GUYS ARE SO BORING. THE GAME.

IT’S ALWAYS LIKE, "WE HAD A PLAN, AND WE EXECUTED IT."

DIFFERENT? >> DON’T DO THAT, COLIN. I DON’T LIKE THAT, BUT YES.

IT’S VERY DIFFERENT. WHEN LATIN GUYS ARE TALKING AFTER A GAME, IF THEY DO GET A

SENTENCE OFF IN ENGLISH, IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE GAME. THE REPORTER IS LIKE, "WHAT WAS

GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD ON THAT 3- 2 SLIDER." AND THEN RAMON IS LIKE, "MAN, I

LOVE MIAMI, MAN. THE WEATHER, THE PEOPLE, THE FOOD IS AMAZING.

AND COLIN, THEY ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH UNTIL THEY LOSE PATIENCE.

AND WELL, FOR THIS SEASON I THINK THAT -- [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]

>> MARCELLO HERNANDEZ, EVERYBODY.

>>> YOU’RE WATCHING HISTORY CHANNEL.

HITLER’S HYGEINE." BUT FIRST, "ANCIENT EMPIRES." >> EUROPE, 500 B.C.

TWO TRIBES END A CENTURY LONG PROTECT THEIR LANDS FROM

INVASION. >> FOR YEARS, THE VUUDI AND THE THRATIAN TRIBES HAVE BEEN AT

WAR.

ENEMY, THE GOLFEN HORDE. IT PAINS ME, BUT YOU ARE RIGHT. >> SO WE WILL FIGHT SIDE BY

SIDE. >> WE SHALL. >> SO LET US SEAL THIS ALLIANCE

IN A BLOOD OATH AS MY PEOPLE HAVE DONE FOR 1,000 YEARS. TO VICTORY!

>> VICTORY!

UNION AND BRING OUR PEOPLE STRENGTH. >> I CUT MYSELF GOOD THERE.

>> WHAT NEWS FROM OUR SCOUTS? BORDER IN TWO MOONS’ TIME.

>> THEN WE MUST ACT WITH HASTE. RANKS.

>> THOUSANDS AND I AM STILL BLEEDING FROM THAT BLOOD OATH. >> IS YOUR PALM STILL BLEEDING?

>> NO, THE BLOOD OATH REQUIRES BUT A SCRATCH. >> OKAY.

SO YOU WENT SUPER LIGHT? AH. I DIDN’T KNOW THAT, AND MY TRIBE

DOESN’T DO BLOOD OATHS, AND SO I BASICALLY CUT INTO MY HAND LIKE I WAS CUTTING INTO STEAK.

>> OH, THAT WAS UNWISE OF YOU. >> I KNOW. LIKE I SAID, I HAVE NEVER DONE A

BLOOD OATH BEFORE, BUT IT IS FINE. I WILL DEAL WITH IT.

>> OKAY, SO YOUR CUT WILL NOT BE THE FOCUS ANYMORE? WE’RE FINISHED WITH YOUR CUT?

>> FIRST, I DON’T LOVE THE ATTITUDE. AND SECOND, IT’S NOT A CUT, IT’S

A GASH. BUT I’M DONE WITH IT. >> IF I MAY.

GOLFEN HORDE WILL SURELY CROSS THE RIVER HERE. THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE OUR

STANCE. >> I CAN DEPLOY MY ARCHERS ALONG THIS RIDGE.

>> AND MY HORSEMEN SHALL STRIKE HERE ALONG THIS RIDGE. >> OH, MY GOD!

[ SCREAMING ] >> WHAT THE HELL, DUDE? >> I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO

DO THAT. >> OH, MY MAP! LOOK AT THE STATE OF MY MAP.

GO, COVER IT. >> I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY.

IT LIKE SPURTS WHEN I DO THIS THING WITH MY FINGER. LIKE I SAID, I’M SORRY.

>> CLOSE YOUR HAND! CLOSE YOUR HAND, MAN! >> I WILL.

BUT I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU WHAT’S GOING ON WITH IT. >> WELL, WE’RE AWARE, SO CLOSE

YOUR HAND. >> LOOK AT MY MAP, MAN, MY MAP. >> I ALREADY SAID I’M SORRY

ABOUT YOUR MAP. >> HOW BAD DID YOU CUT YOURSELF, MAN?

>> I DON’T KNOW. I’M AFRAID TO LOOK. >> WELL, I SAW A LIGAMENT.

LIGAMENTS OUT. WHY WOULD YOU SLICE YOUR HAND SO DEEP?

>> I TOLD YOU THAT WE DON’T DO BLOOD OATHS IN MY TRIBE. WE DROWN A DOVE AND THEN WE

THROW IT IN A FIRE. >> OKAY. RANDOM.

>> I’M SORRY. I RUINED THE WHOLE MEETING. MAP GUY HATES ME.

THE GIRL THINKS I’M A LOSER. IT’S JUST SUCH A FLOP, GUYS. >> OH, PERFECT.

SURELY, WE WILL LOSE NOW. >> YOU SILENCE YOUR WICKED

TONGUE. AND I HAVE A BADGE.

AS WE CAN ALL SEE, NIGHT HAS FALLEN. AND IT HAS GROWN EXTREMELY DARK

IN THIS ROOM. >> NO, IT HASN’T. >> IT’S THE BLOOD LOSS, MAN, THE

BLOOD LOSS. >> GOLFEN BATTLE HORNS. >> THE HOUR HAS COME.

WE MUST RIDE AT ONCE, TO VICTORY. >> TO VICTORY!

>> TO VICTORY!

>>> ONCE AGAIN, WILLOW! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪

♪ THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO ♪

♪ I KNOW THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO ♪ ♪ SHE USED TO BE MINE NOW SHE’S YOURS

AND THAT’S FINE ♪ ♪ GUESS I RAN OUT OF TIME TO PLEASE

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE ANGRY YOU’RE SO SHADY ♪ ♪ I GAVE YOU YOUR LADY

SUCH A SHAME YOU’D FORGET ME ME ME ME ♪

♪ ME ME ME ME ♪ ♪

♪ THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO ♪

♪ I KNOW THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO ♪ ♪ I CAN’T SEE YOU I DON’T NEED TO

YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GOOD TOGETHER ♪ ♪ OH MY GOD

YEAH ME TOO YOU’RE A STRANGER ♪ ♪ WHEN I SEE YOU

I DON’T SPEAK SEE YOU I CAN’T BREATHE ♪

♪

>> ALL RIGHT GUYS, DENVER IS COUNTING ON US TO COME UP WITH NEW SLOGANS FOR THE CITY.

>> HOW ABOUT DENVER, THE SKY’S THE LIMIT.

GOOD. I WAS THINKING DENVER, GATEWAY TO THE ROCKIES.

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW WE’RE TALKING. >> WHO EVEN CARES.

ATTITUDE ALL MORNING. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? >> NOTHING, NOTHING, IT’S JUST

THAT NOBODY NOTICED. >> NOTICED WHAT? >> NOBODY NOTICED I GOT MY EYES

REPLACED. >> OH, YES, JANINE, WE DEFINITELY NOTICED.

WE HAD AN EMERGENCY MEETING ABOUT IT THE SECOND YOU WALKED IN THE DOOR.

>> ULTIMATELY, WE DECIDED THAT LEGALLY, IT WOULDN’T BE SAFEST IF WE JUST DIDN’T PRETEND WE SAW

IT. >> EXCEPT YOU BROUGHT IT UP. WHY DID YOU DO THIS, JANINE?

>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS. NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW LOUANN GOT A HUGE FAKE RACK.

>> I LITERALLY DIDN’T. >> OH, MY GOD, GOOD FOR YOU. >> JANINE, JANINE, I CAN’T HELP

BUT FEELING THAT YOU MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE. >> OH, MY GOD, NO, IT IS TOTALLY

REVERSIBLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS KEEP MY OLD EYES REFRIGERATED.

OH, MY GOD, NO. OH, MY GOD, I FORGOT TO KEEP MY OLD EYES REFRIGERATED.

OH, MY GOD. THEY ARE IN MY POCKET. OH, MY GOD, THEY ARE STILL GOOD,

RIGHT? CAN YOU SMELL THEM AND TELL ME THEY ARE STILL GOOD, RIGHT?

ARE YOU SMELLING THEM? I CAN’T SEE YOUR GUYS’ REACTION AND TELL ME?

WHAT IS YOUR FACIAL REACTIONS? >> WAIT, YOUR EYES ARE WORSE NOW?

>> YES, 100%. >> THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT? >> TO IMPROVE MY APPEARANCE.

>> BUT IT LOOKS WORSE. >> OH, MY GOD, NO.

LATE. >> HEY, CHARLES, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW EYEBALLS?

>> AND I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO CHURCH. >> HEY, GUYS, SERIOUSLY, CAN WE

FOCUS UP AND JUST GET BACK TO BUSINESS, OKAY. >> OKAY.

>> HOW ABOUT THIS, DENVER, CITY OF ANGELS. THAT IS LOS ANGELES.

>> OH, MY GOD, NO. ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> YES, THAT IS FAMOUSLY

LOS ANGELES. CAN’T CRY.

BECAUSE THE TEARS GO BACK INSIDE DROWN.

>> YOUR BRAIN WILL DROWN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? >> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU PEOPLE

SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. TODAY, YOU PUT A WOMAN’S BODY ON TRIAL.

>> YOU BROUGHT IT UP. WHEN I CAME IN THIS MORNING WITH A LOT OF GREAT PITCHES LIKE

DENVER, CITY OF ANGELS. DENVER, KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD. >> YOU KNOW WE CAN’T DO THAT.

>> I QUIT. AND I’M LEAVING NOT IN DISGRACE, BUT WITH DIGNITY, ELEGANCE AND

CLASS, AND I’M TAKING WITH ME, MY PORTFOLIO. >> OKAY.

THAT IS COFFEE CAKE. >> AND OF COURSE, I WILL BE TAKING MY JACKET.

>> AND WITH THAT, LADIES AND >> OH, ELLEN, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT

YOU WERE IN HERE. YOU LOOK AMAZING. YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT IS TO PAY

A COMPLIMENT TO A FRIEND. >> JANINE, THAT IS NOT A HUMAN BEING.

IT IS A WATER COOLER. >> I WILL LEAVE YOU ALL WITH THIS, LIFE COMES AT YOU PRETTY

FAST, AND IF YOU BLINK, YOU MIGHT JUST MISS IT. MEANWHILE, I’M NOT GOING TO MISS

A THING. [ APPLAUSE ] >> SO, DENVER, IF YOU BLINK

YOU’LL MISS IT. >> I LOVE THAT. THAT SOUNDS REALLY GOOD.

>>> THANKS TO WILLOW, COLIN FARRELL, ALL OF THE CAST AND LORNE MICHAELS, AND ELI AND

THE BAND, AND FOR ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS WEEK ONE OF THE MOST SPECIAL WEEKS AND ALL

OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS A PEOPLE I HAVE COME ACROSS IN NEW

YORK AND A VERY SPECIAL AUDIENCE. THANK YOU.

♪