Original subtitles

Louie!

Louie!

I'm such a fan.

Oh, my God,

you are funny.

All right.

Let's get started.

Go ahead, sit down.

Get... Yes.

Sit down,

we're just starting.

There's no opening act.

Fuck it,

just let's start.

Let's just start.

Get your seats.

Get your beers, every...

go ahead.

Sit down.

Kill the house lights,

let's just start.

Let's just start the show.

There's no point in, um,

screwing around.

I'll do all the announcements

that you would have heard.

Please turn off

your cell phones.

Don't...

I mean, you can take pictures,

but turn off the flash.

That's stupid,

because it's not...

Like when you're watching

the World Series

and there's all...

Like, your flash is lighting

Yankee Stadium.

Just leave your flash off.

If you have...

Don't yell out during the show.

If you have something you want

to say to me, totally...

This is what we do,

we write it down.

And then you go outside

in the lobby

and then you go home

and you kill yourself.

Because that's selfish.

This is a rhetorical

performance.

It's got

nothing to do with you.

Don't text or Twitter

during the show.

Just live your life.

Don't keep telling people what

you're doing.

Just... Because also...

Also...

it lights up your

big dumb face.

It lights it up.

I see this beautiful sea of

darkness and then just one guy.

So don't do that.

Uh, what else?

No Jews, I think they

said that earlier.

But I just...

they told me I have to say it.

Jews aren't allowed.

If you're Jewish, this is a good

time to go if you're...

If you see somebody

kind of Jewy-looking,

please tell an usher

and they will, um...

Sir, come on, let's go.

Come on, let's go.

But I'm really glad

you're here.

This is a sizeable crowd,

this is a big place.

This is about

2,500 people here.

And that's, um...

that's a lot of people.

That's enough people

to be, like,

a sample of the population.

2,500 people is enough people

that you're all

going to experience...

There's enough people

here to say

that within two months,

at least one of you will die.

I'm just saying.

I think it's probably

accurate to say

that out of any random

group of 2,500 people,

not all of you are gonna make it

to Christmas, unfortunately.

There's gonna be...

At least one of you

here tonight

is going to ruin

your family's Christmas

by dying a shitty death,

and I don't know who it is,

I'm sorry.

I don't know,

your death is, whatever.

Some people, they want you to do

things when they die

with their... Like, "I want you

to take my ashes and sprinkle..."

Fuck you, I'm not doing

none of that shit.

You're dead,

I'm not gonna run errands for

you after you're dead.

You don't matter anymore.

Some people try to do something,

you know,

noble with their bodies.

They try to have their bodies

have some use

after they're dead, which

I think is a good thought.

You're only

borrowing your body.

You're only borrowing

everything.

If your body is worth anything

when you're done with it,

you should pass it on.

That's something

I really believe.

I mean, I'm not gonna do it

because I don't want to...

Ew, it's mine.

I don't want...

I don't...

I have a lot of beliefs

and I live by none of them.

That's just the way I am.

They're just my beliefs,

I just like believing them.

I like that part.

They're my little "believees,"

they make me feel good

about who I am,

but if they get

in the way of a thing I want,

or I want to jack off or

something, I fucking do that.

But...

But some people take it...

My grandma,

grandmother, she...

For the layman.

My grandmother, she gave her

body to a medical school

for it to just be

examined and dissected,

which is a good thought

for that,

but her survivors,

her family, that was a person.

That was my grandmother.

She used to wear glasses

and say things.

And now she's just

shaved head on a metal table

with a hung over medical student

trying to dig out her pancreas

and he gets an "F."

Imagine being the body where

the kid got an "F" on you.

The teacher is like,

"No, you idiot!"

And he writes "F" on her tit

with a Sharpie

and just throws her down a chute

on the pile of "F" bodies.

So, I don't care about her.

Shut up, idiot.

Shut your fucking mouth.

Did you hear me before?

Okay, so what am I gonna do

with my body?

I'm gonna die

and I've gotta tell people

what to do with

my remains.

And I have an idea for something

to do with my body,

or for other people

to do with it

that will do good in the world,

and it doesn't exist yet

as like an institution,

but I'm gonna create it

starting with my body.

And what it is, it's a place

where you can go

and be with a dead body

and you just do

whatever you want.

And the point of this

is that there are people

out there

who have sexual compulsions

and they can't control them

and so they go and they bother

alive people.

And this,

you get it out of your system.

This is the deal.

You go in the room,

there's nobody else with you,

you get 90 minutes.

You just do

whatever you want.

Whatever it is.

Shit in my mouth.

You wanna...

stick my toe in your

pussy, piss on my face.

Whatever is the thing

you gotta do.

Jack off with

the cartilage of my ear.

Whatever is your heart's

desire.

I want to be

the Willy Wonka for perverts.

♪ You can come on my back ♪

♪ And pretend that I am

your father ♪

♪ I am dead I don't mind ♪

Well, you know, sexual

perversion is a problem, it's...

You can't stop it, people gotta

do what they gotta do,

and, you know, this

country is pretty perverted.

I mean, we have to jack off

to everything.

There's nothing

that just gets...

There's not like sex and...

sex is in everything.

You watch the news and there's

a woman like telling you,

"Oh, and in Libya..."

I'm like, yeah?

Tell me about Libya.

Say Libya again.

Come on, fucking right up

to the screen.

My flat-screen.

Come on, say Libya again,

mmm.

It should just be a person.

"In Libya."

Why does it have to all be

so sexualized?

And music, like everything,

every musician is attractive.

Isn't that a weird coincidence

that everyone who can play music

also looks good?

I would have thought

there would be like

one ugly guy with a guitar

who would be amazing,

but fucking zero.

And there's like teen-pop idols

who are children.

And they're on TV

like going, oh, mmm!

It's a kid!

And folks are

jacking off to them.

"Folks."

Folks are jacking off.

♪ Well folks are jacking off

to the girls on TV ♪

Some of them

are really young.

I can't think... I don't know

their names.

I don't have

that knowledge anymore.

I'm too old.

Britney Spears... when I think of

a teen idol, is Britney Spears.

That's how old I am.

Because she's my age now.

That's how long ago that was,

she caught up to me.

When I was 35, she was 18,

and now we're both

44 years old.

So that's how little I know

about who these people are.

I was thinking the other day,

what if there was a baby

who was born who...

And there's been

a lot of fucked-up babies.

There's all kinds

of babies born.

There's been babies with,

you know,

connected at the face,

to a dog or whatever.

There's been...

babies with three legs,

with hands on them.

There's been...

Chinese babies.

That's...

Okay, that's...

That's the worst thing

I ever said.

I think I just finally said the

worst thing I have ever said.

That was totally

unredeeming and horrible.

And it feels good.

It feels good

to have found bottom.

There's a comfort in knowing

that I just said the worst thing

I'll ever say in the rest

of my life.

It's good.

All right.

Yeah, I'm not a good guy,

I am not.

I wish I was a good guy.

I like the idea

of being a good guy.

Sometimes I have an opportunity

to be a good guy,

but then I don't

necessarily do it.

I was on a plane once and I was

flying first class

because I had a thing.

I fly first class,

who cares?

That's the way it is.

I don't...

I'm not like you.

I'm not, I'm not.

All the things you do,

I do a better version

of all those things.

And...

it's only for another year

at the most, believe me.

It's not gonna last.

It's been about eight months,

I got a year left,

and then I'm back

to being just like you.

But for now, yeah,

it's pretty good.

So...

I'm in a first-class seat,

and first class

is so crazily better.

It's so much better.

You get a bigger seat,

you get food.

It's... They fly on

a shitty airline.

You think they get

to go in a cool green plane

with a red light.

Go, go, go!

No, they just go to Delta

and they just wait in line

to go to a war!

And they always fly coach.

I've never seen a soldier in

first class in my life.

It could be

a full bird colonel,

he's between two fat guys

in coach.

And they're always nice.

I've never seen a soldier

get on a plane like,

"Yeah, I'm in the army.

Fuck you... I have a gun!"

They're always like, "Yes, sir,"

"Thank you very much, ma'am."

It's like having

an extra flight attendant

to help everybody put

their shit up.

They're awesome.

And every time that I see

a soldier on a plane,

I always think, you know what,

I should give him my seat.

It would be the right thing

to do,

it would be easy to do and

it would mean a lot to him.

I could go up to him,

"Hey, son"...

I get to call him son...

"Hey son, go ahead

and take my seat."

Because I'm in first class why?

For being a professional

asshole.

I'm in first class

because I talk about babies

with big dicks.

That's what got me my seat.

This guy is giving his life for

the country, he thinks.

And so he has to sit...

But that's good enough,

that's good enough!

The fact that he thinks it.

I'm serious.

He's fucking told by

everybody in his life system

that that's a great thing to do

and he's doing it

and it's scary

but he's doing it

and he's sitting in this

shitty seat,

and I should trade with him.

I never have.

Let me make that clear.

I've never done it once.

I've had so many

opportunities.

I never even really

seriously came close.

And here's the worst part:

I still just enjoyed

the fantasy

for myself to enjoy.

I was actually

proud of myself

for having thought of it.

I was proud.

Oh, I am such a sweet man.

That is so nice of me.

To think of doing that

and then totally never do it.

At least you should be good

just to the people,

just turn a good face to the

people that you see in life.

I don't do that either.

Because when I get...

Like I get in the elevator

of my building,

that's my first

contact with human beings

always after being home and just

being disgusting for hours.

Then I come out

in the elevator

and there's always a guy

in my elevator who's nice,

and I hate it.

I get really upset when people

say nice things to me.

That's not a good impulse.

I get in the elevator and

there's always this one guy

who just, he sticks his face

right in the front of his

fucking head, and he...

"Hi."

Like he just floats it out there

like a big balloon, you know?

"Hey, how's it going?"

Ew.

I get upset, I get cagey.

I get this weird impulse that

I want to come on his face.

I don't know why

that's the thing,

but that's what

I think about,

is that I wish I could just

secrete come

without the sexual workup,

like, as a defense you know,

like, a squid or a skunk.

Not sexually,

I mean aggressively.

"Hi!"

"Jesus, man.

You just came in my eye."

I just want to go downstairs,

I don't want to talk.

All right, this is going

a little off the rails.

I don't remember what I was...

trying to say.

I would like to be

a better person.

I would.

I would like to be

a better person

and I think

I'm getting worse as a person,

because as you get older,

you start finding out...

Like, let me give you an example

before I...

I rented a car a couple

weeks ago in Los Angeles.

Had the car for a few days

and then when I went home,

I had to drop the car

at the rental place.

You know, you gotta go to

the rental place

that's off the airport.

Give them the car, give them

your thing with the mileage.

You gotta get on a bus

and then go to your terminal

and check in.

I was late.

And I was worried about

missing my flight,

so I knew I had no

time to do any of that,

so I never did this before...

I just drove my car right

to the terminal

and just left it there.

And I got on the plane.

And once I was on the plane and

I had a little moment,

I called Hertz and I said,

"Hey listen, your car is sitting

out in front of terminal 4,

and the keys are in it,

so that's where it is."

And the guy's like,

"You can't do that.

You have to return it to this

location and then..."

And I go, "Well,

I didn't do that already,

"and now I'm leaving

California.

"So if you want your car,

you need to go to that place

where it is."

And he was like,

"Oh Jesus, man.

All right, we'll get it."

And he...

That was the end of it!

And I realized I could do this

every time!

Every time I rented a car,

because of course they want you

to do all that shit,

but if you don't,

they still want the car back.

They're gonna send a dude.

You could drive a car

'til you don't want it

and just get out of it while

it's moving and just walk away.

Well, I don't feel like being in

that car any longer.

Just call Hertz, "Your car is

drifting into the intersection

"of 28th and Broadway,

if you're interested,

it's now your problem."

But see, this is

a terrible realization,

because you should

act in a way

that if everybody

acted that way,

things would work out.

Because it would be mayhem if

everybody was like that.

And most people

kind of don't care.

Most people are very selfish.

Most people don't give a shit

what happens

as long as they get

to do their favorite thing.

People don't even want to back

off from their favorite thing.

They won't even do their

second-favorite thing.

Like, you ever seen somebody

in traffic...

They're at an intersection

and they want to make a left,

but they're in the right,

all the way right lane

because they messed up.

So now, okay, here's the guy,

he's in the right lane

and there's a lot

of cars, like Sixth Avenue.

Like a lot of cars and he wants

to make that left.

So what does he do?

He just does it anyway,

he just goes ahead

and he just shoves his car

through everybody's life

without any...

and everybody's "beep,"

honking and outraged

and you always see the guy go,

"I have to, I have to!

"There's no other possible thing

I could do!

"What else could I do

except go up one more block

"and then go left

and take four seconds?

"That's not my favorite way,

though!

That only meets

99% of my criteria!"

But I'm selfish.

I would like to be a better

person, 'cause I got kids,

and I want, you know,

to pass on a better...

But sometimes it's not clear

what the right thing is to do,

like, one time I threw

a candy wrapper on the street.

And I didn't do it like,

"Yeah!"

I just... "Yeah,

take that shit, street."

I did it because I was,

you know, shaking,

I wanted the candy.

Anyway, I was with a friend

who said to me,

"You just littered

on the street,

don't you care

about the environment?"

And I thought about it,

I said, "You know what?

"This isn't the environment.

"This is New York City.

"This is not

the environment.

This is where people live."

New York City is not

the environment.

New York City

is a giant piece of litter.

It's like the giantest...

next to Mexico City,

the shittiest piece of litter

in the world.

Just a pussy, runny, smoking,

stinking piece of litter.

So if you

have a piece of litter,

what are you supposed

to do with it?

You should throw it

in the pile of litter!

Because if you don't,

if you put it in a receptacle,

then it gets collected.

And it gets taken

to a dump and a landfill

and it goes on a boat

and it goes out

and gets dumped in the ocean

and some dolphin wears it as

a hat on its face for ten years,

this hat that never dissolves,

on its face.

Ugh.

Jesus.

I mean, everything that

we introduce to the world

is shitty.

Meaning white people.

Because...

I really think that white people

are from another planet.

Because when we came

to America, it was so nice.

It was just Indians...

and they

weren't even Indians!

We called them that

by accident

and we still call them that!

Like we knew in a month

that it wasn't Indians,

but we just don't give a shit.

We never correct it.

We came here, they were like

"Hi," and we were like,

"Hey, you're Indians, right?"

And they're like, "No."

"No, this is India,

right?"

"No, it's not,

it's totally another place."

"You're not Indians?"

"No."

"Ah, you're Indians."

You're Indians for

hundreds of years after.

We ruined everything here.

This was the great...

It was just coast to coast,

green, brown and beautiful.

And all the humans were just

walking around

with painted faces just walking,

and they'd be like,

"Oh, that looks yummy,"

and they would just eat

from the ground

and then they'd

sleep on the grass,

and they'd wake up

and they'd fuck

and then they'd go for

a swim and do a little dance.

That was the whole continent,

was just folks doing that.

I mean, there was people in

Mexico cutting off kids' heads

and rolling them down

the pyramid stairs,

but that's, I mean...

that's always going on,

you can't...

You can't do

a whole lot about that.

But I think we came from

another planet,

and the reason is because

we don't like it here.

I mean why,

if we're from here,

if we belong on Earth,

why aren't we comfortable on

Earth at all?

We need nice, smooth

surfaces and right angles

and we need it to be cool,

not too much, just a little,

just perfect!

Like why when it's hot,

why wouldn't we just...

Yeah, fuck it!

Why wouldn't we be like

that if we belonged here?

And it's weird because people,

people that aren't,

whatever you call the,

you know,

there's environmentalists

and then there's people

who are whatever.

They just hate

environmentalists.

But that's the thing, people get

angry at environmentalists

because they think they're

slowing down the economy

and creating restrictions,

and a lot of these people

are Christian.

A lot of these people

are very devout Christians.

And that's such a confusing

thing to me,

that if you believe

that God gave you the Earth,

that God created the Earth

for you,

why would you not

have to look after it?

Why the fuck...

Why would you not think that

when he came back

he wouldn't go, "What

the fuck did you do?

"I gave this to you,

motherfucker, are you crazy?

"The polar bears are brown!

"What did you...

"What did you do

to the polar bears?

"Did you shit all over every

polar bear?

"Who did this?

"Who spilled this shit?

"Who spilled this?

"Come over, did you fucking

spill this?

What is that?"

"It's oil.

"It's just some oil.

I didn't mean to spill it."

"Well, why did you take it out

of the fucking ground?"

"Because I wanted

to go faster.

I'm not fast enough...

and I was cold."

"What the fuck do you

mean cold?

I gave you everything you

needed, you piece of shit!"

"Well, because jobs and...

I wanted..."

"What is a job?

What is... Explain to me

what's a fucking job."

"Like, you work at a place

and people call

when their game doesn't work and

you help them figure it out."

"What do you do that for?"

"For money."

"What do you need money for?"

"Food."

"Just eat the shit

on the floor.

"I left shit

all over the floor.

"Fucking corn and wheat

and shit.

Ground it up, make some

bread, what are you doing?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't have,

like, bacon around it

and like, I like when

it has, like, bacon on it."

I watched somebody do that

the other day after a meal.

They went,

"Oh, it was just mwah!"

Mwah!

And I started wondering,

what does that mean,

what does that signify, "Mwah."

I think what it means is that

you ate something so delicious

that you then kissed somebody

on the asshole

and their asshole exploded.

That's some good eating.

That's a nice sauce.

Is that good?

Yeah, let me show you.

Shit.

Let me have some of that.

That just destroyed

my anus.

Anyway, I got kids and um,

sort of what

I'm trying to say.

It's hard having kids because

it's boring.

That really is the

hardest part of having kids.

Ask any parent,

what's the hard part?

Is it looking after their

healthcare?

Is it making sure

that their education...

No, it's just being with them

on the floor

while they be children.

It's just...

They read "Clifford

the Big Red Dog" to you

at a rate of 50

minutes a page.

And you have to sit there

and be horribly proud and bored

at the same time.

I hate

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

I hate him.

There's 50 books about

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

50 books.

There's seven books

about Narnia

that cover the birth and death

of a nation,

and mice with swords

and a lion who's a god.

They did it in seven books.

50 books about Clifford

the Big Red Dog.

And they all tell

the exact same story.

Look how big this dog is.

That's it.

Look how big this dog is.

It's the whole book.

Here's how big he was

at the firehouse.

Here's how big

he was at Thanksgiving.

Who gives a shit?

You just drew him big.

You just, on purpose,

made him bigger than people.

It should be "Look how big

I drew the dog in this book.

Isn't that a mistake?"

There's no story.

You maybe even just drew him

closer to the page,

I don't even know

if you did it honestly.

Tell a story about Clifford.

Make something happen where

maybe he steps on a policeman

and shatters his spine

and it's devastating

to the community.

He hangs on for

two months and then dies,

and there's a whole, you know,

funeral with bagpipes

and everybody's crying.

And Clifford gets

the death penalty

and there's a whole book

about his appeal process

and how he found Jesus, but

everybody said it was bullshit

and the cop's wife was like,

"I want that dog dead!"

And then he goes to the chair

and they shave all his

red fur off

and now he's

Clifford the Big Pink Dog.

And they put him on a big,

funny electric chair

that the town

got together and built.

It's boring having kids.

You gotta play kid games.

You gotta play

board games.

Little kid board games

where you...

And you go, tick,

tick, tick, tick, tick.

You got a six, honey.

"One...

"two...

three."

It's just here,

just go here.

It's just...

"Daddy, I'm learning."

I know, you're gonna grow up

stupid because I'm bored.

I can't take it, baby,

I can't, I can't watch it.

I'm bored more

than I love you.

I can't, I just...

Come on.

My girls are six

and nine now.

They're actually

a really exciting age,

because they're learning to do

some cool stuff.

I play Monopoly with my kids.

That's really fun.

My nine-year-old, she can

totally do Monopoly.

The six-year-old actually

totally gets how the game works,

but she's not emotionally

developed enough

to handle her inevitable loss

in every game of Monopoly

because a Monopoly loss

is dark.

It's heavy.

It's not like, when you lose at,

you know, Candyland,

"Oh, you got stuck in

the fudgy thing, baby.

"Oh well, you're in the gummy

twirly oh's

and you didn't get to win."

But when she loses

in Monopoly,

I gotta look at her little face

and I go,

Okay, so here's what's

gonna happen now, okay?

All your property,

everything you have,

the railroads, your houses,

all your money,

that's mine now.

You've got to give it

all to me.

Give it to me.

That's right.

And no, no, you can't play

anymore, see,

because even though you're

giving me all of that,

it doesn't even touch

how much you owe me.

Doesn't even touch it, baby.

You're going down hard.

It's really bad.

All you've been working

for all day,

I'm going to take it now

and I'm gonna use it to destroy

your sister.

I mean, I'm gonna ruin her.

It's just mayhem on this board

for her now.

When you have kids,

you also have to belong to

kid-and-parent culture.

You have to know a lot of

parents and a lot of other kids.

You have to hang out

with other kids.

Sometimes they're

not even kids you know.

Like when I go to parks with my

kids, I play with them.

I play with my kids.

Some people don't do that.

They neglect... They just take

their kids to the park

so they don't

have to talk to them.

And those kids kind of glom on

to our shit.

Like I'll be sitting at the park

playing a fun game with my kids

and then there's this woman at

a bench, she's got her phone,

she's staring at her phone

and her kid's like,

"Mommy, talk..."

"Leave me alone, I'm trying to

cheat on your father.

Stop it!"

And then the kid comes up to us,

"Can I be in your family?"

It's creepy.

One time I was at a swimming

pool with my kids,

a public pool,

and I had my daughter,

my six-year-old on my arm

like this.

She was, like, clamped on,

and she's kicking.

It was so much fun.

And then she got off and another

random child just clamped on.

Blech!

It's like a rat!

Get off of me!

"But I love you!"

I don't know you, kid.

Stop it.

I think that's kid's dead,

I don't know.

I don't know what happened.

Some kids in my kid's class,

I like some of those kids.

Some of those kids are cool,

they come over to my house,

they play with...

I like them.

Other kids I don't like.

Especially little boys.

Little boys in my kid's class,

I hate them.

I hate little boys.

I'm like the opposite

of a pedophile.

I just hate...

There's one kid in my daughter's

class who I hate so much.

And it's really fucked up

because I'm 44,

and I hate a six-year-old.

I mean, I hate him with

a grown-up, pre-occupying hate.

I've thought about him three

times since I came out here.

That's how much I really hate

this kid.

I'm gonna tell you about him,

and I have to make up a name

because he's a real child who

lives in this city,

so I have to make up a name

in order to tell the story

about him.

Um, his name, Jizzanthepuss.

Let's just call him

Jizzanthepuss.

Fine, okay.

He's in my daughter's class,

they're in first grade.

And when we take

our kids to class,

there's a little procedure.

You bring your kid to school

and they have their backpack

and their jacket

and they go to their cubby

and they take it all off and

they put it in the cubby

and then they take

their homework folder

and their lunchbox

and put them in the bins.

Those are their little

responsibilities,

you help them do it

so they'll blah-blah-blah.

But Jizzanthepuss...

when he comes in,

he doesn't do

none of that shit.

He just walks in and just sheds

it all, he just...

And his mom, his weak,

piece-of-shit mom,

picks it all up.

I hate his mother

because you hate a weak parent

when you're a parent,

because it's like you're raising

Hitler, motherfucker,

do your job!

Get in there!

If our parent group in our class

were a platoon of soldiers,

she'd be the one that

we put soap bars in socks and...

we'd frag that bitch

in her sleep.

She would wash

right the fuck out.

She wouldn't make it.

When Jizzanthepuss drops his

shit, this bitch picks it up,

she doesn't...

She just goes,

"Oh, Jizzanthepuss,

"he's just like a baby,

I'm just...

"I'll get it, though,

and then I'll put it all

in the bins for him."

And she puts it

all away for him,

which frees him up to punch

other kids in the face.

Because he's a shitty,

horrible, violent child.

One time I was at school, and I

was volunteering at recess.

It's something you do

if you're a good parent.

About once a month

or whatever it is,

you go to school

and you just stand there,

you watch recess,

you masturbate.

Whatever you want to do.

All right, that is now

the worst thing.

That's the worst thing.

Now, that's the worst thing

I ever said.

Okay, all right, okay,

we'll find it.

I mean, you could,

it's a public school,

nobody would even give a shit.

I haven't thus far.

Hasn't gotten that bad.

Anyway, I'm watching recess,

and recess is a trip.

If you've never been to recess,

it's intense because

it's like the universe.

Like you know if you watch

the ocean crash,

waves on the beach

for a long time,

you start feeling

like you're understanding

how everything works?

That's what recess is like,

because every natural chaotic

energy is represented at recess.

There's kids swirling around in

these big roiling, crazy things,

there's one kid just

spazzing out

just to some singularity kid,

just a binary system of two kids

holding hands

and they're running and just

clotheslining every child

at a certain height.

They're keeping a uniform height

to the playground.

So I'm watching recess

and I see Jizzanthepuss and he's

walking with this evil...

This kid is like evil

stuck out of time.

He's like... I always picture him

in a gray fur coat

with bones in it

and lots of rings from people

that he killed,

and just walking.

And then I see my daughter

and she's standing there

just by herself,

and there's Jizzanthepuss

and I know he's going for her,

it was like an action movie-

thriller thing.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun,

dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!

And I think to myself,

I gotta go over there

and I gotta protect her,

but then I thought, let him do

a little something first.

Let him do just a little

something because I wanna...

I want this kid

in my life.

I want...

I want a reason.

I want aerial photos of him

doing some shit to my family

that I can bring to the UN

and get authority to waterboard

this little motherfucker.

I want to...

I want to get him on a flight

to Venezuela

with an envelope on his head

and duct tape and all that shit.

So anyway, he goes for her,

grabs her arm

and starts twisting it

and she goes, "Ah!"

I run over, I'm just knocking

kids over, I run, grab him,

and I look in his little face

and I go,

"Listen to me, Jizzanthepuss,

"if you ever,

ever in your life

touch her again"...

And as I'm

doing this I realize,

this is not cool that

I'm doing this.

This is totally inappropriate.

It's really wrong.

It's way over the top,

it's too grown-up,

it's like he's a drug dealer in

my building that I finally find.

"This ends now, motherfucker,

I will cut you, I don't care."

And he's, "Wah!"

Just starts crying pitifully

and I really,

I just walked away from him.

I just got away.

And then all the teachers,

everybody...

"Jizzanthepuss,

what's wrong with you?"

And he's like...

And he couldn't articulate it,

because he's not getting

educated, fuck him.

I was there going, yeah, you

could have told on me, bitch,

but you're too stupid now,

which is your own fault.

You future ditch-digging

piece of shit.

Oh, I'm gonna

love watching you

grow up into nothing,

motherfucker.

I'm gonna watch it

and I'm gonna fuck your mom

and not call her, too.

I'm gonna ruin her summer.

I'm gonna fuck your mom twice

and then never call her.

And I don't know your dad

because he ran out on you,

but I'm gonna find him,

I'm gonna turn myself gay and

then I'm gonna fuck him, too.

I'm gonna suck his dick

so good

that he just has

to change his whole life.

And I'm gonna move into a place

with him in the Village

for a couple months

and totally...

He'll cut off ties to all his

life and start wearing cutoffs

that are really tight,

and he'll just...

And then I'll go to some

Christian turn-you-not-gay place

and I'll come back and go,

"What's wrong with you,

faggot?"

and make him feel bad inside,

like, what has he done.

Well, you gotta

protect your kids.

You know, you gotta protect

your kids.

You gotta do it, man.

A lot of people will talk

the talk but, you know.

A lot of people say that shit,

"I would throw myself under

a bus for my children."

Oh yeah?

Would you fuck another kid's dad

and confuse him sexually

and yourself

sexually in the process

and use homophobia that

you hate against another person

just because some kid shoved

your kid for a second?

That's my baby girl,

I gotta do it, son.

I gotta suck that dick,

that's my baby girl,

I gotta do it for her.

All right.

All right, I hate that child,

that's what I'm trying to say.

I've been thinking about

my memories

because I have kids now,

and my kids are at an age where

I remember being their age.

I remember

being a six-year-old,

I remember being

a nine-year-old.

That's a big threshold that

my kids have crossed,

is that I remember

being their age.

Because when

you're raising kids,

you're not raising the kid

in front of you,

you're raising the grownup

that they're gonna be later.

And I was a kid once.

When they were babies,

I didn't really relate to them

because they're babies.

A baby is not going

to remember shit

that is happening to it.

If you have a baby, keep it

alive and enjoy yourself.

But really, the baby,

it's not gonna matter.

A baby is not accumulating

anything.

It's like an Etch-A-Sketch

that you shake every day.

It doesn't really...

it doesn't matter.

You go up... you could go up to

your baby's face everyday

and go, "Fuck you, baby!"

Everyday,

what does it matter?

You could do that every day

and it wouldn't matter.

I mean, they'll grow up

with a general sadness inside,

but they won't...

they won't

actually remember why.

And memories are weird

because memories get distorted

by who you are now

and who you were

when you experienced them.

Like, I remember when I first

started doing stand-up,

I was living in Boston

and there was one club

that was owned by a gay guy.

And my memory is that that guy

was always trying to fuck me.

That's my memory.

I've carried it for 20 years.

There was a gay guy tried to

fuck me all the time.

Now recently I caught up

with an old friend of mine

from those days

who I hadn't seen in years.

And we started talking about

different people

and he brought him up.

And I said, "That guy always

used to try to fuck me."

And he goes, "He did?"

And I was like, "Yeah!"

And he goes, "Really?

"Did he... I mean, did he take

you to his house or something

and really try to physically..."

"No, it's just that

you know what I mean,

he tried to fuck me

all the time."

He's like, "Well, did he say,

did he push you and say stuff

all the time and make you

uncomfortable?"

"No, it just was..."

And as we went through it,

I finally...

the truth that came out was,

the whole story really was

there once was a gay man.

That's it.

That's really what happened.

He was gay, I was 19.

And now, he tried to fuck me

all the time,

like I went through

life with that.

But I'm trying to remember

what is my first memory.

How far did my memories go?

And I remember my first memory,

I was four years old,

and I was standing

in front of my parents' house

and I was shitting in my pants.

I was just shitting a massive,

terribly painful shit.

And I was halfway

through the shit.

That's my first memory,

is being halfway...

The first half of the shit,

I don't remember it.

That's still in

the ether of infancy.

The center of this shit

was so wide that it...

I actually came online

as a result of the anal pain

that I was experiencing.

It actually awakened me and...

... into the stream of

consciousness I'm now living.

That's how my life started,

that's who I am.

A lot of my

memories I don't like.

I don't like when I was a

teenager, I hated all that time.

I hated being a teenager

and then

I discovered drugs,

and then that's all I gave

a shit about.

I don't know how

I'm gonna tell my kids.

How the fuck do you

compete with that?

How do you take

a miserable person

with no control over

their lives

and tell them with a straight

face, "You can't do drugs.

You can't do that, baby."

All drugs are are a perfect

solution to every problem

you have right now.

How do you beat that?

Drugs are so fucking good that

they'll ruin your life.

That's how good they are.

I can't do drugs now

because I'm 44

and I can't hook it up.

I can't make that happen.

If you're 44 and you wanna get

high, you gotta hurt your back.

That's pretty much

the only option you have.

Hurt your back, get some

Percocet, and then go,

I'll get a babysitter and take

three at a diner.

Just sad,

I'm a little drowsy, woo!

I never really could

have like a...

I wish I was a drunk.

I love romantically the idea

of being a real drunk,

in my bathrobe all day.

Everybody who loves me

is always crying,

"He's destroying himself,

I can't watch anymore."

Shut up, ew, yeah.

Showing up at my kid's school

play halfway through.

"You show them

who you are, baby!"

I wish I could be that guy.

But I can't drink

because I just get tired.

I go to sleep.

I don't know how people drink

and then do shit.

Like when I see

movies or TV shows

where there's people

in an office

having a power meeting

and they're "clink, clink..."

They're making a drink in the

daylight with a tie on.

"Well, Senator,

I hope you play ball with us

in this construction deal,

if you know what I'm saying."

"Yeah, well, I'll see what's

in it for me..."

How is the next scene

not all those people

just lying on the floor,

like fuck, I can't believe

I drank whiskey at noon.

I can't smoke pot

because it's the same thing,

I'm too old for it.

Sometimes young people come up

to me after shows,

"Hey, do you want

to smoke some pot?"

I'm like, can I get my portion

to smoke without you,

alone, later, because I don't

want to stand in a parking lot

with some 20-year-olds.

Last time I got high

was in Kansas City,

and I got high because I was in

Kansas City and it's shitty.

So after the show, these kids

that worked at the club,

they were like,

"You wanna smoke some pot?"

I'm like "Yes."

So I'm standing in the parking

lot with these kids,

like 20 years old,

and we're smoking a joint

and I'm taking huge hits

because I had no idea.

I didn't know they had been

working on this shit

like it's the cure for cancer.

I didn't understand

the fucking technology

that's gone into making pot

so powerful,

because when I was a kid,

you could just smoke a joint

for awhile.

Now you take

two hits and you go insane.

It's not doable anymore.

And I was taking big hits,

like big 1970s jean jacket

Bad Company hits.

♪ Here come the jesters ♪

♪ 1-2-3 ♪

♪ It's all part of

my fantasy ♪

And I'm like, yeah.

And even the kid with

the wooden hole of no ear,

the absence of flesh in his ear

with the wood.

I don't know what that is.

Even he was like, "You should be

careful, that's a lot of pot.

That's very strong marijuana."

I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine."

♪ Running with the devil ♪

Just fucking...

And in about ten seconds,

everything just "beeeeyyyooo."

"Beeeeyyooooo."

And I'm like, oh shit.

This is an ordeal now.

I'm not gonna feel okay

for a very long time.

And everybody is just

standing around and talking

and I'm hoping, like,

I'm really hoping,

that I look like this.

But I'm pretty sure that I was

just scanning insanely.

I was actually counting, like,

look at her for five, four,

three, two, one...

Switch to him,

five, four, three, two...

Randomize, don't go in the same

direction, five, four, three...

Nod your head, that looks like

you're listening

if you nod your head.

"Ha-ha-ha."

And at one point I realize

I need to get out of here,

because the air is hitting my

arm weirdly and they can tell.

They totally know that

I'm not handling the way air

is touching my arm right now.

Why am I doing that

with my hand,

that's weird

to do that with your hand.

Nobody stands like this,

nobody stands like this,

just fucking...

No, that's also, that's

weird, too, that's crazy.

Just...

Shit.

I gotta go.

But I didn't know how to leave,

because I had this dilemma.

We're all standing in a perfect

circle facing each other.

And I thought, it's gonna

be insane if I just turn.

I'm one person

with my back now.

Do I just back away

like this

and hope that they fill in?

And then I thought,

no, say something.

Say something out loud to them

that smooths the transition

of you leaving.

Okay, what do I say...

Pick a thing to say.

"Goodbye."

That's a nightmare.

That's a...

"Goodbye"?

That's not even...

that's just noises.

Finally, I walked away

and I said, "I'm leaving!"

I know it was that bad

because they all went,

"Oh shit, okay, all right,

whoa."

I'll never see those people

again as long as I live.

And then I had

to get in a car,

I forgot that I had

rented a car,

and I have to drive

back to the hotel.

And I'm driving on

this highway in Missouri

and at one point I realized,

I think it's been about

25 minutes

since I looked out the

front window of this car.

I've just been dealing with shit

directly in...

Oh, shit.

There's a whole spectrum of

responsibility out here.

I'm supposed

to take part in this.

And then at one point I remember

I was at a drive-thru

and I was terrified

because there's a lady sticking

her head out a window.

And she's mad.

She's going, "Sir, sir,"

and I just kept saying,

"I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know!"

I had the window closed,

I had no fucking idea...

What part of

the transaction am I...?

Did I pay yet,

have I ordered?

Have I been sitting here

for 40 minutes

just eating at the window

and I ate the paper

and everything?

"Sir!"

And I just went,

"I don't want it!"

And I just fucking bolted.

So I can't do that

anymore.

But you know,

you get older

and some things you can't

do anymore.

Some things you don't

want to do anymore.

It's a nice change, you feel

some desires fall away,

new things make you happy.

But some things don't change,

and some things I'm sick of,

like the constant,

just the constant perverted

sexual thoughts.

I'm so tired of those.

Just the constant...

Tits... suck...

It makes me into an idiot.

I'm jacking off to morons,

"Ah, look at my tits!"

"Yeah, your tits are awesome!"

It's just a dumb part of life

that I'm sick of.

It's all day too, it's

just, you can't have a day.

I just want to be a person

in clothes,

walking in a store and just...

I just want to go to a library

and ask for...

"Hi, ma'am, is, um,

I'm looking for a book

"about early Abraham Lincoln,

like when he was...

I wish I could wrap

your hair around my dick!"

Oh, shit.

I'm trying to talk to her!

That's really

a male problem.

It's really a male problem,

not being able to control your

constant sexual impulses.

Women try to compete.

They're like, "Well,

I'm a pervert, you don't know.

I have really sick sexual

thoughts."

No, you have no idea.

You have no idea.

Because see, you get to have

those thoughts,

I have to have them.

You're a tourist

in sexual perversion,

I'm a prisoner there.

You're Jane Fonda

on a tank,

I'm John McCain in the hut.

It's a nightmare,

I can't...

I can't lift my arms.

And you know, men,

sex is such a constant thing,

it's not even sex to us,

it's just pussy.

That's what we call it.

Pussy.

It's such... it has nothing

to do with women.

It's not about girls or chicks

like it was in the '50s.

There's no guys

anywhere in the world saying,

"Let's go meet some chicks

and kiss them on the mouth

and see what happens."

There's none of that.

"Mmm, I sure would like to have

a girl, my arm around a girl.

Vanessa!"

No, it's not.

It's just... pussy.

Pussy.

It's not even a pussy.

It's not

some people's pussies.

It's just pussy.

Like big pink balloon letters in

front of our faces all the time.

To men, it's just an element

of the universe.

Like, it should be

on the chart of the elements.

Next to tin and ammonia.

PY with an atomic weight

of 12

or whatever

pussy atoms weigh.

The sad thing is that for

all our obsession about sex

and how much we love it,

we suck at it.

Men are terrible at sex.

It never even occurs to us

to do it well.

Women just make sex great.

Women are

the good part of sex.

They accept the dick with grace

and they turn it into art,

or they climb on

and they ride, mmm.

They go for a ride.

Men don't...

We just get,

we just climb on.

Putting my dick in you,

put it in, shove it.

You ever fuck

when you're out of shape?

You're like, oh shit.

This is... My stomach muscles

are not strong!

We're so bad at sex.

And then we wonder why women

aren't, like,

really aggressive about sex.

We think it's because they don't

have as much desire as we do.

That's how stupid men are that

we think, they're just weird.

"Women are like

fucked up in the head,

"because they don't want to just

fuck all the time.

"If I was a woman,

I would just fuck everybody.

"Why don't they want to fuck

all the time?

I do!"

Of course you do,

because when you fuck,

you get to fuck a woman!

When she fucks, she has

to fuck a guy.

Wildly different experience.

For a man, 100% of the time

he's fucking a woman,

it's the greatest thing

that ever happened

in his entire life.

For a woman,

about 40% of the time

she's being fucked by a guy,

she's thinking,

I'll get over this in a week,

it's not the worst thing.

I'm not gonna cry this time.

Another thing that proves how

bad men are at sex

is that after sex you're looking

at two very different people.

The man just wants to lay there

and be cool.

And the woman wants to cuddle.

Something that men

love to make fun of women for.

"They always wanna cuddle,

so needy.

"I already fucked you,

just let me watch the game.

I'm so cool."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Shut up, leave me alone.

Why is she so needy?"

She's not needy, you idiot,

she's horny,

because you

did nothing for her.

You did absolutely nothing.

Her pussy is on fire

because it's gone unfucked

completely.

Of course you're fine,

you climbed on and went

and rolled off

and she's on you because

she's going...

"Something else has to happen!

This is bullshit!"

If you fuck a woman well,

she will leave you alone.

"Thanks a lot, buddy."

Thanks a lot, folks,

I hope you enjoyed the show.

You guys were great, thank you

very, very much.

Good night!