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1 You know the human vagina can lift over 200 pounds?

No, uh... no, it is 20 pounds.

I don't know, I-I saw, like, a YouTube thing about it.

Oh. I think I got too high to do this.

Don't say that. Are you joking?

- N... Okay. - That's so irresponsible.

It's fine. I can do it. I can do it.

I can do it. I just, like, got freaked out,

'cause I felt like I was gonna perform, like, a real surgery,

so I thought I would just get, like, a little toasted

and it would give me confidence and I would just do it,

and I figured, you know, we're gonna write after this anyway.

Well, yeah, we're not gonna write, like, right after this.

We're not?

Yeah, we're writing a show about female friendship, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, so don't you think

we should, like, actually become friends first?

What do you call this?

Okay, yes, you installing my new vagina would be, like,

an amazing beginning to an episode,

but all I'm saying is, so far, all we've done is, like,

sit in your apartment and talk about Dan.

I just feel like it's kind of a no-brainer that, like, we should

go on some adventures together before we start writing.

- Come on, man. Can't we just... - So I was thinking, after this,

we pack our bags, we hit the road for a few days

and camp under the stars, we have some laughs.

I don't know, like... what, today?

Why not?

I'm busy. I've got stuff to do.

Ugh. You have Dan's podcast, Dan's weekly podcast

- you go to every week. - Come on, man, just...

I'm just saying I'm sorry, I feel like you would have

a lot more power in your relationship if you actually

had your own things going on every once in a while.

Barbara, I understand that you represent a part of me

that feels the need to question my very happy relationship with Dan,

but that doesn't mean that you're right.

I don't need to play games

and, like, you know, make myself unavailable

- to, like, prove myself to him. - Mm.

We're past that. We poop with the door open sometimes.

Yeah, right there, right there.

- Like, we tell each other everything. - Mm-hmm.

Except for the fact that I, like,

formed this unhealthy codependent relationship

with his former sex doll.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm, like, currently giving her

a vaginal rejuvenation,

'cause she can talk me into anything and...

Goddamn it! Is this thing in yet?

Yeah. It is.

What?

It has been for a while.

Like, you can feel this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you are such an asshole!

Oh, Codes, a girls' trip, you and me.

Oh! It'll be so fun.

We'll show Dan what an independent codependent woman you are.

We'll let go of the things that no longer serve us.

Wait! I want to hold on to that.

Road trip... !

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

- That looks ridiculous, by the way. - What?

The dirty vagina you made me tie around your neck.

Fuckin' Ed Gein-lookin' motherfucker.

Whatever. It's so cute. You're just jelly.

- Nah. You look insane. - As insane as the patriarchy

upon which I'm, like, commenting?

No, I didn't think so.

Codes, ever since I got this new vagina,

I honestly, like, I feel like a new woman.

Like, my own woman.

- That's great, Barbara. - You should try it sometime.

What, removing my vagina and getting a new one?

No.

Not letting every single moment of your life be consumed

- by your boyfriend. - What? It's not.

Then why do you keep looking at your phone?

No, that... I just... I wanted to make sure

he got my text earlier, like,

'cause he dot-dot-dotted, but then the bubble disappeared,

and I just felt like...

Cody! Do you fucking hear yourself?

All you ever do is talk about Dan.

Dan, Dan, Dan this, Dan that, I'm obsessed with Dan,

I love Dan's dick, even when it smells like curry.

I don't feel like I've said that before.

How are we gonna write a feminist masterpiece

if we can't even pass the Bechdel test?

Oh, shit. You do know what the Bechdel test is, right?

Yeah, Barbara, yes, I know what the Bechdel test is.

We know the same amount of stuff.

We're the same person. Stop trying to act like you're smarter than me.

Created by cartoonist Alison Bechdel, it asks whether...

Sorry. I have pee anxiety.

Can you, like... ?

It asks whether a movie or, like, a work of fiction,

um, has at least two female characters,

and then the two characters have to talk about something

other than a man.

But aren't there, like, three things?

Yeah. There's, like, more to it than that.

I think, um, one of the things is, like...

- um, do they both have names? - Yeah. We have names.

Yeah. I mean, mine's kind of a boy's name. I don't...

- Yeah, I don't think that matters. - Okay. It doesn't matter. Um...

So, then... What's the third thing?

Isn't it just, like, that there are two women?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so one... - Yeah.

- Are there two women? - Yeah.

Which, you know, there are.

And then two, do they both have names?

- They have names. - And three, do they talk

- about something other than a man? - Yeah.

Okay. So all we have to do to pass this is just not talk about men.

Oh, my God, we're gonna be so good at this.

Okay, so, Bechdel test?

- Yes! - Starting...

- now! - Now!

Oh, my God, we're gonna be the best feminist-y feminists

that were ever feminists!

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Like I blister in the sun ♪

♪ Let me go on... ♪

Really pretty out here, huh?

Yeah. I love it.

Growing up, my dad used to take...

- Ooh! - What?

Oh, just like, your dad.

He's a man, right?

Oh. Oh, right. Shit!

Okay. Yeah, okay, start over, start over?

- Yeah. Okay, ready? - Okay, okay, ready?

- Bechdel test starting... - Starting...

- now. - now. Okay.

♪ I know you're the one... ♪

Ugh. Look at that.

The fact that 53% of white women

hated themselves enough to vote for that bloated orangutan...

- Ooh. - What?

Well...

Oh, my God, you fucking voted for Trump.

Oh, that makes so much sense.

What? No. No! Oh, my God.

No, I'm saying, Trump is a man, Bechdel.

- Oh, shit! - Right?

Oh, my God, this is so much harder than I thought.

I know! Jesus!

- Ooh. - What?

Well, Jesus, like, that's kind of a guy, right?

Oh, come on. Come on.

#BechdelFail on you right now, bitch.

No. Okay, okay, okay, come on, come on, come on.

- Okay. - Ready? And...

- Bechdel! - Bechdel!

- What's your, um... - You know...

No. Uh, no, no, no, sorry, you go ahead.

You absolutely can go.

I didn't have anything.

- Me, neither. - Fuck!

Why is it so hard to talk about something that isn't a dude?

I don't know! I hate this!

We shouldn't be forcing it, you know?

Yeah. Like, I feel like if we stop

thinking about it, it'll just, like, come to us.

We should just, like, think about something else.

Yeah, we can talk about...

- anything else. - Yeah, like, anything.

Yeah. I mean, we can talk about this beer

- and, like, the... - Uh-huh.

... store, how gross it is.

We can talk about...

- that woman over there. - Yes, we could totally talk

- about the crack whore. - Oh, my God, you're so bad.

- Do you know what I'm thinking? - What?

I feel like her discharge would be, like, booger-y.

My God, you're so gross.

I know what you're talking about.

Like, when it's, like, you could use it

- as an adhesive for arts and crafts. Gross. - Yes!

- It's, like, go bedazzle some shit. - Oh, my God, shut up.

I don't know, does that seem weird?

- What? - I don't know, just, like...

you know, that we could be, like, talking shit

about another woman and still pass the Bechdel test?

Yeah, I do know what you mean.

And, like, also, are you saying that, like,

we could have one conversation?

Like, we could talk about dudes all day,

and we have one conversation about, like,

"How many calories are in these plantain chips?"

- and we'd still pass? - Yeah, we're thinking about it

like we can't talk about dudes, but really, we just have to

talk shit about a lady first, and then we can go back

- to talking about dudes, right? - I mean, like, we did it.

- We totally passed! - All right!

- Okay, amazing. - That is so good.

Yay, we can talk about guys again,

because I've been wanting to tell you, there's this guy...

Open the fucking register now!

Now! Come on, I want everything, you hear me?

I want everything!

- Everybody get your hands up. - Barbara, get down!

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