Original subtitles

[ Keys jingle ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

*

*

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] Oh-ho-ho!

Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Hoo-hoo.

Whew!

[ Grunts ]

Uhh!

[ No audio ]

Room service?

Uh, this is room 612.

Would you please send up a bucket of ice?

Thank you.

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, come in.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in!

[ Door rattling ]

Man: Sir, y-your door's locked.

[ Material rips ]

Uhh. Uhh.

[ Panting ]

[ Panting ]

Ready?

[ Nervously ] Hi-ho.

Hee hee hee.

Ohh.

Mmm. Hmm.

Ah.

Whew!

[ Panting ]

Okay.

Heh.

Ooh.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Man singing in Spanish in high-pitched voice ]

[ Singing continues ]

[ Singing stops ]

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist before?

Oh, I'm afraid not. No.

Afraid?

Let's get rid of those "fear" words, Mr. Nefrin.

All right. Yeah. Okay.

No. Never.

Never?

Isn't that a bit final?

How about just "no"?

Ah...

Hostility.

I like that.

You're getting better already. Ha ha.

Why don't you go lie down there on the couch?

We can get started.

You seem a little reluctant.

Well, it's the floor.

I'll handle it.

Why not get a little cozier?

Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.

That's what I came to see you for --

'cause I'm not all right.

Nothing I do is right.

I'm a misfit.

I don't fit.

I'm a square peg in a round hole.

I mean, you know what a "misfit" means, don't ya?

That's why I came to see you.

I think you'll be more comfortable

in that chair over there.

Oh. Oh.

Good idea.

Miss Rose, would you please cancel

all of my appointments for today.

No. I'll call them myself later.

Did you hear from hartman?

Very good.

Yes, I understand.

She did?

You can call her.

Very good.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

[ Thud ]

Uh, Warren...

Why don't you just stay right down there

on the floor?

[ Sighs ]

No, no.

Uh, why don't you turn over?

No, the other way --

on your back so I can see you.

Oh.

[ Sighing ] Okay.

Let's get started.

Warren, when did you first notice

you were...Uh...

A misfit?

That's close enough.

It started a lotta years ago.

I can't remember exactly when.

All I know is I did nothing right.

*

*

*

Everything I did was wrong.

It was as though I was from another planet.

*

Eehhhhh!

Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa.

[ Laughter ]

Um, Mr. Nefrin, your mother and father

weren't, by any chance, related to each other,

were they?

You know, like, cousins, maybe?

Oh, no. Nothin' like that.

This goes back a long, long way back.

I mean, this goes --

I'm talkin' about as far back

as my French ancestor, Jacques nefron.

Jacques nefron was the coachman driver

for the Marquis Henri Dubois and his wife, Marie.

I'm talkin' about the 15th century

in France, Europe.

[ Yelling ]

Eh, Jacques!

Whoa!

Jacques!

[ Speaking French ]

No, no, no, no!

[ Speaking gibberish ]

[ Speaking French ]

Ici.

[ Speaking French ]

[ Stuttering ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Stuttering ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Shouting in French ]

Ah, oui, oui. [ Wee-wee ]

Exactly.

You got it.

[ Sighs ]

Timber!

[ Thud ]

[ Power saw whirring ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Singing in French ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Singing continues ]

Fini!

Madame, pardon.

The facility ready now.

[ Horse whinnying ]

Whoa! The horse!

[ Speaking French ]

Ha!

Ici.

Ah, tres bonne, madame.

[ Whinnying ]

[ Shouting in French ]

[ Crash ]

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Poor Jacques.

What happened to him?

Oh, they sent him to prison --

devil's island -- for life.

I guess escape was out of the question.

Oh, no. He tried it many times.

Did he ever pull it off?

Oh, I'm sure he pulled it off.

There was no women in prison.

[ Sighs ]

[ Speaking French ]

...if I had some sulfur. Sul-ferr.

[ Speaking French ]

The book of matches they did not invent yet,

so I use this rock to have --

ah!

[ Speaking French ]

Aha!

[ Speaking French ]

Chaud.

Hot. Chaud.

It's a hot chaud.

Ha ha. Ha ha.

Chaud.

A hot "show."

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Where I get Japanese from?

Gee. Ahhh.

Too hot.

Ohhh. Chaud.

[ Blows ]

Whew!

Fois.

Ah.

[ Speaking French ]

[ Speaking French ]

Lautrec, lautrec, lautrec.

[ Speaking French ]

Matisse, Matisse.

Baroque, baroque.

[ Speaking French ]

Haircut. Toupee.

[ Knock at door ]

[ Speaking French ]

Man: It is I, Claude.

What are you doing?

Oh! Claude.

Hello, Claude.

I am making the dummy that looks just like moi.

Isn't one of you enough?

[ Snickering ]

Stop with the jokes, Claude.

I cannot take it no more.

I am making the dummy that looks like me.

I will put him inside that bed.

And then when the guards come around,

they look inside, they think it is me.

I will be gone. Ca va?

How will you escape?

Claude?

Yes?

Ah! A key.

How will you get past the guards outside?

Easy!

I climb over the wall,

and I fall down on those guards,

and I overpower them.

Then I roll down the hill,

and I have this horse waiting for me in the woods.

And I land on the horse, and I ride away,

and I am free and gone and away from all of this.

[ Footsteps approach ]

Claude, shh. They are coming now.

[ Door opens ]

It is your lucky day, scum.

We bring you a new mattress.

A new mattress?! I do not need no --

no, I do not need the mattress!

That one is very good.

Out of my way!

I do not want that new one!

This one is good. It is good to sleep on.

It does not hurt my back. I do not...

Pardon.

I do not know how this happened,

but it seems that my foot

slid underneath your big boot.

Your big boot is now leaning on my small foot.

Heh heh.

[ Grunts ]

Aaaahhh!!!

You schweinehund!

It's the wrong time.

What will we do with this filthy thing?

Throw it over the wall.

[ Whinnying ]

My dummy escaped.

Au revoir, dummy.

Have a good time in Paris.

Oh-ho. Ohhh.

I hate to say this, Warren,

but your one of the worst cases I've ever handled.

Thank you.

[ Applause ]

I just wish I was like my father.

He was a man of great dignity, quality,

respected by everyone.

He was always a great success...

Almost.

[ Classical music plays ]

[ Audience murmuring ]

I would love to hear about your ancestors,

Mr. Nefrin, but our time is up.

Oh, okay.

But, uh, doctor, I mean,

do you have any idea

what the problem is with me?

[ Laughs ]

It's a bit too early to tell, but I suspect

that you have a touch of dingle syndrome,

or overcompensation of the ID against

the narcissus-feedback chromosomes.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Oh, well, I mean,

w-what is that exactly in laymen's terms?

You're playing with half a deck.

You don't have both oars in the water.

You made too many swan dives into empty pools.

Well, then, I'll see you Thursday.

Of course.

Right.

Doctor...

Do I have a chance?

Of course.

Okay.

[ Thud ]

[ Slams ]

[ Loud thud ]

All right, everybody!

Aahh! Aaahh! Aahh!

Stay right where you are! Nobody move!

[ Woman crying ]

[ "New York, New York" instrumental plays ]

*

*

*

Here we go!

*

[ Music stops ]

Yay! Yay! Bravo!

Mister....

Uh, nefrin.

Nefrin.

Yeah.

Now, uh, how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?

I mean, like, when you wake up in the morning,

there's a strong urge to have one upon rising.

Very early in the morning, no matter what time.

Sometimes people get up at all hours of the morning.

They gotta have that first cigarette of the day.

That's me.

Then, probably during breakfast, you may have --

it's not a big breakfast or anything.

Well, certainly, you have coffee,

probably in the morning,

and you're reading the paper,

you plan, maybe, to have another cigarette.

And, which is becoming the norm,

people are breaking in the midmorning

for supposedly a "coffee break,"

and it's become a smoking break.

Yeah, well --

are you -- do you observe sports on TV or in person?

That is another time

people just get all tied up into the game

and following it so closely, they have that something

to satisfy that urge of tobacco,

and they have another cigarette.

Like, how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?

I'd say fi-fi-f-f-five packs a day.

Five packs?!!!

Are you nuts, or what?!!

That's absurd, you idiot!!

That's ridiculous!!

And you will never do that again!!

Well, how will you arrange that?

Like this!!

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Horns honking ]

[ Engine backfiring ]

[ Engine sputtering ]

[ Horn honking ]

Say, excuse me, but, uh, I have a problem.

Would you mind giving me a push?

Not at all.

[ Dog barking ]

No, I-I don't think you understood.

See, I didn't mean to push me.

My problem was

I wanted to see if you would push my car.

Oh, my pleasure.

Thank you.

See, when I first -- uh, w-w-wait!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Ooh! Ooh!

That's...

[ Horn honking ]

Ooh!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crash ]

[ Coughs ]

Man: This way. Here we have "the horse."

Of course, it is oil on canvas.

Yes, and here, I'd like you to see this.

If you'll just step by me. Keep moving along this way.

Let's keep together now.

Ah, this is something you must take note of.

It is the famous painting of "the bull."

Yes, if you'll just keep moving along.

If you step this way, please.

Just come this way.

Any questions at all, don't hesitate to ask.

[ Liquid trickling ]

[ Trumpet plays ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Roars ]

[ Crash ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Crowd cheers, bull galloping ]

[ Crash ]

[ Crowd cheers ]

[ Bull galloping ]

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Bell dings ]

[ Door opens ]

Woman: [ In sultry voice ] And, so you see, doctor,

what appears to be a must in my life

isn't really anything more than a compulsion.

Dr. Pletchick: But -- and that is a very big but --

you can't continue this lifestyle

without ramifications.

I'm sure you know that.

Oh, I know you're right, doctor,

but I have always lived one day at a time, and, uh,

[ laughs ] As long as I get what I need each day,

ooh, I'm happy.

Granted, you have every right

to bang whoever you want any time it pleases you,

but there are other things in this life more important.

Name one.

I would if there were more time,

but that hour really flies by.

I'll see you again, as usual,

Monday...tuesday... Wednesday...

And for our long session on Thursday.

Now go out and make it a good day.

Don't worry, doc, I'll make whoever I can.

[ Door opens ]

Everything's going to be all right.

Ahh. Oooh.

Hello.

[ Giggles ]

[ Mumbling ] Oh, no. No, no.

Unh-unh.

Mmm.

Mmmmm.

[ Mumbling ] Oh, no, no, no, no.

Unh-unh. Ohh-ho.

Come here.

Unh-unh.

Not me.

Oh, no.

Ah ha ha ha.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sighs ]

Step aside.

[ Clomping ]

I won't slide on the floor now.

Heh heh.

It just...

[ Clears throat ]

That was a very unusual person.

She's...quite outgoing.

She's outgoing.

One look at her,

and you get the desperate desire to be lonely.

Ha-heee!!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Because she's...

Well, she really isn't that bad.

Not that bad?

One look at her, and you hope the drugstore's closed.

Ha ha ha ha heyyyy!

Heyyyyy!

Heeyyy.

Well, enough about her.

Let's get into your problem.

Will you go sit on the couch?

Yeah.

[ Barking like a seal ]

Ha ha ha ha!

Whoa.

Is that my folder?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What is it?

[ Sighs ]

Is it bad?!

Mr. Nefrin --

yes?!

Mr. Nefrin, I've been studying your case carefully.

After careful examination --

yes?

It is my opinion

that not only do you have dingle syndrome,

but you have a smattering of carper's waindowner leak.

[ Loud jingling ]

[ Jingling continues ]

[ Jingling continues ]

[ Jingling stops ]

[ Jingling ]

[ Jingling continues ]

[ Jingling stops ]

You did say carper's waindowner leak?

Yes.

A leak is literally

a perforation in one of the functional neural cells.

Once you have it,

you carry it with you everywhere.

Oh.

I would suggest you go see

the top specialist working on waindowner's leak today.

He's in London.

London?

That's a long way to take a leak.

Yo-aaahhh!!!

Man: Uh, united 31 bravo, radar contact.

You have traffic at 9:00.

United 31 bravo looking.

Woman: Attention, please. Final call.

Flight 254 to San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle

boarding at gate 9.

Flight 254. Final call. Boarding at gate 9.

Flight 19 for Phoenix --

departing on schedule at gate 4.

Flight 19 for Phoenix --

departing on schedule at gate 4.

May I help you?

Yes, I would like a ticket to London.

Have you ever flown "jolly fats" weehawkin before?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Excuse me.

Ye ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!

$67.95

how--how come it's so inexpensive?

Mr. Weehawkin doesn't pay his employees very well.

I only earn 85 cents an hour.

Well, that's terrible.

It's probably all I'm worth.

You see, I-I don't deal with the public very well.

You seem very nice to me.

You're probably a schmuck.

Well, uh, do they, uh --

do they serve dinner on this flight?

Well, of course, they do.

Let's see what they're having.

Excuse me.

[ Vomiting ]

Chef's surprise.

You'll love it.

All right. I'll--I'll take a ticket.

We don't have tickets. I just stamp your hand.

There, uh, isn't any ink on there.

We don't need ink.

Just show your hand to the stewardess.

[ Bell ringing ]

Hold it right there.

What do you got under the coat?

[ Mutters ]

What flight are you on?

Weehawkin to London.

Oh. Oh, sorry. Go right ahead.

I-I'm on weehawkin to London, too.

And you don't have a gun?

No.

Excuse me.

[ Chuckling ]

Wanna buy one?

[ Chuckling ]

No!

Well, that makes a set.

*

[ Metal scraping ]

Nefrin: What's that?

[ Clucking ]

[ Oinking ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Coughing ]

Oh!

[ Gruffly ] You want dinner?

Oh--oh, yeah. That sounds good.

What's the matter? You all right?

[ Garbled ] Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Good.

Just fine.

A little more?

[ In normal voice ] You have any well-done?

Just what I need -- another smart ass.

What's that?

[ Clucks ]

Economy.

Oh, that's terrible.

Ah, you tellin' me.

They don't even get a free movie.

They don't?

Do we?

Yeah. You wanna see it?

Yeah, I'd love to.

You got it.

Well, that's disgusting!

I know. Wanna see it again?

No, I got it at home on tape.

[ Slurring ] Oh, hiya.

I-I didn't know, uh, which one it was of you

who--who asked what our exact location is.

I'm very--I'm very sorry I can't tell you that right now --

right now, because, well, to tell the truth,

I-I haven't been quite this far off course before.

Oh, boy.

[ Drum beating slowly ]

Fellas, we got -- we gotta have m-more power.

More power.

That's it.

Give US all--all the power you can.

Just remember, fellas --

we've been--we've been friends for--for a long time.

And during--during -- yeah, yeah --

during the--during the air controllers' strike,

did i--did I ask you to take--to take a cut --

take--take a cut?

What--what about the--the six days

a-and three nights i-in lake ta--

in lake--in lake ta--ta--

uh, not far from Reno there?

All right. More pow-- more power.

And d-- and don't lose your rhythm.

Hey, how's it look out there?

"How's it look out there."

Captain, have you ever seen a mountain

in the middle of the Atlantic ocean?

Ah, Harry, you're just a worrywart.

Hey, he owed me a --

don't anybody move. Don't anybody move.

I'll take the parachute,

or I'll blow the plane with these.

Hold on a second. Can we flip for it?

What? Flip for it? Up yours!

Here. Hold this for me.

Not that, numbnuts! This!

Ooh!

That's my favorite grenade!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were asleep.

But, uh, it seems that I am lost.

Shh. What are you searching for?

I'm on my way to London to get a little peace.

There is peace all around you.

Who in London could give you peace?

Oh, uh... Dr. Grasnover perks.

I am Dr. Grasnover perks.

You're Dr. Grasnover perks?

Well, what are you doing all the way out here?

Shh.

I flew "jolly fat" weehawkin to New York.

Uh, why do you always say "shh" before you speak?

[ No audio ]

[ Echoing ] Avalanche!!

Oh, shit.

Woman: You know, you are very lucky to be alive.

They rescued you from under 40 feet of snow

and brought you here.

You have the dubious distinction

of being the coldest patient we've ever had here.

[ Laughing weakly ]

It's a-a great h-h-hon-honor.

Ha ha.

I, uh, have to change your bedpan here.

Oh. Oh?!

[ Laughing ] Mmm hmmm hmmm. Mmmm hmmm.

Oh. Oh-hoo.

[ Clanking ]

The floor nurse said that you had asked a question

about a patient here in the hospital.

Oh, yeah. The, uh, the lama.

You know, the man with the beard

with the icicles on it?

Oh, yes. He's down in the operating room.

They're going to open him up to repair a ruptured spleen.

Ready.

No anesthetic.

I beg your pardon?

No anesthetic.

I should not like to have strange gases and chemicals

infiltrate my body.

But we have to make an 8-inch incision in your abdomen

and go in and repair your spleen.

The pain would be unbearable.

Sir, I am a master of yoga, zen, I ching,

Mahatma Gandhi's sense of levitation,

and self-control.

Well, I don't know.

Sir, I can disassociate my mind from my body,

where I shant feel anything,

absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Well, if this is really possible, it would be

one of the greatest medical discoveries of all time.

Trust me.

Very well. I'll do it.

Just a moment.

Before you proceed,

I shall place myself in a catatonic state.

Once I am there...

I shall lie down, and then you may begin.

Feineen!

Feineen!

Wolik!

Wolik!

Pont, pont.

Saylee meany. Saylee meany.

Mummy. Mummy.

Wolupu. Wolupu.

Heist. Heist.

Mompist. Mompist.

[ Chanting ] Saylike. Saylike.

Push.

Muminnng.

You may begin.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want you to note the time.

This will be the first moment in modern history

when a man has undergone such an operation

without an anesthetic.

Ohh! That hurts!

Are you nuts?!

Ohhh!!

Ohhhh!!

Ohhhhh!!!

Wooowwwww!!

Oh!! Oh, pain!!

Ohhh, Christ almighty!

You think you are a misfit?

Oh, yeah. Well, that's what I said, you know,

when we first talked. That's right -- misfit.

You think you can't do anything right.

Oh, doc-doctor, don't--don't, uh --

please don't st--

don't--don't stand by the window, okay?

Why?

Well, I'm afraid you'll fall out.

Mr. Nefrin, are you afraid of heights?

Oh, yeah. Whoo!

I don't like any -- not -- as back as I can remember.

I mean, I wouldn't even stand on my tiptoes,

which cost me a chance at being a ballet dancer.

Acrophobia.

No, "swan lake."

I was very -- I loved that the best.

It's a common disorder with a simple cure.

Oh, really?

I mean, am I gonna be okay, huh?

Come on.

No.

Come.

No.

Floor.

Come.

[ Clomps ]

Ooh.

[ Echoing ] Come.

[ "Romeo and Juliet overture" by Tchaikovsky plays ]

[ No audio ]

*

Dr. Pletchick: Now, I know this must seem like

a drastic way to cure your fear of heights,

but it is the only way.

You have to face your fears bravely and squarely.

[ Nervously ] Bravely and squarely.

Good. Now say after me --

there is nothing to be afraid of.

[ Garbled ] There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me.

Good.

Nothing can happen to me!

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Now turn around and look over the edge.

No. Look all --

look all the way over. Turn around.

Turn your body.

Come on. Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Okay. Now turn around. Look down.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me.

Now go back there. You're on your own.

Everything's gonna be all right.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me!

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There...is...nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me!!

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of!!

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is nothing to be afraid of!

Nothing can happen to me.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing--nothing can happen to me.

I did it.

I did it, doc.

Doc, did you see? I did it.

I just -- doc?

I just le--

nothing can happen to me.

There's nothing to be scared of.

I still don't know what happened.

Hmm. I'll tell you what happened.

What happened was

that it's a good thing you landed on a flagpole.

That's what happened.

And then when you went through the canvas awning,

you went through it, like, 85 miles an hour,

although it slowed you down a little bit.

And thank goodness for the lady with the open umbrella.

When you h-h-hit that --

I mean, I know it's not funny,

but that kicked you right off into the bus,

and you careened off the bus into the empty manhole.

It's a good thing the manhole cover wasn't on.

You could've been badly hurt.

Heh heh.

It's my fault. What am I laughing --

it's all my fault.

Everything I come in contact with is wrong.

Maybe it would be best for the whole world

if I just went away and I just became a hermit.

That -- yeah -- a hermit.

Wait a minute. A hermit?

I've got an idea.

Somebody--somebody here can help you.

A hermit?

No. If I could only remember his name.

There once was a hermit named Dave, who had --

no, no, no! His name isn't Dave.

It's not Dave. Well...

Get me the, uh, address book on my desk.

On your desk?

Yeah, right up there. On the top someplace.

Is it on the desk?

Right on top of the desk.

Right in the middle of the desk.

Here's the middle.

[ Grunts ]

It's on top of the desk.

No. I don't --

I don't see -- I don't see none. No.

Warren, stand in the middle of the desk.

I'm in the middle.

Okay. Look up.

I'm looking up.

Now...look down.

What does looking up and looking down do for me?

Look at my desk, and you'll see the address book.

It says "address book."

Well, I'm not lying!

There's no book that says "address"!

Warren...

[ Thudding and crashing ]

Could you buzz my secretary?

Ah! Ah!

The brown address book.

Whoa!!

[ Crash ]

Warren?

Warren?

Warren?

Warren?

[ Engine backfires ]

[ Engine shuts off ]

Ooh!!

I told them they ship them too fast!

[ Car approaching ]

[ Honking ]

[ Banjo and harmonica music plays ]

[ With southern accent ] Well, hi.

A pleasant good day to you, sir.

Welcome to surefoot county.

And you was zippin' right through that

like you were a land-to-air missile.

Would I be too pushy, sir,

if I asked for your license, please?

[ With slurred speech ] I'm sorry, officer.

I don't have my license.

You don't have your license with you?

How about that?

I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of that car!

Step right out of that car!

That's a fine car. Right out of that car.

Now slow and spread 'em.

Turn around and spread 'em now.

Just spread 'em. Get those hands up there.

I'm checkin' out -- I spread --

I just gotta...

If you're worried about a ride, my...

Ohhhh!

Wow!!

I don't know, doctor.

I don't think I'm getting better.

Now, now. It's too soon to be talking like that.

You've only been coming here

for six or seven hundred dollars.

Yeah, but I'm gonna be running out of money soon.

Hey, what kind of a doctor do you think I am?

You don't need money to come here for help.

Well, that's very nice to hear.

You can bring clothing, silverware, jewelry.

A good 19-inch television set

will get you four visits.

I think I'm gonna have to get another job.

Why? What happened to your last one?

[ Crying ] Oh, don't ask.

Fill it up?

Oh, yeah, would you please?

Uh, what's that sign about?

It means you have to have the exact amount of cash.

I don't carry any money. That way, I don't get robbed.

Well, that's terrible.

You're tellin' me.

The way things are, you're not safe anywhere.

Wow. Then I got a problem.

Here's $100, and I want you just to take this baby

and get some gas for it.

If there's anything left, you keep it, all right?

Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Davis.

And don't you worry.

I'm gonna treat this car like it was my very own.

You have a car?

Oh, yeah. It's right over there across the street.

You see it? Right there in the front.

Do me a favor.

Yeah?

Treat it like it's my car. Ha ha.

Yes, I will, Mr. Davis.

All right.

Okay.

Ha ha ha ha.

What a wonderful human being.

I got a $100,000 car here,

and all I have is a $100 bill.

What do I do now?

I have a suggestion.

Yeah?

Put up your hands.

You think you're a misfit.

That's what I said, you know, when we first talked. Yeah.

Nothing I do is right.

* dooh

* da da-da da

* wa da-da da da

* da-da da

* da-da daa da wah wah wah wah wah wah wo-wah *

get up, Joe!!

Wake up!!

Quick!! Quick!!

* bah-dah bah

* dah-dah dah

* ba doot doot

* woo wooo-ooh

* wowa wowa wow

* buttercup, buttercup

* baahh

* bah-dah dah-dah

* bah-dah dah-dah

[ music blaring ]

We better get a move on!

Don't the dance start at 8:00?!

8:00, right!! Right, 8:00!!

Ready.

You takin' that new chick you met?!

She's really stacked!! Beauty!!

Wait till you see her.

Wait till you see

what I got packaged for tonight.

She's a 10-plus fraction.

Crazy!!

* wacko

* wack

* wack

* wack

* way dah-dah dah dah

hey, Joe!!

There's somethin' up my ass!

[ Big-band music plays ]

I think I'll have the, uh, nontoxic luncheon.

[ In nasal voice ] Would you like to start

with juice, fruit, or soup?

Uh, I think juice will be fine.

We have apple, grapefruit, pineapple, apricot,

orange, lemon, lemon crush, banana, asparagus, avocado,

nectarine, tangerine, cherry,

or pitless watermelon.

I think apple would be fine.

Apple it is.

And what kind of salad would you like with your meal?

We have Caesar, watercress,

lettuce and tomato, plain tomato, plain lettuce,

bibb lettuce, hearts of lettuce,

hearts of bibb lettuce, and lettuce leaves.

Uh, watercress is always the, uh --

watercress it is. Good choice. You got it.

And what'll you have on it?

We have vinegar, vinegar and oil,

plain oil, thousand island,

hundred island, Hawaiian island,

three mile island, Russian, German, Swiss,

Mayo, roquefort, blue cheese, brown cheese,

cheese, cheese and bacon, bacon bits, bacon chips.

Uh, vinegar and oil because --

vinegar and oil. Good choice. You got it.

And now for your main course --

we have steak, chops, veal, lamb chops,

veal chops, chops of beef,

beef tornadoes, tornadoes of beef,

roast beef, boiled beef, broiled beef, baked beef,

braised beef, ribs, liver, lungs, or knees.

I think steak is probably --

steak. Yummy.

And how would you like that --

medium, medium rare, well, well-done,

rare, very rare...

...sanka, coffee, decaf, brim, cocoa --

hold it. Could I just have a check?

Fine.

Will that be cash, visa, mastercard, carte blanche,

American express, bank of america card,

bank of Germany, bank of Tokyo, bank of england,

bank of Honduras, bank of Uruguay,

bank of the peloponnesian islands,

bank of Chile, bank of Israel, bank of...

Can I get my car, please?

[ In nasal voice ] Was it a sedan, coupe, 2-door,

4-door, split top, convertible?

What color was it?

Plain --

call me a cab.

You want checker, yellow, red and white,

black and blue, blue plaid...

[ Gagging ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Engine backfiring ]

[ No audio ]

[ Engine sputtering ]

Warren, I owe you an apology.

You do?

The solution to your problem

has been under my nose all along,

and I've overlooked it.

It has?

It can be summed up in one word --

posthypnotic suggestion.

Is that something you need a prescription for,

or can you get it over the counter?

Ha ha ha ha ha. No.

You get it right here.

Warren...

I want you to close your eyes...

For you are going to sleep.

I want you to concentrate...

On the sound of my voice.

There is darkness all around you.

You are completely...Relaxed.

As you go deeper... And deeper...Asleep.

[ Snores ]

Now I'm going to clap my hands once.

And when I do, you will be...Asleep.

[ Grunts ] Mmm, yeah.

Warren...

Hmm?

I'm going to suggest to you that your problem is solved.

[ Laughs ] Uh ha ha. Uh ha ha.

You will never be the same man again.

Oh.

You are in complete control of your every move.

[ Laughs ] Mmmm hmmm hmmm.

Never again will you have to carry guilt

for the destruction that plagues your life.

[ Grunts ]

And now, Warren, I'm going to give you a key word.

And that key word

will trigger a posthypnotic suggestion.

And that suggestion is

that all of the bad things that I have mentioned

will be gone from your life.

Uh ha ha.

No more destruction, havoc, chaos.

You will be a well man.

Oh, yeah.

And that word --

the word I'm going to say to you after you awaken --

is "smorgasbord."

Now awaken.

What happened?

You remember anything?

No, I don't.

Good.

Come with me.

Where are we going?

I'm gonna walk you downstairs,

out into the world.

You are cured.

Nefrin: I'm very relaxed.

Warren, you're gonna understand this.

This feels like a --

I need to do this for you.

I feel like I'm sleeping in --

Warren! Warren!

So, I never listen --

let me take you out.

I'm really all right. It's just that, you know --

it's like that feeling of where you get

so perfectly relaxed, you know?

Stand here up against the wall.

I --

are you all right?

Warren. Warren! Snap out of it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that, you know,

with such a relaxed feeling...

That, uh --

are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm--i'm--i'm just oooohhh.

You'll be all right.

I don't think I'm cured very good.

Be patient.

I think I'm losing my...

[ Elevator bell dings ]

I'm okay, though.

Oh, there's a lady!

Here, lady. Give me your --

it's okay.

I'll wait for the next one.

No, no, no. Here.

Let me just open that part.

If you get your head in. Wait. Here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, lady.

Wait, lady. I can help. Just get your head --

[ material rips ]

Aaahh!

There. There. She's in!

Ooh!

Nefrin: The lady dropped her sweater.

Dr. Pletchick: Right.

Why don't you go over and pick it up for her?

I would probably do something terrible.

No. You won't. I assure you.

Okay, I'll try.

Wait.

What?

Smorgasbord.

I beg your pardon?

Smorgasbord.

I'm feeling a little strange.

I know. Now go help the lady.

Go help the lady.

I believe you dropped your sweater.

How sweet.

[ Groans ]

Smorgasbord.

Smorgasbord.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

Could--could I trouble you for 65 cents

for a cup of coffee, a cup of coffee,

a cup of coffee, a cup of -- 65 cents.

Oh, yes. Of course, my good man.

Here's a dollar.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'll go get it.

I'm sorry. No, I'll get it.

It's okay. I'll get it.

Aaahhh!!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Siren wails ]

Smorgasbord.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crash ]

Smorgasbord.

[ People shouting ]

Smorgasbord.

How was the movie?

Oh, it was terrific.

Yeah.

Should we see it?

Absolutely. Don't miss it.

Yeah.

Woman: [ In nasal voice ] Say, uh, could you

handle another question?

Was it a good one... Or fair?

Did you like it, or did you love it?

Will I love it or just like it?

Was it cute, or silly?

Was there music? Was it loud?

Will we laugh? Is it sad?

Is it long, or regular?

Could you see it twice, or is once enough?

Well, uh, since you're so interested,

I'll--I'll--I'll tell you.

It's really good. You know what happens?

You got a light?

I wanna thank the naacp for this award.

Put me down!