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1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,200
Now, as it's Friday afternoon.
2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,040
I have a special treat for you.
3
00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:09,760
This little experiment I like to call
"Elephant's toothpaste".
4
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,400
All I do is mix some hydrogen
peroxide and potassium iodine
5
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:19,000
and pour it into a beaker of
ordinary, everyday washing-up liquid!
6
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,200
Ready?
7
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,360
[POURING SOUND]
8
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,840
FIZZING
9
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:42,600
Is that it?
10
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,240
Yes.
11
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,120
SCHOOL BELL RINGING
12
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:48,240
Can we go now?
13
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,560
Yes.
14
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,480
Right, Pat. We'd better get
this cleaned up.
15
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:02,680
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
16
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,160
I didn't get any on me.
Thank you, Pat, thank you.
17
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:12,520
There is something of a haze about it.
18
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,600
19
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,880
to think about it.
20
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,960
21
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:29,160
22
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,920
23
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,080
[WHISPERS]Psst! Psst!
24
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,000
[WHISPERS]Austin Allegro.
25
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,920
[WHISPERING]What are you doing?
26
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,880
I[WHISPERING]I think a deals
about to go down.
27
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,440
Get in.
28
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,760
-A drugs deal?
-Yes.
29
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,080
There's no need to whisper
while we're in the car, actually.
30
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,720
Just, pop your seat back
so you don't get spotted.
31
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,320
[CREAKING]
32
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,800
Oh! I didn't know it went back this far.
33
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:23,440
That lad there was expelled last
year for possessing...the drugs.
34
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,800
One expulsion?
35
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,880
That's nothing. In my last school,
there was double that.
36
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,760
-We had a very serious drugs problem.
-Well, I think you'll find it's worseat this school
37
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:32,840
It was an epidemic.
38
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,280
Well, here it's a pandemic.
39
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,760
Well, let's just agree,
that it's a sad fact
40
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,520
that drugs are an issue in all schools.
41
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,880
-Particularly this one.
-And the one I used to work at.
42
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,360
Anyway, I want to
talk to you about Draughts Club.
43
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,400
Whatever you do, don't let Barber
offload that onto you.
44
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,920
Hmm...He already has.
45
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,400
But I had a thought.
46
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:50,600
Oh, shh, shh!
47
00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,120
-Hello!
-Hello!
48
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,040
I thought seeing as you run Chess Club.
49
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,360
Oh, I founded it.
50
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,480
Why don't we merge it with
Draughts Club? Call it "Chaughts"?
51
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,120
It's a bold idea, Sarah.
52
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,080
-So is that a yes?
-Shh!
53
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,840
Oh, no.
54
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,680
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
55
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:14,840
MALE TEACHER: Oh, yes.
56
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:18,360
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
57
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,000
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
58
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,840
Right, if it's about the trampoline,
I've absolutely no ideahow it got on e Bay.
59
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,840
Mr Gunn, I've summoned you here,
60
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:30,000
because Mr Church has made
a rather serious allegation.
61
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,320
Drugs.
62
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,480
What?
63
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,760
You've been buying drugs from a drugs
pusher and you've got drugs!
64
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,560
No, I haven't.
65
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,240
The camera never lies.
66
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,600
Care to explain yourself, Mr Gunn?
67
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,240
Oh, that?
Yeah. No, no, no, I wasn't, um...
68
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,840
I wasn't buying drugs,
69
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,520
I was, er, I was confiscating them.
70
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,240
Well, if that's the case, Mr Gunn,
why did you give the boy money?
71
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,240
Cause he was collecting
for a Blue Peter appeal.
72
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,200
Balderdash, Mr Gunn.
73
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,120
Balderdash.
74
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,520
If you care to leave us now, Mr Church.
75
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,240
Certainly, Headmistress.
76
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,000
Balderdash!
77
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,360
Empty your pockets.
78
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,440
Oh, this is good shit.
79
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:47,600
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
80
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,080
Oh! It is good shit.
81
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,520
Right, can I have a bit of quiet, please?
82
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,800
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh!
I can still hear chattering.
83
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,760
Thank you.
I have some very important news.
84
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,240
Mr Gunn has been sacked.
85
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,520
Ah, so they finally found him,
86
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,560
watching dirty movies
in the computer room, eh?
87
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,120
It must be for siphoning petrol
out of the minibus.
88
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,640
Was it for hiring the sports hall out for
illegal raves? Look, I only went to one.
89
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,160
It was actually none of those.
90
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,560
But thank you for bringing them
to my attention.
91
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,840
No, it's much more serious than that.
92
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:27,480
Mr Gunn was caught buying
the drug...marijuana.
93
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,400
Just out of interest, who was selling it?
94
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,360
That's not important. What's important now
95
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,560
is that Mr Gunn is no longer
a teacher at this school.
96
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,280
All right! Where's the biccies?
I've got the munchies.
97
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,160
But you've been sacked!
98
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:44,760
Oh, I don't think so.
99
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,040
And you reek of drugs!
100
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,960
Well, I have to know what
I'm dealing with, don't I?
101
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,120
Oh, this is a dark day for
the school, a very dark day.
102
00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,560
Is this your Scotch egg?
103
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,360
You know damn well it's my Scotch egg.
104
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,680
That is deeply offentious!
105
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,800
Oh, I haven't even started yet, Churchy.
106
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,400
-You've just missed her.
-Where is she?
107
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,800
Nipped to the garage
to get some Jaffa Cakes.
108
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,360
MISS POSTERN: We need to get across
the anti-drugs message to the kids.
109
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,840
Well, then a song will be perfect.
110
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,680
We just need to find one that tells
the kids the drugs don't work.
111
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,000
They just make it worse.
112
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,400
Yes, exactly.
I'll do some research online,
113
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,160
see if anyone's written one
with that kind of message.
114
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,240
I thought you'd brought
a packed lunch today.
115
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,400
I did.
116
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,240
But my Scotch egg was despoiled.
117
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,960
And I'd rather not say
what was deposited in my sandwiches.
118
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,920
All right, Keith? Are you a music fan?
119
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,240
I like the early stuff.
120
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,720
Luke and I are going to sing
an anti-drugs song in assembly.
121
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:16,880
It'll mainly be me.
122
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,560
I'll be on tambourines and backing vocals.
123
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,040
In the business we call them BVs.
124
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,960
Otherwise you'd for ever be saying,
"backing vocals, backing vocals,
125
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,240
"backing vocals."
When it's much quicker to say BVs.
126
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,680
You don't want to waste everyone's time.
127
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:28,920
Yes, we get the picture.
128
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,400
Well, if you need a red-hot oboe player...
129
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,200
Not really. Oboes are not really
part of my sound.
130
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,520
Well, what is your sound?
131
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,520
It's somewhere between Oasis
and...Beady Eye.
132
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,560
Oh, an eclectic mix!
133
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:44,960
When do you want to get together
and rehearse?
134
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,840
Not sure yet.
I'll drop you a message on Facebook.
135
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,960
-Laters.
-Laters.
136
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,440
How often does Luke
send you a message on Facebook?
137
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,920
Sarah, please be honest with me.
138
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,080
Quite often, why?
139
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,960
Well, I'd hate for you
to get a reputation.
140
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,480
A reputation...as what?
141
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,400
As a woman who has... Many partners.
142
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,920
I can't help it
if every male member of staff
143
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,040
and one female member of staff
find me attractive.
144
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,400
You need to clear your own tray.
145
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,000
I'm two moves away from checkmate, sir.
146
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,680
I admire the cut of your jib,
Grandmaster Nicholas.
147
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,800
But, I'm not sure you'd bargained.
148
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,960
On me doing...this.
149
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,680
I had.
150
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,240
Which is an excellent juncture
to end today's Chess Club.
151
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,400
-I was one move away from checkmate.
-I Know.
152
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,680
I need your help with something.
153
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,600
Put the board away
and meet me in the computer room.
154
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:57,880
[WHISTLE]
155
00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,600
Run!
156
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:05,520
Duck!
157
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:09,880
GUNN: You all right, babes?
158
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,560
I just want you to know that,
I've walked in your shoes.
159
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,240
It's metaphorically.
160
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,320
You what?
161
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,080
I'm an addict...too.
162
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:23,800
What you addicted to?
163
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,520
Highlighter pens.
164
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,040
Sniffing 'em?
165
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,520
No, highlighting things.
166
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,440
It got to the stage where
I'd highlighted everything
167
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,400
there was nothing left to highlight.
168
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,680
Textbooks, magazines,
newspapers, receipts,
169
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,880
phone cards, those little Bibles
that you find in hotels.
170
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,560
it all just became
one luminous blur of colours.
171
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,480
-Sounds like a nightmare.
-Hmm.
172
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,840
Well, it's worse than a nightmare,
Trevor, because it's real.
173
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,080
Well, something had to change.
174
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,720
And that's when my sponsor
suggested that I just use the,
175
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,920
fluorescent yellow one
to highlight key words and phrases,
176
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,440
and that's what I do now.
177
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,040
Come here. Come on.
178
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,600
Shall we take a quick shower?
179
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,240
Sex addiction.
That's one of the new ones...
180
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,680
isn't it?
181
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,000
Mm-hem.
182
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,240
Move!
183
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,560
I've done a bit of research online
and I've printed this out for you.
184
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,440
Had a bit of a relapse.
185
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:35,800
Ah, there you are, Nicholas.
186
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,720
Yes, I need you to help me
get onto Facebook.
187
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:39,920
Yes, sir.
188
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,720
Is there an application form
I need to print out?
189
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,520
No, I've done it. You're on Facebook.
190
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,520
Oh! That was quick.
[MESSAGE ALERT]
191
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,080
Oh, you've already got a friend request.
192
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,160
-Dear God.
-Shall I accept?
193
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,760
No, no, no, no. Leave it.
194
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,000
OK. Let's do your profile, sir.
195
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,480
Likes?
196
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,440
-Milk.
-Anything else?
197
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:02,560
No.
198
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,880
[TYPING NOISE]
199
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,120
Favourite music?
200
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:11,480
Well, I like a real range of stuff
anything from Oasis to Beady Bye.
201
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,720
[TYPING NOISE]
202
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,920
-Favourite TV shows?
-The news.
203
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,040
And?
204
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,160
The weather.
205
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,360
-Sports?
-Just put, "no, thank you".
206
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,240
-Dislikes?
-War.
207
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,320
And wasps.
208
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,560
And wasps down...
209
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,480
Relationship status?
210
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,320
It's complicated,
so I wouldn't know what to put down.
211
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,680
Oh, they have that...Hmm.
212
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,000
Any particular friend
you wanted to add first?
213
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,640
Oh, I hadn't really thought about that.
214
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,320
What's the name
of that new French teacher?
215
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,400
Miss Postern?
216
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:50,840
Yes, well, it would be nice to add her.
217
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,880
I've sent a request.
218
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,800
Well, she's taking
an awfully long time about it.
219
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,480
I'm sorry, sir,
my mum's picking me up now.
220
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,120
Oh, yes, yes.
221
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,280
Sir...
222
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,400
Can I ask your advice about something?
223
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,400
I'm sorry, Nicholas,
this is Chess Club, so...
224
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,560
If it's not something to do with
chess, it's inappropriate.
225
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,280
-Morning, Sarah.
-I wasn't.
226
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,000
Oh...hello.
227
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,760
There's a note in your pigeon-hole.
228
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,600
Oh. Is it from you?
229
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,120
Yes.
230
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,240
Did you just put it there?
231
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,360
Yes.
232
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,240
Could you just bring it over?
233
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,520
If it's easier.
234
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:49,920
Thank you.
235
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,400
"Sarah, I sent you
a friend request on Facebook
236
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,680
"and would be delighted
if you choose to accept.
237
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,280
"Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science."
238
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,400
Oh, right, OK.
239
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:12,720
There. Done!
240
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,160
I was just wondering,
when's a good time to get together
241
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,640
to discuss the Draughts
and Chess Club merger?
242
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,200
Well, we can discuss it now, if you want.
243
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,920
Well, there's quite a lot of ground to
cover.I think it's best we do it outof school time.
244
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,360
I'm not earwigging, I'm just
toasting some gluten-free bread.
245
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:27,840
Carry on.
246
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,840
Um, when were you thinking?
247
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,160
Well, I was thinking perhaps, um...
248
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,600
Yes?
249
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,360
Well, I was thinking, um...
250
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,160
Don't worry. I'm not listening in.
251
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,160
Well, I was thinking
you might like to come over...
252
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,280
Come over where?
253
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,520
I think it's best I send you a message.
254
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,440
Sarah, I just want you to know
255
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,160
I have not told a soul
256
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,880
what I saw the pair of you
getting up to in the car yesterday.
257
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,760
We just reclined the seats.
258
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,160
[CHUCKLES]
259
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:08,080
You don't need to pretend with me.
[WHISPERING]Don't worry, I keep shtoom.
260
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:14,200
-Sarah, Ms Baron wants to see you.
-What about?
261
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:15,680
Dogging.
262
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:22,680
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
263
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,000
-What are these chairs doing here?
-Don't you ever bloody knock?
264
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,400
-Oh, you're a disgrace.
-Oh, am I?
265
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,200
Yes, and not just to yourself,
but to the PE department.
266
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,160
And the entire teaching fraternity.
267
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:36,800
You want to watch your back, Churchy.
268
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:37,920
Yes, or what?
269
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,680
Or one of these days you might wake
up with a horse's head in your bed.
270
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,200
And where would you get
a horse's head from?
271
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:47,240
Safe-ways. I know the fellah
that works the meat slice.
272
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,240
Degenerate!
273
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:53,960
Oi! Oi!
274
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,040
You're the gr-generate!
275
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,920
[TYPING NOISE]
276
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,080
Oh, Miss Postern? Miss Postern!
277
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,520
Nearly with you.
278
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,400
Almost there. Almost, almost.
279
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,000
-And...here I am.
-Hello, Keith.
280
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,240
Oh, best not to use first names
in front of the children.
281
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,560
Oh, right. Erm, well...
282
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,760
Right, well, I was just dashing off
to teach 9C, so...
283
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,720
Oh, just wondered if you'd had a
chance to digest my latest message?
284
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,080
I'll just check now, shall I?
285
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,200
Here it is.
286
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,000
-"Dear Sarah, I trust you're well..."
-trust you're well
287
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,080
"...draughts and chess merger...
Saturday night."
288
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,800
I am never free on a Saturday night.
289
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,080
Oh, yes, of course, sorry.
290
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:00,760
Except this Saturday night.
291
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,720
Oh, wonderful!
292
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,160
-Shall I, er, lay on a spread?
-Oh!
293
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,520
Just some nibbles.
Shall I come over after Strictly?
294
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,880
Which I usually have to record
because I'm always out.
295
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,960
Well, why don't we watch Strictly together
296
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,280
and then discuss the merger?
297
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,120
Oh, are you into Strictly?
298
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,520
Oh, yes. Very much.
299
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,160
Oh, I think the standard this year
is the best ever.
300
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,200
I was going to say it myself
the standard this year is the best ever.
301
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,520
The judges say it every year,
but this time it is actually true.
302
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,280
Oh, those judges, they do say it!
303
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,680
Oh, I'm so glad you're following it!
304
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,800
-Who do you think is gonna win?
-Oh, there's a question.
305
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,400
Who's gonna...win it?
306
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,600
Who? Who's gonna...win it? Er...
307
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,360
Not seen it, have you?
308
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:42,600
-No.
-No.
309
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,040
310
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,800
[DOORBELL RINGING]
311
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:02,640
Sausage roll?
312
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,360
Hello!
313
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,040
Hello. Would you like a sausage roll?
314
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,880
Not right now. I'll probably take
my coat off first.
315
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,480
Oh, yes, yes.
316
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,280
The toilet's there, if you need it.
317
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,280
I don't at the moment.
318
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,440
Probably be needing it later.
Come through.
319
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,520
-Sandwich?
-That's a lot of food.
320
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,720
Oh, just a cold buffet. Pickled egg?
321
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,080
Is it all for us?
322
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,600
Anything we don't eat tonight,
I'll just graze on during the week.
323
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,200
Right. Oh. Oh!
324
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,800
Well, let's get this party started!
325
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,400
[APPLAUSE ON TV]
326
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,160
Oh, yes, my love, you were wicked!
327
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,840
So some are professional dancers
and some are celebrities?
328
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,240
Yes, that's right.
329
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,120
And the marks are out of ten?
330
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,000
Of course, the marks are out of ten.
331
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,520
-The most sensible metric to have.
-Sorry.
332
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,000
It's my favourite TV programme
and it is quite annoying
333
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,200
with you constantly asking questions
and making comments.
334
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,400
Oh, I'm sorry. I won't say another thing.
335
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,440
What a feeling, what a dance!
336
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,200
KEITH: So has the one on the end there
got a wife?
337
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,320
No, of course he hasn't got a wife,
he's gay!
338
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,080
Well, I don't know who's gay
and who isn't gay.
339
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,800
-Well, does it matter if he's gay?
-No, it doesn't matter if he's gay.
340
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,080
I just can't keep up with who's gay
and who isn't gay these days.
341
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,280
Could you please be quiet?
342
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,920
-I am being quiet.
-Shh!
343
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,640
An amazing tango section at the end.
That was absolutely...
344
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,120
So is the one on the other end gay?
345
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,800
Yeah, yeah, they're all gay.
346
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,240
Everyone on the show is gay.
347
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,560
Everyone on TV is gay, all right?
348
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,880
-Mini quiche?
-No, no, no.
349
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,160
I would like another drink of wine,
though, please.
350
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,280
I'm afraid you've had all the wine.
351
00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,960
Oh, well, what else have you got?
352
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:02,800
Milk
353
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,880
Yakult?
354
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,480
-No, I want another "drink" drink.
-Must have something.
355
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:12,960
Ah!
356
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,160
Here we go. Been saving it
for a special occasion.
357
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,880
-Turnip liqueur.
-Ooh!
358
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,880
[POURING NOISE]
359
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:29,880
God!
360
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,680
That is quite rooty.
361
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,080
That'll be the turnips.
I'm just making another trip to thecold buffet.
362
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,560
Can I get you anything?
363
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,520
Are there any chipolatas left?
364
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:43,920
There's a few.
365
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,360
366
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,800
367
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,000
Oh, I love this song!
368
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:51,840
Ooh!
369
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,160
Check out Patrick Swayze.
370
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,600
Oh, check out the...
371
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,760
The lady in the film.
372
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,240
Put the chipolatas down.
373
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,960
374
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:07,600
375
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,800
-Oh, we haven't discussed the merger!
-What?
376
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,240
The Chess and Draughts Club merger!
377
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,440
Oh, well, um, do you want to do it?
378
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,400
Yes. Oh, well, so do I.
379
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,600
That was easy, wasn't it?
380
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,080
381
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,520
382
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,120
383
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,320
Should we do the lift?
384
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,640
Well, how much do you weigh?
385
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,360
That's, um, quite a personal question.
386
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,840
Well, it's more of a physics question.
387
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,520
About nine stone two,
but I've got quite a lot in my pockets.
388
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,080
Hm. Give it a go.
389
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,400
Ooh!
390
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,920
[CHEERING ON TV]
391
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,120
[DOORBELL RINGING]
392
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,720
Oh, go away, we're doing dirty dancing!
393
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,480
I should just go and see who it is.
394
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,920
[DOORBELL RINGING]
395
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,320
Pop you down.
396
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,000
Oh, some chipolatas there
to keep you going.
397
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,080
CHEERING
398
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,000
-What's going on, Churchy?
-What are you doing here?
399
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,720
-We're here for the party.
-There is no party.
400
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,440
Don't worry, sir. Bring a bottle.
401
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,080
POSTERN: Let them in!
402
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,960
Oh, wicked! Look, Scotch eggs!
403
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,960
Well, leave some for your French teacher.
404
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:23,200
405
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:27,120
406
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,680
Why are you all here?
407
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,600
You invited us, sir.
408
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,480
-I did no such thing.
-Er, yeah, you did...on Facebook.
409
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:37,560
What?
410
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,560
-Sir, it's not...it's not budging.
-Manyou, what are you doing with my oboe?
411
00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,200
Just trying to unblock your bog, sir.
412
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,440
Come on! Let's have a dance!
413
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,920
Miss, why are you dancing with
Mr Church? You boning him?
414
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,880
Well, I don't think
that's biologically possible.
415
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,680
Come on! Let's show them how to par-tez!
416
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,840
Oh, hello, Pat.
417
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,680
MUSIC STOPS PLAYING.
418
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,400
-Right.
-What are you doing?
419
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,800
-Can I have a bit of quiet, please?
-What's he doing?
420
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:33,160
-I can still hear talking!
-Turn the music back on!
421
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,440
Don't be so boring, Keith!
422
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,080
Not in front of the children!
423
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,040
-His name's Keith!
-Keith!
424
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:44,360
[CHANTING]Keith! Keith! Keith!
Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith!
425
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,440
Come on, it's Saturday night!
426
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,480
Let's go bonkers.
427
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,320
-You're actually kinda cool, Miss.
-Don't sound so surprised!
428
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,000
I actually listen to Radio 1
in the mornings, you know!
429
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,720
-Well, you'd want a toke, Miss?
-Yeah! Let's have a toke!
430
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,320
Miss Postern!
431
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,920
GUNN: Look, Ms Baron,
it's all over the internet.
432
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,880
This is awful.
He's even put it on his Facebook.
433
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,720
Yes, well, I think
we know how that got there.
434
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:16,800
And I've even heard.
435
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,920
That someone's sent it to the local paper.
436
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,880
Headmistress, I can explain everything.
437
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,840
I think it's too late for that.
I mean, really, Mr Church,
438
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,480
hosting a drugs party!
439
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,520
I was not hosting a drugs party.
440
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,960
Were there any other
members of staff present?
441
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,160
No, just me
and a...very generous cold spread.
442
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,640
The spread is of no interest to me.
443
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,960
I'm more interested in this picture
of you holding a joint.
444
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:42,800
Camera never lies.
445
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,280
Well, on this very specific occasion,
the camera did lie
446
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,040
because although I'm holding the,
um... Gan-ja!
447
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,560
"gan-ja", I did not take a toke.
448
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,880
Hear that? "Ganja", "toke"?
Knows all the lingo, don't he?
449
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,560
Did any money change hands?`
450
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,960
-No, of course not!
-Stealing drugs.
451
00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:59,600
That's even worse.
You should make a note of that
452
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,240
Yes, thank you, Mr Gunn.
You can leave us now.
453
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,360
Should I announce he's been sacked
454
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:09,960
-or, um?
-Thank you.
455
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:18,480
MR GUNN: Yes!
456
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,000
Headmistress, I feel my position
at the school has become untenable.
457
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,720
And I would like to tender my resignation.
458
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,600
No, I've got a better idea.
459
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,120
You can talk to the whole school
about the dangers of drug addiction.
460
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,400
But I'm not a drug addict!
I've never even taken drugs.
461
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:33,760
Everybody's seen the picture.
462
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,760
I think the children would really benefit
463
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,440
from hearing at length
about your drugs hell.
464
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:47,160
They just make you worse
465
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,600
466
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:57,560
They just make you worse
467
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,200
468
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,720
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING UNENTHUSIASTICALLY]
469
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,880
Despite this school's very strong
anti-drugs stance,
470
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:17,760
as you know, any drugs...
471
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,800
I'm sorry you got the blame
for all of this.
472
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,320
Oh, please don't be.
473
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,600
Maybe I should say something?
474
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,560
Shh!
HEADMISTRESS: One of the teaching staff
475
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,480
has been unmasked as a drugs fiend.
476
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,600
Would they please now stand up?
477
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,600
First, I became addicted
to Halls Soothers.
478
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,600
But that was just a gateway
to the harder stuff.
479
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:36,680
Mr Church!
480
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,800
Oh! Sorry. Forget I said that.
481
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,360
Yes. I am a drugs addict.
482
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,040
I'm always getting drugged up
on the drugs.
483
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,160
At first, I enjoyed taking the drugs.
484
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,200
I thought I could fly.
I started seeing things.
485
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:06,640
Pink elephants.
486
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,880
Pink elephants on parade.
487
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:16,680
I realised I was high
and I wanted to get high again.
488
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:20,240
Soon, I would do anything
to get high on the drugs
489
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,640
and even considered selling my body.
490
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,520
[SNIGGERING]
491
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:30,280
As a result, I've let myself down...
I've let the teachers down,
492
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,680
I've let various members
of the administrative staff down.
493
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:38,040
But most of all, I've let you down
the kids.
494
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,320
Today, you've lost a role model.
495
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,880
So, drugs. Don't do 'em, yeah?
496
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:08,120
[CLAPPING LOUDLY]
497
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:13,400
[CLAPPING LOUDLY]
498
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:21,760
Thank you. For...not fingering me.
499
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,680
Ha! For you, anything.
500
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,480
And your speech...surprisingly powerful.
501
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,080
Well, I feel like
I've finally conquered my demons.
502
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,960
But remember,
you've never actually taken drugs.
503
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,800
Let's not spoil it for the children.
504
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,040
-Scarface!
-Oh!
505
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,680
-Stoner!
-Oh!
506
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,480
Keeping it real! Indeedy!
507
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:55,800
Churchy!
508
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:56,880
Stoner!
509
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,680
There is a boy in my tutor group
who is having some problems at home.
510
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,240
His mother's on sex safari.
511
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:16,080
I imagine the Masai lovemaking
is very animalistic.
512
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,640
Sorry to hear about your wife
running off with the, um...
513
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,480
Masai tribesman.
514
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,720
-Who do you think wrote that song?
-A bell-end?
515
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,360
We need to rehearse, Juliet And Romeo.
516
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:25,600
Swapped the names round. Well done.
517
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,160
Shakka-speare must be
rolling in his grave.
518
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,480
Boozer!
519
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:32,840
ALL: Yes!
520
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:38,840
There is something of a haze about it
521
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,200
522
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,560
523
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,600
524
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,800
525
00:28:56,280 --> 00:29:00,640
37970
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