All language subtitles for Big.School.(2013).S01E02.Episode.2.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-Cinefeel_track3_[eng].1-en

Pat, the bowl, please.

Watch very closely

as the sodium reacts with water.

Oh, heh-heh!

I can manage, thank you, Pat.

What are One Direction
doing on there?

A direction.

It's a learning aid for my
Year Eights.

It's just all the hot and happening
bands.

Une Direction aren't hot
and happening.

Well...they might lack the
integrity of Florence Et L'Engin

or La Femme Gaga,

but they are certainly
hot and happening.

They don't even play
their own instruments.

Look, it is just a bit of fun
to get the kids to learn French.

It's not fun.

They're killing music.

Oh!

Uh...

You all right, Trevor?

Yeah, I'm just warming down
from yesterday's charity run.

-Oh! Who did you run for?
-Well, I don't know what the rightword for it is these days,

but the wheelchair ones.

It was a mile.

It was over 1.6K.

I did the fun run too.

-You?
-Yep.

-Brilliant!
-I mean,

I only lasted the first hundred
yards, then my body went into spasm.

-Course.
-To get home, I had to borrowone of their wheelchairs. Mm.

I, er, actually do a lot
for charity.

I mean, I love teaching,

but I will probably be remembered
more for my charity work.

It'd be great to do something here.
MRS KLEBB LAUGHS

Well, good luck getting it past
the head in this school

She's not one for charity.

-No?
-No.

My partner, Frieda,
needed a double hip replacement.

God knows what they were doing.

I wanted her to go privately,

so I asked the head
if I could use the dining hall

for a performance
of The Vagina Monologues.

And she didn't want that?

No.

Apparently, Frieda's the butch one.

I mean, the mind boggles.

So, turn to page 18
in your textbooks.

Right, settle down.

Everyone turn to page 62
in your textbooks.

-Mr Hubble...
-No talking.

-Sorry, excuse me.
-Can't this wait?

I'm in the middle of a class.

Yes, you're in the middle of
my class. You're meant to benext door with 7B.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, of course. Gymnastics.

No, no, no, no. Chemistry.

Chemistry! Yes, of course.

So, can anyone tell me
what the atomic number?

Right, settle down.

Everyone turn to page 62
in your textbooks.

Remind me of your name again.

Sarah. Sarah Postern.

Sorry, you just haven't
made much of an impression.

Well, perhaps not on you,
but certainly on the children,and that's what matters.

I think they just assume
you're one of the cleaners.

-Are you here for a reason?
-Yes.

Um, I am really into my charity work

and I'd love to do something
for charity here at Greybridge.

-Which charity?
-Children in Need.

I hate that bloody bear.

I'd gladly poke out its other eye.

Understood.

But it is on TV on Friday night,
and the school isn't doinganything for it.

All right. What do you want to do?

And it had better not be a play
about talking fannies.

At my last school, I did all sorts.

Wore a one side for the whole day.

Big pink one side. It was hilarious!

Sounds it!

And I'd just love to do something
that random here. Just for fun.

You know, but also raising
much-needed cash forchildren with really tough lives

both here in the UK
and in Northern Ireland.

-Like what?
-Non-uniform day.

No. We had one in 2002 and
all the girls came dressed as sluts.

OK, well, what about a school disco?

Discos equal unwanted pregnancies.
Is that it?

-No, I've got another one.
-Quickly, please.

Talent show.

If you can find any talented
pupils in this school,I'd be very surprised.

Ah, but here's the twist.
Are you ready for this?

It's quite a curve ball.
It's a little bit maverick.

You'll be thinking, "Where's she
come up with this idea from?"I thought...

-Is it the teachers
doing the acts?-Yes...

Beautiful poster, Miss, er, Post-ern.

-Oh, good one!
-I do try.

Sure you don't mind me
putting it up here on your patch?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You go ahead.

Yeah, I just had this nutty idea
that it's the teacherswho are the contestants

and the kids who are the judges.

Oh!

That really is quite madcap.

Where do you get
all these zany ideas from?

Just out of my head!

I think I must need help!

Well, as I always say, you don't have
to be mad to work here...

BOTH: But it helps.
That's what I say!

-Yeah, that's actually my catchphrase.
-I think you might have got thatfrom me.

So, can I put your name
down for a spot?

No, no, no, no!

A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.

Oh. Oh, that's a shame.

I...I thought we could have done an
act together.

-Yes.
-Hm?

Ignore my previous comments. Yes.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes, come in.

-Ms Baron?
-What now?

I need to discuss a matter with you
of some delicacy. May I sit down?

-I'd rather you didn't.
-Oh, sorry.

Please don't lean on it.

Oh. Excuse me. Um...

It's Mr Hubble.

I fear that, at his age, head of
science is getting too much for him.

Here we go again, Mr Church.
What's he meant to have done now?

-Well, yesterday, he was asleep in
the staff room.-Mm.

This morning, he left 7B completely
without supervision.

-Mm-hm.
-And just now in thestoreroom, he...

Bent down to pick up some
iron filings and he...

Broke wind very violently.

Was it the noise or the smell
that was the problem?

Well, I hate to say it,
but it was a bit of both.

I fear we'll never recover
those iron filings.

Thank you, Mr Church, for bringing
these matters to my attention.

I must add them to the file.

Thank you.

"Mr Church...

"continuing to make...

"wild accusations...

"against senior members of staff."

Just, er...

Signing up for the talent show.

"Sarah and Keith,
duet for voice and oboe."

Yes, that's right.

We're doing a duet, so if anyone else
wanted to do an act with me,

apologies, I'm taken.

Good, so I hope other people will put
their name up and get behind Sarah.

I'll get behind her.

Good.

No, I mean, I'll get behind her.

-That's what I'm asking you to do.
-No, I mean,

I'll get behind her
and have sex with her.

-From behind.
-Yes, well, I think if you did,

she'd find out about it.
Gareth, what can I put you down for?

-A talk on living with
nervous tension.-Yes...

"Act TBC." Thank you.

Here y'are, put me down
for a couple of comedy skits.

-Didn't know you did comedy.
-Oh, yeah.

I'm like Jimmy Carr, but more, um...

-quick-witted.
-Oh.

Right, anybody else?

-Janine?
-Oh, yes, you can put me downfor performance poetry.

-That rings alarm bells.
-No.

Frieda, my partner,
she's taken to writing poetry,so I'm going to do one on racism.

For or against?

Against, you moron.

All right. Luke?

Going to have a song
from the music teacher?

-No.
-What?

Talent shows aren't for me.
I'd never sell out like that.

-But this is for charity.
-Look...

Real musicians don't look
for a short cut.

They get the gigs in. Gig, gig, gig.

-Gig.
-This is a gig.

It's a talent show.
Would the Stereophonics have made itthrough the X Factor auditions?

-Would The Verve have got to
boot camp?-I've no idea what you're talking about.

Would Ocean color Scene
have made it to the judges' houses?

Not a clue, but it would really help
Sarah if you put your name down.

Yeah, but if I did,
I'm not sure I could ever lookmyself in the eye again.

-Oh...
-Oh, give it a rest, mate.

Sorry, man. It's just not my bag.
You'd never find me on the X Factor.

Didn't you audition for The Voice?

Completely different thing.

BELL RINGS

N'oubliez pas vos devoirs. Demain.

French has finished, Miss.
Speak English.

Miss Postern...

-Oh. Hello, Keith.
-Not in front of the children.

Just to say, I've got everyone
signed up for the talent show.

Oh, thank you!
Oh, this is good - everyone's here.

Yeah, had to twist their arms a bit

because they're not quite
as into charity as we are.

-Oh, it's going to be such a laugh.
-A hoot!

That's not what it's about, though.

No, that was the next thing
I was going to say.

It's not about having a hoot.

-No, it's about the children.
-In need.

-In desperate need.
-Mm.

So, do you want to choose a song
for our duet, or shall I?

You choose. I'm sure
whatever you pick will be perfect.

MR CHURCH: I don't like the song.

How can you not like Imagine?

I've never agreed with the lyrics.

The lyrics are profound.
They're like poetry.

They're better than poetry, because
some poetry doesn't even rhyme.

Yes, all right, Sarah.
Let me just query this.

"Imagine there's no countries."

Yes? What's wrong with that?

Well, how would the Olympics have
worked? Or Going For Gold?

I think you're missing the point.

"Imagine no possessions."

Without my Tupperware container,
this sliced apple would havegone brown in minutes.

I think John Lennon had more
important things on his mindthan sliced apple.

Well, all I'm suggesting
is that we rewrite the song.

Rewrite John Lennon?

-One of the main ones from
The Beatles?-Yes.

I mean, would you repaint
the Sistine Chapel?

Well, I'd Tipp-Ex over the penises,
yes.

No. Imagine is one of the greatest
songs ever written.

I think Mike The Mechanics
have something to say about that.

OK, let's forget it. Because you
clearly know nothing about music.

Well, I think my grade five oboe
speaks for itself.

Oh, your oboe playing is,
at best, pedestrian!

Ooh, what's this? Lovers' tiff?

No, it's just musical differences.

Thank you for putting
your name down, though.

It's all right, babe.
Just wanted to support.

Anyway, give me a chance to do my,
er, my comedy impressions.

-Oh, I didn't know you did
impressions.-Oh, yeah.

-Who do you do?
-I do 'em all.

All the famous people.
Go on, name one.

Er, Bruce Forsyth.

No, I don't do him.

-Homer Simpson?
-Don't do him.

David Beckham?

-Don't do him.
-Alan Sugar?

-Sean Connery?
-Don't do him.

-Alan Hansen? George Bush?
-Don't do him.

-Don't do him. Er...
-Victor Meldrew?

-No, I don't do him.
-The meerkat one?

-I don't do him.
-OK, is it, perhaps,easier for you

just to tell me who you do do?

I do Keith Lemon.

AS KEITH LEMON: Hiya, my name's
Keith Lemon. Holly Willough-booby.

Massive bangers! Bang tidy!
Shitting. Finished.

There.
SHE LAUGHS

-That's really good!
-Ah!

-I do impressions too.
-I didn't know that.

Yeah! See if you can guess
who this is.

Hello. I'm Ms Baron,
headmistress at Greybridge School.

Borat.

Oh, er,

thanks for everything today, Pat.

You can leave those test tubes
until tomorrow.

I want a word with you.

Oh! Ha! Hello, Mr Hubble. Lovely
weather we've been having today.

Going to the headmistress
to make complaints about me?

Well, it was more concern.

I have been head of science
at this school for 22 years now.

If you have a problem,
you come directly to me

or Mr Church.

I am Mr Church.

Yes, me or Mr Church.

You may leave.

Women teachers!

Mr Barber, could you ask Mr Church
to pass the water jug, please?

-Give us the jug.
-Mr Barber, will you ask Miss Postern

if she wants the one with lemon in
or the one without?

-Lemon.
-Lemon.

Mr Barber, could you tell Mr Church
that he's a total bellend?

-Mr Church, Mr Gunn says...
-Yes, I heard.

-Mr Barber, could you ask...
-You ask him!

He's only sat there!
What's the matter with you?

Mr Church thinks he can improve
upon the lyrics of John Lennon.

Could you imagine no countries,
Mr Barber?

It would make my geography lessons
a damn sight easier.

See?

Even a geography teacher,

someone whose job it is to think
about countries all day long,

can imagine no countries.

So, I think I can speak for
John Lennon when I say I'm right.

Well, it hardly matters now,
cos I'm doing something different.

Yes, I've been working out
the oboe part

for Mike The Mechanics'
The Living Years.

That's a shame,
because all my slots are filled.

Not guilty.

There's no space for you
in my talent contest. Deal with it.

Miss Postern, this ridiculous
behaviour has gone on long enough!

Mr Church,
will you keep your voice down?

No, I will not keep my voice down!

-You having that crumble?
-I would appreciate it

if you removed your poster
from my chemistry notice board.

-KIDS: Ooooooh!
-I'd be delighted to.

I don't think anybody looks at
that notice board anyway.

Chemistry is a very boring subject!

KIDS: Yeah!

You leave chemistry out of this.

You have to clear your own tray.

And French is a poor man's Spanish.

KIDS LAUGH

Ready for the show tomorrow?

Not really.

It's all become quite fractious.

Yeah. Problem is,
Churchy hates charity.

Well, he's certainly not the man
I thought he was.

He irons his poppy.

He's had the same one
for about five years.

Well, that's a new low.

It's no way to show respect
for our boys, is it?

I just don't know
what I'm going to do in the show.

It's really upsetting.

Although obviously not as upsetting
as the lives of children in need,

both here and in Northern Ireland.

I'll help you with your act.

That's...really kind of you. Why
don't you come over to mine tonight?

-To your mum's house?
-Yeah. She's got aquarobicson a Thursday.

Come over, have a bite to eat,
take a bath.

Trevor, I'm not sure
what sort of women you're used to...

-Slappers.
-That's quite offensive,but probably true.

Anyway, my point is,

I'm never going to come over to
your house and take a bath.

All right, how about a shower? Then
we can do some work on your act.

-Afterwards, you'll be a bit tired,
have a little lie-down.-Night, Trevor.

Pay for a minicab home!

No.

Yesterday's behaviour in the dining
room was completely unacceptable.

-I'm sorry, Headmistress.
-Sorry.

It's always bad for the school
when two teachersare in a relationship.

We're not in a relationship.

Well, we sort of are.

-We're not.
-Well, we're just at the startof a relationship.

No, we're not.

We're not even on the cusp of the
start of a potential relationship.

No.

We're at the pre-start stage.

There is no pre-start stage.

And if we were in a relationship,
we would now be after the end of it.

Enough. The thought of the two
of you together makes me shudder.

Please keep your relationship
out of school time.

Well, that will be very easy,
because there isn't a relationship.

I actually think
it's a very good idea,

because Miss Postern
has become quite clingy.

-Clingy? Me? I've become?
-Mm.

You're the one who's become clingy.

-I'm not clingy. You can't call
me clingy cos I called you clingy!-You are clingy.

-Now she's being hysterical.
Hysterical and clingy.-I am not being hysterical!

You are being hysterical!

You're both being hysterical.

Mr Church, leave us.

Miss Postern, stay.

News has reached this office
that you do an impression of me.

No. No!

No. No!

Well, yes.

But it's...quite a fond impression,
so...

I'd love to hear it.

-Oh... Oh, I don't think so.
I don't...-Just do it for me.

AS MS BARON: Hello!

I'm Ms Baron.

Headmistress.

Headmistress at Greybridge School.

Please continue.

I like to sit in my office
all day...

And smoke.

OWN VOICE:
Promise I will never do it again.

You may leave.

Thank you.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

BOY: Wow!

KIDS: Wow! Wow! Wow!

All right, that's not... That's not
really in the spirit of it, is it?

Judges, can we have your scores
on the doors, please, for Mr Barber?

Six points.

That has actually
put you in the lead, though.

So, um, big round of applause
for Mr Barber, please.

-KIDS: Baa!
-All right, all right, all right.

I thought we'd got that
out of our systems. Next up,we have some comedy jokes for you

-that I'm sure we're all going to
find utterly hilarious.-Well done. That was very brave.

Yeah. To go out there
and sing like a bender.

But it's not your PE teacher,
because tonight,

please welcome TV's Keith Lemons!

APPLAUSE

Watch and learn.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Eh!

All right? I'm Keith Lemon!

Bang tidy. Bang tidy!
APPLAUSE

Right, sorry I'm late but,
er, I was stuck backstage.

I was motting out Miss Klebb-abooby.

LAUGHTER
No, I'm joking.

Course I wasn't. I mean,
she's a massive...massive lesbikon.

LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE

MR GUNN CONTINUES
IMPRESSION INDISTINCTLY

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Well, thank goodness that's over.

Can we have the scores
for Mr Gunn, please?

APPLAUSE

Do you want to do the cross-country
run in your pants?

OK, 27 points for Mr Gunn, putting
him at the top of the leaderboard.

Well done, Mr Gunn!

CHEERING

OK.

And the last act is, er,
Miss Postern.

And that is me.

This was supposed to be a duet,

er, but it didn't quite pan out
like that,

so, um...I'm going to have a go
anyway.

So, here goes.

WEAKLY:

SHE WHIMPERS

I'm sorry, I can't,
um, I can't do this.

OBOE PLAYS "IMAGINE"

BOTH:

CHEERING

Judges, the scores, please,
for Miss Postern!

-Oh, and Mr Church!
-Oh!

Churchy!
CHEERING

Yes!

Oh, no, no, no, this is a fix.

In what universe is John Lennon
better than Keith Lemon?

APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Oh, thank you!

Oh, thank you so much! Oh!

I'm... But that... It's not about me
getting a standing ovation,

it is really all about
the children in need,

both here and in Northern Ireland.

So, please give generously
on your way out.

Three cheers for Miss Postern.
Hip, hip!

MUSIC: You Raise Me Up

He said he wasn't going to do it.

This is against the rules!
Are you going to say anything?

I think it's over, thank God.

ALL:

No...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. I love you guys.

Just before you give your scores,

I want to dedicate this performance
to my nana.

Nana, you were the only one
who ever believed in me.

You told me to follow my dreams.

ALL: Ahhhhh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Amazing!

Thank you! Nana...

TEARFULLY: This is for you.

Hi, Nana. I won!

Who are you talking to?

My nana.

She's alive?

-Yeah.
-Well, why did you look tothe sky when you mentioned her?

She lives up north.

Your grandson is a shit.

HE PLAYS "IMAGINE"

-Mr Church has made a rather
serious allegation.-Drugs!

You want to watch your back,
Churchy.

I'd hate for you to get a reputation.

I can't help it
if every male member of staff

and one female member of staff
find me attractive.

Balderdash!

Check out Patrick Swayze!

My Scotch egg was despoiled

and I'd rather not say
what was deposited in my sandwiches.