Original subtitles

SAFE DRIVING

Hey Beavis...

it's like, I already know how to drive.

So it's like, I don't really need to take this class.

Yeah. Me too.

- I've driven before. - No you haven't, Beavis.

You drove bumper cars that one time.

And you got stuck in the corner. Everyone was kicking your ass.

Even that little girl.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

I drove a real car once. You weren't there. It was somewhere else.

It was cool, yeah.

Permission slips and birth certificates! Let's see them. Move it! Move it!

PARENTAL PERMISSION MR. BUTTHEAD

CERTIFICATE OF BIRTH

What are you staring at, Butt-Head?

PARENT PERMISSION BIRTH CERTIFICATE

You waiting for a playful pat on the butt? Move it!

This is gonna be cool!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh no.

This isn't very good, Butt-Head.

Thank you, Beavis.

Like I couldn't have figured that out myself.

Anytime.

Boy!

- This really isn't very good. - Yeah, yeah. I know that, Butt-Head.

Tell me something I don't know. Yeah.

Okay.

You know the last time you went to the bathroom?

- Yeah. - I hocked a loogie in your Coke...

and you drank it.

It was cool.

I knew that.

I spit it out.

No, you didn't.

- You drank it. - Shut up, Butt-Head.

I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time.

Yeah, I remember that.

- But I didn't eat it. - Yeah, but it was cool.

- You ate the cracker. - Yeah.

I took the turd off and finished the cracker.

So what?

By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis.

Yeah, really. Tell me something I d... I mean, yeah. This sucks! Yeah!

I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.

- Yeah. - Yeah yeah, really.

I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.

- Yeah. Me neither. - Me neither.

I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.

- Yeah. - Yeah, really.

- Life sucks! - So I'm looking for a girl

- with a job and a car. - Whoa!

Find a girl with a job and a car.

- That's a good idea! - Oh yeah, yeah.

This guy's really smart.

Yeah, it's like, he figures out what his problems are

and then he like, figures out, you know, what to do about it.

I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.

- Preach on, brother Cooper. - I know that's right.

I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.

I heard that yeah, yeah, really.

I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school.

- That sucks. - Yeah.

So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job.

And a house... with cable.

He doesn't get cable?

Really! What a dumbass!

If you don't have cable you might as well just, like, you know, like, like...

- go to school or something. - He can't go to school, Beavis, remember?

He doesn't have a job, he doesn't have a girl or a car or cable...

He doesn't have cable?

No way, he's like a rock star and stuff.

I thought all rock stars had cable.

Cut it out, butthole!

Shut the hell up! Now, welcome to driver's ed.

I'm required to tell you that the film we are about to see

contains actual footage of gruesome car crashes.

- Yes! - Yeah. Yeah!

Multiple car pileups!

Car crashes rule!

It's nothing I haven't seen,

but it may be too much for some of you delicate types.

Now, no one's gonna think you're a pantywaist if you can't take it,

but if you can't, I suggest you

get your pathetic, weak-willed little butt out of here now!

You have five seconds.

- That guy's a wuss. - Yeah. He's a panty-wuss.

Shut up! Lights!

THE STATE HIGHWAY PATROL

BLOODY MESS BEHIND THE WHEEL

- This movie's old. - Yeah.

This is from back when people were stupid.

Quiet!

Most young people are conscientious citizens,

who drive defensively and obey all the applicable traffic laws.

Look, he's flipping him off.

- Yeah. - Shut up!

But there's always going to be one or two bad apples in the bunch.

Those guys are cool.

These two boys, let's call them Vinnie and Frankie,

think they're "cool". All their friends think they're "cool".

But unsafe driving is never "cool".

- Let's cruise, Frankie. - Hey, cool.

Cool.

Faster! Faster!

Hang a Louie, Frankie.

He said "loogie".

And.... he... he said "hang" too.

- Louie, Frankie! Louie! - Wait. First, I gotta signal.

- Don't be a square, Frankie. Just hang it. - All right, wisenheimer.

Splat.

OFFICIAL STATE PATROL FOOTAGE

Whoa! His brain fell out!

This is your brain! This is your brain on the street. Any questions? Yeah.

THE END

That was cool!

Who is this dude? He looks familiar.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's... what's his name? Captain Kangaroo!

- Captain what? - You know, Captain Kangaroo.

You know, Mr. Green Jeans and Magic Drawing Board, yeah.

You know.

What kind of music is this?

I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap.

Oh yeah.

I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black.

Plus, he's old.

...make me want to grab my submachine.

- Whoa! This is pretty violent! - Yeah.

Enough is enough.

- First time I shot her... - Whoa!

- I shot her in the side. - He shouldn't have shot that chick.

- She's pretty hot. - Yeah, really.

I would've taken her off his hands.

Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have, like,

fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have

just scared her away. And then like, and then like, I could score.

I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...

you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know. I know.

That's why I was suggesting it. Yeah.

All right, Butt-Head. Now pay attention!

Just release the brake,

and press gently on the accelerator.

Yeah, dumbass. Drive! Drive!

Butt-Head, what is your problem?

Apply gentle pressure to the accelerator.

Do it! Now!

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