Original subtitles

1-900-BEAVIS

Don't waste your life away watching TV. Call our free 800 number

and get started in the exciting field of hair removal!

Stuck in a dead-end job? Why, when you could be

earning top dollar as an appellate court judge?

Just call this toll-free number and our well-trained instructors--

Alone?

Got something on your mind?

Call me at

1-900-LICK.

Just 9.99 a minute. What are you waiting for?

Hello?

Hello?

I know you're there.

She said something!

- WATER, WATER! - So what, Beavis?

I don't know, water's cool!

This seems pretty cool.

- This chick is hot! - Chicks are cool!

This chick's pretty hot, but it's like,

she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.

If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like:

"Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!"

- ...heading my direction... - Whoa, did she say "erection"?!

I hope so!

I'll say it. Errrection!

I don't care if you say it, Beavis!

I think she said it. Really.

Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.

Well, her face is naked.

So what, Beavis?

- Every girl's face is naked! - Really?

That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes

on their face, but then, like, not on their body.

- I'd settle for that. - Yeah! I bet chicks would go for that!

Ass naked rules.

Hello?

Who's this?

Don't tell her our real names.

Uh, I'm Beavis and he's Butt-Head.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Would you like to know what I have on?

Absolutely...

nothing.

I'm naked.

Are you there?

Hello?

Hey Beavis... I think I just inoculated.

So...

what do you want to talk about?

- Don't be shy. - Well...

could you, like... put the phone on your butt?

Whoa! I can hear her butt!

Oh, got something on your mind?

Hey mommy, it's your phone sex ad.

Hey, I warned you about that language.

What's with this damn chair?

What's this?

Hey! put it back! Put it back! Put the phone back!

You still there?

With--

With the money you spend on phone sex,

you ought to start your own 900 number.

Cool!

I'm Jay Whitelman, your phone company representative. How can I help you?

We want to, like, get our own 900 number.

Ah, starting your own business. A piece of the American dream.

What type of line? Sports? Information?

- We want to meet chicks. - Yeah. And score.

Social interaction. What's your current rate of income?

Uh... Six?

Under 15,000. Education?

- Is that like, school? - We'll put down "third grade".

Now, boys, this is very important.

A 900 number is a bond of trust between customer and proprietor.

You're asking people to call you and pay for the privilege,

because you're providing a valuable service.

You do intend to provide a valuable service, don't you?

- No. - That's what I like to hear.

Congratulations, boys. You're on the gravy train.

All you have to do is sign at the bottom and put today's date.

Keep your eyes on your own paper, butt burglar.

- This is hard. - Yeah.

- Getting a 900 number sucks. - Yeah, yeah.

Where are you going?

We're gonna get our phone sex the old-fashioned way.

What way is that?

- We'll call from Stewart's place. - Oh yeah, yeah.

"Put it in?"

- Cool! - Yeah.

Put it in. PUT IT IN!

Man! I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.

He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.

What?

You're a weirdo, Beavis.

How come every time I'm talking about chicks

and stuff, you just like, don't get it?

I get it!

It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if,

like, he had this hat on with some horns on it.

Yeah, Eric the Rod.

The Rod. See? See? I got that.

The Rod!

Baby please, please...

Put me in...

Whoa! This is one horny dude.

- Hey, Beavis. - What?

If we got our own 900 number, it'd be like working.

That would suck.

This is better.

Maybe we'll hear some butt wind.

That would be cool.

Shut up, Beavis.

You're beginning to piss me off.

They need to learn how to hold the damn camera still.

Yeah, really.

I'm sick of videos.

It's like, they have like, all this fast camera crap.

And then it's like, they show some-- Whoa! Look what those chicks are doing!

Where? Where?

Where, Butt-Head?

It's gone now, Beavis. You missed it.

Maybe they'll show it again. That would be cool.

It looked cool.

But it's like...

if they'd show that, like, the whole time, then it would be pretty cool.

It's like, why don't they just, like,

take the good part of the video and then, like,

- make it longer. - Whoa! Look at that!

It's two chicks making out! Look!

- They must be, like... - Waitwaitwait, is she naked?

This video is turning out to be very cool!

They must be, like, some of those "libyans".

Libyans are cool!

That was cool.

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