Original subtitles

Good evening and thank you very much.

Thank you so much. Thanks. Now...

We start tonight with a letter.

"Dear Top Gear, why oh why don't you feature more cars aimed at ordinary people like me?

"Yours sincerely, Mr R Abramovich of Chelsea."

LAUGHTER Well, Mr Abramovich, our man of the people, James May,

was only too happy to oblige.

Perhaps this is what he's on about.

No, not the gin palace.

This.

The new Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead.

As I'm sure you know, on Top Gear if a car spends too long sitting on the deck of an aircraft carrier,

it eventually gets launched off the ramp thing down at the end.

And this definitely isn't going to fly because it weighs 2.6 tonnes.

So, let's be on our way.

This really isn't the sort of car you want to drop in the ocean.

Largely because it costs £307,000.

That's £50,000 more than the Rolls-Royce Phantom Saloon

which we tested a few years ago, and which, I have to say,

we liked rather a lot.

So, what are you paying the extra for, aside from the drop-top?

Well, you certainly get a lot more metal-working

because, to keep the Drophead's body rigid, Rolls gave it to their adoptive parents at BMW

who added another 460 feet of welding.

And they did that at their Centre For Aluminium Competence.

I'm not making that up. That IS what it's called.

They're Germans.

Otherwise, it has the same 6.75 litre engine as the Phantom,

the same top speed and the same 0-60 time.

So, the mechanicals are the same. But the image - very different.

The Saloon is the sort of car that you could hide in.

You can sit in the back behind the tinted glass and just pretend

to be selling Russian gas or whatever on your laptop.

But with the Drophead, it will be YOU who's doing the driving.

You don't really want to ride in the back of this car, unless you're the Queen of England or Elton John.

Which is the same thing, really.

So, you'll be sitting up front for all the world to see

in a car that's hardly discreet, and this is why I'm driving it around town at night -

because the producer thought I'd be too embarrassed in daylight.

But why would I be embarrassed?

If this was truly vulgar, maybe, but it isn't.

It's exquisite.

This lot don't do carbon fibre

but they will let you have this teak decking at the back,

like you might find on a motor launch.

And they will also let you have the bonnet

finished in brushed stainless steel.

And other car manufacturers are currently spending

millions of pounds on research into hydrogen fuel cells and hybrid drive

but Rolls-Royce spends the same money

in its ashtray design department.

Look at that!

Furthermore, you won't be overwhelmed by all the flashing lights and gizmos and gadgets

that you'd find in a BMW 7 Series or a Maybach.

I don't have ten different settings for the ride firmness,

I don't have five different speeds

at which the interior lights switch off when I close the door.

It's more like a butler, this car.

It just sort of takes care of everything for you

and you don't even notice.

Like the Phantom Saloon, the Drophead doesn't follow the herd.

It has its own ideas about what a luxury car should be.

You can't order a sports pack or a flappy-panelled gearbox

but you CAN choose from 44,000 shades of paint.

You know that teak decking? When you take the car for a service

a man in an apron oils it for you, like you might your favourite cricket bat.

And when it rains, yes, you call on an old-fashioned soft-top,

instead of some trendy, folding, metal origami.

But that soft-top is lined with cashmere.

And yet, for all its teak and stainless steel and cashmere,

the Drophead just doesn't come across as brash or in-your-face.

I like to think you could leave it in the rougher parts of town

and no-one would hurt it.

Yo! Oh, I love you!

Let's not try it out, though, eh?

This is without doubt a proper Rolls-Royce.

Wonderful to drive, beautifully made.

But there's something else.

Here's an amazing thing. Rolls-Royce is the most established marque in the history of motoring.

It has the most pompous radiator grille.

It has the most ridiculous mascot.

And yet this car's very, very cool.

I think this might be the coolest car in the world.

It's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is a very busy man.

So busy, that the only hole we could find in his diary was two weeks ago,

so we interviewed him then, and then we thought we'd slide it into tonight's programme

and nobody would be any the wiser.

I've had my hair cut to match. I am wearing roughly the same clothes. We're in the same building.

It was all very ambitious, but as is so often the way with Top Gear,

I am afraid it hasn't quite worked,

because, if you watch very carefully,

this poppy is about to magically disappear.

Ladies and gentleman, from the past, Simon Cowell.

Welcome back.

How are you? How are you? Very good. Thank you. Have a seat.

Not your first visit, of course.

I was here, was it four years ago? Yes, when we had the Suzuki Liana.

We've moved on now. Oh, you've really moved up in the world.

Absolutely. And so have you.

Because then it was Pop Idol, wasn't it? Yes, second Pop Idol.

And since then you've got American Inventor, British Inventor.

American Idol, X Factor.

How many more opportunities are there for you to get money from phone lines...

..where people vote on things?

We only do the phone lines so the audience can vote, so we're giving something back to the audience.

You can do an illegal immigrant one. A what? Where people compete

for a British passport.

Are you seriously pitching me this idea?

I am thinking I might do it. It's such a good idea.

It's fantastic. It's yours.

I mean, I just have ideas all the time. OK, they're not very good.

What, and X Factor is?

Yeah. Yes.

Why are they clapping?

Come on, fair's fair.

This is your audience, isn't it? I can really tell that.

We've got to help a poor, struggling programme like X Factor, cos you've nearly got as many viewers as us.

No, we get more than you.

Sorry, ours is a better programme. No, it's not.

You reckon there are similarities between Top Gear and X Factor.

The panel are similar. I can see similarities in the panel.

James is Louis.

In so many ways.

In so much as he hasn't got a massive ego, doesn't really care too much about being on TV.

Mm-hm. Little bit grey.

Richard is Dannii.

Small but cute.

And you are...sort of me.

Without the knowledge.

And I really do mean that, by the way.

I tell you why I say that.

Anyone in this audience could do what you do,

which is sit in a car and go, "I like it. I don't like it."

You've never made a car.

I talk about music, but I have actually made it happen.

That's right. You did The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Doesn't matter. Zig And Zag. Very good. Leona. Excellent.

Yes, top of the charts. Oh, wait, we haven't heard a word from her.

Jeremy, in case you haven't been watching the charts,

she is number one in the charts this week. She's beaten Take That and Britney Spears.

She's selling hundreds of thousands of copies of records. Beating who?

Everyone.

Take That? Britney Spears.

Wow.

You are being so obnoxious.

You are call me obnoxious?! Yes! Yes!

I am staggered.

Anyway, my point is that the similarity is

that we are both quite outspoken, but I am the one with the actual knowledge.

I'm sorry, mate. I'm...

We touched on this last time you were here, about musical taste. Mm.

Yours is terrible.

It's not actually. Could I be a judge on X Factor?

Shall I tell you why you couldn't? Why?

Because I am ageing quite well and you are not.

And I thought about you the other day. I was reading one of your reviews

about a Jaguar, about how Jaguars have to update themselves over the years.

Mmm.

And you are the equivalent of a Jaguar who needs help.

In other words, you know how you do a facelift on the new Jag...

Oh, I can't do a facelift...

No, you do, you need Botox, you need a facelift.

Just have half an eye done, or something.

I look in the mirror, and just go,

"No, I'm falling to pieces, and I don't care."

No, I don't think that. You care?

I think I look good.

You DO look good, but... I know I do, and we're the same age...

And I don't care! You must do. Should I care about it?

AUDIENCE: No!

That's why you couldn't come on my show.

And the other reason is, I'd just sit, going, "No...no...no..."

Yeah, the second reason is, you'd be funnier than me.

That's why you'll never come on. How's America? Is it going well?

I like it there. I've been there five years. It's fun.

And you live there? I live there. I live there for half the year now.

So you've got to split your cars, America and the UK. Yeah. Yes.

So come on, then, what have you bought?

In England, I have an Audi, the new Audi. The R8? Right.

That is brilliant, isn't it?

Well, it's very interesting. I was driving the car the other day,

and I was thinking about what you said on the show,

about it being better than a Porsche.

Mmm. And I was thinking, "Why is it better than a Porsche?"

The reason it's better than a Porsche is that people like you in it.

I promise you, at that split second, someone overtook me,

put their hand out the window, and went, "Tosser!"

At exactly that moment! Perhaps telling you to put your seatbelt on.

That's all it was. Just put your seatbelt on.

Um... No, it's a good car, and then, on your recommendation,

I bought a Lamborghini Gallardo, whatever you call it. Spyder.

Spyder. Mmm. Um...which is completely pointless,

because, and I'll tell you why.

When you're driving it around the track here, it's fantastic.

Driving it in London, it's impossible. Why?

You can't do more than ten miles an hour in this car.

It's like Naomi Campbell phoning you up, going out for dinner,

ending up in a hotel room,

and she's then telling you that she's a lesbian.

It's sort of pointless. Wouldn't mind that!

Meet her friend, let's be having a look!

Yes, actually.

It's kind of pointless... Why?

Because you can't drive these things properly.

What CAN you drive in London that you derive enjoyment from?

That's my point - nothing. You've still got the Rolls Royces? Yes.

One there, one here? Thanks to Fifth Gear, who recommended it.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

I like Westlife!

LAUGHTER

One of Louis's, isn't it? No, one of mine, actually.

BEEP BEEP!

Aren't they the Irish ones?

He manages them... OK.

..and they're signed to my record label. OK.

Who isn't signed to your record label?

The Spice Girls.

I like them!

LAUGHTER

I want to hear about my lap. Really? Yeah.

Oh, all right then. Are you a competitive man?

Yes. The last time you came here... I won.

You went to the top of the chart. Absolutely.

And then you were knocked off by Jimmy Carr, wasn't it?

Who I saw, like, weeks after,

who was horribly patronising about the whole thing.

So today's the day, you've come back to see if you can get to the top...

Yes. ..of the board. That's why I'm here.

How did it go?

I don't think it went as well as last time. Who'd like to see it?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Play the tape.

BRAKES SQUEAL

OK. Here we go.

What did you think of the car? Terrible.

That was seriously the worst car I've ever driven.

That's good and aggressive through there.

Great(!)

A little bit of wheel spin through there.

And into the Hammerhead, nicely done so far. That's pretty good.

Is that good? Yeah, very good. Right, now, flat from now on.

Here we go.

Flat. Yeah.

And still flat. That's how you do it, Jeremy.

I know! I drive round there all the time. I know. Look at this.

Casual, relaxed, coming up to the second to last corner.

Whoa! Here we go, and across the line!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not bad!

Well, there it is.

Where do you reckon? As long as I'm higher than Hugh Grant... Hugh Grant.

1.47.7. Yeah, you're faster than that. Well, just tell me. No, no.

Do you think you beat Gordon Ramsey, who was seriously quick?

What did he do? He did a 1.46.3.

Close. You reckon close? Yeah. You were, actually, very close,

because you did it in one minute 45!

You're there. You're there!

Been waiting for the day!

That's fantastic!

And Gordon Ramsey has just committed suicide. Wow.

To be fair to Gordon Ramsey, he's fat,

so that's worth at least two seconds. That is amazing. That was, actually.

You really do have a knack for it.

The Stig said you have got a knack.

The cameramen said they'd never seen consistency like it in the practice laps.

You should never listen to what you're being told,

because it's like riding a bicycle. If someone tells you how to do it,

you start thinking about too many things,

so you've just got to get yourself round,

but I'm genuinely thrilled. I'm glad I came.

I'm very glad, cos I was getting bored with having a Scot

not only in Number Ten, but also at the top of our leaderboard!

Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Cowell!

I'm so happy. Well done.

Bad news.

Jeremy was summoned to the producer's office this week,

and told no more supercars on our test track for this series.

He was most insistent.

He had said we'd had too many and it was time Jeremy went out

and reviewed a proper family car, so here we go.

This is a Daihatsu Materia.

It's a small and easy-to-park five-door hatchback.

What I thought I'd do is compare it to a rival, a competitor product of some sort.

The producer liked that idea very much, so what I've done is brought along this.

It's the Ascari A10, a carbon-fibre power-house

with a five-litre V8 from an old BMW M5 in the back.

I think it's better looking than the Daihatsu...

And, with 625 horse-power on tap, it's also much louder.

Quicker too.

In fact, it's quicker than almost anything.

It is insanely fast.

Put your foot down, and instantly you're somewhere else.

Very, very far away from where you were.

0 to 60 takes 2.8 seconds.

Flat out, you'll be doing 215mph

and sign language for the rest of your life because you'll be deaf.

SILENCE

Of course, you might imagine that because it was conceived by a Dutch billionaire

and built on an industrial estate in Banbury, that it's all a bit half-cocked.

And sure, the interior is as luxurious and as well-finished as an Army Land Rover,

but the way this thing drives beggars belief.

It's funny because it's not a heavy car.

It doesn't weigh much more than a family hatchback, but it feels like it's running on coal.

It feels like it's from the Industrial Revolution.

It feels like I should really be sitting here

with a dirty face and a Davy lamp.

I just love this sequential gearbox.

It's as manly as Lawrence Dallaglio's jockstrap!

And then there's the steering, which is even better.

Because it's so good and so perfectly weighted,

you have the confidence

to take this car by the wedding veg...

..and go absolutely berserk.

Whoa!

It's a staggering car, this.

Like a Koenigsegg, only a million times more manageable.

But how does it compare to the Daihatsu Materia?

Well, in a number of crucial areas, not well.

The Daihatsu has a CD autochanger, an air bag, five seats and a big boot.

The Ascari has none of these things.

You can't even understand the dashboard.

What's more, the Daihatsu is £339,000 cheaper than the A10,

and much more economical.

And then there's the cornering.

It's a cold November day, but, trust me, I'm sweating in here now.

No anti-lock brakes.

No traction control. The only thing keeping this pointing in the right direction is me.

Whoops!

Now look at this!

Note how the Daihatsu gets round the same corner without crashing once,

and, what's more, in a straight line at 85mph, it'll easily overtake the Ascari when it's doing 70.

Choosing between these two then is not easy.

Certainly the Daihatsu is very good,

but I think, on balance, I'd choose the big, yellow, shouty car instead.

You were supposed to test a family car. I did.

Yes, and look at this chart. The Daihatsu is considerably cheaper, it's insurance group 8, not 20.

46 miles per gallon, not 9.

More doors, more seats.

Look at this! The Ascari doesn't even have inertia reel seatbelts.

I hear what you say, but the Ascari is much faster,

and we're going to find out exactly HOW fast by handing it over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east...

..and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury

because his teddy is called the Baby Jesus.

All we know is he's called The Stig.

ENGINE ROARS And he's off! Nice clean start there, but listen to that noise.

It's like Victorian Manchester is trying to escape from the exhaust.

OK now, unleashing fury through there.

Looking remarkably tidy.

Mild drift maybe at the end.

Ooh, now, no Stig audio nonsense this week because the Ascari has no stereo.

Anyway, you wouldn't hear it over the sound of men in stove-pipe hats, furiously smelting. Hammerhead...

This catches out some mid-engine cars,

but not this one. Look at that!

The supersonic steam train is off!

Now a chance to really open up that BMW engine. I say BMW.

Actually it feels more like it was made by James Watt. That is fast.

Now, two corners left. This could be a seriously good time.

Just look how controlled it is through there.

Now coming through Gambon.

Again controlled, and across the line.

Now, because this has a hydraulic lifting nose,

which we can see here, it is able to get over speed bumps

and that means it is a road car and that means it can go on our board.

Can it beat the Koenigsegg, which is a, what? 1.17.6.

This did it in 1.17.3.

APPLAUSE It's the new lap record holder!

The fastest car EVER to go round our track.

It's time to meet our guest.

Now our star tonight is quite simply a legend in English rugby

and soon he'll be swinging low in our reasonably priced sweet chariot.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lawrence Dallaglio! APPLAUSE

Hello, mate. Nice to see you. Good man,

have a seat. Thank you. Whoops.

First of all, hearty congratulations on winning the World Cup.

What do you mean?

You beat Australia, and that for me was the World Cup.

Watching that lot go home empty-handed.

Wasn't that for you just the happiest thing, watching that lot lose?

We beat them in the final four years ago which was fantastic.

We were lucky enough to get another crack. And beat them again. Beat them again.

I've got to ask, is it very heartening, because the last World Cup, you were coming on,

sort of 20 minutes to go... is it very heartening - there is always a huge cheer from the crowd.

Does that sort of...?

Lawrence is here now, and we're going to be all right.

Where does it come from? Why are you such an icon in the rugby team, do you think?

It's very kind of you to say. I don't know.

I think we play a very tough game.

We play a game where you put your body and soul on the line, and you're just normal guys.

You go and have pint with people afterwards and shake their hand and say hello, really.

So, I think people agree with that.

Yeah. I watch rugby. I am fanatical.

The only problem I have is when I am watching it, I'm

offering all sorts of advice to the ref and the team and I don't know anything about it.

LAUGHTER Really, I know nothing.

Funny you should say that because when I first took up rugby...

I started at eight, but when I got to to about 13 I got quite serious about it.

I phoned my dad, who's Italian and didn't know anything about rugby - even less than you.

I said, "Dad I am really getting into this game, rugby."

So, bless him, the next time I got home I saw this book on the table,

The Laws of Rugby Union, and it had his little half-moon glasses on the top.

I said, "Dad, it's a waste of time reading that.

"I have played three games. There don't appear to be any laws whatsoever!"

So, when were you first punched in the face in rugby?

At the age of 17, 18, you're thrown into club rugby and you're playing

against a guy like Dean Richards, for instance, who is a lot older than you and a lot bigger.

I remember the first time I played against him...

I was looking up at the ball and he punched me straight in the nose, and it hurt.

He just thought, "I'll punch the new boy?" Absolutely.

To which my captain said, "You have to give him one back."

I was going, "That's Dean Richards. I've been watching him for years on TV. I can't do that."

He said, "Well, it's only two minutes into the game.

"There's going to be a lot more if you don't do it."

So, I had a go. I have to say his punch was a lot better than mine.

Then, after the match, how does it work after he's punched you in the face and you've punched him?

I sort of went, "Dean, thanks very much.

"It was a real pleasure to play against you."

In the scrum, obviously, you all get in there. You're at the back of it.

So, you've got a good view -

unlike us. What is going on in there?

LAUGHTER

There must be quite a lot of...

And squeezing the...

Well, maybe when you play the French, yeah, but...

"Oh, yez, that's very nize!" I mean football... What's that prat called?

The one in Manchester United - what's he called?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Him. Ronaldo. He falls over every time someone goes near his hair!

"Waaah!" OK, If you're in that much pain,

I would run on, humane kill, boof, bullet in his head.

They are a bunch of nancy boys, aren't they, footballers? Let's be honest.

We call it the Andrex Premiership actually because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to use that myself - as though I thought of it!

Now, I went to the final, as I was saying, in Paris this year.

I have never felt an atmosphere quite like a Rugby World Cup final.

What must it be like on the pitch? I mean, what it... well, you'll tell me.

It's amazing. It's the games that you live for.

You describe it as gladiatorial.

It is. The whole atmosphere, the whole arena you're in, people are watching you play.

It's that war of attrition as well.

You go out there, and you feed off the atmosphere.

You feed off the crowd, and, you know,

it's two teams going at each other. So, no. It's tribal really, rugby, in many ways. Exactly.

Now, you never really took rugby massively seriously, did you, as a child or even as a teenager?

You were actually a singer, a choral singer, before becoming...

We went to a school where I was involved in a choir.

We were lucky enough to perform in Evita in the West End

two or three nights a week, and we got involved with Tina Turner, We Don't Need Another Hero.

You sang on that? Backing vocals. Did you know that? No.

Your whole family seems to me to be a very talented family.

Your sister, after four lessons, was accepted by the Royal Ballet School, wasn't she? She was.

I never felt I was born to play rugby.

I worked very hard at getting better at it, whereas I felt my sister was born to dance.

She was an incredible dancer. Sadly died in the Marchioness tragedy.

Incredibly dedicated. Her dedication became quite an inspiration for me because when she died I thought,

"Right, I have actually got to do something now",

and rugby became my focus and hopefully I felt if I could be half

the player she was a dancer, it would help me.

You were supposed to have gone to the Marchioness, the riverboat that sank on the...

Yeah, I was, and obviously there is times in your life where you think "What if?

"If only I'd have gone, what could I have done?"

But I think you just have to look back at the wonderful years I spent with her.

How many people died? 51. 51, yeah.

It was a terrible tragedy, awful.

OK. Cars...

We must discuss them, obviously.

Are you a car enthusiast?

Um, yes, to a point. I mean, I am.

What do you have? Well, I drive a Range Rover, actually.

Well... I presume you have to choose a car on the basis, not of

power or performance but what you can actually get in.

That would help. I always grew up wanting to have a classic car, and I...

when I eventually got a job and earned some money, I saved up enough money to buy a TR-6.

Beautiful midnight blue.

I went into the showroom, had the money and couldn't fit into it.

That was my classic car dream gone.

It's all width with you, isn't it? Absolutely.

I have a little clip of Lawrence being introduced for the first time to the Lacetti.

Let's have a look at this.

Here he is getting in.

Shall I go in head first?

You see, it's a bucket seat in there, like a racing seat.

And you've got to be quite slim to... And you're not.

I was genuinely worried at that point. This is not going to work!

I'll have to drive with the door open.

Luckily, however, we have another Lacetti with a wider seat in it.

Absolutely. Who would like to see the lap when we finally got him in a car and set him off?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Yes? Here we go.

Let's play the tape.

That's my match face.

There's the first corner.

That's pretty much bang on what the Stig says is the fastest line through there.

Screechy, wasn't it?

That's pretty much...

Yeah, that's very good.

Do what Stig told you. Brake. Turn left, then turn right.

TYRES SCREECH

Well, kept it between the lines, so that's good.

You're not wasting time. Never mind international rugby.

This is a dog's bollocks.

Watch out, Lewis Hamilton. Here we go.

What did he say here? Something like that. Yeah, I think he would have said something like that.

Here we go, second to last corner. Nice.

Cutting the corner beautifully. Just about holding it together...

Coming into Gambon. Very fast there... Whey!

APPLAUSE

There's your board. Where do you reckon?

God, somewhere respectable is where I would like... "Respectable."

Well, you did it in one minute 40...

Could hear a pin drop.

..7.4, ladies and gentlemen, you are right...here.

That is a good time.

And quicker... No, actually, there is one point about that time I've just thought of.

How much do you weigh?

About 18 stone, something like that, 18 and a bit, probably two Ronnie Woods.

I reckon if you lost a bit of weight and you weighed like Simon Cowell,

you could get your trousers right up here,

I reckon you'd probably... D'you know what the Stig honestly said?

If you didn't weigh so much, you would've been first.

It's been an absolute joy having you here. It really has. Ladies and gentlemen, Lawrence Dallaglio!

APPLAUSE

And now, it is time for one of our epic races.

You know the sort of thing,

where a Bugatti races across the Alps against a Truffle,

or a McLaren Mercedes races a powerboat to Oslo.

Oh, yes, and this one isn't that big, to be honest,

but it IS more relevant, because it's a race to find out

what is the quickest way to cross a busy city -

car, bicycle, public transport, whatever.

We've chosen London. We start from Kew Bridge -

the most westerly point of the North Circular,

which, if you live in Nepal, or Coventry,

is a sort of ring road around London,

and we then finish up over here, at London's City Airport,

which is at the most easterly point of the North Circular.

So that is a race right across the centre

of one of the most congested cities in the world.

Now, to make sure that we aren't accused of bias towards the car,

it will be driven by the slowest man in the world.

A man with no known sense of direction.

Him.

To make it even less fair, the car they've given me is not a Smart car,

or my Fiat Panda, or anything sensible like that. It's this.

The new Mercedes GL. It's 17 feet long,

it's about six and a half feet wide, it weighs two and a half tons.

It is the Chelsea-ist of all the Chelsea tractors.

And I shall attempt to beat him on this.

It's a specialised series limited,

a carbon fibre super-lightweight bicycle.

It's built on a five-piece construction,

with a body geometry saddle.

It's got carbon fibre cranks, air carbon fibre handlebars,

carbon fibre brake levers,

and it's even got its own unique gel-based suspension system,

so it can cope with the bumps of London.

It's £1,700. It is quite expensive, yes.

Anyway, this isn't just a race between a car and a bike,

cos we need to see how public transport will fare,

so we need a third person.

Someone who's never been on a train or a bus.

Someone who doesn't know the misery.

Thankfully, we have just such a person.

Now, as we race across London in the car and on the bike,

he will catch a bus around the corner,

then he will get an underground train to Monument station,

and from there, he will get on the Docklands Light Railway,

which takes him to the airport. Are we ready?

Yes! Ready?

Let's go. Excellent. Oh, hang on!

Hang on! There is a fourth way.

Oh, God.

Don't tell me, a jet pack.

No. Harrier jump jet? No. Plasma-powered horse. No.

I've got a boat. How will you get a boat up Knightsbridge?

I'm not. The river Thames is just up there,

it goes all the way to the airport.

Like a blue motorway.

So, you are going to row up the Thames, doing one mile an hour.

It's got an engine.

All we know is this, Hammond. It's 8.32. Yes. On a Monday morning.

Yeah. Peak rush hour. I'd call the weather today...close. Humid.

Sweaty. Yes.

RICHARD PRETENDS TO CRY

So we genuinely have no idea who's going to win this. I am.

You're not. I know full well... You're not. I am!

Are we ready? Yes. We're going to find out.

Three, two... Hang on, he's jumping the gun! Go, now!

OK. No rush!

I'm gonna cream it!

See you, Hammond.

That's the last time you're in the lead!

So what I've got is a gentle walk to the river, on the boat,

through the city, it's a lovely day.

See you, mate!

Hammond shot past the traffic on Kew Bridge.

I honestly think I can win this one.

Captain Slow was also full of hope. This is a car.

This is a car programme. I know you want the car to win.

I want the car to win. I shall not let you down.

I have a rough idea where I'm going,

I know the river's on my right... no, it's on the right.

Sadly, though, both of them were going to be disappointed.

Let's go!

OK, what I've got here is a £52,000 Cougar sport racing boat.

It's got a three and a half litre V-Tech Honda engine on the back,

225 brake horsepower. Top speed - 75 miles an hour.

Unfortunately, on this part of the river, sort of Chiswick,

there are many herons and otters,

so I'm limited to nine miles an hour, ish.

The speed limit is enforced all the way to Wandsworth Bridge,

but from there, the Thames has no speed limit at all.

Bye! Bye! Good luck on the bus!

Meanwhile, the Stig saw a huge red car approaching,

and he got on it using something called an Oyster card,

which is useful if you have no understanding of money.

I'm in a bus lane, which is good, I can use them.

However, the other thing that uses them - buses.

The Monday morning rush hour was slowing James.

But I couldn't open up the big lead I'd hoped for,

for one simple reason.

I've got to wait at the lights, I'm on telly.

I always wait at the lights.

Hello. Oh!

With the car pottering along nicely,

I decided to see if Hammond was as comfortable as me.

PHONE RINGS

TRAFFIC NOISES ON PHONE

Hammond?

'Hello?' Hammond?

Now, here's one of the big problems that you have on the river,

which is the rowers,

who reserve a special kind of hatred for people with engines on their boats.

They are the cyclists of the waterway, the Hammonds.

Do you want a lift?

See, she hates me.

Change, change, I'm bloody cycling, it's hard work!

You can go faster, cos you've got bandy legs.

I can't go faster! I haven't got bandy legs!

It was time for the Stig to get out of the big red car.

'Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your belongings with you.'

Since I was stuck at nine, and almost certainly last,

I decided to revive the ancient art of using a telephone while driving.

MOBILE RINGS

'James!' Hello, Captain Clarkson.

Where are you? Hammersmith... Yeah, Hammersmith Broadway.

No way.

'Where's Hammond?' I tried to ring him,

but it sounded like his face was rubbing along the road,

so he may have had it already.

James, I have to beat you,

but I want you to win with that car. Don't get lost.

To make sure I didn't get lost, I was using the sat nav.

'Keep left, then keep right.' I know.

I'm keeping right. I knew that. I was already keeping right.

'Please keep left in 100 yards.'

Exactly, you go down there towards...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

My phone's going. Hello? 'Hammond?'

How's it going, mate?

Oh, no!

No!

Oh, that was the sound of a skull under a bus's Pirelli!

Right, time to ring the Stig.

See how he's getting on.

We'd given him a phone, but, er...

MOBILE RINGS

MOBILE CONTINUES TO RING

MOBILE CONTINUES TO RING

After 25 minutes, this is how things stood.

Hammond was alive, and in the lead.

May was breathing down his neck in second,

the Stig was third, and I was going in the wrong direction,

on one of the river's endless and annoying meanders.

I have to make every mile an hour count because my average speed

is so low.

Don't pull out, don't pull out, don't pull out!

I hate buses!

Stinking, horrible things.

Go. Bit of Christian motoring there, that man wanted to pull out.

Let him pull out. What comes around goes around.

He who is last shall be first. Oi! Chuffing...

bus-driving, bullying Nazi!

Why don't you just wait and give your passengers a better ride?

'The next station is Stamford Brook.'

The Stig, now in an underground car, have noticed that everyone was doing the same thing.

This has to be the most...

stress-free and relaxing Monday morning rush hour commute

since the dawn of civilisation.

Oh, not another set of sodding lights!

Oh, bloody hell!

Have a nice walk. Enjoy yourselves!

I knew May was getting stuck at the lights too,

but getting up to speed again didn't wear him out.

Not that he could get up to any sort of speed in the first place!

Now, I'd never try to ban people from having cars like this cos that would be like Communism really,

but I really don't understand why anybody would have something like this for driving around town

because it's so big and unnecessary.

It's more than six feet wide, it's almost six and a half feet wide,

and that's what makes a difference.

That door is half the width of that whole scooter!

Meanwhile, the Stig was plainly bemused by a strange new world.

No! No! You filthy, foul-stinking...!

DIALLING TONE

'Hammond?'

VOICE DISTORTED BY TRAFFIC

Oh, you stinking, evil BLEEP!

..foul-reeking, hell-making...!

Hammond's stopped swearing long enough to answer the phone. Hello?

'Hello. Yeah, what?'

'I'm just coming up to the Albert Hall. I wondered how you were doing?'

You're just behind me. I'm stuck at the lights AGAIN! Ooh, right.

I'll give you a friendly peep as I go past! I'll kick the crap out of your car if you do!

35 minutes into the race and Richard was still in the lead.

James was still on his tail, the Stig was still in a tunnel

and I was still following a path forged by nature at nine.

But I wasn't worried at all.

Hammond, by now, will just be bathed in sweat.

HE GRUNTS

He is smelly. People will vomit when they go near him.

James, of course, he'll end up in Huddersfield perhaps,

Pontefract, who knows?

Not the City Airport. Er...

Stig, don't know, might think he's a Brazilian electrician!

And then me, having a lovely time, and I'm going to win!

HE GRUNTS

I was now scything down Piccadilly,

and joy of joys, the traffic was horrible.

CAR HORNS

As it turned out, jams were the least of my problems. SIREN BLARES

Oh, crikey, it's the Rozzers! SIREN CONTINUES

The police only wanted to check the permit for our camera car, but it still cost me valuable time.

So, on the basis that...

stopping here I've lost about three or four minutes in the race,

and that sort of corrupts the result,

can we just do four minutes of blues and twos and I'll follow you?

I can give you a 50/90 to say that I've stopped you,

and then you can submit that to your superiors as a record of me stopping you. What?!

I was pulling further ahead.

Trafalgar Square, left! Right...this is where I need to be.

Cycle lane - one, two, three metres of it, and then I'm back under that bus!

With Plod of my back,

I now had to pay Ken Livingstone for permission to sit in his jams.

HE PRESSES PHONE BUTTON

'I'm sorry. That was an incorrect connection. HE PRESSES PHONE BUTTON

Hello. I need to pay the congestion charge for London.

'OK. Can I have vehicle number, please? Er, I don't know.

Erm... Er...

SCI-FI MUSIC

50... 56, hotel, foxtrot, zulu.

'And is that a Mercedes GL 500 in silver?' How did you know that?!

It's actually a 5.5 litre, but they call it a 500 cos they're a bit embarrassed about it! 'Oh!'

With James stuck in the traffic around Piccadilly and Trafalgar Square,

I had to seize the moment and push.

OK, there's the river.

That's 24 miles an hour showing. I've got to keep that up.

Head down, I've got to just go.

DIALLING TONE

Hammond? Hello?

Where are you? I'm on the river, I've just got onto Embankment.

Where are you? I'm just going past Fulham Football Club.

This was bad news.

Jeremy was now only about a minute or so from Wandsworth Bridge where he could put his foot down.

So although the car was imprisoned by the traffic, the boat was coming into play,

and Stig was closing in too.

'Please mind the gap between the train and the platform.'

I've got 19 miles an hour showing on the little speedo here.

I've got to keep that up. I feel sick!

Here we go - Wandsworth Bridge!

Yes!

OK, Hammond and May, live with this!

JAMES BOND THEME TUNE PLAYS

That's the Embankment. Where's May?

At this point, Richard was just eight miles from the airport.

I had 17 miles to cover, but I was going an awful lot faster!

The Stig was catching Hammond too, and even worse news for the one in shorts,

James had cleared the traffic.

Here we go!

HE GRUNTS

Got to beat Jeremy and cannot be beaten by James!

Battersea Power Station, ladies and gentlemen, to your right!

Coming up to Millbank now, headquarters of the Labour Party.

They won't like this very much. Ha, ha!

I don't like this car to be honest. It's not my kind of thing, but...

a car is nevertheless the right way to do this. I've got it just set to 20 degrees,

bit of Radio Three...

Yeah, pull out on me, why not? That's what I'm there for!

The Stig in a close second was now making his final train change.

'Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your belongings with you at all times

'and report any unattended items or suspicious behaviour to a member of staff

'or a police officer...' SCI-FI MUSIC

Hello, officers!

I just went past the police at 45 miles an hour!

Annoyingly, I couldn't fully open the taps because weirdly,

I had traffic problems.

Look at it, just endless tourists!

Come on!

I've gotta get my speed up!

This train's ready to...

King George V via London City Airport. BEEPING

HE GRUNTS AND PANTS

20, 25, 20!

18...

So frustrating!

Where is Jeremy on his boat? Where, where, where?

Tower Bridge!

Going through!

As the river widened, I became the fastest-moving man in all of London.

We're mucking on now. Coming up to 50 miles an hour.

How could we lose now?! It simply is not possible.

Yeah! Yeah!

At this stage, James was last and the Stig was still several stops away from the airport,

so it was becoming a two-horse race.

The bends in the river had made my journey seven miles longer,

but I was now doing a whopping 70 miles an hour!

Hammond was probably feeling quite good about his chances.

Well, I'm sorry, mate, but they're gone now. Thank God!

Bloody lights!

Bloody BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP lights! BLEEP hate them!

London VTS, London VTS,

this is Jeremy requesting permission to go through the barrier at speed.

'Proceeding through the barrier. Take Charlie's fan in-between the green arrows.'

Sorry!

Somewhere around here there's an airport, and I've gotta go report at it.

City Airport, there it is!

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

I'm here, I've arrived!

Coming through!

Unfortunately, a gentleman on a bike has checked in already!

What?! A gentleman on a bike has checked in already.

Hammond? Yes.

I'm better than you!

How the hell did you do that?! It's easier on a push-bike, you don't get stuck... You've ruined Top Gear!

Well... It's the last ever show. I've bent it a bit!

Hang on, you're saying I've ruined Top Gear because I won on a bicycle? Yes. Yes.

You came second in a BOAT! Between us, we've ruined...

We've ruined Top Gear!

We sat down to see if Top Gear could be salvaged.

Just so long as the car beats public transport. What if the car that we've got...? That's a good point.

What if the car loses to public...? We need for public transport to come stone dead last.

We soon got an answer. Here comes...

Oh, no! Did you go on a Tube?

Underground? Did it go dark, flashing lights?

Did you go on a train? Were there other people?

HE MOANS

What he's just done is he's gone slower than a boat and a bicycle.

That'll just be going "Zzzz"! Inside, there's all numbers.

There'll be a bit of smoke coming out the top in a minute, keep watching!

15 minutes after the Stig, James arrived.

Thank you, James. What have you done?!

The car, as an entity... Ruined.

..lies smashed and broken in front of us because of you.

He'd beat you on public transport.

We're ruined.

Can I clear something up? It's just confusing me here because you lost about

four minutes with that policeman business, but...

watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrived 15 minutes after everyone else.

Now, if I remember rightly, when I got there, James,

you were already there and had been for ages. He was!

Do you know something else as well? I distinctly remember

my boat blew up and I was killed! Yes, yes.

You don't get that sense watching the film! Doesn't come through.

I'm glad you said that, because I remember cruising past Hammond

with his head stuck in some railings! That happened, that did happen.

Do you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have used a boat!

So, there we are. What Top Gear, which is a trusted, award-winning, factual programme, has proved...

is that despite what you've just seen in that stupid and misleading film, the car was the fastest!

And the best. Yes. And the best! Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd