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(LOW CHATTER)

-Put it in the foyer. -Right away, sir.

(FOOD BEING CHOPPED)

Ow!

Michael, you cut your finger!

-Mike, you okay? -(SCREAMING)

Get a paper towel, quick!

-Are you all right? -Ow, my finger!

-My god! -(SCREAMING)

Wilford!

Quit messing around. My guests will be here any minute, and I need you out front.

Yes, Ms. Cartier.

Sorry, Wilford. I'm just having a little fun.

Good one on me, sir.

Mikey! Nice.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mr. Cartier made me do it.

Quite.

(LAUGHING)

I'm so glad you could make it. I mean, I know this isn't your thing.

What, and miss my opportunity to create another masterpiece?

-Ooh. -That's a hell of a tux, Ryan.

You sure do know how to pull off the starving artist look.

-I kind of like the starving artist look. -Thank you.

I am so sorry we're late.

-Did we miss the toast? -No, we're still waiting on Her Highness.

-We spend half our life waiting for her. -And you spend half your

life spewing bullshit, Peter.

Hello, Desiree, it's lovely to see you.

Peter's a politician in training, Des.

What more can you expect from that shit-eating grin?

Thanks, Blaine.

-Here you go, sweetie. -So have you, uh, sampled the main course yet?

Well, it looks amazing, but I'm saving my appetite for something else.

-We still on for polo on Saturday? -Have I ever missed a match?

You have not.

(CLEARS THROAT) (TAPS GLASS)

You don't toast yourself, sweetie. We toast you.

At each one of our coming-out parties, where us sweet, young, innocent girls

are introduced into polite society

we've all taken a moment beforehand to gather together before the other guests...

(COUGHS) Old fucks.

Other guests arrive

to toast our guest of honor, celebrate our friendships

and welcome our newest edition.

Don't be a lender or a borrower.

-Peter! -Thank you, Barbie.

As I was saying, Torrance

we are so proud to host your debutant ball

and welcome you into our circle.

Which I think you will find will change your life forever.

May God help you as the devil leads the way.

ALL: Cheers.

(LAUGHING)

-What's so funny? -What happened to your mouth?

-April fools. -(LAUGHING)

-What are you laughing at? -Peter. Try to keep up, okay? Jesus.

Don't worry, sweetie. Since it's your special night, you'll be exempt from

being pranked maybe.

-(LAUGHING) -Oh.

(LOW CHATTERING)

Oh, Torrance, there is no one more deserving of this honor than...

-Fuck, can we do that again? -Yeah, ready when you are.

As sponsor of your debut, it is my honor to welcome you into our elite society.

Congratulations, Torrance. You deserve it.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I'll take one more of those. That one's done, thank you, sir.

Hey, Charles, any well wishes for the new debutant?

Yes. Torrance, in the popularity race, rehab rumors might get you the finish line

but nothing secures victory better than a good old- fashioned sex scandal.

-Isn't that right, Eltie-Poo? -Perfect.

-Also, uh... -Thanks, Charles.

Guys, we're makin' a video for Torrance, have any advice?

Yes I do, here you go. Here you go, hold that.

All right. Okay. On me.

Torrance. My dear. My wife and I would like to extend our

hearty congratulations on your coming out party, and wish you

well with all your future end...

-Uh... -How about you, Ms. Carolina?

Torrance, honey, I'm honored to call you my friend

and I look forward to sharing many happy years together.

-Great. Very sincere. -Oh yeah! Um...

-Marry rich, and don't get fat! (LAUGHS)

Endeavors. Future endeavors.

Ryan, glad to see you're living the dream.

-Guy thinks he's Hitchcock. -Who?

I happen to be working tonight, asshole.

-Some people have to earn a living. -Yeah, I earn interest.

You know what? Take a close-up of Katie here.

-Chloe! -Whatever. Isn't she beautiful?

How many times do I have to tell you? Champagne then hors d'oeuvres.

-Jesus. -Sorry.

Hey, have you seen Milan?

I think she just walked in.

Milan, you look divine!

-You look stunning, as always. -Thank you.

-Just threw myself together. -You know, this is all looking very familiar.

It's not nearly as beautiful as your ball.

But we did miss having you here for the pre-party toast.

Well, I've been working so much with my charities, I haven't had time for as much

-socializing or traditions. -Admirable.

So, are you still working with those

-retarded -Developmentally disabled children?

Yes, they're so adorable.

You know, helping others is incredibly rewarding.

Envy is an ugly shade for you, Desiree.

I don't know the meaning of the word.

Oh, and for the record, I don't partake in the type of exploits

that make Milan Hastings so popular with the boys.

You know, as someone who writes gossip for a living, I sure would appreciate

any light you could shed on these

-cries for attention, hm? -Well

-let's just say someone had to stock up on her Penicillin. -Ah.

Milan Hastings, goodie two-shoes and village bicycle.

What, you didn't know? Feel free to use that for your website.

You know, how do I know that you're not up to another one of your little tricks, hm?

Contrary to popular opinion, I actually do try to verify my sources.

-Suit yourself. -Oh, Desiree?

Gossip is a poison for which there is no antidote.

Excuse me, young man. Eltie's getting a little sleepy.

Would you mind taking him to the Woodland room for me?

Tuck him in, make yourself a drink?

My, Eltie. It's okay, baby. Yeah, he's a nice young man.

So, there we were in the Alaskan tundra on a hunting trip.

My father gave me that knife after my first kill.

See that gun?

This was my next kill.

The animal never knew what hit him.

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse us.

Blaine.

You still in for later tonight with Milan?

As long as you quit pestering me about that stupid SL550

-then yes. -It's not fair, why should you get to decide how I spend my

-money? -Because that's what father stated in our trust.

-Besides, you have a perfectly fine automobile. -My car is an eyesore.

It's a 2007, Desiree. You don't need a new Mercedes every year.

Fine, whatever. Just stick to the plan, all right?

-I'm counting on you. -Yeah.

Shouldn't be too difficult, she's been begging for it for years.

(WHISTLING) Ladies and gentlemen

please allow me the honor of presenting

at her official debut, Ms. Torrance Caldwell.

She will be escorted by her father

-Mr. Lawrence Caldwell III. -(APPLAUSE)

You know, if this wasn't a front for another one of your pranks

Mom and Dad would have been so proud.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, the future leader of your children.

-Brian. Brian, come here. -It's Ryan.

-Brian, come here. -It's Ryan.

I gotta tell you something I'm not gonna tell you.

Before I devoted myself and sacrificed myself

to getting votes and being loved by everyone

and helping people with their hearts and souls

I wanted to be a bartender like the Jerry Maguire in the cocktail.

-(DRUNK MUMBLING) -Um, could you excuse me?

I'm a badass!

Peter, people are watching. Ryan, stop. Ryan.

Hey, if that ends up on the Interweb, I will have you raped by a wizard.

-Glass of champagne. -Yeah, and that is a promise, not a threat.

Yeah? What's it worth to you, Peter?

PETER: Everything you've got, ever.

-Hey, Barbie. -Milan, it's so nice to see you.

You haven't been around much lately.

You wouldn't believe how much work the Gifted Child Foundation is.

-Really? -I can't believe my mother started it singlehandedly.

-Yes. -Oh, and congratulations on that whole Miss Carolina

thing. What an honor. You know, I didn't realize they let married ladies compete.

Well, we had just gotten engaged, so I was still eligible.

Oh, hello, Peter. How have you been? Plotting the senate yet?

The campaign is like a well-oiled machine. The campaign machine.

-Politics. -I think it's time to go.

-Ryan, how are you? -Good, how are you?

Good. So how's the whole movie thing been going?

-It's um... -It's...

I'm sorry, I just haven't seen you since...

Torrance. Torrance.

Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.

-It's okay, I'm a little distracted tonight. -It's a big night.

Yeah.

Did I tell you I got an agent? I guess those acting classes paid off.

I mean, everything's happening so quickly.

You know, this whole scene can be pretty overwhelming.

Just do yourself a favor. Don't lose yourself in their world.

What do you mean?

I mean, we've all been very fortunate. But most of them use their wealth and privilege

only to benefit themselves. They have everything they want

yet they'd do anything for a little more.

I don't know, I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Boo.

-Obsessed much? -Tan much?

She is beautiful.

-When you gonna get the nerve to ask her out? -Who's that, Milan?

-Mhm. -We're just old friends.

-It'd be weird. -Yeah, right.

Charles, why don't you jump in the pool with the girls?

Well, first of all, they aren't playing with the right equipment.

And secondly, you know I can't swim.

Oh my, you'll have to pardon me. Charles just found his dessert for the evening.

Yoo hoo! Young man, may I have a word with you?

-Yo. -Hey.

I guess this is why I rarely attend these things.

Ah, they're just blowing off steam.

From what? Deciding whether to summer in the Vineyard or Lake Cuomo?

Sorry, I just don't feel I'm part of this world anymore.

(SIGHS) Well, that's too bad

because I would love a little of you in my world.

Blaine, you never let up.

You know, I'm not one of your little debutarts.

You know, I was planning on laying on pretty thick tonight

but I have just been myself around you.

-Really? -I don't know what it is. I'm comfortable with you.

I don't have to pull any tricks, you know? You're too smart for that.

-The champagne's hitting me pretty hard. -Here.

-You all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.

-Whoa. -Whoa. Um

why don't we get you some water? Come on. Here, watch yourself.

Right this way.

Let me get you that water. Be right back.

-Here you go. -Thanks.

Absolutely. Here, I got it.

What kind of girl do you think I am, huh?

I think I have an idea.

What's that? Move it. There we go.

Once this hits the Internet, Milan is finished.

-Hey! -Sh!

I'll be goddamned, it's a wooden door. It's hardwood.

Fine. Oh, gorgeous.

-You know what, I'm gonna get something in the bathroom. -Okay.

What are you guys doing?

-Des, why do you have my camera? -Sh.

-You don't wanna see this. -Why? What the fuck is going on?

-So, you miss me? -Hold on a second.

BLAINE: Jeez, I wanted this for a long time.

-Are you all right? -I can't. I just don't... I don't feel right.

-What's wrong? What's the matter? -I just don't feel right.

RYAN: What are you guys doing? This isn't funny!

-April Fool's Day, bitch. -Hey, what's wrong?

Hey, hey! What's the matter with you? Are you all right?

She's falling backwards, get her! (YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

-Milan! -(SCREAMING)

TORRANCE: Please get up! Please!

Are you okay? Just get up, please!

Call someone!

Come on, wake up! Wake up!

What have you guys done? (SOBBING)

What have you guys done?

The terms of the trust clearly delineate that any outwards and evident citations

of questionable character and/or any illegal activity are grounds for removal.

In light of the inquiry into the death of Milan Hastings

and with the more recent allegations of sexual misconduct

involving Mr. Cartier, I have no choice but to

revoke his responsibilities as executor of the Cartier estate

and hereby designate Desiree Cartier primary beneficiary in control of the family trust.

(KNOCK)

On today's edition of Susan Moyer, we are headed to the South

where an April Fool's Day prank turns tragic.

Now this case has been dragging on for months, and joining us now via satellite

is WDBZ of the Carolinas' reporter Seaton Motley. Seaton?

-Hey, Susan. -Hello, Seaton. So this started as just your

run-of-the-mill debutant ball, is that right?

Well no, not exactly. It was hosted by the city's elite Cartier family.

-Oh, the Kennedys of the Carolinas, right? -Well, yeah.

-But someone died. -Yeah.

Died. At a ball. This is supposed to celebrate someone coming out

-not going out. -Well what came out at the hearing is

that it was all supposed to be a prank, but obviously, it turned out horribly wrong.

Yeah, very wrong.

Now, viewers, what you are about to see is not for the faint of heart.

-Hey, hey, she's falling backwards. Someone get her! -Milan!

(CRASH) (SCREAMS) Milan!

Toxicology reports that the socialite died from an adverse reaction

of a drug. I believe it was a rufie, is that right, Seaton?

-That's correct. -Now, here we have this rich kid, Blaine Cartier.

He has got a history of sexual misconduct

and no one is raising red flags here?

Alleged sexual misconduct. To be fair

these debutants started coming out of the woodwork after the story broke, so

they could be riding the media bandwagon for all we know.

That may be so. Also joining us today is gossip columnist and blog king

-Charles Lansford. -Hello, Susan.

Hello, Charles. So, you not only report on the elite

you're a member of the inner circle as well. As a matter of fact

you just finished writing a book, in a record amount of time I might add

regarding this particular case, is that right?

Thank you, yes I have. And my book is titled, Lifestyles of the Rich and Deadly

and will be available in stores across the nation on July 8th.

Well, from what I've been told, you were actually considered a coconspirator

-in this case. -Actually, the media misconstrued that...

Listen, here's what I'm trying to figure out is exactly what went wrong that night.

What started out trying to catch a couple of kids, pardon the expression

with their pants down, ended up with this young woman falling to her death.

The Cartiers were trying to embarrass Milan Hastings for quite some time.

You see, Desiree Cartier had a long-standing rivalry with her.

Susan, I want to add one more thing, too. This is not the first time that one of the

Cartiers' stunts has landed them in hot water.

We have to take a quick commercial break.

When we come back, more on the Cartier son and his dalliances...

Don't feel bad, Blaine, it happens to a lot of guys.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

-(DOG WHINING) -Milton?

Elton?

-Milton! -(DOG BARKING)

-Eltie? (WHISTLING) -(DOG BARKING)

(DOG WHIMPERING)

-Milton! -(DOG BARKING)

-Come on, smoochy bear. -(DOG CRYING)

Elton?

Elton!

-Milton! -(DOG BARKING)

Eltie?

-(DOG WHINES) (SPLASH) -Elton!

Eltie? Eltie! Swim! Swim, Eltie! Come on, boy!

Elton!

Oh, God!

What the fuck?

(SCREAMING)

-Ms. Cartier. -Jesus!

I'm sorry, Ms. Cartier, I didn't mean to frighten you.

It's fine, Wilford. I'm just having a rough morning, that's all.

-I found this at the door earlier this morning. -Thank you.

-Do you know where Blaine is? -I believe he spent the night downtown at the Cartier suite.

-Is everything all right? -Yeah, everything is fine. Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

What up, it's Blaine. Leave a message if you want. I could care less.

-Hey! -Shit! I'm sorry!

-Watch it, bitch. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

What is your problem?

Go away.

Yeah, I don't need anything, come back later.

Open the fucking door, Blaine.

(SIGHS)

It's so dark in here.

So, I got this this morning. Wanna know what it is?

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure it's just somebody trying to screw with you.

Yeah? Then they're trying to screw with you, too.

-How do they know I'm staying here? -I don't know!

-What? You think it's a joke? -Well I don't know, Des, you tell me.

-You're the expert, right? -Oh, come on.

Well, considering your track record, I don't think it's that far off from the truth.

I've spent the past year regretting what happened to Milan.

But it was an accident, and I've finally come to terms with that.

What if someone has something on us, Des?

-I can't go through another hearing. -They don't.

We didn't kill Milan.

Look, I say we just go to the gravesite and see what they want.

Hey.

Hey. How are you?

I'm okay.

I never really got a chance to say goodbye to her, you know?

Yeah, me neither.

-How are you? -I'm okay.

It still haunts me, you know?

You didn't really have anything to do with it.

It still happened at my debut.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

It's all bullshit. They don't even care that she's dead, they just care about their

reputations.

-Hey, guys. BOTH: Hey.

-So, you guys get the invitation too? -Is it just us four?

I guess not.

Well, just like old times.

-Blaine. -Peter.

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you. Desiree.

-I'm assuming we're here because of you? Ringleader? -Don't start with me, Peter.

Well, looks like there's no big surprises around the corner, so.

-If you'll excuse us. -Hold on a sec.

-You guys expecting a package? -Who's it from?

-M. Hastings? -What?

-Can I get someone to sign for it? -I'll do it.

Okay, thank you.

"Dear friends, a year has passed since my tragic death.

"I was hoping one of you would for once accept responsibility."

-What else? -"But you didn't. I know which one of you is responsible.

"The question is, are you capable of admitting it?

"If my murderer doesn't come forward, then each and every one of you will...

"will die throughout the course of this April Fool's Day.

"If you go to the police, you will die. And if you think this is some sort of prank

"please see the enclosed. All my love, Milan."

-Desiree, if this is another one of your stupid pranks... -Are you serious?

What, you think I would joke about something like this?

Well, what the hell's goin' on?

-What's that? -"The enclosed."

-It's Charles. -What is this, a joke?

No, creepier. The guy who made a fortune off our miseries is back for more.

(CHARLES SCREAMING)

-He can't swim. -(CHARLES SCREAMING)

(CHARLES SCREAMING)

-What the fuck is that? -You know what? I'm not buyin' it.

But is this his idea of a joke?

Say, everybody, it's been great catching up, but Barbie and I simply don't have time

-for this kind of...stuff anymore. So, afternoon. -Peter.

-Peter. Peter, come on, man. -We should just call the cops.

What, and have everyone laugh at us for one of Charles' dumbass pranks?

-I don't think so. I say we go to his house. -What? No, it's not safe.

Des, please. Come on, the guy's just fucking with us.

-Let's go. -Thank you.

Hey, let's try around back.

Charles!

Charles!

-Oh, my God! -Wait!

Hey!

Give me your hand! Give me your hand!

He's okay. Just calm down.

-(CRYING) -Get her out of here!

We're gonna call the cops!

(DOG BARKING)

(DOG BARKING)

(DOG BARKING)

You guys all right? I had to grab the dog, I couldn't leave him.

-Charles is dead. -No shit. Look, I say we just...

-We just need to gather our senses here and... -If the person

who killed Milan doesn't come forward, then any one of us could be next.

Ryan, slow down, all right? Who's to say any of us killed her?

And whoever this is could be bluffing, or crazy, or they could have even killed Milan.

-Look, we need to call the cops. -I don't know about you

sweetie, but if I get implicated in another fucking murder in this town

-I'm fuckin' finished. -Don't talk to her like that, okay?

Sounds to me like you're the one hiding something, Blaine.

I don't have anything to hide.

-I was with all of you guys at the damn cemetery. -Not last night, you weren't.

-And that video was obviously made at night. -I was in my suite last night.

-All night with Sarah. You can ask her. -Is that true?

Tell him, Des.

-Well, you were alone when I showed up at your hotel. -Fine.

-Where were you last night? -I was at home! Any of the servants can verify that.

-Can they? -Yes, they can, and where were you, Ryan?

-I was at my apartment doing a project. -Do you have any witnesses?

-I live alone. -Look, I can stay.

I'll call the cops and tell them that I found Charles.

I was at rehearsal last night, the casting director will say I was there.

-All night? -Yeah, the director can vouch for me.

-Good God, Torrance. -Who are you to criticize me, Desiree?

Look, guys, let's calm down. I saw we make an anonymous call from a payphone

and go on with our business. This is for the cops!

Let them find Charles' body and decide for themselves.

He's right.

-You make the call. -Thanks, Ryan.

Well I have to go cover a pageant. I can't afford to lose the fucking gig, so uh...

Barbie will be there, I'll tell her about Charles. Torrance, can I get a ride?

Look, I think there's a payphone on the corner of 5th.

-Are you sure you wanna do this? -What other choice do we have?

Peter Welling for Senate.

Peter Welling for President.

I can be an astronaut if I want to be, I can be a racecar driver...uh, come in.

That's far enough right there. What you got?

Just the new poll numbers.

-And how are they? -Not so hot.

That's fine. Uh, Stewart, you don't have to come any closer.

I thought after that pro-life rally I'd be on top.

Peter, it's April 1st.

We talked about the fact that this one-year anniversary would haunt us.

-No, I just didn't realize. -It's okay, we'll just do a little bit of spin control.

You know, we'll do a few more visits, some town hall meetings.

Hey, there's that new pediatric wing that's opening up this week.

Nah, no, that's fine, I'm not gonna do that. I don't like the smell of those.

What, hospitals?

No, the babies. I don't like the...they got the little the hands and the...

-faces. -Peter.

-Yeah? -You're gonna have to do something.

Okay? It's your first campaign. If you don't come out on top, it's gonna set you

-back for years. -Stewart, no. It's gonna be okay.

I'm kinda in the middle of something right now, so...

Okay.

You're doing a heck of a job.

I can be whatever I want to be. I can be God.

Hi, this is Barbie Reynolds, please leave a brief message, and I'll return your call.

-Still no answer. -Look, don't panic yet, all right? If she's in the

middle of an event, she's probably not picking up. Plus, Ryan should be with her

-by now. -Oh, knock it off!

(DOG WHIMPER)

(PHONE RINGING)

-Yeah. -How can we help you today?

-Hi, I just need to get an address. -All right.

Yeah, I still can't get a hold of Peter and Barbie

and now Ryan's not answering his phone.

-Look, Desiree, don't panic. -I'm not panicking!

-Shut up! -(DOG BARKING)

-Listen, what time do you get off set? -Wait, first I need to

-tell you what Ryan said earlier today. -Why, what did he say?

He was acting strange and saying some weird things. It was creeping me out.

-Hey, listen, I gotta call you back, all right? -Wait, Desiree!

-What did the police say? -I called the courier service.

What, are you gonna ship Charles' body to them?

No, I was thinking the courier said it came from M. Hastings.

So there had to be an address attached, right? So I found out what it was.

1443 Smith Street.

-Yeah, but we don't know anyone who lives around here. -Yes, we do.

Ryan.

(LOW CHATTER)

-Now let's get one with Ms. Carolina. -Miss.

Miss.

All right, Miss Carolina, you can take 15 now.

I just need the young ladies.

-(SCREAM) -Whoa!

Shit, how are we supposed to find Ryan?

I'll go find him, you get to Barbie.

Excuse me, Miss Carolina?

Miss Carolina, Miss Carolina, Miss Carolina, out the door and to the right.

Just go fix it. Just fix it.

I know that, and if I had wanted blue toothpicks, I would have ordered...

-Oh my god, Barbie! -Oh, God dammit, can't I just relax before a shoot?

Oh my God, you're okay!

Of course I'm okay. Are you acting crazy after all the

bullshit at the cemetery earlier?

-Well? -I'm sorry, Miss Carolina.

The circuit breaker's been acting up. It seem to only be affecting your room.

We do have somebody working on it, and I'm sorry.

Guess they're just gonna have to wait for their little shoot now, aren't they?

-Wait, Ryan talked you, didn't he? -I saw him at the pageant.

And he didn't say anything about Charles? About what we found?

I can't see shit. I'm gonna go out there looking like Amy Winehouse.

-(KNOCKING) -Yes?

Me, again. These just came for you.

Oh.

What a sweetie.

Who are they from?

Is there something in the vase?

-Maybe the florist... -Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God, are you okay? I'll get you a towel. Don't worry about it.

Do you mind?

-(PHONE BEEPING) -God dammit!

-What the hell? -(KNOCKING)

It's two minutes, Ms. Reynolds.

What about my goddamn lights?

-(ELECTRIC SOUND) -(SCREAM)

Oh my God, Barbie! Oh my God! (SCREAMS)

Oh, my God!

Where's Barbie?

What? No, no, no. She was right here.

She was right here, and the... the vase...the vase was on the...

After what happened today?

-It's a sick joke. -No, no!

She was... She was right...

(PHONE BEEPING)

"Milan," what?

"She'll kill us both." What?

Blaine, listen to me!

Ryan, I know what I saw.

Look, Des

just because of what happened with Charles

we can't let our imaginations run wild. We have to keep it together, okay?

-No, you sent the package to the cemetery! -No, I didn't.

-And you sent the roses! -Des, I didn't send anything to anybody.

-Tell him, Blaine. -Look, we called the courier service, all right?

They said the package came from your address.

So fuckin' what?

All of you know my address. Any one of you could have sent it.

Hell, I get letters from Peter's goddamn campaign office every day.

-And I'm a Democrat! -Shit.

-Shit, Peter! -Exactly!

Instead of standing here pointing fingers at each other

let's go check on Peter.

(GLASS BREAKING)

(SHUFFLING)

It's just your imagination.

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

-You okay? -Yeah.

Cut!

What the hell, Chuck? What's goin' on with my blood pumps?

-I don't know what the problem is. -Fuck me.

All right, let's redress the set!

-Can someone get me Emily? -(LAUGHING)

All right, Torrance, why don't you go on back your trailer? It's gonna be a little while.

-All right? -Yeah.

There you go, okay.

-Chuck, how long's it gonna take? -Ten, fifteen minutes.

All right, we got an hour!

-(HISSING) -April fools!

You assholes. Sorry, hon, they've been getting' everybody all day with that.

-What's this? -Just read it.

-So what? Peter and Milan had an affair. -Is that true?

This could mean one of two things. Either Peter and Milan continued this affair

and Barbie killed her, or B, Peter killed Milan to cover up a potential scandal.

Yeah, but then who killed Barbie?

-We don't even know that Barbie's dead. And even if she is, maybe she came forward

about killing Milan and then the killer came forward and killed Barbie.

-Wait, wait, what? -You know what? I know what I saw.

And we all saw Charles! I mean, something is not adding up.

We don't know what's going on, all right? But the way we left Charles

it's just not right. I gotta call the police.

Right, I'll deal with the consequences. I know that I didn't kill Milan.

I don't care is somebody has evidence. The fact is, I'm innocent.

(DIALING)

-South One Police Station. -Hi, it's Blaine Cartier. I need to report a murder.

I'll direct your call to homicide.

-Homicide. -Hi, this is Blaine Cartier. I need to report at murder.

What? Blaine Cartier? Listen, son, these pranks need to stop.

This is the fifth phone call I've received from you today.

If this is the real Blaine Cartier, the next call I get from you better be

you reporting your own murder.

We're so screwed.

Excuse me, do you know where we could find Peter Welling?

I think you just missed him, hon. You can check his office, and if he's not there

he's probably left for his appointment.

-He's parks on the basement level. -I'll go look in his office.

If he's not there, we'll check the garage.

Where is she?

-I don't know, she was just right here. -(SCREAM)

(CHUCKLES) Beautiful, just beautiful.

-Peter! -Desiree, what do you want?

-Peter, I need to talk to you. -Nope. Nope, I'm not getting involved this time.

-Peter, listen to me, dammit. Listen to me. -What?

-I need to talk to you... -Look, I have to earn the voters' confidence!

-Listen to me! -I have votes to earn, okay?

-Please, you have to explain this. -My value wagon.

(DESIREE SCREAMS)

Oh, no!

Peter!

Oh, he got Peter!

(CRYING)

(DIALING)

-Hello? -Where are you? I've called you like 100 times!

-I'm at Peter's office, where you left me. -Peter is dead!

-He got run over by his value wagon! -What? (LAUGHING)

Why are you laughing? I'm serious!

-All right, where's the van? Are you following it? -Yeah, I'm following it now.

Desiree, hey look, where are you? Tell me exactly where you're at.

-Shit, I think she sees me. -What?

What? Who sees you? Desiree, what are you talking about? What's going on?

-Milan. -Milan? What the hell are you talking about?

Desiree! Hey, hello? Hey!

Shit!

(HONKING)

Shit!

(PHONE RINGING)

-Des, you okay? -Blaine, I lost it.

Okay, look. Slow down and tell me where you're at. I'll come get you.

-Are you hurt? -Wait, I see it! Wait!

You see the van? Where are you?

I'm on Kellogg and Oakline.

-Okay, look Just stay there... -Look, I gotta go!

Oh, no. Torrance.

-Do you have a drive-on? -Yeah, I'm here to see Torrance Caldwell

-for Boogie Blades 2. -Is she expecting you?

Yes, I have a drive-on. Please.

-Your name? -Desiree Cartier.

-Okay, you can go in. -Thank you.

-Excuse me, where is Torrance Caldwell's trailer? -Oh, fifth one down.

Here, thanks.

Jesus! Oh, my God.

-You look like Milan. -Desiree, it's a wig. It's for the movie.

Listen, Peter and Barbie are dead, and I think that the murderer is after you

because I followed him here.

Look, we can't stay here. It's not safe.

Desiree, you're not making sense!

I have to get ready for the next scene.

Jesus, I think I'm losing my mind. I think they're dead, I saw them, and then...

-You have to tell me what Ryan said to you at the cemetery. -I don't know.

I mean, he was so angry. He kept on saying how we all got what we deserved

for causing Milan's death.

He was always in love with her.

There's something you need to know about Ryan.

-Something I should have said a long time ago. -What?

What the hell is going on?

-You okay? -Yeah, where's Ryan?

He took off in a hurry after you called. He kept mumbling something

about needing to get more information off of the laptop.

Listen, I don't know what this means, but

for the past year, I've caught him more than once watching me.

Watching you?

Yeah.

He was hiding, and I think he was videotaping me.

I was on a date and he was outside the restaurant.

I was at the mall, and he was even in the parking garage.

-What? -Okay, so he's got a fetish.

I know he's a weird guy, but just because he has an odd hobby

-doesn't make him a murderer. -That's exactly why I didn't say anything. But now

I don't know. It was really uncomfortable giving him a ride home.

Yeah, but who else is he spying on with that video camera?

Is he taping us?

Torrance, can you take Elton?

Let's go figure this out.

Do you think it was okay we left Torrance at set?

Des, she'll be fine, all right?

She said the director was taking her home and that there was more security than

crewmembers on that thing.

-There's not even anyone famous in that movie, right? -Here's Ryan's apartment.

(BABY CRYING)

-Shithole. -I believe the term is heroin chic.

This is it.

Now what?

Bingo.

Jesus.

God, did someone die in here?

Holy shit.

What's this?

I have no idea.

No, wait.

I believe we've moved beyond a hobby here.

"I have proof." The letter that we got said, "I have proof."

It's definitely him, all right.

-Who are you calling? -911. What's your emergency?

Three people have been murdered, put me through to homicide.

-What's your name, sir? -Anonymous caller.

We're at the Windsor Apartments at 5th and Smith. Apartment 211.

Okay.

There have been three murders, we believe we know the person responsible...

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, you've reached Ryan. I'm not around. You know what to do.

Hi Ryan, this is Emily from the Miss Carolina pageant.

Please call me when you get in. Thank you.

(GASPING)

(COUGHING)

Ryan, Ryan, hang in there, buddy! Hey, hey, hey!

-Hey, hey, Ryan! -Oh, my God!

-Come on, buddy. Stay with me. -What? What?

-Don't you... -No!

-(GURGLING) -Ryan.

Wait, wait.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Please, please, Ryan!

-What's that? -It's the knife that got him.

Des, someone's trying to set us up. We gotta get out of here.

-What are you doing? -We gotta get out of here. Come on.

-No! -Des, let's go, let's go!

No, that call was a hang-up.

Man, if this is another goddamn April Fool's joke, I'm gonna shoot somebody

in the ass.

Ah shit, man. I forgot my cuffs.

-So, go get 'em. -All right, I'll be right back.

Hey, you guys have a nice night.

RADIO: Hey, Paul, it was not a prank. -You too, officer.

(PHONE RINGS)

-Hello? -Torrance, it's not Ryan. He's dead.

-Listen, whoever is doing this is still out there. -Desiree, slow down.

The killer! The killer is still out there. You are not safe.

Listen, are you still with your director friend?

No, he's having a rehearsal with one of the child actors.

Okay, well you're not safe alone, so just

come over as soon as you can. We'll be safer together, okay?

-How do I know that? -What?

Desiree, I'm sorry, but you are the common denominator on all these murders.

What? How could you say that?

You were there at every murder. How do I know that you're not the one doing this?

Torrance, that's insane. Just... Just come over as soon as you can.

Sorry, Des, I think I'll take my chances.

-What? -What'd she say?

She said... She said she's not coming over.

Fuck her.

Wilford? I'll check upstairs.

(SOMETHING FALLING)

Blaine?

(TAPPING SOUNDS)

(TAPPING)

(WHISPERING) Desiree.

(GLASS BREAKING)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God!

(GLASS BREAKING)

(CRYING)

(CREEPY VOICE) Desiree!

I'm going to find you!

(MUFFLED VOICE)

Blaine?

Who did this? Who did this?

-Behind you. -I did.

Drop the knife, Desiree.

Torrance, listen to me. Neither one of us killed Milan, okay?

-You're lying, Blaine! -He's not lying, just...

Just put down the gun, and we'll sort everything out, okay?

I have a better idea.

Charles is dead.

Barbie and Peter are dead.

So is poor Ryan.

And then there were three. And all you had to do was admit that you killed Milan.

And all of this could have been avoided.

It was an accident. None of us killed her. It was a stupid prank.

A stupid prank, huh? So what, it was a coincidence that the drug Des slipped

Milan had caused her seizure?

No way.

-It's not true! -Rather than coming forward, you've chosen to let your

friends die

one by one.

Well, here's your last chance.

It was an accident, Torrance, I don't know what else to tell you.

Please!

Everybody said you were hopeless

but I defended you for the past year.

I was a fool. People like you should be removed from society.

-You're a menace. -A menace?

You killed five people!

Those people ruined my debut!

My ball! That so-called party you threw for me

was just a front for your stupid prank. You used me!

It's time for you to go.

(COCKS GUN)

-Goodbye, Desiree. -Wait!

Wait, I killed Milan. I did it. I did it.

-It was you. -I gave her the rufie, but I didn't mean for her to die.

I was just trying to get back at Blaine for

lording the inheritance over me all this time, and I thought that...

I thought that if he got in trouble... I thought if he got caught for rufie-ing Milan...

I didn't know she would react that way.

I didn't know she would... I didn't mean for anyone to get involved.

You said nothing. You let us go through the ringer

the court hearings, the press!

-We were innocent! -Innocent?

Innocent? By innocent, you mean

Charles, the social climbing fag, who

built his small empire by exploiting Milan's death?

Or how about Peter, the so-called politician who didn't have enough smarts

to keep his dick in his pants.

Maybe Barbie, who'd rather send death threats to Milan than take on marital

issues with her husband.

Nobody... Nobody was happier to see her dead than them.

Let's not forget about that obsessive creep, Ryan, who'd rather see Milan

in a box than with anybody else.

And Blaine? Blaine didn't care about anybody!

He didn't even think twice

about participating in my little stunt, and he paid dearly.

-You are a horrible person. -I may have accidentally killed her

but it takes a naive person like yourself to call those people innocent.

I don't deserve to die any more than they did.

You finished?

-What? -Boo.

April fools, bitch.

Ah, this is gonna be great for my fag social- climbin' website.

Hello, Desiree.

-Did you get all that? -Sounds pretty conclusive to me.

You remember Mr. Ellsworth, right?

He represented me after you killed Milan and let me take the fall.

I'm so happy you guys are alive.

Look at her face. That looks priceless.

Wow, that was really good, you guys.

-Well, you got me. -Ah, give it a rest, Desiree.

-I think you've shown your true colors. -What?

We all knew you had more to do with Milan's death but, like the investigators

we didn't have strong enough evidence.

We were tired of having our reputations in jeopardy as long as Milan's death was

still a mystery. So, after weeks of planning, I enlisted the help of

my friends, to try and provoke a confession out of you.

It worked.

-Wilford, why? -Because you were always such an insufferable bitch.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ah, Ryan orchestrated most of it.

It was his idea to dress up Torrance and have her haunt you as Milan.

Hell of a job, brother. Creating the illusion was no small task.

We had to figure out a way that would lead you from one place to the next.

Finding Charles, Peter and Milan's supposed affair

Ryan's weird obsession. Well, you get the idea.

It's all over now, Desiree. The prankster has become the pranked.

April fools.

-But the police are after us. -Nope.

Actors from Torrance's movie. We got them for scale.

But I saw all of you die with my own eyes!

-I saw it. -I got the FX guy from my movie to help us with that.

What?

Did a pretty good job, huh?

Ha! Squibs.

-(LOUD BANG) -Ah!

The gun.

They're blanks, Desiree.

-See? (GUNSHOT) -(SCREAMS)

Oh, my.

-Oh God! -What have you done?

I didn't do that! I just did what you told me to do!

I didn't tell you to blow her fuckin' head off!

-What the hell happened? -I have no idea.

I guess somebody tampered with the gun!

-Oh, God! -You! You planned this, didn't you?

Are you fucking nuts? I could have just as easily caught this bullet!

How could I have known, huh?

Your Honor, I fully acknowledge, take responsibility

for the danger in which I've put my family and friends

but I categorically deny any allegations of doing so with the intention of

killing anyone.

Thank you.

Torrance Caldwell, you are hereby acquitted of all charges in the death of

Desiree Cartier.

(GAVEL SOUNDS)

Citing the cause of death of the primary beneficiary

I hereby name Blaine Cartier

executor and sole beneficiary of the family trust.

Mr. Cartier will not be answering any questions at

this time.

While my client is deeply grateful for regaining control of the Cartier estate

he would throw it all away if it meant having his sister back.

For you regular viewers, you may remember catastrophe

in the Carolinas. We covered it about a year ago. Basically

a bunch of trust fund babies got away with murder

when their so-called April Fool's Day prank

resulted in the death of an innocent altruist.

Well folks, justice has been served.

Joining me now live via live satellite is Charles Lansford.

He is the host of the new show, Charles' Celebrity Corner.

-Hello, Susan. -Hello, Charles. So good to have you with us.

Now, the last time we talked, we were speaking about the death of Milan Hastings.

Now here we are, a year later, talking about yet another death.

This time, the woman responsible for Ms. Hastings' untimely demise

-Desiree Cartier. -That's right, Susan.

After there was no justice in the Hastings death, I knew I had to do something.

So I did a little of my own investigating, and I suspected

that the late Desiree Cartier was more involved than she originally let on.

So, why another prank?

Well, Desiree was never the type to own up to any sort of wrongdoing.

I mean, I could of told you that point blank. In fact, we were summering once in

the Cape, or was it Mad Poisson? I can't remember, Susan.

-What was my point? -So you got her to confess this time?

-Yes. -But, she died.

Yes, whereas I'm glad that the nonsense surrounding the Hastings death

has finally come to light.

But at the same time, I'm also heartbroken

that an accident has taken Ms. Cartier's life.

-So she was accidentally shot? -Yes.

I am 100% absolutely positive that it was an accident.

How is her brother holding up? From what I understand, he gains to inherit the entire

Cartier estate.

Well Blaine and I have been friends for many years

and believe me when I tell you

no amount of money is ever going to wash away the pain

he is feeling right now. He, as we all are

is deeply disturbed by his sister's malicious acts

but it is still his sister.

Well, Charles, why don't you tell our viewers now about your new show?

Absolutely, Susan. The first two episodes got rave reviews.

We do everything from celebrity sightings

to who's hot, who's not, who's goin' up, who's goin' down

who's goin' in and who's goin' out.

Chit-chat with Charles.