All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S03E03.The.Short.Way.Around.China + C

NARRATOR: Marco Polo,
one of the world's greatest explorers.

In the 13th century, he embarked
on an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to complete.

Now Ricky Gervais is sending
his mate Karl Pilkington

to follow in his footsteps.

But this time he's got a little company.

Will you stop
just puffing and panting like that?

KARL: Jesus Christ!
It's like a Primark sale.

He said if he did it again,
he'd want some company this time.

He meant me,
but I've sent someone in my place.

KARL: Grab hold of that.
WARWICK: I can't see.

RICKY: They are like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.

He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.

RICKY: He says he doesn't want
adventure. He doesn't want stress.

I'm just not a good swimmer.

Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera, tease the camera!

Now do a little bit from Oliver! Good.

It's not the night for this, is it?

- Warwick, you have to do it.
- I'm not doing it.

RICKY: They're gonna have
the adventure of their lifetime.

Whether they like it or not.

WARWICK: Whoa.

NARRATOR: Previously on
An Idiot Abroad.

Dick Whittington, he had a cat with him,
and you went,

"Why take a cat, take a little mate."

I just think you are going
to be a hindrance.

It was your idea to come to the party.
You go in there.

This is good.

Brilliant, Warwick. "Bring them over,"
he said. "Good to have some company."

One, two, one, two.

There's no way that I'm having it
that Warwick's a better dancer than me.

No way.

It seems what Warwick wants,
Warwick gets.

- I never had a kite.
- Put me down.

KARL: What you're gonna see now,

you'll never get
the chance to see again.

The Spider Sisters.

I'm just gonna wait outside.
Let Karl go and ask his questions,

Do you have the main
or do you have the pudding?

WARWICK: I don't know why
you're so fascinated with it.

KARL: Because it's something different.

I've done a lot for him now.
Let me have a bit of "me time".

KARL: I've come to see them
because they're different.

That's all it is, it's not to poke fun,
it's because they are different.

People out there are coming in here
to see new things.

- Look at the crowd Warwick got.
- Hello.

It would be good if Warwick was willing
to sit on there

and raise some more money.

I'll sit there, white person, bald,
they've never seen that before.

They've never seen a little man before.

Would it make any difference for them,

moneywise, if me and Warwick
was to sit on the stage as well?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

She says it's good, she doesn't mind.

Okay. Let's have a word with Warwick.

Oh. Great.

It's embarrassing. I'm not just going to
go and stand there and have people look.

Do you know what I mean?
What's the... What's the point?

Karl, what are you doing?

Just when I think you've said
the weirdest, stupidest thing ever,

you top it.

I think it's weird that we're putting
ourselves on this side.

That's what's making this horrible.

If we just all sat there together
it's not a problem.

You sit there, I'll sit behind you.

People come in,
I'll give you a centre-parting.

You do what you want to do,

what you need to obviously
get it out of your system.

You do that
and I'll go outside and wait.

KARL: I don't understand his priorities.

He's happy to dress up as leprechauns
and bears and stuff.

But he won't sit on a stage,
which he likes,

and he won't let me comb his hair.

Everything we've been through together.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

MAN: She said,
"They'll come to see Warwick."

Why? Why Warwick, not me?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I can't see any merit in me doing it.
If I had something to do,

something to give here, then,
then so be it, it's a performance.

But it isn't. Me just sitting there...
It's not...

I'm not bringing anything
to the table here am I?

- (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- What about me?

But round head?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

What do you look like, Karl?

I need you, you're my partner.

- But what are we doing, then?
- I will comb your hair.

- I'll massage you.
- Are you alright? Are you alright?

Ben Fogle wouldn't have
left James Cracknell.

Cannon and Ball always
did stuff together.

The Chuckle Brothers, it wouldn't
have worked with one Chuckle.

You are standing there getting
an eyeful for free.

Warwick, just get on the fucking stage.

Shout his name.
"Warwick, Warwick, Warwick, Warwick."

WARWICK: This is ridiculous

Yes!

You bastard.

Thank you very much.

I'm going to bloody kill you.

DIRECTOR: Warwick, are you okay?

Not really. I think I'm having some
sort of weird dream here.

Thank you.

- Alright, then, alright.
- Go on then, that's it.

That's it, give it a good squeeze.

Very nice.

Thank you, ladies, very much,
thank you.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Easy. Easy.

Just one bit of fun.
That's all it was.

(RICKY ON PHONE)

KARL: You are never going to see
the Spider Sisters

- or anything like it again.
- WARWICK: Yes, okay.

KARL: You could see this again,
quite easily.

WARWICK: Look, I just don't want to talk
about that whole scenario again.

It's like Salford Docks, this.

So how far are we going on this boat?

- I'm not in the mood for it.
- WARWICK: Why?

KARL: I've got the shits.

It's bit funny how I've got
the shits and you haven't.

WARWICK: Well, I'm careful.

KARL: Well, you haven't been
getting into it, have you?

You've been having
deep-pan pizzas every day.

I wanted you to get ill.

WARWICK: But why does
that bother you so much?

KARL: Because then you can be
part of the team.

- It's like the Red Arse Gang.
- (LAUGHS)

At least then, I don't know,
you wouldn't annoy me as much.

It's annoying me how you're not ill
and experiencing what everyone else is.

WARWICK: So if I'm chucking up
in the toilet with the shits

you'd come in and pat me
on the back and say, "Great, Warwick."

KARL: Well, yeah, I'd have some
connection with you.

WARWICK: So your connection with me
would be through my arse then?

Come on,
better go catch the boat, Karl.

- KARL: Nice smell of piss in the air.
- Thank you very much.

Mind your step here, Karl,
it's not even hooked on.

Have you ever been on a cruise before?

Nah. And I won't be again
if they are all like this.

It's not good when the carpet's damp,
now is it?

Fucking hell, the Titanic was brought up
and it looked better than this.

WARWICK: Thank you very much.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Yeah, it's my room.
He's just helping me with my luggage.

And there's the toilet, that will be...

To be honest, that is useful for me,
the way I am at the moment.

The toilet's got a shower door on it.

That's well handy,
the way it's spurting out of my arse.

I'm not joking.

And I know what's happening here,
because you've got this room,

so what's mine like?

(GROANS QUIETLY)

Shower...
(MOUTHS FART SOUND)

All at the same time.

- That's the toilet?
- (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Loo. Don't use that one.

I've got bad guts.

I'm not doing this.
I'm sick of it, I'm just sick of it.

For fuck's sake. Ah, God!
(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

I just want to see Warwick.

- WARWICK: Hello.
- Warwick, I don't know what's going on.

I don't know why you're
getting special treatment.

I haven't even got my own toilet.
Somebody's already been on my toilet.

There's already something there.
We haven't even left dock yet.

- Well, what have you got then?
- I haven't got anything.

Just a bed. With about four or five
other strangers.

- Are you sharing?
- Yes.

It's just annoying me the way that
we are not having the same experiences.

So let's go down the little corridor
and share the same experience.

What, the same way you made me share
the experience with the Spider Sisters?

Yeah.

Well, then, maybe this is sort
of payback?

Alright, forget it then. Forget it.
You can have your room, then.

Don't get like that,
don't get all arsey.

Stick it up your arse.

I shouldn't have mentioned that,
I didn't want to upset him.

We're both in this together,
we should stick together.

But that's not what he did that day.

I suppose two wrongs don't make a right,
does it? I should... (SIGHS)

(RHYTHMIC CLANGING)

(TELEPHONE DIALLING)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

I've had the shits all day.

The cabin that you sorted out for me,

I'm in there
with the fucking Grumbleweeds.

There's one toilet
between about five of us.

- (RICKY LAUGHING)
- Listen to this.

- That's what I'm sharing with.
- (RICKY CONTINUES LAUGHING)

It's not on though, it is not on.

(RICKY SINGING)

No, I'm not doing that with him
in there. I won't sleep.

(RICKY LAUGHS)

It would bring me nightmares, that.

DIRECTOR: Did you get any sleep, Karl?

Yeah, a few minutes, yeah.

Have you seen Warwick? Did he sleep?

Marco Polo must have been
pissed off by this point.

It's horrible, it's horrible.

It's a place to visit in
a submarine this, this river.

Look at it, it's polluted to hell
and back isn't it?

I know people moan at home,
sort of saying,

"Oh, our industries are gone
and factories are gone

"and people aren't making things
at home." But they are here.

I mean everything you pick up is made
in China.

And look what it does to the place.

Factories putting all this shit
in the air.

Let them keep it, honestly.
We don't want this at home.

It's depressing enough
without having skies like this.

You hear it all the time, don't you?

You know, "We don't do anything
any more. We don't make anything. "

It's all sort of coffee shops
and paninis

and charity shops,
but at least we have blue skies.

If you are going to be pissed off at
home, be pissed off with a blue sky.

Imagine being pissed off here.

Hello?

(RICKY ON PHONE)

We, er, we knocked that on the head.

Because it was horrible, honestly.

It was misty and the toilets
were shocking.

There was turds everywhere.

Gillian McKeith,

that's the only person who would
have liked that little boat trip.

- Cool.
- A real one?

Wow, that's amazing.
Thank you very much.

- Thoughts, Karl? You're speechless...
- Are they dangerous at all?

Alright, then.

WARWICK: I'm excited about this.

What was the last thing
that you saw a panda actually do,

and that you went,
"Oh, that's useful."

Well, I do know this. That their urine

is collected by Szechuan tribal people

and if somebody swallowed a needle,

they'd drink it,
and it would dissolve the needle.

What we're doing there is saving idiots.

If they're eating needles,
that's nature's way of wiping them out.

We're saving everyone now.
That's the problem.

Yeah, I was just giving you
a use for a Panda.

Yeah, but it's not good enough,
not good enough.

- Hello. Professor Jao?
- Yeah.

- Yes, I'm Warwick Davis.
- Hello. Nice to meet you.

- Karl. How are you doing, you alright?
- Nice to meet you. Good.

(JAO SPEAKING)

What is it?

It's the breeding, they teach
breeding behaviour.

KARL: I'm not wanking off a panda.

Look at this!

(JAO SPEAKING)

So, it's like saying the right thing
to the lady first at dinner?

If they don't make the right noise
then she's...

- Not interested.
- No, thank you.

Do you have different films for it
to hear and watch or is it the same?

I don't know about that.

I don't think that works, does it?
And it's the same one.

It's the same film over and over again,

so you're going to get bored
of that anyway.

I've seen rude films. You can't
watch them more than three times.

You go, "What else have you got?

How many times
do you watch them, Warwick?

What, the panda films?

No, I've never watched
any other sort of...

You've never watched any rude films?

No, I haven't ever felt I need to,
to be honest.

No, it's not about need is it?

It's like how I wanted to see
the Spider Women.

It's just, "What's all that about?
People watch these. What's going on?"

There's nothing rude about it,
it's natural.

So you did it for research purposes?

Yeah, just have a look what goes on.
Get some ideas.

(JAO SPEAKING)

- You're saying we've got to dress up?
- Yeah.

But surely that's more dangerous,
isn't it? If we look like a panda?

I've been a few bears in my time,
but never a panda.

Does this really convince them?

Does it heck. It's bollocks, all this.
It's just an excuse to dress us up.

You've got to try and get in the mind
of the character now.

Don't start, Warwick, don't start.

It's what it's all about,
what do you mean "don't start"?

- Just put your costume on.
- Don't just wear it like that.

I'm going to put the hood on
when I get in there.

Get involved. Otherwise
it's going to look ridiculous.

I've seen pandas on the telly
with people near them.

I've never seen Attenborough
dressed up like this.

But I'm just thinking,
if something goes tits up,

I can't see where I'm going,
I'm hot, I'm going to trip over.

It's just not safe.

If it kicks off and I have to thump it
in the head and I end up injuring it,

again, I'll look like the bad man.

"Karl thumps endangered species
in the head".

But, at the end of the day,
if it comes at me, I will go at it.

And I'm not being responsible
for what happens.

If I have to kick it between the
bollocks, that's what's going to happen.

I will kick a panda in the bollocks
if I have to.

Do we need to make any sound?
What sound does a panda make?

'Cause I probably...
I'm gonna be a little baby one.

Chirps? How does that go?

(MAKING CHIRPING NOISES)

What about a mummy panda?
What noise?

(MAKING GOAT NOISE)

Yeah, let's just go in,
let's go and have a look.

WARWICK: You get in all the gear,

you've got to have the sounds
and the behaviour.

We don't know anything the bear.

I bet a panda never does
that for example.

Karl you can't stand on your two legs.
They never do that.

(MAKES PANDA NOISES)

My mouth?

KARL: Where are you going to?
WARWICK: I'm trying to suckle.

- KARL: Here, I'm letting it get here.
- Where is it though?

- Where's your head?
- I can't see.

- KARL: Grab hold of that. There.
- No wonder they are dying out,

if they are like you.

KARL: Let's face it, it's just looking
down, thinking, "What's going on?"

It looks like we've been doing
the London Marathon and got lost.

Is this, honest to God,
on your Mum's life,

is this going to make him
come towards us?

Just stick with it Karl, honestly.

Just act real, act naturally,
like a panda.

KARL: Jesus Christ.

Karl, he's coming down.

- We go out?
- Yeah.

- Karl, we've got to go out.
- Why?

- It's coming down.
- Well, what have we come here for?

It was a lot of effort that, wasn't it?

Just enticed him down.

I just thought we were going to hug it
or something.

It's a long way to come
just to see that.

Hello.

Just having a nice day.
No stress, having a wander about.

It's Sunday here, so it's good
to see what normal people do.

First restful day we've had.

Do you go to the park much in London?

Yeah, all the time. I love a good walk,
a bit of people-watching.

What's this?
A giant ear bud isn't it?

What are they copying, is it news
headlines or something? It is news.

It's like a really basic Ceefax.

The word on the street,
that's where the phrase comes from.

I'm just going to do my signature,
I think.

Just do a little head.

- Good, isn't it?
- It is good.

You see, the thing is,
it's hard to be an explorer now.

Everything has been found.

It was a piece of piss back then
with old Marco, going where he wants

and saying that he's found new land.

Look at that baby. Good God.

Did you see the fat baby?

Karl, it's not overweight, it's just
chubby, it's a little puppy fat.

You don't see many fat Chinese do you?
It's because the food's not very nice.

Are you going to have something to eat,
or pizza?

WARWICK: Oh, I quite fancy a pizza.

You've got to have something
a bit weird.

And I'll have it with you.

You've got cold pork lung, pig ear...

- I've had pig ear, that's not bad.
- Karl, I've got a table.

This isn't that bad, to be fair.

It's only the rabbit head
that looks a bit shit.

You get rid of the teeth,
you'd think that was a pork chop.

- Warwick, this isn't that bad.
- No?

No, they haven't got anything weird.

I thought they'd have
well weirder stuff.

- I mean, that doesn't look normal.
- KARL: It smells of liquorice, that one.

Here you are, eat one of them.
Just shove it in.

Honestly, it's not that bad.

- Can I nibble the edge of it?
- It's worse, just shove it in.

- Don't tell me what it is.
- That's a lamb bollock.

What's wrong with eating
a little sheep bollock, really?

(WARWICK COUGHING)

Stop mentioning testicles.

Right, now, I don't know how you eat
one of these,

I think you just pick it up
with your hands and have a chunk.

That's like stone, that's solid.
Oh, fucking hell, it's a head.

- Just have a bite of that.
- I'm not eating it now.

Not now I know it's a head.

- Bloody hell.
- Look at that.

- Right, just have a bite of its face.
- Stop pushing it to me.

Go on, just have a bite,
bite into it.

Oh, fucking hell. You've let me down.

I can't. I'm not letting you down.

- Forget it, forget it, it's stupid.
- You've had a bollock before?

I don't want to play your fucking game.

Don't throw bollocks
at me like that either. Ridiculous.

WARWICK: I've got a job to do.
I didn't want to go down with illness.

KARL: No, but that's part of it,
I think.

You are doing travel and then whatever
you do, if that happens,

- that's part of the story.
- Right.

Honestly, there's people here who
would watch Attenborough

and think it's a cooking programme.

WARWICK: Here, look, look at him.

What's he shovin' in?

It's like a little blade.

Oh, yeah.

That's nice that, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is nice.
- Yeah, he seems to know...

How far, how far he can go with it.

- Tickling.
- Oh, my God.

Jesus, Warwick.

You've had that in your ear.
It's the same.

- I didn't have that much.
- Well...

No wonder you haven't, like,
shit yourself since you've been here.

You've just been...
All your orifices blocked up with wax.

Good Jesus. It's disgusting, actually.

You should do your ears,
you dirty little shit.

- But it's deep in the ear.
- We could actually make like,

a little Madame Tussauds
model of Warwick

with the amount of wax that's
come out of his head.

KARL: Funny little fella, isn't he?
Imagine him as a removal man.

- Yeah.
- Pissing about.

Just get them in the van.

WARWICK: We are on our way to see
a Buddhist temple,

which is somewhere I really wanted to
see in China, but my sinuses are really,

really hurting and... So, yeah,
I don't feel so great, to be honest.

I've done a few mountains and that,
and you know, hurts your head,

but he's hurting his head
before we've even started, so...

Should we knock it on the head?

It's just that you are never going
to get this opportunity again.

That's what I'm disappointed about.

Yeah, but if the memory of it is going,
"Me head," what's the point?

No, I want to do it, I want to have
a go at it, but I don't know...

Shall we just start walking?
And just have a go?

Right, let's just start walking.

If he manages to do it on his own two
feet he's going to feel a lot better

than, you know, if he's...
if he's sat in this.

It's like going up there on a...
you know, a chairlift, isn't it?

So what do you know about Buddhism?

Dalai Lama bloke.

He's sort of a happy, stress-free fella,

but he's not living
a normal life, is he?

If we all did what he did,
how would anything get done?

He sits around, coming up with thoughts,
but he's got a bloke to empty his bins,

to wash the pots, to do his food.

If we all did that,
we'd still be living in mud huts.

WARWICK: Oh, gosh.

Are you alright, yeah?

I am tired but I'm slightly worried
about getting in them.

I don't know how they...

How can they carry someone
up these steps?

That's what they do though,
it's a little chair.

They're made for it.

If you are getting in there,
it's a little bit of a give up early.

Yeah, alright, I don't want to be
seen to be giving up.

(WARWICK PANTING)

KARL: He's not cut out for it.
He is not cut out for this.

I keep looking behind
and he's dropped behind.

He's slowing me down,
and I want to move on.

WARWICK: Alright,
I'm stopping for a bit.

- Alright.
- I mean this is hard anyway,

but with this it's like,
it's twice as hard.

Suzanne always has a moan at me.
When she's ill, I'm rubbish around her.

"Can't you nip to the supermarket
instead?" And all that.

I'm just not good around ill people.

How much further is it?
Do you know?

DIRECTOR:
Well, I think we're not even...

Not even quarter of the way.

I'm not going to make it.

DIRECTOR: It's okay
to not get to the top, Warwick.

No, it's not okay.

Just knock it on the head.

He's not a Buddhist.
So why's it so important?

We've come so far through a journey,
and kind of...

What we've been through and stuff,
it's always managed to keep going and...

He's his own man,
if he wants to give up he can.

There's no prize here,
we're not going to win something.

There's not a caravan up for grabs
if we make it to the top.

It's just a walk, and a temple.

I don't know if it's better just
to give up,

"that's what I could do" and that's it,
or to jump in there and...

Karl...

Are you giving up?
You knocking it on the head?

My head's not up to it today.
I want to go up and see it.

You knew your limits down there.

I said, "If you don't want to go,
don't do it." And now we're halfway up.

But I do want to go, that's the thing.

It's like dragging round
a Henry the Vac.

You know that thing, you're walking
and it gets caught under a chair

and you've got to walk back
and unblock it.

That's what it's been like,
with your big smiling face.

- I'm going to call it a day here.
- Definitely?

It's too easy to say,
"I've got a headache or my legs or..."

It is easy
if you haven't got a headache.

Karl, in my career
I've put up with all sorts of stuff.

The stuff I endure in costumes
and stuff. It's hard.

But this makes a mockery...

This makes a mockery
of the whole Star Wars thing anyway.

You're in the universe.

I didn't see you up there going,
"My sinuses."

(IMITATES DARTH VADER)

That's what he sounded like.
His nose is blocked.

"Land, I need a Vicks."

I can't.
I don't think I'll get all the way.

DIRECTOR:
Sometimes, Karl, you see,

I don't think you see
what others see, you know?

You were up there,
having a go at Warwick.

Warwick's down below
actually having a little tear on.

You didn't cry, did you, on camera?

Hang on, I didn't mean to, it's just...

Oh, here we go. I hate that.

I feel like doing it just
to annoy him now.

Exactly, that's exactly how I work.

That's how I do it with Suzanne.

"You never wash up."
"I do." "You don't." And she does it.

It's the same thing, being pushed.
So what I want to say to you is

get off your arse and get walking.

Let's keep going. We can do it.

Oh, bloody hell.

Whoa, Jesus.

Poor fellas.

Now if we do make it up,
he can't say he walked all the way.

This is part of the experience
as well, isn't it?

Oh, it is now, is it?
It wasn't a minute ago.

No, but I thought, you know, travel,
it's what it's all about.

WARWICK: Pilkington moves
the goal posts once again.

He is like having a little kid with me,
because of his height,

and he likes toffees and he likes pizza.
I feel like his dad.

And that's what I was acting like
when I was coming up the hill.

"Right, come on, son."

And that's how... If I'd got a son,
that's how I would have spoke to him.

"Get off your arse and get up here."

- Wow.
- Oh, Jesus, it's more stairs.

KARL: I tell you what,
you can't be a Buddhist in a wheelchair.

WARWICK: I don't think he realises
what he's saying sometimes.

"Yeah, dragging
a Henry Vacuum behind me,

"and having to stop
and empty it now and again."

I mean, how offensive can you be?
But it was what I needed.

I gave him the kick to do it,

and sometimes
that's what you need, isn't it?

You need a good leader.

I was like Winston Churchill
or something like that.

When you're going through hell,
keep going.

That's what I did down there.
I was Winston Churchill.

"Don't give me that shit, keep going."

- That's it.
- Yes! Here we are!

- That's amazing.
- Yeah, that's impressive, that.

Absolutely, yeah.

You see what annoys me, Warwick, right,

you didn't like seeing the woman
with two heads.

Suddenly, you are happy with that,
she's got six.

(LAUGHING)

Were you really crying before
or was that just messing about?

- No, I was.
- Why?

I don't know, I think it's something
to do with being short.

It's harder to be defeated,
do you know what I mean?

It will make it look like
an X Factor moment.

You'll be loving that, won't you?
They'll have Coldplay under that.

(VOCALISES)

"Will the little man do it?"

I'm telling you.
And everyone will be like that.

(WHIMPERS)

WARWICK: Come on.

Coldplay...

KARL: It has brought us closer together.

The one bad thing to come out of this,
he's got a disabled badge for his car.

He's gonna get that taken off him.
Because you can't be climbing stuff

like this and then getting home
and going, "I need to park here."

That's well gone,
but I haven't told him.

(RICKY ON PHONE)

KARL: I don't like getting dressed up,
especially not to have a meal.

If I'm having a Sunday dinner at home,
I normally sit there with nowt on top.

I take my t-shirt off and everything,

because if you drop a bit of chicken
and gravy, gravy's got grease in it,

it doesn't come out.

I sit there bare-chested
round the table. And I enjoy it.

You don't have to be dressed up.

I'll pop a T-shirt back on
when it's time for pudding.

It's going to be alright, this.
Ricky's sorted everything out.

It's going to be a lovely evening.

It's really nice that he set this up
to celebrate the end of the journey,

and then, erm... in true Ricky style,

he's thrown a bit of a spanner
in the works for me.

I got a text from him...

We're not just going up there
to look at the view.

He wants Karl to do a skydive.

(SIGHS) It's just faff, isn't it?

Why do this when we've invented buttons?
Fannying about.

WARWICK: What Ricky's basically
said about tonight is,

"Don't let me down. It's in
your hands to get him to do this.

"I don't want the show to finish
on a damp squib.

"We've got to end with a big finish,
everyone wants to see him jump."

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

- Are you going to have a pudding?
- Yeah. If he's paying, of course.

I'd actually like to see a plate of food
that I know is for me,

and it's my job to eat
what's on that plate.

But the way they keep sort
of bringing out dishes of noodles,

and then some dim sum,
and then a dumpling.

It's just like a load of starters,
isn't it?

It's going to be nice.

That way. Good thing we dressed up.

I don't know, just for something to eat.
It just seems a bit over-the-top to me.

The restaurant's at the top there. Yup.

AUTOMATED LIFT VOICE:
Welcome to the Macao Tower.

We hope you enjoy your visit to this
338-metre iconic landmark.

I, um, I got a text from Ricky earlier,

hoping we had a nice time.

They do other stuff here
as well as food.

You can do, sort of, extreme,

sort of sports.

- Bungee jumping, funny.
- No, no, it's not bungee jumping.

- Yeah, but it is though, isn't it?
- No, no, it isn't.

Yeah, but it is.
I don't do extreme stuff, Warwick.

- Hello, there, I'm Warwick. Hi, there.
- Tony O'Rourke, how are you?

- Hello, Tony, this is Karl.
- How are you doing, yeah.

Welcome to Macao Tower.
We have various activities.

We have our Skywalk,
which is walking the outer room.

We have our Sky Jump. We have our
World's Highest Bungee Jump.

So you know what
bungee jumping is, yeah?

Yeah, I've been faced with it
and I'm not doing it.

Sky Jump is actually designed for those
people who could never do a bungee jump.

You guys want to have a look?

Yeah, I'm happy to go outside
and have a look,

it's just that I'm not gonna jump.

As you can see, everything is double.

We attach the two attachments
to your harness

and then what we do is we slowly, ever
so slowly, just lower you to the ground.

It's actually a controlled...
What we call a "controlled descent".

- Right.
- It's just a gentle ride.

Karl, come here, come here.

Just hang on a second.

Do you remember, like,
remember the mountain the other day?

- Yeah.
- Right, I didn't want to do it.

I couldn't do it. It's not that I didn't
want to. You motivated me to do it.

Yeah, and I'm glad I did.

And the food thing
and you were going, "Eat it,"

and I would never have
gone anywhere near a testicle,

but I did because you were going,
"Have it."

Why don't you do it?

This is about you conquering something.

What was the other things
that you said you can do?

The Skywalk, which is just walking
the perimeter of the tower.

Yeah, that's a doddle, that's easy,
walking round that.

There you go, excellent.

Whoa.

Oh, oh, Jesus.

Yeah, I don't like that.

- Karl, have you looked straight down?
- Yeah.

WARWICK: Your brain's telling you
this can't be real.

You wouldn't be this stupid, surely.

KARL: I don't want
any more of a rush than that.

I can understand the view,

but jumping off, I really don't know
what it's about.

WARWICK: Shall we go for a wander?

KARL: It's pathetic though, isn't it?

What?

The fact that you won't do
the old sky dive?

No, no. Just that Ricky keeps
going on about this.

But I don't want to do one,
and he can't make me.

And he wouldn't do one.

It's not as if he's been jumping
off buildings.

I've never seen him do anything
with a slight bit of danger.

There's just nothing in me that makes me
want to jump off there.

Sometimes that's what annoys me with
films, there's always a happy ending.

Life isn't like that,
people don't always get what they want.

My favourite films are Elephant Man,
who ends up

killing himself because
he's sick of having that head,

and Kes, when his kestrel gets killed by
his brother. I don't like happy endings.

Can you sit down on the edge?

I can't get any nearer the edge
because I've got tension.

Where are your knees?
Have you got knees?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, I have.

We've done this whole thing together,

epic journey, put up with all
sorts of stuff.

Yeah.

You know, shouted, hated each other,
got on with each other.

We should do the last thing together.
I'll do it if you do it.

- Well, I'm not going to be doing it.
- It can't be that hard. Look at me, now.

- I'm hanging over here.
- Well, that's what I'm saying.

You could do it.

Right, hook me up.

Have you ever had a dwarf up
here before, to do this?

- No.
- So this is a world record then.

Check. Rear attachment.

That's, that's making me nervous,
all that stuff.

Check.

You're going to feel yourself
lifting off.

Nah. No way.
Warwick, that is mental.

Bloody hell.

I just looked down there.

- Warwick, are you sure?
- Oh, fucking hell. Stay there.

- I'm here.
- No way.

No, look at me.

You don't have to do it.

You're idiots, all of you.
Spin me around again.

You're going to be fine,
let's just do this.

We're going to do it. Okay, Warwick?
Sky Jump in five seconds. Four, three...

No, don't say...
Don't count down like that.

- Two, one.
- Fuck.

- Good luck.
- Oh, Fuck!

- Oh, my God!
- Fucking Hell.

- Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, Jesus.

I don't want to look, I do not want
to look, that was way too fast.

(CHEERING) Fucking hell. Ha!

This is amazing.

Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes.

That's amazing.

Fucking hell. That's so good.
That's amazing.

I want to do it again, that is so good.

(TELEPHONE DIALLING)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

Hello, Ricky, it's Warwick.

We are at the top of the Sky tower
in Macao. And I just jumped off it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did it. It felt great.
And Karl nearly did it.

Yeah, I just sort of walked
around the edge of it.

Well high up.

Yeah.

(SQUAWKS LIKE A CHICKEN)

I'm pleased for Warwick.
I feel like I've been part of it.

- I helped him get out on the ledge.
- And then you ran away.

Yeah, but... but I helped you do it.
That's teamwork, isn't it?

Okay.

Well, that was worth doing
wasn't it? It's for my health.

- Finger up the arse?
- I'm fine with that.

I'm all checked out up there.
Honestly.

And I've had my ears done on this trip
as well, so I'm totally...

All orifices are clear.
Thank you very much.

Oh, I've seen them, don't worry.
In this little harness he's got on,

like a little bunch of grapes
being lowered down.

- Cargo. Look at them.
- Stop.

It's unbelievable,
'cause they're normal, aren't they?

They're normal-size bollocks.

Well, I don't know.
I'm not comparing them to anything.

- Believe me.
- Why do we have to... Why...

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

He's gone. That's the end of that.

There you go.

Stop going on about my nuts, will you?

I know, but it's unbelievable.

That's something I won't forget.
The Spider Sisters, and them.

(LAUGHS)

That's all you take away from this trip,
is the Spider Sisters and my nuts.

- Great.
- Let's get something to eat.

(SOMEWHERE PLAYS)

Wow.

Get me down.

Karl, smile.

Knew you were coming.

Whoa.

Are those your knees?
Have you got knees?

Yeah, I have, yeah.

I wasn't even attached then.

I could have fell off. Jesus.