Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Marco Polo, one of the world's greatest explorers.

In the 13th century, he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to complete.

Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl Pilkington

to follow in his footsteps.

But this time he's got a little company.

Will you stop just puffing and panting like that?

KARL: Jesus Christ! It's like a Primark sale.

He said if he did it again, he'd want some company this time.

He meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.

KARL: Grab hold of that. WARWICK: I can't see.

RICKY: They are like chalk and cheese. Karl whinges all the time.

He's doing me head in. He's treating it like a holiday.

RICKY: He says he doesn't want adventure. He doesn't want stress.

I'm just not a good swimmer.

Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no. He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera, tease the camera!

Now do a little bit from Oliver! Good.

It's not the night for this, is it?

- I never had a kite. - Whoa!

RICKY: They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime.

Whether they like it or not.

KARL: Whoa.

NARRATOR: Previously on An Idiot Abroad...

I've never seen a dwarf

go on a round-the-world trip on any programme.

Ranulph Fiennes, or whatever his name is, when he climbed Everest,

he didn't say, "Here's me little mate I brought."

Karl, what's his height got to do with it?

Yeah.

I just think you're going to be a hindrance.

WARWICK: Yeah, but I'm trying to open your mind

and open your eyes a bit to appreciate

- where we are and what we're doing. - Fuck me!

Warwick's an actor. That's what he does. Who is the real Warwick?

He's doing me head in. It's exactly what I said to you at the start.

- There's nothing here. - KARL: There's nothing wrong with this.

Of all the people to be moaning about being in a tight space,

you're not the one.

This is your idea to come to the party. You go in there.

- Relax. - KARL: I am relaxed.

- This is good. Touch it, touch it. - No, I've had enough now.

- KARL: I nearly died! - You're fine.

I think you need to find yourself, Karl.

Nah. Songs of Praise on a Sunday. It's well boring.

I don't want to see the old people dancing around to the Lord's prayer

sticking knives in their head.

- WARWICK: Get me down. - (LAUGHING)

- Keep hold of that rope. - (RICKY ON PHONE)

If you offered me a cat now I'd do a swap.

(RICKY LAUGHING)

(BEEPS)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

WARWICK: I just love the atmosphere already.

You can feel it. You can feel the energy, can't you?

- I'm excited to see the hotel. - You have no idea, have you?

You won't even see the hotel. Last time I was here I saw more backs

of toilet doors than I've ever seen in me life.

You sort of want graffiti for something to read.

I don't intend on using any toilets while we are out and about.

- (KARL LAUGHS) - Do everything in the hotel.

- Done for the day. - No, no control of your arse.

The moment you land in India that is it, your arse has got a mind of its own.

It just comes with it, it comes with every meal.

You have a starter, main course, pudding, shits.

WARWICK: This is lovely, our own palace.

KARL: It's not bad, is it?

WARWICK: Oh, it's gorgeous, just look at that view. It's stunning.

It's sort of what I expected, I think, at the moment. It's full of life,

you know, there's a certain energy you get here and, yeah, I'm enjoying it.

- Has Warwick got that view? - DIRECTOR: What view?

This view. Has Warwick got that? Look at it.

It's like they've seen you coming with all your camera kit

and they think Antiques Roadshow is here or something.

There's no reason for all this to be left out here.

It sums up India for me, that.

That's probably why they put those domes on the Taj Mahal, innit,

to stop people putting shit on his roof.

DIRECTOR: Do you know what you're doing with Karl then?

Oh, I've been having a look through the books.

Something caught my eye which was quite cool. Um, Laughter Yoga.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And it's actually been proven to cure depression

and sort of lighten the spirit and the mood.

I'm hoping that Karl's gonna get involved and have a go at this.

And we may well see a difference in him

over the few days following.

KARL: It's not a place that I think about coming for a good laugh.

You don't see many "laughy" faces.

And there should be with what you're wearing.

- It's my yoga pants. - You're like a fucking Oompa Loompa.

(WARWICK CHUCKLES)

Even though I was laughing it wasn't a genuine laugh.

It was more of a release of stress.

At the annoyance of Warwick, in a way, just given a chance to sort of yell out.

It's more of a yell. Far from a laugh.

- DIRECTOR: What makes you laugh? - I saw a woman walking down the street

with a pram and the baby fell out.

No, it was quite old, it must have been about three or four or something.

And she was busy on the phone with a fag on, greasy hair, leggings

and she didn't notice.

She sort of hit the kerb and it fell out and it made me laugh

and no one else saw it.

So it was like a little private joke just for me.

That's the problem with the world these days. You're not allowed to laugh

at things that you shouldn't really laugh at.

And that's why this is important. We'll be doing this at home.

'Cause there's nothing you're allowed to laugh at any more.

(CROWING)

Laughing's dying out.

Crying, everybody's at it. On X- Factor.

Nick Knowles doing DIYSOS, they give some fellow in a wheelchair

a new kitchen, everyone's at it.

It's like evolution.

We're not laughing any more, not like we used to.

Definitely not like that.

When do you see old people laughing at home like that?

It's a different side to India that I saw last time I was here.

There was no laughing going on there.

And that's a little bit of a niggle, that he's having quite a nice time.

But I just think you need to find some shitty things for him as well,

just to give him a taste of that.

And then let's do some laughing yoga there.

You know what I mean, when he's shitting his pants.

Let's have a laugh, Warwick. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha.

Let's see him laugh then.

Let's see how much this works,

in a toilet with no toilet roll, no toilet seat, no toilet sometimes,

just a hole. That's what I wanna see.

- (SPEAKING IN HINDl) - Ready? Smile.

Do it again, do it again, he was still taking it.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

It's an honour I think, really, isn't it, to be invited to do that.

I don't know how many western people get to do that.

I mean, I don't know whether they've gone for me because,

you know, the name Warwick Davis to have in a film

is quite cool as well. I don't know.

There's more to acting than people think,

and I think Karl's under some illusion

that what I do is really easy and it's just dressing up

and dancing around as silly characters, which it isn't.

We're here for some rehearsals, thank you very much.

Just stick with me and be enthusiastic, okay?

- Well, what are we gonna do? - New step, new songs.

- New song? - For a new movie.

I'll show you the steps. One, two, three, start. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four...

Okay, you just do one thing, you follow me.

I am.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

You're just missing two or three beats.

From the start. One, two, three, start.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

- One, two, three, four. - Very good, very nice.

Thank you very much. I know what you're doing wrong.

You're not doing that as one beat.

- So it's one, two, three, four. - One, two, three, four.

Yeah, but it's left hand though.

One, two, three, four. One, two. One, two.

- One, two, three, four, five, six. - You're a bit stiff.

Just loosen up your body, a bit.

If I wasn't following you I can loosen it.

- I'm really good. - (LAUGHS)

But I don't want you to loosen it without the beats.

Loosen up and be in the beats. You have to do exactly the same step.

KARL: If everyone's doing the same dance, just have one person.

WOMAN: Next. KARL: There's no point.

DIRECTOR: No, it's about being all en masse...

No, but why not just have everyone having a good time?

Doing what they want. The music's there.

At the end of the day, the audience is gonna be looking at that.

I wish I could just come out when they're all doing that,

then I come out and do something different.

Give some energy and just sneak off again like that.

(SPEAKING HINDl)

Dance is meant to be about, you know, expression.

I get something different from the music than what Warwick gets.

There's no way that I'm having it that Warwick's a better dancer than me.

No way. Not in this world.

I mean, look at that.

- Did you see that there? - DIRECTOR: Yeah.

WOMAN: Ah, yes, yes, yes.

KARL: I don't care who you are,

you wouldn't remember that

in the amount of time we had to learn it.

If it's Ted Danson or Bruce Willis, they'd struggle

to do what I've had to take in.

WARWICK: Sometimes that's what it's like when you're in this business,

is you have to sort of...

KARL: What do you mean "this business", you're not a singer and dancer...

WARWICK: No, no, but show business in general.

It's like the show must go on,

whatever happens you got to get out there and deliver,

and it's sort of not about going, "Oh, I can't today."

KARL: It's going to look like the early stages of Britain's Got Talent

- or something. - (WARWICK LAUGHS)

Innit? Proper shit.

WARWICK: When we do this Bollywood thing

just let me sort of take the lead on that, okay?

Yeah, will do.

'Cause, you know, I've had experience with acting.

Oh, here we go.

What you mean, "Here we go?"

It's you and your acting stuff again.

Karl, if we go somewhere where I feel it's your arena,

then of course I would take your lead on it.

I would love to get you in your little bear outfit

on a day like this. Sweating your bollocks off.

WARWICK: Just stop banging on about the bear, right?

Star Wars was a film I did 30 years ago,

and it started my career. Without it I wouldn't have a career.

I mean, I'm remembered for playing an Ewok,

but I'm remembered for a lot more.

But all you see me as is a bear.

All right, an Ewok.

That to me is a bear because Ewoks don't exist.

That's in the sci-fi fantasy world again.

It's just made-up shit. Do you like Harry Potter?

- It's the same thing. - Of course I do.

- I was in all eight of them. - Were you? There you go...

I haven't seen that either.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING IN HINDl)

(MAN SPEAKING)

- In Hollywood? - Yeah.

I haven't been doing anything in Hollywood, recently.

Okay.

- You've not been to Hollywood. - I've been to Hollywood, yeah.

- Hollywood? - Yes, I have.

You haven't been to Hollywood.

Yeah, what about you, Karl?

I'm more of an explorer than an actor.

(MAN SPEAKING)

WARWICK: Thank you.

(MAN SPEAKING)

WARWICK: Uh-huh.

Okay.

Right, your right-hand man, yeah, yeah.

DIRECTOR: I think that's your outfit, Karl.

KARL: So what's me part?

DIRECTOR: In the dance scene you're kind of like a henchman

for the main gangster.

A gangster wouldn't wear that. Again, not believable.

It's like fucking John Inman.

This was all going quite well, okay.

That with that and that...

What's going on here?

They literally took a pair of trousers and they just chopped the ends off.

(MUTTERS) Gangster!

That's just wrong.

So that's what you do with this?

DIRECTOR: It's like a... Yeah.

Honestly, is this...

No gangster's dressing like this.

- What does this look mean? - Very handsome.

Dancing.

Yeah?

- Are you making this up? - Yes.

See, if I could just dance me own way.

MAN: Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

(MAN SPEAKING HINDl)

Do.

MAN 1: Sir, this also very nice. MAN 2: Very nice. Lovely.

Okay, okay.

Very nice, this one...

MAN 1: Oh! Yes! Come on! MAN 2: Yes!

Am I a gangster or some sort of rent boy?

Why have I got bruises and wearing an outfit like this?

I reckon you're gay. I reckon we're both gay.

I think that's something that we haven't been told.

I reckon we're both gay and that's why we're angry.

Because we're part of a gang thing

and we're not allowed to tell anyone that we're gay.

Hello.

- Hi! - Warwick Davis. Nice to meet you.

Shilpa. How are you?

Hi, Karl. Great to see you, Karl.

- He's a very inexperienced guy. - Good to see you.

This is your moment now. Remember the face, sell it, sell it.

MAN: Sound! Roll camera!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Good.

MAN: Very good.

(LAUGHING)

Do that bit from Oliver.

- See, that's good. - What else?

Body-popping. Go for it.

Bend. Now tease them, tease the camera, tease the camera.

Oh, yes! Here she is.

Flirt. Flirt with her. Flirt. Yeah.

This is Jungle Raj.

(MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Scotland Yard? (SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SONG PLAYING)

(MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

What are you going to do about Carli's arrest?

- WARWICK: Yeah, yeah. Do something. - No comments.

- Sir, sir! - Yeah, never any comments, is it?

I wasn't happy with that other take though, I was not happy.

Well, if he's happy.

I'd have liked to have done another one to be honest.

WARWICK: It was chaotic, Karl.

KARL: Yeah, but it was... That's what I like, the freedom

to just sort of mix it up.

WARWICK: It wasn't very professional, was it?

KARL: Compared to what? WARWICK: That I did one take.

I wasn't happy with it, it wasn't great,

and then they move on. Now that's forever on film.

No one's gonna see it.

I'm a professional and I like to get it right.

And that was a shambles. I mean, I don't feel comfortable.

Look at these trousers.

Nothing feels right about this whole thing.

KARL: I thought it looked all right.

(RICKY ON PHONE)

KARL: Jesus Christ! It's like a Primark sale.

KARL: There's a kid being passed through the window here.

Fucking hell, man!

Wow, look at that. The river Ganges.

Thank you.

(BOAT MOTOR STARTS)

KARL: What's going on here?

WARWICK: That's what they call "burning ghats".

That's where they do the cremations.

People come here from all over India

with their dead and they cremate them here.

KARL: You're not gonna be looking at the sun then when this is going on?

Well, in the morning, a lot of people come down to meditate as well

and that sort of thing.

You know, the sunrise is very significant to them.

So, when you die, are you gonna be here?

You wish for this?

What, chucked on a bit of wood like that? You're happy with that?

WARWICK: The awful thing is some people can't afford enough wood

to fully consume the body,

so sometimes there are bits that are left

and then those bits are tossed into the Ganges.

What, half-cooked bodies, sort of, chucked in?

Yeah.

But again, in their belief, it's going into the holy river.

And the holy river will take it on to a better place.

There you are, look. What's that one there now?

WARWICK: Yeah, that will be a body coming into the river.

KARL: Them people are carrying one?

You are joking. There was kids down there swimming.

You can pay a bit more money

for a different sort of wood to be burned with here.

Special wood. It's nonsense.

They say, "Oh, this one's a bit more special so spend some money."

They pressurise you into doing things to rip you off.

You think everything's a con...

Well, it is. That's how the world's evolved.

I'm sure that when it started, it wasn't like that.

There wasn't a bloke there opening up a briefcase with a selection of wood.

"Now what you do if you really love them,

"use this stuff, mahogany. It's your best wood you can get,

"it's going to send them to Heaven faster than any of this other old shit.

"Buy this stuff here." It's a con.

If you're going to Heaven, you are there forever anyway,

so what's the rush in getting there any quicker?

If Heaven does exist I'm worried that I get up there

and there's a load of people who I know

who annoyed me in this life and suddenly you're on this place

with them forever.

People who are a pain in the arse and then suddenly,

"Hiya, Karl. Oh, you're dead, are you?" "Oh, Jesus, you made it, did you?"

Forever.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

KARL: I don't understand travelling to see the sun.

It's exactly the same one.

Let's make the best of it while we're here, yeah?

Yeah.

We want to pitch the tent so it's facing east.

Why?

Well, then we can open up the flaps and watch the sunrise.

The majesty. I think it's that way.

Right, okay, what's...

- Is it meant to be like a dome? - Not really.

Oh, this is the instructions.

Pop that in there. Pop that at the back. Done.

There, look at that, brilliant.

That's all right.

Is this really a two-man tent?

It's got a picture of two men laying in it on the instructions.

I don't think he's that happy.

He was just moaning in there, when I got in there he just was moaning a bit.

I don't wanna force him into doing something,

'cause then it's like bullying, innit?

I don't wanna bully him, if he wants to go in a hotel or something.

It would've been nice to see the sun come up,

but let's knock it on the head.

Well, I don't know, it's...

- What's so awful at the minute? - What?

What's bad? We've got everything we need.

We've got some firewood, we've got a tent.

Well, that's alright then.

No, that's fine then. If you want to stay, yeah. We'll do it then.

As long as you are happy, I was just thinking about you.

That's nice that.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

I can hear voices.

Ravi, are many people here for the sunrise?

KARL: The monks?

Some holy people as well here with us?

Why aren't we annoying them?

Why are they happy to be so close to us?

Why don't they go over that way?

Yeah, it'll be all right and you... They don't like...

You've something in common with them, they don't like crowds

and neither do you.

Yeah, we can meet the holy people because

they could talk about the sunrise and... Yeah?

KARL: If I call up Ricky and just say, "Warwick's had enough..."

But I don't want to be the one that's to blame. Do I?

Why not?

Because I'm not saying that we shouldn't stay here.

What's the worst that can happen?

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Hello, here they are.

KARL: How many of them are there?

He looks like he's drunk a bit.

(MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Yeah. Welcome.

Welcome to the camp.

I don't know what's happening.

Ravi, what's happening here?

Hey, they seem a bit, like, angry?

Yeah, I know that, but what's he on about?

They don't sleep?

KARL: Well, that's what we'll be like in a couple of days.

WARWICK: Can we ask about the sunrise?

Do you enjoy the sun?

He's never up in the morning. He's getting hammered till 3:00am.

He's asleep when the sun comes up.

There is no way he's ever seen the sunrise.

He's off his tits.

Warwick, we can get a hotel, mate, seriously.

Okay, right. Let's knock it on the head.

'Cause this is getting a bit fucking silly, this.

Brilliant, Warwick. "Bring them over," he said, "Bring them over."

Good to have some company.

We're in the middle of nowhere, peace and quiet.

This one doesn't want to be part of it. Look at him.

He's thinking, "Why am I involved in here?"

Why is he here? Why is he knocking about with these?

Is it that tough to make new friends?

See, maybe there's something good in Twitter

and Facebook and MySpace and that.

It gives you a chance to meet new people.

If you live in the middle of nowhere, you're knocking about with knobheads.

I'll tell you what, I'm not staying here tonight.

I'm not interested. I'm not having him as a neighbour.

Bollocks to the sunrise.

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

I'm a little bit disappointed that I didn't get to see that sunrise 'cause...

I don't think I would be coming back here again.

You know, I wanna be there for that moment

and be able to share that with the viewers of the show, as well.

DIRECTOR: We just asked Karl about it

and he said, "Well, if Warwick really wants to go,

"I'll get up and I'll go."

We should go, definitely.

I only did it 'cause, you know, if you were getting up.

I thought if you're witnessing it I best witness it.

So, what do you think of that, it's pretty majestic, isn't it?

KARL: Still burning the bodies.

I wonder how long it takes to get a body cooked...

- You know, to nothingness. - Yeah. I don't know.

Are you meant to wait? If you're there to see them off,

are you meant to wait until it's all gone?

I don't know, Karl.

WARWICK: Look, we've got ash dropping on us here.

KARL: Weird that, innit? WARWICK: Mmm.

That's one person, isn't it?

How fed up are they gonna be having landed on you?

Just a little bit of... Little bit of dead body.

"Oh, I missed the Ganges and landed on Karl.

"After all this way."

Oh, look at it now, the light's reflecting off the Ganges.

I'm not getting anything.

Is that up now then? Can we go or what? Is that fully up?

Yeah. It's fully up.

Next.

WARWICK: Well, I hope you're gonna be a bit more enthusiastic

about what I've got lined up for you next.

Have you heard of the Indian circus?

KARL: No.

WARWICK: It's a big deal out here,

it's a tradition that goes back hundreds of years.

I think we should check it out,

get involved and, you know, maybe even get you onstage.

KARL: (SIGHS) Here we go again.

It's like, any excuse, innit, to get on stage with you.

I'm surprised you haven't got an agent over here,

the amount of work you are taking on.

Here you are. Watch out. Good Jesus!

WARWICK: Here we are. "Welcome Olympic Circus."

Hasn't quite got that excitement that I remember a circus having.

Look at the roof!

Look at the state of this!

WARWICK: Hello. MAN: Hello. Hello.

KARL: Hello. WARWICK: Hello. Montu?

I'm Warwick. Very nice to meet you.

- I'm Karl. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

So, I guess we gotta figure out what Karl's gonna do in the circus.

And you.

Good Jesus!

- Have you ridden a motorbike before? - No. Never been on one.

- Try, you try... - It's not that different to a bike.

- You can ride a bike, can't you? - Rev and go?

- Yes. - I had a go-kart like that.

All right, yeah.

You're having a laugh.

First time on a bike, so I'm not doing that.

- Rope of death? - Yeah.

Oh, my God!

I can't.

Frog act? He's running out of ideas here.

He started off big, he's bringing out a frog.

Do they even have frogs in India? Does anyone even know what that is?

I'm not doing it as a frog.

It's not circus. It's not... Do you know what I mean?

I've never heard of "Amazing Keepy-Uppy Man".

It's never happened.

You've got to find the springy point on these. Hey!

Thank you!

You can do it.

- Thank you very much. - KARL: 'Cause he's smaller.

- It's easier. - It's nothing to do with that.

I'm a born performer.

He's got better chances than me of getting the crowd going.

I'm going to flatten the night.

And I don't know why he doesn't see that.

He must have seen it. I've been asking him on the travels,

"Have you noticed how everyone looks?" He goes, "They're not."

People pretend they don't like to see little oddities. They do.

Not to laugh at. Just 'cause it's different.

Right, somersault, yeah?

- Can you do it? - It's hard, this.

I've never done it before.

Yes!

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

He's looking at Warwick, he's seeing pound signs.

I tell you, we'll have to check the car when we leave

to make sure he hasn't had him.

He might give us one of his. Thinking, "He's getting a bit old now.

"Get him out, get him in."

What time's the frog on?

DIRECTOR: I don't know. But have you established with Warwick

exactly what you're gonna do?

Well, I'm either doing the magic trick or the keepy-uppys.

There's no point in me trying to learn something new.

What do mean, magic trick?

It's the magic trick that I did at school.

The only thing I'm worried about doing the magic trick is

if they're not familiar with the bird thing.

The sort of the hanky...

The crowd, they're all going, what's he doing?

A sort of bird... And then you pull it away.

And there's a bird.

No, it's not a bird. That's how changed it at school.

It's just an egg. And I go, "Oh!

"It's not born yet." That's what I like to do with people.

Come out, they're expecting something,

they're thinking they know what they're gonna get, there's a twist.

what you gonna do? You're not gonna say it's a bird.

You're gonna have a handkerchief in your hand...

- Yeah, I'm gonna say the bird... ...in that massive arena.

- Yes. - This is close-up magic.

And then you're gonna go, "And an egg!"

How are you saying "it isn't born yet"

to people that don't understand English?

How do you say "it isn't born yet"?

(MAN REPLYING IN HINDl)

Is there any English people in the audience?

You don't want to do more than two minutes.

There's only 50 in there. They'll all go, "Get off!"

How about something like Laurel and Hardy?

Do you think they've heard of Laurel and Hardy?

Benny Hill and all that, that's still big in places like this.

- Norman Wisdom. - Slapstick. What's the classic routines?

Oh, yeah. Costumes.

I was gonna say, "Do you think they've got one that fits?" But then...

- We come out, bit of a jog. - Yeah. And we're waving.

Like that. I just bend down there.

- Yeah. - Good.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I respect all forms of performance and entertainment.

But out in the ring, of course, your nerves can take over a bit.

Not for me, for Karl. And he's still got a couple of bits.

- I'm going round again. - Don't milk it.

I'm going round again. I've got to look towards you, don't I?

Oh, come on.

Karl didn't necessarily listen to everything I said.

He kind of takes it in, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." I'm like...

I don't think you're actually listening to me.

Come towards me from the front, so they can see it.

Yeah, come on. Be careful.

(EXCLAIMING)

The reason I don't go to circuses at home is because it's that.

You see, I wouldn't go and watch that. It was more fun being in it.

There's no way I'd be sat in there watching me and him doing that.

It's garbage.

WARWICK: Bloody hell! It's a power cut.

How am I supposed to perform in this?

KARL: I thought it went all right, considering.

We would have lifted the roof off the place if it had had one.

What you're gonna see now, you'll never get the chance to see again.

It's a one-off. More my cup of tea.

They're known as the Spider Sisters.

- The what? - Spider Sisters.

Why are they? Spider girls?

- Siamese... Siamese twins. - Siamese?

- You can't say that. - Who said?

You just don't. That's not what you say any more.

That's where they found them.

It was Ying and Yang, or something. It was two fellas.

Anyway, what's wrong with that?

That's all it's known for. Cats and twins. Siam.

And yet you're happy to take one of the things away

from the country that it's known for.

WARWICK: I don't know why you're so fascinated with it.

Because it's different. It's something different.

I've never seen Siamese twins. I've only seen pictures, photographs.

Come in the beginning bit and have a look.

No, I'm not going in, but I just don't want to be left in the car.

I just wonder, you know, if Warwick wasn't small,

would he be just as keen as me?

Or is he thinking, "Oh, I don't like being looked at

"so I don't want to do it to someone else."

He's getting a bit mobbed there, look.

Jesus, we're in a village that have the Spider Sisters. Look at it.

Hi, everyone. It's bizarre, innit?

Hello. Hello.

We're trying to work out which one's sort of the one in charge, I'm guessing.

It doesn't matter even if they weren't joined. They're still twins.

We're treating them like twins.

If you think about Bros, Matt was the leader, wasn't he?

And that's what I got to do. I got to work out which one

is the lead and then

I'll let the other one get on with whatever she's doing.

What are their names?

- Jamuna and Ganga. - I'm Karl.

Shake that one.

Oh, and that one. Ah, right. Okay.

So you have total control of the top half?

MAN: Yeah.

I'm just gonna wait outside. Let Karl go and ask his questions,

get it out of his system and then we'll be off. Yeah?

I'm not very good with questions.

Not very well, bad gut, bad belly.

(SPEAKING IN HINDl)

Whose stomach? You have one stomach?

One stomach?

He said he had all these questions for them.

He's trying to sound all like journalistic and worthy.

"Oh, I'm gonna ask them what it's like,

"sort of what it feels like to be joined."

But it won't be that at all, will it?

So, if you only have one stomach, who eats?

Do you have the main or do you have the pudding?

How does it work?

(SPEAKING IN HINDl)

That's... Yeah. Weird.

What happens if you wake up early?

You want to get up, go to the toilet,

but you don't want to wake the other one up.

(SPEAKING IN HINDl)

So, she could go out for a drink,

think "What's all the noise?" It's 'cause she's in a pub.

What about boyfriends or that sort of thing?

- No boyfriends? - No.

Why do you smile though, you're looking a bit sheepish.

Both of them, in fact. There's something going on, isn't there?

Who are you seeing? Come on.

Why is that funny? Something's happened recently, innit?

(SPEAKING HINDl)

(LAUGHING)

TRANSLATOR: You said something fishy so they're finding that funny.

Fair enough.

Well, let them get ready for the show. Thank you.

Two heads are better than one. There's a saying. They've got that.

That's a good thing. Maybe that is how the future will be.

That's what we need. More stress in the world, you've got to multitask.

- Hello? - (RICKY ON PHONE)

All right, Ricky?

We sort of took a diversion a bit today. And we've come up to see

some conjoined twins.

Which is obviously, you know, what he likes.

No, I know what you're saying.

Let me get Karl because I think you need to talk to him about this.

I'm gonna get him. Karl, it's Ricky.

- What's he after? - Just want to have a chat.

- Tell him about this. - Hello?

Just everyday questions. I was saying what about birthdays?

How do you buy each other a gift

without knowing what the other one's got you?

They were laughing. They were having a lovely time with me.

Honestly, everyone's worrying.

I said to them, "Do you mind being called Siamese twins?"

They started laughing again.

Yeah, 'cause they're thinking, "Idiot. Ignorant idiot."

- No, they were quite... - (RICKY LAUGHING)

No, there's no...

No. No.

That's it.

The thing is, Ricky, I know what you are saying,

but you should see the crowds here when Warwick was walking down the street.

It's the same thing, people just like seeing

little, sort of, oddities in life.

I'm standing right next to him, Ricky.

That's what humans do, we've evolved.

We learned to stand up, we learned to light fire,

we learned to say "what is that"?

(RICKY LAUGHS)

And that's what I was doing tonight.

Just saying "what's going on here?" I've never seen anything like it.

All right. Anyway, I'm off to see them live. They're doing a show tonight.

Yeah.

It's amazing, they get around, isn't it? So well.

I know, they've got it all mapped out.

Amit, is it okay if I ride them to work?

WARWICK: Taking them to work.

I can't believe this.

Look at him going off like he's some sort of hero now.

Is this good?

He's just left me here. I don't seem to exist at the minute.

He's so tied up in this whole "what's going on",

that I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I just...

I mean, he's just gone off.

He didn't even think to give me a lift.

When it comes to the Spider Sisters, oh, yeah, he'll do anything.

He's probably in there now doing their make-up for 'em,

ready for the show.

Is this where you work?

NARRATOR: Next time on An Idiot Abroad...

It would be good if Warwick was willing

to sit on there and raise some more money.

I'll sit there, white person, bald, they've never seen that before.

They've never seen a little man before.

DIRECTOR: He's offered you and him to perform on stage.

Oh, great.

I'm not just going to go and stand there and have people look.

What are you doing?

Just when I think you've said the weirdest,

stupidest thing ever, you top it!

You sit there, I'll sit behind you, people will come in,

I'll give you a centre parting.

It's just annoying me that we're not having the same experiences.

What, is it the same way you made me share

the experience with the Spider Sisters?

Yeah.

- That isn't that bad. - Don't tell me what it is.

That's a lamb bollock.

KARL: It's a bit funny how I've got the shits and you haven't.

Does this really convince them?

It's just an excuse to dress us up.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

People don't always get what they want.

- My favourite films are Elephant Man... - Yeah.

...and Kes. I don't like happy endings.