All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S03E02.The.Short.Way.Around.India

NARRATOR: Marco Polo,
one of the world's greatest explorers.

In the 13th century, he embarked
on an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to complete.

Now Ricky Gervais is sending
his mate Karl Pilkington

to follow in his footsteps.

But this time he's got a little company.

Will you stop
just puffing and panting like that?

KARL: Jesus Christ!
It's like a Primark sale.

He said if he did it again,
he'd want some company this time.

He meant me,
but I've sent someone in my place.

KARL: Grab hold of that.
WARWICK: I can't see.

RICKY: They are like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.

He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.

RICKY: He says he doesn't want
adventure. He doesn't want stress.

I'm just not a good swimmer.

Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera, tease the camera!

Now do a little bit from Oliver! Good.

It's not the night for this, is it?

- I never had a kite.
- Whoa!

RICKY: They're gonna have
the adventure of their lifetime.

Whether they like it or not.

KARL: Whoa.

NARRATOR: Previously on
An Idiot Abroad...

I've never seen a dwarf

go on a round-the-world trip
on any programme.

Ranulph Fiennes, or whatever
his name is, when he climbed Everest,

he didn't say,
"Here's me little mate I brought."

Karl, what's his height
got to do with it?

Yeah.

I just think you're going to be
a hindrance.

WARWICK: Yeah, but I'm trying to
open your mind

and open your eyes a bit to appreciate

- where we are and what we're doing.
- Fuck me!

Warwick's an actor. That's what he does.
Who is the real Warwick?

He's doing me head in. It's exactly
what I said to you at the start.

- There's nothing here.
- KARL: There's nothing wrong with this.

Of all the people to be moaning
about being in a tight space,

you're not the one.

This is your idea to come to the party.
You go in there.

- Relax.
- KARL: I am relaxed.

- This is good. Touch it, touch it.
- No, I've had enough now.

- KARL: I nearly died!
- You're fine.

I think you need to find yourself, Karl.

Nah. Songs of Praise on a Sunday.
It's well boring.

I don't want to see the old people
dancing around to the Lord's prayer

sticking knives in their head.

- WARWICK: Get me down.
- (LAUGHING)

- Keep hold of that rope.
- (RICKY ON PHONE)

If you offered me a cat now
I'd do a swap.

(RICKY LAUGHING)

(BEEPS)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

WARWICK: I just love
the atmosphere already.

You can feel it.
You can feel the energy, can't you?

- I'm excited to see the hotel.
- You have no idea, have you?

You won't even see the hotel.
Last time I was here I saw more backs

of toilet doors than I've ever seen
in me life.

You sort of want graffiti
for something to read.

I don't intend on using any toilets
while we are out and about.

- (KARL LAUGHS)
- Do everything in the hotel.

- Done for the day.
- No, no control of your arse.

The moment you land in India that is it,
your arse has got a mind of its own.

It just comes with it,
it comes with every meal.

You have a starter, main course,
pudding, shits.

WARWICK: This is lovely, our own palace.

KARL: It's not bad, is it?

WARWICK: Oh, it's gorgeous,
just look at that view. It's stunning.

It's sort of what I expected, I think,
at the moment. It's full of life,

you know, there's a certain energy
you get here and, yeah, I'm enjoying it.

- Has Warwick got that view?
- DIRECTOR: What view?

This view. Has Warwick got that?
Look at it.

It's like they've seen you coming
with all your camera kit

and they think Antiques Roadshow
is here or something.

There's no reason for all this
to be left out here.

It sums up India for me, that.

That's probably why they put those domes
on the Taj Mahal, innit,

to stop people putting shit on his roof.

DIRECTOR: Do you know what
you're doing with Karl then?

Oh, I've been having a look
through the books.

Something caught my eye which was
quite cool. Um, Laughter Yoga.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And it's actually been proven
to cure depression

and sort of lighten the spirit
and the mood.

I'm hoping that Karl's gonna
get involved and have a go at this.

And we may well see a difference in him

over the few days following.

KARL: It's not a place that
I think about coming for a good laugh.

You don't see many "laughy" faces.

And there should be
with what you're wearing.

- It's my yoga pants.
- You're like a fucking Oompa Loompa.

(WARWICK CHUCKLES)

Even though I was laughing
it wasn't a genuine laugh.

It was more of a release of stress.

At the annoyance of Warwick, in a way,
just given a chance to sort of yell out.

It's more of a yell. Far from a laugh.

- DIRECTOR: What makes you laugh?
- I saw a woman walking down the street

with a pram and the baby fell out.

No, it was quite old, it must have been
about three or four or something.

And she was busy on the phone
with a fag on, greasy hair, leggings

and she didn't notice.

She sort of hit the kerb
and it fell out and it made me laugh

and no one else saw it.

So it was like a little private joke
just for me.

That's the problem with the world
these days. You're not allowed to laugh

at things that you shouldn't
really laugh at.

And that's why this is important.
We'll be doing this at home.

'Cause there's nothing you're allowed to
laugh at any more.

(CROWING)

Laughing's dying out.

Crying, everybody's at it. On X- Factor.

Nick Knowles doing DIYSOS,
they give some fellow in a wheelchair

a new kitchen, everyone's at it.

It's like evolution.

We're not laughing any more,
not like we used to.

Definitely not like that.

When do you see old people
laughing at home like that?

It's a different side to India
that I saw last time I was here.

There was no laughing going on there.

And that's a little bit of a niggle,
that he's having quite a nice time.

But I just think you need to find
some shitty things for him as well,

just to give him a taste of that.

And then let's do some
laughing yoga there.

You know what I mean,
when he's shitting his pants.

Let's have a laugh, Warwick.
Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha.

Let's see him laugh then.

Let's see how much this works,

in a toilet with no toilet roll,
no toilet seat, no toilet sometimes,

just a hole. That's what I wanna see.

- (SPEAKING IN HINDl)
- Ready? Smile.

Do it again, do it again,
he was still taking it.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

It's an honour I think, really,
isn't it, to be invited to do that.

I don't know how many western people
get to do that.

I mean, I don't know whether
they've gone for me because,

you know, the name Warwick Davis
to have in a film

is quite cool as well. I don't know.

There's more to acting
than people think,

and I think Karl's under some illusion

that what I do is really easy
and it's just dressing up

and dancing around as silly characters,
which it isn't.

We're here for some rehearsals,
thank you very much.

Just stick with me
and be enthusiastic, okay?

- Well, what are we gonna do?
- New step, new songs.

- New song?
- For a new movie.

I'll show you the steps. One, two,
three, start. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four...

Okay, you just do one thing,
you follow me.

I am.

One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.

You're just missing two or three beats.

From the start. One, two, three, start.

One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.

- One, two, three, four.
- Very good, very nice.

Thank you very much.
I know what you're doing wrong.

You're not doing that as one beat.

- So it's one, two, three, four.
- One, two, three, four.

Yeah, but it's left hand though.

One, two, three, four.
One, two. One, two.

- One, two, three, four, five, six.
- You're a bit stiff.

Just loosen up your body, a bit.

If I wasn't following you
I can loosen it.

- I'm really good.
- (LAUGHS)

But I don't want you to loosen it
without the beats.

Loosen up and be in the beats.
You have to do exactly the same step.

KARL: If everyone's doing
the same dance, just have one person.

WOMAN: Next.
KARL: There's no point.

DIRECTOR:
No, it's about being all en masse...

No, but why not just have everyone
having a good time?

Doing what they want.
The music's there.

At the end of the day, the audience
is gonna be looking at that.

I wish I could just come out
when they're all doing that,

then I come out
and do something different.

Give some energy
and just sneak off again like that.

(SPEAKING HINDl)

Dance is meant to be about,
you know, expression.

I get something different from
the music than what Warwick gets.

There's no way that I'm having it
that Warwick's a better dancer than me.

No way. Not in this world.

I mean, look at that.

- Did you see that there?
- DIRECTOR: Yeah.

WOMAN: Ah, yes, yes, yes.

KARL: I don't care who you are,

you wouldn't remember that

in the amount of time we had
to learn it.

If it's Ted Danson or Bruce Willis,
they'd struggle

to do what I've had to take in.

WARWICK: Sometimes that's what it's like
when you're in this business,

is you have to sort of...

KARL: What do you mean "this business",
you're not a singer and dancer...

WARWICK: No, no,
but show business in general.

It's like the show must go on,

whatever happens you got to
get out there and deliver,

and it's sort of not about going,
"Oh, I can't today."

KARL: It's going to look like the early
stages of Britain's Got Talent

- or something.
- (WARWICK LAUGHS)

Innit? Proper shit.

WARWICK: When we do
this Bollywood thing

just let me sort of take
the lead on that, okay?

Yeah, will do.

'Cause, you know,
I've had experience with acting.

Oh, here we go.

What you mean, "Here we go?"

It's you
and your acting stuff again.

Karl, if we go somewhere
where I feel it's your arena,

then of course I would
take your lead on it.

I would love to get you
in your little bear outfit

on a day like this.
Sweating your bollocks off.

WARWICK: Just stop banging on
about the bear, right?

Star Wars was a film I did
30 years ago,

and it started my career.
Without it I wouldn't have a career.

I mean, I'm remembered
for playing an Ewok,

but I'm remembered for a lot more.

But all you see me as is a bear.

All right, an Ewok.

That to me is a bear
because Ewoks don't exist.

That's in the sci-fi fantasy
world again.

It's just made-up shit.
Do you like Harry Potter?

- It's the same thing.
- Of course I do.

- I was in all eight of them.
- Were you? There you go...

I haven't seen that either.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING IN HINDl)

(MAN SPEAKING)

- In Hollywood?
- Yeah.

I haven't been doing anything
in Hollywood, recently.

Okay.

- You've not been to Hollywood.
- I've been to Hollywood, yeah.

- Hollywood?
- Yes, I have.

You haven't been to Hollywood.

Yeah, what about you, Karl?

I'm more of an explorer than an actor.

(MAN SPEAKING)

WARWICK: Thank you.

(MAN SPEAKING)

WARWICK: Uh-huh.

Okay.

Right, your right-hand man, yeah, yeah.

DIRECTOR: I think
that's your outfit, Karl.

KARL: So what's me part?

DIRECTOR: In the dance scene
you're kind of like a henchman

for the main gangster.

A gangster wouldn't wear that.
Again, not believable.

It's like fucking John Inman.

This was all going quite well, okay.

That with that and that...

What's going on here?

They literally took a pair of trousers
and they just chopped the ends off.

(MUTTERS) Gangster!

That's just wrong.

So that's what you do with this?

DIRECTOR: It's like a... Yeah.

Honestly, is this...

No gangster's dressing like this.

- What does this look mean?
- Very handsome.

Dancing.

Yeah?

- Are you making this up?
- Yes.

See, if I could just dance me own way.

MAN: Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

(MAN SPEAKING HINDl)

Do.

MAN 1: Sir, this also very nice.
MAN 2: Very nice. Lovely.

Okay, okay.

Very nice, this one...

MAN 1: Oh! Yes! Come on!
MAN 2: Yes!

Am I a gangster
or some sort of rent boy?

Why have I got bruises
and wearing an outfit like this?

I reckon you're gay.
I reckon we're both gay.

I think that's something
that we haven't been told.

I reckon we're both gay
and that's why we're angry.

Because we're part of a gang thing

and we're not allowed
to tell anyone that we're gay.

Hello.

- Hi!
- Warwick Davis. Nice to meet you.

Shilpa. How are you?

Hi, Karl. Great to see you, Karl.

- He's a very inexperienced guy.
- Good to see you.

This is your moment now.
Remember the face, sell it, sell it.

MAN: Sound! Roll camera!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Good.

MAN: Very good.

(LAUGHING)

Do that bit from Oliver.

- See, that's good.
- What else?

Body-popping. Go for it.

Bend. Now tease them,
tease the camera, tease the camera.

Oh, yes! Here she is.

Flirt. Flirt with her. Flirt. Yeah.

This is Jungle Raj.

(MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Scotland Yard?
(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(SONG PLAYING)

(MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

What are you going to do
about Carli's arrest?

- WARWICK: Yeah, yeah. Do something.
- No comments.

- Sir, sir!
- Yeah, never any comments, is it?

I wasn't happy with that
other take though, I was not happy.

Well, if he's happy.

I'd have liked to have done
another one to be honest.

WARWICK: It was chaotic, Karl.

KARL: Yeah, but it was...
That's what I like, the freedom

to just sort of mix it up.

WARWICK: It wasn't
very professional, was it?

KARL: Compared to what?
WARWICK: That I did one take.

I wasn't happy with it,
it wasn't great,

and then they move on.
Now that's forever on film.

No one's gonna see it.

I'm a professional
and I like to get it right.

And that was a shambles.
I mean, I don't feel comfortable.

Look at these trousers.

Nothing feels right
about this whole thing.

KARL: I thought it looked all right.

(RICKY ON PHONE)

KARL: Jesus Christ!
It's like a Primark sale.

KARL: There's a kid being passed
through the window here.

Fucking hell, man!

Wow, look at that. The river Ganges.

Thank you.

(BOAT MOTOR STARTS)

KARL: What's going on here?

WARWICK: That's what
they call "burning ghats".

That's where they do the cremations.

People come here from all over India

with their dead
and they cremate them here.

KARL: You're not gonna be looking
at the sun then when this is going on?

Well, in the morning, a lot of people
come down to meditate as well

and that sort of thing.

You know, the sunrise is
very significant to them.

So, when you die,
are you gonna be here?

You wish for this?

What, chucked on a bit of wood
like that? You're happy with that?

WARWICK: The awful thing is
some people can't afford enough wood

to fully consume the body,

so sometimes there are bits
that are left

and then those bits are tossed
into the Ganges.

What, half-cooked bodies, sort of,
chucked in?

Yeah.

But again, in their belief,
it's going into the holy river.

And the holy river will take it on
to a better place.

There you are, look.
What's that one there now?

WARWICK: Yeah, that will be a body
coming into the river.

KARL: Them people are carrying one?

You are joking.
There was kids down there swimming.

You can pay a bit more money

for a different sort of wood
to be burned with here.

Special wood. It's nonsense.

They say, "Oh, this one's
a bit more special so spend some money."

They pressurise you into doing things
to rip you off.

You think everything's a con...

Well, it is.
That's how the world's evolved.

I'm sure that when it started,
it wasn't like that.

There wasn't a bloke there opening up
a briefcase with a selection of wood.

"Now what you do
if you really love them,

"use this stuff, mahogany.
It's your best wood you can get,

"it's going to send them to Heaven
faster than any of this other old shit.

"Buy this stuff here." It's a con.

If you're going to Heaven,
you are there forever anyway,

so what's the rush
in getting there any quicker?

If Heaven does exist
I'm worried that I get up there

and there's a load of people who I know

who annoyed me in this life
and suddenly you're on this place

with them forever.

People who are a pain in the arse
and then suddenly,

"Hiya, Karl. Oh, you're dead, are you?"
"Oh, Jesus, you made it, did you?"

Forever.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(RICKY ON PHONE)

KARL: I don't understand
travelling to see the sun.

It's exactly the same one.

Let's make the best of it
while we're here, yeah?

Yeah.

We want to pitch the tent
so it's facing east.

Why?

Well, then we can open up the flaps
and watch the sunrise.

The majesty. I think it's that way.

Right, okay, what's...

- Is it meant to be like a dome?
- Not really.

Oh, this is the instructions.

Pop that in there.
Pop that at the back. Done.

There, look at that, brilliant.

That's all right.

Is this really a two-man tent?

It's got a picture of two men
laying in it on the instructions.

I don't think he's that happy.

He was just moaning in there, when I got
in there he just was moaning a bit.

I don't wanna force him
into doing something,

'cause then it's like bullying, innit?

I don't wanna bully him, if he wants
to go in a hotel or something.

It would've been nice
to see the sun come up,

but let's knock it on the head.

Well, I don't know, it's...

- What's so awful at the minute?
- What?

What's bad?
We've got everything we need.

We've got some firewood,
we've got a tent.

Well, that's alright then.

No, that's fine then. If you want
to stay, yeah. We'll do it then.

As long as you are happy,
I was just thinking about you.

That's nice that.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

I can hear voices.

Ravi, are many people here
for the sunrise?

KARL: The monks?

Some holy people as well here with us?

Why aren't we annoying them?

Why are they happy
to be so close to us?

Why don't they go over that way?

Yeah, it'll be all right and you...
They don't like...

You've something in common with them,
they don't like crowds

and neither do you.

Yeah, we can meet
the holy people because

they could talk about the sunrise
and... Yeah?

KARL: If I call up Ricky and just say,
"Warwick's had enough..."

But I don't want to be the one
that's to blame. Do I?

Why not?

Because I'm not saying
that we shouldn't stay here.

What's the worst that can happen?

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Hello, here they are.

KARL: How many of them are there?

He looks like he's drunk a bit.

(MAN SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Yeah. Welcome.

Welcome to the camp.

I don't know what's happening.

Ravi, what's happening here?

Hey, they seem a bit, like, angry?

Yeah, I know that,
but what's he on about?

They don't sleep?

KARL: Well, that's what we'll be like
in a couple of days.

WARWICK: Can we ask about the sunrise?

Do you enjoy the sun?

He's never up in the morning.
He's getting hammered till 3:00am.

He's asleep when the sun comes up.

There is no way
he's ever seen the sunrise.

He's off his tits.

Warwick, we can get a hotel,
mate, seriously.

Okay, right.
Let's knock it on the head.

'Cause this is getting
a bit fucking silly, this.

Brilliant, Warwick. "Bring them over,"
he said, "Bring them over."

Good to have some company.

We're in the middle of nowhere,
peace and quiet.

This one doesn't want to be part of it.
Look at him.

He's thinking,
"Why am I involved in here?"

Why is he here?
Why is he knocking about with these?

Is it that tough to make new friends?

See, maybe there's something good
in Twitter

and Facebook and MySpace and that.

It gives you a chance
to meet new people.

If you live in the middle of nowhere,
you're knocking about with knobheads.

I'll tell you what,
I'm not staying here tonight.

I'm not interested.
I'm not having him as a neighbour.

Bollocks to the sunrise.

(SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

I'm a little bit disappointed that I
didn't get to see that sunrise 'cause...

I don't think I would be
coming back here again.

You know, I wanna be there
for that moment

and be able to share that
with the viewers of the show, as well.

DIRECTOR: We just asked Karl about it

and he said,
"Well, if Warwick really wants to go,

"I'll get up and I'll go."

We should go, definitely.

I only did it 'cause, you know,
if you were getting up.

I thought if you're witnessing it
I best witness it.

So, what do you think of that,
it's pretty majestic, isn't it?

KARL: Still burning the bodies.

I wonder how long it takes
to get a body cooked...

- You know, to nothingness.
- Yeah. I don't know.

Are you meant to wait?
If you're there to see them off,

are you meant to wait
until it's all gone?

I don't know, Karl.

WARWICK: Look, we've got ash
dropping on us here.

KARL: Weird that, innit?
WARWICK: Mmm.

That's one person, isn't it?

How fed up are they gonna be
having landed on you?

Just a little bit of...
Little bit of dead body.

"Oh, I missed the Ganges
and landed on Karl.

"After all this way."

Oh, look at it now,
the light's reflecting off the Ganges.

I'm not getting anything.

Is that up now then? Can we go or what?
Is that fully up?

Yeah. It's fully up.

Next.

WARWICK: Well, I hope you're gonna be
a bit more enthusiastic

about what I've got lined up
for you next.

Have you heard of the Indian circus?

KARL: No.

WARWICK: It's a big deal out here,

it's a tradition that goes back
hundreds of years.

I think we should check it out,

get involved and, you know,
maybe even get you onstage.

KARL: (SIGHS) Here we go again.

It's like, any excuse, innit,
to get on stage with you.

I'm surprised you haven't
got an agent over here,

the amount of work you are taking on.

Here you are. Watch out. Good Jesus!

WARWICK: Here we are.
"Welcome Olympic Circus."

Hasn't quite got that excitement
that I remember a circus having.

Look at the roof!

Look at the state of this!

WARWICK: Hello.
MAN: Hello. Hello.

KARL: Hello.
WARWICK: Hello. Montu?

I'm Warwick. Very nice to meet you.

- I'm Karl. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

So, I guess we gotta figure out
what Karl's gonna do in the circus.

And you.

Good Jesus!

- Have you ridden a motorbike before?
- No. Never been on one.

- Try, you try...
- It's not that different to a bike.

- You can ride a bike, can't you?
- Rev and go?

- Yes.
- I had a go-kart like that.

All right, yeah.

You're having a laugh.

First time on a bike,
so I'm not doing that.

- Rope of death?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God!

I can't.

Frog act?
He's running out of ideas here.

He started off big,
he's bringing out a frog.

Do they even have frogs in India?
Does anyone even know what that is?

I'm not doing it as a frog.

It's not circus. It's not...
Do you know what I mean?

I've never heard of
"Amazing Keepy-Uppy Man".

It's never happened.

You've got to find the springy point
on these. Hey!

Thank you!

You can do it.

- Thank you very much.
- KARL: 'Cause he's smaller.

- It's easier.
- It's nothing to do with that.

I'm a born performer.

He's got better chances than me
of getting the crowd going.

I'm going to flatten the night.

And I don't know why
he doesn't see that.

He must have seen it.
I've been asking him on the travels,

"Have you noticed how everyone looks?"
He goes, "They're not."

People pretend they don't like to see
little oddities. They do.

Not to laugh at.
Just 'cause it's different.

Right, somersault, yeah?

- Can you do it?
- It's hard, this.

I've never done it before.

Yes!

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

He's looking at Warwick,
he's seeing pound signs.

I tell you, we'll have to
check the car when we leave

to make sure he hasn't had him.

He might give us one of his.
Thinking, "He's getting a bit old now.

"Get him out, get him in."

What time's the frog on?

DIRECTOR: I don't know.
But have you established with Warwick

exactly what you're gonna do?

Well, I'm either doing the magic trick
or the keepy-uppys.

There's no point in me
trying to learn something new.

What do mean, magic trick?

It's the magic trick
that I did at school.

The only thing I'm worried about
doing the magic trick is

if they're not familiar
with the bird thing.

The sort of the hanky...

The crowd, they're all going,
what's he doing?

A sort of bird...
And then you pull it away.

And there's a bird.

No, it's not a bird.
That's how changed it at school.

It's just an egg. And I go, "Oh!

"It's not born yet."
That's what I like to do with people.

Come out, they're expecting something,

they're thinking they know what
they're gonna get, there's a twist.

what you gonna do?
You're not gonna say it's a bird.

You're gonna have a handkerchief
in your hand...

- Yeah, I'm gonna say the bird...
...in that massive arena.

- Yes.
- This is close-up magic.

And then you're gonna go,
"And an egg!"

How are you saying
"it isn't born yet"

to people that don't understand English?

How do you say "it isn't born yet"?

(MAN REPLYING IN HINDl)

Is there any English people
in the audience?

You don't want to do
more than two minutes.

There's only 50 in there.
They'll all go, "Get off!"

How about something
like Laurel and Hardy?

Do you think
they've heard of Laurel and Hardy?

Benny Hill and all that,
that's still big in places like this.

- Norman Wisdom.
- Slapstick. What's the classic routines?

Oh, yeah. Costumes.

I was gonna say, "Do you think
they've got one that fits?" But then...

- We come out, bit of a jog.
- Yeah. And we're waving.

Like that. I just bend down there.

- Yeah.
- Good.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I respect all forms of performance
and entertainment.

But out in the ring, of course,
your nerves can take over a bit.

Not for me, for Karl.
And he's still got a couple of bits.

- I'm going round again.
- Don't milk it.

I'm going round again.
I've got to look towards you, don't I?

Oh, come on.

Karl didn't necessarily listen
to everything I said.

He kind of takes it in,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I'm like...

I don't think
you're actually listening to me.

Come towards me from the front,
so they can see it.

Yeah, come on. Be careful.

(EXCLAIMING)

The reason I don't go to circuses
at home is because it's that.

You see, I wouldn't go and watch that.
It was more fun being in it.

There's no way I'd be sat in there
watching me and him doing that.

It's garbage.

WARWICK: Bloody hell!
It's a power cut.

How am I supposed to perform in this?

KARL: I thought it went all right,
considering.

We would have lifted the roof
off the place if it had had one.

What you're gonna see now, you'll
never get the chance to see again.

It's a one-off. More my cup of tea.

They're known as the Spider Sisters.

- The what?
- Spider Sisters.

Why are they? Spider girls?

- Siamese... Siamese twins.
- Siamese?

- You can't say that.
- Who said?

You just don't.
That's not what you say any more.

That's where they found them.

It was Ying and Yang, or something.
It was two fellas.

Anyway, what's wrong with that?

That's all it's known for.
Cats and twins. Siam.

And yet you're happy to take
one of the things away

from the country that it's known for.

WARWICK: I don't know why
you're so fascinated with it.

Because it's different.
It's something different.

I've never seen Siamese twins.
I've only seen pictures, photographs.

Come in the beginning bit
and have a look.

No, I'm not going in, but I just
don't want to be left in the car.

I just wonder, you know,
if Warwick wasn't small,

would he be just as keen as me?

Or is he thinking,
"Oh, I don't like being looked at

"so I don't want to do it
to someone else."

He's getting a bit mobbed there, look.

Jesus, we're in a village that have
the Spider Sisters. Look at it.

Hi, everyone. It's bizarre, innit?

Hello. Hello.

We're trying to work out which one's
sort of the one in charge, I'm guessing.

It doesn't matter even if they
weren't joined. They're still twins.

We're treating them like twins.

If you think about Bros,
Matt was the leader, wasn't he?

And that's what I got to do.
I got to work out which one

is the lead and then

I'll let the other one get on
with whatever she's doing.

What are their names?

- Jamuna and Ganga.
- I'm Karl.

Shake that one.

Oh, and that one. Ah, right. Okay.

So you have total control
of the top half?

MAN: Yeah.

I'm just gonna wait outside.
Let Karl go and ask his questions,

get it out of his system
and then we'll be off. Yeah?

I'm not very good with questions.

Not very well, bad gut, bad belly.

(SPEAKING IN HINDl)

Whose stomach? You have one stomach?

One stomach?

He said he had
all these questions for them.

He's trying to sound all like
journalistic and worthy.

"Oh, I'm gonna ask them what it's like,

"sort of what it feels like
to be joined."

But it won't be that at all, will it?

So, if you only have one stomach,
who eats?

Do you have the main
or do you have the pudding?

How does it work?

(SPEAKING IN HINDl)

That's... Yeah. Weird.

What happens if you wake up early?

You want to get up, go to the toilet,

but you don't want to
wake the other one up.

(SPEAKING IN HINDl)

So, she could go out for a drink,

think "What's all the noise?"
It's 'cause she's in a pub.

What about boyfriends
or that sort of thing?

- No boyfriends?
- No.

Why do you smile though,
you're looking a bit sheepish.

Both of them, in fact.
There's something going on, isn't there?

Who are you seeing? Come on.

Why is that funny?
Something's happened recently, innit?

(SPEAKING HINDl)

(LAUGHING)

TRANSLATOR: You said something fishy
so they're finding that funny.

Fair enough.

Well, let them get ready for the show.
Thank you.

Two heads are better than one.
There's a saying. They've got that.

That's a good thing.
Maybe that is how the future will be.

That's what we need. More stress
in the world, you've got to multitask.

- Hello?
- (RICKY ON PHONE)

All right, Ricky?

We sort of took a diversion a bit today.
And we've come up to see

some conjoined twins.

Which is obviously, you know,
what he likes.

No, I know what you're saying.

Let me get Karl because I think
you need to talk to him about this.

I'm gonna get him. Karl, it's Ricky.

- What's he after?
- Just want to have a chat.

- Tell him about this.
- Hello?

Just everyday questions.
I was saying what about birthdays?

How do you buy each other a gift

without knowing what
the other one's got you?

They were laughing.
They were having a lovely time with me.

Honestly, everyone's worrying.

I said to them, "Do you mind
being called Siamese twins?"

They started laughing again.

Yeah, 'cause they're thinking,
"Idiot. Ignorant idiot."

- No, they were quite...
- (RICKY LAUGHING)

No, there's no...

No. No.

That's it.

The thing is, Ricky,
I know what you are saying,

but you should see the crowds here when
Warwick was walking down the street.

It's the same thing,
people just like seeing

little, sort of, oddities in life.

I'm standing right next to him, Ricky.

That's what humans do, we've evolved.

We learned to stand up,
we learned to light fire,

we learned to say "what is that"?

(RICKY LAUGHS)

And that's what I was doing tonight.

Just saying "what's going on here?"
I've never seen anything like it.

All right. Anyway, I'm off to see them
live. They're doing a show tonight.

Yeah.

It's amazing, they get around, isn't it?
So well.

I know, they've got it all mapped out.

Amit, is it okay if I ride them to work?

WARWICK: Taking them to work.

I can't believe this.

Look at him going off
like he's some sort of hero now.

Is this good?

He's just left me here.
I don't seem to exist at the minute.

He's so tied up in this whole
"what's going on",

that I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say. I just...

I mean, he's just gone off.

He didn't even think to give me a lift.

When it comes to the Spider Sisters,
oh, yeah, he'll do anything.

He's probably in there now
doing their make-up for 'em,

ready for the show.

Is this where you work?

NARRATOR: Next time on
An Idiot Abroad...

It would be good if Warwick was willing

to sit on there
and raise some more money.

I'll sit there, white person, bald,
they've never seen that before.

They've never seen a little man before.

DIRECTOR: He's offered you
and him to perform on stage.

Oh, great.

I'm not just going to go and stand there
and have people look.

What are you doing?

Just when I think
you've said the weirdest,

stupidest thing ever, you top it!

You sit there, I'll sit behind you,
people will come in,

I'll give you a centre parting.

It's just annoying me that we're not
having the same experiences.

What, is it the same way
you made me share

the experience with the Spider Sisters?

Yeah.

- That isn't that bad.
- Don't tell me what it is.

That's a lamb bollock.

KARL: It's a bit funny how
I've got the shits and you haven't.

Does this really convince them?

It's just an excuse to dress us up.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

People don't always get what they want.

- My favourite films are Elephant Man...
- Yeah.

...and Kes.
I don't like happy endings.