All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s03e03 New Friend.eng

oh, for god's sake,
just use a toothpick.

done.
sesame seed dislodged.

oh, put it back
and i divorce you.

i divorce you.

you won.

did i?

okay, i bet jeff will know.
- it's not important.

who's that actor who's
in all those movies?

a little early
in the morning for this.

no, he was in one of the speeds.
- bus or boat?

bus, but not the main guy.
- jeff daniels.

yes. i told you he'd know.

super, now we can move on with our lives.
- what about jeff daniels?

oh, i just saw a guy
who kind of looked like him.

for my time.

hey, jeff.
- brad. this is my wife audrey.

these are our friends adam and jennifer.
i met brad at the gym.

he had my back in a fight.
- it wasn't exactly a fight.

we banded together against a pregnant
woman who wanted to watch the view.

all she got was a view
of us watching sports.

we make a good team.
- they should make a buddy cop show about us.

it'd be like a lethal weapon.
it's got a black guy, a white guy.

i'll be the black guy.

i never get
to be the black guy.

oh, you know who'd be good on that show?
who's that short guy? the one that's funny?

maybe just look
at a menu for a bit.

hey, if you're interested,

some pals and i are getting together at sports bar
to watch the first play-off game. you're welcome to join.

sports and bar.
my two favorite words.

where's the word "wife" on that list?

right between
"refill" and "bacon".

i'll text you the details.
nice to have met you.

see ya, jeffrey.

i gotta say, i'm
a little proud of myself.

before you met me, you never
would've had a friend like brad.

what are you talking about?
i got a bunch of black friends.

the knicks
are not your friends.

not the way
they're playing now.

i meant a gay friend.
- what?

who's gay?

what do you mean gay?

i think brad
might be gay.

yeah, i got
that vibe too.

why? was he checking me out?
he was checking me out, wasn't he?

no, he was, you probably just didn't notice it.
i mean i get that kind of heat all the time.

yes, and it's not weird
at all that you're proud of it.

sorry to disappoint you,
but brad's not gay. he just got married.

really?
- yeah, up in boston.

oh, where it's legal
to pronounce a couple "husband and husband".

come on.
- well have you met his wife?

no, she's out of town.
- what's her name?

i think jackie.
- oh, like jackie gleason.

jackie robinson.
- jackie chan.

jackie-- that's the short guy
that i was thinking of.

look, brad's not gay.
i could tell.

how?
- because we showered in a room full of guys

and he didn't... react.

oh, you checked?

no,
just shut up.

he did call you jeffrey.

the only other person who calls you that is that guy
who lives upstairs who puts the sweater on his poodle.

and when he left, he did say,
"nice to have met you." that's kind of gay.

how do you figure?
- it's just so charming.

well, well, well...
if it isn't the table where happiness goes to die.

this is me
new special friend, amanda.

why don't you grab that booth over there, honey.
i'll be there in two seconds.

okay.
nice to meet you.

that's how straight people say it.

take a good look
at what she's wearing.

hopefully she'll be wearing the same thing tomorrow
morning when she stumbles out of my apartment.

well you better set an alarm.
you wouldn't want her to miss homeroom.

what are you going to do all day?
lay low, dodge the amber alert?

seriously russell,
she's young enough to be your daughter.

well that wraps up another edition
of "you think it's a shot,

i take it as a compliment."

hey, buddy. you gonna
to saddle up?

no, today i'm gonna do some weights.
i got to feed the pythons.

what do you think of that?
- nice.

really?
good to know.

you don't see spandex
like that anymore.

yeah, you don't.

that's a lot of weight.
- oh, it's mostly muscle.

i meant on the bar.
i better spot you.

one...

two...

three!

i'm going to skip it.

not feeling it today?
- oh, i felt it a little.

hope you're feeling it tonight.
i'm looking forward to the game.

hey is jackie coming?

no, jackie is not
into sports.

and neither is my--

person i'm in a
committed relationship with.

your wife?
- yeah.

i call her my... person i'm in
a committed relationship with.

pet name.

what do you call yours?
- my husband.

and she doesn't mind that?

you know i'm gay, right?
- of course, you're gay as hell.

because for a second, it sounded like you
thought jackie was a woman.

a woman? no, no, jackie is a dude.
just like you.

otherwise it would
be pretty awkward.

well there's nothing more
awkward than being gay as hell

and finding out the guy
you're married to is straight.

oh please,
if i had a nickel.

anyway, i'll see you later.

hey, you still got the weight.

it's mostly muscle.

right.
so then i said to the limo driver,

"if this thing's a stretch,
i'm shaquille o'neal."

that's funny.
- yeah it is,

'cause i'm clearly not him.

i like you, russell.

most guys wouldn't hang in there after only
getting a peck on the cheek the first two dates.

well... i think it's very important
to get to know someone

emotionally before getting physical.

physical, of course, still
what we're working toward.

well, good things come
to those who wait.

well let me take
your order, 'cause i'm a waiter.

i'll get us some more wine.

i'll be right here
in the waiting room.

hey, who's this woman
in the picture here with you?

oh, that's my mother.

hey, uh... remember when audrey said
amanda was young enough to be my daughter?

yeah, she may be.
she may literally be my daughter.

how is that possible?
- i saw a picture of her mom,

it's some girl i had a
one-nighter with back in college.

oh, my god.
you went to college?

so you and amanda haven't already?
- no... no, no, no.

so i'm either proud
my little girl's not a slut,

or pissed that the ice queen's
not giving it up.

did she like freak out when you
told her about you and her mother?

dude, i didn't tell her.
- why not?

'cause i don't want to ruin any future sex
i may be having with her if she's not my daughter.

that is beautiful.

does she know who the father is?
- i don't know,

her mom says her real dad's just
some scumball that she hooked up with,

and she's embarrassed
she ever slept with him.

so that fits.

i know, right?

this is weird.
for you weird, i mean.

like-like something that's
weird for regular people

is normal for you, you know.

something that is weird for you has
to be off the charts deranged.

yeah, okay, i have a grasp
of the situation, thanks.

so you can't
date her anymore.

no, no, no... not until i get
the test results of the dna from the lab.

this lab of yours, i assume you
have them on a monthly rate?

are you going "csi"?
- oh, yeah. full on.

i got a hair sample
from her brush,

and for comparison,
a semen sample from me.

also from her brush?

why didn't you just
give them a hair sample too?

oh, that's real fun.

how was the gym?
- gym.

good.

was brad there?

so?

so...

you were right.

i told you so, jeffrey.

you don't have
to hold it over my head,

like brad did
this morning.

i am proud of you.
you made yourself a gay friend.

well... it would have saved some
confusion if he was a little more up front about it.

why? when you meet people,
do you say, "hi, i'm jeff. i'm straight"?

oh, please. when the sun
meets people, does it say,

"hi, i'm the sun. i'm hot"?

it's hard to argue with a sentence
that begins "when the sun meets people."

look i'm going to order a large pizza for the game.
what would you like on your slice?

make it something i like,
just in case.

i thought you were watching
the game at the bar with brad.

i don't feel
like going out.

so you're canceling
on brad because he's gay?

what? no.

i don't care what people do
in their own bedrooms,

i could do without their
parades screwing up traffic.

but whatever. the irish and
puerto ricans do that too.

why don't you complain
when the mets have a parade?

because they won something.

they don't have
a parade just to say,

"we're here. we play baseball.
get used to it."

please tell me you don't talk
like this outside our apartment.

i may, i don't
always listen to myself.

well you should, jeff.
because you sound kind of homophobic.

you were going to watch the game with brad.
you found out he was gay. you cancelled.

not because he was gay.

then why?
- because we have nothing in common.

you have watching
the game in common.

it would be like watching it with
someone who speaks a different language.

if i watched with a french guy, i'd be like,
"great play". and he'd be like,

"ooh-la-la... camembert... souffle".

tell yourself anything you want. i think you just
don't want to hang out with a gay person.

or a french person.

it's not like we're
going to be buddies.

what if we're at the diner with
the guys complaing about women?

what's poor brad gonna do?

why don't you just
not complain about women?

that's not really
up to me, is it?

all right, yay or nay
on this pie?

unbelievable.
- what?

you!
you are homophobic.

that is ridiculous.
- no, you know damn well

if brad were straight
you would be at that bar tonight.

and the fact that you're not,
that makes you a homophobe.

all right,
that's it.

where are you going?
- i gonna go watch the game with brad and all his gay pals.

so that you will see
that i am not a homophobe.

i am a homo-friend.

this place is sweet.
thanks for inviting me.

well, i didn't want you to waste
that "heat-seeking" shirt.

thanks, i just got this.
it's actually a cotton-poly blend, but--

shut up.

glad you came along. nice shirt.
- thanks, man.

getting a little hot
in here, isn't it?

the game started yet?
- no...

fergie just finished
dry-humping the national anthem.

"oh say can you
see the botox"?

fergie.

william, roger...
adam, jeffrey.

jeff, just jeff.
no 'frey.

jeff and i belong
to the same club.

health club, you know gym.
my wife's a member there too.

my wife audrey.
woman.

jeff is straight, in case
anyone missed that sledgehammer.

i'll go get us some drinks.
- i'll go with you.

hold on a second, i want
to ask you something.

come here.

what do you think
about adam and roger?

eh, no, no,
adam's not gay.

are you sure?

no, i'm not.

i just can't tell anymore.

and that haircut doesn't
exactly scream, "i like girls."

beers for you guys...
and i decided to try a sea breeze.

doesn't that drink come
with a blouse?

of course not,
and why would it?

in fact,
let me try that.

wow, that is refreshing.
brad, would you like to try?

really? and get to be
the third mouth on that straw?

maybe the bus boy with the cold
sore should get in there first.

check out that play.

oh, i got that guy on my fantasy team.
- you know, jeff plays fantasy baseball.

who's on your team?

well, i just got a-rod.
i didn't just get a rod.

i just picked up alex rodriguez.
i didn't pick him up,

i traded for him.

so to sum it up, you have alex rodriguez,
you don't have an erection.

that is
my current status.

oh, jeez,
too much head.

god,
excuse me.

what was that? did you have a stroke or something?
- why a-rod?

why couldn't i
have said albert pujols?

pujols,
that's worse than a-rod.

you're freaking yourself out.
- i don't know what's happening.

look, in my ears,
everything i say sounds wrong.

well, and in
everyone else's ears too.

maybe audrey was right.
maybe i am uncomfortable around gay people.

mm, doesn't seem like a picnic
for them either.

i gotta get out of here before i say
something really stupid.

well, then you better
leave ten minutes ago.

are you coming?
- hell no, i still got half a breeze left.

where are you going?

you know what...

audrey just called,
and she wants me home.

i am so disappointed. i didn't think
you were that kind of guy.

i'm sorry, but my father
was very old-fashioned--

dude, you are so whipped.

what?
- well, your wife called,

and you come running home.
i told jackie i was working late tonight.

right, i am that kind of guy.

you lied to jackie?

his parents are in town.
i needed a break.

no, no, i get it.
by the way, i am not whipped.

i lie to audrey all the time.

yeah, well what are you using now? 'cause jackie's
starting to catch on to the "working late" thing.

well i've had some success
with "broken down subway",

and "stuck in elevator"

and a "fight with hot dog vendor",
that one's often not a lie.

how do you keep track of all of them?
- i keep a chart in my wallet.

i would very much like to see that.

buy me a beer
and i'll show it to you.

all right, but after the beer
do i still get to see the chart?

that's some
good gay humor there.

yes, i know i've called twice,
but i'm kind of anxious for the results.

all right, fine. but if this were in las vegas,
grissom would've cracked this case hours ago.

oh, hey, amanda.
what're you doing here?

well, like i said,
"good things come to those who wait."

and you've waited, so...

oh, holy moly.

it's time
for your good thing.

okay, come to daddy.
oh, wait, that's right, that's right.

what's the matter?
- i don't know, maybe nothing. probably, i'm not sure yet.

you seem confused.

no, it's just right now
my brain is making decisions

that are usually
made elsewhere.

maybe this will
help clear things up.

cover yourself up, young lady!

is this a role-playing thing?
- well if it were up to me, of course it would be.

but it's just
not a good time. sorry.

come on! i'm here.
barely wearing anything...

wanting you.
- no, not there.

you know, my house,
my rules, so...

russell, are you not
attracted to me?

no, of course i am.
i mean i should be, probably.

you know depending
on how it turns out.

um, i think i'm going to have to call it a night.
so i'll have to ask you to leave.

but why?

because i said so, missy,
that's why. now scoot.

i'm sorry.

guess i'll go prepare
another sample for the lab.

yes, it does back up traffic,
as do all parades.

but i wouldn't know who
to talk to about that.

so i have another question.
- all right.

but not another one
about anderson cooper.

with two guys, you guys must be
pretty much doing it all the time, right?

with no woman there to say no.

it's still a marriage.
there's always someone there to say no.

so when you're done with sex, does one of you want
to cuddle and the other one wants to watch sportscenter?

yeah, like, does jackie
get upset when you leave the toilet seat up?

why don't you write
all these down, and i'll get back to you.

excuse me, can i get a vanilla sundae?
no nuts please. thank you.

wow, no nuts is right, sea breeze.

try not to spill any
on your panties.

hey, i switched back to beer.

yeah, after the
white wine spritzer.

roger bought that for me.
it would've been rude not to drink it.

hey...got the results
of the dna test.

russell, this is brad. he's gay.

brad, this is russell.
he almost slept with his own daughter.

and i made you uncomfortable?

well, is she your daughter?

i don't know.
i haven't opened it.

and i'm not going to.
- why not?

i don't want
to know either way.

if it is my daughter,
clearly the mom doesn't want me in her life.

and i have
to respect that.

and if it isn't...
i'd just be disappointed.

the thought of having a child
might give some meaning to my life.

she's not your daughter.
- gotta go.

so, anyway, now
that we're getting married,

i've decided to stop getting
heat from other people.

oh, thanks, sweetie.

i only hope i can give you
all the heat that you deserve.

i know you'll try your best.

here you go, sweetie.

i can't turn it off.

guess where my evolved,
open-minded husband just was.

playing basketball with his new gay friend.
- wow, is he any good?

surprisingly,
not a great ball-handler.

jeff, no more gay jokes.
- okay.

what are you drinking?

it's a virgin sea breeze.

go ahead.

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