All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s03e01 Secret.eng

Remember on your birthday how
you asked me for something special?

Oh my God!
You're taking me to Cancun!

Not that birthday.

You bought those diamond earrings from Tiffany's?
- Not... Special.

How many birthdays are going back, Jeff?
I'm no longer interested in seeing The Go-Go's.

That was never gonna happen.

Whatever it is, I'm sure I will love it
or whatever I exchange it for.

You're not gonna want
to exchange this, my friend.

Fifth row center for a little
Broadway offering called Wicked.

You're kidding!

I can't believe you remembered.

It's been like four years.

It's great. They probably
worked out the kinks by now.

What made you think of this?

Well, I was in that neighborhood where there's
theater after theater, all the theaters...

What's it called down there?

The theater district?

No, it'll come to me.

Anyway. Looked up,
saw the poster, thought of you.

The poster has two witches on it.

Right, it is the theater district.

Thank you, honey, this is very sweet.

Wait. Jeff, there's only
one ticket in here.

I am not gonna cause a distraction
while you sneak in the side door.

I'm not going.
That's part of your gift.

I don't wanna go alone.
- Yes, you do.

I want you to go with me.
- No, you don't.

It's more fun to share
the experience with someone.

Is it? Well, let's examine the last time
we shared the theater going experience.

We got to our seats.
- You mimed killing yourself.

Curtain went up.
- You mimed killing yourself.

Three town's people on stage started...

to sing.

You mimed killing them and
then turned the gun on yourself.

That was before
the boiler went on the fritz.

This is the most thoughtful gift ever!

Shut up, Russell.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Well, Russell's making fun of us

because I mentioned that Adam and I
are taking dance lessons for our wedding.

Not you, just Adam or
should I say Mr. Mo Jangles.

There's nothing gay about
taking dance lessons for your wedding.

Yeah, we did.

Oh, did you, Fred Astaire,
at some guy's ass?

What? It's funny when it's not me.

Well, we're starting early because

"we" need all the help "we" can get.

It's a good thing you're holding your
hand up so I don't get my feelings hurt.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter
that you're a bad dancer.

It's just another thing we get to do
together. And I love doing things with you.

Me too.

Don't you mean "Me tutu"?

Ballerina?

Alright, I'm out. Pay for me.

You know, Adam, you don't have
to pretend to love everything she does.

Do you get a commission
every time a couple breaks up?

I'm saying there's such a thing
as too much togetherness.

You see the shining?

You're old.

I'm wise.

When you've been together
as long as Audrey and I have

it's OK to have seperate interests.
For instance, she loves going to the theater.

And I hate it.

Hating the theater is not an interest.

An interest is something you enjoy.

I enjoy hating the theater.

There's gotta be stuff
you guys like doing together.

There's gotta be.

There is. Like the Boat Show.

Which, by the way, is in town this week.
- Again?

Didn't we just go to that thing?

A year ago.
- Really?

God, feels like just
yesterday I was thinking

"Boy, glad I don't have to suffer
through this for another year."

Come on, you love the Boat Show!

No, I tolerate it.
I only do it 'cause you like it.

First time I've heard
that outside the bedroom.

I hear the new lead is great.
Who was the original girl on this?

Kristin Chenoweth.

My husband would not have
known that in a million years.

So, where do you wanna
go get dinner after?

One, two, three,

back, two, three,

down, two, three,

one, two, three.

Come on, count.

One, two, three and back...
- Not out loud.

Can't you think something
without actually saying it?

Yeah, I'm doing it right now.

No, no, no.
You see, it's forward, two, three...

He's trying Mr. Vargus.
He just doesn't have any sense of rhythm.

You see, he's raised on a comune.**

I don't need a bio, chica.

He's not the problem.

I'm not?
- He's not?

No, you are.

Tough break, chica.

You got me.** You're so good!

You know, the first time I saw this
Kristin blew me away. But this girl, she...

might be better.

I mean, she really
made Glinda her own.

Oh my God! This isn't a strip club.

I want my money back!

Oh my God!

I thought this was a strip club.
I got all turned around...

I saw you inside.
- No, you didn't.

You were crying.
- No, I wasn't.

And I took a picture.

That's good quality.

Now delete it. Delete it!

Fine.

Fine, I was in there. I like musicals.

Don't tell anyone.

That you were here,

that you were sobbing,

or that
"she really made Glinda her own"?

What's gonna take to keep you quiet?

What do you got?

I can get you great seats
to any show anytime.

Come on, what's your connection?

Well, I may or may not be
the editor of Bernadette Peters' fanzine.

Deal.

You do not want to cross me
on this because I swear to you

if anyone finds out you will
rue the day that you...

Second act!

That's all you're having?

Oh, we have a dance lesson today

and Mr. Vargus doesn't like us
to practice on a full stomach.

Screw Mr. Vargus.

Trouble in Danceland?
- Well, it seems that

"we're" not as good as
"we" thought we were.

That joke stopped being
funny like four days ago.

Oh, has it been four days?

Because you'd think that

"we" be better by now.

Oh, don't get mad, honey.
It's just a dance class.

It's like you said.
Something we can do together.

So, you snuck in late last night.

Oh, yeah, the show was over 3 hours long.
* after midnight.

Mr. Vargus says it's really
important to get a good night sleep.

Oh my God!

It was so good, Jeff.
You woulda hated it.

See how that works?

She goes to the theater

I stay home where I don't have to hear
anyone express themself through song.

Unless of course Adam * love ballad Mr. Vargus.

Jealous!

You almost finished here?
I don't want to be late for the Boat Show.

First 500 customers get
the commemorative refrigerator magnet.

That's today? I have ticket
to the matinee. I'm going to the theatre.

Again? You're turning into a...

What do they call people
who go to the theater?

Theater-goers?

You will not believe how often
we have this exact conversation.

You always have fun when we go.

We eat Boat Show junk,
use boat lingo,

I make a funny seaman pun.

I quietly question all my life choices.

I've never been to a Boat Show.

What do you do there?

You look at boats.

You really didn't see that coming?

How can you skip the Boat Show?
You'll miss all the celebrities.

Captain Crunch is not a celebrity.

I'm sorry, what
cereal box is your face on?

Come on, Audrey, you gotta go.
- No, fair is fair, Jeff.

You didn't have to go to the theater with me.**
I shouldn't have to go to the Boat Show with you.

Not same thing.
- It's exactly the same thing!

Boat Shows are fun.
- Musicals are fun.

They would be if they were Boat Shows!

I can't believe I'm saying this but
let's get to dance class a little early today.

Oh good, Mr. Vargus likes punctuality.

Oh my God!

Where you been? 3 minutes till curtain.

I'm sorry. I had to blow Jeff off,
it took longer than I expected.

What do ya think,
the guy's not 18 anymore.

Blow him off!

As in "not go to the Boat Show with him".

You know, I thought...
- Yeah, I know what you thought.

It's a great show, huh?
- Best so far.

Are you on the market
for something today?

No, I'm just looking.

So, does this thing hold a lot of seaman?

Yes, 'cause that's
how you'd say it, sir.

It's a classic.

I know you're at your show.
Call me at intermission.

Something terrific just happened.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, man, it's good to see you.
I was hoping you'd be here.

Wouldn't miss it.
Gotta check out the new models.

Me too, and in my spare time

I look at the boats.

So...

Is Jenny here?

No, turns out she never liked it.
She only came because I made her.

Finally, she just said:
"Mike, I'm done."

Yeah, I think Audrey's Boat Show
days are behind her too.

Yeah, well, Jenny wasn't just
talking about the Boat Show.

She was talking about the Mike Show.
She's out.

Sorry.

Wow, you guys were married awhile.
- 12 years.

Same as me and Audrey.

Well, then you know
what I'm talking about, right?

You know, you start to grow apart,
you don't like the same things anymore.

Including each other.

I don't know why I'm laughing,

she took all my stuff.

Hey, you know, this is
the first theater I was ever in.

Really? When was that?

I must've been seven years old.
- Your parents took you?

No, God no. They were too busy
screaming at each other.

I had a nanny named Helga
who was a bigger woman.

Arms like a longshoreman.

She bundled me up

the next thing I know we're here,

in this whole other world where people
are singing, and dancing, and happy

and I just loved it.

Yeah, oldest story
in the book though, right?

Except for usually I'm telling it once
to be a vita, not bang a vita.**

It's pretty lame, right?
- No, not at all.

You have nothing
to be embarassed about.

Jeff cried his eyes out
on** "Mr. Holland's Opus".

Really?
- Yes.

There's nothing unmanly
about showing your emotions.

It's actually very atractive
to women when men are sensitive.

Maybe you're right.

I once got a happy ending

for pretending to cry
at my grandma's funeral.

Oh, here we go.

She and I just drifted apart,

we navigated into some stormy waters

and set sail for different horizons.

Then my accountant started
dropping anchor in her harbor.

Painful but kudos for sticking
with the nautical theme.

Yeah, but... It's better now, you know?

I don't have anybody yapping
in my ear about the antique show

or some dumb cooking class.

Although cooking would come in handy.

The pizza delivery guy is starting
to make comments, like he's got a life.

So you're doing OK.

Oh man, I'm having a ball.

I play golf all I want,
I play video poker till 4 am,

I got a two-day pass for the Boat Show.

Isn't that sweet?
Are you coming tomorrow?

How about bowling?
Do you like bowling?

I'm pretty much free any night.

Or Atlantic City. I know this great bus.

It doesn't have air conditioning
but you get 10$ in quarters.

Last time I went

the old woman next
to me got heat stroke

and I got her quarters.

I can't promise that that
will happen when you and I...

Phone call.
- I didn't even hear it ring.

It's on vibrate.
- But I didn't hear it go...

Which is...
- Hello?

Emergency?

I'll be right there.

I gotta go, there's an emergency.

What kind of emergency?
- Very bad.

A lot of blood. Real horror show.

Can I come with?
- Just stay in the boat, Michael.

That was our best show so far.

I know. I'm gonna have to totally
rethink my Tony predictions.

Should we go get some coffee?

Yeah, let me hit the restroom.

Damn * there are no intermissions.

Great, you're here.

Jeff, what are you doing here?
Is everything OK?

It's fine.

What's going on?
- I just thought I'd take you to dinner,

and you could tell me about
the singing and dancing you saw and

you know, what makes them do all that.

Why aren't you at the Boat Show?

Truth is, it wasn't that
much fun without you.

Really?

That's so sweet.

Plus I realized that if you do
too many things seperately

you could wind up on
a bus to Atlantic City

stealing quarters off
an old lady with heat stroke.

That makes no sense.

See...

The bus isn't air conditioned.

So if you weren't having a good time

why did I get a message
that said "something terrific happened"?

That was early on.

I scored big with a seaman pun.

Anyway, from now on I think
that we should make an effort

to like the things
the other person likes.

And who knows?

Maybe we can find
something we like doing together.

I can think of one or two things.

Two? What's the other one?

Hey, Audrey, I got us t-shirts.
All they had was extra large.

That could make it work.**

This isn't a strip club!

What's going on here?
- Russell, stop.

You knew he was...
Did you guys come together?

The truth is,

I'm nailing your wife.

Don't get mad.

Here's the deal.

Russell and I have been coming
to the theater all week together

and it's been really
wonderful sharing that with him.

Him?
- Yes.

He has this whole other side

that is cultured and kind

and sensitive.

But he won't show it to you 'cause

he's afraid you'll make fun of him.
- Thank you, I'm a dead man.

No, you are not.

Jeff, please tell him
you're not gonna tease him.

I'd only do that so he might
see it coming a little bit less.

Russell's a theater queen.

I may have to quit my job

to focus on this full-time.

You might wanna take a break

so you can pop in Mr. Holland's Opus

and cry like Betsy Wetsy.

I only told him to show...
- Just like a woman.

Can't keep anything
from her girlfriends.

Poor Mr. Holland. Had to give up
his dreams and teach highschool.

Changed those kids' lives.
Gave'em the gift of music.

So did professor Harold Hill in
The Music Man. He changed the whole town.

Prancing around and singing
a bunch of stuff he could've just said?

Robert Preston did not pranc.

He marched proudly
as he led the big parade.

Not that I know
what kind of parade that was.**

Mr. Holland, I gave up all my dreams.

Good.

Excellent.

What?

It's just a stupid dance.
What is it that I'm doing so wrong?

She had like 80 fries at lunch today.

All right, let's try it again.

You just watch.

I need another hankie,
I'm Mr. Holland's doofus. **

I'd like one
on the aisle for Oklahoma.

Shut up!

You guys have been doing
this for like 11 blocks.

You know,
for one brief, shining moment

I had theater buddy Russell
and sweet husband Jeff.

And just like
that it's back to:

"You have feelings."
"You like things."

"You're gay."
"No, you're gay."

What, are you guys 8?

He is.
- You are.

Shut up!

Why are all man friendships
based on insulting each other?

I think it's very sad

that you go through life just looking
for ways to cut each other down.

Maybe she's right.

We do waste a lot of time * each other.

It wouldn't kill us
to grow up a little.

I guess not.

That's Adam.

Dancing with a dude.

No way!

This is too good.
- Let's get him.

Very impressive choice
for your comeback.

This musical is
3 and a half hours long.

Just more time
I get to spend with the woman I love.

Holy smokes. What are the odds.

Are you a single?

I'm third row center.
Can we swap so I can sit next to my friend?

Sure.

Thank you.

This is great!

Wow, pretty lady.
So you guys are still together?

You wanna grab a bite after?
It's on me.

I cleaned up in Atlantic City.

Is your weekend booked?
Because we have got a sweet fussball table

at the rec room at my complex.

The teenagers usually hog it
but sometimes you get lucky.

If not we can hit the jacooze

get our soak on.

You're not supposed
to go in naked but I probably will.

I don't like * urine on my shorts.

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