Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Oh, I can't decide

which one to take to the Hamptons.

Lynn has perfect legs,

but Chrissy has perfect breasts.

What a coincidence. You're a perfect ass.

Good morning.

Hmm. Tension in the air.

Let me guess.

Mr. Love Machine made some yappity-dappity

about getting it on with the ladies,

and then Mother Superior was all,

"What a pig!"

and then you were all, "But me likin' them womens."

and then you were all,

"Boo hoo hoo.

What about our brains?"

Finch, do you want to get smacked?

Kind of.

I'm not proud of it. Hey!

Your mom sent some more faxes.

Tell her to keep them coming.

We wouldn't want

a business letter to sneak through.

Oh, wow.

I don't believe this.

Mr. Farrell died.

"A memorial service,

"hosted by the class of '81,

"will be held

at the Hawthorne High Cafetorium."

Who's Mr. Farrell?

He was my high school history teacher.

We used to call him "Farrell the Ferret."

Why did you call him that?

Ah, you know, because he was a big man.

Why didn't you call him "Farrell the Barrel"?

People weren't that clever in my town.

When the train went by, everyone would clap.

So are you going to go?

Are you kidding?

I had to miss my 10-year reunion.

This will finally be my triumphant return.

A chance to let everyone revel in my success.

It is time

for Elliott DiMauro to descend from the clouds.

I'll leave you alone with your grief.

Finch, I'm having an antique mirror

delivered to my office

tomorrow.

Here's the bill.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't charge this to the magazine.

And why not?

Because it's for personal use.

How do you know?

Because it's a mirror.

So?

So I can't explain it any better than that.

As Fashion Editor, it's my job to look good.

As a Keebler Elf,

it's your job to make delicious little cookies.

Don't be surprised

if that mirror talks back to you...

witch.

Dennis? Got a minute?

Yes?

So I heard all that with Nina.

Yeah. Did you like that witch line?

Dennis, I see this magazine as my castle,

and you are, for lack of a better word,

my gargoyle.

What I'm trying to say is,

you have to make the staff respect you

the same way they respect me.

Yeah, of course Nina respects you.

You're the boss,

and she's two paychecks away

from lap dancing at a Mexican truck stop.

Being the boss doesn't win me respect.

It's winning respect that made me the boss.

Ah. I see.

No more for you.

Dennis,

40 years in the trenches

have taught me a few tricks,

tricks I have shared with no one.

Okay, like what?

How to use perception and position,

light and shadow.

Subtle tactics

that give you an advantage

over your adversary.

If this is about stuffing a sock down my pants,

I'm way ahead of you.

It's all about psychology.

What people want, what they fear,

what makes them vulnerable.

Yeah, I appreciate the advice,

but if you're saying these little mind games

can change the way people think,

I say no way.

Damn it. I'll try it.

Nina, I need you to help me find a suit.

Well, well, well.

What?

So now, after all the taunting,

after all the cheap shots,

now you need my help.

That's right. Now, suddenly,

you want me to do you a personal favor.

Yeah. Ha!

I want everyone here

to bear witness to the fact

that today, I, Nina-

Okay, forget it.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me help. Please.

Okay, so, uh...

what do you want this suit to say?

It's for a memorial service,

so I want it to say I'll be sad for an hour,

but then, on my way back to town,

I'm having sex in a limo.

Hugo Boss, charcoal gray.

It's what my tennis pro wore to my second husband's funeral.

Elliott, why are you trying so hard?

Because they expect it.

Ever since grade school,

I've always been the trendsetter in that town,

the guy destined for greatness.

I was the artist.

I had a certain joie de vivre.

From the looks of your yearbook picture,

you also had a certain joie de acne.

What?

Your mom faxed it over.

Delores and I are like this.

Give me that. Give me that.

Don't worry about it.

Everybody's yearbook picture

is embar-

Oh, my God!

You were a little fatty.

"Member, Model Train Club."

Oh, my gosh.

"Co-manager, Chess Team."

Chess.

I'm surprised

you weren't in the marching band.

Whoa, whoa.

Have you ever been invited to the Gator Bowl?

No...

so shut up.

So the truth comes out.

The legendary Elliott DiMauro was once...

a nerd.

No, I wasn't.

Nerd.

Ha ha. That's very funny.

Nerd. That's not funny.

Nerd. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Would a nerd

bring a supermodel to a funeral

in a stretch limo,

with 400 roses shaped in a giant tear?

Hmm?

No, but the nerd king might.

Nina, a moment, please.

Look, why don't we just skip the part

where you tell me to pay for the mirror

and get right to me ignoring you?

Oh, Nina.

How can I convince you that it would be best

if you paid for the mirror.

Hmm. You can't.

Hmm?

I repeat,

you most likely can't.

Hmm?

I'll get my checkbook.

Welcome to the varsity team,

Dennis.

Can you teach me more?

Can you show me the way?

Can you help me down?

Sorry I'm late.

Are you going to rob a train?

Oh, this?

Whoa!

Krakatoa.

It's just a little blemish.

It's like an escape hatch for your brain.

Can we move on?

Yes, let's.

Item one.

Santa called.

It's a foggy night, and he wants to borrow Elliott.

I'm so sorry about your pimple,

Elliott.

How did you know?

I saw you get out of the cab.

I mean, we're only 19 floors up.

That's it.

I'm out of here. No, no, no. Wait.

You have to double-check

the cropping on these photos.

Oh... Oh, ho, ho.

What?

I lost my contacts this morning.

They're fine.

Ah.

Moving on.

Item two.

NASA called,

and they need their telescopes back.

Okay, enough. Enough.

So I have a little zit on my nose,

and I have to wear my old glasses.

Big deal.

I can still outscore any guy at this magazine.

Take a gander, Zeke.

You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse

with a bag of bananas.

Oh, my God.

I'm a nerd!

You wanted to see me?

Elliott's locked himself in his studio

and won't come out.

I know. What a nerd.

Well, what do you plan to do about it?

Me? Why me?

Because a photographer's work is all about confidence,

and when you called him a nerd,

that confidence was shattered.

Oh, please!

Maya...

what's more important to a bird...

wings or the belief that he can fly?

Wings.

Wrong.

Witness the penguin, a flightless bird.

Why?

Because its wings can't support its body mass?

Wrong again.

Maya, there was a day when penguins filled the sky...

terrifying nomads with their angry barking.

Until the day their confidence was shattered,

and they never flew again.

Ah. I see.

No more for you.

Look, I got models waiting,

and I need the old Elliott back,

so go talk to him.

You're his boss. You talk to him.

Maya, why do you think hippos live underground?

All right. I'll talk to him.

Elliott.

Elliott! What?

Open the door!

Go away!

Elliott, there are models out here,

waiting for you.

They'll laugh at me.

No, they won't.

They're too busy making out with each other.

Elliott, this is nuts.

You're the same person you were yesterday.

Yeah, and the day before that

and the day before that

and all the way back to ninth grade.

That was a long time ago.

You've changed.

Ah, I've pretended to change,

but I've only been fooling myself.

Look, everybody worries about fitting in,

but it's no big deal.

Okay? Okay. Now!

Let's take some pictures!

I can't.

Elliott, I'm gonna tell you something

I never thought I would.

When I first met you, I thought to myself,

"Now, there is a man."

Sexy, talented, sophisticated...

You really think I'm talented?

Oh, I know you are.

I mean, look at this.

Look at this...

vibrance, this style.

It just screams Elliott DiMauro.

Coincidentally, so did that model.

Ew.

I mean, there you go. You're the king.

She screamed that too.

Uh...

Uh, okay, my point is...

you're living the dream.

I bet every guy at that memorial service

would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

You're the man!

You're right. I am the man!

Yes! Now let's get some models in here

and start taking some pictures.

I can't.

I've got a speech to write.

What?

Yeah, I'm going to that memorial service

to notify the citizens

of Loserville, New Jersey,

that their top export is Elliott DiMauro.

That's not what I meant.

Oh, I know what you meant.

By the way,

that stuff about the first day we met?

I knew you wanted me.

Yeah?

Dennis, I'm very disappointed in you.

What do you mean?

Don't play innocent with me.

Nina's doing your job.

Come on. You're exaggerating.

Jack Gallo's office. May I help you?

So what's the harm?

I trusted you with my secret power tips.

Now you're using them for evil.

Evil in whose eyes?

I'm cutting you off from training,

and I forbid you to use my knowledge.

Perhaps it's too late.

Perhaps the student

has outgrown the master.

I speak...

hypothetically, of course.

Of course.

Cigar?

Don't mind if I do.

Ah, the tiny cigar trick.

Interesting.

I think I'll pour myself a drink.

Allow me.

I insist. I insist.

I hope you enjoy my scotch.

I always have.

Oh.

Oh, my shirt! I just bought it. It's going to ruin...

Ha. The dribble glass.

I guess you win.

Should have seen it coming.

That tastes weird.

Perhaps it's the chili sauce I poured in it.

Ha ha! Face.

I...

I'm severely allergic to chili peppers.

My throat cuts off completely.

What?

I... I'm feeling dizzy.

Oh, my... I'm sorry.

Antihistamines.

I'm going to the pharmacy.

I'll be right back!

Don't die on me!

Lord, take me instead!

Face.

Elliott, there you are.

What are you doing here?

You're making a big mistake.

I don't want you to get up there

and make some stupid, self-serving speech.

Oh, yeah?

You see that guy by the flag?

That's Deke Williams.

When I was 14,

he pulled my jacket over my head,

yanked my pants down,

and pushed me

into the girls' locker room.

Kids do dumb things.

Another time,

he cornered me in this very cafetorium,

dumped mashed potatoes on my head,

yanked my pants down,

and pushed me

into the girls' locker room.

That is so mean.

Anyway, every morning for four years,

I didn't want to wake up

because I knew when I got to school,

someone, somehow

was gonna remind me that I didn't fit in,

that I was nobody...

I'm so sorry.

and that's why I'm here.

That's why I want

to rub their faces in my success,

and I don't expect you

to understand.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

What do you mean?

I know what it's like to be bullied

or made fun of,

because maybe you're a little clumsy

or a little heavy

or maybe you wear corrective shoes.

You know what the kids used to call me?

Crisco.

Because I was "fat in the can."

Pretty funny, huh?

You get it?

I mean, that's the kind of thing that could warp you for life!

Well, who's fat now, Gina?

Calm down, Maya. This is about me.

Yo, Deke.

Elliott, is that really you?

Yeah, it's really me.

Wow.

So who's your friend?

Oh, this is Maya Gallo.

No, I mean the one on your nose.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

You know me.

Seriously,

you're looking really good.

You lost some weight...

especially in the, uh, scalp area.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

So anyway, uh...

what are you doing these days?

Well, Deke, my man, I'm glad you asked.

Remember how the Ferret used to say

if you believed in yourself, one day you'd end up a winner?

No.

Come on, come on.

Remember how he used to pull you into his office

and say that you were capable of anything?

That you were special?

He hit me with a pen once.

Oh.

I guess he was just spouting off to me.

It's good to see you, Deke.

I can't believe

you didn't rub his face in it.

I didn't have to.

No wonder why you always got pantsed.

Well, welcome, friends, and, uh...

former students.

We are here to celebrate the life

of Jasper Farrell.

I remember Jasper Farrell...

I can't believe you.

At least do your speech.

No. I'm taking the high road.

So at this time,

does anyone wish to share any special thoughts?

Right here. Special thoughts.

Would you like to speak, sir?

I, uh...

Sure. Sure.

Please come up.

Hey, why don't you dump DiMoron,

and step up to the Deke, huh?

I'm Elliott DiMauro,

and I would just like to say

that Mr. Farrell was a wonderful man

and an inspiring teacher.

Say, what do you do for a living?

A teacher who taught me how to be the bigger man.

Ever date a supermodel?

Anyway...

I will always appreciate the way he singled me out

and made me feel special.

I'll miss him.

In fact, uh...

In fact, I just realized how much I'll miss him,

and I really feel bad for those

who will never have the privilege of knowing him.

Like Cindy Crawford.

Oh, shut up.

Hey.

I like crazy chicks.

Just kidding.

Well, thank you.

Uh, does anyone else wish to speak?

Deke.

Deke, Deke, Deke,

Deke, Deke,

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Deke, Deke, Deke, Deke.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Hello, Deke.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'm not much of a speaker.

I'm more of a doer...

but Farrell was a good guy.

I mean,

his quizzes were hard,

but they prepared us

for the hardest test of all.

Life.

Can you believe this guy?

But you've got to be tough.

Like at the hardware store.

I see somebody slacking off,

I kick a little butt,

you know what I'm saying?

Because that's me.

That's the Dekester,

and what you see is what you get.

♪ Life keeps bringin' me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringin' me home ♪

♪ It don't matter What I want to do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringin' me Back to you ♪♪

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