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That I, Mathilde Suffolk-Finch
of Hunderby
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00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:22,660
leave my estate, in its entirety
to my only son,
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00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:24,870
Edmund Suffolk-Finch of Hunderby.
(WEEPING)
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00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:30,250
On the sole condition that
a child be born to him
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00:00:30,250 --> 00:00:31,950
within a year of my death.
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00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:36,850
If no heir to Hunderby is born
within this year,
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00:00:36,850 --> 00:00:41,260
the estate shall be sold up
and the proceeds lavished
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on an underwater monument to the
drowned dead of the Bethany Rose.
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00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,310
Am I?
Am I not remembered?
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00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,220
Dorothy.
Dorothy Mellis.
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00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:59,120
No.
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00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:16,230
"Immortal, Invisible, God Only
Wise" - Walter Chalmers Smith
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Immortal, invisible, God only wise
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In light inaccessible hid from our
eyes
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00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:32,890
Most blessed, most glorious, the
Ancient of Days
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00:01:34,110 --> 00:01:37,520
Almighty, victorious,
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00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:43,400
Thy great name we praise.
18
00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:47,790
Now.
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00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:50,740
Our goodly sisters, Dorothy and
Biddy, would have me remind you
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00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:57,340
that this month's healing ring is to
be held here today at noon,
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00:01:57,340 --> 00:01:58,570
at noon.
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00:01:58,650 --> 00:01:59,790
And finally.
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00:02:01,260 --> 00:02:05,410
We do humbly ask our
Father God that myself
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00:02:05,670 --> 00:02:10,810
and my wife be blessed with a child
before the year is through.
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00:02:10,810 --> 00:02:12,750
Please God.
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00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:16,660
We pray for the guidance
of our Lord's gentle fist.
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00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:22,540
For every child is born
a filthy savage
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smeared in Satan's faeces.
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00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:42,130
Come, come now tortoise mouth
There is work to be done
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00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,520
Sorry, these balls are quite big.
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I shall prepare myself upstairs.
32
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Biddy was up three nights
rendering that beef.
33
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,700
Perhaps Mistress does not
want a child so very much?
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00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,170
I do.
35
00:03:14,170 --> 00:03:16,380
Perhaps she wishes us all
to be cast from Hunderby?
36
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:17,360
No, no.
37
00:03:18,580 --> 00:03:19,540
Helene!
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Helene!
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(VIGOROUS MOANING)
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Edmund?
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00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,800
Edmund.
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There.
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00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:04,570
Oh, Edmund.
Tis on my leg.
44
00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:10,930
Bubbly milk Sir?
Please.
45
00:04:13,380 --> 00:04:17,790
Which unfortunate's amongst us
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is first that seeketh succour?
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You again.
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00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:37,110
We do beseech thee, Father God,
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to unleash from bald David,
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00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,470
the evil ones that have eaten
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all of his hair.
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We humbly ask thee.
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To fill each and every hole
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00:04:55,470 --> 00:04:57,660
of poor David's demon-dented scalp.
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00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:03,300
By the bounty of your Holy Fur.
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(ALL) Heal him.
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Hair him.
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00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:14,790
Heal him. Hair him.
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Heal him. Hair him.
60
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,060
Still nothing?
61
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,650
How's Ruth?
62
00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:36,800
Not well.
63
00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:41,960
There is much clumping here.
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00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:45,870
Perhaps you have been burdened of
late?
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00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:52,470
I must confess the contents of my
mother's will were most unexpected.
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00:05:52,470 --> 00:05:53,940
Ah, yes.
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00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:56,380
And how goes the creation
of your son and heir?
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00:05:58,590 --> 00:05:59,580
May I speak plainly?
69
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,020
Of course.
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00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:14,740
I fear my wife may be, erm...
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00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:17,430
abnormal...
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00:06:17,430 --> 00:06:18,420
below.
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00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,820
In what way, brother?
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00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:25,500
I have noted within her
haired canoe a...
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00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,930
kind of growth not unlike
a dangling bell.
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00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:32,600
Yes, my wife Ruth has
oft mentioned this.
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00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,530
It is said to send women mad.
78
00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:39,940
You may recall the Smithers sisters?
79
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,130
The balding spinsters
of Puddybutt Lane?
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00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:48,490
Aye sir, both were said
to have these bells below
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00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:50,700
and were quite unable to
leave theirs alone.
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00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,420
May God rest their souls.
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00:06:53,650 --> 00:06:58,780
They would itch at them like mice at
a wall, squealing and whooping,
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00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:01,710
as if Satan himself were
riding their lungs.
85
00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:05,140
Yes, perhaps their murder was a
blessing in disguise.
86
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:09,060
Well, bell or no bell,
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00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:12,220
too often do my attempts at congress
with Helene leave me
88
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:14,430
with a flopping flute.
89
00:07:14,430 --> 00:07:19,570
With Ruth I oft times place a pillow
gently o'er her face
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00:07:19,570 --> 00:07:22,260
and conjure up a more
stimulating scene.
91
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,450
Something else?
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00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,810
Or someone.
93
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:38,410
There's no harm in it, dear brother.
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00:07:38,410 --> 00:07:40,860
For marriage is lengthy.
95
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,560
Yes.
96
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:47,220
Clean her chimney of Satan's wood
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00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:52,350
So a babe grows hand and foot
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00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:56,770
Make him large and give ye room
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Strong and fat!
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00:07:58,790 --> 00:08:01,660
And ready to boom
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Boom, boom from her thighs
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Boom, boom,
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Tears in her eyes.
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00:08:23,430 --> 00:08:25,880
Ah, Mistress Helene.
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00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,050
Hesther. Excuse me.
106
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:33,220
I too was teary after my first
time in Dorothy's ring.
107
00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:36,150
Have you been at all healed?
108
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:40,810
No, but since God saw fit to mow me
down on my wedding night,
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00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:43,260
and leave me numb from face to foot,
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00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:47,650
I must believe I have been chosen as
a continuous beacon of suffering.
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00:08:47,650 --> 00:08:49,110
I'm sorry.
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00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:52,780
But dear Helene, I am certain your
womb will ripen
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00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:55,470
all the more for having Dorothy's
holy hand upon it.
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00:08:55,470 --> 00:09:01,830
Thank you. I truly hope so. My
husband's fortune depends on it.
115
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:04,540
And I should dearly love a child.
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So should I,
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but alas.
118
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,850
Tis no shame to be unwed.
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00:09:12,850 --> 00:09:17,260
Oh no. God blessed me with a most
steadfast and saintly husband.
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00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,730
Oh?
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I shall ne'er give him a child,
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00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:27,030
nor any mortal pleasure, yet he
tarries with me, day on day,
123
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:32,910
year on year and only death
shall tear us asunder.
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00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:36,820
Oh, Graham.
125
00:09:39,030 --> 00:09:40,740
Doctor Foggerty is your...
126
00:09:40,820 --> 00:09:41,720
Yes.
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00:09:43,180 --> 00:09:45,390
Come now, slug legs.
There is work to be done.
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00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:48,320
Good day to you, crippled Hesther.
129
00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:52,980
Oh, Mistress Helene. Your kerchief.
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00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:58,110
Oh, why.
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00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:02,260
Tis my husband's.
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00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:13,520
Hesther.
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00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:19,880
Oh, Graham, spurge and boomrape.
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00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,100
My favourites.
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00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,990
I have taken the liberty of
furnishing
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a nursery in readiness for an heir.
137
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:49,880
Oh thank you, Dorothy.
138
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:05,550
Baby should sleep in silence
for 14 hours straight through.
139
00:11:05,550 --> 00:11:08,480
If he can be heard crying it's
because Satan has
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00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,390
clambered into his cot and he's
best left to fight it out.
141
00:11:16,070 --> 00:11:20,460
Well you certainly have
the woman's touch.
142
00:11:23,410 --> 00:11:26,820
There we are, maam.
143
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,550
Biddy's battered bone buns,
144
00:11:28,550 --> 00:11:30,990
to toughen your nipples for suckling,
145
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:34,400
with a marrowfat ointment,
to grease your chute.
146
00:11:36,850 --> 00:11:37,830
Thank you.
147
00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:49,590
This yours, maam?
148
00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:56,910
Oh, yes...
149
00:11:56,910 --> 00:11:58,400
I must have dropped it.
150
00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:03,540
"Lizbeth," maam?
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00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,170
A middle name, tis short for
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Elizabeth.
153
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:16,020
And the pregnant-backed gentleman?
154
00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:23,340
He, oh of course, my brother.
155
00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:26,050
He died a leper
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00:12:26,050 --> 00:12:28,740
hence my mission to the leper colony.
157
00:12:33,870 --> 00:12:40,950
Well, let us pray this family hump
does not surface in your own
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child like some great unwelcome
whale.
159
00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:54,900
Ah, Helene!
160
00:12:56,630 --> 00:12:58,090
Oh.
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00:12:58,090 --> 00:13:01,280
Brother Joseph has suggested
a biblical scenario
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00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,210
to enliven our somewhat
fruitless conjunctions.
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00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:08,360
You shall be playing Job.
164
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,030
The hessian Wednesday sack
and tawny knickerbocker.
165
00:13:15,710 --> 00:13:19,140
Yes, if you don those and then
take up a prayer position.
166
00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:22,310
I shall join you presently as...
167
00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:27,200
Jehovah raining down punishments
from on high.
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00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:34,790
(VIGOROUS MOANING)
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00:13:49,230 --> 00:13:51,920
Even as Job you turn me to cushion.
170
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,990
Now you are a true gentleman's
valet, Geoff.
171
00:14:01,950 --> 00:14:05,120
This livery suits your complexion
very well.
172
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,350
A coffee bean in
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00:14:07,810 --> 00:14:08,790
velvet custard.
174
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:13,450
No, the silken stockings go on
before the britches, Geoff.
175
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,730
Dorothy. How is a man to enjoy
his egg with you
176
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,920
flapping a gory rag at his face?
177
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,330
I thought you would wish to know,
as time is trickling away, Sir,
178
00:15:04,590 --> 00:15:07,280
Satan's jam hath once again burst
her bristled button.
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00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:09,730
(SMASH) Ow!
180
00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:28,810
Good day, Sir, Mad...
181
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:31,260
But your cheek?
182
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,150
Tis bruised.
183
00:15:36,390 --> 00:15:37,620
She is most clumsy.
184
00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:41,290
Tis like living with a bull in skirts.
185
00:15:41,290 --> 00:15:44,700
A lard salve shall halt the purpling.
186
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:48,630
It is not her face I wish you to
examine, Doctor, but her womb.
187
00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:51,560
I'm sure my womb is well, Sir.
188
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,510
Then why does it weep, Helene?
189
00:15:53,770 --> 00:15:56,220
Month upon month its vicious red tears?
190
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:57,440
I insist, Doctor,
191
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,370
that you investigate her uterus
this very minute.
192
00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:12,610
I believe my hand may be a little
warmer than the pincer.
193
00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:14,070
Yes please.
194
00:16:30,710 --> 00:16:33,150
If you could flop a whisper more?
195
00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:34,860
As would a basking frog.
196
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:41,720
I trust tis all as it ought?
197
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,170
As other ladies might be?
198
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,130
Indeed
199
00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:54,680
I had the honour of attending the
last Lady of Hunderby.
200
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:55,910
Arabelle?
201
00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:58,110
Yes.
202
00:16:58,110 --> 00:17:01,520
Her womb was quite flaccid and thin.
203
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,920
Whereas yours, madam,
is very firm and...
204
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,090
oh, springy to the touch,
205
00:17:10,090 --> 00:17:13,520
with a moist neck,
206
00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:19,640
and a widthy canal.
207
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,360
Oh...
208
00:17:22,570 --> 00:17:25,020
you have borne a child already?
209
00:17:31,380 --> 00:17:34,330
I would be most appreciative
if you allowed me
210
00:17:34,410 --> 00:17:36,030
to tell Edmund of this
211
00:17:36,270 --> 00:17:38,240
in my own time.
212
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,710
But of course Madam
213
00:17:39,950 --> 00:17:41,910
he need never know,
if that be your will.
214
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:45,320
But you are fit for many more,
215
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,050
he may know that.
216
00:17:47,050 --> 00:17:49,500
Thank you.
217
00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:55,110
The child was not a union of love,
but of brutality.
218
00:17:55,110 --> 00:17:59,030
I was ravished by a humpback and did
219
00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:01,710
birth a haired runt that died.
220
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,920
Tis a blessing, madam,
221
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,830
for 'twould surely have ended
as a full-grown simpleton.
222
00:18:08,070 --> 00:18:10,040
Oh, hush-a-ho.
223
00:18:11,510 --> 00:18:14,940
Let me stem these salty rivers
from thine eyes.
224
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,850
Madam, I...
225
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:20,550
I too have a secret.
226
00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:21,780
Yes?
227
00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:26,670
Twas I...
228
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,380
Twas I that crippled my wife
Hesther.
229
00:18:30,670 --> 00:18:34,500
You? Twas An accident, of course,
230
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,450
but the night before our wedding.
231
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,630
I realised, I did not love her. Not
truly
232
00:18:39,630 --> 00:18:40,860
No?
233
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:46,260
So I sought to drown my fears in
drink, the great seductress.
234
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,630
I guzzled till dawn and took off for
the woods upon my horse Roland,
235
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:55,550
with half a mind to ride myself into
a tree
236
00:18:55,550 --> 00:19:00,200
Instead I passed out, green-gilled
atop his silken rump,
237
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,650
and the faithful fellow
did guide me home.
238
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:08,510
But near my dwelling I came to
with such a jolt,
239
00:19:08,770 --> 00:19:11,940
I kicked poor Roland hard and in his
zest to transport me hence,
240
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,150
he saw not Hesther coming out to
greet me. No!
241
00:19:14,150 --> 00:19:16,590
I mowed the poor lass down.
242
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,210
To this day she knows not twas I.
243
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:31,020
Well, Foggerty, I am most revived at
news of my wife's fecundity.
244
00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:39,110
Perhaps I already hear
the echo of tiny footsteps
245
00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:40,810
in your meaty cavern?
246
00:19:42,510 --> 00:19:44,240
I know not, Sir
247
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,650
If I may, I should like to return to
examine you also, Sir,
248
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:51,080
to confirm that all is well with
your seed.
249
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,770
I am not at fault, Doctor Foggerty.
250
00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:58,190
If I can be of any assistance,
Doctor Foggerty.
251
00:19:58,190 --> 00:20:01,860
Nor will I have you paddling about
in my seed, Dorothy.
252
00:20:05,530 --> 00:20:07,710
I am to be found out.
253
00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:09,440
Annie? Annie?
254
00:20:11,150 --> 00:20:12,870
How now, miss?
255
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:15,300
Doctor Foggerty knows of my past.
256
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:17,510
Of the child I bore John Whiffin.
257
00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:18,970
Hush, miss.
258
00:20:18,970 --> 00:20:22,400
It would not be the first queer
child what's haunted these walls.
259
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:26,070
I'm sure he will not tell.
And what if he does?
260
00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,780
It's not as if you killed anyone.
261
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,590
I know what will cheer you up.
262
00:20:36,590 --> 00:20:38,790
Why don't you and I go
and play with Susan.
263
00:21:09,870 --> 00:21:11,340
Well, all seems well.
264
00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:25,280
(TERRIBLE SCREAMS AND GROANS)
265
00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:33,350
Shhhhhhh.
266
00:21:34,830 --> 00:21:38,000
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
267
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,430
accessibility@bskyb.com
268
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:46,030
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