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1
00:00:03,667 --> 00:00:05,767
[***]
2
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:20,634
Who here knows
what a Christmas Club is?
3
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:23,534
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
4
00:01:23,534 --> 00:01:26,667
to get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
5
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,400
Uh, yeah.
6
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:34,801
Anyway, I've got one of these
Christmas Club things,
7
00:01:34,801 --> 00:01:39,200
and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
8
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,334
So, in addition to our annual
Christmas feast at Denny's,
9
00:01:47,133 --> 00:01:49,033
this year we're
getting presents.
10
00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:50,701
Oh! I can't
believe it.
11
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,267
This'll be the worst
Christmas I ever had.
12
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:56,000
I'll wind up home alone
sitting in the dark.
13
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,100
That is...unless
some friends invite me over.
14
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:00,100
[CONSOLINGLY]
Oh.
15
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:08,400
Poor Marcie.
I feel so bad for her.
16
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,334
So, Al, we're really
gonna get presents!
17
00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:12,868
Yeah! You betcha!
Ha-ha!
18
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,467
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
19
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:17,100
This is gonna be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever!
20
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,100
[LAUGHS]
21
00:02:19,767 --> 00:02:21,901
["DECK THE HALLS"
PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
22
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:54,167
KELLY:
Daddy!
23
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:56,434
Oh!
Daddy!
24
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:58,234
BOTH: Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
25
00:02:58,234 --> 00:02:59,467
Oh.
26
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:03,033
Now, kids, give your father
a chance to relax.
27
00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:04,067
Make room.
28
00:03:05,234 --> 00:03:06,701
Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
29
00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:07,734
Oh, Dad!
30
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:08,934
Give us our presents!
31
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:10,701
I love you!
Give us our presents!
32
00:03:10,701 --> 00:03:12,868
Family!
33
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:15,234
I think we've fallen
a tad short
34
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:17,601
of the true meaning
of Christmas.
35
00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:20,234
It's about love, about family.
36
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:23,300
I think something's rotten
in the state of Denver, Mom.
37
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,701
Don't worry.
38
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,200
Even a dullard like your father
isn't stupid enough
39
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,767
to come home
without presents.
40
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,767
I don't like the looks
of this, Mom.
41
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:43,334
Yeah, he does have that
just-plugged-the-toilet grin
42
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:44,334
on his face.
43
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:51,100
I think he's empty.
44
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:52,467
Let's check it out.
45
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,467
So, Al, I, uh, noticed
you're not burdened down
46
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:04,033
with presents
for your loving family.
47
00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:07,133
Are they, uh,
in the car?
48
00:04:08,534 --> 00:04:09,534
Well, no.
49
00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:13,834
Are they, uh,
being delivered?
50
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:15,501
No.
51
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,133
Are they...
invisible?
52
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,901
Well, you guys get
to ask the good questions.
53
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,267
If, for once, you'd let me
go first, I would have asked--
54
00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:32,133
Shh.
55
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:33,634
Honey.
56
00:04:33,634 --> 00:04:37,567
Okay, Al, enough
of this loving-family crap.
57
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,634
What did you do?
58
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:45,634
Well, I'm going
to be honest with you, Peg.
59
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000
You see, I was coming home
with great presents,
60
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,367
when I was surrounded
by a band of...
61
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:52,734
bears and Indians.
62
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:56,334
Daddy, are you okay?
63
00:04:58,267 --> 00:04:59,567
Rest, Kelly.
64
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,767
Snookums,
65
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:06,467
you know, if you really did
come home with no presents,
66
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:09,868
we wouldn't mind,
would we, kids?
67
00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:11,567
No, Mom.
68
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,400
I would.
69
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,968
I mean, no,
I wouldn't, Mom.
70
00:05:14,968 --> 00:05:19,033
We wuv our Daddy,
right, kids?
71
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,734
Right, Mom.
Right, Mom.
72
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:24,834
There.
73
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:27,167
You feel
better now, Al?
74
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,701
Yes, I do, Peg.
75
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:33,133
Then give us
our presents.
76
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,400
You do have presents,
don't you, Al?
77
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,300
And we kissed your hand
and called you Daddy.
78
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,934
The bank closed.
79
00:05:44,934 --> 00:05:46,901
Yeah, right.
Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.
80
00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:50,934
It wasn't my fault.
81
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,334
I did everything
that I could.
82
00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:54,767
A real Daddy would have
held up a liquor store.
83
00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:58,801
They're open
till 6, you know.
84
00:05:58,801 --> 00:06:01,901
Now, kids, I'm sure
your father has a good reason
85
00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:03,801
for not taking that
money out yesterday.
86
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:07,167
Tell us
the reason, witless.
87
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,400
I wanted to get that
extra day of interest.
88
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,234
Oh, that would have been what--
About 3 cents, Al?
89
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:14,634
Hey, that would have been
our waitress's tip at Denny's.
90
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:19,767
Thank your father for flushing
another Christmas, kids.
91
00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:21,167
BOTH:
Thanks, Dad.
92
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:22,934
Hey, just because
we don't have presents
93
00:06:22,934 --> 00:06:24,767
doesn't mean we can't
have Christmas.
94
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,334
Daddy, Christmas
without presents
95
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:28,300
is like Thanksgiving
without pizza.
96
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:33,634
Oh, well, I suppose there are
a lot of families much worse off
97
00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,133
than us at Christmas.
98
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:39,501
Of course, they're all living
in trees and worshipping sticks.
99
00:06:39,501 --> 00:06:41,634
But, let's make
the best of it.
100
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:42,734
Let's go to Denny's.
101
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:43,901
I have 8 bucks.
102
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,467
That's enough for three
of us to eat.
103
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:48,133
Ha-ha. I guess we'll
all have to draw straws.
104
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,434
Well, I don't mind doin' that
105
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,267
'cause I don't think
I should have to do it,
106
00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:52,334
since I do work all year--
107
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:55,000
I am gonna buy presents
on the 26th.
108
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,000
--but I think to be fair,
109
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,467
I'll have to, uh...
110
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,667
Bring me back some pie crust.
111
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:04,000
Well, let's see
how the lights work.
112
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,701
[GRUNTS]
113
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,868
That's just great.
They hang there all year long.
114
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,267
The one lousy time
you want 'em to work...
115
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:20,300
Well, it's a wonderful life.
116
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,000
I don't know.
117
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,734
Sometimes, I think it might have
been better if I was never born.
118
00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:28,234
[BUZZING]
119
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:36,200
MAN:
Hey, buddy.
120
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,300
You all right?
121
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,634
Ah, there you are.
122
00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:42,834
Yeah.
123
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,367
You're okay.
124
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,200
You're gonna be fine.
125
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,767
Well, thanks, buddy.
Uh...who are you?
126
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,968
I'm a guardian angel.
127
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:00,601
Matter of fact,
I'm looking for, uh,
128
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:01,601
an Al Bundy.
129
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:02,701
Do you know
an Al Bundy?
130
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:04,534
I'm Al Bundy.
131
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,133
Noooo!!
132
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:11,801
Could you stop playing Nintendo
up there for a minute?!
133
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:13,701
What kind of a mess
have you gotten me into?!
134
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,434
What have you done to me?!
135
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,667
[SOBS]
136
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:27,133
There, there, buddy.
137
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,367
Uh, how about
I go get my gun
138
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,300
and shoot you
with a nice silver bullet?
139
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,634
[MOANS]
140
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:33,000
Would you like that,
buddy?
141
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:36,901
You'll just have to give me
a minute with this, Bundy.
142
00:08:36,901 --> 00:08:39,167
I thought I was here
to save a human soul.
143
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:42,834
That's all right.
Never mind.
144
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:43,834
Hold on a minute.
145
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,901
Oh, thanks a lot!
146
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,367
You can turn water into wine,
147
00:08:51,367 --> 00:08:53,367
but you can't send me
with any booze, huh?!
148
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,634
Love ya!
149
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:59,000
Oh, I get it.
150
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,701
You're one
of my wife's relatives.
151
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:05,200
I've never seen
one upright before.
152
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:12,000
No, much like a neutered dog,
you don't get it, Bundy.
153
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:14,868
Read my lips.
154
00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:16,901
I'm your guardian angel.
155
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,234
Oh, I see.
Hell, I gotta apologize.
156
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:21,667
I just thought you were a nut.
157
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,701
Well, I'll get my guitar
and call Elvis.
158
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:27,701
The three of us will
rock in the New Year.
159
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,601
Hey, it's no sleigh ride
for me either, Bundy.
160
00:09:33,601 --> 00:09:34,934
Usually,
on Christmas,
161
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:36,968
I'd be over at Moses' house.
162
00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:40,200
I'd be out by the pool,
waiting for the new guy
163
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,267
to jump off the board.
164
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:42,801
And then Mo parts the water.
165
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:44,334
[LAUGHS]
166
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,567
Now, that's Christmas!
167
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,667
That's Christmas, man.
168
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:52,234
Yeah, but I sort
of fell from grace.
169
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:54,234
They, uh-- They caught me
scalpin' tickets
170
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:55,667
to a Jimi Hendrix concert.
171
00:09:57,434 --> 00:10:00,400
And here I am.
But enough about me.
172
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,167
What's it gonna take
to convince you that
173
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,267
I'm your guardian angel?
174
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,300
Make my Christmas lights work.
175
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,167
[FINGERS SNAP]
176
00:10:18,834 --> 00:10:20,567
That's amazing.
177
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,701
You are an angel.
Hey, I want another wish.
178
00:10:22,701 --> 00:10:24,167
Aren't you supposed
to get three?
179
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:27,067
Hey, don't be a wish pig,
Bundy, all right?
180
00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:28,834
You want three wishes?
Get a genie.
181
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,734
Besides, anything that
I can't get a receipt for
182
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:34,167
comes out of my own pocket.
183
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,300
Aw, come on.
184
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,834
Just give me one more.
185
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,133
Turn the lights back off,
and give me the Hee Haw girls.
186
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,701
I've been sittin' around
waitin' for them to die myself.
187
00:10:46,701 --> 00:10:47,734
[LAUGHS]
188
00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:52,567
I know you think
you got it tough.
189
00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:54,167
Your wife doesn't respect you.
190
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:56,167
Your kids think
you're a failure.
191
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,167
A good day for you
is when you don't come across
192
00:10:58,167 --> 00:10:59,400
any new foot diseases.
193
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,334
Believe me, I sympathize.
194
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,868
But you think your life reeks?
195
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:05,767
Take a whiff of mine, pal.
196
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:09,767
My wife gained 100 pounds
for every year we were married.
197
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,234
We had two kids. I think
she ate 'em. I don't know.
198
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:16,567
I hated drivin' home so much,
199
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:19,968
I had vanity plates written up
that said, "Hit me."
200
00:11:19,968 --> 00:11:24,601
But despite it all...
she loved me.
201
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,634
You know how I know?
202
00:11:26,634 --> 00:11:29,634
Because she told me!
203
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:31,667
Oh, yeah,
when I was at work,
204
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:35,200
she loved my father,
my brother, my bookie.
205
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,901
But when I found my
grandfather's teeth in my bed
206
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:40,601
under the pillow, then I knew
there was trouble in paradise.
207
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,000
That's when I did what any
other man would do, Bundy.
208
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,334
I canceled my insurance,
and I hung myself.
209
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:49,801
Showed her, huh?
210
00:11:49,801 --> 00:11:51,400
[LAUGHS]
211
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:57,968
And you're here to help me, huh?
212
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:02,200
That I am, my man.
213
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,200
See, if I help you,
I get my wings.
214
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,133
And that means a lot up there,
especially with the chicks.
215
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:13,133
If I get wings, I get to pick up
on the girls who died young.
216
00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:17,501
Well, that sounds great for you,
217
00:12:17,501 --> 00:12:18,868
but what are you gonna do
for me?
218
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:21,033
Show me that my life can
only get worse?
219
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,634
What are you gonna do? Give me
two more wives? Three more kids?
220
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:25,968
Make me a--
Make me a White Sox fan?
221
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,133
No, Bundy. We're gonna
take a little trip.
222
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:32,868
Just like you wondered,
I'm gonna show you
223
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:35,067
what it would've been like
if you'd never been born.
224
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,067
Let's party.
225
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:37,634
[FINGERS SNAP]
226
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:52,367
[FINGERS SNAP]
227
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,767
[HUMS "HOME, SWEET HOME"]
228
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:04,300
Peg!
229
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,767
It's me...
and my angel.
230
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,467
She doesn't know
you're there, Bundy,
231
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:12,934
Just like when
you're havin' sex.
232
00:13:12,934 --> 00:13:14,267
[LAUGHS]
233
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:20,901
Wait a second.
234
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,234
She's cooking.
235
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,567
She told me she was
allergic to fire.
236
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:28,300
Gee, that's weird.
237
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,834
I guess after I died,
women started lyin', huh?
238
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:41,868
Hello, Mother.
239
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:45,400
Oh, you're home
a trifle late, dear.
240
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,734
Oh, yes, I know.
241
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:48,968
Regrettable,
but necessary.
242
00:13:48,968 --> 00:13:51,934
I had to stop on the way home
to soundly thrash a bully,
243
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,834
who was making lewd
and suggestive comments
244
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,300
to some female
school chums.
245
00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,801
Oh, Mother, when will men
realize that the delicate flower
246
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,267
of womanhood must be allowed
to bloom in freedom?
247
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,934
You're such
a fine young man.
248
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,934
I knew it would pay
to breastfeed you
249
00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:11,234
till you were 9.
250
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,501
Do you need
any money, dear?
251
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:22,534
Oh, no. I could never
take money from you.
252
00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:25,234
You and Father have given me
the greatest gift of all:
253
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:26,901
the gift of life.
254
00:14:26,901 --> 00:14:28,801
Would he feel it
if I kicked him?
255
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:32,901
No, but for a little
extra cash,
256
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:34,534
I could give him
your dog's face.
257
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:37,167
Would you take an IOU?
258
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,400
Not from you.
259
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:41,200
Hello, Mama!
260
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,701
I'm home from college.
261
00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:49,334
College?
262
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,334
She flunked lunch
in high school.
263
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,400
Good news.
264
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,434
They're publishing
my poetry in French.
265
00:14:56,434 --> 00:14:57,434
Oh.
Oh.
266
00:14:57,434 --> 00:15:00,133
Oh, Budrick.
267
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,534
Mwah.
Mwah.
268
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,267
You look fabulous.
269
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:05,601
You really must be popular
with the ladies.
270
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:10,267
Well, I've broken a few hearts,
but gained some good friends.
271
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:15,167
And you, dear sister,
are you still frigid?
272
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:22,033
Yes, but pleasures of the flesh
muddy the thinking.
273
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,601
She's right, you know.
274
00:15:23,601 --> 00:15:25,934
I saved myself
for marriage.
275
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:29,367
Oh, come on!
276
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,734
The football team
retired her jersey.
277
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:39,934
I mean, what kind of guy
would marry her
278
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:41,267
if she wasn't
puttin' out?
279
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:47,801
* I saw Mommy kissing
Santa Claus *
280
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:49,601
It's Daddy!
It's Daddy!
281
00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:52,234
Ho-ho! Family!
282
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,367
Oh, Daddy!
283
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:54,767
Dear heart!
284
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:55,767
Ha-ha-ha!
285
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,334
Oh.
286
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:58,501
[GIGGLES]
287
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,000
There they go again.
288
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:04,234
You know those wings
you been wantin'?
Yeah.
289
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:07,367
You think you can make a pair
out of this guy's kidneys?
290
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,868
Hey, don't worry
about him, Bundy.
291
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,267
I checked into his future.
292
00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:12,968
By the time he's 60,
his stomach is so ulcer-ridden
293
00:16:12,968 --> 00:16:14,634
that-- Oh.
Oh, that's you.
294
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:18,667
Sorry, man.
Sorry.
295
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,801
So, how was
your day, honey?
296
00:16:20,801 --> 00:16:24,334
Oh, wonderful as every day
since we met.
297
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:28,200
Am I the only one
who can taste the bile?
298
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,767
Oh, by the way, dear,
I didn't have a chance
299
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:34,367
to finish
the Christmas cookies.
300
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:37,467
I had a run-in
with a shoe salesman today.
301
00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:38,968
There she goes.
She's leavin' him.
302
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:41,100
No one can resist
a shoe salesman.
303
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,834
I was only trying on shoes
for a couple of hours,
304
00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:45,801
and he barked at me.
305
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:49,534
He was a rude, smelly,
uneducated, little man. Hmph.
306
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:53,467
Imagine, a grown man selling
shoes for a living. Ha-ha!
307
00:16:55,868 --> 00:16:57,567
But let us remember
the old adage,
308
00:16:57,567 --> 00:17:02,934
"I lamented I had no shoes until
I saw the man who sold them."
309
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:08,667
I'll bet you're all wondering
where your presents are.
310
00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:10,400
Oh, Father...
311
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,701
you needn't get us anything.
312
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:13,701
What?!
313
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,634
Oh, yes.
314
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:19,501
Your love and guidance
all these years means more to us
315
00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:21,267
than any store-bought bauble.
316
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:24,267
Oh--
I--
317
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,534
I just love
you guys so much.
318
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,200
Well, gee,
this was fun.
319
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:34,801
What do we do next?
320
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,868
Go back in time to the day
I should have been conceived?
321
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:39,868
Watch my father invent
the condom?
322
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:45,667
No.
323
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,300
No more time travel
for me.
324
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,300
It gives me the runs.
325
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,901
Besides, Bundy,
you're the one that wanted
326
00:17:51,901 --> 00:17:54,200
to see what life would be like
if you'd never been born.
327
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,801
So grin and bear it.
328
00:17:55,801 --> 00:18:00,167
Family, I have
a little announcement.
329
00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:04,334
I do have a special Christmas
present for everyone.
330
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:08,200
I've watched you all suffer
in this hovel for years,
331
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,801
but over the years,
332
00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:14,234
I've been saving, and that,
along with Mommy's sewing money,
333
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,801
has allowed me
to buy us a new house.
334
00:18:16,801 --> 00:18:18,968
A mansion, really.
335
00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:22,434
So how about joining me
in a "Whoa, Jablonski."
336
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,767
TOGETHER:
Whoa, Jablonski!
337
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:28,267
[MOUTHING]
Whoa, Jablonski?
338
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:32,667
Oh, Norman,
what a special Christmas.
339
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:36,067
Let's just stand here
and love each other.
340
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,167
Kids.
341
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:42,834
I love you.
342
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:43,834
I love you.
343
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:44,834
I love you.
344
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:45,834
I love you.
345
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:46,834
I love you.
346
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,501
I love you.
347
00:18:48,501 --> 00:18:50,801
ALL:
I love you.
348
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:54,868
Now, that's the straw that
broke the camel's back.
349
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:57,634
I'm sorry, Bundy.
I failed you.
350
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:59,801
I was supposed to show you
why you should live,
351
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:01,367
but I can't think
of one darn reason.
352
00:19:02,801 --> 00:19:04,234
I'll never get
my wings now.
353
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,667
And you know what kind
of woman you get in heaven
354
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:09,901
drivin' around
in a '78 Pinto?
355
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:11,601
The same kind of woman
you get down here
356
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,467
drivin' around a '78 Pinto.
357
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:15,901
God, I'm depressed.
358
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,033
Well, that's better.
359
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:26,434
Wait a second.
360
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,934
I wanna be back
with my family.
361
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:32,300
Why?
362
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:35,667
Look at them.
They're happy.
363
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,634
Not a care in the world.
364
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,634
You think I'm gonna
let that happen
365
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:42,467
after all the grief
they put me through?
366
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,534
I want to live!
367
00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:48,133
Bundy, are you serious?
368
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:49,634
That means I'm gonna
be an angel!
369
00:19:49,634 --> 00:19:51,367
I'm gonna get my wings!
370
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:53,601
I'm gonna be a real angel!
371
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,267
But first--
372
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:58,067
First I'm gonna go take
a look at my ex-wife.
373
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:00,234
You really did love her, huh?
374
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:01,667
No.
375
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,567
No, I just wanna put a package
of Ding Dongs just out of reach
376
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,167
of her porkpie fingers.
377
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:10,234
And then, as she oozes that
thousand-pound bulk
378
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:11,234
over the table,
379
00:20:11,234 --> 00:20:13,100
lifts up three of her chins
380
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,434
so she's able to put
one of 'em into her mouth,
381
00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:17,000
I'm gonna turn 'em
into me!
382
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,033
A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
383
00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:20,601
How do you like that,
Thelma?
384
00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:22,667
Daddy's home for Christmas!
385
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,734
You pig! You slut!
386
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:26,701
Take a bite of this, Shamu!
387
00:20:26,701 --> 00:20:28,234
Aah!
388
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,434
PEGGY:
Al, get up!
389
00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:41,667
Peg.
390
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,400
You know me?
391
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:47,033
Well, of course,
I know you.
392
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:49,334
Why do you think
I didn't help you up?
393
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:52,868
Come on, kids,
let's go inside.
394
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:54,934
Knowing your father,
he'll catch pneumonia,
395
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:56,834
cough on us,
and we'll all get sick.
396
00:20:56,834 --> 00:20:58,534
Out of the way, Al.
397
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,133
Yeah, you rotten...
398
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,234
KELLY:
God.
399
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:04,534
[DOOR SLAMS]
400
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,701
Bud, quick--
401
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:13,100
What's more important:
love or money?
402
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,067
Well, money, Dad.
I can always rent love.
403
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:16,133
[LAUGHS]
404
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,367
Kelly, quick--
405
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:20,200
What's the color
of an orange?
406
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,601
No multiple choice?
407
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:25,634
You mean, just straight
off the top of my head?
408
00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:27,300
Ha, no. Don't worry
about it, pumpkin.
409
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,934
Peg, bake me
some Christmas cookies.
410
00:21:29,934 --> 00:21:31,334
Drop dead, Al.
411
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:32,434
[LAUGHING]
All right!
412
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,934
Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood.
413
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:38,834
You know, they raised
the Christmas platter
414
00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:40,300
at Denny's 50 cents.
415
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:44,100
So we had to go to the Spud Hut
for their Holiday Tater Feast.
416
00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:47,467
Thanks a lot, Al.
417
00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:50,033
This is the worst
Christmas I've ever had.
418
00:21:50,033 --> 00:21:51,868
Yeah, me too.
This reeks.
419
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,801
Just a regular orange?
420
00:21:56,801 --> 00:21:58,701
[LAUGHS]
421
00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:00,667
I've got my family back.
422
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:05,100
ANGEL:
Okay, heaven, I'm back.
423
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,367
Open up the gates.
424
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,434
What do you mean,where's my badge?
425
00:22:09,434 --> 00:22:11,667
It's in my luggage.
426
00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:13,667
They lost my luggage?
427
00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:17,067
Ow, ow.Ow! Aah!
428
00:22:29,634 --> 00:22:31,067
[***]
429
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,100
* It's beginningTo look a lot like Christmas *
430
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:39,234
* Everywhere you go *
431
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:40,701
* Take a lookIn the five-and-ten *
432
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:42,734
* Glistenin' once again *
433
00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,968
* With candy canesAnd silver lanes aglow *
434
00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,434
* It's beginningTo look a lot like Christmas *
435
00:22:50,267 --> 00:22:51,634
* Toys in every store *
436
00:22:52,934 --> 00:22:54,334
* But the prettiest sightTo see *
437
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:56,434
* Is the holly that will be *
438
00:22:57,367 --> 00:22:58,434
* On your own front door *
439
00:22:59,133 --> 00:23:00,133
* On your own *
440
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:02,100
* Front *
441
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:04,367
* Door *
442
00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:06,434
CHORUS:
Merry Christmas!
29073
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