Original subtitles

[MACHINE DINGING]

You like to win, Dad? Like in the touch football games we have?

- Sure. Everybody likes to win. - But it's not okay to cheat.

- Oh, no, it certainly is not. - Good.

Because I didn't cheat in arithmetic today.

- Oh? Why is that such a big deal? - Because I got an F.

- Is that your first F, Nicholas? - Yeah.

But I'll get a G next time, I promise.

[DINGING RAPIDLY]

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHANTING] Let's go! Let's fight! Bradfords go!

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

GREG: Let's go. All right, Maxwells. Ready? One, two...

Hut. Hut. Hyah!

[ALL GRUNTING]

BOY: Over here!

Over here!

[GIRLS CHEERING]

[ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

GREG: Over here.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

ALL [CHANTING]: Arriba, arraba, sis-boom-bah.

Bradfords, Bradfords, rah, rah, rah!

- All right. Let's go. DAVID: All right. Ready.

GIRL: Come on. Kill. DAVID: Get your blocks this time.

Hey, hut. Hey, hut.

SUSAN: Joanie. MARY: All right, Joanie.

SUSAN: Joanie, get it. Come on.

TOM: Throw it, Mary.

SUSAN: Come on.

[ALL YELLING]

Time-out. Time-out.

Time-out. That's half-time. That's time-out.

- Ten minutes. Come on. GREG: Come on, time-out, gang.

[ALL CHATTERING]

- Yeah. - Dad, what's the score?

- Who counts? - That means we're behind.

- A little. - How little?

Well, uh, 30 to 18. But we can make that up in no time.

- Or in no time will we make that up. - Come on.

- Heh. - That's funny.

JOANIE: Yeah. MARY: Oh.

JOANIE: Okay, where's the can opener?

[ALL CHATTERING]

You are so lucky.

Because I got my health...

and when you got your health you've got everything.

No. Because we should be beating you...

by at least three touchdowns.

Second half, we're gonna make a comeback.

Right, you and Harold Stassen.

Hey, Greg.

Hey. Neil.

- Michael. How are you? - Winded and thirsty.

That's as subtle a hint as I can give.

Well, let me do the honors.

Uh, Tom, this is Dr. Hammer. And his son, Michael.

- Pleased to meet you, doctor. - Excuse the glove.

- Yeah, Michael, how are you? - Fine.

They just moved into town.

Neil's in the same medical building I am.

- Oh, really? That's good. - Yeah. Thanks.

There are some, uh, snacks and things over there if you want some.

Oh, no thanks, we'll pass.

That kind of stuff is poison to a healthy mouth.

Uh, that's the stuff my kids are having for lunch.

Well, they're your children, Mr. Bradford. Not mine.

As I always say, to each his own.

- What's the occasion? - Touch football.

Couple times a month.

I have a fee splitting arrangement with a chiropractor across the hall.

You're just in time for the half-time show.

- Yeah, what's that? - Well, that's when all my kids...

eat the poison that my wife prepared for them.

There's some, uh, carrots and celery sticks too.

Okay, if I chow down a little bit, Dad?

Hey, hey, we still have 12 miles to go...

if we're going to do that 20 today.

- I know. I'll be right back. - Okay.

Eh!

[CHUCKLES]

Twenty miles? You're into this thing pretty seriously.

As I always say, if you're going to do a thing...

you might as well do it all the way or not at all.

Oh, really? Don't they say moderation in all things?

Well, moderation in all things implies moderation in moderation too.

Hey, tell me, can somebody else get into these games out here?

Like, uh, maybe another team challenging the winner?

Well, it's kind of a closed shop, Neil. It's mostly, uh...

- family and friends. - Ah.

- Well, that's just as well. - Why?

Well, I mean your Sacramento-style football

looks a little too social than I'm used to.

By the looks of that football, I'd say so.

Yeah, it's real leather. Forty-seven fifty. Wholesale.

Holy mackerel. Fifty dollars for a football?

Fifty-eight seventy-five retail.

That's where Mike and I are going. To play a little touch football...

with a bunch of guys from the health club.

After biking 20 miles?

Well, you gotta get loosened up a little bit.

Well, uh, I have to give my team a little pep talk.

- Nice meeting you, Dr. Hammer. - You betcha.

Heh.

Pardon me.

You play in this game?

Yeah.

- I'm Mike Hammer. - Uh, David Bradford.

How do you do?

You know who that girl is over there? The one in the yellow sweatshirt?

- Yeah, that's, uh, my sister Nancy. - Your sister.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

Well, how about that one there? Strawberry blonde, kind of.

Ah, that's my sister, Susan.

What about the one in the glasses?

That's my sister, Mary.

Well, how about the one in the pony tail?

That's Joanie.

And, uh, the one next to her in the red shirt is Elizabeth.

- Your sister, Elizabeth? - Yeah, right.

- You're putting me on. - No, I'm not. Just ask my brothers.

[TOMMY YELLS]

Far out.

ELIZABETH: Mary, come here, take a look at Maria's letter.

It doesn't make any sense.

- Who's Maria? - Um, she's my Colombian pen pal.

Why doesn't it make any sense? You've studied Spanish.

Well, she says here that her father's company has gone on eggs.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Let's see.

- The mirror's all fogged up. SUSAN: Well, then wipe it off.

- I can't reach. SUSAN: Grow.

Your Spanish needs working on.

Maria's father's company is on strike.

The word for strike is huelga and the word for egg is huevo.

That's where you made your mistake.

- Oh, no. - What now?

For two years I've been going down to Pedro's Chile Place...

and ordering fried strikes. Oh, I could die.

- That is so embarrassing. - Ha, ha. It's okay. That's all right.

Sacramento-style football.

Where does he come off talking like that?

Tom, we're not exactly playing in the Super Bowl, you know.

I know. It's just that I resent it when these guys...

come into town from a bigger place and then they start lording it all over us.

Who said Dr. Hammer was from someplace bigger?

- Huh? You did. Didn't you? - No, he's from a little town in Ohio.

I don't think I've ever seen you with such a chip on your shoulder...

about someone you barely know.

Agreed. How come?

I... I... Well, I don't know. I think it's the name Hammer.

Oh. That's a good reason. Terrific.

No, no, no. It's not the reason. It's the association.

When I was a sophomore in college, I, uh... I used to date this girl.

Beverly Powlsdorf. She had a figure like...

She... Ahem. She had a figure period.

Don't worry about us, Dad.

Everyone says it's all right to lust in your heart this season.

Even if it is an exercise in nostalgia.

Yes, well, at any rate, I take Beverly to the, uh...

Michigan State/Notre Dame football game...

and I bet her a kiss that Notre Dame will win.

I know it sounds crazy...

but there was a time when people actually were so warped...

that they actually bet kisses on the outcome of a game.

- That's twisted. - Yes, it's twisted.

Well, anyway, it's the last quarter, right?

There's five seconds to go, Notre Dame is on the five...

and they're just about to make a field goal and win the whole game.

At this moment, there are visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.

A rotten defensive back by the name of Hammer blocks the kick.

And Powlsdorf, the body, dumped daddy.

Mm. I didn't want to marry Beverly Powlsdorf.

I just wanted to kiss her.

[ALL LAUGH]

That's all?

I could use some help setting the table...

before this conversation gets out of hand.

- Sure, you've got it. NANCY: The more the merrier.

- Let's go. - Okay.

- Tom. - Yeah?

- It's the same guy. - What's the same guy?

Dr. Hammer and the guy who blocked the Notre Dame football kick.

- It's the same guy. - No, no, no.

The guy who blocked the kick was Richard Hammer...

and your friend the doctor is Neil.

The sign on his door reads R. Neil Hammer.

He doesn't use his first name.

I remember him.

I remember how he jumped up in the air...

and waves his arms over his head.

And I was thinking what an arrogant so-and-so he must be.

Tom...

you're not carrying around some 25-year-old grudge, are you?

Huh? Me? No, no. That would be childish.

But I'll tell you one thing about that doctor.

Yeah, what's that?

He certainly hasn't changed much in 25 years, has he?

- But no grudge. - No grudge.

Then let me ask you something.

Why are you putting chip dip in a bowl that's already full of potato chips?

Because it's there.

Try and get ahold of Mr. Schumaker.

I'll need more information on the art festival...

- if he wants me to do a column on it. - Right.

He could come by here this afternoon.

We could talk about it. That would be great.

- That's not a good idea. - This is important.

Ho, ho, I almost forgot. Drop this in the mail.

It's Elizabeth's letter to her pen pal.

Joanie told me at the house. She said don't forget...

because Elizabeth and her pen pal are close.

- You know what that could mean. - I know what it means.

I'll mail the letter, but Mr. Schumaker will not be able to come in.

- No, why not? - Because you will not be here.

- I won't be here. Where will I be? - The dentist. Yearly checkup.

You can't get out of it because you've already canceled twice.

Tell Dr. Reynolds I'll be there this afternoon.

It's not Dr. Reynolds.

He's retired and turned his practice over to a new guy.

Tell the new guy in town I will be there this afternoon.

Okay, good.

- New guy in town. - Yeah.

Poison to a healthy mouth.

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

HAMMER: Hmm.

It's not good, but it's not bad.

But it's not good either.

Do you think you're gonna have to drill?

I don't know yet. We'll have to take a look...

and see what's going on.

You've got a sweet tooth though...

because that, uh, little pot of yours is a dead giveaway.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, most men your age all forget that staying in shape is more important now...

than when we were younger.

Now, take me for example. I'm still 200 pounds.

Same as I weighed when I played football for Michigan State.

That's me in that picture there blocking that kick.

I know.

Oh, you do?

Well, I guess a lot of people saw that picture.

Went on the wire services from coast to coast.

I know.

[CHUCKLES]

Lot of people lost a lot of bets that day when I busted through there...

and got a piece of that thing.

- Yeah, that was quite a moment. - I know.

Yes, there's nothing like it.

- You play any kind of sports? - Sure.

You saw me playing football in the park last Sunday. Don't you remember?

Ha, ha. I mean real sports. Like in your college days.

Yes. I played football on the college team.

You played football? You gotta be kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

- What string? - First string.

- And, uh, what position did you play? - Blocking back.

Blocking back. What do you mean blocking back?

- We played single wing. - Single wing?

You played for a school that still used the single wing? Ha!

I thought that went out at the turn of the century.

No, no, no. A lot of the schools played single wing formation...

- right up until the 1950s. - Ha, ha. Come on, open up.

The single wing?

Ah, tell me something, doctor.

What did you mean last Sunday when you said football Sacramento-style?

Well, it's just that your kind of football was a little bit too casual for my tastes.

That's why I didn't challenge the winner.

Really, I thought you backed off...

because you were afraid you might not be able to win.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Bradford.

Oh, my...

I said, I thought you backed off...

because you didn't think you'd be able to win.

That was two-hand touch, wasn't it?

Two-hand touch.

- Twelve minute quarters? - Twelve minute quarters.

Is a week from this coming Sunday all right with you?

That's just fine.

Well, you've got yourself a football game, Mr. Bradford.

And you'd better bear down...

because this is gonna hurt you.

JOANIE: No way, Dad. Really, no way.

Come on, kids. Let's do it. Come on. It'll be a lot of fun.

- Dad, we don't even know these people. - Yes, you do know him in a way.

- He's your dentist. - I don't even have a dental appointment...

- for eight months. - You don't want to meet your dentist...

in a dentist office for the first time. I mean that's so cold and sterile. Agh.

Daddy, have you met who this Dr. Hammer's got for players?

He might have eight guys on his team.

- All right, so what? NANCY: So what?

- They'll kill us, that's what. So what? - Don't be so negative.

Touch football is a game of quickness, cunning and guile.

It has nothing to do with brute strength.

No, Dad's right. It's a game of quickness.

Thank you.

- What if they're quicker than we are? - Ha-ha-ha.

Big Foot's quicker than Dad is.

NICHOLAS: I think Daddy's right.

JOANIE: Nicholas, do you even know what we're talking about?

We're talking about all you guys ganging up on Dad and I don't think that's fair.

I'm going to give some pizza to my turtle.

Pizza isn't good for turtles.

Don't tell the turtle, he ordered the anchovies.

[ALL LAUGH]

Come on, let's not change the subject.

Let's get back to Dr. Hammer's football game.

Dad, Dad, maybe, uh... Maybe we're all overlooking something.

I mean what's the big deal? Why is this game so important to you?

You know...

I don't know. It's because I'm a middle-aged man.

And middle-aged men are supposed to be mature and adult.

But somewhere deep inside there's this 10-year-old boy...

that wants nothing more...

than to get that smug Dr. Hammer and wipe up the football field with him.

That's unrealistic and silly and I know it.

But that 10-year-old boy doesn't know it and he never will.

I better go and help Nicholas feed his turtle.

Well, brothers and sisters of the jury, may I sum up?

The facts in this case haven't changed...

and, uh, the defendant admits to having a kind of temporary insanity...

that seems, uh, to affect men at a certain time in their life.

- Like from age eight to 80. - Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Eh.

So if we vote to turn him down, I'll respect that vote.

Mary, it's dumb. I mean, you know it's dumb.

Dumb, it's dumb.

Is it as dumb as me joining a sorority...

and having to dye my hair purple for a week?

Or Elizabeth, is it as dumb as writing a love letter to, uh, Donny Osmond?

- And David to talk... - As dumb as continuing to talk...

when you've already laid enough guilt on us to make us honorary Nazis.

Okay, okay. I made my point then, yeah?

- Yeah, like Captain Kangaroo. - Yes.

MARY: We agree. There will be a football game.

We don't have much choice, do we?

- Good, then I think I'll celebrate. - Eh!

Ah-ah-ah.

- You can't. - Why not?

Big game coming up, Sis.

- You're in training. - Look who's talking.

[ALL CHATTERING]

- Hi, Dad, what you doing? - Hi, Nicholas. Washing the car.

What for? It'll just get dirty again.

Yeah. But I mean, if I never wash it, it would always be dirty.

This way it's only dirty half the time. Heh.

What's wrong with being dirty?

Well, doesn't it look better when it's clean?

That's what's nice about just having a skateboard.

- What? - It always runs great...

and I never have to wash it.

Hey, you want to trade?

JOANIE: How many more laps? SUSAN: Two, just two.

MARY: Just two.

I never thought equality meant I had to be a wide receiver.

I've had it you guys. Really, come on, let's stop.

Hey, wait, you can't quit now. That's Dr. Hammer's son.

Morning.

- Hi. - I'm Mike Hammer.

- You guys run out here every day? - Sure do.

- How far? - Three miles and that's it, right here.

- Nancy. - Three miles?

- You guys run it every day? - That's it. Three miles.

- Love it, don't we? Just love it. - Why?

Oh, you mean... [STAMMERS]

apart from the, uh, cardiovascular benefits, you mean?

Apart from that, yeah.

Uh, well, the benefits involve getting into good enough shape...

to beat your team next Sunday, that's the benefit.

You mean your father is gonna let girls play?

- Ugh. - Heh.

You're putting me on.

You guys are going to get your heads handed to you.

- He's cute, huh? - Yeah.

Hey, touch football is a game of guile and quickness not brute strength.

Yeah. But it's pretty hard to be quick when you get knocked on your fannies.

Oh, ha, ha. I wouldn't be too sure about that, Michael.

Remember in the movie Rocky...

when everyone was laughing when he was out doing his...

Don't spoil it. I haven't seen Rocky yet.

I know all about the road work sequence...

but remember what happened when he got into the fight?

Please, let's change the subject.

I haven't seen Rocky or the fight sequence.

He was already over the hill. We're just in our prime.

Right! You know, when he fought in that fight...

I don't wanna hear anymore about the movie, okay? No more.

- I mean, he... - Come on, Joanie.

Come on, come on. We've still got more running to do.

Yeah.

You guys can run from here to the border...

but it's not gonna do you any good.

There's no way you're gonna win.

- No way. MARY: Hey, Hammer?

Huh?

- You ever seen Citizen Kane? - No.

Good.

Rosebud's a sled.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

Rosebud.

- Hi, Nicholas, did the mail get here yet? - I don't know.

- Is anybody home? - Just Tommy.

He said not to bother him unless it was about the earthquake.

What earthquake? What are you talking about?

MARY: I get the shower first.

NANCY: We're gonna flip for it. JOANIE: We have four people...

- and two sides of a coin... - Would you guys please shut up?

Now, Nicholas slowly.

What are you talking about? Earthquake?

The one in Colombia by where your friend lives.

- You mean Maria? - Yeah.

Tommy said they talked on the radio about a bad earthquake around where she lives.

Oh, God.

Elizabeth, these things are hard to tell about, really.

Maria's probably fine.

SUSAN: There aren't any tall skyscrapers.

I bet there's hardly any damage at all.

What can I do? I've gotta do something.

Anybody wanna play catch?

Gotta get some practice.

You nitwit.

- What's going on? NANCY: Tommy.

- What's the matter? - Tommy.

What did I do?

All I'm trying to do is read Tommy Atomic.

What does a guy have to do around here to get privacy?

Girls!

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO]

- Wrong. - What?

- What's wrong? - Eighty six the olive.

I can drink the martini, but I can't eat the olive?

That's a heck of a diet, doctor.

It was your idea to go into training for this idiotic football game. Well, fine.

You're on a high protein, low carbohydrate diet.

Many carbohydrates in olives. A bozo no-no. Hand it over.

Agh, greater love hath no man to give up his olive for the sake of the team.

I have something I want to show you.

I want your opinion on this.

I think we should notify the family or send the poor devil to Lourdes.

What am I looking at?

This is a play that we used in high school.

This is a triple spinner reverse. Let me show you.

The ball was hiked back here like this and then I would come...

Ha-ha-ha! A triple spinner reverse.

Sounds more like a chapter heading out of Captain Billy's Whizbang.

Oh, really, well, we'll see how funny you think it is on Sunday, doctor.

He has a very interesting strategy. As we fall down laughing...

they go down the field and make a touchdown. Ha-ha-ha.

You're coming on a little strong.

After all, Tom's a pretty fair country athlete.

Oh?

What country is that? Lapland?

Do you see what I told you about being arrogant? Now do you see?

Listen, Bradford, I'm not being arrogant.

Arrogant is if I should say...

I should be playing quarterback for the 49ers.

Now, that is arrogant.

But I'm not saying that.

All I'm saying is that we're gonna beat you guys.

That's not arrogant. That's factual.

- What'd I tell you? - Tom, stay out of this.

If you're so sure of winning, uh, how about a little wager?

- Between me and you? - Between you and Tom.

- What are we betting on? - Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

If you lose, you will provide the Bradford family...

with free dental care for the next year.

- How many kids he have? - He has eight.

Eight.

You're talking a very heavy outlay of inlay, my friend.

- Put up or shut up, my friend. - Yeah, put up or shut up my...

Well, uh, what's he got to put up?

Well, if you win...

Tom will publicly acknowledge the defeat in his column...

mentioning your name and the final score of the game.

Newspaper column. Heh.

Tell me, do, uh, a lot of people read his column?

Sure, a lot of people read his column. His column? My column.

Well?

Okay, you're on. Let's drink to it.

Fine. Bartender?

One Bloody Mary and two martinis.

[IN UNISON] Hold the olives.

- What's the matter? - Bad dream.

Oh, well...

if it's between bad dreams and my snoring...

I think you got the worst of the bargain.

[ELIZABETH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Thanks.

[ELIZABETH CONTINUES SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Elizabeth, who are you calling? - Maria. Gracias, se�ora.

- At 3:00 in the morning? - She lives in a different time zone.

- And besides the rates are lower. - Oh.

She lives in Colombia!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Elizabeth. - Silencio, por favor.

Wha...? I'll pour your favor all over the place...

- if you don't get off this phone. - What are you doing?

Would you explain to your sister...?

Who are you calling at this hour?

- She's calling... - Would you let me talk?

- Go ahead. Talk. - I wanna tell her my side.

You don't have a side. Don't you understand?

There is no side to calling Colombia at 3:00 in the morning.

MARY: Colombia? - Not "Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean"...

not Columbia the motion picture company.

She is calling Colombia!

The Colombia!

What's going on?

Don't you guys realize what time it is?

Oh, do I realize what time it is? Yes, yes, I do realize what time it is.

She's calling Colombia because that's where Maria lives...

- and they had an earthquake. - I wanna make sure she's all right.

Is that so awful?

Oh.

Oh, sure, that's all right. I'm sorry.

It's just that you should have asked us first...

Yes, operator.

That line has been open the whole time.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

They can't get ahold of her.

- They said to try again tomorrow. - She'll say to try again tomorrow.

She works for the telephone company.

I'm hungry.

There's some cold macaroni in the refrigerator.

Hey, come on. We're up already. Let's go.

Joanie, Joanie, macaroni.

TOMMY: Dad.

Has anyone seen Nicholas?

- He's not in his bed. - Don't worry about Nicholas.

He's in my bed. He had a bad dream.

I intend to join him there as soon as possible.

NANCY: Dad?

What's going on down there? Where is everybody?

Everybody is downstairs.

Why are you so late in joining the convention?

Huh?

Oh. Well, I had to put something on.

I don't wear nightgowns anymore, Daddy.

Don't ask.

Don't ask. Definitely do not ask.

Just let it go.

ALL [CHANTING]: Dynamo, let's go. Dynamite, let's fight.

Dynamo, dynamite. All right.

NANCY: Let's go. JOANIE: Whoo!

Mary, hurry up, will you?

How come I can't play? How come I have to be a cheerleader?

Because you're not old enough to wear a truss.

- What's a truss? - I'll tell you something.

When you're old enough to wear one, you'll be old enough to play.

Now, get in the car.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Get in back.

TOM: Nicholas, did you go to the bathroom?

NICHOLAS: Yes, sir.

TOM: Good, we don't want to waste a time-out for a thing like that.

ALL [CHANTING]: Dynamo, let's go. Dynamite let's fight. Dynamo.

MAN: Ready.

Set. Hut one. Hut two. Hut three. Hut four.

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- Hut three. Hut four. Hut. Hut. HAMMER: Set it up right there.

MAN: Set.

Well, you ready?

Sure, we're ready.

- Hike. HAMMER: Agh! Oh!

- I've been watching them play, Tom. - Yeah?

You're not ready.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

GREG: Get him, David. You can... Tommy!

Nancy! Watch out for...

Tom, you're the last man, Tom!

Oof.

Touchdown, Hammers.

HAMMER: Way to go team. Way to go. Looking mighty good.

Hey, pops, how're you doing? Ha, ha!

NANCY: Dad, are you okay? - Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine, I'm fine. Come on, let's play.

Come on, let's go.

Hike.

Go, Mary, go.

[HAMMER LAUGHING]

Hey, way to go.

Touchdown, Hammers.

Play ball.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Touchdown Hammers.

HAMMER: Attaboy! Ha-ha-ha!

- Touchdown. - Touchdown.

[WHISTLES]

Half-time. Ten minute break.

HAMMER: Hey, ref...

- what's the score? - Forty-two to nothing. Hammers.

Hey, all right, all right. Huh?

- Will you put me in the game, Dad? - I'm sorry, son, I can't.

It's too rough out there for you.

I'm not afraid of those big guys. I can rip their tails off.

I'm sorry, son. But you've gotta pick on somebody your own size.

We're beat. I know it.

And you know it and they know it.

They've got us 42 to nothing, there's no way we can overcome a lead like that.

But we've got to score.

We can't let them skunk us. They'll never let us hear the end of it.

- They will have humiliated us. - So then we'll score.

And if that's what it comes to, we will.

If that's what we've got to do, that's what we'll do, that's all. We'll score.

I don't know how and I don't know when...

but I know one thing, we're gonna score.

So let's go score. Come on.

The ayes have it. The Bradfords are going to score.

ALL [CHANTING]: Dynamo, let's go. Dynamite, let's fight.

Bradfords, Bradfords, all right.

[ALL CHEERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

HAMMER: Ready! Set. Hike. Hut two.

[ALL GROANING]

Whoo-hoo!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

GREG: Touchdown!

[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GRUNTING]

- Hey! Ha, ha. - Get him. Get him.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Time-out! Time-out. HAMMER: What do you mean time-out?

- Time-out. - Why?

Referee wants a drink.

- How much time is there? - Little over two minutes.

- And what's the score? - Seventy-two to nothing or 78 to nothing.

- I forget which. Does it matter? - No, it doesn't. I guess.

Listen, uh, I could speed the clock up a little bit.

End the misery.

No, that would be surrendering and that would be cheating.

I know what it is. Do you want me to do it?

HAMMER: Come on! Let's get this over with.

Hey, this is the one.

Ready, set, hike.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

What's the matter with you? Come on. Get up.

TOM: That was great. That was great.

[MARY LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

- It's all right. It's all right. - Just call the plays. Okay?

- Hey. HAMMER: Come on.

Let's get some life here now. Come on.

Get on now. Come on.

We want this to be no score for that team. Come on.

Now, look, thanks to Mary, we're alive again.

- Yeah. - Let's take advantage of it, okay?

- Okay. - Here's what we're gonna do.

HAMMER: Catch the ball, now.

MARY: Let's go, one two, three, go. HAMMER: No score, right?

No score. Okay, no score.

TOM: Hut, two, three, blow.

HAMMER: Get it!

Hey, get it, get it, get it.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

HAMMER: Just plain lucky. Just plain lucky.

- All right, Dad. JOANIE: Hey, Dad, we're gonna do it.

Look, we're so close.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

One minute to play.

Bradfords, you got one time-out left!

- All right, now is the time. - Uh, for what?

- The triple spinner reverse. - All right.

[BRADFORDS SHOUTING AND WHISTLE BLOWING]

GREG: Forty-five seconds. - You guys ready?

TOM: Okay. All right. NANCY: Ready?

Hut, two, three, blow. Hut.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

What was that? Triple spinner reverse? Ha-ha-ha!

- Triple spinner reverse. - Used to work all the time.

TOM: I gave it to you. Nobody would take it. GREG: Thirty five seconds.

- Time-out! GREG: Time-out.

Listen, Mary and Tommy, you go out for a pass long.

The rest of us will block.

And David, just heave it as far as you can and we'll just hope that we get lucky.

Let's go.

- You guys ready? On this side? - Ready!

Hike.

Come on, Tommy, we need a touchdown.

HAMMER: Watch it, now. Leave it in the clear. Move in the clear.

Go, Tommy. Go, go, go.

Oh, no, no.

HAMMER: Way to go. - Tommy.

Tough luck, kid.

Tommy!

HAMMER: Way to go.

I don't believe what I just saw.

How could you drop that thing?

It's impossible what I just saw.

That ball had touchdown written all over it.

[STAMMERS]

There wasn't a soul within 10 yards of you.

Anybody with half a brain could have just taken that out.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Elizabeth, it's Maria.

Maria?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

She's fine and her family's fine.

- They didn't get hurt at all. - Oh, good, I'm glad.

Susan keep my dinner warm. I'll eat later.

Sure, Dad.

[WHOOPING ON TV]

Elizabeth, I'm glad your friend is okay. I really am.

I know you are, Daddy.

Well, I guess I'll turn in now.

Good night. See you all tomorrow.

Night, Tommy.

Right.

- How about a little supper? - I'm going to skip supper.

I'll see you tomorrow. Good night.

You guys ought to hear this.

Mary!

- I want you to hear something. - What is it?

It's Dad's column for tomorrow.

Sit down. Please, just listen. Okay?

Yeah, I think you ought to hear this, all of you.

"Yesterday, my family lost a touch football game.

The score was 72 to 0.

The other team was headed by Dr. Richard Hammer...

ex-Michigan State, all-American and a new resident here in Sacramento.

When I say we lost the game...

I mean much more than losing the point total...

that gets added up when it's all over.

I mean, we actually lost the game.

Lost sight of the reason we were all out there.

We made it war, we made it life and death.

We made it important. And it's not.

It won't matter in the slightest a day from now...

who scored more points or intercepted more passes.

What will matter is finding a cure for cancer...

or feeding people who are starving...

or being able to predict earthquakes.

Those things will matter.

What I will remember is not who scored or how they scored...

but the look in my son's eyes when I screamed at him like a 3-year-old.

My son is a graceful and gifted athlete and I love him very much.

I do not love him because he's an athlete.

I love him because he's my son...

he's part of our family and he ought to have the right...

to go on dropping passes from now till the turn of the century...

without feeling that each drop in any way...

threatens the love his father holds for him.

So we got beat yesterday.

That's happened before.

It'll happen again.

But when it happens, it's going to happen in a game...

a silly dopey game...

not in some macho test of honor or courage.

This family's honor...

and maybe the country's honor, doesn't depend on winning contests.

It depends on us being straight with us, that's all.

With us being straight with each other."

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, come in.

- Hi, Tommy. - Hi.

What can I do for you?

I forgot to kiss you good night.

Tommy...

I'm glad you remembered.

- Yeah, so am I, and Dad? - Yeah?

Don't worry. We'll get them next year.

Touchdown.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Who ripped off my slice of pizza?

[MUMBLING]

- That was my piece of pizza. - It didn't have your name on it.

I've been thinking about that pizza all morning.

Oh, well, the early bird catches the pizza.

Good morning.

NANCY: Morning, Dad. - Oh, what is this? Salami, pizza, cookies.

- This is breakfast? MARY: Mm-hm.

- Oh. TOMMY: We're breaking training.

Oh, one loss and all the nutrition and discipline goes right down the drain.

SUSAN: Yeah.

Nicholas...

what kind of sandwich are you eating?

Peanut butter and jelly bean.

A peanut butter and jelly bean sandwich?

The peanut butter's there to keep the jelly beans from falling off.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, that's awful and terrible for you.

- I know. TOM: Well, then why are you eating it?

Because we ate all that good junk and lost 72 to nothing.

No, no we lost 72 to nothing because the other team was better.

[ALL GRUMBLE]

NICHOLAS: Okay, then I'll have some cereal. - I'll get it for you, Nicky.

You're putting a peanut butter and jelly bean sandwich in your pocket.

I know. I'm going to eat it for lunch.

Has anybody got an olive?

[ALL CHATTERING]

[English - US -SDH]

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