All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S02E03.Swim.With.Dolphins

OK. Here's something.

'The Bucket List. '

'See the glaciers before they melt. '

'Go on an African safari. '

'Encounter the world's
largest mammal. '

'The ultimate things to do
before you die. Or are they?'

there's no way I'd want
to be climbing Kilimanjaro.

It's not things to do
a few minutes before you die.

Easy, boys. Easy, boys!

It's difficult. He was so suspicious
after the last time.

This is doing me head in.

We've told him he gets to choose
from the list

whatever he wants to do.
This is like an Attenborough moment.

But that doesn't mean
there won't be a few treats in store

Fuckin' 'ell!

This is a man who's reluctant.

This is a man
who doesn't wanna do these things.

It's making Karl do things other
people want to do before they die.

Yeah! Exactly, yeah!
This isn't his list.

You fucking twat!

Now this is probably number one
on everyone's list.

This crops up so many times.
Swim with dolphins.

When I think bucket list
I think swim with dolphins.

Yeah...
They're fascinating creatures.

Everyone says they are. Everyone says
they're intelligent. They are.

Why are you not convinced
by their intelligence?

They say they're bright.
They say they can cure ill people.

That's what they do.
They put ill people...

You mean dolphins are training
as doctors?

They can't scrub up
because of their flippers.

They just say, don't they?
Anyone who's ill,

just stick 'em with a bunch of
dolphins. Makes 'em better sometimes.

No, it doesn't. It's a wish list.
It's like a little dream.

What if we told you
that you were going to Australia

to swim with dolphins?
Wow.

What a lucky man he is.
Lucky boy.

Sometimes,
it's like you can understand

I won't be wearing
that sort of thing.

I won't be going naked either.
That's not what it's about, is it?

It's about the dolphins.
They're naked.

They've always annoyed me.
The way people go,

And yet Rick and Steve
are calling me an idiot.

You know,
intelligent as a three-year-old.

What's a three-year-old done?
Has anyone ever been blown away by

something that a three-year-old's
come up with? No.

They only muck around. Sticking their
sticky hands on windows and stuff.

I never meet a three-year-old and go,
I'd love to spend more time with it.

I think I said to Ricky and Steve.
If it was in the Thames

they wouldn't be that keen
to jump in there.

If they were swimming with old
shopping trolleys and stuff. No.

I don't like the idea of a mega long
flight so Ricky and Steve said,

"Alright, stop off at Thailand,
have a bit of a break there,

So I'm not moaning about it.

Thailand. Meant to be nice, innit?

Is this just normal?
Is this a normal day?

It's like a celebration.
How do you lock the door?

Straight into this
after a 12-hour flight.

He's probably just trying
to go to work.

It's closed off.
The road looks closed off.

We're gonna have to walk from here.
Course we are.

Just here. By the proper lunatics.
Brilliant.

I'm not being funny.
Thailand's a big place.

Did Steve know this was happening
when he picked the hotel?

Or is this just part of the little
niggle to wind me up

First new message.
Received today.

Me mam and dad's gonna watch this.

If it's anything seedy
I'm not doing it.

I don't mind looking but I'm not
gonna start doing what they do.

Well, it's kind of like a tranny
person, innit?

It's like a bloke who prefers to be
more like a woman.

But I don't know if they're gay or if
it's like Eddie Izzard

where it's just, you know, oh, I like
wearing bras and knickers and stuff.

And then you take 'em off
and you're a bloke again.

I don't know how committed they are
or if you get

different levels of commitment.
But, at the end of the day,

I suppose I'll be looking
for little signs of blokeage.

Is that... is that him?

That's mental.
That is proper mental, innit?

What's her name?
Vivien.

Vivien's a possible man's name
as well, innit?

And it's almost like
she's not trying to con anyone.

Cos it's, like,
"Me name's Vivien. Shoulda known. "

Hi.
How are you doing?

Vivien. Good to see you.
I'm Karl. Good to see ya.

How are you?
I'm not bad, yeah.

That's weird.
How long can you stay?

Er, I don't know. What's the plan?
What are we planning on doing?

Actually, I'm going to the nail
shop. And then do my nails.

Hello! Hi!

It's quite nice this.
Yeah.

Is this how it starts?
Mm-hmm.

Have you all had everything done?

Have all three of you
had everything removed?

So you could still change your mind.

Are you going out with a man
at the moment? Yeah.

A straight man?
Yeah! Yes!

We go out in the night time.
We meet some guy

and maybe he comes and says, hey,
how are you...

If he talks like that
he's definitely gay.

If he goes, "Hello, how's it going?"
No! He's gay!

Course he's gay.
He's not gay.

He is!
Trust me.

I'm just surprised how good it is.
If I was here,

and I walked past Vivien I wouldn't
double-take or anything.

I was expecting to...
I don't know.

Even the voice.
The voice isn't manly, is it?

It's sort of high-pitched.
The way she moves about.

The way she holds herself
when she's stood.

You don't get that at home.
If there's a bloke with a dress on

you go,
"There's a bloke with a dress. "

There's no, "Ooh, is it? Is it not?"
Yes, it is.

Moustache sometimes.

It's sort of made me think,
what is the difference

between a man and a woman?
If you have the bollocks off

is that it? Is that when the man-ness
ends? You're not a man anymore?

It has made me think, like,
if Suzanne said,

"I've got something to tell ya.
I'm a bloke. "

I would have always thought I'd go,
"Forget it, no, not having that. "

But, I suppose, at the end of the
day, if it looks like one,

it does the job,
would it change me view of her?

I'd probably get her
to do more stuff. I'd probably say,

"Right, you're a bloke. Carry more
bags in the supermarket. "

"Do your bit. " None of that,
"I'm a lady... "

"Get hold of the bags.
Things are changing. "

"You can still live with me but,
come on, pull your weight. "

I didn't think I'd think this way
about it.

I thought I'd be, like,
no, it's silly.

Proper confused me.

You want to start to make up?
I just thought I'd do the face.

Nothing more than that. No dresses,
no dancing about.

Yes, just make-up. Just wig.
That's it. OK.

A wig. You've added a wig.
I didn't know about the wig.

But, yeah. We can do a wig.
You might have to shave.

No, let's not shave.
A-ha. OK.

That's kidding no one, is it?

Wow!
Wow! Amazing.

Do like this. Smile.

I look like... You wouldn't know
Dempsey and Makepeace.

You look like Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne?

That's a good one.
And a bit of Ozzy.

I told you this would happen.

I've changed.
Travelling the world changes you.

It's not bad, is it? I don't think
I'd fancy me if it was me

looking at this. Which says that
I'm better off being a man.

It's not glamorous though, is it?
It's more social club.

I mean,
I haven't done that for years.

.

.

It's good, innit?

It's like the start of
a horror movie.

Like you know when
there's gonna be trouble.

The weather goes bad. There's a lad
there. He's only about 12.

Alright? I'm Karl.
Yeah.

What's your name?
Ming.

Tuck in or out?

Why do I need this for training?

This is what I mean.
It's not funny, this.

I'm meant to be seeing a dolphin.
Ha?

I've come to see a dolphin.

Hands up. A-ha. Good, that's good.
What?

That hurt a bit.

One, two...

What the fuck?
What's he doing in here?

Four, come on! Your foot, man!
Oh, fuck off.

One more time. Five. Go! One, two.
Ding-ding-ding-ding.

Four. Go, go, go.
This is not normal.

Fuck.
Five.

This shouldn't be happening.
This didn't happen in Rocky!

He's biting me ears!
No problem.

Four, five, six, seven, eight.
How many's that?

When I get home, Suzanne thinks I've
got carpet burns. That's good.

"What have you been up to
in Thailand?"

Right, that's it.
If we can just get in the van and go.

Just say, that's great, that. Gonna
go and look at some temples now.

We're in Thailand.
Fuckin' 'ell.

Steve sent me a text saying he hopes
I enjoyed the Thai boxing training.

So I can put me new skills
into practice.

"Good luck with that. P.S. It's
blindfolded Thai boxing. "

So it's what I did today,
blindfolded.

I'm gonna go more and more mental
as the series goes on.

What worries me is
he doesn't know how bad I am.

Me eyes might be rolled in
to the back of me head.

You won't know.
Because they're covered.

It's a bit Russian roulette-ish,
innit?

And normally anything goes. You can
use your hands, first, your wrist,

your head, elbows, feet, knees.
And yet, in this,

I can't use me eyes.
It's dangerous, this.

What's going on? I'm meant to be in
Australia seeing dolphins,

and I'm in Thailand
getting me head kicked in.

If that was a reasonable thing to do,

blind people would be doing
Thai boxing.

If they were blind and they did it,
I'd go, "Fair play to 'em. "

They haven't got much sport,
have they? The blind.

I've never seen blind people
doing anything.

I don't they really go out, do they?
Only to take the dog for a walk.

They've sent me to a prison
for a massage.

I've never heard of it.

I mean, yeah, I know the thing that
when people have been to prison

they come out and you give them
little jobs to do.

But it's not normally
hands-on stuff, is it?

It's meant to be relaxing,
having a massage.

And yet I could have
a murderer around me neck.

These are massive.
What sort of massage is it?

I suppose they've got to have a bit
of help for when they get out.

I mean, she's not gonna be
baby-sitting tonight.

Fuckin' 'ell.

Why do you need your arse doing?

You don't get stress in your arse,
do you?

When you know they're in prison,
you do want to know

a little bit more detail, really.
Just little things.

How long have they been in?
You know.

Did anyone die?
Did you do it on purpose?

I think that's three fair questions,
innit?

It's like having a game
of fucking Twister.

I could have Charles Manson
rubbing me legs.

This is why
she shouldn't be doing it.

For fuck's sake!

Oh!

Cheers.

Not really, no. I don't know
if she was a murderer or not.

If anyone's watching this and they
want to work in the beauty business,

and they're thinking,
I want to do massage,

I'll go and whack someone on the head
with a hammer.

It doesn't send out
the right signal.

She dropped a bollock.
She messed up in her life.

You gotta pay for it.
Jack the Ripper.

What do you wanna do? Make some
muffins? Go on then. Open a bakery.

You've got a killer on the loose
going,

"I'd love to rub people's necks. "
Get out!

"

How many snakes are there?

There's gonna be a lot, isn't there?
Snake village.

I don't understand
why they let them take over.

I shouldn't be going in there.
I wouldn't if I was here on holiday.

It's a warning, that. The fact
we have to take medics with us

says to me
we shouldn't be going there.

Good to see you.

I notice you've lost fingers.

King Cobra.
King Cobra?

I'd stay back if I were you.
Oh, Jesus, it's big, innit?

Fuckin' 'ell, what's that on the
roof? Watch that.

Right, stop, stop. Stay, stay.

Is that one deadly?
Could that kill me?

So is this the one
that took the fingers away?

Yes.
That's the one.

He's my friend.

Anyone can touch King Cobra.

It's not worth the risk.
Ten, ten fingers.

He's getting a more deadly,
bigger one out.

When I first turned up
and saw he had fingers missing,

you kinda think, that's a shame,
I feel sorry for him.

But then you realise
this is why he lost them.

I just don't understand. Has he
really nothing else to do round here?

He's a killer one. I don't know why
you're worrying about them.

I don't think
they were that stressed.

And I tell you why. Whilst one was
sort of dancing about it farted.

Who was that?

I had no idea they even had an arse.
It was there...

I thought the fart was a human thing.

It's something to do with, like,
arse cheeks or whatever.

It's that thing of,
if you're scared of your boss

imagine 'em naked.
I was scared of the snake.

Once it farted it was, like,
why am I worried about this?

Well, yeah,
cos you've put it in there.

Like a tortoise without a shell on.

"

.

.

It takes it out of you, that,
you know.

Messing about with dangerous animals
and that.

So they offered me some food.
I thought, I could do with that.

Me energy levels are low.
I saw chickens roaming around.

I thought, I quite fancy some
chicken. I'd love some food.

Turns out it's ant eggs
we're gonna eat.

Agh! Urgh!

Fucking bastards!

Fuck off!

God!

That's how much it hurts. You feel
it. You don't even know it's there.

Thank Christ they've got spoons
and not chopsticks.

Grrr!

That's a tiny bite.
Let me show you this.

I didn't know it was there.
I felt the bite, right?

Look at the size of it!
It's tiny. It's not even big.

Then again, I'm eating its brother.

You can't get annoyed with 'em.

What's that?

Chuck it all in.

Mixing?

A little bit of wasp's garnish.

Another one.

Fak?
Fak, fak, fak.

Dum.
Dum. Dum-dum-dum.

Dum. Dum-fak. Hang on a minute.

This is a joke. That is a joke.

Dumb fuck?

Take the legs off, yeah?

It's weird, innit?

I'm more worried about having
some rice cooked in dirty water

I'm not gonna take me lead from you.
You're a lunatic.

I thought I was only gonna be in
Thailand for a day or so.

You know, just waiting for the next
connecting flight to Australia.

But I'm here for a few more days. I'm
just wandering around like a loon,

I don't know if there's anything
worth showing you.

I've found this.
This little garden.

With a five-foot knob in it.
I haven't seen that on telly before.

What is it?
Some sort of fertility shrine?

It's like a warehouse for knobs.
I've never seen so many.

Where do you get these from?
Who's making these?

And the weird thing is,
with fertility and all that,

it's not about the knob anyway.
It's the bollocks.

Yet there's no bollocks.
There's a little pair there.

Oh, a couple there. But I don't know
if that's there to balance it

You got a knob here
with legs and bollocks.

But other than that
it's just the knob.

They've stuck a monkey on one over
here. A little knob with a monkey.

Mix it up a bit. I think it's odd how
people have gnomes in their garden.

And then you see this.
That's the thing with Thailand.

It's like, that's weird,
we'll go weirder.

I'm going to a local museum
in Bangkok.

It's in a hospital
which is already weird.

But then again,
it's not a normal museum. Look at it.

They've got a dead body of a
murderer, sat in a baking tray,

in a sort of a wooden wardrobe
with the door shut,

with Sellotape,
on the third floor of the hospital.

We have Madame Tussaud's where you go
in, packed with tourists,

looking at models of Kylie Minogue
and David Beckham.

They'll always go one better.

Just heads. Heads everywhere.

Good God! There's half a head!

But I'd have something like that.

I don't know if I'd ever get sick of
looking at it.

For me, that's an ideal bookend.
Like that.

Books in the middle. And there's more
chance of me wanting to look at that

than any of the books
that are in the middle of it.

Thailand's doing me head in
a little bit, if I'm honest.

I thought I was only gonna be here
for a couple of days

before heading off to see dolphins
in Australia.

But if I'm here this amount of time I
might as well get out of the city

I've heard there's a place
called Monkey Town.

I'd love a monkey, me,
so it'd be mad not to see it.

So far I've done everything that
Ricky and Steve wanted me to do.

Things that I never thought I'd do
in my life.

So I want a bit of time
to do what I want to do for a change.

He's waiting already.
He loves 'em, doesn't he?

It's got its hand there wanting more
before it's finished eating. No.

No, that's it now. Jesus Christ!
Fuck me! See that then?

They're not daft, are they?
It's weird, innit,

how you see 'em on the telly
and everything,

and you think they're good.
But when you're with 'em,

and they're being a bit, sort of,
pushy and annoyed,

it is a hot day
so they're probably a bit irritable.

Is he working with the bloke
who's sellin' 'em?

Piss off.

What's he doing?

Let's see. It'll leave me alone
when it has these.

He won't be used to the flavour.
Oh, well, we'll never know.

Look at him! Reading it first.
What an idiot.

This is like that classic
Attenborough sort of thing.

Never saw him
getting his crisps nicked.

That's the thing, you see. He makes
animals out to be really nice

and friendly. This is the truth.
I was mugged before I came in.

I felt sorry for King Kong.
Think about it,

if this is what it was like,
running riot,

nicking crisps, climbing up
the Empire State Building,

I can understand why they said
enough's enough here.

I mean, they're everywhere.
Everywhere you look.

It's not just in these grounds.
On that block of flats over there

That's like, that one's me
and that's Ricky and Steve there.

That's Ricky on top of me,
winding me up.

I'm sick of it.
Which one's Steve?

The one in the corner,
playing with itself.

There's Ricky. "Let's do another
series. " "Oh, I'd rather not. "

"Come on. We'll send you off again
and we'll do fuck all. "

Why do monkeys have red arses?

Had a pocket of Monster Munch. Spicy.
Little shit.

I know, I know. They were nicking me
hat, me glasses.

Do you know you say
you shouldn't give monkeys jobs.

I think, honest to God,
they've got to.

They've got to give them
something to do.

They used to have them in films a
lot, in teabag adverts,

It's not!

Don't wish for anything
cos it's never what you think.

Actually, think of the things
you least wanna do.

And the chances are
you'll be happier with it.

.

We go out in the night time.
We meet some guy

I thought it was meant to be
my bucket list.

Things that I wanna do
before I die.

I came all the way here
to see dolphins,

It's sharks.

Nothing's really been what I thought
it was gonna be on this trip.

I thought I'd like monkeys.
They attacked me.

Now it's dolphins. Thought I was
gonna see something friendly.

Now I'm seeing something nasty.
Sharks.

The most deadliest thing on the
planet. "Have a swim with it. "

You're having a laugh, aren't ya?

Look at the holes in it!

It's not gonna protect me
from a bloody man eater.

I'm just gonna call Steve.

Steve, it's Karl.
I got a message from Ricky

saying I'm not seeing dolphins,
I'm seeing sharks.

Why has that been changed? It's meant
to be my bucket list, this.

Steve, you wouldn't even fit
in the cage, mate.

Honestly, I've seen
sturdier shopping trolleys.

No, no, no, it's not. It's totally
opposite ends of the scale.

The friendliest thing in the world,
the most dangerous.

I might not do it then.
Just so you know.

Don't be moaning when I get back.
Don't be moaning.

Yeah, you get on with
what you've gotta do.

You get on with what you've
gotta do but I'm telling you,

I might not do it. I'll get on the
boat and go out and have a look.

But there's no way
that I'm getting in this thing.

Hey.
How are you doing?

Is this Karl?
Yeah.

Andrew.
And Rodney.

You can get in our starter cage.

They're still not that filled in.

Why? It looks unfinished.
That isn't left like that?

That bit there?
Yeah!

We can get there overnight
and get a bit of sleep.

And we can hit it
early tomorrow morning.

Doing an overnight?
Yeah.

In the morning
we hope you into the cage.

I don't understand why we've gotta be
on a boat all night.

The sharks are in the sea.
We're on the sea.

Let's have a look at 'em. Let's go
home. Why are we hanging around?

They don't just nip,
that's the thing.

If one gets me,
it's not just your finger, is it?

There's never a friendly shark,
is there?

You know, you've got Flipper.
That was a dolphin.

Jaws.
Shark Attack One, Two and Three.

Three films there. There was a chance
for him to get friendly. Didn't.

An angry shark for three films.
Finding Nemo.

Even the shark in Finding Nemo
would have your head off.

They didn't make it friendly.
That was a cartoon for kids.

He was still the grumpy one.
The dangerous one.

They give 'em all names
to make 'em seem more friendly.

I think one's called Moo.
It's got a patch on it.

Looks a bit like a cow.
One's called Kiwi.

Another one's called Knuckle
or something.

That's what we do, us humans. We like
to give everything a little name

We're gonna get to the point when
doctors say,

"You've got a little Colin the cancer
in your left bollock. "

Timmy the tumour.

It's just always that chance,
isn't there of something

Jesus!

It's like it knows, it knows that
someone's about to get in

who doesn't know what they're doing.
We've got a meal here.

Word's getting out.
He said they're all circling.

I mean, is it worth me getting in?
Can't you just get in and film it

Is that one of the last customers
they had?

Get in. You'll be fine.
Send that back home to the family.

Here's Frank.

Legs in first, yeah?
Legs in first.

One of these big great whites came
up and grabbed me round the chest.

I've got a photograph taken
on the operating table.

This is after they stitched me up
in hospital.

They took a photograph of me
before they stitched me up.

The chances of this happening to you
or anybody else is so small.

But someone would have said that
to you

before it happened to you.
That's right.

But records are meant to be broken.

Better?

Yes. They're still there.

Jesus.

You're doing pretty well there.
Keep going. Slowly go down.

If you'd like to get out
we can sit you on the edge, OK?

I'm happy in here. I'm in the toilet
cos everything I need is in here.

And my Cup-A-Soup.

Most people have wrote in here.
"Great trip. " "Excellent crew. "

"Great boat. "
It is. But at the end of the day,

he's sticking this on me,
the big baby grow.

I can't move properly.
I feel trapped.

I can't breathe.
Then you chuck a shark in the mix.

He's the only one who's got it right.
Look, Richard.

This soup has been
the happiest moment.

Isn't that a good thing? That my life
is really happy and I feel content

Surely that is a good thing that I
don't need to chase. Madness.

That's what I'm more into.
A little puppy. Little puppy.

Right then. Come on then. If I've
gotta do it just get it over with.

OK, we're ready to go.