All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S02E02.Trans-Siberian.Express

If I was on my death bed, there's no
way I wanna be climbing Kilimanjaro.

It's not things to do a few minutes
before you die. (laughs)

Easy boys. Easy boys!

It's difficult. He was so suspicious
after the last time.

We've told him he gets to choose
from the list

This is like an Attenborough moment.

But that doesn't mean that there
won't be a few treats in store

Fucking hell!

This is a man who's reluctant.

This is a man who doesn't wanna do
these things.

It's making Karl do things other
people want to do before they die.

Yeah, exactly. This isn't his list.
(laughs)

Fucking twats! Agh!

Travel the Trans-Siberian railway.

Oh, wow.

That's the stuff of dreams,
isn't it?

This is known as the
greatest train journey in the world.

Is that because most train journeys
aren't that great anymore?

I know they get on the Pendolino
from Euston to Manchester.

I'm looking forward to this. I'll do
it because it'll get me from A to B.

I've always wanted to do it.
I'm fascinated by Russia.

A place of amazing...
The history alone...

It's grim, Russia?
What do you mean grim?

What? All if it? It's the biggest
country in the world.

What you see on the telly is people
queuing for spuds and stuff.

Maybe it is a good train journey
to them.

Maybe their other trains
are worse than ours.

The luxury carriages
of the Trans-Siberian Express

have, you know, all the modern coms,
it's like luxury stuff.

What's the toilet situation
on the train?

I've never been on the journey
so can't say for certain,

there's, you know...
Toilets.

As long as there's toilets.
How long are you on the toilet?

Ages. I sit there loads. Why?
Cos it's me time.

There's no one else coming in
annoying me.

Everywhere else I go in the house
Suzanne's there.

"You haven't done this. Have you
called them? That needs fixing."

She doesn't come in there. Shut the
door, sit there, me legs go numb.

That's the thing for me.
I've gotta get up in a minute.

Because otherwise she will have to
come in and help me off. (laughter)

What a life! What a life...
I like...

But it's better than the others.
That's the problem with this.

Can we sign you up for this one?
Yeah?

Great.
Trans-Siberian Express.

Yeah.
Enjoy it.

Alright?
Would you give us a lift into town?

I'm going on the train.
On the Trans-Siberian railway.

It's things to do before you die.
Have you been on it?

You're not selling it to me.

Whatever you think is worth seeing.

Right, well, that's not great.

And I thought I was miserable.
Good Jesus!

Honestly, if that's what I'm like.
Suzanne always says I moan a lot.

If she moans at me again...
I wish she was here, really.

Just so I can say, "Come and meet
this miserable bastard."

I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't
he? He's working with tourists.

(producer) They don't get that many
tourists here, Karl.

They won't have him as the first
point of contact when people come in.

Honestly, if there was a plane
going back now I'd get on it.

Oh, brilliant. Thanks, cheers.

What do you think?
Food looks alright.

Building's lovely. There's a lot of
blokes around with next to nowt on.

Are they totally nude? I didn't wanna
look properly. I just saw skin.

Some of them are.
It's leather furniture.

You shouldn't sit on a leather sofa
with a bare arse.

I didn't like getting in my dad's
Ford Cortina with shorts on

cos your skin sticks to it. I don't
want me bollocks stuck to this.

I don't even wanna touch it now.
I mean, it's wipeable.

Steam room?

I didn't know that. Nobody said that?

OK. I'll see you in a bit.
See you.

That's hot.

I like a massage. I love it,
when I get in, I say to Suzanne,

"Rub me legs, they're active.
Rub me neck." Just a nice rub.

That's all I want. Nice and quiet.
Ten minutes of that.

I've never seen anyone in a sauna
getting hit by a shrub.

The thing is, cos I can't feel
anything at the moment,

I feel scalded.
They might be nettles.

And then they'll be whacking me again
with dock leaves.

Fucking hell!

Agh! Fuck!
(laughs)

It says a lot that women aren't here.
Cos women are a bit more screwed on,

I think, when it comes to
knowing how to relax.

They go off and have
a nice little face rub.

Leg massage. Facial. I mean, how do
they do it a facial here?

It seems like you can't enjoy
anything.

Can't wait to get out of Moscow.
I haven't enjoyed it very much.

Glad just to get on the tracks,
really.

This is all a bit, sort of,

Aberdeen Angus Steak House. '70s.

Other than that it's sound, yeah.
Perfect.

This is all I want. Me own space.
No people annoying me. No noise.

No crowds.
And I just look out the window.

At Russia. Which is what
it's all about, innit?

Are you just gonna keep yourself to
yourself? That's the plan.

I'm not here to annoy anyone.
They don't have to annoy me.

For me, it's perfect. I can't moan.

Ricky and Steve said
this is what I was gonna get.

And they've delivered.
I'm not gonna moan.

(knocking)

(speaks in Russian)

No, this here. Yeah.

(speaks in Russian)

Room six? Room six. Same as this?

Alright, just give us a minute cos
I need to get me bag and shoes.

Yeah, I'll come to room six
in a minute, alright.

Just give me a minute. I'll put me
shoes on and come down to room six.

Da.
Da.

I'll come down in a minute.

Just let me put these on
and get my stuff together.

(speaks in Russian)
And I'll come down. Brilliant.

I will. I will come down if you want
to...

I can find it on me own if you like.
And I can come down.

12 in that one.

This is good.

(coughs) Smoking carriage.

Are we going in the rough part here?

Is it much further? Much...

(indistinct)

Really?

Staying here?

What do I do? Where will I sit?

This one's mine.

This isn't funny this.
This is dangerous.

What class is this? Seriously.

I'm sat on a shelf.
This isn't a bed.

I feel like Anne Frank.

I hope there's no one gonna be above
me again, is there?

That isn't another bed up there,
is it?

It's just not practical, this.
At least you've got a bed.

Richard, stop saying
"At least you've got a bed."

Great for putting books on.
Ornaments.

.

.

(ringing tone)

Alright, how's it going?

Well, yeah, it was lovely
for about 20 minutes.

Before they moved me to third class.
Nice that.

Didn't really get a chance
to get bored with it.

What do you think? I didn't even know
there was a third class.

I don't even send letters
third class.

See you later.

(huffs) I think it's just something
that was done years ago.

It was a nice idea. In the '60s
there was all that space race.

But then it's just died out.

To me, it's how, like, everybody was,
sort of, into going to Tenerife

in the '80s. Everywhere has its day.
Know what I mean?

Before that, space.

It's just Torremolinos. These are
places that are talked about

in certain decades and after a while,
people realise

they're not that great.
And they stop going.

And that's what happened with, like,
space and the moon.

You're not interested in
zero gravity?

No, I like to have
me feet on the ground.

And being in control of
where I'm going.

(speaks in Russian)

I don't understand.
I... I don't understand.

Can I see this move without me in?

Yeah, but is it possible to see it
without me in

I thought it was a whizzy thing.

Yeah, it spins round.

To where?

I've seen something
different to this.

On James Bond.
It was like an egg on an arm.

And it whizzes round
and you can see my face,

and I can go, "Oh."
That's a film.

It would make it a lot easier
if I see someone else go in here,

whizz round
and see what they come out like.

I came to Russia to get on a train.
Trans-Siberian railway.

I feel sick.

(male voice speaks Russian)

Have you done anything like this
before? No, no, I haven't. No.

Why would I? Think about what you're
asking me there, Richard.

Have I done anything like this
before? Got in a tumble dryer?

What do you mean? Have I done
anything like this before?

We will hear and see you.

Ready?

Can we start off slowly?
OK.

It's moving now.
It's not moving.

It is!
It's moving now.

It's a mad thing.
It was 30 years old, that bit of kit.

I can feel it now. Oh fuck.

It was like a giant swingball.

And I was sat in the ball.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, just feel a bit...

I am, yeah.

How fast is that?

(groans)

I done it. It was alright.

I thought I did a good job
in the end.

It's not that hard
being a spaceman.

It's sort of built up as being
tricky and complicated.

But you've just gotta
sit on your arse.

At the end of the day,
think about it, they sent a chimp.

I mean, when you're taking over
from a chimp,

it's not a difficult job, is it?
There's no pressure on you.

In fact, there is cos if you don't
get it right, they go,

"What are you doing?
Chimp managed to do it."

I don't want to start whizzing about
in zero gravity.

It's worried me more
seeing the briefing.

Seeing the footage
of people floating about.

Even Stephen Hawking has been up
there. He's done it.

But what damage can he possibly do
to himself now? He's knackered.

Years ago, when they first got on the
moon or in space,

it was all, "One small step for
man... giant leap for mankind."

Have you seen that footage?
They've got David Coulthard there,

messing about in a racing car.
That isn't what it was invented for.

I thought it was communications
and all that.

They're just chucking shit up there.
What else can we put in?

What else can we see floating about?
"Harry, you got an old mattress."

"We can take it up." Do you know what
I mean? What are they doing?

Karl.
Pil-king-ton.

Loads. I get headaches a lot.
Back pain.

I've got flat feet.
Kidney stones.

I might have them.

(inhales/exhales deeply)

Glands, swollen?

It can't be.

How's it going?

I was getting excited about
the zero gravity flight.

Not if...
I've gotta listen to the doctor.

They have to give you a medical
before you get on it.

I can't do it. I would have loved to.

I've never been so happy really
to be ill.

She said, your neck's all swollen,
your nose is glowing

It's too dangerous but I'll chuck
something else up there.

But they've booked it now.
We've booked the flight.

I've just gotta wait here now.

Not that bothered,
if I'm honest with you.

♪ The Blue Danube -
Johann Strauss II

Rick'll moan going,
"We spent all that money

on a zero gravity flight."
What else could I send up?

I'm sick of Revels.

I know what'll happen. People'll go,
"Don't you regret not doing it?"

No, not really. Never wanted to float
about. It's never been a dream.

I'm not one for getting ill either.
I don't get ill that often.

I got really ill when I was a kid.
And I ate some old doughnuts

from outside the local bakery.
I went round the back

and there was a load of cream
doughnuts and I ate 'em.

Anyway, the cream was off.
I was in agony.

Doctor came round.
Told me mam I was going to die.

He was messing about. She didn't
know. She has a panic on.

She called me dad at work. "You've
gotta come home. Karl's dying."

"Why? What's up with him?"
"He's ate a load of old doughnuts."

Meant to be whizzing through space
and I'm talking about doughnuts.

Sky are gonna be well pissed off
with this.

Anything that's going on in the
world, a bloke selling a car,

It's mental how long this is.

It's mental.

(producer) It's the greatest rail
journey in the world.

Longest trip.
Right, exactly. Exactly.

You said greatest. It's not.
It's the longest.

They've sold something
on the worst thing about it.

Why do you want to do something
the longest?

Go to Tenerife on the longest flight.
You wouldn't do that.

I wanna get there, see it
and go home again.

You're missing the point, Karl.
I'm not missing the point.

It goes a third of the length
of the world.

I know. Again, it's madness.
If you're going that distance,

get on a plane. We've moved on.
It's 2011.

No one questions anyone
when they say,

"What do you wanna do
before you die?"

"Go on the longest train journey."
It's never followed up with, "What?"

"What do you wanna do that for,
you knob?"

(ringing tone)

A little bit, yeah. I've still got
this sore throat annoying me a bit.

But a little bit bored.
Not much to do.

I'm up for that.
It's alright. Someone to talk to.

Hello? Mikael? How are you doing?

So you're a human magnet.
(speaks Russian)

So tacky. They're not even special
or anything.

What is going on?
I've never heard of such a thing.

I don't know what use it is.
Looks a bit ridiculous like that.

I mean cutlery drawers are next to
nowt. You can get one for two quid.

Magnet man.
Magnet man.

(interpreter)
His children are magnetic. What?

That's a normal family photo, innit?
Look at that.

Handy when out shopping,
when you go food shopping.

Carrier bags these days
are really weak. Very thin.

What about that? Can you do that?
Hands-free?

Can you stick it on your head?

No. Let go.
That's where that would be useful.

If you could walk around chatting.

I think an accident's gonna happen.
Best if I get out

cos he's getting heavy stuff.
It's getting silly.

Can't think of anything where you
would go, "Brilliant, I'm a magnet."

What super power would you like
though?

I came up with one.
I'd be Bullshit Man.

There are so many meetings where you
know people are bullshitting.

I'd just like to walk in,
I wouldn't need a special costume,

just dress like this. And I'd fly in
and I'd go, "Bullshit."

"You're talking bullshit."
And they'd go,

"Oh, fuck, it's Bullshit Man."
And I go,

"Yeah, it is Bullshit Man.
You're talking bullshit."

And eventually people
will stop talking shit.

Anything that's going on in the
world, a bloke selling a car,

you know, it's knackered, he'd say,
"Great runner, this."

I can't imagine Russians
being into therapy.

It's a bit soft. It's a soft thing to
do when people have to do that.

Russians are really hard. I thought
they'd think it's a load of bollocks.

What are you doing?

Digging.

Fuckin' hell.
There's nowhere easier than this?

How long did that take?
What time did you start?

That'll be big enough, won't it?

It's my size.

Sometimes you're better off
not asking questions.

I've kind of worked it out.
I'm digging me own grave.

Is it... Is it full body?

So your head's under?

What do you mean? How do you breathe?

There's no rules.
There's no rules here.

This Russia. They haven't got rules
in day-to-day life, have they?

Do what you want here.
Nuttersville.

(imitates bleeping)

There's no proper system.
So what do you do?

What, three? Two? Do what you want.
Hang on a minute.

Let's have a system here
if it goes tits up.

That's what I mean. Honestly, just
leave me hands out is the best thing.

You can cover me head, if you want.
Cover the head and go like that.

And that means get me out.
Hi, Steve, it's Karl.

Erm, can you give us a call
when you get this

cos I'm just at that thing you set
up. Me being buried alive.

I don't know if you know what it is
but they cover you totally.

I thought they left your head out
or something.

But they wanna cover me up.
Call me back as soon as you get this.

Ricky, it's Karl. I've just left
a message on Steve's phone.

I'm at the burial thing
that I'm having done.

Being buried alive.
I'm not that happy about it.

It's bloody barmy,
if I'm being honest with you.

I don't know if you know what it is.
If you get this can you call me.

Just so you know what it is and if
you're... Just give us a call.

If it's quiet
me brain is always against me.

Me brain is never on my side.
Me brain will make me panic.

It'll be going, "What are you doing?
There's worms in here."

"You could die here.
Are they still up at the top?"

You know, all that
and me brain's against me.

So I need to distract it
with something else.

Give it some music to listen to.
And it'll be happy.

Let's give it a go then.

I'm just gonna listen to some music.
Acker Bilk. Stranger On The Shore.

It always calms me down.
Let's do it.

Hang on. I haven't got a pipe.

What's it like down there, Karl?

.

Just so you know what it is and if
you're... Just give us a call.

(ringing tone)

Alright, mate, how's it going?

I did that thing yesterday.
Got buried alive. Cheers for that.

What? Being buried alive and having
a hosepipe stuck in your mouth?

since I've been here.
What does that tell you about Russia?

(whistling)

Is this me lift?

I'm not good on horses.

Take me time. Slowly.

Hey!

No rush.

That's it. Even slower if you want.

Trans-Siberian.

You must have balls like leather.

Hard. Hard skin, like your boots.

Bollocks.

I'm with you to do some sport.

That's your house?

You've got a satellite dish?

You've got satellite TV?
You've got Sky?

Why are they showing me
a picture of a wrestler?

(speaks Mongolian)

Why? Why me?

I have an injury. Driving?
Weak wrist.

But I don't think I will win.
So you're gonna be disappointed.

I don't win. You'll get no money.
No prize. Then what?

They seemed really friendly.

Course they're friendly.
They want me to wrestle for them.

He said he's got a damaged head.
He said it was a motorcycle accident.

Where's the motorbike?
No motorbike here.

He's done that wrestling.
But he didn't wanna tell me

cos it'll worry me.
Motorbike accident...

I haven't seen anyone
on a motorbike. He's on a horse!

I think your outfit's arrived
for tomorrow.

I'm leaving me underpants on.

They're all wearing 'em.
They're not wearing 'em.

I'm not happy with this.
The fight was one thing.

Looking like this,
I'm gonna get battered.

It's degrading.
You got the top on right?

I don't know. I've no idea. It's not
the sort of thing I normally wear,

if I'm honest. So I don't know
if I've got it right or not. Sorry.

It feels too small.
It's like a small cardigan.

Are you sure we haven't got one of
the kid's clothes mixed up with this?

I look gormless in my shadow.
I've never had that.

I've never seen me shadow and
thought, "What a div I look."

(whistling)

Oh shit.

Hang on, why haven't you got
these clothes on?

Why am I wearing this
and you have this on?

(onlookers laugh)

(male vocalises)

(tries to imitate the sound)

(laughter/applause)

(plays the Mongolian morin
khuur/sings)

(vocalises)

Are you ready for the fight today?

Yeah. Thought I'd get it done.
Get it over with.

We all know the result here.
People at home aren't gonna be...

What a mix this is. I could go into a
jumble sale blindfolded

and pick up random stuff and get a
better mix than this.

What is this?
What sort of look is this?

It's their national dress.
I've never seen it.

I've watched Mr Benn as a kid.
He travelled all across the world.

(dogs bark)

Sun's come out.
Yeah, I was hoping for it to rain.

Look at the size
of the people behind me.

I'm gonna get battered.
I've had about 40 minutes' training.

I tell you, you'd better have
that camera running

cos it's gonna be over in a flash.
You'll have to slow it down.

There's not gonna be highlights.
Or bad bits or good bits.

It's gonna just be, bang, like that.
Quicker than a bungee jump.

Here we go.

(crowd laughs)

Let's go back and train. Waste of
time. I told you that'd happen.

Sorry about that.

This is a bit annoying.
Look at this map.

We started off in Moscow.
Steve said just go to Mongolia.

You're passing
so go and do the sport thing.

Done that. We're still on that same
line which means this train

is going to Beijing. That's where
I've been. Did that last time

and I saw the Great Wall. Didn't like
it. They know I didn't like it.

I don't know why
I'm going back there.

(ringing tone)

Alright?

Er, the Mongols are alright.

I haven't got any problems
with any Mongols.

Anyway, I'm calling you because
I've been looking at the map, right,

this train's not going across Russia.
It's heading to Beijing.

I've been there. I told you I hated
it. I said, China dreadful.

Alright. I can do what I want, can I?

The last time I came here,
when I saw the Great Wall,

I didn't really enjoy it, did I?
And I got back and told a mate,

I was gutted I never came here.
All this way and I never saw it.

So it's weird in a way
that I've had a second chance.

I think it's in keeping with what
we've been doing, travel programme.

Showing you the world,
how others live.

(they all greet him)
Hi.

This is it. It's Dwarf Village. It's
like this little town they set up.

Dwarves used to get a hard time
or something in China

so they set this up.
A place where they live and work.

They've made it for themselves.
Everything they want.

It's made for being a dwarf.
It's ideal.

Look at the skill of this.

He's doing a little bit of woodwork.

It's amazing.

That... that's not crap, is it?

It's all sort of miniature
but it's really cosy.

You can show me round
one of your houses.

Just slow down a little bit.
Just hang on a minute.

Hang on.

(giggling from inside)

You're not meant to laugh.
Too small for you!

I am looking for something
a bit bigger.

Am I the biggest man
who's ever been in here?

It's good, innit?
Too small.

Do you know any dwarves?
Yeah, I know one.

I know a little dwarf.
He's a mate of Ricky's.

I don't know what he'd think of this.
He's always playing roles

as, like, elves and Santa's little
helper and all that.

So at the end of the day
what's the difference?

At least here they work every day.
Two pm. Showing seven days a week.

They're busy at Christmas. What else
do they do the rest of the year?

There he is. Sat on a shelf.
His name's Warwick.

(ringing tone)

Is that Warwick?

It's Karl. Ricky's mate.

I'm just in China.
I'm looking at a dwarf village.

And I wanted to run the
whole sort of concept by you

because I know that people at home
get a bit funny about,

"Oh, you shouldn't be having
a little dwarf village and all that."

It's really good.
The people in there are dead happy.

Nice little show they put on.
And I though, it sort of covers me

if I speak to you and say,
"I'm at a dwarf village,"

and you go, "Yeah, I've heard of
that. It's nice."

"Good on ya."

Why not?

Well, yeah, I did. And there is like
little blokes in little funny outfits

and all that,
and you do sort of smile.

But they're smiling.
I think it's alright, innit?

Yeah, there's a king.

Course he is.

No, he was the head man.
He was at the top.

He had a little cloak on
and a crown and shades on.

It's not.

You haven't been.
This is what annoys me with people...

I'm in the thick of it here.
I'm stood by their houses.

They're all happy.
There's a woman who I met

who's a little dwarf.
She's only been here four months.

She's already got
her own mushroom to live in.

Hang on a minute. You're being all on
your high horse and all that.

The picture I've shown of you on the
telly so people knew who you were,

you were sat on a shelf.

So if all your work dries up, they're
not making another Star Wars,

you can't dress up as a little
monkey, no money coming in,

you wouldn't think about
coming here then?