Original subtitles

[MUSIC - MARKY DESADE, "PISTOL WHIPPED"]

(SINGING) Got a pistol in my pocket.

Now baby, you should knock it.

Put your finger on the trigger, feel it getting bigger.

Move in a little closer, let me stick

it in your holster [INAUDIBLE].

She's my bullet.

Got a pistol in my pocket.

And baby, you can knock it.

It's got a 12 inch [INAUDIBLE] and you

can make it [INAUDIBLE].

Blow me away, just [INAUDIBLE] She's my bullet.

[INAUDIBLE] Levi.

You can feel my [INAUDIBLE] 45.

Got a pistol in my pocket.

And baby, you can knock it.

[INAUDIBLE] cover, but don't [INAUDIBLE] your mother.

[INAUDIBLE] [INAUDIBLE] Well, you better start stripping

or you're gonna get in the way.

Listen to this one.

Prison pen pal, number 22, desperately seeking cell mate.

My last man done me wrong.

Meet me on conjugal visit day and do me right.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, no.

This one's even better.

Incarcerated in Seattle seeks single white inmate

for meetings on the sly.

I'll be the dustpan, you be the broom.

[LAUGHS]

Give me that.

I didn't leave this around for your amusement.

You mean it's yours?

Honestly, Miss Devonshire, I knew

you are anxious to go out on a date,

but I had no idea you were so desperate.

Yeah.

If you're looking your a night out on the town,

I know a great biker bar you might like.

Shut up, you two.

I'm not looking for a mate in this seedy,

sleazy, and degrading magazine.

I write an advice column.

You write an advice column?

Sort of boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Oh, just leave me in peace and let me do my work.

Dear Miss Devonshire, now that I'm a prisoner,

I have some time on my hands.

No kidding.

I'd like to work on my weight problem.

What can I do to rid myself of all these unwanted pounds?

Signed, Susan Ebert.

Well, dear Sue E.

Mail call!

[CHEERING]

So.

Malathian.

Breaking out of prison, robbing recycling centers, crashing

an Earth Day celebration.

Maybe a little voltage will bring you back to your senses.

[ZAPPING]

Well, she got one letter.

Leave it over there.

I'm busy.

Get me down off of here.

This is unconstitutional.

Shut up.

[ZAPPING]

Ha!

Look!

The new issue of Prison Romance came today!

Great.

I just love that advice column.

Read it to me.

Dear Miss Devonshire, my daughter

just turned 14 and wants to wear make up.

What should I do?

What did she say?

If I had a 14-year-old daughter who wanted to wear

makeup, I'd beat her unmercifully with a coat hanger

until she learned her lesson.

She really tells it like it is.

Get to the next one.

[ZAPPING]

Oh, great.

Looks like we fried another one.

Can somebody get the backup generator on?

Hello? Hello?

Oh my god.

You've nuked her like a microwave dinner.

Wait a minute.

Something's not right here.

[EVIL LAUGHING]

Oh, help me!

Get her off!

Sound the alarm!

VOICEOVER: Dear Malathian, I've never

written to a girl behind bars before,

but there is a first time for everything.

[CACKLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give me your clothes.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

Help me!

She's fucking crazy!

[SCREAMS]

Have a drink on me, honey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Dear Malathian, even though I haven't heard from you yet,

I'm writing you again to let you know how anxious I

am to meet you someday.

I'm looking for a wholesome girl.

The kind I could take home to Mama.

Oh!

I got your letter.

Don't be shy.

I'm just having a bad hair day.

It said in the magazine you weren't eligible for parole

for seven more years.

I like to take things slow.

I like to take the pedal to the medal.

[CACKLES]

Malathian's escaped again.

And I thought we'd never have to deal with her again.

Now she's loose in our city, doing who knows what?

That oversexed, homicidal fiend!

Just the thought of the damage she's capable of.

Oh my god. Look at Candy.

She's paralyzed in fear.

I'm OK.

I'm just having my own personal flashback.

What is this city coming to?

I mean, an innocent hooker is beat senseless at Club Scum

just so Malathian can get a new set of clothes.

Now, now, sir.

Calm down.

Calm down.

She's destroyed my favorite bar.

I don't feel safe going out at night anymore.

I mean, I could have been in that club last night.

Candy, you are a cop.

If you'd been there, you could have arrested her.

Oh, right.

You know, if somebody went after the clothes

I was wearing, I would put up a real fight.

Especially for my leather mini skirt.

A leather mini skirt?

Gee, could I borrow it some time?

[GIGGLING]

Girls, as usual, you're missing the issue at hand.

Sorry.

Hey, I know the manager of the shop next door to Club Scum.

I bet she could give us some information

about what happened last night.

Well, very good, Samantha!

And to think, Miss Devonshire, you

didn't want her on the force.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What a great car!

I got a really good deal on it at a police auction.

It was used for drive by shootings

so when I drive through certain neighborhoods,

talk people duck when they see me coming.

Oh, cool!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll be with you in a minute.

Ow!

Hurry up with that tattoo, you incompetent bimbo.

I'm almost finished, honey.

Just keep your shirt on.

Ow.

Hand me that mirror.

Let me take a look at it.

Here you go, sister.

Oh my god!

What have you done to me, you full bitch?

I ordered number 30, a petite rose on my right derriere.

Oh.

You should have spoken up more clearly.

I thought you said 13, skull and flames.

You ignorant bitch!

You've scarred me for life!

Quick, get me to a tattoo remover.

I have to have this monstrosity taken off my body.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

You owe me $50 cash for that piece of art.

Damn it, you're not getting a penny from me.

I should have my attorney shut you down for your stupidity.

The only stupidity here is yours, for thinking you're

leaving without paying me.

So cough it up now.

I wanted a rose, not your mother's face.

Well, maybe we should take it out back

to the complaint department.

Maybe we could work something out.

I'd like that.

Hey, there.

I'll cut it off.

Another satisfied customer.

So, Samantha.

Long time, no see.

What can I do for you?

Listen, were you open last night when that riot

was going on next door? - Yeah.

I heard the whole thing.

If I wasn't in the middle of work,

I would have gone over there and joined the fun.

Sounds of bottles crashing is music to my ears.

You know, I feel the same way when I hear

a construction worker's drill.

Did you see a girl with green hair leave here last night?

Yeah. She was real cool.

Um, well, do you know where she went?

No. I think she was on foot.

Couldn't get too far in this neighborhood, though.

I think she was having trouble starting her car.

Heard an engine revving all night.

Well, thanks for the help.

No sweat.

Hey, you want to take advantage of my two for one sale?

Got a special on roses.

Um, no thanks.

Now you're gonna get it!

Hey, come on!

Let go!

[INAUDIBLE] you skank!

[CHOKING]

Well, Malathian must be in the vicinity.

I mean, what are we going to do?

Go door to door until we find her?

Gee, I never thought I'd have to work so hard.

[DRILLING] - So.

What do you do for fun around here?

Fun?

You heard me.

Well, I fix cars all day and I read magazines

about women on motorcycles.

And I collect furniture that belonged to people who died.

And--

Enough.

I get the picture.

I have a question for you.

What's that? What

Were you in prison for?

Well, it all started when someone

said to me, let me get a closer look

at that winning lottery ticket.

Oh.

I see.

Well, so, this is all you've got, huh?

Well, not everything.

Um, my parents left me with a trust fund.

Mm!

I like it better already.

How much?

I get $15 a month for the rest of my life.

Great.

I can really pick em.

So I got an idea.

Why don't we go out tonight?

Well, we can't.

None of these cars run.

Well, this is getting better already.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Well, where are you going?

I have a score to settle.

But don't worry.

I'll be back.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Remember me?

Malathian.

We've been looking for you!

I thought a Wanted poster was the only place

I'd ever see your face again. - Shut up, you fool.

Did you really think that a prison cell

could hold me for very long?

How much more government funding

is it going to take to rehabilitate you?

Will you ever work for an honest paycheck?

You're really starting to get on my nerves.

This will double your prison sentence.

Not to mention the black mark I've already put on your file.

Yeah?

Well, you should know better than to park your car

without using the club!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh!

Help!

Girls! Girls?

Miss Devonshire, are you all right?

Yes, but you're stepping on my hand.

Ugh.

This is the worst thing that's happened to me since that time

I walked into the wrong bar and got a crash course

in alternative lifestyles. - Yeah.

Malathian's only been out one day

and she's already assaulted one of our men.

We're going to be the laughingstock of the city

if we don't catch her, and fast.

But we ran out of leads.

No we haven't.

Tonight, Miss Devonshire and I are going to go undercover.

We're going to infiltrate the soft, seamy

underbelly of the city until we find her whereabouts.

Or else.

Commissioner!

You and me?

Undercover?

Together?

I never knew you cared.

More than you know, Miss Devonshire.

Are you sure that's a wise choice?

I mean, Miss Devonshire isn't the youngest one on the force

and she can't be too quick on her feet.

Yeah, and going undercover as low life

comes much more naturally to some of us.

Yeah.

You two mind your own business.

So, commissioner, what did you have in mind for tonight?

Disguises, Miss Devonshire.

Disguises so perfect, we will fit in with the lowlifes

of this city.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, sir.

I haven't worn an outfit like this since

my first undercover assignment.

Oh, I remember it well.

I was a model for a deck of naughty playing cards.

Oh, if only those other officers had made the arrest in time.

[SIGHS]

I'll never forget the day the local grocer said to me, hey!

You're the girl on the three of hearts!

Miss Devonshire, be quiet! Don't look now.

Don't look now.

I'm afraid they've spotted us!

Quick, look inconspicuous.

Sir, I had no idea you felt that way.

It's all in the line of duty, Miss Devonshire.

I trust that my boldness didn't offend you.

Not at all.

By the way, may I have my chewing gum back, please?

Oh.

Oh, commissioner.

What's this I feel?

That?

Well, that's just a thermos of hot coffee I brought along.

Oh.

I'd like you to know I really enjoy the quality

time we spend together.

Thank you, Miss Devonshire.

Now, if you don't mind, would you please

stop fondling my flashlight?

Oh.

Sorry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CANDY (ON WALKIE TALKIE): Come in, Samantha.

Come in!

What, Candy?

What?

CANDY (ON WALKIE TALKIE): I wanted to see

if you had any luck so far.

No, and I won't as long as I'm talking to you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, there.

Uh, hello.

Do you have any time to spend?

Sure.

Do you have any money to spend?

- Let me see. - Come on.

These tricks aren't for kids.

I've got $5.

$5?

$5?

You couldn't get in my purse for $5.

I've got another--

another $3.

Listen.

I think I'm a little out of your league.

But why don't you make me a little offer

and we can work something out?

Well, I've got another $40.

But I'm saving that for the new Space Invaders video game.

Look, man.

You're really getting on my nerves.

I mean, what would you rather do?

Go around the universe or go around the world?

Can you give you a minute to think about that?

Forget it.

You know what?

You couldn't handle the ride. - Wait a minute.

Don't go.

I mean, I thought I could afford you.

You look so cheap.

What did you say, you nerd?

Nothing.

You know, you should be glad that I've got scruples,

or I'd belt you one.

Except it's a parole violation.

I'm telling you, he was this close to proposing to me.

You're sure you're not jumping to conclusions?

I'm positive.

First, we exchanged chewing gum.

And then, oh, he kept pretending this

was part of the assignment.

He kept snapping my bra straps.

Oh, well that got me all goose pimply.

That sounds serious.

Then what's stopping him from proposing to you?

I don't know.

I think maybe he's just a little tongue tied.

You write that advice column.

What would you tell a reader to do?

I'd tell them to make the first move,

even if you make a fool of yourself in the process.

Then go for it!

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

Commissioner, will you marry me?

You heard me, yes or no?

Well, Miss Devonshire, will you promise to cook my food

and darn my socks and take out the garbage

and do all the other wifely you duties,

just like a third world bride who'd

do anything, no matter how degrading, for its citizenship?

Just as I've been doing in my dreams for all these years.

Hmm.

Well, then yes, Miss Devonshire.

I'll marry you.

Could you please get off my lap now?

My hat, Miss Devonshire.

Oh, sorry.

We're engaged.

Can you believe it?

Congratulations, Miss Devonshire.

Thank you, Candy.

After all these years.

It's about time, too.

She's not getting any younger, you know.

Thank you for that vote of confidence.

So, when's the big day?

Oh, we hadn't thought about it yet.

Well, now, now, I have the perfect place for it.

The police firing range.

The firing range?

What kind of place is that for a wedding?

I'm not getting married where the officers

have target practice.

Now, be reasonable.

It's free.

Why don't you let us organize the wedding for you?

Yeah, let us do it.

Now, I think the local park would

be a much better location.

But I like the firing range.

What if somebody takes a shot at us?

Well, they won't if we have it at the park.

I was talking about the park.

That's in a bad part of town.

Let us worry about it.

Yeah, just leave everything to us.

We could be your flower girls.

Girls, what do you know about organizing anything?

Well, for instance, who will be the best man?

My cousin got married in a nudist colony.

It was easy to pick the best man.

[GIGGLES]

That's enough.

Speaking of best men, I have someone in mind.

My son from my first marriage.

Why, he'd be just perfect.

You were married before, and you never mentioned it to me?

Honestly, Miss Devonshire, I mean,

who our age wouldn't by now at least have been married

and have a couple of kids?

I mean, I mean, who'd save themselves this long?

Oh, I see your point.

In fact, why don't we meet him now?

Irwin, Irwin! Come over here.

Just a minute.

Somebody's resisting arrest.

I remember you.

You called me cheap.

- You called me a nerd. - Now, now.

This is no way to make first introductions.

This little weasel tried to pick me up

last night while I was undercover.

Oh, really?

I was under cover myself.

I thought you were a real hooker.

Oh.

So that part about you saving your money for a video game,

that was a joke, right? - No.

I really am saving my money for a video game.

Figures.

Miss Devonshire, I have a great idea.

Why don't you let us put on a bridal shower for you?

Well, it does sound tempting.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

It's for women only.

Oh.

Well, I have to work late tomorrow night.

So why don't you girls go ahead and go for it, huh?

Oh, all right.

Yes.

Yeah, have fun.

And don't break any laws!

Oh, we won't.

I may have to read up on what drugs have been legalized,

though.

[CRICKETS]

[DOORBELL]

[RECORD SCREECHES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I know she's going to love my friends present.

I found this great lingerie at half off.

Which half did you buy?

[LAUGHS]

She's going to like mine the best.

It's rechargeable.

Miss Devonshire.

Congratulations.

Oh, Blanche.

You look great!

Wife, mother, executioner.

How do you do it?

Well, I owe it all to your advice column.

MISS DEVONSHIRE: Oh, you really like it?

Oh, you're not just saying that?

We really love those on the job tips.

Wait till next month's column.

101 uses for the billy club!

Ooh, I can't wait!

Come on, let's get this party rolling!

Stupid cackling hens.

They make me sick.

Should we be here?

Just be quiet and do what I tell you.

I have work to do.

I hope she likes my present. - What is it?

It's a surprise.

Now, help me find some of the old hag's outfits.

Here's some.

Ugh.

God.

They're all hideous.

This isn't going to be as easy as I thought.

And help me with some of these.

There might be something here that I might like.

[BUZZING]

Leave that one. It's AC.

I'm DC.

[INAUDIBLE]

- I just love parties. - Great.

Look at this food.

Weenie surprise, three bean salad, and fruit punch.

Yum.

It's probably left over from what the inmates had today.

Hey, make sure no one's watching.

I wanna give the punch a little boost.

Good idea.

[RECORD SKIPS]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I just love parties.

Especially after a long day of doing cavity searches.

[GIGGLING]

Look, it's the same food we served in prison today.

I can't wait to have some of that punch.

Um, maybe I'd better make a fresh batch.

Nonsense.

Stop hogging the refreshments.

We're gonna have some fun.

Ahh, that really wets my whistle.

Your turn, Samantha.

Open the door.

Will he be a dream--

Or a dud?

[CACKLING]

It's a dud.

You lose again!

This reeks.

They should make that dud look like Irwin.

You know, you really should be nice to him.

I think he likes you.

Oh, great.

Just what I need.

You tell can't me you've never had worse.

Well, actually, I went out with this guy

once, he used to get so drunk that he couldn't even--

My turn.

Oh, I bet I get a dream date.

Quick.

Make an excuse so we can get out of here.

Just be patient.

I have a little entertainment on the way.

You do? Tell me!

Well, I hired a male stripper to show up.

His name is Mr. Centaur.

He's a man from the waist up and a horse from the waist down.

I can't wait. [DOORBELL]

He's here.

[DOORBELL]

[LAUGHTER]

[GASP]

Hi, girls.

Who the hell are you?

I hired Mr. Centaur.

I must have had my hearing aid off when I took your order.

I thought you wanted me, Miss Century.

The world's only 100-year-old stripper.

You senile old fool, can't you get anything right?

As long as I'm here, you might as well enjoy the show.

(SINGING) Let me entertain you.

[CRASH]

Help me.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

You better get back to the old folks' home

before they find out you've gone.

MISS CENTURY: You've got a lot of nerve, you young tramps.

Men used to stand in line around the block to see my show.

I don't care what the cavemen did to see you.

Just go home and send us Mr. Centuar.

Honestly.

Now my panties are moist for nothing.

Look what's hiding over there.

It's him.

Come on out, shy boy!

It's not what you think, honest!

Come right this way.

There's an audience out back that isn't getting any younger.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ha ha! Another dud!

[CLEARS THROAT]

What in the world?

This is part of my gift to you, Miss Devonshire.

What do you want him to do?

- Strip search me. - No!

Take it off!

[RECORD SCREECHES] - Hit it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Take it off!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, are you OK?

Oh, yes.

I think so.

Oh, but suddenly, I have such a craving for weenie surprise!

Oh, no you don't.

- I really got to go. - Nonsense.

Stay for one game. - I can't.

I won't take no for an answer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Right foot, red.

Hey, Samantha, I bet you can't do this position!

[GRUNTS]

Candy.

Candy, this is a family game.

Your turn, big boy.

I've never played this game before.

Come on, it's easy.

Left hand, blue.

Watch out, Samantha.

If you slip, you have to leave the game.

Ow! Hey!

Better luck next time!

Left foot, yellow.

You heard her.

Middle leg, G spot.

I mean, left leg, yellow.

Candy!

Candy, what?

Candy, get up. - Party poopers.

Hey!

I want to open my presents!

Oh!

Here you go.

I can't wait!

Gift certificate, good for one free tattoo

at Scabia's Tattoo Parlor?

That was mine.

Just what I always wanted.

Just don't get a rose.

Open mine next.

I got all the inmates to make you something in shop class.

How appropriate.

That's not what it was supposed to say!

Honestly.

Well, maybe this will be something that I'll like.

[FOGHORN]

Who could have sent such a gift?

Well, the psychological profile

is a person who is infantile, does things on impulse,

and has a high sex drive.

Oh, real funny, Candy!

You'd like to give me a heart attack!

It's not mine, honest!

Look, here's a card.

Give me that.

Dear Miss Devonshire.

By the time you read this, it will be too late.

The commissioner will be mine.

[GASPS]

Signed Malathian. [GASPS]

Oh my god!

I can't get peace of mind, even in my own home.

Party's over.

I'm going to put a stop to this before it's too late.

Poor Miss Devonshire.

- Hey, where did your friend go? - That's odd.

Why did he leave already?

I didn't even get a chance to pay him.

Oh, the tip he would have gotten.

Look, I think he dropped this.

Anvil's Garage?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Heh heh!

Well, now, is this stack of prisoners

who are ready to be released?

Or are they the ones who are too dangerous to ever be set free?

Well, it's getting late.

Doesn't really matter.

Who's there?

Who is it?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, what are you doing here?

I thought you went home hours ago.

I couldn't get my mind off you, you stud muffin.

Well, I'm flattered, I'm sure.

But it is late, and I have all this paperwork to do.

Oh, the hell with that.

There's a more urgent matter at hand.

Miss Devonshire, does this have

anything to do with Malathian?

No.

It's not about me.

I mean, about her.

Do me, commissioner.

Right now, right here on this desk.

Miss Devonshire, what's gotten into you?

Well, nothing yet. Hurry up.

I'm not getting any younger.

Oh, all right.

So this is what you do the minute my back is turned?

I can't leave you alone for a single moment?

Miss Devonshire, I thought that this-- you were--

You.

How dare you.

Keep your hands off my man.

I was just trying to prove to you how unfaithful he is.

Was I right.

I'm going to ring your lousy neck.

So many men, so little time.

Got to run!

You get back here, right now!

Are you honestly going to tell me you couldn't

tell the difference between us?

I just thought you loosened your girdle a little bit.

Oh, you [INAUDIBLE] fool.

[LAUGHING]

What's the matter with you?

I can't believe what I've let you talk me into.

Oh, shut up.

This is the most fun I've had in years.

You're nothing like I expected.

Oh, really?

And what did you expect?

Suzy Homemaker?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, be Sharpies reasonable.

Look at the facts. One, it was very late.

Two, I was very tired.

And three, I thought it was you.

And four, it's not like I was trying to make the move

on some slut off the street.

I rest my case.

Well, it does sound better when you put it that way.

Here.

I'll make it up to you.

Look at that.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, I forgive you!

Oh, what a lovely gift.

I thought I was going to have to go and get my own ring.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't hear of it.

No, we arrested a hooker early this morning.

She's doing 30 days.

Ah, she'll never miss it.

Miss Devonshire?

I have another question.

And it's a rather delicate subject.

Then who better to ask it?

Well, um, what color wedding dress were you planning on?

I realized white is out of the question.

White is not out of the question.

I haven't been saving myself for all these years so I could

get married in bordello red.

I thought I was the only one who liked that color.

OK, so a white dress.

What style?

Let's see.

Maybe a little pill box hat, and a high waisted bodice,

and a strand of pearls.

Oh, something simple.

You know, like me.

A style from the 60s.

A style for someone in their 60s.

That's not what I said.

Oh, never mind.

Nothing can get me down today.

The commissioner and I have reconciled

and there's not a cloud in the sky.

Just let me get back to my column.

Dear Old Maid--

[LAUGHS]

Dear readers.

Now that I'm getting hitched, it's

proof that you should have been paying attention to all my tips

over the years.

I hope you're all as jubilant as I am today.

Everyone except for you, Malathian.

I hope that you are living--

Every moment in misery as I prepare for my big day.

As I march down the aisle, may you crawl through that sewer

of filth that you belong in.

Ugh, this is the last straw.

Maybe she's talking to someone else with the same name.

Shut up, you lug nut.

Jubilant on my wedding day.

We'll see who's jubilant when I'm through with her.

[BUZZER]

Oh my god.

What the hell is she doing here? - I don't know.

Did you invite her, because if you did--

No, I mean, I didn't.

I don't know how she found it.

Find out what she wants, and make it fast.

And then get rid of her.

Hi.

I thought I'd find you here.

I didn't think I'd see you again.

Silly boy.

You dropped your card the other night when you left,

so I came by.

Oh, I dropped my card?

That was dumb of me.

Dumb like a fox.

It's nice that you have a day job

as well as being a stripper.

I respect you for that.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

You were hoping that I'd come by, weren't you?

I was?

You don't have to pretend.

We're all alone here, aren't we?

Alone?

Yeah, right, we're alone. - Good.

Because I have a problem.

My engine's been revving ever since I laid

eyes on you the other night.

I need a tune up in the worst way.

OK, bring your car by and I'll take a look at it.

I'm not talking about my car.

I'm the one that's overheating.

Whip out that dipstick and make my engine purr.

What are you doing?

Come on, get out of those clothes

before I rip them off with my teeth.

Ow! My hand!

I think it's broken.

I'm sorry.

I guess I should've been more careful.

Ow!

No, it's OK.

It wasn't your fault.

I could stay and nurse you back to health.

No, no.

You've done enough already.

I think you better go.

I'll come back when you're feeling better.

I like a guy that has use of both his hands.

Well, don't hurry because I'm a slow healer.

Oh, wait.

Let me give you my phone number.

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday, but other than that,

I'm free all weekend.

Ow.

Ow! Damn.

Call me! Bye!

[BUZZER]

That cheap little floozy!

Trying to latch her hooks into you.

And you, how dare you two time me.

I didn't do anything with her!

She's had the hots for me ever since they caught me hiding

in that house, and it was your idea that I go

over there in the first place.

Yeah, I know that.

What were you doing stripping for her?

That's the only way I could get out of there.

You'd better be telling me the truth.

I am, honest!

She has her nerve, though!

You don't need to be jealous.

I'll never see her again.

You're damn right you'll never see her again,

or I'll carve you a new--

Wait a minute.

On second thought, maybe you will see her again.

She said the wedding's on Saturday.

All we need to know is where it is.

Why do you care?

Because if there's one thing I can't stand,

it's a happy ending.

Well, it looks like everything is set for our big event

this Saturday!

Listen, sir.

Do you think it's safe to go ahead with this wedding

with Malathian still at large? - That's right.

What if she shows up?

Well, how is she going to find out about it?

I mean, who would be stupid enough to let her know?

That would be pretty stupid.

[LAUGHS]

And I've been waiting my whole life to get married.

I'm not postponing it just because of

some insane, homicidal woman who may hold

a number of grudges against me. - That's right.

I mean, why jump to conclusions?

After all, Malathian doesn't even know where it is.

Besides, I want to start making plans for our honeymoon.

Oh, sir. So soon?

Yes, yes, yes.

You know, I'm hearing that Death Valley is looking

mighty good this time of year. - Death Valley?

That wasn't one of my choices.

Yeah, it's not what it's cracked up to be, either.

I went there last year.

I didn't see any dead bodies. - Really?

Oh, you don't say.

I was thinking more along the lines of something

like Niagara Falls.

Oh, but think of the cost, Miss Devonshire.

That's out of the question.

I tell you what.

Why don't I take you to one of those local water slides, huh?

Rafting down a water slide with a bunch

of drunken teenagers?

That's hardly my idea of a honeymoon.

I have a much better idea.

What about Tijuana?

There is this donkey show I've heard about.

That's enough, all of you.

Now, commissioner, listen.

You'd better come up with a good honeymoon,

and that's an ultimatum.

Girls, I didn't want to say this in front of Miss

Devonshire, but you know there is a pretty good

chance that Malathian may just crash the ceremony

and wreak havoc.

So you are going to postpone it, then?

No, not on your life.

This will be our best chance to catch her.

All right?

Now, I want both of you girls to stay on your toes

at that ceremony.

The minute Malathian makes her move, we will nab her.

Yeah, but what if there's crossfire?

There's going to be a lot of people there.

So a few people get shot.

We will be grabbing the number one criminal

at large in the process.

So, who gets hurt?

Hmm?

Now, remember.

Not one word to Miss Devonshire.

She may be inviting some of her family members to the wedding

and she wouldn't like my plan.

Can you believe that man?

A honeymoon in Death Valley?

What sort of souvenirs am I supposed to buy there?

Oh, that man has no sense of romance.

Why don't you let me give you a tip

on how to keep the romance in your relationship?

I already know the basics.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Well, I happen to know a more direct route.

I spiced up my last relationship by opening the door naked when

my boyfriend was coming over.

What happened?

Well, my boyfriend was late, but um,

I got my mail hand-delivered for about a year or so after that.

Thank you for that too. tip.

Now if you're finished, I have some work to get to.

Um, well, um, actually, there is one more thing.

I've taken the liberty of starting

a bridal registry for you at the local Shop and Save.

And look, somebody already bought you a ceramic clown

salt and pepper shaker.

Ooh, I better get down there while those irregular

pillowcases are still available.

Girls, before you start sending out invitations,

I've made a list of my own.

But we already have a list of who we're going to invite.

This is a list of who not to invite.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I'm not letting you turn my only trip down the aisle

into something so tawdry, it looks like a movie

for late night television.

But there's nothing wrong with the people on my list.

I mean, I didn't invite anybody who might

take a shot at you or anything.

Just pay attention.

No one who might show up on a motorcycle.

Oh, no one with more than four tattoos on any one body part.

No one who has ever appeared on an infomercial.

And no rodeo clowns.

Well, um, how about inmates who were used

in prison medical experiments?

That one goes without saying.

You know, all of those examples that you named

sound exactly like my type.

You wouldn't happen to have any numbers, would you?

[SIGHS]

Looks like I have to find a new date for this Saturday.

Miss Devonshire, this list is really necessary.

I mean, it's going to be hard enough getting people

to show up with a chance that--

Go on.

What were you going to say?

Um--

She was going to say that it's going

to be hard enough to get people to attend on such short notice.

Oh, well. Do the best you can.

My family can hardly believe I'm finally getting hitched.

There will be some surprised faces at that ceremony

this weekend.

You can say that again.

This wedding is making me so strapped for cash.

I just bought a bridal shower gift.

Now I have to get another one.

Why don't you just get them something for under $5.

That's what I did.

Really?

That's all you spent?

Sure.

I mean, you don't think I'm going

to break myself for those two dinosaurs, do you?

Look, there's a reason I got the registry at the Shop and Save.

There isn't a thing on that list over $5.

Anyway, it's the thought that counts, right?

Yeah, well, I like your sentiment.

But just remind me not to invite you to one of my weddings

someday.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, my car!

[GRUNTING]

And I have to find a safer place to park.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Never again.

Never again.

Never, never.

What are you babbling about now?

I'm making plans for Devonshire's wedding.

I didn't know you were invited.

I'm not, you peon.

That's never stopped me from crashing a party before.

I can't wait until they say, who doesn't want to see

these two people married?

Are you going to stand up and interrupt them?

No.

I'm going to stand up and shoot them.

And then we are going to make off

with all their wedding gifts.

What do you mean, we?

You heard me.

I'll hold them back at gunpoint while you

load up on the presents.

We could use a new toaster oven around here.

Wait a minute.

I thought you'd been rehabilitated before they

paroled you last week.

Rehabilitated?

Paroled?

Oh, yeah, right.

Where has my mind been?

You know, this is one part of my brain

that I think they fried a little too much in those prison

medical experiments.

Makes me forget just how far I've come.

How silly of me.

That's better.

Yeah, what I meant to say was, we

are going to go to the wedding and wish them our very best.

Oh, OK.

Just one thing, though.

You remember that blond bimbo that was here yesterday?

Yeah, you told me never to see her again.

Yeah, well, don't listen to everything I say.

Maybe you should ask her out on a date after all.

I mean, she has just the right pair of loose lips

to tell me everything I want to know.

Looks like everything's set for the wedding this Saturday.

All we have to do is be out of the park

by 1:30, when Tiffany Berkowitz gets married after you.

Wait a minute.

You didn't tell me the wedding was this Saturday.

I already have plans.

That's the day of the big science fiction convention.

Now wait a minute, young man.

If you can't make up your mind between a once in a lifetime

event and a frivolous little free for all--

Good.

I'm glad you don't mind that I won't be

attending your wedding, then.

Whew.

No, no, now wait a minute.

You're going to be there bright and early, young man,

you're going to suffer through, just like the rest of us.

What was that?

Figuratively speaking.

But my friends are expecting me at the convention.

We're going to be terminating fat girls in the hotel lobby.

That's enough.

End of discussion, young man.

He isn't going to be living with us, is he?

Miss Devonshire, my son is in his 20s,

he has a college degree, and a full time job.

I see.

Of course he's going to be living with us.

It'll be good for him to have a mother around, you know.

Perhaps you can even convince him to move out

of the basement, eventually.

When can I start calling you mom?

[LAUGHS]

Now look over here.

Samantha's modeling one of the bridesmaids outfits.

(SINGING)

Nice choice.

Who helped you with it?

Well, I picked it myself.

But they're on rental, so they have

to be returned the next day.

These are on rental?

I guess I should have worn underwear.

Well, it looks like everything's under control.

What did I tell you?

Come on, I have a cake to order.

Oh, did you find the bakery that had the bride and groom

on the cake, holding guns?

You look nice, Samantha.

Gee, thanks.

I'm sorry about calling cheap the other night.

That's OK.

I've been called worse.

Would you like to go out with me sometime?

[LAUGHS]

I don't think it would work out.

Our backgrounds are just too different.

What do you mean?

Well, you come from this nice, white bread,

middle class family.

So?

So, this is my first job.

Actually, my second job.

I used to do phone sex.

I was in prison for the last five years of my life.

I already knew that.

I saw your crime report.

You mean you knew all that stuff about me

and still want to go out with me?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, you seem like a nice person and besides,

I like women in prison movies.

Is it true what they do with the brooms in those places?

I wouldn't know.

Well, so, do we have a date?

Well, you're an all right kind of guy.

You know what?

I'd love to go out with you.

You would? Really?

Sure.

I wouldn't kid about something like that.

Now, what you want to do?

Um, how about a movie?

OK.

That sounds nice.

[THUNDER]

WOMAN (IN MOVIE): Please don't shoot me, Gus!

Gus!

Take me with you!

Please don't kill me!

Take me with you!

[SCREAMS]

What are you doing?

Please don't kill me!

[SCREAMS]

Thanks for letting me pick the picture, Samantha.

I hope you like it.

What's not to like about Pinata Party Massacre?

Oh, it's a classic.

Sorority girls having a pinata party,

sitting around in lingerie.

And then an escaped homicidal maniac crashes the party.

And he brings a baseball bat with nails in it!

I've seen it 18 times already.

If you've seen it before, why do you come back?

It gets better every time. Look, look.

Here's the part where the girl goes up to the attic.

Now watch.

She's going to let the bats out.

[SHRIEKS]

Would you be quiet?

Hey, I paid for my ticket.

I can do whatever I want here.

Irwin, try and be quiet so I can watch the movie.

[THUNDER] - Look.

Here's the best part.

She thinks she's going to be safe by locking

all the car doors in the car.

But the killer's in the back seat!

[SCREAMS]

Look, man.

You're spoiling the movie.

Either you shut up or I'm going home.

Sorry. We're good.

[YAWNS]

Irwin?

Shh.

What are you doing?

Shh.

Trying to watch the movie.

That does it.

Look.

I've had some lousy dates before,

but this one takes the cake.

Just be glad I didn't bring my brass knuckles.

What are you looking at?

Wait, you're going to miss the ninja cheerleaders!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

No, Anvil's busy right now.

I'll take a message.

Oh, it's Candy.

I see.

Oh, the wedding is tomorrow at noon in the park,

and you'd like to know if he'd come as your date.

Yes, I'll see to it he gets it.

Who was that?

Oh, just a wedding invitation I've been expecting.

We have any plans for tomorrow afternoon?

I never have any plans.

Oh, I forgot.

Well anyway, get together your fanciest duds, because this is

an event I don't want to miss.

Oh, I love weddings.

Can I tie tin cans to the back of their car?

Shut up.

I can't wait until they serve the wedding

cake, because I'm going to bite the heads

off the bride and groom.

[CACKLES]

I'm exhausted.

I can't wait until those two are finally married.

I know.

I had no idea it was going to be so much work

organizing one of these things.

You said it.

Good evening, ladies.

What's your sign?

Mine's slippery when wet.

Really?

It looks more like vacancy upstairs.

Come on, be nice to me and I'll

give you the first and third right on Collossus.

Oh, please. I don't like kiddie rides.

Why don't you get lost?

You don't know what you're missing.

[GRUNTING]

Just beat it!

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I guess I'd better check my list one last time.

OK.

Are you sure the band's going to be there?

Yeah. I confirmed it this afternoon.

OK.

And you're sure they know how to play the wedding march?

Well, I talked with my friend Slash

and he said he'd never played it before,

but he promised me he would learn it by tomorrow.

- Slash? - Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What kind of band did you get?

How many kinds are there?

I was kind of thinking of the kind that

plays like, elevator music?

Listen, you wanted a band that played for free.

You can't get too picky.

Yeah, I guess you're right. OK.

I invited all of Miss Devonshire's friends.

Well, two of them.

And they said that they would have to work something out

to get the day off of prison guard duty,

but they'll be there. - Good.

That's good.

And Irwin said he might bring some of his friends with him.

Oh, god.

Do not even mention his name to me.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

It's just that we went on this date and it was a disaster.

You went out with him?

That's so cute!

No.

It's not.

He's got a real problem with wandering hands.

Really?

I kind of like that in a guy.

And I thought you were gonna go as his date?

Oh, please.

The only kind of date he's going to get is the inflatable kind.

What about you? Who are you going to take?

Well, um, I asked that male stripper from the party

the other night.

You invited him?

You're kidding me.

What's so funny about that?

Nothing.

Nothing.

What else do you have on your list?

Malathian the preacher knows what time to show up.

I guess that's everything.

You said it.

Hey, let's get another round to celebrate.

Yeah.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

Girls, I know you're not up for parole until next week,

but I'm getting married, so what the hey?

I'll release you today if you promise to get us a nice gift.

Hm?

No, no, no, no, girls.

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

No, no. Stop, stop!

Stop.

Man, what else is he talking about?

Wish I knew what happened to my ring.

- Sir? - Yeah.

Do I get the day off work as well?

Did you buy us a nice present?

No.

Then you work today.

I'm so nervous.

Do I look all right?

Oh, you look fine!

And I think that dress is back in style now.

Maybe I am worried over nothing.

I mean, after all, everything's been planned

out to the very last detail.

What could possibly go wrong?

[SHOUTING]

What's all that shouting about outside?

Well, we couldn't take the day off work without someone

to mind the shop.

[SHOUTING]

Tell Joyce [INAUDIBLE] the tee shirt!

I didn't invite these prisoners.

Don't worry.

You'll hardly know they're here.

Look at all these cheap gifts.

Whose idea was it to have the bridal registry

at Shop and Save, anyway?

Never mind that.

Have you seen how many inmates are at our wedding?

Well, just calm down.

I think we put most of them behind bars ourselves.

I just wonder where my son, the best man, is.

[SHOUTING]

Irwin!

Hi, dad!

What in the blazes is going on?

Well, I told you that I wanted to go to the science

fiction convention.

And the only way I could come by here and to have enough time

is if I came in costume.

I hope you don't mind, I brought a couple of my friends along.

Young man, we were going to have a long, long discussion

when this is all over.

Now, did you bring the ring?

Well, of course.

What you think, I'm stupid?

Friend of the bride or the groom?

Oh, can anything else go wrong?

Where are my flower girls?

Come on, you two.

Sleep it off at home.

Did you say something?

Yeah, it's noon.

Order another drink or beat it.

Oh, I'll go for another drink--

noon? Noon?

Oh my god, the wedding's already started.

- What? - The wedding's already started.

OK, OK.

Um, well I got the dresses in the car--

we can change on the way.

Did you broads need a designated driver?

I think you need to mind your own business.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

Excuse me, I'm Reverend Fletcher.

I'll be conducting the ceremony today.

Oh, all right. [INAUDIBLE]

Nice to meet you.

That's Fletcher.

Say, you look familiar.

Weren't you the girl on the three of hearts?

No.

You must have me mistaken for somebody else.

Well, are we ready to get started?

We're still waiting for someone who isn't here yet.

They better get here quickly.

Tiffany Berkowitz is getting married in the next half hour.

And you have to be out of here.

Yes, we know.

[LOUD ELECTRIC ROCK MUSIC]

[AMP FEEDBACK]

Excuse me, but I believe you're at the wrong place.

This is a wedding.

I know.

I'm supposed to be here.

I doubt that.

Who told you to be here?

Candy and Samantha.

Candy and Samantha.

Grab the wheel!

Grab the wheel, Candy! - I got it!

I got it!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Ahhh!

I can't see!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[YELLING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

[YELLING]

Oh my gosh.

Grab the wheel, I can't see!

My dress!

Oh my god!

Woah! Woah!

Aren't you going to put the gift with the others?

No.

I'm waiting for just the right part.

What is it?

It's a surprise.

Boy, you sure like surprises.

Oh, by the way, are you friends with the bride or the groom?

Neither.

[SHOUTING]

Grab the wheel.

I got it, I got it!

We really need to begin.

Very well, then.

[CAR HONKING] - OK, OK, OK!

[ELECTRIC GUITAR]

[SHOUTING]

Are we ready?

Ready as I'll ever be!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite

this couple in holy matrimony.

Now, if there is anyone out here who

feels this couple should not be united,

please speak now or forever hold your peace.

[CAR HONKS MUSICALLY]

Look out!

[SCREAMING]

What the--

No wonder you got such a good deal on this car.

The brakes don't work.

- Girls, are you all right? - Oh, yeah.

We're fine. - You idiot!

You ruined my wedding!

How dare you show up dressed like this?

But our clothes blew out the window!

And that band you picked!

I picked the band.

What will it take to knock some sense

into your brainless heads?

[CACKLING]

Oh, this is too much!

Malathian!

Guards!

Arrest this woman!

All right, stay back and nobody gets hurt.

[CHEERING]

Get down!

Down!

What are you doing with the gun?

Shut up. I told you it was a surprise.

Stay back!

How dare you show up to my wedding.

You weren't invited.

Well, I came to stir up a little trouble,

but it looks like your own girls have done

a pretty decent job themselves.

[LAUGHS]

Sometimes, I wonder whose side they're on myself.

Gee, commissioner, you were right.

Malathian did show up, just like you said.

You mean you were expecting this and you never told me?

I wasn't absolutely positive.

Thanks a lot, Candy.

Did you open your presents?

The set of mismatched towels were mine.

Oh, hi Anvil.

It's nice that you showed up.

Why don't you meet me in me car, naked, after the ceremony?

You, keep your hands off my man.

Your man?

You heard me, you gold digging tramp.

We met through Prison Romance Magazine way

before you came into his garage and wanted

his love nuts and dipstick.

She met that from the pen pal column?

Boy, I'm going to have to start

reading those personal ads a little more carefully.

You two-timing pig!

I can't believe you'd make the moves on me when

you already had a girlfriend.

It's not--

It's not what it looks like, honest!

You get back with the others.

I'm not finished yet.

And I'm glad that car hood slammed on your hand

the other night before I was about to do

the wild thing with you.

By the way, do you have any brothers?

I've had enough of all of you!

Preacher, I hope you know how to say the last rites.

Listen, you people!

I'm getting married at 1:30 here and you're

already past your time limit!

Let's get a move on it!

Listen, honey, if you were smart, you'd shut your mouth

and get out of here while you still got the chance?

Who do you think you're talking to?

I don't care who I'm talking to, now get your ass out

of here before I shoot it off.

No one talks to Tiffany Berkowitz like that!

Get her, girls!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, hope nobody bought us any china.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Come on, Malathian!

We've been keeping the cell nice and clean for you!

Go to hell!

[APPLAUSE]

Well, young lady, what do you have to say for yourself now?

It's just not fair!

I mean, how come everybody else gets to have

a happy ending except for me?

I mean, I'm the one who should be marching down

that aisle in a wedding dress.

Isn't there anybody who will have me?

I'll marry you.

You will?

Yes, I will.

It won't be much at first.

Only conjugal visit days, but it'll

be exactly what I had in mind.

A seven year engagement.

That is, if you'll have me.

Aw, you're darn right I'll have you.

I accept.

Can she do this?

Yes, she can.

In fact, the law allows it.

Then a double ceremony it'll be.

A double ceremony?

What did I just tell you people? - No, no, no.

We'll make it nice and quick, all right?

By the way, young lady, have you ever considered

a career in vice enforcement?

You see this wedding dress?

You think I'm planning on having a job?

Do you, Thelma Louise Devonshire--

[GIGGLES]

Excuse me.

Would you two shut up?

Oh, sorry.

Please continue.

Do you take the commissioner to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you take Miss Devonshire to be

your lawfully wedded wife? - I do.

And do you, Malathian, take Anvil to be your husband?

Do I ever. I mean, I do.

And do you take Malathian to be your wife?

I do.

I pronounce you both man and wife.

You may kiss the brides.

[APPLAUSE]

All right.

Oh no!

Til death do you part is going to come a little early for you

two.

Someone stop her!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[GUNSHOT]

I told you not to bump into me when I'm taking aim!

Our best wedding gift yet!

Yeah, better than any of those crummy gifts they gave us.

Well, good work, Candy.

Wait a minute!

What about my honeymoon?

Ha!

In about seven.

I'll see you on conjugal visit day.

Maybe they'll give me time off for good behavior.

I'll wait for you.

And I'll keep you company while she's gone.

The hell you will!

I've broken out before and I'll do it again.

Yeah, sure.

Boy.

If I would have only hired a video crew to

tape this wedding.

Think of all the money we could have won in America's

Most Hilarious Home Videos.

[ELECTRIC GUITAR]

Hey, Samantha, would you like to go

to the science fiction convention

with me and my friends?

Uh, no thanks, Irwin.

You're just not my type.

Now this is my kind of man.

Hey, get Slash, you get any new tattoos lately?

Not that I could show you out in public.

Oh, man!

Irwin, when can I eat some food?

Let's go hotwire a car and go for a ride.

Oh, man.

I'd like to, but it's a parole violation.

You're no fun anymore these days.

[APPLAUSE]

Speaking of honeymoons, where did you decide on?

Oh, you're going to love it.

It's going to be a working vacation.

A working vacation?

Exactly what I had in mind.

We can never rest.

Remember, vice happens.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Didn't I say I want you people out of here?

Ah!

[MUSIC - MARKY DESADE, "PISTOL WHIPPED"]