Original subtitles

(BOTH GRUNT)

Ah! Nice going, Lady Catherine.

- You're playing like a young Eugenie Bouchard. - CATHERINE: Oh! (LAUGHS)

ANDREW: What's he want, do you think?

Probably wants to try and talk you into doing that ad again.

Alright, so after that video conference with Henry,

I get the rest of the day to work with Ellen.

So we'll have to do something about that.

What's up?

Sorry. Just, um...

What do we think of our new tennis coach?

Javier? Well, he seems like a nice enough fellow.

- Catherine likes him. - Mm.

- (CATHERINE AND JAVIER LAUGH) - What?

Well, it's not my business to say.

- You don't think he's the one she's... - Well, you've had your suspicions.

I know, but you always said I was being paranoid.

You always said Catherine was like Caesar's wife.

I assumed you meant above suspicion,

not having an affair with Mark Antony.

Shall we get Myles to do a background check?

No. No, let me look after it.

JAVIER: Ah, too good for me, Lady Catherine.

Oh, let's hit the showers. Morning, darling.

BOTH: Morning.

(THEME MUSIC)

Well, it's like I keep trying to explain to Svetlana -

communication is reductive in the new millennium.

People are reading newspapers on screens.

They're reading books on screens. They study on-screen.

They shop on-screen. They have relationships on-screen.

Who's Svetlana?

Some woman in Latvia he's sending money to every month.

Oh.

He thinks it's a woman. I'm not so sure.

TV is the lingua franca.

You should be over the moon they've optioned the book.

- Ellen hasn't even finished it yet. - There's a reason for that.

They've done it sight unseen, incidentally.

This hasn't happened since Thomas Harris

wrote the sequel to Silence Of The Lambs.

Hannibal Lecter's a far less interesting character than you are.

- But it's on Channel Ten. - They did the Bob Hawke one.

- Nice fee. - Yeah. Will I see any of it?

Yeah, you will, most of it, less my percentage and Ellen's cut.

I could pay off some of my HECS debt.

I can get you casting approval, Andrew. There's something.

- Who played Bob? - Richard Roxburgh.

- He was brilliant. - I don't want Bob's hand-me-downs.

William Mclnnes did a brilliant John Curtin.

Don't like him. He ruined SeaChange for me when he turned up.

A lot of people say I look like George Clooney.

Can he do an Australian accent?

There are plenty of Aussie actors in Hollywood, Andrew.

You've got Rusty, Hugo, Joel, Hugh, that guy who plays Thor.

Or his brother.

Whoever he is, he'll need a certain charm.

Eric Bana made Chopper likeable.

But he doesn't look like me, whereas George does.

Andrew, here's a thought: what about that guy, you know who I mean,

grey hair, does that show on the ABC, looks a bit like you.

- Tony Jones? - I know who you mean.

That comedian.

- Don't know about casting a comedian. - Eric Bana was a comedian.

I think a comedian will bring goodwill to the role.

I've got plenty of goodwill! It's not as if I'm Kevin Rudd.

What about that guy that used to be on Offspring who Catherine likes?

- Matthew Le Nevez? - No, no, no, no.

He played Kerry Packer and his father. He's very versatile.

- Lachy Hulme. - (SNAPS FINGERS) Lachy Hulme, yeah.

- I reckon he could do me quite easily. - Righto. Consider his agent rung.

As a Plan B, if you can't get George.

Yeah, absolutely. The other thing we've got to discuss is that ad.

Today's the last day they can shoot that.

Henry, I'm a former prime minister. I don't do television commercials.

- Well, but... - No, I've said no four times.

- It debases the office. - Whitlam did one for pasta sauce.

People think you're grasping and cash-strapped if you do an ad.

Well, it's for charity.

Even less reason to do it if there's no money.

- It's for children, Andrew. - No.

- With anaphylaxis. - I'm busy, alright?

- I have to write this book with Ellen. - I want that in writing.

Absolutely.

- "Dead, buried, cremated." - Iron-clad guarantee, that.

- Right, we done? Thank you, Henry. - Thank you, Andrew.

(ANDREW WHISTLES)

You promised you'd work with me on the book today.

Now you're having lunch with Dr Clegg from Offspring.

Yeah, well, this is for the book.

If Lachy says yes, they'll green-light the funding.

The telemovie will be great for sales. You should be very happy.

You know, the RAF deployed chaff during the Second World War -

little strips of paper covered in aluminium,

dropped from Lancasters to distract German radar.

But it didn't take long for the Luftwaffe to realise

what Bomber Command planned and develop a countermeasure.

That's great. It's exactly that level of historical detail

that will make this book a bestseller.

Well done.

My grandfather flew in the same squadron as John Gorton. Interesting.

That's interesting! You never told me that.

Do you want to meet Lachy? He'll be here in half an hour.

Didn't you want me to write some sample scenes?

Just put together my better quotes so he gets a sense of my voice.

When you're done, come out and give it to him. We'll be in the garden.

Why aren't you doing the ad?

You do know that 1 in every 20 children

suffers from immunoglobulin E-mediated anaphylaxis?

Carol, charities are a very, very personal thing.

I can't say yes to all of them, or I'd have no time for anything else.

- How're you going there, boy? - It's 1 in every 20 children!

Yeah, well, I don't know any.

- Stefan suffers from it. - Does he?

Don't you remember that day he broke out in welts

when he ate that peanut brittle?

You were supposed to be looking after him.

Really? Oh, no, no.

And he said that to you?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

- Papa, can I eat this? - Absolutely.

- You enjoy yourself, I think. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on. Not you, boy!

I'll call you back, Condi, on the secure line.

Spit it out. Spit it out!

No, no, not you, darling.

Spit it out, boy! Spit it out. Into my hand, come on.

Into my hand. Into my hand.

I command you to spit it into my hand.

Right.

Give it back. Drop it!

Spit it out. Spit it out!

- No. - CATHERINE: You remember, darling.

His tongue swelled up

and we couldn't understand anything he said.

I thought he had a speech impediment.

- He had to go to hospital! - Alright.

I didn't say it wasn't a serious speech impediment.

- Bye, Papa. - Have a lovely day at school, boy.

Oh. No more toast.

Javier had the last piece, darling.

- Did he? - I'm sorry, Mr Dugdale.

We had quite a vigorous session and worked up quite an appetite.

It's true, he had me dripping with sweat

and panting like a dog in less than 15 minutes.

(CHUCKLES) I'll see you to your car.

No, thank you, Rita. That's alright. I'll have Stefan's cereal instead.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- I hope I'm not interrupting. - Hey, Myles.

How's the old screenplay coming along?

(SCOFFS) Hardly a screenplay.

Just a couple of scenes for Harvey Weinstein out there.

Lachy Hulme, I heard.

Grapevine's working overtime downstairs, eh?

No, actually, I literally heard.

We've got spyware installed in Mr D's Thunderbolt.

Polyphonic sound. It's like virtually being there.

Need a hand?

If I need any split infinitives, I'll give you a call.

Hm?

Sorry, Myles, the boss is just proving very elusive today.

Is he?

- I could tell you some stories. - Oh, yeah?

I mean, I couldn't, because of the Official Secrecy Act, obviously.

It would be treason if I divulged his affairs.

- (GASPS) He's had affairs, has he? - I have said too much.

I was just coming in to see if you were gonna

write my character into the story.

I heard that he and Condoleezza Rice got on well at that embassy thing.

No, no, they were...

... looking for the bathroom, separately,

although...

... through the glass, it might have looked like...

I was never here.

I certainly hope he's not allergic to sodium.

"Serving suggestion."

How else are you supposed to eat them unless it's in a bowl of milk?

Don't you believe everything you read, Mr Dugdale, sir.

I have a friend who eats them raw,

and there's nothing wrong with his goitre.

What's this I hear about Lachy Hulme coming over?

Ah, yes, we're having a meeting about a possible telemovie.

- Nobody told me. - It was a very accurate wild guess.

Well, Myles overheard Ellen on the phone to her mother.

Really, Andrew, you bang on interminably

about all the other tedious shite that happens in your day,

but when something actually interesting happens,

something worth sharing with me, you keep it to your damn self!

- Pas devant, darling. Pas devant. - What?

Pas devant les domestiques, Mrs Dugdale -

not in front of the servants.

Oh, fuck that! I've got to change.

(SOFTLY) Fucking idiot!

Well, the ladies certainly seem to like him, Curtis.

Catherine's always going on about how rugged and sexy he looks.

Perfect to play you, then, sir.

Thank you, Curtis. More sodium?

If anything, he'll have to ramp it up a bit.

- Yes, alright. - Particularly the sexiness.

This is getting inappropriate now, Curtis.

- Pas devant, sir. - Hm?

- Pas devant. - Pas d�viant, you mean.

She does have a point.

Hello, Ellen, my darling.

Hi, Cath. You smell nice.

Oh! It's not too much, is it? Do I stink of desperation?

No, no. You've masked it beautifully with all that perfume.

(LAUGHS) 'Cause I don't want to come across as some ditzy fangirl,

you know, but I am totally in love with Offspring.

I mean, I basically am Nina.

- Look, I've got to finish this scene. - I understand.

I just came in for a Sharpie.

(LAUGHS) It's not too much to ask for an autograph, is it,

and maybe a selfie?

No, celebrities love that sort of thing.

Alright, well, I'll leave you to finish your scenes.

I hope you're not working me in as a character.

(LAUGHS)

Yes, it's an amalgam of you and Myles,

and you both end up strangled by the ghostwriter.

Catherine?

Give this to your boss. Tell him to get it fixed.

You're looking good. A little flushed.

He gave me quite a work-out.

I'm surprised you've got enough energy to play tennis.

Jealousy is your least attractive vice.

If you're going to sleep with anyone behind your husband's back,

it should be me.

I'm discreet, trustworthy and loyal.

With me, there's no chance this will end up in some gossip column.

So sleeping with you is in Andrew's best interests?

It's what's held us together for ten years. It's safer.

Well, I feel like being dangerous,

and not necessarily just with Javier.

- What's his Twitter handle? - ELLEN: @drewdug.

Didn't vote for Drewdug, but, look,

you don't have to like a character to play a character.

For example, no actor in his right mind

is going to knock back the chance

to play Macbeth or the Hulk if they were offered it,

because when you investigate these characters,

when you get down into the muck, sometimes, if you're lucky,

you find a little bit of yourself down there in the dark.

You know what I'm saying?

So playing these revolting, villainous roles

can be... very attractive,

very... enticing, very...

Ellen, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT) What were your first impressions of Andrew Dugdale?

Very...

... hospitable.

He gave me a tour of the home,

told me about all the famous people that he'd met,

all the awards that he had received.

I think a complete history of his time in office

and a very, very exhaustive account

of every single thing he's been doing since he left office.

I think Drewdug is very, very keen

to control the image of himself,

how he's represented, how an actor would portray him

in this epic two-part miniseries.

Word on the street is that Ellen is making us both into an amalgam.

Is that a man or a woman?

I hope it's a man,

otherwise my dream casting of that guy

who plays Thor goes out the window.

Oh, don't underestimate his range. He's got pretty long hair.

The whole place is subsiding, but that's half its charm, I think.

Uh, Tibetan slate. Took 12 men to carry it up the stairs.

This is where I come to burn off the old spare tyre.

Oh, I mean, hey, don't get me wrong.

I've got nothing against these slim-hipped pretty boys

who are trying to look good at the Logies.

I'm just saying, for me personally, acting is about the truth.

Oh, yes.

Playing a real person, a real-life, flesh-and-blood human being,

a prime minister, no less.

Well, that... that is all about commitment.

I remember when Roxburgh was playing Bob Hawke.

- Do you know Richard Roxburgh? - From the telly, yeah.

Rox gives me a call and said,

"Lachster, this one is going to be a lot more about

just putting on a silly wig and tugging at the old earlobe, right?"

- Right? - Mm.

And he was right!

But it's not as if I haven't walked away

with certain prizes of my own.

I know what you mean, Lachy.

I actually did a bit of acting myself at uni -

Salome and Dolly Levi.

- On the same night too. - Right.

Was it one curtain call or two, darling?

- Um, I remember there being a curtain. - (SNOOKER BALLS CLACK)

- If I take on this role, Drewdug... - Yeah?

... be warned: I'll be in your face 24/7.

- (CUE CHALK SQUEAKS) - I'll be over you like a bad rash.

Could be me, tugging on your little...

... earlobe.

Yes, well, absolutely. My life's an open book, isn't it, Ellen?

Sure, just one with a lot of pictures and not much text.

(CUE STICK CLATTERS)

Fascinating.

(SHOOTS)

What's the name of the guy who used to go out with Lara Bingle?

- Oh, Michael Clarke. - That's it.

That's who I'd want to play me. He's brilliant, that guy.

No, you mean Sam Worthington.

He was in Avatar and Clash Of The Titans.

No, I mean Michael Clarke.

Michael Clarke is a cricketer.

A bloody brilliant cricketer!

And this is the...

Actually, I don't think I've ever been in this room.

I read in one of those silly magazines

that when you prepared for Offspring,

you actually went into a hospital to watch some surgery.

Performed some. Removed a mole.

Even with a fictional character, like Martin Clegg,

I think it's important for one to immerse oneself

into the milieu of one's character.

It's the same with every role I play.

Fascinating.

Surely there are certain milieus an actor can't draw on

when he's playing a real character.

No, not 'milieus', silly. 'Millieux', with a silent X.

Well, sure. But, say, when you were playing Kerry Packer in, uh, um...

- Which was it? - Howzat!

How's That? When you played Kerry Packer in How's That?,

he'd been dead for five years.

Yes, but you see, there's art, Drewdug, and there's life,

and, of course, there's nature.

Now, some actors like to go to the zoo, for example.

Oh, I love watching animals.

There's something so brutish and primal about them.

No, thank you.

I've spent hours at the gorilla enclosure,

studying the magnificent African silverback, Kibabu,

when I was preparing to play Kerry.

When I was playing his father, Sir Frank Packer, however,

I also studied Kibabu, but from a completely different angle.

- Fascinating. - Aha!

My old nemesis.

(PLAYS VIOLIN HORRIBLY)

(APPLAUSE)

What animal do you think you're most like, Mr Dugdale?

That is an excellent question, Ellen! Go.

Oh. Um, uh...

Well, I-I tell you what,

I don't see myself as a silverback.

- More a silverfish. - (PLAYS RIMSHOT)

My wife, folks. Thanks, sweetie.

I thought Bob Hoskins was dead.

Yeah. I think he'd still make a good John Howard.

Kim Beazley would be John Goodman.

Julia Gillard - Tilda Swinton.

Christopher Pyne...

Ah, Johnny Galecki from Big Bang.

I'm not sure about Pyne.

It's important to get the nose right.

That's why Anthony Hopkins never worked for me as Nixon.

I think it helps if they've got beards.

I don't care if you're Daniel Day-Lewis

or whoever played him in that film where he's a vampire killer -

you put a beard on, they're Abraham Lincoln.

Very few politicians have beards.

I can only think of Kim Carr...

... and nobody's going to watch a movie about him.

(SHOOTS)

Hm. I'm not really sure who should play me.

Um, does Cate Blanchett do telemovies?

Well, I think she's rather busy...

Well, either her or Nicole Kidman.

She fucking nailed it as Princess Grace.

- I don't care what anybody says. - That's true.

Well, I do hope we can work together, Lachy.

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a busy boy myself today, so...

- Whoa, what's going on? - Well, uh...

Ellen and I have to work on the book, don't we, Ellen?

- Theoretically. - Mind if I hang around to observe?

No, no, not at all. That would be fine, obviously.

It can be a little bit dry, that's all.

I'll be speaking about desalination plants. It's a bit dull.

Very dull, as a matter of fact.

Or we could talk about Washington embassy functions.

Sounds even duller.

You don't play tennis at all, do you, Lachy?

Squash.

I'd just love to see if I could catch my muse with his guard down,

see the inner workings of this old clock.

Absolutely. Not a problem at all.

- Oh! I just remembered. What a pity. - Hey, what's going on?

No, no. It's stupid of me, actually.

No. I just remembered that, uh,

Sonny and I have a thing this afternoon instead, don't we, Sonny?

- Sorry, Ellen. - What thing?

That thing, you know. Catherine, I spoke to you about that thing.

- What? - The thing.

It's been in the diary for months, hasn't it, Rita?

- What, the ad? - Yes! The ad.

Yes, the ad, that's it. It's a charity thing. It's for...

The Nut Allergy Awareness Foundation.

I love those guys.

If you want to know what sort of guy I am,

I'm the sort of guy who does community service work for nothing.

There's nothing in it for us, is there?

- Well, our grandson is anaphylactic. - A little, true, yes.

But I do it predominantly for others, for the public.

Well, that's great! I'd love to see this selfless side of you in action.

Well, I do try and keep those sorts of things private.

Ah... see, that's interesting -

for the public, but in private.

- Better write that down, Lachy. - Yep.

I'm sure it'll be alright.

Sonny, we could probably arrange that with the Foundation.

Though I imagine they would have the final say.

Absolutely. It wouldn't be a problem at all.

Good, good, good.

His performance? Well, the first few takes were just appalling.

I didn't even believe him when he said,

"Hello, my name is Andrew Dugdale," so...

Anyway, that's why I've volunteered my services

to appear in the old adarooney with him

to give this thing some hope

of at least being worth broadcasting.

So what are these, exactly?

They're a soy-based product, with cornstarch, maize,

seeds, flax and seaweed extract.

A genuine nut substitute. No nuts at all.

Otherwise you wouldn't be able to call them No Nuts.

Oh, no, that would get us into all sorts of trouble, if we did that.

Yes, yes. Well, it's a wonderful place, Keith.

Do you package anything else here?

Yes, we do the Nutty Nut Bars, the Full-O'-Nut Bars,

uh, Nut Creams, 100% Aussie Nut Bars, Nut Brittle,

Choco-Nut Nut Bars, Choco-Nut Extra-Nut Nut Bars,

um... Nuttos.

I think that's about it.

Apart from the half-hour a day we do the No Nuts.

And you're not worried about traces of nut ending up in the product?

That's why we put the warning on the pack. Here.

Right.

- Lachy! - Absolutely ruined Hopkins's voice.

- Hey, Lachy! - Yeah?

Do you mind if I toss the No Nut

into your mouth rather than my grandson's?

Sounds great, Drewdug. And that's why I won't do voice-overs either.

Hate to be a pain, ladies and gentlemen,

but I've got a squash match with Noah Taylor at four o'clock,

so, uh... let's crank it up.

Stand by, everybody. Final checks.

Yes, yes. Lachy's right, it is showtime.

So, uh, let's, uh...

... start the shooting of the commercial.

Hyper-allergenic... Hyper-allergenic reaction.

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I've Got No Nuts. No-nut tosser, take 1.

MAN: Set, and action.

Hello. I'm former prime minister Andrew Dugdale.

You may have found some of my policies hard to swallow,

but try swallowing anything after a hyper-allergenic reaction,

except your tongue.

My father's right.

As a mother, I am always on the lookout for a lunch-box snick...

... snack that is safe and healthy.

That's why we're all happy to have No Nuts,

a yummilicious, non-nut-derivative schoolyard treat

with a great, choctastic taste.

It's me. But don't take our word for it.

Even award-winning actors love them.

(CHOKES AND COUGHS)

One, two... (PANICKED YELLING)

Cut!

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Mr Hulme will need a bronchoscopy to remove the obstacle.

As chief pulmonologist, I recommend surgery be carried out immediately.

Yeah. That really got in there, didn't it?

Very thoughtful of them to send you a hamper.

May I?

- (WEAKLY) Help yourself. - It will be painful.

Scar tissue will probably make breathing intermittently difficult

for the rest of his life.

Whatever needs to be done, Doctor. Money is no object.

The Nut Allergy Awareness Foundation will pay for everything.

- That won't be necessary. - As their spokesperson, I insist.

No, I mean, this is a public hospital.

Despite your best endeavours while in office,

emergency treatment is still covered by our health system.

If you'll excuse me, I have to attend to some of the patients

in our corridor.

I tried to make private medical care compulsory,

but would caucus listen?

- No, they would not. - You're gonna have to leave now.

- You're going to prep him, are you? - No, I just want you to go.

Alright, then. Well, I'll go.

(SNAPS GLOVE)

Just roll over for me, just to your side.

Loved your work in Crocodile Hunter, by the way.

Big cough.

- (COUGHS) - That's it.

(CURTIS TITTERS)

Well, I'm afraid I have some terrible news.

Oh, my God.

We're going to have to find somebody else to play me.

That's a bit callous, isn't it?

I know, but he doesn't want the role anymore.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Andrew!

We thought you were saying he was dead.

Well, he is, as far as this project is concerned.

My God! What sort of actor can't catch food in his mouth?

I've never liked him, you know.

I never liked him. He was overly familiar.

He was worse than Ray Martin.

We're better off looking for somebody else.

What about John Wood? He's a great actor.

I've always been impressed by Rodger Corser.

Firass Dirani?

They're all excellent suggestions, but, Sonny,

I think we should get on to that grey-haired bloke at the ABC.

I YouTubed him on Ellen's phone while we waited for Lachy

to regain consciousness, and he's good.

Onto it.

I parked around the corner, Mr Dugdale, sir,

to avoid any unnecessary egging.

- Excellent thinking, Curtis. - Thank you, sir.

What were you going to tell me about desalination plants?

Ah, yes. Well, they've been built largely on the coastline.

Global warming is reducing rainfall, that's true,

but it's also melting glaciers.

That means the sea level rises, thus, when the plants need to be used,

they'll be underwater, rendering the whole exercise completely useless.

I told the State government. Would they listen? No, they would not.

You were right, you know.

In that they shouldn't have been built?

- No, in that it was very dull. - It's ringing.

Ah, thank you.

(PHONE RINGS)

Tony Jones.

ELLEN: Your dad doing the ad, is that why you're in such a good mood?

Yeah, I think that is why I'm in a good mood.

It's not often that Dad changes his mind on stuff.

Yeah... I mean, it's not that he doesn't...

... feel things or believe in principles.

Maybe it's just that...

... he feels like expressing them in front of microphones and cameras

somehow makes him seem insincere,

so he doesn't do it.

Like, he'd rather keep his motives pure,

even if that means never doing anything about them.

Anyway, I'm really glad he's doing it.

Turns out not to be such a self-obsessed parent after all, eh?

- Mummy, it's empty. - Mummy's talking, sweetie!

Go ask Rita.

Fuck! Rude.

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