Original subtitles

Well, does Bill Clinton have a statue in his library?

No, no, no, no, I've seen your father's,

and he's only got a fountain and it's outside.

It's not in the middle of the reading room.

Yeah, well, I think if people wander in

and they see an enormous marble version of you,

they're gonna think you've built more a monument to yourself

than a presidential library.

Me? (LAUGHS) No. No, no.

Ex-Australian prime ministers

don't tend to have libraries built in their honour.

I think it's something to do with the general distrust we have

of anyone over here who can read.

Yeah, well, listen, hey, what about this?

Put the statue outside near the hedge maze

and then you can be on the horse like you wanted.

(BOTH MOUTH)

Yeah. Good, yes, thank you.

Well, lovely talking, yes. Love to Laura.

Yeah, and best of luck to Jeb.

- OK, then. Bye-bye. - (EARPIECE BEEPS)

You wouldn't catch George Bush repairing a window.

No, well, he's probably got a wilier business manager than I have.

You know, one that doesn't get caught when he commits tax fraud.

George comes from money. That's how he can afford a library.

It's not just about money, though.

Ex-presidents get treated

with far more respect than ex-prime ministers.

They still get called 'Mr President' when they're out of office.

You should hear some of the things I get called.

You shouldn't listen to what people shout when they drive past.

No, this is kids! You know the O'Dare twins from down the street?

Oh.

I was walking past there this morning on my way to buy...

- What's this stuff? - Wood putty.

Wood putty.

And they were playing under the sprinkler,

and I said to them - politely, I thought -

that wasting water like that was irresponsible

and this is the driest continent on Earth,

and they said if I was so concerned about the environment,

I should have signed the UN convention when I had the chance.

They can't be more than five or six! I blame the ABC.

You should have destroyed that place when you had the chance.

Well, we've all tried, you hack away at the bloody thing

and it keeps coming back at you like some sort of crazed zombie,

and I'm not just talking about Barrie Cassidy.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

_

... all of this rubbish and shit.

Yes, indeed, Rita, it is a glorious day.

I mean, I didn't mind the Chaser boys.

Yes, they were annoying,

but at the end of the day, it was just harmless satire.

No-one's duco got ruined by egg.

Mmm, I miss them too.

Nearly scraped it all off, Mr Dugdale, sir.

Keep up the good work, Curtis.

You want to come and help me fix the chimney? The pot's come away.

Ah, I did want to talk to you about the girl.

Ah, yes. Has she gone through that box yet?

She has, but I think she suspects we might have forced it upon her

in order to create a falsely human impression of you.

She says she wants to go through the political stuff in your office.

You see, this is where a presidential library would come in handy.

It's off-site storage that doesn't cost me anything,

most of the stuff's archived, so no-one actually ever gets to see it.

Paul Keating talked his Bankstown high school into it.

Maybe get Henry to ring around my old alma maters,

see if there's any interest.

Didn't you take out a restraining order on her?

- That was Alma Cavendish. - Oh.

And also check with Myles to make sure he's keeping an eye on the girl,

see who she's talking to.

Actually, tell the entire staff to watch what they say in front of her.

Andrew, they're not idiots.

(SQUELCH!)

- I'll call a meeting. - Yeah.

Oh, do you want me to look after Catherine?

No, I'll have a talk to the family

as soon as I'm done with the chimney.

Yes, well, you know what they say about men over 50 and ladders.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the you you should be showing her:

the can-do, working family man of the people.

- Yeah? - You did a great job with the window.

And I saved myself 300 on a professional glazier.

What the fuck?

Mummy, have you seen my plane?

Shh, not now, sweetie. Mummy's eating.

(SMASH!)

Curtis!

Boss wants me to check you're keeping an eye on Ellen.

Jeez! You know, you should never sneak up on me like that.

I could have snapped your neck like a twig.

- Is that Stefan's plane? - Affirmative.

I'm retooling it into a drone, reconnaissance only.

I'm glad to hear it!

I don't think Stefan will be, though, or his mother.

I think it was rather expensive.

I commandeered it on the implied orders of Mr D.

This will give me complete access

to the airspace above the Dugdale compound.

24/7 bird's-eye view of all Dugdales all the time.

Next best thing to a spy satellite,

and much more comfortable than the old Ned Kelly unit over there.

(FLIES BUZZ)

Mrs D says if I want to get covered in rotten vegetables,

I can just stand on stage with the boss during one of his speeches.

Yes, well, when he told you to keep an eye on Ellen,

I don't think he was giving you black ops authorisation.

It's cool. This is all within my existing remit.

If the drone looks after the outside half

as well as this new system here scopes out the inside,

there won't be much going on around here that I don't know about.

See, there's Carol now, upstairs bathroom.

Just turned the taps on in the showers.

What do you call this system: the Norman Bates unit?

She's wearing a towel. Oh!

- Oh! - (SYSTEM BEEPS AND WHIRRS)

Definition on these new monitors is fantastic.

(SYSTEM BEEPS)

Stefan's up in his cupboard. Seems like he's searching for something.

Well, you should send his plane up to help him look.

Sunnyside: east wing corridor.

Oh, it's what the Secret Service used to call Ethel Kennedy.

Oh. Nice touch.

(HUMMING ON MONITOR)

And there's our girl now.

I wonder what she's up to.

- Oh, morning, Andrew. - Ah! What are you up to?

Well, I wouldn't mind following you around for the next couple of days.

Nothing too intrusive, just so I can get inside your brain.

Well, it sounds intrusive, being inside my brain.

Throw me a bone here, Andrew.

If I'm writing your autobiography, I need it to be in your voice.

- It needs to be authentic. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I would have thought you'd get an idea of my voice

from watching the television,

rather than actually having to inhabit my skull,

but, um... alright.

Well, speak to Sonny

and he'll let you know what I'm doing, speaking engagement-wise.

Well, I noticed on the fridge

it's Grandparents Day at Stefan's school tomorrow.

Yes? Yes! Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I really wanted to tag along on that one.

I think it'd be interesting to hear you explain

what it's like to be prime minister in obviously very simple terms.

Might give me one key to the many locks that comprise Andrew Dugdale.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, that's a nice idea.

Yes, indeed! Yes.

Well, you speak to Sonny and he'll make all the necessary arrangements.

Ta muchly. Oh, and do you know where Cath is?

I wouldn't mind interviewing her this morning.

- Cath? - Mrs Dugdale.

Oh, yes, sorry! Of course, Cath.

Um, yeah, well, I think she's probably down having breakfast.

- Rita's made congee. - Yummo!

- Mmm! - I thought Rita was Vietnamese.

Well, I make waffles occasionally. Does that make me Hungarian?

I guess not.

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - CATHERINE: Come.

- Hello, darling! - Oh, hello, darling.

I see these idiots are watering down your tax reform.

Are they? Oh. Damn them.

Look, I've just got a favour to ask.

Ellen might want to speak to you about the book today

and she may ask about our private life.

- What do you mean 'private life'? - Well, exactly.

And I don't think it's in either of our interests

if people get the impression that we're not... you know.

I'm not sleeping with you, Andrew,

just so you can put it in your memoirs.

No, I don't want you to do anything that you're uncomfortable with.

I just want you to lie to her.

So, power couple, I'm your rock, that sort of thing.

Of course, darling. Anything for you.

Right, thank you.

You can take the whole lot if you like.

No, no, no, it's OK. I'm not very hungry.

I had a persimmon off the tree.

No, silly, I mean take it down to the kitchen for me.

Those stairs are murder on my hip.

Oh, absolutely. Yes, sure. Happy to do it.

Oh, one more thing before I go.

Do you know anything about a Grandparents Day at the boy's school?

Yes, I do. Stefan's asked me to go along.

I have to give a little talk about what I do.

And what would that be, do you think, generally speaking?

I have plenty to talk about, Andrew.

All my charity work, organising fundraisers and dinners.

Oh! We also serve, who stand to one side, you know.

Yes, I know you're very, very busy, darling,

but it's just that I thought, well, given I was prime minister...

Stefan's only eight, darling.

I don't think he really understands what a prime minister is.

Carol says that to him, you're just the grandpa

that gets angry when he watches the television.

(LAUGHS) I guess she means the news.

Yes, although to be fair

I also get very angry watching Millionaire Hot Seat.

Well, at least he didn't ask Grandpa Jojo.

Well, he has got Alzheimer's.

Mind you, banging on for an hour

about flying to Neptune and wetting your pants

is more interesting than a lot of other jobs.

I'll be interesting.

I'm sure YOU'LL be interesting, yes. Yes, yes, yes, very interesting.

And at least he's keeping it in the family, isn't he?

- Well, I'm going now. Bye-bye. - Mmm.

- These aren't mine, are they? - No, they're Sonny's.

Oh.

I had them dry-cleaned. They were filthy.

You couldn't give them to him if you see him, could you, darling?

No, happy to do it, darling. I'm on my way. Bye-bye.

(TYPES)

Tuesday morning he's a guest at the HR Nicholls Society,

Tuesday afternoon he's at the Australia Institute,

and Tuesday evening he's on a plane to your home town

for a spot of after-dinner speaking at the America Club.

Of course, he'll have to have his own dinner on the flight.

- (PHONE BEEPS) - Why so many speaking engagements?

- Can't need the money. Look at this place. _

The only thing missing is the Sun King motif on the wall there.

He doesn't need the money. You wanna know why he does 'em?

And no, it's not because he loves the sound of his own voice.

There's another reason as well?

He does them so he can give part, if not all,

of his fee to one of his charities.

It's always been very important to Andrew to give back.

Right, and which charities does he support?

Ah, yeah, well, his accountant would have all that information.

I'm just his business manager, aren't I, Sonny?

Just.

Ah! Sonny, I need to win over my grandson. What's he like?

You mean what IS he like or what DOES he like?

Either. I almost had her there for a moment.

They turned out to be yours.

Oh, I was wondering what happened to them.

Rita spilled sticky rice wine all down them

at that morning tea of Catherine's last week.

Morning, Ellen.

Bugger to get out, that, sticky rice wine.

Hey, you're young! What sort of things do you like?

- How do you mean? - Well, you know, for a present.

Um, a pink Saffiano fold-away purse.

That sounds expensive.

He needs a new remote-control plane.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Perfect.

Much better suggestion than a purse. What a ridiculous idea!

Well, what would I know? I haven't been an eight-year-old boy in years.

Sonny, could you get Curtis to bring the car round, please?

- Where is Stefan? - He's in his cupboard.

- Can I come? - Yes. Yes, that's a very good idea.

This is real slice-of-life stuff.

This is a grandfather sharing a precious moment with his grandson.

You grab him out the cupboard, I'll meet you downstairs.

Ah, Curtis. Front door, car, you, now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Sonny, get onto the charlatan that masquerades as my business manager

and get him to offer my presidential library

to the school that Stefan goes to.

It's in the local electorate.

They probably got a whiteboard or something in the stimulus package.

Embarrass them into it.

They'll have to pick it up themselves, though,

'cause I'm not springing for haulage and it's gotta be tomorrow.

Well, you can tell him yourself, 'cause he's right there.

Oh, Henry. Um, hi. Did you get all that?

Yes, I did, yes. Thank you, Andrew.

Charlatan, archive boxes to grandchild's school,

they cover transport, ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow.

- What time? - What time was Catherine booked for?

11:30. What do you mean 'WAS booked for'?

Did you get that, Henry? Catherine's out, I'm in.

Oh, and get Myles to bring down those boxes from upstairs.

Righto, 11:30 it is. Do you want the press there?

- It never happened... - BOTH: If it's not on the news.

Bye, Henry.

You can't do that to Catherine.

She'll be terribly upset to think

her own husband had stabbed her in the back like that.

I mean, it's not a leadership challenge.

You're absolutely right, Sonny. Get Henry back.

Tell him to get the school to contact Catherine

and make as if it's their idea.

Keep my name out of this. I'm gonna need plausible denial on this one.

Why so long to bring the car round?! Was it unconscious?

Sorry, Mr Dugdale, sir. I had to put the wheels back on.

Where to today?

Hobby's Hobbitorium, corner of Flanders and Swine.

Mr D! Sonny told me you wanted me to take down some boxes.

Yeah, take down as in bring them down from upstairs, not shoot them.

Gotcha.

And when I say 'upstairs', I mean upstairs,

not that level in Call Of Duty: Black Ops.

Roger that.

The primary school should be picking them up later this afternoon.

Understood.

Oh, wait! Which boxes?

CURTIS: I used to look after Alexander Downer before the accident.

ELLEN: And what accident was that?

Well, Mr Downer and some of his friends

were out hunting roos on his property

and he accidentally shot me.

Nothing serious, fortunately.

Anyway, I had a metal plate inserted into my skull,

and because of the migraines and the blurred vision,

I was put on light duties driving Mr Dugdale.

He was a very junior backbencher then

and he lost his licence due to a drink-driving conviction.

Lovely man! And long story short... I been with him ever since.

Anything you want, boy. Anything you want.

- Hello. - It is you, isn't it?

Well, that depends.

My wife and I voted for you, Mr Dugdale, in every election.

You always went into bat for the small businessman,

and there are not many politicians you can say that about.

Well, thank you! That is very gratifying to hear.

My wife and I set up this shop

under your small business start-up initiative.

It was our big chance for us to work together,

doing something that we both loved.

Great! Good! Could you just hold that thought? This is good stuff.

Of course, we didn't really choose the right location

and interest rates have been crippling us,

and of course, that new lot rolled back

all the tax concessions that you promised.

Yeah, yeah, could you just go back to the beginning?

I wish I could.

If I had my time over again,

I wouldn't have sunk all our super into this place

and maybe my wife wouldn't have left me,

but I don't blame you for that, of course, Mr Dugdale.

As my ex-wife always used to say,

'Politicians are all the same! You can't trust any of them!'

- No offence. - No, no, none taken.

I mean, it's in your nature, isn't it?

Did you wanna see me about something?

Yes, yes, I just wanted to show you this wonderful old shop.

It'd be a bit more wonderful if we could turn a profit

in the economic climate his lot created, eh?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oh, is this what you want, boy?

Excellent, excellent!

Oh, nice choice, nice choice.

Actually, there isn't a cheaper one around, is there?

What's the problem, Grandpa? Don't you love me?

No! Of course I love you, boy! What, are you crazy?

No, I mean, really, would he ask me

to go speak at his school on Grandparents Day

if I didn't love him?

That's right, isn't it? Eh? Yeah, well, what price love, eh?

If you'd have come back next week to our closing down sale, of course,

all this would have been heavily discounted.

Oh, I don't suppose I could pay in advance

and get it for next week's sale price, could I?

No, you can't.

Thank you. There you go!

Thank you.

(METAL DETECTOR WHIRRS)

CATHERINE: I don't know why I'm letting it get to me so much.

The school just changed its mind, that's all.

Mrs D, if I had a dollar for every time the school changed its mind

about me moving up a grade, I'd have 4.

- Go away. - All clear here anyway, Mrs D.

Just about to do a check of the northern perimeter

and then head on up to the old watchtower.

The watchtower that's in my sunroom?

Shh. Not in front of civilians, Mrs D.

You understand what it's like, don't you, Rita?

To feel unloved and unappreciated.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

_

Exactly.

You there, glazier!

Fancy some of my banh xeo?

Oh, no, thanks, Mrs Dugdale. I've gotta get this done.

Oh, come on. There's plenty.

Well, maybe one.

Mmm. Quite an appetite.

Oh, cool! Every boy's dream, one of those.

(LAUGHS)

Oh! That's funny.

I thought Stefan already had a remote-controlled plane.

Do you mind if I have a go?

- Knock yourself out. - Cool.

Chocks away.

(PLANE DRONES)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

ANDREW: Hello, children.

I don't imagine many of your grandparents

have been prime minister.

- Is this you? - Hmm?

'D' Division netball 1972.

Yes, yes, yes. A supporter of women's sport even then.

I didn't know you went to this school. It's not in your CV.

It was only for a year. Dad moved around a lot.

- In the army. - No, he had worms.

Why are you wearing makeup?

I was the mascot. They made me up as a tiger.

- Was your father away a lot? - Ellen, I have to study my notes!

The stimulus package for this place didn't extend to teleprompters.

You were the one moving around a lot.

Nothing worse than a politician

giving an ill-prepared, halting speech

where he's floundering and grasping for words.

Explains a lot, that's all.

Tony Abbott's the exception. It's charming when he does it.

Absent father, mother's the authority figure.

No long-standing early friendships.

You got your honours degree in journalism, didn't you?

- Not psychoanalysis. - Oh, you checked up on me, did you?

Well, if you know the enemy and you know yourself,

you need never fear the result of 100 battles.

Oh, Sun Tzu, Art Of War.

No, Bartlett's Popular Quotations. Sonny looked it up for me.

I'm thinking of closing with it this afternoon.

What does Bartlett say

about the unexamined life not being worth living?

Look, I wouldn't worry too much about the child.

Stick to the man, Ellen.

If I wanted to be reduced to a Jungian archetype,

I would have got Bob Ellis to write the book.

Are you wearing a skirt here?

- Just stick to the facts. - I would if you'd give me any.

Andrew. Ah!

- Principal Felicia Brooks. - Ah, Principal Brooks.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, ex-Prime Minister.

The Federal Government's commitment to Gonski

means we now have half as many teachers and we're all doubling up.

Not with laughter, I imagine.

Oh, and congratulations to your archivers, Ms Brooks.

Very impressive,

being able to assemble the prime ministerial library so quickly,

although I appreciate that not everything can be on display.

Well, it was only the one box.

Are we ready? - Absolutely! Yes, yes, yes.

- How do I look? - Never better.

Could do with some tiger makeup.

You got flecks of foam in the corner of your mouth.

- (CHILDREN CHATTER) - Thank you very much.

- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Everybody, hello.

- Remind me to sack Myles. - I'll make a note of it.

- (MODEL PLANE DRONES) - What was that?!

Oh, we got a bogey at 11:45. Time to scramble.

And so, in this country, anyway,

a prime minister is a man, or briefly, a woman,

who, like your own Ms Brooks here,

is in charge of how things work and who does what job and when and how.

The only difference is Ms Brooks has been appointed

by the State Education Department

and not as a result of some vicious political dogfight.

(LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY) Yes?

What's a dogfight?

(MODEL PLANES DRONE)

Shouldn't you be finishing that glazing?

It's all done, Mrs Dugdale. Just waiting for the wood putty to set.

(LAUGHS) Oh, get out.

What the fuck?!

Are you trying to kill me?!

Carol, you're in shock. Now, the best thing for that is an ice bath.

Get off me! Oh, no, she's convulsing.

She's convulsing! Rita, get a spoon! Rita, get a spoon!

Mum! He's doing it again!

Shh, shh, shh! You need body warmth to calm you down.

'Well, Edward was really enjoying the day

till he overheard someone behind the fence say,

'The seals are always amusing, it's true,

but the lions are the best things to see at the zoo.'

(MOBILE PHONE BUZZES)

Catherine?

What's happened?

'... anybody can tell, so tomorrow I'll just be a lion as well.'

The next morning at nine, when they opened the zoo,

the lions were roaring and Edward was too.

He snarled at the ladies, he growled at the men.

- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Life was certainly grim.

Look, lady, I don't give a shit who your husband was.

You can't expect the warranty to cover something like this.

- But you were flying the plane. - Yeah, with your permission.

Yeah, it was on your authority, Mrs D. It was your mission...

Oh, shut up, Myles, and just land the fucking thing!

No can do, Mrs D.

She's taken a hit on the starboard wing and is non-responsive -

- I repeat, non-responsive! - For Christ's sake, give it to me!

(BOOM!)

(COCKATOOS SQUAWK)

STEFAN: He curls up casually around of a tree.

(MOBILE PHONE BUZZES)

(SIGHS) Yes?

Well, Edward was just warming up...

(SIGHS)

... overheard one of the visitors say,

'The snakes are pleasant, I know it's true.

The emus by far are the best thing at the zoo.'

'The emu,' gasped Edward. 'My goodness, that's me.

I'm the thing that gentleman most likes to see.

Not the seals, not the lions, not the snakes... '

(HISSES)

'It's Edward the Emu.'

So, that night when the zookeeper went home...

Well, Ms Brooks, class, I'm afraid I have to go.

Small crisis.

Stefan, lovely spending some quality time with you.

Curtis will drive you home.

Curtis, you're on.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Alright, kids, what do you wanna know?

CURTIS: I've never gotten up and spoken

in front of an audience before in my life,

and I wasn't sure I'd be any good,

but those three hours just seemed to fly by.

I had a great time.

I think the kids did too.

I wasn't able to debrief with them after my lecture

because the principal said I had to leave.

I said, 'I have to debrief the children, '

and she's like, 'What?'

And I'm like, 'They need to be debriefed immediately.'

And she says, 'No, you have to leave the school property immediately.'

ELLEN: What did you talk about?

Mainly the plate in my head.

They all wanted to see it.

You should have heard the squeals when I showed it to them.

- Here we go. - (CHILDREN SCREAM)

Yeah! Pretty good, eh?

CURTIS: I don't think Mr Dugdale would mind me saying

that as far as young children are concerned,

he has a very similar attitude to the late Michael Jackson.

They are our future.

- I've called the police! - ELLEN: Yeah, we'd better go.

- Come on, we better go. - What?

We gotta go, go, go, go, go, go!

You know, it's pointless rebuilding this thing

'cause you can't use chimneys these days 'cause of global warming.

Just 'cause something's past its use-by date,

doesn't mean it can't have a decorative function.

True.

You mind if I get a picture of you next to it for the book?

Sure, sure. You can caption it 'The Freedom Chimney'.

(LAUGHS) Very tasteful.

Yeah, yeah, although that'd make this roof ground zero

and I don't think you can call a roof ground zero, can you?

Uh, I don't know about 9/11 jokes.

- What, too soon? - Might hurt American sales.

Well, I don't want to hurt sales, do I? Oh!

Arggh!

Must have hit the non-metal side.

ELLEN: Lots of colourful tools on the wall.

Oh, you like those, do you?

Yeah, they're my beauties.

Did you wanna see some of them?

This here I thought was just a blowtorch. I bought that on eBay.

I still don't actually realise what the function of it is.

This here is a... is a file,

and you know, you can use it for several different things,

but I generally just have really bad nails.

I usually just keep them up to date,

but you can shiv.

I like to craft a lot, so I've got them for cardboard.

Well, Mum gave me that from her pottery class, so...

And so in your professional opinion,

how violent is the world we live in?

Oh, you have no idea, Helen. No idea whatsoever.

- Ellen. - I think I'll take Mr D's word on it.

The world can be quite dangerous, you know?

I mean, I've seen some pretty bad stuff, growing up,

and that's sort of what got me into this role.

So, you grew up on the streets?

No, Perth.

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