All language subtitles for Fantasmas.S01E05

No one will biopsy my mole,

so I need to upload
myself so I don't die,

but even they require
Proof of Existence,

which I don't want to get,

so instead, I have to become
an exception by being famous.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Hey, how are you?

Okay, so I have an idea

that I'm sure will
make me an exception.

Do you wanna hear it?

- I'm in a meeting.
- Okay.

A couple of years ago,
during a really harsh winter,

a dolphin got stuck in a
canal in South Brooklyn.

Uh-huh.

It got trapped and
everyone could see it.

But the environmental
laws meant to protect it

stated that no one could help
it without the proper permit.

Long story short,
it ended up dying.

And, well, I guess
that's where this fun

family movie would end.

What do you think?

Hello? Hello?

Hello, are you there?
Do you like it?

What do you think?

What about something
about your story?

That's my story
through metaphor.

No, babe, no metaphors.

Just big, sad speeches.

Call it... Gaytino.

Vanesja, Gaytinx.

Listen, do the credit
card commercial,

get what you need out
of it, and move on.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Roll playback on beach.

And action.

Julio. Hi.

So imagine you're on the
beach and you're happy.

On the beach and you're happy.

Jesus.

His mouth is so tense.

And it's like, you
know, I don't get it.

Does he not love credit cards?

It's a safe and convenient
way to earn miles.

I mean, that's the
brief. It's not... okay.

Julio, can we get a smile?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Less teeth. Like, uh...

Okay, can you bring
in the green tape?

Amazing. Thank you.

Hi again. Um, do you...

Perfect.

Yes. That. No, it's like, joy.

Julio, your eyes
are so, so fantastic

and energized and expressive.

You know, we just wanna
green screen something

that'll match that energy.

From the top.

You are on the beach
and you are very happy.

Hold it a little higher.

Yes, great.

Like you're almost surprised.

Like money.

Stunning.

Great.

Incredible.

Many kind regards
for this check in.

Yeah, hi, Pirulinpinpina.

I... ooh, wasn't
expecting you to be slimy.

As manager of your socials,
it is very important

communications goes
backwards and forwards.

Okay, I wanted to talk
to you about this post

that you made on my behalf.

To grow followers
and increase wealth!

Sure.

It's a picture of me
sleeping and it says,

"Let's get this mondais right."

It was posted
Wednesday at 3:00 a.m.

OK! Apologies for
incident! Can-do quick fix!

Okay, I guess I just
don't understand

what the point of
that picture is.

Did you just post this?

Yes, all correct this
time. Pirulinpinpina!

"Many apologies for
earlier mispost.

"A grave error on my
part, as eyes were closed.

"Please forgive.

"Let's get this Monday right.

It's Friday, eight
twenty too pm."

Pirulinpinpina, this doesn't
sound like me at all.

Pirulinpinpina?

Kindly do not use TONE at me.

I'm not using tone with you.

Don't use tone with her.

I wasn't. I wasn't using tone.

- Jesus.
- Is Lord.

Amen!

Vanesja, are you sure
this is gonna make me

an exception to Proof?

I'm not sure about this,

but I have high hopes
for the commercial.

Hold on.

Another client needs me.

Hello, my dark star.

I have some big, bad news.

The poster for "Cunty
Little Rich Kids" came out.

They went with the
picture you don't like,

and the airline
mishandled your luggage,

so you'll have to wear
something of mine.

Oh.

Wow.

Red suits you.

Yeah, everything suits me.

Dustin, what's going on in
that little head of yours?

I don't know.

Share.

I just feel like the
world is so fucked up.

I've been on this show for,
like, 15 fucking seasons

and, yeah, I make a
shit-ton of money, right?

And I've got a house
in Bali, PlayStation.

It all kicks ass.

But like, for what?

You want another PlayStation?

Yeah, if we could get that
going, that'd be... no, no, no.

Damn it.

I took the subway yesterday.

Dustin, why?

'Cause I don't
wanna be in a car.

I wanna be out in the world.

I wanna be living
and experiencing.

Anyway, the train was,
like, super delayed,

and I started talking
to this homeless man.

I said, hey, what's your name?

I'm Dustin.

And he said he had
to take a shit,

and he said he couldn't,
and I asked him why.

And he told me that he'd
have to exit the station

in order to do that.

And re-entering, he'd have
to pay money, and he can't.

And, like, in that
moment, I like,

went into my, like,
empathic trance.

And so I was just
in his shoes...

Seeing his perspective.

It was like...

You know. And, like, I saw it.

I saw it from his point of view.

The world's not fucking fair.

And that's just one dude.

There's so many like him.

And what am I doing?

I should help.

'Cause why else... why
else am I an artist

if not to make the
world a better place?

We can use this.

We can do an interview

with "Teen Vogue."

"Teen Vogue." I'm
fucking 39 years old!

The fuck.

Don't share that.

You don't even get it.

You're just a suit.

Big, corporate,
powerful suit lady.

You don't care about
the problems of people.

The next L train will
arrive in 178 minutes.

Fuck my life.

I hate New York.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It's my roommate. Don't look.

Oh, like, one of
the little ones?

Yeah.

Vibes bad?

Oh, my God.

I didn't tell you what happened.

Mm-mm.

Okay, so at first,

things were pretty chill, right?

Yeah.

When she moved in, she
said she had some cousins

that were gonna come.

Not cousins.

Nothing's ever good
when they bring cousins.

- And could they stay with us?
- Ew.

They're really nice!
You'll love them!

And I was like,
yeah, okay, whatever.

I mean, you're so
tiny. Who cares, right?

Right.

So they come, and there's
like nine of them.

Again, no big deal.

Right, 'cause they're so small.

Right. And I don't
know, I figured

they're gonna go see
the Statue of Liberty,

- be out and about, whatever.
- Sure.

But then one night
they're like, hey,

what should we do tomorrow?

And I'm like, have you
ever been to the Met?

And they're like...

Kindly suggest something else.
That is against religion.

Wait, what?

I don't know, they're like,

strangely Christian,
like, evangelist.

I don't know, whatever.

It's annoying, but I
figure they'll go soon.

Oh, also, they're
obsessed with pizza?

What, do they, like,
eat your pizza?

Not like that, no.

It's like I bring pizza home,

and they run out
with little cameras

and take pictures of the pizza.

Pizza! Pizza!

Oh my god, pizza!!

Pizza! Yay pizza!!

Take a picture! Pizza!

That's horrifying.

Anyway, later,

Pirulinpinpina's like,
hey, can they move in?

- No.
- Yeah.

She's so freaking tacky.

And I'm like, what? Right?

And she's like...

But your rent will go down!

We take up no space!

So I'm kind of like,
yeah, okay, whatever.

But what I didn't know is
that they, uh, multiply.

Do they, like, reproduce?

It's not a sex thing.

It's just like,
more of them arrive.

So anyway, now there's,
like, 50 of them.

- 50?
- Yeah.

There's 50?

Faster! Faster!

Hoorayyyy!!!

Weeeeeee!

Take us into the living room!!

And some of them are gay.

Living for that.

Yeah, it's, like,
impossible to get on Grindr

because the whole
grid is little ones.

Anyway, one night I'm doing
my go-go shift at Metro.

And I see the
cutie from the gym.

Ooh, the one with the big lips?

- Mm-hmm.
- He's cute.

Mm-hmm. And I'm
making eyes at him.

He's making eyes at me.
We're, like, vibing, right?

Mm-hmm.

So I invite him home.

Can I get you anything?

I'm starving.

We should have
grabbed some pizza.

Pizza?

Pizza! Pizza!

Who are these?

These are the little ones.
They're my roommates.

Uh, they're from Wisconsin.

They love pizza.

Pizza?

Guys, come on. I got company.

- TV!
- Oh, shit.

You guys watch "True
Women of New York"?

Guys, come on.

So at this point, we're
having, like, a little party,

like drinks, whatever.

So I decided to take this
time to go and douche.

- Douche for that guy?
- Yeah.

Okay, not the vibes I
was getting, but work.

So anyway, I'm in the
bathroom for a while,

and the party's still going on
outside, so it's no big deal.

But then I hear the party
stop, so I go outside.

Diego?

Diego?

Oh, I see.

Mm. Pizza.

I walk into the master bedroom.

Diego?

Were they, like...

Hey.

I don't even wanna tell you,
but he's like, come here.

What did you say?

I'm good.

I'm gonna be in the living room.

Call them out on their bullshit.

Yeah, okay. You're right.

Did you say, hey, don't
fuck the guys I bring home?

Yeah.

So what did you say?

Pizza, pizza.

Pizza! Pizza!

No. No.

But we haven't seen
pizza in weeks! Please???

Look, I feel like
some of you think

that because we share a space

that maybe I'm down
to share everything.

And I guess normally
that's true.

It's just that
I... I don't know.

It hurts my feelings to feel so
invisible among you sometimes.

And I don't want the
vibe to be toxic.

And, you know, I don't
want you guys to feel like

it isn't your safe space,

because it's also my safe space,

and I wanna be able to share,
but I can't share everything.

I don't know. I hope
that makes sense.

Are we good?

Babe.

Wait, did you guys get tickets?

Can I still get some?

I'll ask them to list you.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Yeah, I know.
Let's take a cab.

- Come on.
- Bye, Diego.

Next up, Gina and Bibo.

And you'll do a scene
from "Marriage Story."

"Marriage Story," yes.

- Could I get a minute?
- Yeah, take your time.

Okay.

Your hair is fine, Gina.

You always hated me.

That's not true, dot, dot, dot.

That was never true, dot.

What are you talking
about, question mark.

You are my wife, dot.

Okay, let's stop.

I'm sorry, did you have a note?

Um.

What's the feedback?

I just see robot.

I see a robot pretending
to love this woman.

And because you are
giving nothing but robot,

you are forcing her to overact.

Is everything okay?

- See you later, Bibo.
- Bibo.

Bibo.

Do you know about the dress?

The 2017 viral image
featuring a dress

that was blue and black to some,

- white and gold to others.
- Yes.

The dress isn't one thing
and then another thing.

The dress can be more
than one thing at once.

You can be a robot and an actor.

Maybe just use your
robotness to be...

an actor.

It's grown. It's
definitely grown.

I bet WebMD is gonna
be really comforting.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, good, good,
good, good, good.

I bet I'm gonna have
this online doctor's

undivided attention.

What is it?

Fuck.

Um, it looks fine.

Hey, lady, you can't
be doing that here.

Get up. Come on.

- Gotta get up.
- No.

Fuck.

I pressed the wrong thing.

Whatever. It's just a biopsy.

Oh, Jesus, a scalpel.
Okay, it's gonna hurt.

Please, I'm working on getting
an exception for Proof,

but I don't know that
I have a lot of time.

My doctor's actually worried,
and he ordered a biopsy.

Well, not the doctor,
but the person on the app

who I think are technically
doctors, and I, um...

What's that sound?

What's this?

This shipwreck on a reef
encrusted with little oysters?

It's missing an oyster.

Yeah, it's an old
family heirloom.

Priceless, but worthless
without that missing piece.

I think I know where it is.

If I bring it to you, do you
think you could upload me?

We could pay off Dad's
bills with that money.

- All of them?
- Yeah.

Fine.

You bring the oyster,
you don't need the Proof.

Great. How hard can it be?

To find a tiny mini...

Tabitha, those
books are forbidden.

- Hey, slut.
- Not this green wig.

It's not a wig. It's natural.

I'm dead. You're an
icon and I love you.

Mwah, mwah.

Meet my friends.
Meet my friends.

It's Tyler, Ryan,
Ryan, and Jason.

Do you want a drink, babe?

Yeah. You know what I like.

Okey dokey.

Unlock the power of natural...

Ugh, someone made a fake
profile of me again.

Well, that's how you
know that you've made it.

That happens to me all the time.

Oh, are you, like, an
actor or something?

I'm like an actor, yeah.

Yeah, Trish is a whole thing.

What have you been in?

"That Time We Were
There" on Amazon,

"Summer's Only Once
a Year" on Netflix,

"The Tooth Fairy"
remake on Zappos.

- Lots of stuff.
- I'll have to check it out.

Hi, Emily. Luis here.

Here's the fan art
you commissioned.

Always available
if you want more.

Thanks, Luis.

Kindly, Emily, manager
and publicist for Trish.

Trish's number one fan here.

Check out this piece I
made in honor of my muse.

And I admire that
because it's a lifestyle.

Wow.

Always so surprised
and honored by my fans.

My life is so crazy.

I can't believe I inspire
real fans unprompted

to make fan art of me.

Oh, my God, Trish, the
thing you just reposted.

Let me see.

"The Glenda we all deserve."

Shots fired.

- Who made that?
- @TrishFanboy.

Trish is so famous,
she has fan accounts.

Well, diamonds are a
girl's best friend.

Yeah, if they're real.

She's so stupid.

Yeah, she's stupid.

Ugh, I wanna go there.

That's my dream place.

I've been there.

- Gay icon.
- Gagging for my queen.

Slay.

Oh, my God, Trish is so iconic.

Honey, the queen has arrived.

Hey, @TrishFanboy, this is Luis.

I was commissioned
by Trish's team

to make this art for a charity.

Please tag me
whenever you repost.

Thanks.

Hi, Luis, Emily again.

You are not allowed to
promote your services

using the work we
commissioned from you.

Those were for charity.

Unfortunately, we
will not be able

to compensate you
for this piece.

I can't think about
this right now.

I've got a lunch tomorrow
with some of the city's

biggest movers and shakers.

Last night I was thinking...

What charity?

They're only posted by
some random fan account.

Wait, is she the fan account?

To eavesdrop on personal,
private conversation

between friends.

Wait, so she paid
for her own fan art?

Yeah, and I have receipts.

Bitch.

Oh, my God.

OMG, Trish, you missed it.

Rewind for Trish.

Hey, rewind it.

Derrick, it's live.

You can keep blocking me,

but I'll just keep
making new accounts.

Have you guys ever
had an online stalker?

Is someone stalking you?

Oh, no, not me. I'm
helping a friend out.

He has this, like,
crazy guy that

keeps making fake accounts.

Some homophobic psycho.

That's so nice of
you to help him out.

I mean, he could just
make his account private.

No, he wants to be seen.

How do you get them to
stop making new accounts?

I don't think you can.

It's so toxic.

Wait, is she
blocking people now?

Hey, Luis, DM me.

I knew it. This girl
isn't even famous.

Is she serious?

This is actually...

Hey, Derrick, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure.

BRB.

Let me know what happens.

You okay? What's up?

I need you to help me block
someone, like, permanently.

This is for your friend?

Yeah, I need you to ask Jeremy.

- Jeremy?
- Your fucking boyfriend?

- He works at Facebook now.
- Uh-huh.

I need him to block them.
They keep making accounts.

I need to block them from, like,

their IP address or something.
I don't fucking know.

What is this about?

- I'm this.
- Uh-huh.

No, listen, I'm the fan account.

- You drew this?
- No.

- My manager commissioned it.
- Why?

She fucked up.

She found this guy
on I don't know where

to make a fan art of
me for the fan account.

So this fan account
is run by you?

Everyone does it.
Everyone does.

I'm iconic. Look at
me. I'm a whole thing.

But this is not a real fan.

But the art inspires
a lot of people.

To make art of you?

Yes, but now the artist
is telling people.

Now people know.

But not if we
permanently block him.

- Who made this?
- Some kid.

I don't know. Emily found him.

- Emily?
- My fucking manager.

She keeps doing this.

She's obsessed.

She wants to "Single
White Female" me.

Emily what?

What if all the gays turn on me?

- Emily what?
- What?

What is your
manager's last name?

Oh. Trish.

And the Red Nose Day issue?

The GoFundMe for that kid?

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

No one is posting
fake photos of you.

No one's catfishing as you.

Baby, are you on crack?

What is wrong with
you? You're not famous.

You're paying people
to make fan art of you.

I'm dead. I'm literally
freaking dead.

I'm iconic.

I'm... I'm iconic.

Iconic.

Everyone's obsessed with me.

Everyone's obsessed
because I'm iconic.

Thanks.

The next L train will
arrive in 248 minutes.

Hey, I'm worried about
Derrick's drinking.

He was really
sloppy when I left.

He could have
really hurt himself.

Martine.

Martine!

Oh, my God.

God, you didn't hear me?

I was just calling your
name, like, three times.

What... gosh. Oh.

Are you still in performance?

What was it? Um...
Vanessa, right?

Vanesja with a J.
Like the hotels.

Sure. Right. Gosh.

You took my course years ago.

You know, I was so
riveted when I heard

you were so committed
to your thesis.

But some people are like,
oh, yeah, no, I don't think

she's in performance anymore.

I think she's
genuinely an agent.

But that's not true, is it?

Huh.

You're not prolonging
your performance piece

'cause you're scared of
graduating with an arts degree

and not having
money or insurance

or qualifying for Proof
of Existence, right?

I mean, you're not
having your cake

and eating it too, are you?

- I have to go.
- Sure.

Yeah, I have a very
important cli... client.

- Client.
- Waiting.

Sure.

Very nice.

You know, Vanesja,
like the hotels,

the job of the artist
is to make people

see things in a different way.

How does this performance
change anything?

Just something for you
to go home and munch on.

All right?

I'm not gonna wait
for the bus anymore.

I think I'm gonna walk.

You can't even walk in
those shoes, can you?

You're weak. You're weak.

Excuse me.

I should help.

Why else am I an artist

if not to make the
world a better place?

Hey, babe?

Hey. Hi.

Sorry, I'm... I'm sort of
in the middle of something.

I... I finally got a biopsy,

and the, uh, the... the
doctor seems kind of worried.

Aw, listen, I think
we're gonna have to find

another way to get
you an exception.

Wait, why?

Well, it's just, you look
amazing in the photo,

but, um...

it's just not your face.

So I think our only option
now is to pitch Zappos

that idea of yours.

You know, the how I...

No, no. There is no way.

I will not be selling
out. Thank you.

Hello.

I hear you have an
idea for a show for us.

I do, and I am very excited

to be sharing it with you today.

Okay, so remakes are
very in right now, right?

Right, right, right.
Okay, give it to me.

Feed me. Feed Susana.

Okay, so how about a
remake of "The Lion King"?

Uh, this remake stars a zebra,
just, like, a random zebra

that otherwise
would be considered

an extra in the movie.

But this zebra is like, wait,
why are lions our leaders?

Who elected them the leaders?

Why do we have to bow down to
them and get eaten by them?

So then the zebra
leads the revolution,

but then the zebra does
end up getting eaten.

But as the zebra lays dying,
looking up into the heavens

with, like, maybe, like,
the sun reflected on his eye

and thinking, well, you
know, at least I tried.

Ugh! Cut the bullshit.

- Hmm?
- Huh?

Cut the bullshit.

You know what we want,
and we know what you want.

You need a little piece of
paper that says you don't need

another little piece of paper.

If you don't sell a show,

you don't get exception
from Proof of Existence,

and you don't get
to upload yourself.

That's right.

I got your medical records.

Zappos level intel.

I know you're expecting bad
news, and selling a show

is the only way to
become incorporeal,

given that your little oyster
is at the bottom of the sea.

So let's quit
playing games, huh?

Grow up. Give us what we want.

Give us your trauma.

Give it to us funny.

Give it to us en
espanol, por favor.

Okay, well, I do have an
idea in case of emergency.

Mm-hmm. Yes?

I was hoping I would
never have to use.

Mm-hmm. Say it.

It's a script titled...

Well, say it.

That's a show.

Okay.