Original subtitles

WHIRRING

UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER

Professor Clark, launch the translator. Yes, General.

Visitors, we are humans

and we offer peace.

TRANSLATOR: We come in peace.

We wish to know about...

Why are you a different colour to the other ones?

Sorry? You are darker than the other ones. Why?

That's just how it is on Earth. We have lots of different races.

And you are all cool with each other?

Yeah, we're cool with each other, for the most part.

Now more than ever.

But there was this one thing in the past, but... A thing?

Did they turn you into slaves?

Yeah, they did.

Fuck, dude, I was joking.

Aren't you pissed with them?

It was a long time ago.

So everything is fine now, right?

Not fine, fine, but it's not as bad as in America, you know?

Why?

What is the deal in America?

Sometimes, the dark humans get shot and killed

by the light humans who are supposed to be looking after them.

Holy shit, this planet is fucked.

Let's go back to that green planet.

Let's give them the secret to eternal life.

Look, we're all friends now. Look. I promise.

Come on!

Humans, sort your shit out.

Please, we're trying!

We're trying!

Me n'affi ask weh dem put up dem hands for

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer 21, watch 'ya

Rumble in di jungle, step to dis, you're sure to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

B-B-B-B-Bitch, I'm Idris Elba

I'm Idris Elba I'm Idris Elba

I'm Idris Elba

B-B-B-B-B-B...

Barista wanted. Right? I'm your man.

OK, and how much experience do you have? None at all.

Well, what makes you think that you can be a...?

We're wasting time here, Mr Coffee Shop.

I'll tell you why I know I'm an excellent barista.

I'm Idris Elba. B-B-B-B-B...

I'm an actor, writer, director,

DJ, influencer, producer, rapper, comedian, kick boxer,

so I'm pretty sure I can make little frothy coffees, all right?

You be the customer, I'll be Idris Elba.

Bitch, I'm Idris Elba I'm Idris Elba

I'm Idris Elba I'm Idris Elba

B-B-B-B-B Bitch... Drink it.

Drink it!

It kind of tastes like coffee. Exactly.

Now fuck off. Let me make you some banana bread.

MOZART PLAYS HARPSICHORD

Mozart.

Big Mo!

Salieri, buddy, how goes it?

Mate, I was just wondering...

..was you invited to the ambassador's...

MUSIC STOPS

Sorry.

He's overrated.

MOZART PLAYS 21 SECONDS BY SO SOLID CREW

Fuck me, that's a banger!

I got 21 seconds to go I got 21 seconds to go

If you like me, let me know Check out my arpeggio

I got 21 seconds before I got to go

21 seconds Ta-ta-ta...

HE LAUGHS

Baby girl, what you look 'pon?

Baby girl, what you look 'pon?

Baby girl, what you look 'pon?

Baby girl, what you look 'pon?

You're just like sunshine through my window when there's cloud

It would be an understatement to say you make me proud

Cos you're my number one Two, three, four

And my number...

Hey!

What you look 'pon?

Me said what you look 'pon, yout'?

You look 'pon my baby girl, I think?

You want to try woo her with that little flower?

Give me the flower!

Nobody wants your flower!

Where you from? You African?

You look like one of them African yout', dem.

Come back here when you have some money in your back pocket

and some hair on your balls, all right?

You have to be a hengineer or a hastronaut

or something like that or the other.

Let's go. We can't deal with this any more.

Come. We're going to get you a future dance hall artist.

Girl, what you look 'pon?

So, what, you need to start at the beginning? That's my thinking, bruv.

I swear that's your ex.

What, you going to talk to her? Brother, link me, yeah?

Bless.

Oh, Tom's friend.

Erm, yeah. Hey.

What are you saying though? What are you saying?

Oi!

What the fuck, man?

Hey, what's up, man?

I am I, Babatunda Warrington and this is my current accommodation.

Come on, enter.

Off your shoes!

This week, international movie film superstar Babatunda Warrington

shows us his cribs.

Coordination.

All right, guys.

You know how it goes, this is my kitchen, the eating area,

and this is where me and my boys, we like to hang out, you know.

What's up, boys? What's the matter?

Bro! Wheeey!

Come on. The camera is here.

Wheeey!

You see the boys, they have the outstanding warrants,

so is it OK if we can obstruct their faces?

Yes, Babatunda, sir.

Yeah? Yeah. All right, the boys are OK. All right.

Oops.

Condom.

Big dick.

Erm, this is bear.

There was a day in Ghana where this bear was terrorising

the woman and children, trying to take their egg,

so I had to kill it

and I beat it to death with these bare hands.

He died.

I also kick this thing to death.

I swear.

This is the area where I keep all of my condominiums and lubrications.

You know, me myself, I like to be lubed at all times.

Just in case.

Ooh.

Nugget.

Employee of the month.

Two Babas for the price of one.

All right, guys, you've got to go, man.

No, seriously, get away from my fucking land.

Give me that footage. You cannot do me

the way Stacey Dooley and Martin Bashir did me.

Are you paparazzi? You're paparazzi. Out!

So, the marginal cost will likely trend down initially

in the first few months because as quantity increases,

each incremental unit will likely benefit from...

WHOOSHING

Is everything all right?

Yeah. Erm, sorry.

So, as I was saying, coordination costs will eventually ...

WHOOSHING

Something's changed.

What?

BEEPING

Hello. Hi.

You must be new. Yeah, first day.

Cool.

See you around. Yeah, see you.

WHOOSHING

BOTH: There's a new black guy in accounts!

Move!

BEEPING

All right, if you want to go home, just relax.

Just tell him... World star!

All right, all right. Move along, please. World star!

All right, calm down, please, lads. Don't tell me to calm down, oink.

About, bacon telling me calm down. This is going on Instagram Live.

Oh, yeah? How many followers you got, then? 153,000, cuz.

153,000? Well, I'll tell you what you and your 153,000 followers

can do, sunshine.

You can all follow me on my Instagram channel

because I've got better tings on there.

It's a mixture of, like, characters and I do, like, comedy sketches

and basically me being me.

I've got this one sketch and it's, like, this African Uber driver

and he's like, "Meh, why is everybody always asking me

"about the aux cable? I don't even know what the aux cable is."

But that's just one of the characters.

And I've got another character

and it's basically an African grandma sort of thing.

"Meh, why is everybody always asking me about the Wi-Fi?

"I don't even know what the Wi-Fi is."

Fucking...! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Aargh! My neck! My neck!

Officer down!

I didn't give you my at. It's @funnygirl91.

Officer down!

B-B-B-B-B...

I'm Idris Elba. I'm fucking Idris...

What's this all about, then?

Sorry, how did you get in here?

I'm Idris Elba.

I goes where I goes.

Well, this is a cancer research centre.

We're trying to cure cancer. Trying? Pffft!

Move over, then.

That's fucking shit. Sorry, are you even a doctor?

No, I'm Idris Elba.

B-B-B-B-B...

I'm a director, DJ, producer

and I'm a cat.

So I'm pretty sure I can cure one or two deadly illnesses.

Where's the Bunsen burner?

SIRENS WAIL

Right, get that down you.

But... Drink it!

Right, so how is that cancer of yours doing, then?

But I don't have cancer.

Fuck me, I'm amazing!

Ha!

Big 'Dris.

Ha-ha, fucking Idris.

Ba-da-by ba-da-bo ba-da-cee-bo-gree,

this is black British TV history

from a man like me, Scribbler P.

So recently I discovered bare TV shows have been doing blackface.

I never knew! I just thought they were tanned.

I'm glad Twitter brought it to my attention though

otherwise I'd have nothing new to be outraged about!

Not going to lie, though,

Bo' Selecta! was odd.

Hey, Lee Francis, you've got nuttin' to cry about, yeah?

But why do blackface when there's no shortage of

home-grown black talent to choose from?

Lenny Henry,

Lenny Henry, Lenny Hen...

Yo, no, whoa.

Lenny, that's...yellowface, cuz, we don't do that.

Some breakthrough roles included appearances on...Crimewatch.

Rah, swear that's my Uncle Errol.

But then we had news reporters,

children's TV presenters

and sitcoms that offered up

a nuanced look at life in multicultural Britain.

Eesh, tell you what, just run another Lenny Henry clip.

Oooo-kay!

Ba-da-by ba-da-bo ba-da-cee-wo-gree,

that's black British TV history,

from a man like me, Scribbler P-P-P.

Gentlemen, you're probably all wondering

why you're gathered here today.

The thing is, the 25th of July is my birthday.

ALL: Happy birthday, boss.

Thank you, that is so kind,

but you know what? My birthday was three days ago!

You want to know what I did on my birthday? Yeah. Sure thing, boss.

Take a look at this.

Shoop-shoop-shoop Shoop-shoop-be-do-be-doop

Shoop-shoop-shoop Shoop-shoop-be-do-be-doop

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

There I am. My own mother had to take the pictures!

Boss, I kind of wish you would have told us, you know?

I did!

I invited you all on Facebook.

I made a group specifically for the occasion.

Yous clicked that you were interested.

Some of you, Carlo, clicked that you would definitely be there.

I...I...just...

I...I...I...I...I...I...I... I...I...I...I...I...

But, boss, nobody uses Facebook any more.

You know, Instagram, TikTok... TikTok's fucking great.

That's what's in right now. You know what?

That's an easy mistake to make, you know?

You've got so many apps these days. Just sing happy birthday to me now.

Sing it right now and we'll be all good, we'll be square.

Just sing it right now. Sing happy birthday.

Go ahead!

Erm...erm...

ALL: Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy...

Celebrate life with me now, you rat bastards!

Shoop-shoop-shoop Shoop-shoop-be-do-be-doop

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

DOG BARKS

CHILDREN SCREAM

POP MUSIC BLASTS

Presenting the number one female recording artist of Uganda,

Yemicheda!

Nkechi jolof

I know you like my beans Eh, you like my beans

I know that she give you fufu...

People of...

Middlesbrough.

..people of Middlesbraya,

I, Yemicheda,

have come to adopt one of your impoverished children.

No time for tumbum tumbum

Umakade jumbum jumbum

Oya now tumbum tumbum No time for tumbum

Se na my lovin' you want...

Look at this one!

So cute.

Come with me. There you go.

I am your new mum, OK?

Look at your new mum. Smile at her.

Cheeks in. Cheeks in, darling.

Say, "Mummy, I love you." Mummy, I love you.

Oh, darling, you said that so beautifully. Get in the car.

The number one recording artist.

My people, behold -

the devil!

Yes, that is right.

Our brother Kevin here

has been complaining about a pain...

..in his ankle,

so this can only mean one thing.

He is possessed by Lucifer himself!

So I say unto you, Devil...

..out!

Be gone.

Get out of Kevin's body, Devil!

Be gone from Kevin, I say!

Be gone!

Foolish mortal!

I am going to fuck you all.

Erm...

You hear what the Devil wants to do to us?

Devil, why don't you tell us, like, what else you want to do to us?

I am going to gouge out your eyes and skull-fuck you.

Oooh.

And then what? You shall be tied up.

Yes? And whipped.

Yes? And sliced.

Yes, Devil?

And, you know, just lots more terrible things.

Oh, yes, Devil. You're going to do all the terrible things.

You're going to do all the terrible things!

Look, I'm not really into this.

I thought we had a thing going on there.

Why are you...? You're just creeping me out. Sorry.

What a prick tease.

Prick tease.

Donations, what have you've got, guys?

Let's get this cash out for Jesus, all right? Fuck!

Oh, slap it.

Harder. Yes!

Come on. Just push it, bend it and then slap it again.

This is so annoying. This is so annoying!

I'm sick of this crap.

Be calm, my prince. All I want to do is make sweet, sensuous

and ceremonial love to you, but the royal penis is failing me.

If only there was some sort of magical way

to give me the stiffies of my teenage years

so that, you know, you could be lifted.

Lifted.

COMPUTER: You have royal mail.

Who is this disturbing me at this time of the night?

Vi-agra?

Viagira?

Viagra?

What is Viagra?

"A pill scientifically proven to cure erectile dysfunction.

"Buy now and enjoy a healthy sex life once again.

"Available today without prescription."

This is a lie!

Fuck you, man! What a load of poppy tosh!

It's obviously a scam.

I've never heard of this shit.

Right, I must do it the old-fashioned way.

Bring me the purse of bees!

I am going to entice the bees to sting the royal prick

until it is swollen up like a whale.

Load, load, load.

Argh! Argh! Aaargh!

Aaargh! Aaargh!

Aaaaaaaargh!

Hey, mambo-jambo!

B-B-B-B-B...

Bitch, I'm Idris Elba.

I'm Idris Elba.

Oi, oi! Science, is it?

I'm all fucking over it. This is shit.

It's nice to see so much diversity in the world of science,

but I'll take it from here. I'm sorry, are you Idris Elba?

Yes. Now fuck off!

Now, what's going on down here?

This is the Large Hadron Collider.

Right, this button here's tempting me. Stop!

You could start a nuclear reaction or even create a black hole!

A black hole?!

Let's have it! TANNOY: Core meltdown initiated.

Core meltdown initiated.

B-B-B-B-B...

Bitch, I'm Idris Elba I'm Idris Elba

I'm Idris Elba

Motherfucking Idris Elba

Check it out, I'm a major factor DJ, dancer, writer, actor

I do it all - what's that? Got a problem with your back, love?

I'm a registered chiropractor Got a farm? I can drive a tractor

I can do anything I turn my hand to

Cage fighting, hang gliding Ironing

I've even got a cure for surviving cancer

B-B-B-B-B...

Barista, fashionista Street sweeper, goalkeeper

Primary school teacher Stockbroker, spiritual healer

Estate agent Want to buy a house in Ibiza?

Want a work permit? Want a visa? You need CPR? You had a seizure?

Want to buy a new car? You want a dealer?

You want cats? I'm the geezer!

Me n'affi ask weh dem put up dem hands for

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer 21, watch 'ya

Rumble in di jungle, step to dis You're sure to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

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