Original subtitles

Brothers in arms.

It is time that I, General Napalm,

unleash my biggest wave of destruction yet.

May the rivers flow with blood

and every man, woman and child tremble in our shadow!

SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE

General Napalm! General Napalm! I have urgent news!

What is it, soldier?

It is a post, General.

A post on Facebook by...

..Gary Stevens...

..from Hounslow.

He says, "We must stop the evil warlord General Napalm.

"Help me get 1,000 likes to raise...

"..awareness."

Gary Stevens is clearly a blithering idiot.

1,000 likes?

There is no way a man can reach 1,000 likes.

He will fail in his attempt to raise awareness.

But, General,

the post has already received 997 likes.

Impossible.

BEEP 998.

Stop it. Stop him now! Stop Gary now!

BEEP 999.

Delete the post. We need to go to Hounslow and get Gary Stevens and...

BEEP One...

..thousand.

Argh!

The awareness!

Have mercy upon me!

The awareness is taking over!

The awareness has hit me!

SCREAMING

I am sorry!

Get away from me, you awareness devils!

Get away!

SCREAMING

Erm, General.

General.

Erm...

It would appear that Gary Stevens' post on Facebook

was completely ineffectual

and was instead an attempt to boost his own presence on social media.

Good.

Well, all right, guys,

let's get back to stealing some shit and eating some people.

SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE

Mashup the dance

Step inna di place me a gangsta

Me n'affi ask weh dem put up dem hands for

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer, 21, watch 'ya

Rumble in di jungle, step to dis, you're to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

Freeze, motherfuckers!

Detective Mountree about to arrest you apple-stealing bitches!

Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga

Black man in a white man's world Yeah!

By this point you should know who the fuck we talk about

It's Moses Mountree, nigga

He's had several partners

Whoop!

And sexual partners

Whoop!

And he's fucked up some farmers

Whoop!

Mountree, Mountree, Mountree.

And also his partner, Kim Lee.

Look, I really don't understand why I'm here again.

Oh, you don't understand why you're here again?

Look at these motherfuckers, man!

These ain't just farmers.

These be triad farmers.

You still don't understand why you're here,

Kim motherfuckin' Lee?

I mean, they're obviously farmers of Asian descent

who have scrumped some apples,

but I don't think that makes them triads.

Motherfucker, it's your first day!

If you don't take these motherfucking nunchuks

and whoop these triads' ass, I'm going to beat your ass.

I don't know how to use nunchuks.

Oh, and I don't have a big ass floppy dick!

Let's go.

Action sequence It's a montage, action sequence.

Go away!

Hiya!

Hiyo.

KIM CRIES

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

Bitch, you can't die today!

Where's your boss at?

HE SPEAKS CHINESE

Nigga, what?

Kim Lee, come ask him where his evil triad boss is at.

I don't speak Chinese, Moses. I was born in Kilburn.

Motherfucker, ask him where his boss is at!

KIM IMITATES CHINESE

Fowlam? Fowlam!

Fo...lo...lo? Oh, Fololo!

HE SPEAKS CHINESE

What he say?

Er, he said that he's at the old abandoned warehouse.

Good!

Let's go kill his Korean ass!

Part two, coming soon.

Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga!

Korean now? I mean, there's just no consistency.

Shut the fuck up!

Mountree, Mountree, Mountree.

LAUGHTER AND CHAT

So?

So? Yeah?

He's amazing.

I knew it!

He makes me so happy.

He's literally just perfect.

Oh!

Go on! He's gorgeous.

He's kind.

He's so generous.

He sounds incredible. He is.

There is one tiny thing.

What?

It's probably nothing.

What?

He's never...

..sent me a dick pic.

Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

I think I'm going to be sick.

OK, let's not overreact.

He's sent you something, though, right?

Slightly blurred? A tiny peep of?

A vague, out of focus, could be leg, could be shaft?

An over-pants semi? Yeah?

He's sent you an over-pants semi, right?

I haven't even seen a pic of the top bit of his pubes.

Jesus Christ! Oh, my God!

He's a psycho! He volunteers at the local hospice.

It'll be weird. Abnormal.

Kinked. Or flat.

He went to Harvard! Or a spoon.

He's got a cock like a spoon.

He's just going to use it to, like, scoop at you.

It could be spiral, like a duck's penis.

We never had dick pics in my day.

We just went in blind.

Some of us were lucky.

Others, not so much.

My best friend ended up marrying a man

with a penis like an undercooked fried egg.

THEY GASP

She died, of course.

PHONE PINGS

Is that him?

It could be a dick pic.

Is it?

What's it like?

DEEP VOICE: Can you send me that?

What?

Yes, please!

See you later, bro.

These young uns, bruv!

Yeah.

What you sayin', fam? Oh, hello, Uncle.

SNIGGERING

Did he just call me Uncle?

Yeah, bruv.

I'm only a few years older than you guys.

I'm not an Uncle already, am I?

No, man.

Chill out. What's wrong with you?

OK, cool.

Cool.

Hey, what are those?

What?

Oh, these?

Er, yeah, my MX1s are a bit muddy.

Plus, these are really comfy.

Really comfy, guys, yeah.

HE SIGHS

Feeling a bit hot, though.

What is that? What?

The hat? The what?

The hat?

The music is too loud, isn't it?

I can't hear you.

No, it's actually pretty normal volume.

What are you saying?

Yeah, why are you shouting?

I'm not shouting.

You're definitely shouting.

Nonsense. Go and fetch me a Guinness.

Oh, there's Yoko Oli.

Oli!

Good to see! Where have you been? And you!

That will never be us, right?

No.

NEW SONG PLAYS

Oh!

SHE PANTS

You are doing so well.

You and the baby's heart rate are stable.

Ah, just as I thought -

the dilations are starting to move.

Hey!

What you a look pon?

What? Me say what you a look pon?

Getting your big head into my girl Leslie legs!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

But I just need to look at the cervix.

Cervix?!

You aren't looking at my girl's cervix!

I should serve you!

Just because me did give you permission

to bring this young Jamaican ting into this world.

I mean, sir, you can't put your hand into my girl's poom poom poom poom.

Ya hear this, Leslie?

He want to stick him hand in your batty hole

and take the batty grease and all them ting there.

LESLIE GROANS

Oh!

I see what g'wan here.

So, you want to be with him?

You want to run away with him?

Fine, I will go and look for another girl,

who will learn to appreciate me!

Big batty like Jupiter!

Recognise!

LESLIE SCREAMS

BABY CRIES

Careful. There you go.

There you go, you're OK.

My goodness!

Move!

Leslie, will you look pon that!

It's a girl. I have a little princess!

Congratulations to you both.

Go suck your mother puss hole!

No-one sees what I see in you

No-one feels the same

No-one sees myself like you do.

Know what, babe?

These shoes are SO comfortable!

Yeah!

I literally could just wear 'em all night.

Same!

I don't want to take 'em off ever.

Yeah, me, too.

I think mine are even comfier, to be honest.

Oh, shit!

Excuse me. Do you know your feet are bleeding?

I don't know what you're talking about, babe.

I think it might be the shoes.

There's quite a lot of blood.

These are literally the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned.

So comfortable, babe.

It's like literally wearing clouds, hun.

Your blister just burst.

THEY LAUGH

I just don't want to take 'em off.

They're so comfy.

Same, babe.

Honestly...

..I feel like I'm wearing trainers.

That's funny, because I was literally about to say

I could work out in these shoes.

How about you, Letitia?

Oh, my God! You're so drunk!

And you've lost a lot of blood.

Oh, my God, hun!

How you feeling?

I'm so, so sorry.

You had to be the first one to take your shoes off.

It's devastating.

Honestly, babe.

They're so comfy....

..I literally can't feel a thing.

My sheep!

It is I, Pastor Philip John,

and before me are three members of our church.

Three strong and powerful...

..and muscular men,

who've all fallen victim to the devil.

There's also a woman, Pastor. What?

Ah, yes, also there's a woman there, yeah.

You! How has the devil manifested itself into your body?

I get chest pains, Pastor.

Then show me your nipple!

My nipple?

Yes, your nipple!

Show it to Pastor Philip John so that he may milk

the devil from you.

Get it out!

Ah!

Yeah, it's coming.

It's coming out.

Ah!

It's gone.

And you!

I have a pain down near my...

..thigh.

HE SNIFFS I can smell the devil in there.

How dare you make this man's penis your home, devil.

He's gone! Praise Jesus!

And you!

What is your ailment?

I've had homosexual thoughts, Pastor.

Stop the music.

Homosexual thoughts?

Yes, Pastor.

I need you to go into the back room and begin to pray immediately.

And don't stop praying until I come back there and...

..pray with you.

Yes, Pastor.

You may also want to light some candles.

And go into my Spotify and select the playlist entitled...

..Cosy Fun Times.

Yes, Pastor.

Ah!

Praise Jesus.

All right, donations.

Let's get these donations, guys.

Jesus needs cash, guys.

Excuse me, Pastor?

What?

I think I'm going blind.

Well, they have dogs for that. Jesus Christ!

All right, donations, guys!

Jesus is not going to pay himself.

Let's get this cash out!

GUNSHOTS

Hey!

Evil triad boss bitch!

You'd better bring your ass out here, man.

I'm not playing with you.

Translate that shit for me, Kim Lee.

KIM IMITATES CHINESE

Yeah!

You hear that, motherfucker?

Oh, you want me to translate that as well?

Yes.

KIM IMITATES CHINESE

All right, he wants to play hardball.

Here's what we're going to do. We got to split up.

You go search the warehouse.

I'm going to go back to the car and smoke me some weed.

Then my ass probably going to be a little bit hungry,

so I'm going to order me some Chinese food.

Hey, what y'all Chinese folk call Chinese food?

It's just regular ass food, right?

As long as it ain't no dog.

Going to get me some egg rolls.

GUNSHOT

Shit!

You motherfucker!

So you was the evil triad boss all along, Kim Lee?

No, I'm not a triad.

I'm just fucking sick of you ripping into me for being Chinese!

I'm not even Chinese! My parents are from Malaysia.

Malaysia, Asia, China, pina, wina, it's all...

GUNSHOT

How would you like it?

Hmm? How would you like it if I said, oh,

black people aren't the best timekeepers?

No, Kim Lee!

How would you like it if I said, oh,

when there's a large group of black people together,

they can be a bit on the loud side.

No! And why's your food so spicy?

And why are your barber shops open so late?

Who needs a trim at 2am? I don't know.

And what if I were to say that I think Stormzy...

..is a bit overrated?

You motherfucker.

GUNSHOT

It's me, baby!

Your long lost wife, Cleopatra.

And I brought your long lost son, Mountree Junior.

Hey, little niblett.

Hey, little man.

Does he have a big ass dick?

It's huge!

I can see my life flash before my eyes, man.

So sad

Moses Mountree, he's dead...

You heard what I said

He's dead

Say it ain't so

Say it ain't so

They shot up some triads

But bitches...

Is your ass dead yet? Motherfucker!

Can't a nigga get a flashback sequence before he die, bitch?

Oh, hell no, motherfucker.

I don't know who the fuck you think you talking to like that.

I'm going to shoot your ass again, bitch.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too, baby.

Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders...

..nigga.

Hey, baby Hey, babe

Can we talk for a sec? Sure, what's up?

I got something to tell you You can tell me anything

Bear with me, baby Listen

It's our first time together and I want to make love so bad

So bad

But, baby, what I'm going to tell ya might make you sad

Womp, womp, womp

Now, I'm sure you've had many great lovers before

But when I tell you this, don't kick me out the door

Cos...

Baby, I come too soon What?

Baby, I come too soon Quick finish man

Baby, I come too soon OK

Baby, I come too soon

I've got to go.

Pretty lady, you look very sad indeed

But I found a trick to slow down my speed

All right

I think of dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies!

I picture Phil Mitchell as a druggie

Shit, I might think of my taxes

But, if that don't work, there's more

I think of cancer survivors, tarantula spiders

Sweat dripping down my grandma's vagina

Blowing my cannon on Alison Hammond

Or the chick who looks like a man on The Wire

Nails on a chalkboard, Liquorice allsorts

Old avocados, Yoda from Star Wars

I even think of climate change

And if that don't work I'm comin', babe!

Cos you know I come too soon Who the fuck are all these people?

Baby, I come too soon Quick finish man

Baby, I come too soon Er, yeah

Baby, I come too soon Key change

Baby, I come too soon Is that my brother?

And I wish I could...

Tyrone, fuck off! Restrain my wood

Baby, I come to soon

I'm just going to finish myself off.

Baby, I come too soon.

Oh, Trevor McDonald!

Hyacinth, what you a look pon

You're precious as the morning sun

If a you try touch your bum

I go boss him clat with my shotgun!

Watch me slaughter anyone if he touch my daughter

Here's me gun, mother, here's me nunchaka

And if that no work me have me belt buckle!

LESLIE COUGHS

Leslie, what wrong with you, man?

You can't see Hyacinth is sleeping?

HE TUTS

Sorry, baby.

WHISPERING: We're going to find

another mother for you anyway.

Yeah, you excited about that one, innit?

Peter, smile!

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Darling, come quick.

What is it?

Look!

That photo you uploaded the other night.

Someone's turned it into a meme!

I think I'm a meme.

Who knows, it might even go viral.

Holy shit!

You're that meme dude!

You're the guy!

Now, will you do the face? Will you do the face?

Oh, very nice. Pleasure. Very cool. Pleasure.

Thank you very much.

I'm famous.

It's that geezer off the meme!

Do the face! Oh, yes, the face!

Hold on.

Hey, you're that meme guy, aren't you?

Oh, yes.

Wow, I can't believe it's you. Oh, yes, it's me.

I just can't believe it. One, two, three.

Oh, hello. I'm sorry.

I can't...

No, I can't.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Selfie! Selfie! Selfie!

Enough! No more selfies.

HE SCREAMS

Get away!

No more!

I'm not a meme!

I'm a man!

It's how he would want us to remember him.

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer, 21, watch 'ya

Rumble in di jungle, step to dis, you're to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0