Original subtitles

Breaking news just in.

An armed and dangerous man has taken 12 hostages.

Women and children are amongst the hostages

and are said to be in extreme danger.

A lot of people are asking - where is the city's so-called superhero?

Where is the Night Owl?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES

SHE SIGHS

Initiate body shaper. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Initiating body shaper.

DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES, SHE GROANS

LOUD SNAP Ah, fuck.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Mm.

DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES

Need to pee.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, they're all dead.

Yeah, women and children. That's really terrible.

SHE PEES

Oh, no, that is terrible.

That's so bad.

Wobbledy, wobbledy That girl's got boonda

Wobbledy, wobbledy That girl's got boonda

Left cheek, right cheek Wakanda samunda

Wobbledy, wobbledy That girl's got boonda

She told me Don't get lost in the sauce

Then she gave me top in my Porsche

Saw that round thing drop to the floor

Champagne everywhere She's popping my cork

No, I have not hit it raw But I will...

Good evening. I'm Hugo Stephenson-Thorpe.

And that was, of course, a short excerpt from

That Girl's Got Boonda by Fuck Boy Q.

And I am deeply honoured to have by my side the great,

the incomparable Samantha Fletcher-Wood,

who of course played the role of Pool Girl 8 in the video.

What an honour.

Well, thank you.

How did that role come about?

Well, I'd wanted to work with Fuck Boy Q for quite some time

but of course, only when the right project came along.

Of course.

And then I was sent the script for this particular video

and saw the words, "Pool Girl 8 twerks by the pool

"and grabs Pool Girl 5's arse and tits,"

and I thought to myself, "Wow. Interesting."

But of course, your big break came much earlier

in the video for Big Money Money's seminal single, Got Bare Bitches.

I got bare bitches I got bare bitches

Running up in the club and popping bub

I got bare bitches I got bare bitches...

What are your memories of that shoot?

Ah, well...

..that was quite a challenging role.

The director, he gave me a fabulous note, he said,

"Just don't stop twerking."

Mm! And that just unlocked the truth of the part, you know?

Inspiring.

Shake those dicks Shake those dicks...

Join me next week where I'll be talking to Mini G

about her ground-breaking single, Shake Those Dicks.

Shake those big floppy dicks at me.

APPLAUSE

Mi say welcome back to Catchphrase.

The game where you have fi say what uno see.

Contestants, say what uno see.

Sexy.

Di-i-i-ing!

Yes.

Mash up the place.

Correct! Well done, Sean.

Digital massacre.

Uno keep them eyes peeled.

Er-r-r-ring!

Yes.

Don't trouble trouble till trouble trouble you.

Dangerous. Gwan wid your bad self.

She get it. She get it. That was a hard one, ya know?

Say what uno see.

Buzz!

Bombaclaat! Buzz. Don't touch it.

We run tings, tings no run we.

Looks like Sean'll run tings.

Gwan, Sean!

Ooh, erm, I think I know that one.

You have fi make the sound, Steve.

R-r-r-ring!

It's er-rr-ring! Er-rr-ring! Er-rr-ring!

It not hard, really.

Sorry.

What was the answer, Steven?

Beat around the bush.

Beat around which bush? That sound like a jumble a words.

Ya mother's bush, ya beat pon.

Ebenezer, Cuthbert, mi say run the commercial break.

STEELPAN DRUM MUSIC PLAYS

And then bam, bam, bam.

Slow, slow.

Babe, shouldn't we leave 'em a note, let them know where we're going?

Definitely not. You know what'll happen

if they find out we're going back to Nigeria.

They can't find out.

HE GASPS

What's wrong with you?

Let's go.

Hello, aunties.

BOTH: Oh, hello, dear.

I see you are...

..travelling.

Y-yeah. Just... Just a holiday.

How nice.

AUNTIES MUMBLE

I expect at this time you are planning

to take the 428 British Airways flight to...

..Nigeria.

AUNTIES MUTTER

Halt!

Maybe in that case you can...

..help us transport some small items for the family.

Auntie, please, our cases are...

Ah! ..full.

Ah, come now. It's just some small, small things.

Auntie Runka here needs you to take her Yorkshire teabags.

Uncle Damilola Demi Femi Flabo needs his custard creams.

And Auntie here, of course, wants to put her entire suitcase

inside your suitcase.

AUNTIE GRUNTS

And me, I just need you to take

this small microwave.

This is madness.

Hold.

Get in the car.

Start the engine. Babe...

Ho-o-o-old. Now!

Ho-o-o-old.

No-o-o-o-o-ow!

RUMBLING

IN SLOW MOTION: No-o-o-o-o!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

LION ROARS

BIG CAT ROARS

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Are you mad?

BIG CAT ROARS

Bye-bye. Goodbye.

Journey mercies.

Have a safe flight. Yes.

Why didn't we just go to fucking Magaluf?

VOICEOVER: "Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden ticket.

"I'm Willy Honka.

"You are most welcome to my wondrous emporium of assimilation,

"where, for one day only,

"you can enjoy all the things that white people do."

Make a wish, count to three.

Come with me

And you'll be

In a world of pure assimilation

Just for a day

You can be

A Caucasian

Try new things

Like being on time

And of course you'll avoid incarceration...

So, as a woman, will I be getting better pay?

Now, that's a sticky conversation

If you're tired of being patronised

And asked for Class A drugs by cool kids

I'll show you what bland, unseasoned food is

Can we say the N word in songs?

No, white people can't do this.

Do you have a swimming pool here, bruv?

Yes, we have a swimming pool. White people like swimming pools.

That's peak. Say nuttin'.

No!

No-o-o!

He's not ready.

Help!

Help me!

I've just remembered that black people can't swim!

Tea?

Yo, Stratford Soldiers, playtime is done!

So, you men ready to step up and bang

or you just going to keep moving like pussies?

24 hours to reply.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Oi! E19 Poppies!

We take supreme offence to you calling us pussios.

The vagina is both durable and life-giving,

so you insinuating that it is lesser makes you a bunch of dicks!

Message over!

Yo, Stratford Soldiers,

we had no idea you man were so passionate about respecting women.

We love women!

I swear our mums are women.

Yeah, yeah, I fink so, bro.

So we've drafted in Sharnice here...

Gang, gang, gang, gang.

Done, so-so, all day, every day.

Either side, left and right.

No long ting, no short ting, sometimes middle tings,

but it is what it is.

SHE LAUGHS

E19 Posse, we're greatly encouraged by your efforts

to diversify your crew.

And in response, we've enlisted Antonia here

to head up our ladies' division.

Antonia, say something for the camera.

Stratford Soldiers, scrat, scrat, scrat, scrat!

Big up, Antonia, innit.

Scrat! Do you know what?

Man's noticed there's been a lot of calm and tranquillity

since Sharnice's been around here.

That's true, you know. Mad ting!

Ooh! E19 POSSE: Mm-mm.

Yes, Antonia, what you saying, babes?

What's good in the hood?

Wassup, girl?

Hey, sis, where'd you get your hair done?

It's looking gorge, you know.

Babes, it's a secret, you know. But I can take you there now

if you want to buck me on Brecknook and Sutton Street.

We can have a two two one and I can give you the T on the mandem here.

ANTONIA LAUGHS

"Buck me on Brecknook and Sutton Street."

Are you dumb, bruv?

Are you dizzy? Is everything OK at home?

You know that's my ends, bruv!

What, you trying to come here without a formal invite?

On my territory!

Are you serious?!

SHARNICE YELLS

Hey, chill, cuz!

"Eunice, I am Prince Aliousi Islasis." Oh.

"I currently have gold bullion to the value of $44 million."

"Furnish me with your bank account details."

Delete!

LAUGHING: What a bellend.

But why?!

Why are the British people showing me such hostility

when I am offering them a deal of a lifetime?

Innit, babe?

Keep trying, my handsome prince.

So sensual and sexy.

Unlike that last one.

Agh!

HE CHUCKLES

I killed her.

Dead.

LAPTOP DINGS

Ooh!

I have a reply.

A Mr Charles Humphries-David.

He wants me to come to England to convert my gold into sterling.

Great news, everybody, I'm going to the UK.

To the magical province of...

..Peck Ham.

Fetch the horses.

DOGS BARK

Wow!

What is this?

Fur is murder, you fucking bastard!

Oh, my God!

Fur is murder!

BOTH: Fur is murder!

Fur is murder!

Where is this guy?

SIREN BLARES

So late.

Ooh.

HE GASPS

ANGELIC SINGING

Charles Humphries-David?

What a fine and elegantly dressed man you are.

Charles Humphries, I am...

Hey. Oh!

So, are you, like, that prince guy?

Yes. Yes, I am. And you are?

Erm, yeah, I'm... I'm Charles Humphries-David, innit.

It's about time! Where have you been?

I was beginning to think I was being conned of some sort of fashion.

I thought it was a conning.

Yeah, do you have the gold? The gold?

Yes, I have the gold. What the hell do you think I'm doing here?

There you go.

CLUNK

Come on, it's just a few thousand kilos.

Erm, yeah, so, I'll call you once it's been converted

into sterling and that thing, yeah?

But you need my telephone number if you're going to contact me.

Oh, e-mail. The telephone number was attached to the e-mail.

Fantastic.

CAR BACKFIRES

Eh! What was that?

Hello there. It's me, Wolf Chambers.

And so far, you've seen me brave the winds of Antarctica...

..suffer the heat of the Sahara Desert...

..but now it is time for me to endure

one of the most inhospitable environments known to man.

Here we go.

CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS

Here we are in Notting Hill Carnival.

It's crowded, it's loud, and it's smelly.

Plenty of food and beverages available,

but the queues are massive.

However, it could be worse.

I could be a female in this environment,

in which case, of course, no doubt plenty of mandem

would be trying to catch a wine on this.

Even if I was butters.

Other dangers to look out for include standing in piss

and of course, policemen trying to dance.

OK, here we go. I'm being initiated.

The key to survival here is not to panic, and hold on tight.

Here we go.

I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

Notting Hill Carnival.

You've just got to hang on!

Bidda bye, bidda bo, bidda seebo P

This is a coronavirus bulletin for man like me.

Hey, I don't know if any of you have realised

but 2020 has been a madness.

And it was supposed to be my year. My year!

Hear this. Black people are over four times more likely

to die from Covid than any white people.

That's right. Corona is like the plague.

But it's racist as fuck!

It's like Nazi AIDS.

This pandemic got your average brother on the street

looking like an upcoming drill artist. Hold tight six, seven.

On the plus side, lot of very peng galdem

doing some banging workout vlogs right now.

My Wii Fit thinks I'm ready for the Olympics!

Joe Wicks can fuck off if he thinks man's doing

any of them burpee tings, though.

Yo! I never thought the apocalypse would have so many graphs in it.

Man feels like he's doing his GCSEs again.

Where are all the fucking zombies?

World star!

Supermarkets are more dangerous than the roads right now.

Good job my ex-girlfriend left her card details in my Deliveroo, innit?

Boy, all of these celebrities want to be careful

about showing off their lockdown mansions, though.

Cos my cousin, Ashley,

is straight up using it to scope out his next job.

If you get what I'm saying?

HE LAUGHS

Hey, you, Scribs.

Cos Justin Bieber's got bare tings in his yard.

Oi, that lamp'll look nice in my place.

Bidda bye, bidda bo, bidda seebo P!

This a pandemic bulletin for man like me.

Yes, and welcome back to Catchphrase.

The game where uno have to say what uno see.

We have with us Sean, who is true to the quick-quick fire-fire round.

Sean, say what uno see.

Erm, puss and dog nuh have the same luck.

Correct.

Nuh call alligator loudmouth till you pass him.

Correct.

Same bird will carry the news come and the same bird will take it away.

Correct. Oh, and look who it is.

It's Mr Plantain for the final question.

AUDIENCE CHEER

But...what him a do?

What him a do? What him a do?

Erm, what him a do?

Erm...

Erm... Beg ya a clue, huh?

I can't give you a clue. No, man. Erm...

Erm...

Erm...

Oh, look, we did run out of time. Sorry, man.

No! Fuck this, man!

This plantain is the bane of my existence!

Always trying to fuck up me money!

R-R-Rasta, you no have to do that. R-Rasta, this bomboclaat!

Don't tell me what to do!

Don't tell me what to do!

Mi not insured!

Plantain! You call it plantain? All of you?

PHONES BEEP

LAUGHING

It's a good gif.

I like it. Yeah, it's a gif.

That's a great fucking gif.

That's a gif right there.

Gentlemen,

great to see you all again.

I'm grateful you've travelled from the various territories

to be here today.

London.

Reading.

And even Hull.

We all know why we're here.

Our WhatsApp group.

We've used it for years

to moan about the various sports teams we're affiliated with,

to arrange pre-drinks,

to share images of the different babushkas we've encountered.

but most importantly, for bants.

Gifs and shit we get from the black Twitter.

But it has come to my attention

that one of us is no longer satisfied with the group.

One of us this morning committed the ultimate disrespect

and exited the group.

Mumbles.

Y-Yeah, boss.

Did you enjoy that gif I sent you just now?

Yeah, it was...it was funny, boss. You know. Ha-ha.

Funny, boss.

What was so funny about it, Mumbles?

OK. OK. I left the group.

It's just a WhatsApp group. You know.

Come on.

BOSS LAUGHS MANIACALLY

GROUP LAUGHS

I really had you going there, didn't I?

Had me going. You had me going.

It's just a fucking WhatsApp group.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a fucking WhatsApp group.

And this is just a fucking baseball bat.

Oh!

You ungrateful scum!

Jesus!

You're a disgrace to Reading and also to your mother,

you fucking piece of shit!

Fuckin' Stevie Wonder lookin' ass motherfucker!

BLOOD SPLATTERS, BASEBALL BAT RINGS ON GROUND

Now, I'm going to send you all a gif...

..of some kittens and a cucumber,

and you're all going to laugh.

PHONE BEEPS

PHONES DING

Oh, yeah, that's pretty funny, boss. Huh? Huh?

Funny.

That's actually really funny.

Hey, you see th...? Oh, yeah.

DOGS BARK

Mr Roberts?

Yes, my name is Prince Dunomagio of the lower Congo region...

Yes, if you can give me your bank account details,

I'll wire you the money...

OK. Goodbye. God bless you, as well. Yes.

Fucking bastard children! Why are they answering the phone?

Yeah, my name is Prince Aliousi Islasis.

Don't be nervous. Please, don't...

Hello? I can wire the money post-haste... Hello?

Hello, Mr Phillips?

Yes, my name is Prince Dunomagio...

If I could turn

Turn back the hand of time

Then Nigeria, you will be mine

If I had many babes...

But why?

HE SIGHS

Baby!

My baby!

Oh!

Oh, my gosh!

My lion tamer, my cherry picker, my cow milker.

You have come to Peckham to rescue me.

It is time to go home, my prince.

Indeed it is!

It really is.

However, I must do something first.

My name is Prince... Brothers!

Listen to me!

Hang up the phone, hang up the phones.

Astronomical news!

I have been saved!

And so have you all!

Come with me now onto my private jet where I will take you all back home,

and I will gift you palaces with acres and acres of land

that stretch as far as the eyes can see.

Swimming pools and elepcurtis... Elecurtal... El...

The fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. That one. You know the one, yeah?

Come on, brothers, let's go.

For we are now truly kings and royalty again.

THEY LAUGH

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