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1
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,320
Breaking news just in.
2
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:09,200
An armed and dangerous man
has taken 12 hostages.
3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,280
Women and children are amongst
the hostages
4
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,240
and are said to be
in extreme danger.
5
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:20,080
A lot of people are asking - where
is the city's so-called superhero?
6
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:22,520
Where is the Night Owl?
7
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,360
DRAMATIC MUSIC
8
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,200
DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES
9
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,000
SHE SIGHS
10
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,440
Initiate body shaper.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
11
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,800
COMPUTERISED VOICE:
Initiating body shaper.
12
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,600
DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES,
SHE GROANS
13
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,400
LOUD SNAP
Ah, fuck.
14
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,800
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
15
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,280
Mm.
16
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,120
DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES
17
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,240
Need to pee.
18
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,600
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
19
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,400
PHONE RINGS
20
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,440
Hello?
21
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,640
Oh, they're all dead.
22
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,000
Yeah, women and children.
That's really terrible.
23
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,720
SHE PEES
24
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,680
Oh, no, that is terrible.
25
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,160
That's so bad.
26
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,040
Wobbledy, wobbledy
That girl's got boonda
27
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,200
Wobbledy, wobbledy
That girl's got boonda
28
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,400
Left cheek, right cheek
Wakanda samunda
29
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,680
Wobbledy, wobbledy
That girl's got boonda
30
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,120
She told me
Don't get lost in the sauce
31
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,520
Then she gave me top in
my Porsche
32
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,400
Saw that round thing
drop to the floor
33
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,760
Champagne everywhere
She's popping my cork
34
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,680
No, I have not hit it raw
But I will...
35
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,720
Good evening.
I'm Hugo Stephenson-Thorpe.
36
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,560
And that was, of course,
a short excerpt from
37
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,240
That Girl's Got Boonda
by Fuck Boy Q.
38
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,200
And I am deeply honoured
to have by my side the great,
39
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,360
the incomparable
Samantha Fletcher-Wood,
40
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:53,120
who of course played the role
of Pool Girl 8 in the video.
41
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,280
What an honour.
42
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:55,480
Well, thank you.
43
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,360
How did that role come about?
44
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,720
Well, I'd wanted to work with
Fuck Boy Q for quite some time
45
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,080
but of course, only when
the right project came along.
46
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,320
Of course.
47
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,800
And then I was sent the script
for this particular video
48
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,520
and saw the words, "Pool Girl 8
twerks by the pool
49
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,600
"and grabs Pool Girl 5's arse
and tits,"
50
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:18,320
and I thought to myself,
"Wow. Interesting."
51
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:22,080
But of course, your big break
came much earlier
52
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:27,880
in the video for Big Money Money's
seminal single, Got Bare Bitches.
53
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,920
I got bare bitches
I got bare bitches
54
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,640
Running up in the club
and popping bub
55
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,960
I got bare bitches
I got bare bitches...
56
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,040
What are your memories
of that shoot?
57
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,560
Ah, well...
58
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,320
..that was quite a challenging role.
59
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,600
The director, he gave me
a fabulous note, he said,
60
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,920
"Just don't stop twerking."
61
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,720
Mm! And that just unlocked the truth
of the part, you know?
62
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,280
Inspiring.
63
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,960
Shake those dicks
Shake those dicks...
64
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,400
Join me next week where I'll be
talking to Mini G
65
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:59,280
about her ground-breaking single,
Shake Those Dicks.
66
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,160
Shake those big floppy dicks
at me.
67
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,520
APPLAUSE
68
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,000
Mi say welcome back to Catchphrase.
69
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,640
The game where you have fi say
what uno see.
70
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,400
Contestants, say what uno see.
71
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,760
Sexy.
72
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,320
Di-i-i-ing!
73
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,680
Yes.
74
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,160
Mash up the place.
75
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,120
Correct! Well done, Sean.
76
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,760
Digital massacre.
77
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,160
Uno keep them eyes peeled.
78
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,800
Er-r-r-ring!
79
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:35,840
Yes.
80
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,520
Don't trouble trouble
till trouble trouble you.
81
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,880
Dangerous. Gwan wid your bad self.
82
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,080
She get it. She get it.
That was a hard one, ya know?
83
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,200
Say what uno see.
84
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:47,920
Buzz!
85
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,760
Bombaclaat! Buzz. Don't touch it.
86
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,120
We run tings, tings no run we.
87
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,800
Looks like Sean'll run tings.
88
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,320
Gwan, Sean!
89
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,320
Ooh, erm, I think I know that one.
90
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,040
You have fi make the sound, Steve.
91
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,400
R-r-r-ring!
92
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,840
It's er-rr-ring! Er-rr-ring!
Er-rr-ring!
93
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,280
It not hard, really.
94
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,360
Sorry.
95
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,080
What was the answer, Steven?
96
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,400
Beat around the bush.
97
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,440
Beat around which bush?
That sound like a jumble a words.
98
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,400
Ya mother's bush, ya beat pon.
99
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,480
Ebenezer, Cuthbert, mi say run
the commercial break.
100
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,520
STEELPAN DRUM MUSIC PLAYS
101
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,080
And then bam, bam, bam.
102
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,880
Slow, slow.
103
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,160
Babe, shouldn't we leave 'em a note,
let them know where we're going?
104
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,840
Definitely not. You know
what'll happen
105
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,680
if they find out we're going
back to Nigeria.
106
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:41,720
They can't find out.
107
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,560
HE GASPS
108
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,160
What's wrong with you?
109
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,280
Let's go.
110
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,480
Hello, aunties.
111
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,800
BOTH: Oh, hello, dear.
112
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,360
I see you are...
113
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,200
..travelling.
114
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,040
Y-yeah. Just... Just a holiday.
115
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,760
How nice.
116
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,760
AUNTIES MUMBLE
117
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,640
I expect at this time
you are planning
118
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,920
to take the 428 British Airways
flight to...
119
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,120
..Nigeria.
120
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,120
AUNTIES MUTTER
121
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,240
Halt!
122
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,640
Maybe in that case you can...
123
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:26,000
..help us transport some
small items for the family.
124
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,520
Auntie, please, our cases are...
125
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,920
Ah! ..full.
126
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,920
Ah, come now. It's just some
small, small things.
127
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,320
Auntie Runka here needs you
to take her Yorkshire teabags.
128
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:40,040
Uncle Damilola Demi Femi Flabo
needs his custard creams.
129
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,080
And Auntie here, of course, wants
to put her entire suitcase
130
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,840
inside your suitcase.
131
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,120
AUNTIE GRUNTS
132
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,120
And me, I just need you to take
133
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,760
this small microwave.
134
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,720
This is madness.
135
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,320
Hold.
136
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,600
Get in the car.
137
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,160
Start the engine. Babe...
138
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,080
Ho-o-o-old. Now!
139
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,320
Ho-o-o-old.
140
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,080
No-o-o-o-o-ow!
141
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,960
RUMBLING
142
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,200
IN SLOW MOTION: No-o-o-o-o!
143
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,000
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
144
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,880
LION ROARS
145
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,800
BIG CAT ROARS
146
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,680
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
147
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,400
Are you mad?
148
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,400
BIG CAT ROARS
149
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,560
Bye-bye. Goodbye.
150
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,160
Journey mercies.
151
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,840
Have a safe flight. Yes.
152
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,160
Why didn't we just go to
fucking Magaluf?
153
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,520
VOICEOVER: "Greetings to you, the
lucky finder of this golden ticket.
154
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,000
"I'm Willy Honka.
155
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,280
"You are most welcome to my wondrous
emporium of assimilation,
156
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,960
"where, for one day only,
157
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,600
"you can enjoy all the things
that white people do."
158
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,400
Make a wish, count to three.
159
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,320
Come with me
160
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,000
And you'll be
161
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,240
In a world of pure assimilation
162
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,760
Just for a day
163
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:58,680
You can be
164
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,520
A Caucasian
165
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,360
Try new things
166
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,480
Like being on time
167
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:10,080
And of course
you'll avoid incarceration...
168
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,440
So, as a woman, will I be getting
better pay?
169
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,200
Now, that's a sticky conversation
170
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,040
If you're tired of
being patronised
171
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,360
And asked for Class A drugs
by cool kids
172
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,480
I'll show you what bland,
unseasoned food is
173
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,800
Can we say the N word in songs?
174
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,480
No, white people can't do this.
175
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,120
Do you have a swimming pool here,
bruv?
176
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,720
Yes, we have a swimming pool.
White people like swimming pools.
177
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,360
That's peak. Say nuttin'.
178
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,440
No!
179
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,680
No-o-o!
180
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,360
He's not ready.
181
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,040
Help!
182
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,080
Help me!
183
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,680
I've just remembered that
black people can't swim!
184
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:02,400
Tea?
185
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,000
Yo, Stratford Soldiers,
playtime is done!
186
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,760
So, you men ready to step up
and bang
187
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,960
or you just going to keep
moving like pussies?
188
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,280
24 hours to reply.
189
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,280
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
190
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,440
Oi! E19 Poppies!
191
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,520
We take supreme offence to you
calling us pussios.
192
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,840
The vagina is both durable
and life-giving,
193
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:25,520
so you insinuating that it is lesser
makes you a bunch of dicks!
194
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,160
Message over!
195
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,520
Yo, Stratford Soldiers,
196
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,640
we had no idea you man were so
passionate about respecting women.
197
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:32,920
We love women!
198
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,160
I swear our mums are women.
199
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,400
Yeah, yeah, I fink so, bro.
200
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,280
So we've drafted in Sharnice here...
201
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,040
Gang, gang, gang, gang.
202
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,760
Done, so-so, all day, every day.
203
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,280
Either side, left and right.
204
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,480
No long ting, no short ting,
sometimes middle tings,
205
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,480
but it is what it is.
206
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,480
SHE LAUGHS
207
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,600
E19 Posse, we're greatly
encouraged by your efforts
208
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,080
to diversify your crew.
209
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,600
And in response,
we've enlisted Antonia here
210
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,720
to head up our ladies' division.
211
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,240
Antonia, say something
for the camera.
212
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,840
Stratford Soldiers,
scrat, scrat, scrat, scrat!
213
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,400
Big up, Antonia, innit.
214
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,480
Scrat! Do you know what?
215
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,960
Man's noticed there's been
a lot of calm and tranquillity
216
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,880
since Sharnice's been around here.
217
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,880
That's true, you know. Mad ting!
218
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,320
Ooh! E19
POSSE: Mm-mm.
219
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,640
Yes, Antonia,
what you saying, babes?
220
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:17,800
What's good in the hood?
221
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,120
Wassup, girl?
222
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,800
Hey, sis, where'd you get
your hair done?
223
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,560
It's looking gorge, you know.
224
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:26,040
Babes, it's a secret, you know.
But I can take you there now
225
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,320
if you want to buck me on
Brecknook and Sutton Street.
226
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,320
We can have a two two one and I can
give you the T on the mandem here.
227
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,760
ANTONIA LAUGHS
228
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,200
"Buck me on Brecknook
and Sutton Street."
229
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,800
Are you dumb, bruv?
230
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,720
Are you dizzy? Is everything OK
at home?
231
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,000
You know that's my ends, bruv!
232
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,320
What, you trying to come here
without a formal invite?
233
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,840
On my territory!
234
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,960
Are you serious?!
235
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,520
SHARNICE YELLS
236
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,520
Hey, chill, cuz!
237
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,280
"Eunice, I am
Prince Aliousi Islasis." Oh.
238
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,560
"I currently have gold bullion
to the value of $44 million."
239
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,480
"Furnish me with your
bank account details."
240
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:00,520
Delete!
241
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,360
LAUGHING: What a bellend.
242
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,760
But why?!
243
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,480
Why are the British people
showing me such hostility
244
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,840
when I am offering them
a deal of a lifetime?
245
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,240
Innit, babe?
246
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,960
Keep trying, my handsome prince.
247
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,880
So sensual and sexy.
248
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,360
Unlike that last one.
249
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,560
Agh!
250
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,080
HE CHUCKLES
251
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,480
I killed her.
252
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,440
Dead.
253
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,120
LAPTOP DINGS
254
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,120
Ooh!
255
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,920
I have a reply.
256
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,160
A Mr Charles Humphries-David.
257
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:41,200
He wants me to come to England to
convert my gold into sterling.
258
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,960
Great news, everybody,
I'm going to the UK.
259
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,160
To the magical province of...
260
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,560
..Peck Ham.
261
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:52,960
Fetch the horses.
262
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,120
DOGS BARK
263
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,160
Wow!
264
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,840
What is this?
265
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,080
Fur is murder, you fucking bastard!
266
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,400
Oh, my God!
267
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,920
Fur is murder!
268
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,520
BOTH: Fur is murder!
269
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:16,680
Fur is murder!
270
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:21,960
Where is this guy?
271
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,400
SIREN BLARES
272
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,600
So late.
273
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,240
Ooh.
274
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,240
HE GASPS
275
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,960
ANGELIC SINGING
276
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,560
Charles Humphries-David?
277
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,680
What a fine and elegantly dressed
man you are.
278
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,200
Charles Humphries, I am...
279
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,440
Hey. Oh!
280
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,040
So, are you, like, that prince guy?
281
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,040
Yes. Yes, I am. And you are?
282
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,440
Erm, yeah, I'm...
I'm Charles Humphries-David, innit.
283
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,080
It's about time!
Where have you been?
284
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,000
I was beginning to think I was being
conned of some sort of fashion.
285
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,360
I thought it was a conning.
286
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,680
Yeah, do you have the gold?
The gold?
287
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,160
Yes, I have the gold. What the hell
do you think I'm doing here?
288
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,320
There you go.
289
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,320
CLUNK
290
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,760
Come on, it's just
a few thousand kilos.
291
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:11,560
Erm, yeah, so, I'll call you
once it's been converted
292
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,440
into sterling and that thing, yeah?
293
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,800
But you need my telephone number
if you're going to contact me.
294
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:21,000
Oh, e-mail. The telephone number
was attached to the e-mail.
295
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,920
Fantastic.
296
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,040
CAR BACKFIRES
297
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,040
Eh! What was that?
298
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,320
Hello there. It's me, Wolf Chambers.
299
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,400
And so far, you've seen me
brave the winds of Antarctica...
300
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,240
..suffer the heat of
the Sahara Desert...
301
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,400
..but now it is time
for me to endure
302
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,000
one of the most inhospitable
environments known to man.
303
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,440
Here we go.
304
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,160
CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS
305
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,520
Here we are in Notting Hill
Carnival.
306
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,840
It's crowded, it's loud,
and it's smelly.
307
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,480
Plenty of food and
beverages available,
308
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,680
but the queues are massive.
309
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,520
However, it could be worse.
310
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,600
I could be a female
in this environment,
311
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,160
in which case, of course,
no doubt plenty of mandem
312
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,680
would be trying to catch a wine
on this.
313
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,800
Even if I was butters.
314
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,320
Other dangers to look out for
include standing in piss
315
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:33,640
and of course,
policemen trying to dance.
316
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,720
OK, here we go. I'm being initiated.
317
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,560
The key to survival here is
not to panic, and hold on tight.
318
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:43,720
Here we go.
319
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,200
I'm doing it!
320
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,960
I'm doing it!
321
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,800
Notting Hill Carnival.
322
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,600
You've just got to hang on!
323
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,240
Bidda bye, bidda bo, bidda seebo P
324
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,760
This is a coronavirus bulletin
for man like me.
325
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,120
Hey, I don't know if any of you
have realised
326
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,280
but 2020 has been a madness.
327
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,440
And it was supposed to be my year.
My year!
328
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,240
Hear this. Black people are over
four times more likely
329
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,280
to die from Covid
than any white people.
330
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,280
That's right. Corona is like
the plague.
331
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,080
But it's racist as fuck!
332
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,680
It's like Nazi AIDS.
333
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,040
This pandemic got your average
brother on the street
334
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,880
looking like an upcoming drill
artist. Hold tight six, seven.
335
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,080
On the plus side,
lot of very peng galdem
336
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,480
doing some banging
workout vlogs right now.
337
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,120
My Wii Fit thinks
I'm ready for the Olympics!
338
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,120
Joe Wicks can fuck off
if he thinks man's doing
339
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,600
any of them burpee tings, though.
340
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,680
Yo! I never thought the apocalypse
would have so many graphs in it.
341
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,080
Man feels like he's doing his
GCSEs again.
342
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,920
Where are all the fucking zombies?
343
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,680
World star!
344
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,880
Supermarkets are more dangerous than
the roads right now.
345
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,120
Good job my ex-girlfriend left her
card details in my Deliveroo, innit?
346
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,280
Boy, all of these celebrities want
to be careful
347
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,600
about showing off their
lockdown mansions, though.
348
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,000
Cos my cousin, Ashley,
349
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,600
is straight up using it to
scope out his next job.
350
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,040
If you get what I'm saying?
351
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,040
HE LAUGHS
352
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,720
Hey, you, Scribs.
353
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,600
Cos Justin Bieber's got
bare tings in his yard.
354
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,760
Oi, that lamp'll look
nice in my place.
355
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,560
Bidda bye, bidda bo, bidda seebo P!
356
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,800
This a pandemic bulletin for man
like me.
357
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,960
Yes, and welcome back
to Catchphrase.
358
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,720
The game where uno have to say
what uno see.
359
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:26,560
We have with us Sean, who is true
to the quick-quick fire-fire round.
360
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,080
Sean, say what uno see.
361
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,160
Erm, puss and dog
nuh have the same luck.
362
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,720
Correct.
363
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,480
Nuh call alligator loudmouth
till you pass him.
364
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,960
Correct.
365
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,200
Same bird will carry the news come
and the same bird will take it away.
366
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,640
Correct. Oh, and look who it is.
367
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,560
It's Mr Plantain
for the final question.
368
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,280
AUDIENCE CHEER
369
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,280
But...what him a do?
370
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,080
What him a do? What him a do?
371
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,560
Erm, what him a do?
372
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,320
Erm...
373
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,480
Erm... Beg ya a clue, huh?
374
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,320
I can't give you a clue.
No, man. Erm...
375
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,440
Erm...
376
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,640
Erm...
377
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,560
Oh, look, we did run out of time.
Sorry, man.
378
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,000
No! Fuck this, man!
379
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,160
This plantain is
the bane of my existence!
380
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,840
Always trying to fuck up me money!
381
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,760
R-R-Rasta, you no have to do that.
R-Rasta, this bomboclaat!
382
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,360
Don't tell me what to do!
383
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,840
Don't tell me what to do!
384
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,520
Mi not insured!
385
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,320
Plantain! You call it plantain?
All of you?
386
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,400
PHONES BEEP
387
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,240
LAUGHING
388
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,320
It's a good gif.
389
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,880
I like it. Yeah, it's a gif.
390
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,280
That's a great fucking gif.
391
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,640
That's a gif right there.
392
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,440
Gentlemen,
393
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,720
great to see you all again.
394
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,640
I'm grateful you've travelled
from the various territories
395
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,120
to be here today.
396
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,160
London.
397
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,360
Reading.
398
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,400
And even Hull.
399
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,920
We all know why we're here.
400
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,000
Our WhatsApp group.
401
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,840
We've used it for years
402
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,040
to moan about the various sports
teams we're affiliated with,
403
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,640
to arrange pre-drinks,
404
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:12,120
to share images of the different
babushkas we've encountered.
405
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,360
but most importantly, for bants.
406
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,960
Gifs and shit we get from
the black Twitter.
407
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,240
But it has come to my attention
408
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:26,320
that one of us is no longer
satisfied with the group.
409
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:32,240
One of us this morning
committed the ultimate disrespect
410
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,280
and exited the group.
411
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,120
Mumbles.
412
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,960
Y-Yeah, boss.
413
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,360
Did you enjoy that gif
I sent you just now?
414
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:46,280
Yeah, it was...it was funny, boss.
You know. Ha-ha.
415
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,000
Funny, boss.
416
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,920
What was so funny about it, Mumbles?
417
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,160
OK. OK. I left the group.
418
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,480
It's just a WhatsApp group.
You know.
419
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:57,640
Come on.
420
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,400
BOSS LAUGHS MANIACALLY
421
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,520
GROUP LAUGHS
422
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,000
I really had you going there,
didn't I?
423
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,520
Had me going.
You had me going.
424
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,040
It's just a fucking WhatsApp group.
425
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,280
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a fucking
WhatsApp group.
426
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,960
And this is just a fucking
baseball bat.
427
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,560
Oh!
428
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,040
You ungrateful scum!
429
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,400
Jesus!
430
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,560
You're a disgrace to Reading
and also to your mother,
431
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,400
you fucking piece of shit!
432
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:41,560
Fuckin' Stevie Wonder lookin' ass
motherfucker!
433
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,120
BLOOD SPLATTERS,
BASEBALL BAT RINGS ON GROUND
434
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,960
Now, I'm going to send you all
a gif...
435
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,520
..of some kittens and a cucumber,
436
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,760
and you're all going to laugh.
437
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,080
PHONE BEEPS
438
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,120
PHONES DING
439
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,960
Oh, yeah, that's pretty funny, boss.
Huh? Huh?
440
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,000
Funny.
441
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,640
That's actually really funny.
442
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,040
Hey, you see th...?
Oh, yeah.
443
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,960
DOGS BARK
444
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,520
Mr Roberts?
445
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,640
Yes, my name is Prince Dunomagio
of the lower Congo region...
446
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,760
Yes, if you can give me
your bank account details,
447
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:19,880
I'll wire you the money...
448
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,680
OK. Goodbye. God bless you,
as well. Yes.
449
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,600
Fucking bastard children!
Why are they answering the phone?
450
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,680
Yeah, my name is
Prince Aliousi Islasis.
451
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,560
Don't be nervous. Please, don't...
452
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,200
Hello? I can wire the money
post-haste... Hello?
453
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,320
Hello, Mr Phillips?
454
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,840
Yes, my name is Prince Dunomagio...
455
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,160
If I could turn
456
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:47,560
Turn back the hand of time
457
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:55,080
Then Nigeria, you will be mine
458
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,400
If I had many babes...
459
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,560
But why?
460
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:04,960
HE SIGHS
461
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,240
Baby!
462
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,440
My baby!
463
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:17,480
Oh!
464
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,520
Oh, my gosh!
465
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,480
My lion tamer, my cherry picker,
my cow milker.
466
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,440
You have come to Peckham
to rescue me.
467
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,440
It is time to go home, my prince.
468
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:30,880
Indeed it is!
469
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,280
It really is.
470
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,040
However, I must do something first.
471
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,480
My name is Prince... Brothers!
472
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,000
Listen to me!
473
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,720
Hang up the phone,
hang up the phones.
474
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,200
Astronomical news!
475
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,800
I have been saved!
476
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,680
And so have you all!
477
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:50,240
Come with me now onto my private jet
where I will take you all back home,
478
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:55,440
and I will gift you palaces
with acres and acres of land
479
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,600
that stretch as far as the eyes
can see.
480
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,840
Swimming pools and elepcurtis...
Elecurtal... El...
481
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,160
The fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. That one.
You know the one, yeah?
482
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,680
Come on, brothers, let's go.
483
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,120
For we are now truly kings
and royalty again.
484
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,240
THEY LAUGH
485
00:23:16,290 --> 00:23:20,840
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