Original subtitles

HE WHISTLES

See you, baby.

So, Erano,

you have my merchandise?

Yes, my friend, I have the merchandise.

HE CLICKS FINGERS

Arturo, that's a lot of avocados.

Green gold, my friend.

Green gold.

But, you know, we're going to have to test it.

Of course.

HE WHOOPS Thomas?

It's very good, actually, yeah.

It seems my hipster, he, er,

he like it very much.

It is the best. But it's so expensive.

Hey, gentrification is everywhere, my friend.

You know, cafe owners come to me from everywhere -

Shoreditch, Brixton, Peckham.

Even people in Stratford want avocados these days.

As in, white people.

Listen to me, puta,

I have a business to run.

I going to need to put something on my sourdough toast.

Therefore, I going to have to TAKE the avocados, cabron.

GUNS CLICK

HE LAUGHS

I LOVE this guy.

Ha-ha!

You want my avocados?

Everybody wants my avocados.

Here it is.

Take it.

AVOCADO SQUELCHES

HE YELPS

Blackie!

HE WAILS

Arturo!

SHE SCREAMS

GUNSHOT

There we go.

ARTURO MOANS WEAKLY

You know,

in all my years,

I never even tasted an avocado.

Yuck.

White people be crazy.

Si.

THEY GROAN

Jason, we're so happy to have you home from university.

Jason, you were always our favourite nephew. Isn't he?

Mm. And, Patrick, you are welcome.

Jason tells us much about you, his best friend.

Always talking, talking, isn't it? Mm.

Um, listen, Aunties, about my friend...Patrick...

BOTH: Yes?

Well, he's not just...my friend.

BOTH: Yes?

I'm gay.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

Gay?

Gay?

You mean to tell me

this boy you brought here as your friend to my table

is actually your lover?

Well...

MUSIC STOPS

Hey, you have found love!

Oh, we thank God. Oh-oh!

And with such a handsome man like Patrick, hey?

Look at his eyebrows. Yes, on fleek. Yes.

You're not angry?

What for? You are happy, we are happy. Yes.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

Love knows no boundaries.

Yeah, love wins. Yes.

Wow.

Thank you, Aunties.

Don't worry, yeah? Come on, eat, eat.

Let's eat the assorted meat stew. Yes, come.

Oh, sorry, Aunties, um,

me and Patrick are vegan now.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Get out! You bastard!

Out of my house! Huh?

Bastard!

SOBBING: Oh, the devil has taken his soul

and turned him into a vegan.

THEY WAIL

What am I supposed to do with all of that assorted meat, huh?

Can you imagine? Not even dairy products.

Not even a boiled egg. Yeah.

No assorted meat.

No shaki. No shaki.

No banku. He can have the banku, you know.

Can he? Yes, it's just corn and cassava.

Oh, I didn't know. We thank God. Yes, we thank God.

THEY WAIL

SCREAMING: Vegan!

He's vegan!

OK, so, we need to talk about department budget overview.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Sorry to interrupt.

Charlene, there is a...drillagram for you.

Drillagram?

What on Earth's a drillagram?

Mind out, mind out, mind out, mind out.

DRILL MUSIC PLAYS

Oi, you lot don't know this,

but it's your girl Charlene's birthday,

and her boyfriend Phil got us to do this message.

It's going to be a bit of a sticky one, still.

You get me, Charlene?

Blow out your candles, stand at that cake

Get dipped, stand up, take some pics

Post on Instagram, Snapchat

Crack that bottle of champers and take some sips

In France they say bon anniversaire

Shout out all the mandem that's here

Like Lynn from accounts, Tim from HR

And your line manager, Claire

Oi, let's not forget your boyfriend, Phil

He's a good boyfriend still

Could've gave you a bog-standard birthday card

But your boy went drill

And he's taking you out for a slap-up meal

At a fancy bar and grill

And word on the road is he got you a hot-air balloon

Flying over a hill...

ALL: Who's the birthday girl? You're the birthday girl

You're the birthday girl

Who's the birthday girl? You're the birthday girl

Whoop, whoop, whoop

Who's the birthday girl? You're the birthday girl

You're the birthday girl

Who's the birthday girl? You're the birthday girl

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

Cuz. All right.

Man coming with, though.

Some gluten-free ting, still.

So, Marie, as you were saying, about...

HE BANGS DOOR

Your man going to validate

this parking ting, or...?

SHE LAUGHS

That's great. Welcome back.

You're watching Cooking With Sue And Tim, with me, Sue...

And me, Oluwafemi. Because Tim's got the flu at the moment.

Get well soon, Tim. Now, before the break,

we cooked some lovely, traditional jerk chicken.

But now it's time for a special treat

as we learn how to prepare white people chicken.

Mm, white people chicken. So underrated.

So, we have our chicken here,

and the first thing we're going to do is take our herbs and spices

and put them in the cupboard.

Yeah, we won't be needing those.

And then we take our chicken and we put it in the oven.

So, to recap, to cook your white people chicken,

put the chicken in the oven.

And there we have it.

Isn't it glorious? It is, Sue. So beige.

Exactly. Lovely and beige.

The beiger, the better.

Shall we tuck in? Yes, please.

SHE CHUCKLES

Mm. Mm. Indeed.

You know what's really great?

I can just really taste the chicken.

Exactly. There's no pesky herbs or spices or flavour

getting in the way.

I hope this doesn't sound strange,

but I imagine this is what white people taste like.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, trust me, Sue,

it is.

CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYS

OK, so. 2020.

It's going to start off just sort of normal,

people laying into Meghan Markle a little.

And then - bam!

Global pandemic!

And it's going to be so horrible and so deadly

that the whole world is going to go into lockdown

for months.

So what's the last thing you want to happen

when everyone's locked down and a little crazy?

Um... Yup, you guessed it!

The cops are going to kill another black person.

Of course they are.

So then, Black Lives Matter will start protesting

and just, like, pulling down statues of slave traders.

And then Donald Trump will tell everyone to drink bleach.

Look, Jesus, I... Bats!

Boris gets it!

Kanye West will run for president!

And then there are going to be these murder hornets.

Murder hornets? Yeah, murder f...

Yeah, OK, maybe the murder hornets are a bit far-fetched.

No, the murder hornets are good. They'll come later.

Well, Jesus, we are flattered that you would come to us first,

but we are the BBC.

A TV show like this is going to need a big budget.

Maybe you want to go to HBO or Netflix?

Oh, no, this isn't a TV show. This is going to happen.

This...is going to happen?

Yeah.

What do you think?

I think this is horrible.

Isn't it? That's exactly what I was going for!

Ha! Really great notes, guys.

Really, really helpful. I've got to call my dad.

Catch you in 2021.

Maybe!

CELESTIAL MUSIC PLAYS

This one goes out to all the interracial couples.

MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF YOU SEXY THING BY HOT CHOCOLATE

All of the interracial couples who are used

for selling things in adverts.

Come on.

You can't resist the swirl. That's right.

You're an interracial couple in an advert

Black girl and a white guy in a T-shirt...

Holy shit, that's Jake Gyllenhaal.

You're an interracial couple in an advert

For the purpose of the product, they're together...

Wow, that's real love.

Tear those boxes, break down those walls

In advertising you've got to have balls

Come on, I said make one black, make one white

Put them together, everything's right

Years ago they'd keep it out of sight

But these commercials are dynamite

Halifax, DFS, Ikea

Maccy D's, Domino's, Santander

Specsavers, Sainsbury's, B&Q

Not Waitrose, but Nike and Clear Blue

These interracial couples selling stuff

These interracial couples selling stuff

These interracial couples selling stuff

These interracial couples selling stuff.

And remember, buy Octavia yoghurt.

I promise, this is actually my wife.

HE LAUGHS Oh, darling, got a bit of yog there.

Delish.

One, two, three, hit it.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

There's more where that came from!

Send.

Yes!

HE LAUGHS

Woo! That is brilliant.

Yes! He loved it. He LOVED it!

This is going to kill.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Yo, man, everything all right?

Yeah, why?

One minute, you were...you were replying and laughing

to all those memes and gifs I was sending you,

and then you just stopped.

To be honest man, um,

all the texts,

it's kind of jarring, man. But you were laughing.

I mean, you were...you were laughing out loud.

I wasn't laughing. I was being polite.

You mean, you...you...

You were faking it?

You were faking it this whole time?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Who does that?

Who says they're LOLing when they're not actually LOLing?

A lot of people do that. Well, when I say "LOL,"

I mean it! When I say "LOL,"

it's because I'm laughing out loud!

What about all those crying with laughter emojis you sent?

I suppose that was all bullcrap, too!

You weren't crying with laughter at all, were you, Matt?!

Mate... Emojis stand for emotions, Matt!

And you have played with mine for far too long with your lies!

Mate!

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, I pranked you.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah?

Yes! Jesus! Ha-ha!

OK. Cool.

That was funny. All right, see you. So, listen, I'll...

PHONE PINGS

HE SOBS

Yo, this is a message for the so-called Stratford Soldiers,

from the E19 Posse.

Mm. ALL: Mm, mm.

Listen, look at our brand-new ride, though.

Yeah, fresh ting. You, man, had better stay off these streets,

or else. Rat-tat-ta-ta!

ALL: Rat-tat-ta-ta!

Yo, this is the Stratford Soldiers.

We got your message, and we've got a message for you!

Did you know that there's more carbon dioxide

in our atmosphere now than at any other time

in the last million years?

And a huge percentage of that is caused by road transport.

Haven't you been listening to Greta Thunberg?

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Message over!

Boom! Listen, Stratford Soldiers.

We got your message, given it some thought,

and you're right, still. Mm?

ALL: Mm, mm.

So, we sold the G Wagon and we bought a little G-Wiz ting.

Mm! Yes, more compact.

It won't fit all the mandem, but it's electric,

it's good for the environment,

and it's got one of them little cute cup holders, bruv.

That's great work, E19 Posse!

We respect you for making that change.

Oh, and we're not the Stratford Soldiers any more.

We're the Stratford Eco Warriors.

Come on, boys.

Let's go and get some aubergine sausages from that new vegan cafe

on the Brecknock Road.

BIKE BELLS TINKLE

Brecknock Road? You man are on our block again?!

Listen, Jamal, fire up the G-Wiz ting.

The battery's still charging.

It's going to take about the next 16 hours.

Well, then call man a fuckin' Uber, then!

Furthermore, you man's bikes were dead. Dead!

That weren't no BMX! Relax, relax. Chill.

Where were the gears, cuz? That weren't no Carrera! You mans...

Excuse me, please.

I'm a little torn between the coconut oil and the macadamia oil.

Which one do you think is better?

Ah, well, well.

Both the macadamia and coconut are both very, very good products,

but I would personally be recommending the macadamia

for that smooth and silky shine,

because you are worth it, madam.

Is something the matter? Perhaps you are not understanding

my thick Indian accent.

No, no, it's fine, it's fine.

I was also looking at those wigs over there. Ah! Well, well!

These particular wigs come all the way from China

and are world-class.

Top, top quality, madam.

Sorry, I think you've got something on your...

I have something on my face? My Indian face?

Yeah, if you could just... No, no, madam, it is fine.

I'm fine. I am Indian and it is...

Argh! Argh!

Are you fuck, mate!

IN ENGLISH ACCENT: Shit. Look, please don't tell anyone.

I'm going to report you! Do you know how inappropriate this is?

I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just...

HE SIGHS

All my life, I've dreamed of owning

my own Afro-Caribbean hair and hair products shop.

That was never going to happen.

Look at me.

I'm black.

We don't buy from each other.

You ask yourself, would you have come to buy

your hair and hair products from me if I wasn't

an Indian-slash-Pakistani man?

I did what I had to do to fulfil my dream.

Is that such a bad thing?

Hang on a minute. Yes. Yes, it is a bad thing.

It's terrible.

You were making your head wobble and everything.

Dressing up and appropriating other people's cultures is wrong.

Always!

I can do you two-for-one on those Chinese wigs.

Yes, please. They are fabulous!

IN INDIAN ACCENT: Very, very good. No. OK.

COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS ON STEEL DRUMS

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS Yes, and welcome back to Countdown,

the game show about spelling an' ting.

Sean. Mm.

Tell me girl Carol which letters you want 'pon the board.

All right, then, Carol.

Ooh, well, Carol,

I can put two pickney in ya barrel.

Mm. Give me a vowel.

Mm.

And another vowel.

CHANTS: And a consonant.

And a vowel.

And another vowel, and a consonant.

And a consonant. Gimme a vowel.

HE BEATS A RHYTHM

And another vowel, and a consonant, and a consonant.

SHELLY SINGS RHYTHMICALLY

Now, take two vowel, and take a

boom, boom skin up...

Put it 'pon the board, put it, put it 'pon the board.

And a vowel, and a consonant, and another vowel, and a consonant.

Another vowel. And a consonant!

THEY CHANT AND SING

Boy, boy, you take it too far,

you have enough letter 'pon the board there.

Right, Ebenezer, run the rhythm, Rasta.

Good to go!

Wind your waist up and bounce around

And then swing your teeth up and thunderclap

And then shake a foot like you're at the carnival

Then you hear the Countdown conundrum is

Letters, numbers, hell of a cock, boom!

Um...Sean.

How many letters in your word?

Me have six letters in my word.

And my word is BOKKLE.

Like, you know when you have a nice BOKKLE of Guinness.

Shelly Ann, how many letters in your word?

My word is PINGWINGS.

Like them something they find in South Pole or in the flim, um...

What the flim name again? What the flim name? Um... Appy Feet.

Sensational. And me brother, Roy,

how many letters your word did have?

Wha'...? Wha' you say?

My brother Roy has the right idea. That's... That's a vibe still.

Burn these letters and tings and let's shake a foot! Come on!

MUSIC PLAYS

HIGH-PITCHED BEEP

Oh, my God, guys, so what about that ending to Game Of Thrones?

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! Don't say anything, I haven't seen it.

OK, anyway...

Nothing tops the Red Wedding. Ooh!

Look, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! I haven't seen it!

You haven't seen the Red Wedding?

What the fuck?! Where are you up to?

Season one.

THEY GROAN

I've just started, so please, no spoilers about anything,

especially the Red Wedding.

Thing is, Dave,

we really want to talk about Game Of Thrones.

All of it.

Yes. Yes, we would.

Well, you...you can't.

It's OK. We understand.

MUSICIANS PLAY SOFTLY

Guys, what's happening?

We just...

..don't want to spoil anything for you, Dave.

BLADE UNSHEATHES

Right, now we can talk about

the final episode of Game Of Thrones.

Ooh, actually, have you guys been watching

the new series of Killing Eve?

Now, THAT we need to talk about!

GASP

I've seen that.

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Me n'affi ask weh dem put up dem hands for

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer 21, watch 'ya

Rumble in di jungle, step to dis You're sure to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

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