Original subtitles

- Neens... - Nina. - ..I'd hate for there to be a chasm between us.

- Will you be my Maid of Honour? - Yeah!

Nina's got a boyfriend!

- Do you want to be my plus one? - Yeah.

There's this lady called Dr Catherine Dunne

and she's looking for people to go the Isle of Wight

and work with her, and I applied.

We are meeting a few more people but we'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Here We Gyros is a great indulgence of mine.

You know what they say, what happeneth in Rothesay,

stayeth in Rothesay.

It's just family dinner. No Ranesh. Should be chill.

Burying stuff's my speciality.

Let's avoid all things Rothesay.

We get through this together and then tomorrow we'll Bill Murray it.

- Nina? - You asked me to give you the details of the wedding and I did.

You didn't reply.

- No, no, Nina, wait... - Please don't touch me, please.

I think you need to tell him.

Now I get my one big moment where it's all about me

for the first time in my life and you won't let me have it!

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

So then she invites this slip of a man into my life

without any warning and, and she makes me mask

in front of his tiny spectacled dad.

And, and, and then she-she ruined my date

and made me go to a dress fitting

where a parrot watched me getting changed

and she knows how much I hate birds.

And then...and then she cheated on her fiance in Rothesay

with some man who doesn't believe in the moon

and, and after she's done all of that, she says to me that I'm...

..that I'm...

..that I'm a burden.

Die! Die!

They're zombies. They're dead already.

You know, I never... I never had to add anything

or take anything away for Evie.

She just...she just liked me for who I was

and then this man arrived and she got engaged

and she started changing

and making me do things that I didn't want to do.

And tomorrow, at her wedding,

I'm going to have to do more stuff I don't like,

like smile at strangers and-and wave and lie

and I don't even have a plus one.

- VIDEO GAME: - Round 2.

I'm not going.

Do you know the 2008 romcom Made Of Honour with Patrick Dempsey?

He does the right thing because he's made of honour.

You see? M-A-D-E Of Honour.

You see, it-it...

- It's a funny joke. - Ha.

Evie getting married is a good thing.

It means you'll be able to concentrate

on becoming a Dunne footnote.

Haven't heard back about that.

Oh, well, my, er, reference interview with them went well.

So, er, yeah, hold your nerve.

- VIDEO GAME: - Level complete.

If the asteroid hadn't hit the Earth,

would the dinosaurs still be alive?

No.

And if this chap hadn't come along, it would have been someone else.

The time of you and Evie living closely must end,

like all geological time periods.

If it never did, you'd never know where you could have gone.

You have to go to the wedding.

SHE GROANS

Fine.

I'm-I'm going to fix my face and I'm going to go to the wedding.

But I draw the line at doing Loch Lomond.

- I'm not linking arms with strangers. - Hm.

Made Of Honour?

Gemma enjoys Noughties romcoms.

And I must admit I did...somewhat enjoy it.

Patrick Dempsey, eh?

Well, it's those baby blues.

Declan, you hound.

DOORBELL RINGS

Come on!

DOORBELL RINGS

- How are you doing there, Shagrid? - I'm fine, thank you.

- Are you sure? - Mm-hm. - Cos your sister's marrying

a fat-free yoghurt in a Ted Baker suit.

I'm going to fix my face and be a silent and compliant MOH

until I'm allowed to go home.

Beautiful. Well, I'm excited. There's an open bar.

Please don't flirt with Amber tonight.

She texted me a selfie outside my primary school.

That's so creepy!

Maybe she won't turn up.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Phase Two started 25 minutes ago!

The father of the groom's already here.

Hi, Bo.

I have your corsage.

I took my nail scissors and cut the flowers from the botanical gardens.

Gorgeous, aren't they?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're not meant to do that,

but do you know what? Not my problem.

Everyone's in the kitchen, Nina.

There you go, Bo.

- WHISPERS: - Help me!

WHISPERS: Fuck off!

There.

SHE SNIFFS

Mmm.

Crafty wee chin fuckers!

- Hello, Mum. - Where's the shoe polish?

- Hello, Dad. - It's in the cupboard of stuff!

PHONE RINGS

- Hello, Sachin. - And unto you.

No, it's not here.

Have you looked? If I come over there and I see the shoe polish,

- I'm going to be... - Here it is!

- Argh! - Don't worry, pal.

You're safe this time.

- Did I tell you I'm a songwriter, Sachin? - Oh, dear Christ. - Yeah.

VOICEMAIL: You have one new message.

Press one... To listen to the message, press two.

To delete the mes... New message.

- VOICEMAIL MESSAGE: - Hi, Shane, it's Nina.

Oops! Only joking.

SHANE LAUGHS

Anyway, as it's your day off, I took the liberty of checking your emails.

I suspected news about the dig would come in...

KNOCKING

Evie?

I know you said that I wasn't to talk to you but...

..I got offered a post-doc position.

Whoa.

I'm going to be sick.

- No, it's good news. - No...

..I need to tell Ranesh what happened on the hen do.

- You were right. - No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What do you mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no?!

It is 93 minutes before your wedding and people will be arriving soon.

You told me to tell him!

Not on Phase Two of your wedding morning, Evie!

I love him.

Like, really love him.

And I can't marry this man with all this integrity

without being honest with him.

You know this will ruin the wedding?

Oh, it doesn't matter about the wedding.

It's about the marriage.

I should have listened to you.

- OK. Do you want me to fetch him? - Yeah.

- Right. - But I can't do it by myself.

No, I'll-I'll stay with you.

I'll stand beside you, but you just have to tell me when my presence

becomes overbearing or weird, because I don't know.

- OK. - OK.

- OK. - OK. OK, OK.

So just to check -

92 minutes before you get married,

you want to tell your fiance that you drunkenly

kissed a man in Rothesay who doesn't believe in gravity?

- Mm-hm. - OK.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

I don't know what you think you heard, but...

- Did you say something? - Just practising my speech!

Nina. Amber wants me. Like, a lot.

She's right up my arse! You need to help me.

- No! Have you seen Ranesh? - Who?

Oh, no.

# Baby, I just can't get enough! #

Sachin, have you seen Ranesh?

# Taste of love Whoa, whoa! #

- Ranesh? - Ah! Don't look at me!

Oh!

There you are. Where is Bo?

- Also, we're way behind on your hair and make-up. - No.

I did a hair and beauty short course! Why does no-one trust me?!

- Have you seen Ranesh? - Yeah.

I did see him go out the front door two minutes ago.

I'm just going to pop outside for a spot of air

with my good friend, Ranesh. So you hold down the fort.

So, you need me to be MOH? Interim MOH?

Interim MOH. Well done.

Nina, I can do this.

- You can. - So what's going on?

None of your business! Interim MOH.

Yes! MOH!

I said I'd be your plus one for the wedding, so...

..here I am. I'm-I'm your plus one to the wedding.

This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

You think the flowers are cheesy.

They're too much. I can see that now. The thing is I...

Is... The other... When...

HE STAMMERS

At the party... W-W-What, what, what, what it was...

- No, what it is, is... - I'm going to stop you right there.

The groom... WHISPERS: ..we've lost him.

God.

- He's dead? - No, no, no!

Um, Ranesh found out about Evie kissing your weird friend, Euan,

- in Rothesay and he's run off. - Oh.

Fucking Euan!

I mean, a wedding without a groom is like a...

- Well, it's not ideal, is it? - We need to find him.

I've got the van around the corner.

Er, sorry about the, um...the mess.

I, er...I don't usually have visitors.

Or anyone, really. I'm quite lonely.

- So where's he going to be? - I don't know.

Right. Er, where does he live?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

OK.

He's just this little intrusive thought who's always at my flat.

I've never asked him anything about himself.

Where would he go at a time of emotional crisis?

Our flat, but I refused to give him the spare key.

Has he ever mentioned anywhere that's special to him?

- Our flat? - The flat, yeah.

Oh, I... I don't know anything about him.

Wait. Wait.

He and Evie are always telling this boring story,

it's the same boring story, it's about their first date.

They went to...

..feminist poetry slam at the bandstand!

And I thought our first date was bad!

- This is serious. - Yeah. Sorry.

- Bandstand? - Bandstand!

ENGINE STARTS

Amber, what's going on? Where's Nina?

I've told you. She has a tape worm.

Anyway, let me finish running through my speech with you.

Ranesh!

- Ranesh! - Ranesh!

Ranesh!

- Ranesh! - Nesh-Nesh!

Ranesh! Ranesh!

RANEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH!

My name's Gavin.

I don't think he's here.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me. Hello.

Are you still getting air with Ranesh?

Here's the scoop, Amber.

Evie kissed Euan when we were in Rothesay

and Ranesh has found out about it and he's run away and I don't know

where to look for him because I don't know anything about him,

because when he talks, I zone him out.

And Evie can't know any thing about this, do you understand?

OK.

ON PHONE: OK.

I'll call you if I get any updates.

- Give me the phone. - You never told me. - Give me the phone!

- Why didn't you tell me? - Shut up! - I thought we were best friends.

So, you're Ranesh.

You've got a concave arse and you're panicking.

- Where do you go? - Fuck!

Where do you go when you're stressed out?

Somewhere where I can eat a lot of grease.

That's not Ranesh. He-he's a...

He's a "do some transcendental meditation, have a 15K" type of guy.

Hmm, I don't know.

Everyone's got some weird gross side not everyone knows about.

- Hmm. Not Ranesh. - Even Ranesh.

He was designed in a lab to have a low BMI and a high irritation point.

- I promise you. The guy's got layers. - He doesn't.

People be surprisin'.

- Do you know the food van Here We Gyros? - Of course I do!

- BOTH: - Let's go!

Of course he's not here.

Oh, I've ruined everything.

I should have just let it go. This is all my fault.

Well...you didn't kiss Euan.

Look. Um, things were a bit weird

the last time I saw you and I just... I want...

Oh, my God!

Hey, Neshy.

I'm going to...

I know that you and I have had somewhat of a chequered past

and you're very upset that Evie kissed someone...

It's not about her kissing someone.

It's that she didn't tell me.

Anyway, what are you doing here, Nina?

We both know you've never liked me.

- Was it very obvious? - Yes!

I've tried everything to connect to you spiritually.

Pasta from Firenze.

Tea! I brewed you my finest lapsang souchong!

And the other day, when I read you my vows,

I opened up my soul like a tap!

I know, but it's...

But nothing worked.

It was never about me.

Evie's engagement hit your life like an asteroid.

And you just couldn't bear to let her go.

Maybe you're right.

I called you a soya boy wet wipe and a host of other things.

It was only because it felt like

everything you were doing was pretend.

It-it felt like you were constantly pretending

and that's really confusing!

Have you ever actually been to Firenze?

- SHE GASPS - But it is on my "to-do" list.

That betrayal aside...

..I was wrong.

I was wrong about you.

This is you and it's all right.

It's all right! You're allowed to eat a kebab.

I mean, it's bad for your gut biome, but you like it

and it tastes delicious and Evie loves kebabs!

Oh, no! No, no, she doesn't!

She finds them too heavy and greasy!

That's a lie! She loves kebabs!

I've watched her throwback 'babs with the best of them!

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

You and her are perfect for each other.

You're meant to be.

Will you please come talk to Evie?

I think he's got quite a nice arse.

Mm. It's only concave in pictures.

Hurry up, Sauce Pervert.

Hello, Nina. Lee. Ranesh. Everyone's waiting in the garden.

The celebrant says they have a tight turnaround.

Amber, they need to talk first.

OK. Why don't you go and remove the mayonnaise from the groom's hair?

Hmm. OK.

So Evie does know, but...

Amber, I told you not to tell her!

Nina! I've been MOH eight times before,

this is not my first jilting.

I know what I'm doing.

I mean, Evie did sort of try to run away. She was very stressed.

But I managed to catch her.

We had a very productive dialogue and calmly resolved the situation.

THUDDING

Amber, where's Evie?

BANGING

You locked me in the shed, Amber!

- Oh, no. Are you, like, angry that I locked you in a shed? - No.

I'm fucking furious!

AMBER LAUGHS

I'm going to go...

..change my tampon.

She's...

..dedicated.

He literally ran away from me.

That's true, but he came back.

- He did? - Mm.

He didn't have to, but he came back and he wants to speak to you.

- Oh, he's never going to forgive me. - Of course he will.

How do you know that?

Because...

..you're easy to forgive, Evie.

About that stuff that I said the other day...

It's fine. It was...

It was your turn to be blunt and interesting.

No. I was nasty and I really regret it.

I'm really sorry.

I know.

Right. You're going to go in there,

you're going to be 100% honest with each other.

No shenanigans,

no nonsense.

Just be Evie.

Preferably in the next nine minutes.

- OK. - OK.

- You've got this! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Mm-hm. - You're good.

- Nah, you can't see it at all. - Right.

There and there.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

- Come on, Lee. - Er, can you stay?

CHAIRS CREAK

I could stand here

and say that I respect every decision a woman makes,

- but I'm not going to do that. - OK.

Because I'm hurt that you kissed someone and didn't tell me.

You've made a mockery of all that we've built together

- over the last 12 weeks. - But that kiss, it was just...

No. It's not about the kiss.

It's about being open and honest with one another in perpetuity.

That's what you're supposed to do when you want to be with someone.

- So we just need... - I'm obsessed with Real Housewives!

Sometimes I wish I was a housewife.

I'm 30 and I am genuinely terrified of my dad.

WHISPERS: He is scary.

I have never seen a Sofia Coppola film.

- I've never seen a Sofia Coppola film! - Shut up!

I've actually shat myself on multiple Greek islands!

I have no idea what a gut biome is.

I have no friends! Apart from a woman that can't be

within 50 feet of the kid from Love Actually.

- That's Amber, not me. - Right.

I have auditioned for Britain's Got Talent four times!

And I'm really scared that I'm boring.

I know on the outside I'm this sweet, sassy, confident redhead,

who's a perfect mix of Carrie and Charlotte all at once,

But inside, there's a part of me that is really horrible

and ugly and destructive and it scares me.

Me too!

- Wow! - Wow! - Wow!

- Yeah! - God, that was better than an ultramarathon!

We should just tell each other exactly what we're thinking

and feeling every second of every day.

That's not practical.

- No more lies! Ever! - Ever! We'll share everything!

Will you marry me?

Yeah.

Go on, then.

You may now kiss the bride.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# This is where I lay my heart

# Is where I lay my heart

# Is where I lay my heart... #

# By yon Bonnie banks and by yon Bonnie braes

# Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

# Where me and my true love will never meet again... #

You look happy.

- I did it, lurch! - Did what?

I broke up with Hilda!

No!

Something about that ceremony just really touched a nerve.

Oh, bawbag!

You know, there's no going back now.

Ah! I've ruined my life.

No, you haven't! No! Don't phone her.

She's like the world's most boring witch.

Her only spell is making you feel sad!

She's Dr Dunne it!

We're so proud of you, darling! Mwah!

- How did you find out? - Evie's been telling everyone.

My daughter. A doctor!

Mum, I got my post-doctorate, like, four years ago.

- I know. I just like saying it. - THEY CHUCKLE

To the Isle of Wight!

Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight!

Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight!

Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight!

You two are like gonky Normal People.

Hmm. Abnormal People.

- Don't phone her! - Roger that.

Me, I'm going to go and Roger that.

Gets right in there!

You're not going to ask me to dance, are you?

- Absolutely not. - OK, good!

So...

..I'm, er...I'm guessing you got the post doc, then?

How do you know?

"Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight!"

It's great news.

Are you going to take it?

I think so.

- I mean, I know so, yeah. - Yeah.

You were going to say something,

when you, um...turned up at my door with flowers.

I did pull away from you.

I don't usually get to this bit, Nina.

I just feel like you get me and not everyone does.

And then you asked me out and I was buzzing

and then you say, "I'm going to the Isle of Wight,"

And I thought, "All right. Well...

"Well, that's that done, then."

I confused you?

I've been confusing?

Usually, I'm the straightforward one.

Didn't occur to me that I could have both.

Well, we can.

But do you want both things?

It's like...

..I can see the dig.

And I want so badly to be part of a discovery that's bigger than me

and bigger than my life will ever be, but...

..I also...I want you.

I really want to give this a try.

But I'm not good with people and I'm not good at relationships.

Well, that sounds like an unproven hypothesis.

It would be silly to start something romantic.

Yep. And we don't even know what this is yet, so it's, um...

- Reckless? - ..illogical.

Illogical.

Sometimes life isn't logical.

Knutsford!

What?

Knutsford.

It's...it's 225 miles from Glasgow

and it's 225 miles from the Isle of Wight.

Slap bang in the middle.

And, er, yeah, I searched that online.

And you wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure that out.

Anyway, if we want to make this work, then...

..why don't we meet there? In a year's time.

My post doc is only six months.

OK.

Six months. Knutsford!

Well, by then I'll probably just be back in Glasgow,

- so we could just... - Nina, I'm being romantic.

- Knutsford. - Knutsford.

I want to go.

I should probably go too.

Imagine if I just hung about after you left?!

- I won't. - You can if you want. My family like you.

- Nina? - Hmm?

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Good luck.

Night-night, bawbag!

- Bye, Nina. - Bye, Nina.

Nina!

Did you see Bo and Amber?!

Yeah! Do you know what? He's got a type.

- Out of the frying pan... - Hmm.

I keep thinking,

what if they don't have Wheat Puffs on the Isle of Wight?

No, I checked. Nearly every major supermarket in the UK sells them.

- But you'll pack some? - Yes. - Just to be safe. - Yes.

Were you trying to sneak off without saying bye?

You know, you'll be away by the time I get back from my honeymoon.

Yeah.

I wanted to, but you looked like you were having fun.

Plus, I've got a job to accept, and I'm exhausted.

I should get back...

..to my husband.

SHE LAUGHS

OK.

Bye, Nina.

# You reach

# But your feet never left the ground

# Tell somebody

# Please

# Please

# Please

# Tell somebody

# Please

# Please

# Please

# Please

# Please

# Please

# Please

# Tell somebody

# Tell somebody

# Tell somebody

# Many bodies feel the drop And everybody go. #