Original subtitles

- Will you be my maid of honour? - Yeah! - Woo!

It's Mad Amber!

After eight tries as MOH,

I'm actually so relieved to just be a bridesmaid this time.

You could be digging these up on the Isle of Wight.

You should apply.

- Well, it's a big day, isn't it? - Yeah, it is. I have a date.

- Dress-fitting! - No, I have a date. - No, you have a dress-fitting.

I can do both.

- Oh! - Sh... Oh, sorry!

Must be quite a stimulating space for you, Nina?

FUUUCK!

I'm sorry about today.

I'm really sorry, too.

- Night, Nina. - Night, Evie.

- RANESH: - Night, Nin-Meister.

Save it for the second date!

Is there a second date?

If you have the time.

Look, Nina, I know that Amber and Mum really grind your gears

but this is my last weekend of freedom.

- There'll be no drama. - No.

Just all my favourite people in my favourite place,

getting fucked up away from Glasgow,

creating hilarious stories that I'm going to tell forever.

I've tried my best to plan you a lovely hen-do away in Rothesay,

but please do keep in mind, Evie, it is still Rothesay.

Yeah!

But it's the sort of place where we can really go wild.

- GIRLS! - Woooooo!

Ohhh-hoo-hoo-hoooo!

Oh, Evie!

- Aw! Your last weekend of freedom with all us girls! - Hi!

So, who are we still waiting on?

Amber and Mum were the only two people

that paid the deposit on time.

- Oh... - It's fine.

This is all we need!

This is all we need.

Who doesn't let the girl be Rose on their own hen party?

My heart will go on for you, Evie.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that's it!

That...that's Rothesay, isn't it?

Oh, let's get fucked uppppppppppp!

ALL SCREAM

Nina, get in here!

OGGY, OGGY, OGGY!

OI, OI, OI!

Oh! This is all we need!

- DIANE, EVIE, AMBER: - THIS IS ALL WE NEED!

It's exactly the same!

It's exactly the same.

Now, this island has no idea what's coming to it!

Shall we ask him for information?

If you want to get groped. Is that absinthe?

Nina, look...

You used to love those Victorian toilets.

You used to say, "I can't believe I'm sitting on history."

Shitting on history.

I didn't have the heart to tell you they were renovated in the '90s.

So, Nina, where to first?

Oooh, just you wait and see.

- To the sesh! - Woo!

Oh, I'll get the bags, then.

Nice bags, darling.

Thank you for the help, you pervert.

Welcome to mini golf with a twist!

Each hole represents one of your many, many, many exes.

With the final hole being...

The ultimate hole of your gorgeous future husband, Ranesh.

Wow!

What an amazing shock!

Look at all my failed relationships!

Nina, you did so well to plan this all by yourself.

I still get sweet texts from that one.

Mum, he's a scammer!

I bought his Bitcoins.

She was a bawbag.

She never laughed at my jokes.

And I'm funny!

- She never deserved you, Evie. - Mm.

Now Evie's onto the last hole!

Woohoo!

Evie, isn't it crazy?

Everywhere you go, Ranesh will be there.

You wake up, he's there.

You go to bed, he's there.

Just him, always and forever!

You're the luckiest girl in the world!

Manifest it, babe.

Put your ball in his hole, Evie!

Visualise walking down that aisle.

Ranesh forevs!

You have to really want this, Evie!

Awwwww!

Not to worry, darling.

Yeah, Ranesh is really hard.

Right, Nina,

where to next?

Beach, then B&B!

Woohoo!

Ohhh!

Suitcases!

Shite-hawks!

Come and join me, girls!

It's really not cold at all!

Yeah! Just putting on sun cream!

Woooo!

God, that's depressing.

Nina, when's it all going to kick off?

We've been here for like three hours and we've not had any...oomph!

You said you wanted to come to the beach,

so I brought you to the beach.

I've got this scheduled for another two hours.

Look, no offence intended in the slightest, Nina,

this sesh is worse than my grandad's funeral -

and he fell out the coffin!

This is Evie's final chance to get fucked up

before she's chained to

the beautiful ball and chain that is Ranesh,

and we need to make the most of it.

God, he's great.

Amber, can you stop with the Ranesh praising?

My point is, this has to be the send-off that Evie deserves.

We're going to need something stronger than absinthe.

I'm freezing my tits off, but I feel alive!

I'm talking about...

..drugs.

Oh, my God!

Yeah! Please!

- How the hell are we getting drugs in Rothesay? - Yeah, good point.

OK. Nina, you look after Mum. We're going to go find some drugs.

Er, why do you assume that I don't know how to get that kind of stuff?

I know that Mum treats me like a toddler,

but I know how to procure drugs.

- Oh, do you now? - Yes, I do!

Oh, I'm going to go phone my drug friend...

..who knows about drugs.

She's so full of surprises.

Who knew?

I'm serious, Bo.

I'm sorry.

I'm just picturing you holed up on a cocaine farm

wi' two guns in your pants and a dead hooker in the boot.

BO GUFFAWS

What do you want drugs for, anyway?

Can you help me or can't you?

You know, my days of uppers are behind me, Nina.

Are you not at Ranesh's stag? Does he not have any?

Well, he refuses to call it a stag

cos of the patriarchal associations.

Hang on.

I will activate my blue tit and gain one worm and two wheat.

And...

..I've done it!

I've diversified the wetlands!

Yes!

I knew I would! I knew I would!

Yeah, there's no drugs here.

Can you have, like, a wee scramble about, and see if you can find some,

and then bring them to me?

Afraid not. I'm actually not allowed to set foot in Rothesay

after I punched that swan.

Nina! You're from Glasgow.

Even you will know someone that knows someone.

Just think about the coolest person you know.

Someone that works a minimum wage job,

but never seems to be worried about money.

That guy, he's probably selling something.

OK, Bo. Love you. Bye.

CALL END TONE

Love...

What do they say? Birds of a feather flock together.

Unless you're me - the winner!

Yes!

RINGING TONE

Hello?

NINA BREATHES DEEPLY

MOBILE RINGS

Hi!

Who is this?

This is, um, Nina -

from the museum and the date.

I fell in the toilet.

Yeah. You don't need to say, "Nina from..."

You're actually the only Nina I know.

You're my one and only Nina.

RAPID TAPPING

Are you...jumping?

No! Erm, just fixing my coat.

Ahem...

Do you, um, perchance...

..dabble...

WHISPERS: ..in drugs?

Let me cut to the chase here, friend.

I am three-hours deep in a hen party where I am maid of honour,

and nothing fun nor epic has happened.

And, as maid of honour, it's within my remit to create fun

and epic-ness, so could you bring me drugs,

so I can make something fun happen?

Drugs?

Drugs! Drugs!

Drugs. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I can. I mean, I'm-I'm-I'm meant to be work...

No, no, no, I can... I can do it. I can do it. Yeah.

- Oh, do you know where to get them? - Mm-hm, yeah, course.

Yeah, I just... I just need to make a few calls.

Awesome! And then, could you bring them to me?

I'm in a place called Rothesay.

Rothesay!

Oh, I hear it's...

- No, it's not. - Right.

No, I'll, I'll, um, I'll get the stuff, Nina.

Just...just give me a few hours.

HEAD SLAMS

Oww!

Ahhh...I'm your man.

OK, thank you!

OK, love you, bye!

END OF CALL TONE

HELLO!

I've procured the gear!

They're going to be here in a couple of hours! Woo!

THEY SQUEAL

To the B&B!

What are we screaming about?

We love you!

Oh, my God!

Ohh! Mind the kerb.

Are you all right?

I'm amazing, Nina! I'm having such a good time!

There's this play park on the hill by the harbour,

- and we took Nina there when she was 13. - Mm-hm.

She got stuck in the slide, and she was screaming so loudly...

Mum, stop!

When the Fire Department rescued her,

we realised she'd just been holding on to the inside the entire time.

- No! - And she kept yelling, "Stop laughing!"

Which meant everybody couldn't stop.

MUM, STOP!

STOP IT!

It's not funny!

And now, for the next stop on our extravaganza,

a place with more elderly gentlemen than Amber's pants.

It's the pub.

Are you OK?

- Yeah, I'm fine. - Yeah?

We're now going to hand over to Amber

who is going to make us play a weird game.

Thank you so much for the kind introduction, Nina.

OK! So...

Everyone write down

three of your deepest, darkest, most sexual secrets.

There's only one rule -

- don't be boring! - Oh!

It's a hen party, for God's sake!

It's obviously only funny if it's about sex!

Oh, Nina, shut your ears!

I've done it 13 times.

Er, I haven't got my glasses.

- You don't wear glasses. - Shhh!

"I've had a thing for Alan Titchmarsh

"since I saw him in the street in the early '90s."

Oh! That's a head-scratcher!

OK, so just to reiterate,

this game's meant to be really outrageous.

It's obviously Mum!

- Was it you? - Yes!

It's just the way he holds his trowel.

Hm-hm.

"I had a dream about pumping David Attenborough."

Nina?

Nina, you can't say that.

He's like 100 years old!

Amber said to make it sexy.

Attenborough's a national treasure, Nina!

Nina - inappropriate!

It was only a dream!

I didn't actually do it.

Ahem.

"I threw a hot dog at a painting in the National Portrait Gallery.

"When the police questioned me,

"I lied and said I'd done it as part of the Stop Oil movement.

"And, also, I think I'm addicted to pegging."

Amber?

Nice try!

That is so you, Nina!

Nina, is this overstimulating you?

Do you need a quiet space?

- No, I'm fine! - OK.

"I've led someone on."

That's all it says.

It's me.

It's me again. Oh...

- Nina! - What am I like?

You should never lead anyone on, Nina! Ever!

Who is it?

Just a man at work.

Oh, an admirer?

No. It's the man from... The coffee man.

Um, the coffee van man.

It's the coffee van man.

And we have this chemistry,

this frisson of sexual tension,

and...and...and I, I've been flirting with him a lot

which is bad because I get bored at work,

so I just head over to the coffee van,

in my practical but alluring dress,

and I pop a button,

and squeeze my boobs together really hard.

And I just do it so that I can feel something, to feel alive.

And...and the worst part is he's coming here tonight...

Nina, you shouldn't be leading this poor boy on

just for your own amusement.

It's a terrible thing to do.

Yes, I know, Mum! That's why I wrote it in a confession square!

Nina!

You dark horse!

Evie?

EVIE RETCHES

EVIE GRIZZLES

Evie?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

It's just you don't seem fine with running to the toilet

and vomiting loudly.

Evie, you wrote that truth, didn't you?

Oh! You got me!

I've got a thing for the Titchmarsh.

Are you OK?

EVIE SOBS

It's nothing.

- I'm fine. - You're allowed to be scared.

I'm not scared. Just stop worrying about me.

There's a man by the bar asking for you.

What? Why?

No, not you.

You!

Go get it, girl!

- Ah, the coffee van man! - Yeah.

You came!

Yeah.

- And you brought a... - Oh, er, this, this is my old friend, Euan.

Great! And he's here because...?

Well, er, I...I...I got the stuff from him.

Um, yes.

And then, and then, erm... I said I was going to Rothesay

and he says, "I've never been to Rothesay!"

so...so now Euan's here as well!

Cool.

Aren't you going to introduce us, Nina?

Yep.

Erm, this is Lee.

Hi.

This is his good friend, Euan, who's also with us today.

This is my mother, Diane.

We've met!

And this is my sister, Evie.

Hello, boy.

- LEE: - Hi...

And this is my...

Well, this is just Amber, she's not my anything...

OK.

These are the drug dealers?

Yes.

Cool.

It's just, they look a bit like massive nerds.

Yeah, well, try and keep an open mind, Amber!

Sometimes people don't look like their jobs, yeah?

Wow, boys on a hen do!

DIANE CHUCKLES

What will they think of next?

No-one goes on all-girl hen dos any more, Diane. It's passe.

Wait, this is a hen do?

Well, aren't there meant to be, like...more girls?

This is all we need.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, this is all we neeeed!

Right, who's getting the next round?

Jagerbomb, please.

- Oh! - Gin and tonic, please! - Right!

Can I get a glass of tepid water?

Tepid, not warm.

Cool.

Ha...

- Have you got the...? - Yeah, yeah.

- EVIE: - Let's get this party started!

Oblivion, here we co...

EVIE SNIGGERS

Is that it!?

Apparently.

Do we cut it up, Euan?

No.

I say we should smoke this joint right here,

right now, in this pub

because we are young and we are alive!

Oh, do you know what we could do? We could...

Wh-wh-what if we went outside?

What?

- Yeah. - Yeah? - Love that.

Yeah! Ten points.

No, Nina, Nina, you stay with Mum.

- Oh, but I want... - Mum needs you.

Oh, where did everyone go?

To smoke a big joint.

Oh! Ha, very good.

TAPPING CONTINUES

Nina, if you're feeling anxious...

Mum! Let it go.

You're so focused on me, you haven't even noticed

that your other daughter is falling about all over the place.

You know Evie's on the other side of that wall right now, smoking drugs?

WHISPERS: Without me.

Aww, I'm glad she's letting off steam.

I know what's going on here, Nina.

If you're going to have a meltdown, I think it might be better

if we just go outside.

I'm not having a meltdown. This is not a meltdown.

I'm...I'm merely annoyed.

Mum, I know you're trying to help,

but the world is a bad and horrible and stupid place, and...

..you cannae fix it.

You can teach me every coping mechanism under the sun,

but if you can't cope with me coping,

then it's not going to work.

I'm so sorry, wheat puff.

I thought...

..becoming a psychotherapist would help me to understand you.

You became a psychotherapist because of me?

Yes!

Fuck.

I know.

What do you want me to do?

Just treat me like a grown-up.

OK.

How do I do that?

LAUGHING: I don't know!

Oh, it's tricky, isn't it?

MUSIC: Pig Fat by The Wife Guys of Reddit

Glorious.

LAUGHTER

NINA COUGHS

INAUDIBLE

Your friend seems to have cheered up.

Yeah.

There must be something in the tepid water.

Did he eat the rest of the drugs?

Look, Nina, I'm going to level with ye.

I don't really know the guy.

Like, he used to deal back at uni,

but when I said I was going to Rothesay,

he just kind of invited himself along

and when we were on the ferry,

he started talking about how he...

..doesn't really believe in gravity...

- What! - Yeah...

That's...that's kind of the level of guy we're dealing with here,

but, erm, it looks like he's having fun.

It's worked out all right, eh?

He's dancing with my mum!

I know, I know.

I'm so sorry.

HE LAUGHS

I'm so sorry...

Word on the street is you can bring in your own chips before 11.

Cool.

Do you want to go get some chips with me, Nina?

Oh, right, yeah!

Nina, you...

Is this a second date?

Er, I mean... Huh...

Well, let's see. We have a pub...

- Mm-hm. - ..beer...

- Mm. - ..a nice girl.

..a depressed drug dealer...

..and your mum.

Classic second date!

I'm sorry my mum's here.

Mm-mm! No, your mum's cool.

I wish my mum cared that much.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be, no.

I moved away from home a long time ago.

And now I sell coffee out a van

and live opposite the best chippie in Clover Street,

so who's laughing now?

You!

Yeah! Yeah...

Leslie was never big enough for me anyway.

Who's Leslie?

Oh, that...that's where I'm from.

THEY CHUCKLE

Lee from Leslie.

- That's me. - Mm-hm.

So, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Glasgow.

Anywhere in the world.

Glasgow.

HE CHUCKLES

OK...

Anywhere except Glasgow.

The Isle of Wight.

Wow!

Why?

There's this lady called Dr Catherine Dunne

and, em, she's discovered these armoured dinosaurs

that are probably, like, 145 million years old and they're going to...

- What?! - ..change the landscape of British dinosaur discourse,

and she posted this thing for...

Sorry, I'm talking too much.

No! Er, keep going, keep going!

She posted this thing looking for people to go to the Isle of Wight

and work with her, and I applied.

Right.

BIRDS TWEET LOUDLY

So, if you, erm...

..if you got it, would you go?

Yeah.

No.

I don't know.

- Choices are hard. - Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot to stay in Glasgow for.

Well, my parents, and my job,

and all of my pens are in Glasgow...

- Yeah. - ..and my sister, and my sister's wedding,

and the wedding's coming up and I'm the maid of honour,

and it's going to be a whole day of everybody pretending,

and...and I don't know what to do with my face

cos I never know what to do with my face, and my mum keeps saying,

"Nina, Nina, you have to tell me, are you bringing a plus one?

"Cos I need to know for the seating arrangements..." I don't know!

Do you want to be my plus one?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be your plus one, Nina.

Send me the details.

I will.

- Don't forget. - I shan't.

Heh.

Oh, you've...you've got a little...

Do you want...? Can I just touch your face?

Mm-hm.

DISTANT LAUGHTER

Evie!

Oh, shit...

What IS pegging?

AMBER RETCHES

# So far, so good

- # You see the signs that - It's fine, it's fine, it's fine

- # I am floating round here - It's fine, it's fine... #