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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,240 - Will you be my maid of honour? - Yeah! - Woo! 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:05,280 It's Mad Amber! 3 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:06,880 After eight tries as MOH, 4 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:11,480 I'm actually so relieved to just be a bridesmaid this time. 5 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:14,000 You could be digging these up on the Isle of Wight. 6 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,640 You should apply. 7 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,040 - Well, it's a big day, isn't it? - Yeah, it is. I have a date. 8 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,000 - Dress-fitting! - No, I have a date. - No, you have a dress-fitting. 9 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,240 I can do both. 10 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,240 - Oh! - Sh... Oh, sorry! 11 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,400 Must be quite a stimulating space for you, Nina? 12 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,120 FUUUCK! 13 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,560 I'm sorry about today. 14 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,440 I'm really sorry, too. 15 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,600 - Night, Nina. - Night, Evie. 16 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,520 - RANESH: - Night, Nin-Meister. 17 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,160 Save it for the second date! 18 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,280 Is there a second date? 19 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,880 If you have the time. 20 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,360 Look, Nina, I know that Amber and Mum really grind your gears 21 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,200 but this is my last weekend of freedom. 22 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,920 - There'll be no drama. - No. 23 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,480 Just all my favourite people in my favourite place, 24 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,120 getting fucked up away from Glasgow, 25 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,920 creating hilarious stories that I'm going to tell forever. 26 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,560 I've tried my best to plan you a lovely hen-do away in Rothesay, 27 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:16,320 but please do keep in mind, Evie, it is still Rothesay. 28 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:17,600 Yeah! 29 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,920 But it's the sort of place where we can really go wild. 30 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,240 - GIRLS! - Woooooo! 31 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,360 Ohhh-hoo-hoo-hoooo! 32 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,080 Oh, Evie! 33 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,800 - Aw! Your last weekend of freedom with all us girls! - Hi! 34 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,080 So, who are we still waiting on? 35 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,759 Amber and Mum were the only two people 36 00:01:34,759 --> 00:01:36,160 that paid the deposit on time. 37 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,880 - Oh... - It's fine. 38 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,360 This is all we need! 39 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,600 This is all we need. 40 00:01:56,479 --> 00:02:00,040 Who doesn't let the girl be Rose on their own hen party? 41 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,160 My heart will go on for you, Evie. 42 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,920 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that's it! 43 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,520 That...that's Rothesay, isn't it? 44 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,160 Oh, let's get fucked uppppppppppp! 45 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,840 ALL SCREAM 46 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,040 Nina, get in here! 47 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,000 OGGY, OGGY, OGGY! 48 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,200 OI, OI, OI! 49 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,280 Oh! This is all we need! 50 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,240 - DIANE, EVIE, AMBER: - THIS IS ALL WE NEED! 51 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,960 It's exactly the same! 52 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,079 It's exactly the same. 53 00:02:46,079 --> 00:02:49,079 Now, this island has no idea what's coming to it! 54 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,400 Shall we ask him for information? 55 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,280 If you want to get groped. Is that absinthe? 56 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:56,640 Nina, look... 57 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,079 You used to love those Victorian toilets. 58 00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,880 You used to say, "I can't believe I'm sitting on history." 59 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,640 Shitting on history. 60 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,520 I didn't have the heart to tell you they were renovated in the '90s. 61 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,040 So, Nina, where to first? 62 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,520 Oooh, just you wait and see. 63 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,160 - To the sesh! - Woo! 64 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,400 Oh, I'll get the bags, then. 65 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,000 Nice bags, darling. 66 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,440 Thank you for the help, you pervert. 67 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,840 Welcome to mini golf with a twist! 68 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:41,840 Each hole represents one of your many, many, many exes. 69 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,720 With the final hole being... 70 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:48,000 The ultimate hole of your gorgeous future husband, Ranesh. 71 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,400 Wow! 72 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,960 What an amazing shock! 73 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,880 Look at all my failed relationships! 74 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,880 Nina, you did so well to plan this all by yourself. 75 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,480 I still get sweet texts from that one. 76 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,640 Mum, he's a scammer! 77 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,320 I bought his Bitcoins. 78 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,000 She was a bawbag. 79 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,400 She never laughed at my jokes. 80 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,680 And I'm funny! 81 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,360 - She never deserved you, Evie. - Mm. 82 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,880 Now Evie's onto the last hole! 83 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,960 Woohoo! 84 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960 Evie, isn't it crazy? 85 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,840 Everywhere you go, Ranesh will be there. 86 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,400 You wake up, he's there. 87 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,320 You go to bed, he's there. 88 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,920 Just him, always and forever! 89 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,800 You're the luckiest girl in the world! 90 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,240 Manifest it, babe. 91 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,840 Put your ball in his hole, Evie! 92 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,120 Visualise walking down that aisle. 93 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:45,360 Ranesh forevs! 94 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,640 You have to really want this, Evie! 95 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,840 Awwwww! 96 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,600 Not to worry, darling. 97 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,880 Yeah, Ranesh is really hard. 98 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,920 Right, Nina, 99 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,040 where to next? 100 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,480 Beach, then B&B! 101 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:02,560 Woohoo! 102 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:03,880 Ohhh! 103 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,040 Suitcases! 104 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,040 Shite-hawks! 105 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,800 Come and join me, girls! 106 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,200 It's really not cold at all! 107 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,560 Yeah! Just putting on sun cream! 108 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,040 Woooo! 109 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,120 God, that's depressing. 110 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,560 Nina, when's it all going to kick off? 111 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,000 We've been here for like three hours and we've not had any...oomph! 112 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,840 You said you wanted to come to the beach, 113 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,200 so I brought you to the beach. 114 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,200 I've got this scheduled for another two hours. 115 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,240 Look, no offence intended in the slightest, Nina, 116 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,520 this sesh is worse than my grandad's funeral - 117 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,840 and he fell out the coffin! 118 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,480 This is Evie's final chance to get fucked up 119 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,800 before she's chained to 120 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,240 the beautiful ball and chain that is Ranesh, 121 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,080 and we need to make the most of it. 122 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,000 God, he's great. 123 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,600 Amber, can you stop with the Ranesh praising? 124 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,280 My point is, this has to be the send-off that Evie deserves. 125 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,400 We're going to need something stronger than absinthe. 126 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,400 I'm freezing my tits off, but I feel alive! 127 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,640 I'm talking about... 128 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:09,960 ..drugs. 129 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,360 Oh, my God! 130 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,080 Yeah! Please! 131 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,880 - How the hell are we getting drugs in Rothesay? - Yeah, good point. 132 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,960 OK. Nina, you look after Mum. We're going to go find some drugs. 133 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,280 Er, why do you assume that I don't know how to get that kind of stuff? 134 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,680 I know that Mum treats me like a toddler, 135 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,360 but I know how to procure drugs. 136 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,800 - Oh, do you now? - Yes, I do! 137 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,200 Oh, I'm going to go phone my drug friend... 138 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,960 ..who knows about drugs. 139 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,920 She's so full of surprises. 140 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,520 Who knew? 141 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,080 I'm serious, Bo. 142 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,240 I'm sorry. 143 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,080 I'm just picturing you holed up on a cocaine farm 144 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,200 wi' two guns in your pants and a dead hooker in the boot. 145 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,720 BO GUFFAWS 146 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,440 What do you want drugs for, anyway? 147 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,360 Can you help me or can't you? 148 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,520 You know, my days of uppers are behind me, Nina. 149 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,640 Are you not at Ranesh's stag? Does he not have any? 150 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,240 Well, he refuses to call it a stag 151 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,200 cos of the patriarchal associations. 152 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:08,680 Hang on. 153 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:13,760 I will activate my blue tit and gain one worm and two wheat. 154 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:14,920 And... 155 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,280 ..I've done it! 156 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,080 I've diversified the wetlands! 157 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,400 Yes! 158 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,520 I knew I would! I knew I would! 159 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:23,760 Yeah, there's no drugs here. 160 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,440 Can you have, like, a wee scramble about, and see if you can find some, 161 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,920 and then bring them to me? 162 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,400 Afraid not. I'm actually not allowed to set foot in Rothesay 163 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,600 after I punched that swan. 164 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,760 Nina! You're from Glasgow. 165 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,760 Even you will know someone that knows someone. 166 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,640 Just think about the coolest person you know. 167 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,320 Someone that works a minimum wage job, 168 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,280 but never seems to be worried about money. 169 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,720 That guy, he's probably selling something. 170 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,480 OK, Bo. Love you. Bye. 171 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,760 CALL END TONE 172 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,760 Love... 173 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,080 What do they say? Birds of a feather flock together. 174 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,040 Unless you're me - the winner! 175 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,440 Yes! 176 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,000 RINGING TONE 177 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,280 Hello? 178 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,560 NINA BREATHES DEEPLY 179 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,520 MOBILE RINGS 180 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,640 Hi! 181 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,120 Who is this? 182 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,040 This is, um, Nina - 183 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,080 from the museum and the date. 184 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,320 I fell in the toilet. 185 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,760 Yeah. You don't need to say, "Nina from..." 186 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,680 You're actually the only Nina I know. 187 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,520 You're my one and only Nina. 188 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,280 RAPID TAPPING 189 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,280 Are you...jumping? 190 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,640 No! Erm, just fixing my coat. 191 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,520 Ahem... 192 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,799 Do you, um, perchance... 193 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:40,880 ..dabble... 194 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,120 WHISPERS: ..in drugs? 195 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,320 Let me cut to the chase here, friend. 196 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,920 I am three-hours deep in a hen party where I am maid of honour, 197 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,040 and nothing fun nor epic has happened. 198 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,680 And, as maid of honour, it's within my remit to create fun 199 00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,640 and epic-ness, so could you bring me drugs, 200 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,280 so I can make something fun happen? 201 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,840 Drugs? 202 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,640 Drugs! Drugs! 203 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,120 Drugs. Yeah. Yeah. 204 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,320 No, I can. I mean, I'm-I'm-I'm meant to be work... 205 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,520 No, no, no, I can... I can do it. I can do it. Yeah. 206 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,160 - Oh, do you know where to get them? - Mm-hm, yeah, course. 207 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,800 Yeah, I just... I just need to make a few calls. 208 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,280 Awesome! And then, could you bring them to me? 209 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,080 I'm in a place called Rothesay. 210 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,240 Rothesay! 211 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,520 Oh, I hear it's... 212 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,880 - No, it's not. - Right. 213 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,600 No, I'll, I'll, um, I'll get the stuff, Nina. 214 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,080 Just...just give me a few hours. 215 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,640 HEAD SLAMS 216 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,640 Oww! 217 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,720 Ahhh...I'm your man. 218 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,960 OK, thank you! 219 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,520 OK, love you, bye! 220 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,240 END OF CALL TONE 221 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,360 HELLO! 222 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,600 I've procured the gear! 223 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,720 They're going to be here in a couple of hours! Woo! 224 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,640 THEY SQUEAL 225 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,640 To the B&B! 226 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,400 What are we screaming about? 227 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,520 We love you! 228 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,240 Oh, my God! 229 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,160 Ohh! Mind the kerb. 230 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,480 Are you all right? 231 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,840 I'm amazing, Nina! I'm having such a good time! 232 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,400 There's this play park on the hill by the harbour, 233 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,480 - and we took Nina there when she was 13. - Mm-hm. 234 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:31,360 She got stuck in the slide, and she was screaming so loudly... 235 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:32,640 Mum, stop! 236 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,480 When the Fire Department rescued her, 237 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,800 we realised she'd just been holding on to the inside the entire time. 238 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,200 - No! - And she kept yelling, "Stop laughing!" 239 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,880 Which meant everybody couldn't stop. 240 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,320 MUM, STOP! 241 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,600 STOP IT! 242 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,760 It's not funny! 243 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:54,200 And now, for the next stop on our extravaganza, 244 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,640 a place with more elderly gentlemen than Amber's pants. 245 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,000 It's the pub. 246 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,320 Are you OK? 247 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,760 - Yeah, I'm fine. - Yeah? 248 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,200 We're now going to hand over to Amber 249 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,080 who is going to make us play a weird game. 250 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,360 Thank you so much for the kind introduction, Nina. 251 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,440 OK! So... 252 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,800 Everyone write down 253 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,440 three of your deepest, darkest, most sexual secrets. 254 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:25,720 There's only one rule - 255 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,080 - don't be boring! - Oh! 256 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,040 It's a hen party, for God's sake! 257 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,880 It's obviously only funny if it's about sex! 258 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,280 Oh, Nina, shut your ears! 259 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,120 I've done it 13 times. 260 00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,680 Er, I haven't got my glasses. 261 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,960 - You don't wear glasses. - Shhh! 262 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,800 "I've had a thing for Alan Titchmarsh 263 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:11,600 "since I saw him in the street in the early '90s." 264 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,360 Oh! That's a head-scratcher! 265 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,280 OK, so just to reiterate, 266 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,480 this game's meant to be really outrageous. 267 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,480 It's obviously Mum! 268 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,320 - Was it you? - Yes! 269 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,320 It's just the way he holds his trowel. 270 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:29,480 Hm-hm. 271 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,400 "I had a dream about pumping David Attenborough." 272 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:38,840 Nina? 273 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,880 Nina, you can't say that. 274 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,640 He's like 100 years old! 275 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,320 Amber said to make it sexy. 276 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,200 Attenborough's a national treasure, Nina! 277 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,840 Nina - inappropriate! 278 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,040 It was only a dream! 279 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,840 I didn't actually do it. 280 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,160 Ahem. 281 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:03,280 "I threw a hot dog at a painting in the National Portrait Gallery. 282 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,000 "When the police questioned me, 283 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,960 "I lied and said I'd done it as part of the Stop Oil movement. 284 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,560 "And, also, I think I'm addicted to pegging." 285 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,040 Amber? 286 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,760 Nice try! 287 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,480 That is so you, Nina! 288 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,280 Nina, is this overstimulating you? 289 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,080 Do you need a quiet space? 290 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,800 - No, I'm fine! - OK. 291 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,640 "I've led someone on." 292 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,040 That's all it says. 293 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,120 It's me. 294 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,520 It's me again. Oh... 295 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:45,920 - Nina! - What am I like? 296 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,880 You should never lead anyone on, Nina! Ever! 297 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,000 Who is it? 298 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,040 Just a man at work. 299 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,480 Oh, an admirer? 300 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,720 No. It's the man from... The coffee man. 301 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,240 Um, the coffee van man. 302 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:58,520 It's the coffee van man. 303 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,880 And we have this chemistry, 304 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,320 this frisson of sexual tension, 305 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,920 and...and...and I, I've been flirting with him a lot 306 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:10,400 which is bad because I get bored at work, 307 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,600 so I just head over to the coffee van, 308 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,640 in my practical but alluring dress, 309 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,840 and I pop a button, 310 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,760 and squeeze my boobs together really hard. 311 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:26,200 And I just do it so that I can feel something, to feel alive. 312 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:30,680 And...and the worst part is he's coming here tonight... 313 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,480 Nina, you shouldn't be leading this poor boy on 314 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,040 just for your own amusement. 315 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,320 It's a terrible thing to do. 316 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,800 Yes, I know, Mum! That's why I wrote it in a confession square! 317 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,840 Nina! 318 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,320 You dark horse! 319 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:45,840 Evie? 320 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,680 EVIE RETCHES 321 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,000 EVIE GRIZZLES 322 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,080 Evie? 323 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,760 I'm fine. 324 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,040 I'm fine. 325 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,040 It's just you don't seem fine with running to the toilet 326 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,640 and vomiting loudly. 327 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,720 Evie, you wrote that truth, didn't you? 328 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,120 Oh! You got me! 329 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,560 I've got a thing for the Titchmarsh. 330 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,880 Are you OK? 331 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,400 EVIE SOBS 332 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,640 It's nothing. 333 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,280 - I'm fine. - You're allowed to be scared. 334 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,640 I'm not scared. Just stop worrying about me. 335 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,840 There's a man by the bar asking for you. 336 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,400 What? Why? 337 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,560 No, not you. 338 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,680 You! 339 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,760 Go get it, girl! 340 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,040 - Ah, the coffee van man! - Yeah. 341 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,560 You came! 342 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,040 Yeah. 343 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:05,000 - And you brought a... - Oh, er, this, this is my old friend, Euan. 344 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,720 Great! And he's here because...? 345 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,160 Well, er, I...I...I got the stuff from him. 346 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,240 Um, yes. 347 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,800 And then, and then, erm... I said I was going to Rothesay 348 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,040 and he says, "I've never been to Rothesay!" 349 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,280 so...so now Euan's here as well! 350 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,520 Cool. 351 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,400 Aren't you going to introduce us, Nina? 352 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,640 Yep. 353 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,120 Erm, this is Lee. 354 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,360 Hi. 355 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:34,440 This is his good friend, Euan, who's also with us today. 356 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,960 This is my mother, Diane. 357 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,840 We've met! 358 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,880 And this is my sister, Evie. 359 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,080 Hello, boy. 360 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,440 - LEE: - Hi... 361 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:44,920 And this is my... 362 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,640 Well, this is just Amber, she's not my anything... 363 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,720 OK. 364 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,280 These are the drug dealers? 365 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,640 Yes. 366 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:54,680 Cool. 367 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,600 It's just, they look a bit like massive nerds. 368 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,480 Yeah, well, try and keep an open mind, Amber! 369 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,600 Sometimes people don't look like their jobs, yeah? 370 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,200 Wow, boys on a hen do! 371 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,200 DIANE CHUCKLES 372 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,680 What will they think of next? 373 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,160 No-one goes on all-girl hen dos any more, Diane. It's passe. 374 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,440 Wait, this is a hen do? 375 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,480 Well, aren't there meant to be, like...more girls? 376 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,960 This is all we need. 377 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,760 - Yeah. - Yeah. 378 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,319 Yeah, this is all we neeeed! 379 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,280 Right, who's getting the next round? 380 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,720 Jagerbomb, please. 381 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,440 - Oh! - Gin and tonic, please! - Right! 382 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,200 Can I get a glass of tepid water? 383 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,960 Tepid, not warm. 384 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,600 Cool. 385 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,160 Ha... 386 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,800 - Have you got the...? - Yeah, yeah. 387 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,760 - EVIE: - Let's get this party started! 388 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,840 Oblivion, here we co... 389 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,880 EVIE SNIGGERS 390 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,880 Is that it!? 391 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,920 Apparently. 392 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,480 Do we cut it up, Euan? 393 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,520 No. 394 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:14,200 I say we should smoke this joint right here, 395 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,240 right now, in this pub 396 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,680 because we are young and we are alive! 397 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,520 Oh, do you know what we could do? We could... 398 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,120 Wh-wh-what if we went outside? 399 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,440 What? 400 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,600 - Yeah. - Yeah? - Love that. 401 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,320 Yeah! Ten points. 402 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,960 No, Nina, Nina, you stay with Mum. 403 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,200 - Oh, but I want... - Mum needs you. 404 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,520 Oh, where did everyone go? 405 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:43,720 To smoke a big joint. 406 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,360 Oh! Ha, very good. 407 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,440 TAPPING CONTINUES 408 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,160 Nina, if you're feeling anxious... 409 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,440 Mum! Let it go. 410 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,480 You're so focused on me, you haven't even noticed 411 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,960 that your other daughter is falling about all over the place. 412 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,920 You know Evie's on the other side of that wall right now, smoking drugs? 413 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,080 WHISPERS: Without me. 414 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,440 Aww, I'm glad she's letting off steam. 415 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,600 I know what's going on here, Nina. 416 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,040 If you're going to have a meltdown, I think it might be better 417 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,280 if we just go outside. 418 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,400 I'm not having a meltdown. This is not a meltdown. 419 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,880 I'm...I'm merely annoyed. 420 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,440 Mum, I know you're trying to help, 421 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:28,200 but the world is a bad and horrible and stupid place, and... 422 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,840 ..you cannae fix it. 423 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:35,640 You can teach me every coping mechanism under the sun, 424 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,960 but if you can't cope with me coping, 425 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,800 then it's not going to work. 426 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,520 I'm so sorry, wheat puff. 427 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,160 I thought... 428 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:50,080 ..becoming a psychotherapist would help me to understand you. 429 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,360 You became a psychotherapist because of me? 430 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,560 Yes! 431 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,000 Fuck. 432 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,440 I know. 433 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,040 What do you want me to do? 434 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,880 Just treat me like a grown-up. 435 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,720 OK. 436 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,440 How do I do that? 437 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:07,800 LAUGHING: I don't know! 438 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,480 Oh, it's tricky, isn't it? 439 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,400 MUSIC: Pig Fat by The Wife Guys of Reddit 440 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,280 Glorious. 441 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,720 LAUGHTER 442 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,400 NINA COUGHS 443 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,840 INAUDIBLE 444 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,200 Your friend seems to have cheered up. 445 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,400 Yeah. 446 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,400 There must be something in the tepid water. 447 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,880 Did he eat the rest of the drugs? 448 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,680 Look, Nina, I'm going to level with ye. 449 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,160 I don't really know the guy. 450 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,200 Like, he used to deal back at uni, 451 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,960 but when I said I was going to Rothesay, 452 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,640 he just kind of invited himself along 453 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,160 and when we were on the ferry, 454 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,520 he started talking about how he... 455 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,840 ..doesn't really believe in gravity... 456 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,040 - What! - Yeah... 457 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,880 That's...that's kind of the level of guy we're dealing with here, 458 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,640 but, erm, it looks like he's having fun. 459 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,720 It's worked out all right, eh? 460 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,400 He's dancing with my mum! 461 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,240 I know, I know. 462 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,440 I'm so sorry. 463 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,240 HE LAUGHS 464 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,240 I'm so sorry... 465 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:23,200 Word on the street is you can bring in your own chips before 11. 466 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:26,320 Cool. 467 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,800 Do you want to go get some chips with me, Nina? 468 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,040 Oh, right, yeah! 469 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,560 Nina, you... 470 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,600 Is this a second date? 471 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,760 Er, I mean... Huh... 472 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,400 Well, let's see. We have a pub... 473 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,880 - Mm-hm. - ..beer... 474 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,280 - Mm. - ..a nice girl. 475 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,040 ..a depressed drug dealer... 476 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,880 ..and your mum. 477 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,120 Classic second date! 478 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,960 I'm sorry my mum's here. 479 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,240 Mm-mm! No, your mum's cool. 480 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,560 I wish my mum cared that much. 481 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,360 I'm sorry. 482 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,360 Oh, don't be, no. 483 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:24,720 I moved away from home a long time ago. 484 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,920 And now I sell coffee out a van 485 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,120 and live opposite the best chippie in Clover Street, 486 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,560 so who's laughing now? 487 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,600 You! 488 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,880 Yeah! Yeah... 489 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,760 Leslie was never big enough for me anyway. 490 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,480 Who's Leslie? 491 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,560 Oh, that...that's where I'm from. 492 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,360 THEY CHUCKLE 493 00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:47,880 Lee from Leslie. 494 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,120 - That's me. - Mm-hm. 495 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,440 So, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? 496 00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,960 Glasgow. 497 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:01,560 Anywhere in the world. 498 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,400 Glasgow. 499 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,400 HE CHUCKLES 500 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,640 OK... 501 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:06,440 Anywhere except Glasgow. 502 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,520 The Isle of Wight. 503 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:10,720 Wow! 504 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,160 Why? 505 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,440 There's this lady called Dr Catherine Dunne 506 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,960 and, em, she's discovered these armoured dinosaurs 507 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,520 that are probably, like, 145 million years old and they're going to... 508 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,920 - What?! - ..change the landscape of British dinosaur discourse, 509 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,640 and she posted this thing for... 510 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:27,960 Sorry, I'm talking too much. 511 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,840 No! Er, keep going, keep going! 512 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,960 She posted this thing looking for people to go to the Isle of Wight 513 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,280 and work with her, and I applied. 514 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,480 Right. 515 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,880 BIRDS TWEET LOUDLY 516 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,040 So, if you, erm... 517 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,840 ..if you got it, would you go? 518 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:52,720 Yeah. 519 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,080 No. 520 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,680 I don't know. 521 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,560 - Choices are hard. - Yeah. 522 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,280 I mean, there's a lot to stay in Glasgow for. 523 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,840 Well, my parents, and my job, 524 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,080 and all of my pens are in Glasgow... 525 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,240 - Yeah. - ..and my sister, and my sister's wedding, 526 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,440 and the wedding's coming up and I'm the maid of honour, 527 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,680 and it's going to be a whole day of everybody pretending, 528 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,400 and...and I don't know what to do with my face 529 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,800 cos I never know what to do with my face, and my mum keeps saying, 530 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,320 "Nina, Nina, you have to tell me, are you bringing a plus one? 531 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,000 "Cos I need to know for the seating arrangements..." I don't know! 532 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:30,920 Do you want to be my plus one? 533 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,320 Yeah. 534 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,040 Yeah, I'll be your plus one, Nina. 535 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,160 Send me the details. 536 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:38,200 I will. 537 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,200 - Don't forget. - I shan't. 538 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:41,520 Heh. 539 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,600 Oh, you've...you've got a little... 540 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,960 Do you want...? Can I just touch your face? 541 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,160 Mm-hm. 542 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:05,800 DISTANT LAUGHTER 543 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,040 Evie! 544 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,360 Oh, shit... 545 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,440 What IS pegging? 546 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:37,680 AMBER RETCHES 547 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,280 # So far, so good 548 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:04,320 - # You see the signs that - It's fine, it's fine, it's fine 549 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:10,040 - # I am floating round here - It's fine, it's fine... # 37865

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