Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

People have this image of scientists as antisocial, rigid and autistic.

- But I am. - You're autistic? - Mm-hm. - Of course.

I'm pretty sure Declan is too.

- I'm engaged! - To who?

- Ranesh. - The TikTok advertising man with the concave arse?

It's just a rustic peasant dish that I picked up

during my summer in Firenze.

Mum and Dad are not going to be happy about this.

We're so happy about this!

What did I miss?

- Evie's going bankrupt Mum and Dad. - What else is new?

- AMERICAN ACCENT: - There's a new coffee sheriff in town.

I like to give people a chance.

Nina, will you be my maid of honour?

Yeah! Yeah.

So it's funny because the title is a pun.

So, it's not M-A-I-D of honour.

It's M-A-D-E of honour

because Patrick Dempsey's made to be the maid of honour.

- Ooh, Patrick Dempsey. - Get a bucket and a mop.

- BOTH: - Aaah!

The baby blues, am I right?

HE SLURPS

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is

because last night I had an epiphany.

Yes, when you asked me to be your maid of honour, I was shook.

But then, I thought, if Patrick Dempsey can do a good job

for the first half of the 2008 romcom Made Of Honor

before he ruins the wedding, then so can I.

OMG! There she is!

SCREAMING

- You invited her?! - Yes.

- It's Mad Amber. - Oh, it is just Amber now.

Because mental health is...no joke.

This is a girl who made a shrine to you in your first year of uni, Evie!

It was a friendship collage, and she's not like that any more.

Look! Oh, my God, Oh, my God, Oh, my God!

THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH

Babe, you look un-fucking-real.

- Amber, you're literally the hottest thing in Glasgow right now. - Stop!

You both look exactly how you always look every time you see each other.

Ranesh. You're smaller in real life.

Hi, Nina. Congrats on being Evie's "moh".

Oh, I'm not Evie's ma. I'm her sister.

No, not ma. Moh.

- Moh? - M-O-H. Maid of honour.

You'll get with the lingo eventually.

It's OK you didn't ask me to be MOH, Evie.

After eight tries as MOH,

I'm actually so relieved to just be a bridesmaid this time.

AMBER LAUGHS

So, are we set on a plan yet?

Plan?

Ranesh's Dad, Sachin, is coming to town this weekend.

And I, for one, can't wait for him to break bread with my sweet lady

and meet the family.

And we'll share the happy news!

Wait, you've not told him that you're getting married?

- It's been a week. - You can't just drop a bomb like that, Nina.

Especially not to someone like Sachin.

Basically, Neens, Dad isn't super easy to talk to

and down to earth, like me.

I mean, I totally get his vibe but other people,

well, they find him a little intimidating at first.

Which is totally funny to me because I don't find him scary at all!

- Hmm, you do a bit. - A little bit, yeah.

Sachin is a very well-respected art critic.

He can kill a show at Art Basel with a single look.

Dad actually exposed the Wynona Gallery

for displaying a fake Kandinsky.

We need to impress him.

Yeah, we need to razzle-dazzle him.

Oh, we don't razzle nor dazzle, we're Scottish.

Let's just take him to Mum and Dad's and feed him lasagne.

Or drinks at Scribble!

Oh, my actual God! Yes!

It's the place Amber works. It's perfect!

It's the most chic bar in Glasgow, Ranesh.

Papa will be delighted.

I've recently been promoted to deputy manager.

Ha! Glass ceiling - who?

Amber, that's such amazing news!

It's a huge responsibility.

Of course, of course.

So, we all just have to put forward the best version of ourself.

Then, once he likes us, we will tell him we're engaged.

So, no in-jokes, no swearing and no personal stories...

..especially those that involve my heavy drinking.

So to impress this man,

we're all just going to pretend to be people we're not?

- Yeah. - Mm-hm. I do it all the time.

And we're going to just keep doing that for ever and ever?

At the wedding, every time we see him,

Christmas, Easter, all the major holidays, until he dies.

Like we're a big fake Kandinsky?

- Exactly! - You got it! - Yeah!

What about "you do you"?

CORK POPS

Oh, it's so good to have a coffee

with all my favourite people before starting the daily grind.

Evie, your eyeballs are all trembly.

You look like an anxious chihuahua. Is everything all right?

I know Ranesh seems like this gorgeous devil-may-care hunk,

but he's always been really desperate for his dad's approval.

He even does this...

- DEEP VOICE: - ..fake low voice when they talk

to each other on the phone.

- NORMAL VOICE: - So, if Sachin doesn't approve of the engagement,

I'm really worried that he's going to call off the whole wedding.

I didn't tell you this before,

because I knew you'd get all judgy, but Ranesh has a...

..history of impulsive romantic decisions.

No?

He was catfished by a woman called Sandra, OK?

But the police said the case was so elaborate that it could have

happened to literally anyone.

So I'm really worried that he's not

going to be 100% on board with us getting married so quickly.

He might have a point.

Look, I know that you think we're completely off our heads,

but ever since Ranesh proposed to me,

it's just been this really special thing that's just for me.

And everyone's really proud of me, and I've never had that before.

So I just want us to get married as quickly as we can

so I can hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.

SHE SIGHS

But, ideally, we would ease him into this, you know,

take our time getting to know the family, meeting Mum and Dad.

And you need a TED talk

and three manuals before you speak to Mad Amber.

True. But Sachin is in Glasgow for one night

and one night only on his way to Berlin.

So we have this one casual drinks at Scribble

to make him like me, meet his whole extended family-to-be

- and convince him that we are nothing like Sandra. - I will....

I will channel our romcom lord and saviour Patrick Dempsey,

and I will make sure everyone is on their bestest behaviour.

- And just one other wee thing. - Mm-hm?

You know that refreshing, freewheeling honesty of yours

- that we all love so much? - Mm-hm?

I'm not asking you to change it,

but could you cover it for the night? Maybe?

Do you want me to catfish Ranesh's dad?

Yes.

Urgh, fine.

Aww, thank you, Nina.

- Mm-hm. - Best maid of honour ever.

That's cos you've got nothing to compare me to.

We need a name for our extra foam latte.

- Any takers on the name yet? - No.

Well, no, there's one suggestion.

But, er, it's mine and it's shit.

Foam Alone.

So, if you build it, they will come.

You know, you don't need a jazzy name. Your coffee speaks for itself.

Mmm, in an ideal world, yes.

But we all have to dress ourselves up a bit to get on in life,

- don't we? - You sound just like my sister.

Hmm, her, erm, concave-arsed fiance, was he the worst man in the world?

- Currently living? - Mm. - Then yes.

Oh, no...

Anyway, she wants us all to put on a mask and pretend to be

something we're not to impress his dad.

- Because he did a show on Art Basel. - What's that?

I have no idea!

But I've been down that road before, pretending to be something I'm not.

I tried for years to be normal and I just came off as more weird.

I'm the girl who spent her adolescence

trying not to be autistic. It wasn't as fun as it sounds.

I get that. When I was 16 I blacked out at a house party

and my mates set fire to my pubes.

I had to pretend that I was, like, raging and embarrassed

but they didn't know that I'd only just started growing pubes,

like, three weeks before that.

So I was just buzzin' they knew I had them to begin with.

I'll never forget that smell, though.

Anyway, erm, ach, maybe it's just about being, like...

..like the best version of yourself, you know?

Like, if I was ever to meet your parents,

I'd want to make a good impression.

As your hot drink technician.

I mean, my drinks are hot. Not me.

Thank you.

My pubes grew back!

Sorry. What... What can I get you?

- Can I have a flat white and a biscotti, please? - Yes!

PHONE BEEPS

Did everyone see? Dr Catherine Dunne posted a vacancy online

that's getting the Dinosaur gang hot under the collar.

Yeah, I've always thought Dr Dunne was a bit overrated,

- for what it's worth. - Apart from the fact that she discovered, like,

the first armoured dinosaur in 130 years, yeah?

She turned me down for a job once.

Anyway, look at me now. I've got a corner office and my own toilet.

You only have your own toilet cause none of us

want to go in after you, Shane.

You know, you've really got to be a performing monkey

if you want to get anywhere as a palaeontology media type.

And I wasn't prepared to do that.

No, not even for a guest spot on In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg.

Disguise can be a bitter fruit to chew.

SQUELCHING

You wore it! You look like a goddess!

I look like I'm in a militia!

Ranesh and Evie are over there. I'll sort the drinks.

Nina, you look so chic.

That's right, I've buttoned into my military-grade jumpsuit

and buckled in for the Operation Dad meet,

so don't worry, there will be no radical honesty from me tonight.

- Perfect. - Except, am I allowed to tell the story about the time

you shat yourself in Zante wearing wee white hot pants?

Nina!

Seriously, though, do not tell him

- that I had to repeat second year of uni. - I wasn't going to.

Or let Dad get drunk and go on and on about his furniture shop.

- Oh, God. - What? - Dad's teetotal. He gave up a few weeks ago.

And you let us plan a casual drinks gathering?

Oh, my God! What was I thinking?!

This has nothing to do with anything,

but is that a cowboy hat or a trilby?

I told you, it's not 2005!

He's here.

Dad...

Dad?

- His glasses are really small. - Don't say anything.

I know, but I really want to.

- May I introduce mon amour? - That's French for love.

Well, that was practically Masonic.

I'm Nina.

- Nina. - Can I take your jacket? - I'll, er, keep it on.

- So have you come very far? - From where I started, I would say so.

- Oh, cool. Cool, cool, cool. - Incredible!

- I just love art. - It brings people together.

Well, that's a naive statement. Art is a corporate entity these days.

Well, look at us. All standing together.

It's nice, standing, isn't it?

Just standing and talking and thinking and feeling and...

Yeah.

- Can I... Can I help you? - I'm Amber, Evie's best friend.

- I'm the deputy manager here. - Great. Get me a soda water.

Are you sure? We've got this lovely cherry cremant...

He wants soda water, Amber!

So, Papa, have, erm...

- Oh, my God. - ..have you been busy lately?

Busy is a very bourgeois concept.

- What is Mum wearing? - Don't worry about it, I'm going to sort it out.

Ahem. Excuse me, gentlemen, I'm going to go away and then,

at some point, I shall return.

So, keep on being you two.

Shall we?

Wow, this bar! Must be quite a stimulating space for you, Nina.

Mm-hm. Did you two not get Amber's 12 emails about how to dress chic?

- No, no, we did! - Do you like my new shawl?

I'm currently not allowed to be myself

so I can't tell you what I think about your ugly shawl.

The lady in the shop said Helen Mirren has the same one.

- Oh, I love Helen Mirren! - Ick, Dad! You look boiling, Mother.

Would you like me to take your horse blanket to the cloakroom?

No! I bought it especially. After a lot of discussion,

we decided this was definitely chic, without being too...

..mother-of-the-bride.

Uh-uh, remember, we're going to get Sachin to like us and then tell him

about the engagement, and then we're going to tell him about the wedding.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The big reveal! - Indeed.

Also, just so you know...

- ..he's posh! - Ooh!

No. I mean, English posh.

Ah... I get it.

- Mm-hm. - So we have to be less...

- ..you. - Cool. - Less.

- Is it cool? - Yeah. - Are you sure?

CLATTERING, GLASS SMASHES

Yes, Chef!

- But I'm only leaving cos I want to. - Bo!

Nina!

What were you doing in the kitchen? Is that Mezcal?

- I know what that means. - No... - Mm-hm,

it means you've had a fight with Hilda!

She's always trying to change me. But, listen,

it is different this time, cos I told HER where to go.

- Wha-a-at?! - It's not different, it's the same!

You have a fight with Hilda, you get off your tits on Mezcal,

and then you become a liability. Why have you done this tonight?!

You always told me to speak my mind!

I do say that a lot.

- Is his dad here yet? - Yes. And he has the world's tiniest glasses

and I'm not allowed to talk about it. No!

- Let me at him. I'll be a right charming bastard. - Absolutely not.

I don't care, Gina, I'm not your therapist.

Amber! Amber!

I'm on the clock, Nina.

Amber, my brother is very drunk and you need to sober him up.

Do not let him out of your sight.

Please help me, Amber. You're my only hope.

Fine.

- If you really need me... - Great.

Did you watch the Rangers and Celtic last night?

Erm, no.

Here, you must be an important cunt

- because I've been told not to tell any of my good stories. - Dad!

Ach, he knows I don't mean anything by it, don't you, pal?

- Sachin is a well-respected art critic. - Oh?

- He can kill a show at Art Basel with a single look. - For my sins.

ENGLISH ACCENT: Art Bas-il? I love it there.

- Basel. - English accent? What the fuck?

- It's not what it used to be. When did you go? - Erm...

Well, I mean, I, er... I meant to go.

Adrian is something of an artist, Dad.

- Oh? And what is your medium? - Benches.

That's unusual. What does your work say?

Well, Sachin, when my furniture starts talking to me,

I know I've inhaled too much varnish.

Rein it in! What are you working on, Sachin?

Well, I've become quite interested in decoupage in recent years.

Well, life begins at 60.

I'm 51.

So, decoupage is, erm...

Erm...

Evie, I need to go to the bathroom

and I struggle with all the buttons on this big boiler suit.

- Will you come with me, please? - Uh-huh. - OK, awesome.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

NEAR—SILENT SCREAM

Evie! You need to pull yourself together.

I can't. I can't.

It's too much, it's too...

The handshake! I shook his thumb!

I shook his thumb! Nina, who does that!? Do you think he noticed?

- Yeah, I think he probably did. - I'm normally so good with parents!

And what is going on with Mum and Dad?

Evie, I have not mentioned that man's tiny glasses one time,

and it is all I want to do.

We have put our personalities in a box, aside, for you,

to impress this man. Now if I can do it, and I'm literally autistic,

- then you can do it. You've got this. - I can do this.

- You do this. - I can do this. - You can do this.

There is nobody better at being fake in a social situation

than you, babe.

- Thank you, that means a lot. - You're welcome.

Where's Bo?

- He had a fight with Hilda. - Oh, my God... - No. Don't worry.

Got it all under control. I'm holding down the fort.

- Everything's going to be fine. - Yeah. - We're going to go back in there.

- We're going to get a round of drinks. - Yeah!

You're going to take it in the dick, not literally,

cos we'll get arrested. We're going to knock 'em dead.

- Come on! Yeah. OK. - Let's do it!

OK, here we go, she's a raging bull!

Can I get another round of drinks, please?

- Where's Bo? - Peek-a-Bo!

Oh! You let him behind the bar? Amber!

I've got it under control, you silly goose.

If you're going to be Evie's MOH you have to chill out. Here.

Have some of our cherry cremant in a special baseless glass.

Fuck me, Nina, this is brutal.

I mean, none of my bench stories are landing.

- Is this lighter fluid?! - No, it's cherry cremant.

- How can I be someone else? This is all I've got. - Just do what I do.

Just take all of your bad feelings and thoughts and push them down

into a little ball in your stomach.

Like, I think about Sachin's tiny, tiny glasses, just push it down.

And then when I get home, I scream into my pillow.

- Oh? Is that what you were doing in your bedroom? - Yes.

- If that fails, just agree with him. - With everything he says?

- Even if I don't agree? - Mm-hm. Just tilt your head and smile

and say, "I agree." Men love it when you do that.

- All right. - And fix your tie. You look like a pervert professor.

Well, yes, this generation is impulsive.

- I always say it. - Very impulsive, this generation.

I completely agree with you and I was about to say that same thing.

But it can be good to be impulsive...sometimes.

- Follow your heart. - Oh, come on, Ranesh. Use your critical faculties.

It's this sort of thinking that got you catfished.

Sandra said she really needed that small business loan.

It's all this living from one dopamine hit to the next.

One dopamine hit to the next. Exactly. We always say that.

- Don't we, Di? - Good heavens, yes! Heavens! Heavens!

- Taking the plunge. - Walking on a knife edge.

Exactly! What's the need?

- No need. - No. No need.

Anyway...Ranesh?

Yes, yes, so...

..Daddy, Evie and I, we've got something we'd like to...

..tell you...

- We went to London! - The big smoke. - He took me up the Shard.

And we went to the Tate Modern. Art!

Erm, we saw the one with, erm, the lines and the...the colours...

It was the...the...hmm?

The Rothko!

It's called The Rothko.

Was that it?

I mean, I thought for a second you were going to tell me

that you were engaged.

Oh, I wouldn't put anything past Ranesh.

Six weeks and then engaged. Ha! That would be...that would be wild.

I thought I was a Gemini, but I think I'm on the cusp of Taurus.

- Wait, what's that new one they invented? - Jellyfish.

People call me that all the time.

I sting people if they get too close.

Hilda's a Gemini, but I'm a Scorpio

and they're, like, incompatible with Geminis, so she made me a Libra.

Fuck that! Fuck changing ourselves for love.

- We should live our truth. - Live our truth.

Yeah, break away from the binds of tradition, like Malala before us.

Or Harry and Meghan.

Wait. We've also been banished by your family.

Forced to live in the shadows.

But we will not stand for it any more. Evie needs me!

Let's Megxit those dobbers.

You are so funny.

Evie never told me she had a brother.

A big brother.

- Such an interesting job you have, Sachin. - It has its moments.

- Bo... - Oh! - Oh, my gosh!

- What is he doing? - I told Amber to look after him!

We're not going to be in the shadows any more.

The Big Cheese. I'm Bo. I'm Evie's brother,

but she probably hasn't said that cos she's embarrassed of me.

I'm so glad you two have finally met.

Bo, why don't you go and sort yourself out?

I'm fine. I'm just...

- SLURRED: - I'm just feeling a bit... worse for the wear.

I had a...a fight with my girlfriend.

You know how it is. She's a bit...

But don't worry, Evie,

I won't invite her to your big wedding next month.

- Fuck's sake! - What? What wedding?

- Oops. - Dad, we, um, we were going to tell you.

- Something to celebrate? Cremant? - He doesn't drink, Amber!

Oh! My white shirt!

- Salt! - Enzymes! Enzymes! White wine!

Fuck's sake, dab it!

- Dab, dab, dab. - Get off me!

Who are you people?

- Right, well, I'll just... - No, wait!

Erm, if you want to know who we are,

Mum isn't English.

Dad sells garden furniture.

Bo... Well, Bo's always like that. He's very damaged.

And Ranesh doesn't wear cowboy trilbies.

And Evie is my sister.

And she's a really great and thoughtful and creative person.

And she once shat her pants in a nightclub in Zante.

And they were white hot pants and Mum tried to get them clean

using baking soda but she spread it everywhere

and it was such a mess and I'm not supposed to tell that story.

I don't know why, cos it's a fun story and it makes me happy

to tell it. And we have spent this entire evening pretending

to be people we're not, to try and get you to like us, which doesn't

make any sense because you're not very nice and I need to know...

..why are your glasses so tiny?!

Well, I, um...

- ..I think they make me look more interesting than I am. - Oh.

Oh, well, fair enough.

Thank you for your honesty, I guess.

You know, er,

I once shat my pants at the Biennale.

LAUGHTER

It was everywhere!

I don't actually work here!

- Well, son, congratulations are in order. - More cremant?

LOW CHATTER

Oh, hi!

Oh!

- I just bashed my coccyx. - What?

Er, I just... Well, no, it's...

I was thinking about your double foam latte name.

Oh, jeez. That.

Foamward Bound.

Foam... I like that. That's, er, that's fun.

- I know. - The rest were just... filth.

I know you said that we have to dress up to get along,

but dressing up only works for a wee bit of time and then...

Then you just have to be yourself, you know, you can't...

You can't hide who you are for ever.

You can't go about catfishing people for the rest of your life.

I think you should be honest off the bat. I think straight away

you should say, "I'm weird," and not pretend.

Yeah.

So, do you want to go with me to get a not hot beverage

at some point soon?

A cold beverage?

Yes.

Wow!

Erm...well, yeah!

- Yeah, OK. - OK.

Wow! Let's do it!

Cool.

Oh...

MUSIC: Sun Behind The Storm by Robin Adams

# If we have been beaten by the weather

# And if our days have grown cold

# We would do better to remember

# There's always sun behind the storm

# If we are clouded by the darkness

# And if our hearts stood by... #