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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Life... it's literally
all we have.
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00:00:02,941 --> 00:00:04,355
But is it any good?
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00:00:04,390 --> 00:00:06,195
I'm a reviewer,
but I don't review
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00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:08,022
food, books, or movies.
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00:00:08,123 --> 00:00:10,107
I review life itself.
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[screams]
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[triumphant music]
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[parrot squawks]
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♪ ♪
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Over here.
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♪ ♪
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Welcome to Review.
Hello to you all.
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00:00:28,045 --> 00:00:30,211
And please, say "hello"
to A.J. Gibbs.
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00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:32,514
Hi, Forrest.
You look ready for a review.
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00:00:32,614 --> 00:00:34,782
And you look ready
to proffer one to me.
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00:00:34,882 --> 00:00:36,483
Ew.
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Theo from Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma.
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00:00:39,386 --> 00:00:41,456
- Hmm.
- Hi, Forrest.
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I've recently saved up
enough money
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00:00:43,101 --> 00:00:45,125
to open up my own
CrossFit gym.
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00:00:45,226 --> 00:00:47,962
So what's it like to be
a cult leader?
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What's it like
to be a cult leader? Eek.
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I think you'd be good
at that, Forrest.
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I think you'd get a lot
of followers.
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00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:56,203
- Really?
- Yeah.
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00:00:56,303 --> 00:00:59,306
Huh, well would you
like to join my cult?
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No.
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00:01:03,177 --> 00:01:05,446
Okay.
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00:01:05,546 --> 00:01:07,315
All right.
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(Forrest)
Oh, there's old Chuck Manson.
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Always nice to see him.
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I really don't understand
how these things work.
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It's really very simple.
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You find some
vulnerable people,
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you isolate them,
you exploit them for money,
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so on and so forth.
Rivers of blood.
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00:01:24,264 --> 00:01:26,233
Rivers of blood?
Good Lord.
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Trust me, I have seen every
cult documentary ever made.
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(Forrest voice-over)
Lucille's dire assessment of cults
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was certainly overblown,
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00:01:33,508 --> 00:01:35,510
but I did worry
about the possible impact
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that this review could have
on my family life.
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00:01:38,178 --> 00:01:39,779
My girlfriend,
Mrs. Greenfield,
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and I were happily
living together with my father
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in his timeshare cottage,
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an arrangement made necessary
after a fire
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had tragically
destroyed his home.
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It's such a lovely home
that you have here.
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- It is.
- Uh-huh.
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If we can just keep
Forrest out of the kitchen,
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00:01:53,361 --> 00:01:54,496
we'll be fine.
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00:01:54,596 --> 00:01:57,931
Oh, I see. Oh.
[laughs]
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I get it, I get it,
I get it.
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I burned down our other
house, cooking a meal.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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I feel like a walk.
Okay.
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(Forrest voice-over)
That night, as Mrs. Greenfield and I
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00:02:09,236 --> 00:02:10,877
expressed our growing love,
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00:02:10,977 --> 00:02:14,047
I puzzled over a message
to base my cult on.
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And I found it in the stars.
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Do you see those five stars
up there
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in the shape of a letter M?
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That's Cassiopeia.
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00:02:22,023 --> 00:02:23,891
Yeah, that's shaped like a W.
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No, it's an M,
like MacNeil.
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I feel like those stars
are shining right at us.
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It's making me feel like...
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we can lead
a five-star life.
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Wow, that's really...
that's big stuff.
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(Forrest voice-over) And, just like that,
I had my first follower.
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But a good cult
needs more than two people.
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We're out here today just
talking to people
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about leading a five-star life.
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(Forrest voice-over) I set out in search
of lost, sad people.
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You can lead a five-star life.
It's possible.
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(Forrest voice-over) And several of them
were willing to be found.
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Guys, I think we're really
on the first steps
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of an exciting and important
journey of self-discovery.
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(Forrest voice-over) In truth,
there wasn't much to my message,
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but there didn't need to be.
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♪ One star is better
than half ♪
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- ♪ Two stars better than one ♪
- ♪ One star's better than half ♪
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(Forrest voice-over) I had offered a sense
of belonging,
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and that was enough.
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♪ ♪
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(Forrest voice-over) This cult was
a purely fun and positive experience.
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And over the next couple
of weeks,
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we attracted more and more
followers.
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I trust you, you trust me.
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One, two, three, four, five...
ah!
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[laughs]
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(Forrest)
What a great feeling!
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What do you say, Dad?
That's pretty cool, right?
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(Forrest)
Yeah, you can put me down.
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00:03:35,829 --> 00:03:37,095
These are great, aren't they?
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(Forrest voice-over) As the days passed
and my little community
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00:03:39,578 --> 00:03:42,002
came to feel
more and more like a family,
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00:03:42,102 --> 00:03:44,905
I decided our utopia
was missing someone.
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Hey, Dad.
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I have a really
exciting idea, okay?
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You seem pretty
lonely in here,
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and something pretty
exciting is going on
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just across the road
over there.
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Uh...
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Dad, don't you want
to lead a five-star life?
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00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:04,492
Yeah, um... I am worried.
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00:04:04,591 --> 00:04:08,495
You know, worried
is not the right word.
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00:04:08,595 --> 00:04:11,666
I'm wondering...
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slash worried
that this might turn out
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like the model-airplane
club sophomore year.
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This isn't gonna be
anything like that, Dad.
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00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:24,293
For one thing, my followers
love me out there.
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(Forrest voice-over) It was a low blow
for my father to bring up
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00:04:26,627 --> 00:04:29,851
my disastrous leadership
of Model Airplane Club.
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00:04:29,950 --> 00:04:31,852
Now I was determined
to prove to him
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that I could lead a cult
as well as anyone.
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I began following the wisdom
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of cult leaders
who had succeeded before me.
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00:04:42,228 --> 00:04:44,699
First, I granted myself
the extraordinary power
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00:04:44,798 --> 00:04:47,568
of absolving the sins
of my followers.
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00:04:47,668 --> 00:04:50,137
Who else has a burden
to unleash?
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00:04:50,238 --> 00:04:52,639
I stole money from
the pension fund at work.
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00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:54,976
The stars absolve you!
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(all)
One, two, three, four, five!
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00:04:58,012 --> 00:05:00,680
I cheated on my husband
with a total stranger.
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00:05:00,781 --> 00:05:02,983
The stars definitely
absolve you.
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00:05:03,084 --> 00:05:06,153
(all)
One, two, three, four, five!
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00:05:06,252 --> 00:05:07,788
I hit a homeless man
with my car,
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00:05:07,889 --> 00:05:09,290
and I just kept driving.
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00:05:09,389 --> 00:05:12,493
- Seriously?
- Yeah, I did.
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00:05:12,592 --> 00:05:15,062
The stars absolve you!
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(all)
One, two, three, four, five!
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00:05:18,098 --> 00:05:20,568
My children,
I have taken your sins
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00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,737
and transgressions
and crimes,
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00:05:22,837 --> 00:05:24,637
and I have banished
them into the deep,
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00:05:24,738 --> 00:05:26,339
dark void of space.
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00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,077
- We are free!
- [cheers and applause]
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00:05:29,176 --> 00:05:32,679
(Forrest voice-over) Then, to keep everyone
focused on me and being more like me,
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00:05:32,779 --> 00:05:34,481
I instituted a new uniform.
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00:05:34,582 --> 00:05:36,517
- Here.
- We have a new uniform!
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00:05:36,616 --> 00:05:37,851
(Forrest voice-over)
And a reward system.
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00:05:37,952 --> 00:05:39,754
As you earn each level,
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00:05:39,853 --> 00:05:41,822
you will get a new piece
of clothing.
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00:05:41,923 --> 00:05:44,458
The first level
of achievement is shirts.
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00:05:44,558 --> 00:05:46,293
Th second level is pants.
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00:05:46,394 --> 00:05:48,262
Let's hope you get
to that one soon.
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00:05:48,361 --> 00:05:52,200
The third level is jacket.
The fourth level is tie.
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00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:56,603
And level five... the glasses
of enhanced sight.
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00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,538
(Forrest voice-over) And it was all working
beautifully.
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00:05:58,639 --> 00:06:00,708
(Forrest) Congratulations.
You've attained Shirt Level.
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00:06:00,808 --> 00:06:02,343
(Forrest voice-over)
Two months into our time together,
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00:06:02,442 --> 00:06:04,544
the members
of my rapidly growing family
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00:06:04,644 --> 00:06:07,180
were beginning
to treat me like a messiah.
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00:06:07,281 --> 00:06:08,582
[applause]
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00:06:08,683 --> 00:06:10,384
And I liked being a messiah.
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00:06:10,485 --> 00:06:12,686
Cosmic Father, this is all
I have in the world,
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made out to you
in a cashier's check.
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00:06:15,288 --> 00:06:17,056
- Congratulations.
- Yes, indeed.
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00:06:17,156 --> 00:06:20,260
Cosmic Father,
it's my father's old watch.
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00:06:20,361 --> 00:06:21,728
You're my father now.
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- One, two three...
- (all) Four, five.
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Rachel?
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00:06:26,966 --> 00:06:29,269
You haven't surrendered
your assets to the movement yet.
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I just don't think I can,
Cosmic Father.
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00:06:32,339 --> 00:06:33,940
Well, I would hate
for anyone to find out
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about the man that you
hit with your car.
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00:06:37,812 --> 00:06:39,447
A cashier's check
will be just fine.
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00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:42,349
(all)
One, two, three, four, five.
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00:06:45,252 --> 00:06:46,820
(Forrest voice-over) As time progressed,
my leadership of the cult
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00:06:46,921 --> 00:06:49,891
was going well... far better
than Model Airplane Club,
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00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:51,625
even on its best days.
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00:06:51,724 --> 00:06:54,928
The Universe has brought
us an H3T Hummer.
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00:06:55,029 --> 00:06:58,298
It's got a 5.3 liter V8 engine,
so it really hauls ass.
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00:06:58,399 --> 00:07:00,834
And it's ours!
[laughs]
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00:07:00,935 --> 00:07:02,236
I will keep the keys.
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00:07:02,336 --> 00:07:04,973
- One, two, three...
- (all) Four, five.
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00:07:05,072 --> 00:07:07,774
(Forrest voice-over)
And yet, there were problems.
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00:07:07,875 --> 00:07:11,077
There are a few followers
who are thinking about leaving.
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00:07:11,178 --> 00:07:13,413
What?
Thinking about leaving?
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00:07:13,514 --> 00:07:15,249
(Mrs. Greenfield) Yes, they've been
speaking about it amongst themselves,
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00:07:15,349 --> 00:07:17,252
- and they confided in me...
- How shall we punish them?
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00:07:17,351 --> 00:07:19,252
No, no, no, no.
We need to engage them
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00:07:19,353 --> 00:07:21,155
and help them move forward.
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00:07:21,255 --> 00:07:22,822
It might be easier
to punish them.
185
00:07:22,923 --> 00:07:24,291
Perhaps we could dig a ditch.
186
00:07:24,390 --> 00:07:26,093
- Okay, well...
- Do you have a better idea?
187
00:07:26,194 --> 00:07:28,029
Maybe a special project.
188
00:07:28,128 --> 00:07:29,462
That's what I did
when I had
189
00:07:29,562 --> 00:07:31,699
special needs children
in my classes.
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00:07:31,798 --> 00:07:34,769
I will ruminate
on special projects
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00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:37,171
to engage the followers.
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00:07:37,271 --> 00:07:38,439
(Forrest voice-over)
My beautiful Mrs. Greenfield
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00:07:38,538 --> 00:07:40,541
had provided me with
wise counsel.
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00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,241
We needed a new goal.
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00:07:42,341 --> 00:07:46,279
This is why, my friends,
we must build a great space ark
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00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:49,249
to conduct us into the stars!
197
00:07:49,349 --> 00:07:51,118
- A space ark?
- A space ark!
198
00:07:51,219 --> 00:07:52,752
Yes, indeed, my friends!
199
00:07:52,853 --> 00:07:55,623
It may take years to build it,
but when it is complete
200
00:07:55,723 --> 00:07:58,192
we shall leave
this dying planet
201
00:07:58,293 --> 00:08:01,728
and we shall make
the stars our destination!
202
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:04,799
Ha ha ha!
Yes, yes!
203
00:08:04,899 --> 00:08:06,534
- Mrs. Greenfield.
- Yes?
204
00:08:06,634 --> 00:08:08,102
Why don't you
head up this project?
205
00:08:08,202 --> 00:08:09,736
Will you organize it
and do all the work?
206
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,305
Absolutely.
207
00:08:11,404 --> 00:08:13,440
(Forrest voice-over)
This idea was obviously absurd,
208
00:08:13,539 --> 00:08:15,375
but busy people
are happy people.
209
00:08:15,476 --> 00:08:16,644
Let's gather together.
210
00:08:16,743 --> 00:08:18,245
Does anyone know how
to get to space?
211
00:08:18,346 --> 00:08:19,812
(Forrest voice-over)
And Mrs. Greenfield,
212
00:08:19,913 --> 00:08:22,316
who had left her job
as a teacher to be with me...
213
00:08:22,416 --> 00:08:24,218
Was truly in her element.
214
00:08:24,319 --> 00:08:26,420
But my difficulties
were not all behind me.
215
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:27,988
I'm really energized now.
216
00:08:28,088 --> 00:08:29,390
(Forrest voice-over)
It has been said that power
217
00:08:29,489 --> 00:08:31,124
is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
218
00:08:31,224 --> 00:08:34,460
Many of my female followers
would need more than a space ark
219
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,397
to keep them invested
in my movement.
220
00:08:36,497 --> 00:08:38,399
Yes, my child.
221
00:08:38,498 --> 00:08:40,567
(Forrest voice-over) I am not proud of what
I had to do next.
222
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:43,736
Being a cult leader
had clearly gone to my head.
223
00:08:43,836 --> 00:08:47,474
You're welcome, Devon.
It was my pleasure.
224
00:08:47,575 --> 00:08:50,643
Sorry, I'm not really sure
how to feel about this,
225
00:08:50,743 --> 00:08:53,546
- Cosmic Father.
- Feel about what?
226
00:08:53,647 --> 00:08:56,416
You fellating
so many other women.
227
00:08:56,517 --> 00:08:59,020
(Forrest voice-over) I encouraged
Mrs. Greenfield to channel any feelings
228
00:08:59,119 --> 00:09:00,587
of jealousy into
the special project
229
00:09:00,688 --> 00:09:02,089
that I had entrusted her with.
230
00:09:02,190 --> 00:09:03,991
I'm making a real sacrifice
here, you know?
231
00:09:04,090 --> 00:09:05,825
These girls would leave if I
didn't show them some attention.
232
00:09:05,925 --> 00:09:07,027
- Uh-huh.
- Try to put yourself
233
00:09:07,127 --> 00:09:09,397
in my place, okay?
234
00:09:09,497 --> 00:09:12,199
I will, Cosmic Father.
235
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,502
(Forrest voice-over) This was,
in retrospect, a colossal mistake,
236
00:09:15,603 --> 00:09:17,905
as I learned one week later.
237
00:09:18,004 --> 00:09:19,906
- [gun shots]
- Whoo!
238
00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:21,675
- [gun shots]
- Hey, hey, hey!
239
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:24,377
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you doing?
240
00:09:24,478 --> 00:09:25,546
What is happening right now?
241
00:09:25,646 --> 00:09:27,180
- [gun shot]
- Whoo!
242
00:09:27,281 --> 00:09:29,882
This ATM will help
us finance the space ark, huh?
243
00:09:29,983 --> 00:09:31,584
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
244
00:09:31,685 --> 00:09:33,686
Hey, hey, Mrs. Greenfield,
where did you get that gun?
245
00:09:33,786 --> 00:09:35,089
I got it at Walmart.
246
00:09:35,189 --> 00:09:36,891
- [gun shots]
- Oh, God... no!
247
00:09:36,991 --> 00:09:38,459
- Whoo!
- Absolutely not!
248
00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:40,427
Absolutely no guns!
I forbid it.
249
00:09:40,526 --> 00:09:42,729
- No, you can't do that.
- What do you mean?
250
00:09:42,829 --> 00:09:45,565
Well, you're fifth level
and, as you can see,
251
00:09:45,666 --> 00:09:46,867
I am sixth level.
252
00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:48,802
- This is my movement...
- Not anymore.
253
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:50,470
What do you mean,
"not anymore?"
254
00:09:50,570 --> 00:09:52,538
- Well, I'm above you.
- There is no sixth level!
255
00:09:52,638 --> 00:09:54,307
You can't
go higher than six.
256
00:09:54,407 --> 00:09:57,411
There's five levels!
Come on, guys.
257
00:09:57,511 --> 00:09:58,478
Hey, let's get a bonfire going,
and we'll do some dancing.
258
00:09:58,579 --> 00:10:00,046
- Come on.
- No, no, no.
259
00:10:00,147 --> 00:10:03,584
She's sixth level,
and you're fifth level.
260
00:10:03,684 --> 00:10:05,786
Holy [bleep], she's...
she's right.
261
00:10:05,886 --> 00:10:07,554
- Six is better than five.
- Six is greater than five.
262
00:10:07,653 --> 00:10:08,755
One, two, three...
263
00:10:08,855 --> 00:10:11,091
all: Four, five, six!
264
00:10:11,191 --> 00:10:14,127
Come on.
265
00:10:14,228 --> 00:10:16,830
- I think you should go.
- No. No, no.
266
00:10:16,930 --> 00:10:18,999
- You are outcast.
- (Rachel) Outcast!
267
00:10:19,099 --> 00:10:20,567
No. I... I get that you're
kicking me out of the cult,
268
00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:21,567
but are you
and I still gonna be?
269
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,137
No. No!
270
00:10:23,237 --> 00:10:24,738
- Outcast.
- all: Outcast!
271
00:10:24,838 --> 00:10:26,740
- Make way for the outcast.
- all: Outcast!
272
00:10:26,839 --> 00:10:27,941
- No!
- I have a gun.
273
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:30,176
all:
Outcast! Outcast!
274
00:10:30,276 --> 00:10:31,912
- Begone!
- all: Outcast!
275
00:10:32,012 --> 00:10:34,080
I was gonna
get a volleyball net!
276
00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,483
- all: Outcast!
- That's a good idea.
277
00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:36,918
We're gonna
get a volleyball net.
278
00:10:37,017 --> 00:10:39,185
- I love that.
- One, two, three, four...
279
00:10:39,286 --> 00:10:41,522
(Forrest voice-over) I am happy to say that
Lucille's predictions
280
00:10:41,622 --> 00:10:43,824
of bloodshed
did not come to pass,
281
00:10:43,924 --> 00:10:46,894
but the emotional trauma
of losing my new family
282
00:10:46,993 --> 00:10:49,497
and my girlfriend
was pretty bad.
283
00:10:49,597 --> 00:10:51,732
I had forgotten
the first rule of leadership...
284
00:10:51,831 --> 00:10:54,567
know when
and where to delegate.
285
00:10:54,669 --> 00:10:57,839
I had also forgotten
the first rule of cults...
286
00:10:57,939 --> 00:10:59,606
never delegate.
287
00:10:59,705 --> 00:11:03,610
- Just like Model Airplane Club?
- Yeah.
288
00:11:06,555 --> 00:11:08,516
It was uplifting to briefly
289
00:11:08,616 --> 00:11:11,018
feel like I was making
a difference in people's lives.
290
00:11:11,118 --> 00:11:12,954
Giving them a purpose
and a space ark
291
00:11:13,054 --> 00:11:14,387
they didn't have before,
292
00:11:14,488 --> 00:11:16,055
but it hurt to have that joy
293
00:11:16,156 --> 00:11:18,058
ripped out of my hands
and by a woman
294
00:11:18,157 --> 00:11:20,728
I loved and trusted,
no less.
295
00:11:20,828 --> 00:11:22,630
Perhaps the real lesson
here is that
296
00:11:22,729 --> 00:11:25,199
not all who are lost
should be found.
297
00:11:25,299 --> 00:11:29,403
Being a cult leader,
two stars.
298
00:11:29,502 --> 00:11:31,872
One, two.
299
00:11:31,972 --> 00:11:34,909
- I guess that's it.
- Yup.
300
00:11:36,158 --> 00:11:40,546
[triumphant music]
301
00:11:40,647 --> 00:11:43,883
It's time for a new review.
A.J., what'll it be?
302
00:11:43,983 --> 00:11:45,719
It's from @kickitorlickit.
303
00:11:45,819 --> 00:11:48,222
What's it like to have
a perfect body?
304
00:11:48,321 --> 00:11:52,125
#review #question
#iwouldhitthat.
305
00:11:52,225 --> 00:11:53,959
Well, I... I
think I understand
306
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:55,296
the first part of that,
anyway.
307
00:11:55,396 --> 00:11:58,265
What's it like to have
a perfect body?
308
00:11:58,364 --> 00:12:01,167
As a reminder,
Forrest is allowed to veto
309
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:03,570
two reviews this season.
310
00:12:03,671 --> 00:12:06,706
[triumphant music]
311
00:12:06,806 --> 00:12:08,508
Yes, that is true,
312
00:12:08,608 --> 00:12:10,076
but this is not going
to be one of them.
313
00:12:10,176 --> 00:12:11,411
I see what you're saying,
and I take it
314
00:12:11,512 --> 00:12:12,847
as a personal challenge.
315
00:12:12,946 --> 00:12:16,416
I am off to achieve
physical perfection.
316
00:12:16,517 --> 00:12:18,319
[laughs]
317
00:12:18,419 --> 00:12:19,853
(Forrest, voice-over)
The perfect body...
318
00:12:19,954 --> 00:12:22,223
this was surely
a subjective judgement,
319
00:12:22,323 --> 00:12:25,358
but by any standard,
I did not have one.
320
00:12:25,459 --> 00:12:27,828
Oh, hi, Grant.
321
00:12:27,929 --> 00:12:29,697
Hi, Forrest.
322
00:12:33,549 --> 00:12:36,170
I thought the door
was locked.
323
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:38,272
Nope.
324
00:12:39,622 --> 00:12:42,877
(Forrest, voice-over) I started by joining
a spiffy downtown gym,
325
00:12:42,977 --> 00:12:44,879
but I did not like
working out.
326
00:12:44,978 --> 00:12:46,747
It was boring, and it hurt.
327
00:12:46,847 --> 00:12:49,116
Plus, being surrounded
by all those mirrors
328
00:12:49,215 --> 00:12:51,851
made me focus
on my many flaws.
329
00:12:51,951 --> 00:12:54,454
Look at these teeth.
330
00:12:54,555 --> 00:12:57,558
Do you see what I see?
331
00:12:57,657 --> 00:13:01,161
(Forrest, voice-over) A simple dental
prosthetic took care of that problem,
332
00:13:01,262 --> 00:13:05,266
but it wasn't long
before I found another one.
333
00:13:05,366 --> 00:13:07,768
My teeth
were now perfectly white,
334
00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:10,704
but my skin was too white.
335
00:13:12,305 --> 00:13:15,876
Fortunately, tanning salons
are easy to find.
336
00:13:15,975 --> 00:13:19,880
My journey to perfection
was well under way.
337
00:13:22,116 --> 00:13:24,818
But the cult that was living
on my dad's timeshare property
338
00:13:24,917 --> 00:13:28,020
had gotten into the habit of
playing drums around a bonfire
339
00:13:28,121 --> 00:13:29,523
late into the night,
340
00:13:29,623 --> 00:13:31,892
and it was interfering
with my beauty sleep.
341
00:13:31,992 --> 00:13:34,461
What the [bleep]
is going on here?
342
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:35,829
Stay right where you are,
Outcast.
343
00:13:35,929 --> 00:13:37,198
We will not be moved!
344
00:13:37,297 --> 00:13:38,864
- Yeah, that's fine...
- One, two-
345
00:13:38,965 --> 00:13:40,733
all:
Three, four, five, six!
346
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,668
Okay, that's fine.
That's fine.
347
00:13:42,768 --> 00:13:44,370
I'm just really stopping by
to ask if you could please keep
348
00:13:44,470 --> 00:13:46,172
it down a little bit at night?
349
00:13:46,272 --> 00:13:48,240
You know, with the drumming?
You could be a little quieter.
350
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:50,176
What happened to your face?
351
00:13:50,276 --> 00:13:52,679
Oh, I'm trying
to have the perfect body.
352
00:13:52,778 --> 00:13:54,849
Uh, well, that's not
what it looks like.
353
00:13:54,949 --> 00:13:56,717
It looks like
you're an orange beaver.
354
00:13:56,816 --> 00:13:58,818
Oh, Mrs. Greenfield.
355
00:13:58,919 --> 00:14:00,988
Let's not play
these little games.
356
00:14:01,088 --> 00:14:02,823
Okay,
remove the non-believer.
357
00:14:02,922 --> 00:14:04,157
- I want him off the property!
- All right!
358
00:14:04,257 --> 00:14:05,791
- All right, all right.
- Get him!
359
00:14:05,892 --> 00:14:07,328
(Forrest, voice-over)
My rapidly improving appearance
360
00:14:07,427 --> 00:14:09,762
was clearly making
Mrs. Greenfield jealous,
361
00:14:09,863 --> 00:14:12,065
and that gave me
all the encouragement
362
00:14:12,165 --> 00:14:13,166
I needed to keep going.
363
00:14:13,267 --> 00:14:14,568
all:
Four, five, six!
364
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:17,503
One, two, three.
365
00:14:17,603 --> 00:14:19,605
(Forrest, voice-over)
Being perfect from the neck up
366
00:14:19,705 --> 00:14:21,340
didn't make it
any less of a nuisance
367
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,310
to become perfect
from the neck down.
368
00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:26,380
I knew there had
to be an easier way.
369
00:14:27,663 --> 00:14:31,319
We just lay the implant
in under the skin...
370
00:14:31,419 --> 00:14:32,620
instant six pack.
371
00:14:32,719 --> 00:14:33,988
Can I do it with
other muscles, too?
372
00:14:34,088 --> 00:14:35,856
Like, with my arms
and my legs?
373
00:14:35,955 --> 00:14:37,957
Why not?
And listen to this...
374
00:14:38,059 --> 00:14:39,959
I'm having a special
on phalloplasty this month.
375
00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:42,462
Really?
What is that?
376
00:14:42,561 --> 00:14:47,300
That means I can give you
a really big penis.
377
00:14:47,401 --> 00:14:48,868
How big
are we talking about?
378
00:14:48,969 --> 00:14:50,270
(Forrest, voice-over)
Dr. Pirbal seemed to have
379
00:14:50,369 --> 00:14:52,038
a magical shortcut
to perfection.
380
00:14:52,138 --> 00:14:54,975
I opted to get
the full package.
381
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:59,479
Thanks to 40 pounds
of silicone muscle implants,
382
00:14:59,579 --> 00:15:01,281
- and my new gigantic penis...
- Wow.
383
00:15:01,381 --> 00:15:04,017
I was now a walking
work of art.
384
00:15:04,117 --> 00:15:05,719
And others were taking notice.
385
00:15:05,819 --> 00:15:07,120
Hello, Forrest.
386
00:15:07,219 --> 00:15:09,623
Jesus [bleep] Christ.
387
00:15:09,723 --> 00:15:13,026
Hey. What do you say?
Pretty good, right?
388
00:15:13,126 --> 00:15:18,365
Well, it's, uh...
389
00:15:18,464 --> 00:15:19,632
the penis is all right.
390
00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:21,133
I like what
you did with that.
391
00:15:21,233 --> 00:15:23,402
Thank you.
392
00:15:23,502 --> 00:15:25,071
You look good,
393
00:15:25,171 --> 00:15:27,207
but we're not looking
for a good body.
394
00:15:27,307 --> 00:15:29,142
We're looking
for a perfect body.
395
00:15:29,243 --> 00:15:31,444
A perfect body
means symmetry.
396
00:15:31,545 --> 00:15:33,481
You've got
a long way to go.
397
00:15:35,181 --> 00:15:36,382
(Forrest, voice-over)
Grant had a point.
398
00:15:36,483 --> 00:15:38,819
My penis did turn out well.
399
00:15:38,919 --> 00:15:40,420
I thought I was done.
400
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:41,956
(Forrest, voice-over)
But making my body perfect
401
00:15:42,055 --> 00:15:46,146
would require more work.
402
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,094
(Forrest, voice-over)
My new implants certainly made me
403
00:15:48,195 --> 00:15:50,363
appear to be in better shape,
but the added weight
404
00:15:50,464 --> 00:15:51,698
of these artificial muscles
405
00:15:51,797 --> 00:15:54,567
made exercise
extremely challenging.
406
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:57,203
I needed help,
and I found it in the form
407
00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,207
of highly illegal
steroid injections.
408
00:16:00,306 --> 00:16:01,841
[growls]
409
00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:03,140
(Forrest, voice-over)
After a few weeks of dosing,
410
00:16:03,175 --> 00:16:05,079
I was noticeably stronger.
411
00:16:05,179 --> 00:16:08,682
I was also consumed
with rage all of the time.
412
00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,783
Hey, I want that.
413
00:16:10,883 --> 00:16:13,119
I want that one, too!
414
00:16:13,219 --> 00:16:15,589
Yeah!
415
00:16:15,689 --> 00:16:19,526
I wanted it and I took it!
416
00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:22,563
Dad, I put my protein shake
down someplace,
417
00:16:22,662 --> 00:16:24,230
and now I can't find it!
418
00:16:24,330 --> 00:16:26,865
Listen, I'm sorry,
but I told your friends
419
00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,803
that they were making a little
too much noise...
420
00:16:28,902 --> 00:16:30,536
Those aren't my friends
anymore, Dad.
421
00:16:30,637 --> 00:16:33,473
I don't need friends.
I'm perfect.
422
00:16:33,573 --> 00:16:35,142
They just drummed louder,
you know?
423
00:16:35,242 --> 00:16:38,511
So I... I called the police
to file a noise complaint.
424
00:16:38,612 --> 00:16:39,613
The police?
425
00:16:39,713 --> 00:16:41,015
Dad, the police
are weaklings.
426
00:16:41,114 --> 00:16:42,448
They can't do anything.
427
00:16:42,550 --> 00:16:43,950
Watch this.
428
00:16:44,050 --> 00:16:46,520
[growls]
429
00:16:46,619 --> 00:16:49,889
I have already told
you to be quiet!
430
00:16:49,989 --> 00:16:52,625
(Forrest, voice-over) Artificially elevated
levels of testosterone
431
00:16:52,725 --> 00:16:54,994
may be useful for short-term
muscle gain,
432
00:16:55,094 --> 00:16:57,296
but not for
conflict resolution.
433
00:16:57,398 --> 00:17:01,401
[yells]
This is ending now!
434
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,036
One, two,
three, four, five, six.
435
00:17:03,136 --> 00:17:05,805
Evict the outcast!
Evict him.
436
00:17:05,905 --> 00:17:09,174
I have achieved perfection
in body and mind!
437
00:17:09,275 --> 00:17:12,746
- I am the ultimate man!
- all: Five, six.
438
00:17:12,845 --> 00:17:15,481
I will destroy everything
you have built,
439
00:17:15,582 --> 00:17:18,185
starting with this
stupid tambourines!
440
00:17:18,285 --> 00:17:20,586
- And the these stupid drums!
- Hey! Hey! Not the bongos.
441
00:17:20,687 --> 00:17:23,423
This flag used to stand
for something beautiful!
442
00:17:23,523 --> 00:17:26,726
I want you
off my dad's property!
443
00:17:26,825 --> 00:17:29,829
Would you please just stop?
Stop this!
444
00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:31,965
(Forrest, voice-over) As I
rampaged against my ex-girlfriend
445
00:17:32,065 --> 00:17:33,900
and her heavily armed
followers,
446
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,773
the police my dad
called arrived on the scene.
447
00:17:36,808 --> 00:17:37,771
Drop it now!
Drop it!
448
00:17:37,871 --> 00:17:40,940
(Forrest, voice-over) They were
joined by members of the FBI cult squad.
449
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:44,344
As they pulled out their guns
on Mrs. Greenfield's militia,
450
00:17:44,444 --> 00:17:47,580
I pulled out the last weapon
I had at my disposal.
451
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,817
Look upon my works
and despair!
452
00:17:51,918 --> 00:17:54,421
- Oh... Oh, God!
- Put down the weapon!
453
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,123
Oh God, oh God,
oh God.
454
00:17:57,223 --> 00:17:59,076
(Forrest, voice-over)
I do not know who fired first,
455
00:17:59,111 --> 00:18:01,161
or how the horrible chaos began.
456
00:18:01,228 --> 00:18:05,498
But clearly, I had to get
out of there... and fast.
457
00:18:05,598 --> 00:18:06,700
- What are you doing?
- All right, all right,
458
00:18:06,799 --> 00:18:10,936
all right, all right...
Oh God!
459
00:18:11,036 --> 00:18:15,910
- I can't find my...
- No! No! No! Ahh!
460
00:18:20,648 --> 00:18:26,053
Protect the space ark!
Protect the space ark!
461
00:18:26,152 --> 00:18:27,488
(Officer)
Drop it now! Drop it!
462
00:18:27,587 --> 00:18:30,723
Officer! Don't shoot
the orange Hulk!
463
00:18:30,824 --> 00:18:32,392
He's a good boy!
464
00:18:32,491 --> 00:18:35,434
Oh, God.
Oh God, oh God!
465
00:18:40,901 --> 00:18:43,303
- (Father) He's really sweet!
- Dad!
466
00:18:43,402 --> 00:18:45,704
Forrest, I love you!
467
00:18:45,805 --> 00:18:48,842
(Officer)
Down! Drop the gun!
468
00:18:48,941 --> 00:18:52,010
- Dad!
- Oh!!
469
00:18:52,112 --> 00:18:53,880
- Dad!
- Put down the weapon!
470
00:18:53,979 --> 00:18:56,784
Die, monsters, die!
471
00:19:00,086 --> 00:19:03,923
Oh, no! God, no! Oh!
We got to get out of here.
472
00:19:04,024 --> 00:19:05,559
- What?
- Don't look. Don't look.
473
00:19:05,659 --> 00:19:07,928
- They blew up what?
- Don't look at the house.
474
00:19:08,027 --> 00:19:09,829
- Don't look at... why?
- Don't look at it.
475
00:19:09,930 --> 00:19:12,031
Ahh! No!
476
00:19:12,132 --> 00:19:13,933
- Not again!
- We got to go!
477
00:19:14,034 --> 00:19:15,669
(Forrest, voice-over)
All this time later,
478
00:19:15,768 --> 00:19:18,070
I'm still coming to terms
with the horror
479
00:19:18,171 --> 00:19:20,341
of what happened
in that field.
480
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,709
How did my quest
for the perfect body
481
00:19:22,808 --> 00:19:25,945
cost so many other people
their bodies?
482
00:19:26,046 --> 00:19:27,514
It is, by far,
483
00:19:27,613 --> 00:19:28,882
the most terrible experience
484
00:19:28,981 --> 00:19:31,484
this show has subjected me to.
485
00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:33,620
As you can see,
486
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,489
I have discarded the implants
and the fake tan
487
00:19:36,590 --> 00:19:39,459
that caused so much horror.
488
00:19:39,558 --> 00:19:41,427
I'm incredibly lucky
to be alive,
489
00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:43,796
and my father is also lucky
to have only been shot
490
00:19:43,896 --> 00:19:47,099
in the leg, and to have had
his second and final home
491
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,434
burned to the ground.
492
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,970
It could have been
much, much worse.
493
00:19:51,071 --> 00:19:54,540
Which brings me
to Mrs. Greenfield,
494
00:19:54,641 --> 00:19:58,178
who,
I'm very sorry to report,
495
00:19:58,277 --> 00:20:01,680
died in a hail
of police bullets.
496
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:04,617
She came out here
to become a star,
497
00:20:04,718 --> 00:20:08,455
and now she
dances among them.
498
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,957
Considering how little
time she had left,
499
00:20:11,056 --> 00:20:13,993
I'm grateful that
she found the courage
500
00:20:14,094 --> 00:20:17,397
to follow her dreams.
501
00:20:17,497 --> 00:20:20,566
Getting the perfect body,
502
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:22,536
half a star.
503
00:20:25,671 --> 00:20:30,043
So you didn't even keep
your new, uh?
504
00:20:30,142 --> 00:20:32,210
No, I did not keep
my enormous penis,
505
00:20:32,312 --> 00:20:34,314
and I would
rather not say why.
506
00:20:34,413 --> 00:20:37,616
I think your audience
deserves to know that, Forrest.
507
00:20:37,717 --> 00:20:39,620
[sighs]
508
00:20:39,719 --> 00:20:41,822
My penis was so large
509
00:20:41,921 --> 00:20:44,091
that, whenever I achieved
an erection,
510
00:20:44,190 --> 00:20:48,339
I passed out from the lack
of blood flow to my brain.
511
00:20:49,004 --> 00:20:51,597
That's all the time
we have for Review.
512
00:20:51,698 --> 00:20:53,834
Please join us next time.
513
00:20:53,868 --> 00:20:58,868
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.MY-SUBS.com
514
00:21:01,407 --> 00:21:04,111
All me! All me!
All me! All me!
515
00:21:04,210 --> 00:21:05,978
All me! All me! Help.
516
00:21:06,078 --> 00:21:08,114
Help. Help. Help.
Help. Help. Help.
517
00:21:08,215 --> 00:21:10,150
Help.
[grunts]
518
00:21:10,249 --> 00:21:12,226
Why the [bleep]
did you help me?
519
00:21:12,261 --> 00:21:15,199
- Because you...
- Why did you help me?
39120
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