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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Life... it's literally all we have.
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But is it any good?
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I'm a reviewer,
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but I don't review
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food, books, or movies.
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I review life itself.
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[screams]
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[triumphant music]
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[parrot squawks]
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♪
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Over here.
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♪
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Hello, and welcome to Review.
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I'm Forrest MacNeil,
your intrepid lifeonaut
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and, at mission control, as always,
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is A.J. Gibbs.
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A.J. what adventure awaits?
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Me pressing a button.
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Right. Yes, but I was talking about
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what adventure awaits me?
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Oh, well, my adventure comes first.
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Fine.
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Your first review comes
from Vicksburg, Mississippi.
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Forrest, our son James recently
came out as a homosexual.
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We want to be supportive,
but we just don't understand.
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Maybe if we had a better sense of what
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he's thinking and feeling,
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we might have a better
idea of how to cure him.
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Which is an experience
we both dream of having.
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What's it like to cure a gay person?
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Ah-ha. Curing a gay person
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of being a gay person.
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Oh, Forrest, you're gonna
use one of your vetoes right?
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[dramatic music]
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[clears throat] I am, uh, permitted
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to deploy two vetoes this season,
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but it's my job to decide when to do that
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and, uh...
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No. No. I do not think
that now is the time. No.
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Well, I'm off to, uh...
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I'm off to cure a gay person.
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[whimsical music]
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(Forrest) Gay people have
existed since people have existed.
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And, yet, in all that time I
have never closely considered
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who they are or why they might need curing.
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I chose to begin my review
with a fact-finding mission
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to the gay sex shop nearest my dad's house.
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Who is that man?
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(Forrest) While there I was
confronted by a big realization.
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- Mystified.
- (Forrest) It was so enormous
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I suddenly wondered if this
review was even possible
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and I knew I had to
consult my producer Grant.
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Completely mystifying.
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Have you ever looked closely
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at a man's flaccid penis?
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It looks like something that belongs
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on the lightless ocean floor
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and what if, when a gay
man looks at a woman's
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beautiful breasts, he feels the same way.
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That they're like sea
blobs with nipples on them.
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I mean, if that's what a gay man sees
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when he looks at a pair of breasts,
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how am I supposed to change that?
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- It's impossible.
- Exactly.
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What am I supposed to do?
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Well, life is a parade of
people doing impossible things.
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- Wha...
- Hey, when you quit this show
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to go after your ex-wife
and she said it was too late
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- and she rejected you...
- Yeah.
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You vanished from the face of the earth
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until a dog found you
sleeping in a crawl space
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- under a church.
- Yeah, it was a Rottweiler.
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But what if I had told you back then
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that in less than a year
you would turn it all around.
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You'd have your old job back,
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you'd be dating a great coma nurse.
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Oh, well, eh, no, she and I broke up.
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Yeah, well, that is exactly my point.
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Because you don't need her anymore
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because you're back out there,
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you're living a brand-new life.
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So, if you can jump-start
a brand-new life,
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why do you think a gay person can't?
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- Hmm.
- Are you so homophobic
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that you don't think a
gay man can do what you do
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just because he's gay?
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No. Definitely gay men
can do everything I can do
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and probably a lot better.
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- Thank you for that.
- You get out there.
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- Yeah.
- All right.
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(Forrest) Grant had given me a
powerful way into this review.
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If I can get over my
ex-wife, then a gay person
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can surely get over being gay.
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And if a gay person
can't get over being gay,
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maybe I can't get over my ex-wife.
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But I can, and I did,
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and so can a gay person.
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I am a big fan of gays and
the whole gay lifestyle,
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but if you're tired of it,
give me a call, all right?
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I'll straighten you out.
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(Forrest) I distributed hundreds
of brightly-colored fliers,
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but received just a single response
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from a young man who called himself Tim.
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Tim was a gay man who did
not want to be a gay man.
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Unlucky for him, but a very
lucky break for this review.
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My mom won't talk to me
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and my dad thinks I'm going to hell.
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You know, it gets me wondering that maybe
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God made me so depressed to punish me.
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You know, Tim, I was once like you.
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I knew it. I knew it.
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Oh, no, no. I was never a homosexual.
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Nor was I ever attracted to men sexually.
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But I was once attracted to someone
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that I should not have been attracted to.
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I'm talking about my ex-wife, Suzanne.
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And I was able to overcome my love for her,
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you, Tim, will be able to overcome
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your unwanted love, too,
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but you have to be willing to do it.
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- Are you willing to do it?
- Yes.
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- Are you willing to work hard?
- Yes, I'll work hard.
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Do you believe that we
can do this together?
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Yes, I believe you, Forrest.
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Okay.
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How?
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How what?
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(Forrest) I, of course, had no idea,
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but I did know that
learning to un-love Suzanne
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had been traumatic.
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To spare Tim the same
fate I turned to an expert
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who definitely knew what he was doing
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because he was once a gay man himself.
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- I was a gay man myself once.
- (Forrest) Oh, okay.
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(Dr. Arnold) The disease
of homosexuality is rooted
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in the lack of masculine affection
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in a young man's life.
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As a therapist, you
must offer that affection
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in order to make his homosexuality go away.
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Just as my loving therapist did for me.
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Dashing man.
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Yeah. Well, how did he do that?
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(Forrest) The technique was called Holding.
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And while it may not be
supported by traditional science,
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it was Dr. Arnold's signature move.
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The idea was that by seating
himself on my fully-clothed lap,
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Tim would lose the desire
to sit on another man's
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less fully-clothed lap.
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[whimsical music]
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♪
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So, how you feeling?
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Um, just maybe wanted to
talk to you about cologne.
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Try to stay focused,
Tim. Just open your mind
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and tell me how you feel.
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Just maybe thinking about
cologne and mouthwash.
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Shh.
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- [alarm beeps]
- Oh, ah!
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Okay, that's an hour. [Laughs]
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(Forrest) Holding, while
cumbersome at first,
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soon became an accepted part
of life at my dad's house.
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♪
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After five days with Tim on my lap,
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I decided it was time to put my subject,
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and Dr. Arnold's technique, to the test.
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Tell me, please, what this makes you feel.
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Oh, it makes me feel...
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very attracted to that man. [Groans]
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(Forrest) The power of
unwanted love is strong.
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- Wow.
- (Forrest) As I myself understood
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all too well we would need to try harder.
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Put that down.
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I don't think it's gonna
be helpful to look at that.
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So if the hugging doesn't work,
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I mean, is there something else?
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I mean, there's gotta
be something else, right?
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- He's a tough nut.
- Really tough. Really tough.
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Here's what I recommend.
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Okay, this is called syrup of ipecac
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and it's gonna make you
feel very, very nauseous.
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(Forrest) Dr. Arnold had a lot more ideas
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for turning a gay man straight.
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You're going to associate naked men
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and their penises with this feeling.
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(Forrest) Some of them were disgusting.
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- [retching]
- He is making you feel sick.
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- You made me sick.
- No, I didn't make you sick.
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- He did by being so sexy.
- You made me sick.
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(Forrest) Others were
surprisingly athletic.
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- Get the anger out.
- Oh, God.
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The bed is Satan. Satan made you gay.
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Why'd you make me gay, stupid bastard?
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- Okay, okay.
- [screams]
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Oh, Tim, sorry, this is my
bed. I do have to sleep here.
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(Forrest) But the results
were always the same.
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- You feel any less gay?
- [sighs]
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No. No.
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(Forrest) I began to fear that
I would spend the rest of my life
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trying to fulfill this one review.
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It was time to try my own ideas.
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[techno music]
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I needed to offer Tim a good alternative
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to homosexuality.
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I chose heterosexuality
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and introduced him to the allure of women.
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♪
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I'm sorry, I just need
like a little space here.
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Forrest, I don't think I can do this. Okay?
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Just focus on the
pleasurable aspects of it.
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- What's pleasurable about it?
- I just feel bad.
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- Do you want to change, or not?
- Yeah, I wanna change.
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- You do wanna change?
- I wanna change, I'm trying.
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Listen, I'm just gonna
wait... He doesn't want it.
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Don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere.
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It may seem impossible to you,
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but the impossible is possible.
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I got over my ex-wife,
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you can get over your ex-sex.
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- You gotta believe that.
- Well, you talk about her...
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- You can do it. Okay?
- Okay, I'll... I'll...
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- Okay.
- I need to get a drink, though.
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- All right?
- That's fine.
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- (woman) Yeah, yeah.
- Yes, I would love a drink.
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If they have a Pinot Grigio
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- that looks good...
- Okay...
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You paid for the dance,
do you want the rest?
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- I didn't catch your name.
- Shampoo.
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Shampoo. Hi, Shampoo.
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- 'Cause you're dirty.
- Ooh.
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And you need to be cleaned.
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(Forrest) Our evening was going very well
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and it was time to take things
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to the next logical heterosexual step.
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I don't want to be too forward,
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but, uh, maybe...
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- after you get off work...
- Yeah?
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You and one of your
colleagues might like to join
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00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,499
my friend and myself for a drink.
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[laughter]
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Well, we are hanging out
with some pretty, gorgeous
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ladies in my opinion. Wouldn't you agree?
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- Yeah.
- Thank you.
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So much more attractive
than men. Both of you are.
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I cannot believe that you are both single.
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- That's incredible to me.
- Well, my boyfriend
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just broke up with me
'cause he can't handle
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- what I do for a living.
- Are you kidding me?
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You know, my wife left me
for the exact same reason.
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You and I have a lot in common.
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- We really do.
- We do.
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But we don't have too much in common, Tim.
251
00:09:29,165 --> 00:09:31,499
Tim. She and I don't
have too much in common.
252
00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:33,499
- You know what I'm saying?
- Uh, yeah.
253
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:34,580
We have different genitals.
254
00:09:34,605 --> 00:09:36,499
(Forrest) Distracted as I was
255
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,499
by Shampoo's beguiling charms
256
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,500
I did not notice that Tim had snuck off
257
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:43,499
with Trinity. A troubling development.
258
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,499
The patient was out of my care.
259
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,499
Hey, where did they go? Where did they go?
260
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:52,499
(Forrest) I would not find out
until our meeting the following day.
261
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,499
Hi. Tim, what happened to you last night?
262
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,499
I turn around and you
and Trinity were gone.
263
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:58,499
I'm texting you all night
long. You didn't get back to me.
264
00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:00,499
- [stammers]
- Oh, well, Trinity
265
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,499
took me out to this bar called Dick Town
266
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,499
and we talked for a long time.
267
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:05,820
You and Trinity went out to a bar?
268
00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:07,499
Yeah, we did. Called Dick Town.
269
00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,499
- Okay.
- And, uh, a guy came over
270
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,499
and, uh, his name was Pete.
271
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,499
Uh-huh. Then what?
272
00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:16,499
We just stayed there the whole night.
273
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,499
Danced, and, oh, my God.
Burned the place down.
274
00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:21,500
- [laughs]
- Anything else go on?
275
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,499
Uh, yeah, I don't know how to put this,
276
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,499
but I feel like I had a
breakthrough last night.
277
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,820
(Forrest, voice over) I could
not have been happier for Tim.
278
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,499
It was very clear to me that
he and Trinity the stripper
279
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,499
had fallen in hetero love.
280
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,499
So let me ask you this...
281
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,500
Do you still feel haunted
by any homosexual urges?
282
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:45,499
Haunted... I...
283
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:47,499
I would say I am... I'm not.
284
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:50,500
I'm not haunted anymore.
I feel great. Really.
285
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,500
I did it. [Laughs]
286
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,499
- I really did it.
- Uh, what?
287
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:57,499
I cured you.
288
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,499
I...
289
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,499
And they said it was impossible.
290
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:03,499
Well, good luck getting over your ex-wife.
291
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:05,499
That's super hard I know, so...
292
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:06,499
Nope, I already did that, but thank you.
293
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,499
Oh, and speaking of which, you know, maybe
294
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,500
one of these days you, me,
and Shampoo, and Trinity
295
00:11:10,525 --> 00:11:11,885
should all go out on a double date.
296
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,499
Pete, too. [Chuckles]
297
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:17,499
- Who's Pete?
- Pete? The guy I met yesterday.
298
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:18,499
He's really sweet, super-understanding.
299
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:19,499
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
300
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:21,499
- Yeah.
- I thank you so much.
301
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,499
I really appreciate it.
I'm gonna head out, okay?
302
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:24,499
- Okay, great.
- Yeah.
303
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,499
- Enjoy your new life.
- I will.
304
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,580
(Forrest, voice-over) In
the end, curing a gay person
305
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,499
was indeed every bit as possible
as getting over my ex-wife.
306
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:34,499
It's about something good happened to you.
307
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,499
- This is on the house.
- [chuckles]
308
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,500
- What is it?
- Coconut cream pie.
309
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,300
(Forrest, voice-over) And who can
really say that either thing was wrong
310
00:11:42,325 --> 00:11:45,499
when Tim and I are clearly so very happy?
311
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,499
To be clear, I have no problem
312
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,499
with anyone's sexual orientation.
313
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,499
What I do have a problem
with, is giving up.
314
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,499
I don't care whether
you're gay or straight,
315
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:55,740
if you're sick of it, change it.
316
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:59,499
It was inspiring to help Tim
find a way to love someone new
317
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,499
and I am happy to say that in the process,
318
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:04,499
I found someone special myself. Shampoo.
319
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:06,499
We are now a couple. [Laughs]
320
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:10,499
So I give curing a gay two beautiful stars
321
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:11,500
who belong together.
322
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,499
The next request comes from
Jerry in Portland, Maine.
323
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:19,500
- Mm-hmm.
- Jerry writes:
324
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,500
Oh, my goodness.
325
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,300
The Mile High Club.
Well, I know what that is.
326
00:12:29,325 --> 00:12:31,499
- Oh, my yes.
- I'm off to have sex
327
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,499
on an airplane.
328
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:34,500
Gee, wiz.
329
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,500
Oh, boy.
330
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,300
You're one of those guys
that carries a condom
331
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:41,499
wherever you go, huh?
332
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:42,000
Ugh.
333
00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:47,594
[(Forrest, voice-over] I have been
flying to San Francisco monthly
334
00:12:47,595 --> 00:12:49,594
to pick up my son Eric
for our weekends together.
335
00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,594
It seemed natural that I would invite
336
00:12:51,595 --> 00:12:54,594
my new lady-friend Shampoo
to join me on my next trip
337
00:12:54,595 --> 00:12:59,595
and voila: membership
in the Mile High Club.
338
00:13:02,595 --> 00:13:04,594
I'm really excited to meet your son.
339
00:13:04,595 --> 00:13:05,595
Yeah.
340
00:13:06,595 --> 00:13:07,675
- I really like kids.
- Mmm.
341
00:13:08,595 --> 00:13:10,594
Hey, look...
342
00:13:10,595 --> 00:13:14,594
now that we are... one mile up in the air,
343
00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:17,594
do you want to, uh... [clicks tongue]
344
00:13:17,595 --> 00:13:19,595
- [laughs]
- What?
345
00:13:20,595 --> 00:13:23,594
[whispers] Let's go
have sex in the bathroom.
346
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:25,555
[whispers] I'm not gonna
have sex in the bathroom.
347
00:13:25,595 --> 00:13:26,594
- Why not?
- It's gross.
348
00:13:26,595 --> 00:13:29,594
- What's gross about it?
- People are [bleep] in there.
349
00:13:29,595 --> 00:13:30,995
Oh, come on. This is a short flight,
350
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:33,594
I don't think anybody is pooping on the way
351
00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,594
up to San Francisco.
352
00:13:35,595 --> 00:13:38,594
- Come on.
- Is that why you invited me?
353
00:13:38,595 --> 00:13:41,594
- No.
- Because I'm a stripper...
354
00:13:41,595 --> 00:13:43,594
So I'd be up for that? Right?
355
00:13:43,595 --> 00:13:46,595
- No.
- Gross.
356
00:13:47,595 --> 00:13:49,235
Everybody on this plane likes to have sex.
357
00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:51,594
(Shampoo) You know what? If
it was all about sex for me,
358
00:13:51,595 --> 00:13:54,595
I would have found somebody a lot hotter!
359
00:13:58,595 --> 00:14:02,594
That is one of the rudest things
360
00:14:02,595 --> 00:14:03,835
that anyone has ever said to me.
361
00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:06,594
[scoffs]
362
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:08,075
[crying] I thought you were different.
363
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,100
I thought maybe for once I met a nice guy.
364
00:14:12,595 --> 00:14:14,595
I'm gonna give you some space.
365
00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:18,995
(Forrest, voice-over) Rather
than turned on by the idea of sex
366
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,594
in an airplane bathroom, Shampoo...
367
00:14:20,595 --> 00:14:24,594
a professional clothes
remover, seemed stunned.
368
00:14:24,595 --> 00:14:26,594
My trip to the Mile High Club with her was,
369
00:14:26,595 --> 00:14:30,594
as they say in the travel
business, cancelled.
370
00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:32,594
I would need to find someone on this flight
371
00:14:32,595 --> 00:14:34,595
more sexually adventurous than a stripper.
372
00:14:36,595 --> 00:14:38,595
And just when all seemed lost...
373
00:14:42,595 --> 00:14:45,594
Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Sorry to bother you.
374
00:14:45,595 --> 00:14:47,594
Can I switch seats with you by any chance?
375
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:49,594
- (man) What?
- I'm in 23D.
376
00:14:49,595 --> 00:14:51,595
Just right up there. Thank
you very... ah, thank you.
377
00:14:51,596 --> 00:14:52,956
- Yeah, that's great.
- Ass[bleep].
378
00:14:52,981 --> 00:14:55,594
Thank you so much. It is middle seat.
379
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:57,595
(Forrest, voice-over) After
pouring out every ounce
380
00:14:57,620 --> 00:15:00,594
of available charm on to this woman Beth,
381
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,595
I was clearly, incredibly enough,
382
00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:05,594
being considered for
admission into the club.
383
00:15:05,595 --> 00:15:06,595
- Yes, exactly.
- [laughs]
384
00:15:07,595 --> 00:15:08,594
You can go into space
without being an astronaut.
385
00:15:08,595 --> 00:15:10,594
(Captain) We have begun our initial descent
386
00:15:10,595 --> 00:15:12,594
into San Francisco International Airport.
387
00:15:12,595 --> 00:15:14,594
Please return to your seats and make sure
388
00:15:14,595 --> 00:15:16,594
your seatbelts are securely fastened.
389
00:15:16,595 --> 00:15:18,594
Hey, Beth...
390
00:15:18,595 --> 00:15:21,594
This is gonna sound crazy.
391
00:15:21,595 --> 00:15:24,594
[whispers] I wanna have
sex with you right now.
392
00:15:24,595 --> 00:15:27,594
[laughs]
393
00:15:27,595 --> 00:15:29,596
- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.
394
00:15:30,595 --> 00:15:31,755
Let's just follow this moment.
395
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:34,594
Did you feel it?
396
00:15:34,595 --> 00:15:38,594
- Yeah, I did.
- I knew it.
397
00:15:38,595 --> 00:15:40,594
Okay, so, will you sneak to the bathroom
398
00:15:40,595 --> 00:15:41,795
with me right now and have sex?
399
00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:44,594
- So, we gonna [bleep]?
- Yeah.
400
00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:45,594
[pings]
401
00:15:45,595 --> 00:15:47,594
It's just the seatbelt light's on.
402
00:15:47,595 --> 00:15:50,594
- Yeah, so?
- When we get to the airport
403
00:15:50,595 --> 00:15:52,594
take a cab to the closest hotel.
404
00:15:52,595 --> 00:15:54,594
Listen, I can't wait that long.
405
00:15:54,595 --> 00:15:56,594
Okay, we'll find a place in the airport.
406
00:15:56,595 --> 00:15:57,955
No, I can't wait that long, either.
407
00:15:57,980 --> 00:15:59,980
- No, seriously...
- No, it's super dangerous.
408
00:16:00,595 --> 00:16:02,594
No, it's not that dangerous.
409
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,635
(Forrest, voice-over) Beth
could obviously disregard
410
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,594
many of societies
guidelines for how to behave,
411
00:16:06,595 --> 00:16:08,594
but not, for some
reason, the seatbelt sign.
412
00:16:08,595 --> 00:16:10,594
I don't wanna do it in an airport bathroom.
413
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,594
I wanna do it in an airplane bathroom.
414
00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:14,594
- Seriously.
- Yeah, but the seatbelt sign
415
00:16:14,595 --> 00:16:16,035
- is on...
- Who cares about the sign?
416
00:16:16,036 --> 00:16:18,035
- Seriously?
- Let's go to a nice hotel.
417
00:16:18,036 --> 00:16:19,594
No, thank you.
418
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:21,595
Oh, my God.
419
00:16:23,595 --> 00:16:24,955
Oh, hey, what about another flight?
420
00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:27,594
No, don't touch me! Okay?
421
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:29,876
(Forrest, voice-over) My failure
to join the Mile High Club
422
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,594
was dispiriting, but I eager to try again
423
00:16:32,595 --> 00:16:33,835
on that afternoon's return trip.
424
00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:36,594
First, I'd need to pick
up my traveling companion
425
00:16:36,595 --> 00:16:38,594
my 12-year-old son Eric.
426
00:16:38,595 --> 00:16:39,635
- Why hello.
- Hi, Forrest.
427
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,594
- How are you?
- I'm good. I'm good.
428
00:16:41,595 --> 00:16:42,675
- Good, good.
- Are you fe...
429
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:44,594
- you feeling better and...
- Yeah.
430
00:16:44,595 --> 00:16:46,594
You know, they got all the bullets out.
431
00:16:46,595 --> 00:16:48,594
- That's good.
- Uh, yeah.
432
00:16:48,595 --> 00:16:50,594
Oh, Suzanne, this is Shampoo.
433
00:16:50,595 --> 00:16:51,594
Shampoo, Suzanne.
434
00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:53,115
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
435
00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:54,594
Yes, this is my girlfriend.
436
00:16:54,595 --> 00:16:57,594
- Oh.
- Ex-girlfriend.
437
00:16:57,595 --> 00:17:00,594
Okay. Are you sure that it's okay for me
438
00:17:00,595 --> 00:17:02,594
to send Eric with you guys?
439
00:17:02,595 --> 00:17:04,594
Yeah. What do you mean?
440
00:17:04,595 --> 00:17:06,594
Uh, just, you know, you're required to have
441
00:17:06,595 --> 00:17:08,594
a safe and stable environment,
442
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,594
- so I didn't know if...
- That's what I have.
443
00:17:10,595 --> 00:17:11,595
- A safe and stable environment.
- What you and Shampoo
444
00:17:12,595 --> 00:17:13,755
had cooked up for the weekend.
445
00:17:13,780 --> 00:17:15,594
Please bring him out here. Eric and I,
446
00:17:15,595 --> 00:17:16,595
and possibly Shampoo, are
gonna have a wonderful weekend
447
00:17:17,595 --> 00:17:18,875
- together.
- Eric, come on down.
448
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:19,900
Your dad's here.
449
00:17:20,595 --> 00:17:21,915
What do you mean my ex-girlfriend?
450
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:22,915
What's that about?
451
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:24,594
- Hey, hey. There he is.
- Hey.
452
00:17:24,595 --> 00:17:25,835
How's it going? Nice to see you.
453
00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:27,594
Okay, well, uh, text me, honey.
454
00:17:27,595 --> 00:17:30,594
It will not be necessary
for any texting to occur.
455
00:17:30,595 --> 00:17:32,594
I'm taking away your
texter. All right, good.
456
00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:33,755
Are you going to introduce me?
457
00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:35,594
What? Oh, sorry.
458
00:17:35,595 --> 00:17:36,595
Uh, Eric, this is Shampoo.
459
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,594
- Hi.
- Hey.
460
00:17:38,595 --> 00:17:40,595
(Forrest) Status unclear.
461
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,559
You guys are not boyfriend, girlfriend?
462
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,559
We were, but on the flight up here your dad
463
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,559
sent some weirdo to sit with me,
464
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:51,559
so he could pick up another woman.
465
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,559
Okay, that's enough
gossip, please. Thank you.
466
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,920
(Forrest, voice-over) Shampoo
and I had apparently broken up,
467
00:17:55,945 --> 00:17:57,559
but I still had a job to do.
468
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,560
I had to find someone who I was certain
469
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:01,680
would not reject my advances.
470
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,680
Oh, I see an old friend.
I'm just gonna pull over here
471
00:18:04,705 --> 00:18:05,559
real quick and, uh,
472
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,560
say hello to an old friend.
473
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,559
I'll be right back.
474
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,559
- Oh, hi, there.
- Hi, baby.
475
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,559
What's he doing?
476
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,559
Looks like your dad is
picking up a street whore.
477
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,560
I've been a prostitute for eight years.
478
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,559
- Eight years?
- Mm-hmm.
479
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,559
- I guess you love your work.
- Yeah, baby.
480
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,559
I am definitely looking forward to this.
481
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,559
- Oh, you're gonna love it.
- Yeah.
482
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,559
(Forrest, voice-over) My
Mile High Club membership
483
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,559
- was finally on track.
- [pings]
484
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,880
(woman) The captain has turned
off the fasten seatbelt sign.
485
00:18:37,905 --> 00:18:40,905
(Forrest, voice-over) But then I hit
some bizarre and unexpected turbulence.
486
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,559
- How much is he paying you?
- $200 plus the ticket.
487
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,559
I'll give you $300 if I can go first.
488
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,559
Oh, sorry, excuse me. Just
mind your own business.
489
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,559
- Thank you.
- Uh, sold.
490
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,200
(Forrest, voice-over) Incredibly
enough I had stumbled onto a flight
491
00:18:53,225 --> 00:18:55,559
full of recovering sex addicts
on an immersion therapy trip
492
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,559
- to a Tijuana brothel.
- $350 if I get to go first.
493
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,559
- Yup, come on.
- What?
494
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,560
$400 plus 10,000 frequent flier miles.
495
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,800
(Forrest, voice-over) And the
line for immersion was long.
496
00:19:06,825 --> 00:19:09,559
Take note, this is apparently
497
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:10,840
one of the things that can happen
498
00:19:10,865 --> 00:19:13,559
when you are so determined
to have sex on an airplane
499
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,560
then you hire a prostitute
to travel with you.
500
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,559
This extraordinary, and
horrifying, development
501
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,559
led to a truly disgusting turn of events.
502
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,559
Though my prostitute,
Margaret, did earn enough money
503
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,559
to self-publish her book of poetry.
504
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,559
- Finally.
- [pings]
505
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,559
(man) The captain has turned
on the fasten seatbelt sign.
506
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:32,680
(Forrest) What are you doing?
507
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,559
- We gotta sit down.
- What? Why?
508
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,600
You can't be standing when
the seatbelt light is on.
509
00:19:36,625 --> 00:19:38,559
No, no, no, no. You gotta be kidding me.
510
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:39,559
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
511
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,640
This is gonna take, like,
one or two minutes. Please.
512
00:19:41,665 --> 00:19:43,559
- We gotta go back there.
- No. No.
513
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,559
I have to join the Mile
High Club right now.
514
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,559
Well, okay, but I have
to have my seatbelt on.
515
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,560
It's okay. Listen, here.
516
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,559
Put the little blanket on.
517
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,840
And do it right here in the seat?
518
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,080
- Yeah.
- (Man) Flight Attendants will be
519
00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,480
coming through the cabin
to collect any remaining
520
00:19:59,505 --> 00:20:01,559
- service items.
- Uh, you better hurry.
521
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,559
Yeah, okay, fine.
522
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,559
[metal jingles, zipper unzips]
523
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,640
(Forrest, voice-over) I was,
eventually, allowed entry
524
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,559
into the Mile High Club, but so what?
525
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,560
As it turned out any
idiot was free to join.
526
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,559
I learned that I prefer
my sexual encounters
527
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,559
to be both free and free of spectators.
528
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,559
[sighs]
529
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,559
[cries]
530
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,559
I also learned the only
belt I want to unbuckle
531
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,559
to have sex is my pant's belt.
532
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,559
And, perhaps also, my heart's belt.
533
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,559
No matter how scary the turbulence.
534
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,560
Joining the Mile High Club, three stars.
535
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,880
I can't believe it didn't work out
536
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,559
between you and Shampoo.
537
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,559
I mean, you treated her horribly,
538
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,560
but who knew she'd have
so much self-respect?
539
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,559
There was no way of editing that...
540
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,559
that didn't make it seem horrifying.
541
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:52,720
- That's really gross.
- Yeah.
542
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,560
[triumphant music]
41216
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