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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:00,199 --> 00:00:03,498
Life... it's literally all we have.
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00:00:03,499 --> 00:00:04,498
But is it any good?
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00:00:04,499 --> 00:00:05,498
I'm a reviewer,
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00:00:05,499 --> 00:00:06,498
but I don't review
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00:00:06,499 --> 00:00:08,498
food, books, or movies.
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I review life itself.
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[screams]
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[triumphant music]
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[parrot squawks]
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♪
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00:00:18,499 --> 00:00:20,498
Over here.
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00:00:20,499 --> 00:00:24,498
♪
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Hello and welcome to Review.
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00:00:27,499 --> 00:00:29,498
Whatever life experience
you're curious about,
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00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:32,498
I will do it, and then I will review it.
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00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:35,498
I'm Forrest MacNeil, back for more life,
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00:00:35,499 --> 00:00:37,498
and how exciting to be reunited
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00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:40,498
with the world's greatest
review assignment reader,
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00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,498
A.J. Gibbs.
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00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:42,498
Hello, Forrest.
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- Welcome back.
- Thank you, A.J.
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Now let's face it, our first
season was not easy on me.
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- I will end you!
- Oh!
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00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:52,899
You killed my father in outer space?
25
00:00:52,924 --> 00:00:54,498
- Oh!
- Jack!
26
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What's it like to get a divorce?
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00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:59,498
You are gonna die alone,
so get out of here.
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00:00:59,499 --> 00:01:01,498
(Forrest) When the season was over,
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00:01:01,499 --> 00:01:03,498
I spent some time lost in the wilderness,
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despairing over what seemed to be
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the pointless destruction of my life.
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[sobbing] Why?
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But then I read the inspiring
letters, tweets, and emails
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from my viewers,
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and I saw that this show
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00:01:14,499 --> 00:01:17,498
gives meaning to my life and yours.
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00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,539
The destruction of my life
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00:01:18,564 --> 00:01:21,498
was anything but pointless.
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00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,498
Now, in order to ensure that my life
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doesn't go to hell again
as I live on your behalf,
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I will now be permitted to veto two reviews
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here in our Veto Booth.
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[dramatic music]
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Now, without any further ado,
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00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:39,498
let us find out the first
review of season two.
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♪ Do, do-do-do
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Do, do-do-do. Yes.
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Our very first review comes
from Colleen in Eugene, Oregon.
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Hi, Forrest.
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I'm at a Zen retreat right now.
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What's it like to get
into a bare-knuckle brawl?
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A bare-knuckle brawl? Wow.
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Yeah. You want to dodge this one, Forrest?
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Is it veto time already?
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00:02:00,499 --> 00:02:03,498
[dramatic music]
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00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:06,498
No. No, thank you, A.J.
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Life has knocked me down,
and I'm ready to get back up
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and fight.
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00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,498
After the difficulties of last season,
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I moved into my boyhood
home with my lonely father,
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00:02:16,499 --> 00:02:19,498
a perfect place to embark on this review,
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since the last time I lived here,
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I was of an age when
conflicts were often settled
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with fisticuffs.
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Now this young man,
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me, had absolutely no interest
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in fighting at all.
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I opted to avoid such confrontations
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either by running away or changing schools.
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As a matter of fact,
slugging my producer, Grant,
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at the end of last season is
the first punch I've ever thrown.
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[grunting] (all) Oh!
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And I have a feeling my second punch
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is not too far off.
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I'll call you if I need
a ride home, all right?
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I'll come and get you,
and don't slam the door.
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I didn't.
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[dramatic music]
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I set out to find someone
to whom I could serve
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one or both of my knuckle sandwiches,
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but everywhere I went,
perfectly decent people
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were going about their lives,
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failing to provoke a righteous pummeling.
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[horn honks]
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[exhales deeply]
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♪
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Aha.
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Well, this man just cut
me in line for the ATM.
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Now I have a reason to start
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a bare-knuckle brawl.
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Ahem.
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Excuse me.
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- I was next for that ATM.
- Just...
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- [grunts]
- Oh, [bleep]! Wow, wow.
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That really hurts.
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That's something I had not considered,
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00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:44,498
how much it hurts me to punch somebody.
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Obviously it hurts when
you're getting punched, but...
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Ah!
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[gunshots]
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Oh, [bleep]! [Bleep]! [People screaming]
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[bleep]! [Bleep]! Oh.
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- Yeah, I just shot somebody.
- [bleep], [bleep]!
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- Why?
- I don't know.
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I got scared, okay?
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Just shut up for a
minute. Let me think, Mom.
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[siren wails] Yes, it happened again, okay?
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Forrest?
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You getting this?
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Forrest?
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[dramatic music]
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(Forrest) Having been shot
three times with a gun,
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I underwent emergency
surgery to save my life.
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00:04:23,499 --> 00:04:26,498
The extreme blood loss
caused me to slip into a coma,
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00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:29,498
which I can only describe as restful.
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00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,498
Review footage
allows me to appreciate
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that I received many visitors
in my unconscious state,
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including my producer, Grant,
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and my executive assistant, Lucille,
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00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:41,498
who struggled to put
their concern into words.
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00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:42,498
What if we, like, put a pillow on his face
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00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,498
and pretended we were smothering him?
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I mean, we would be smothering him,
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00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:47,420
but we'd take the pillow off, obviously.
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00:04:47,445 --> 00:04:49,498
Would he fight for life?
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00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:52,498
(Forrest) My intern, Josh, stopped
by with his new girlfriend, Tina.
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00:04:52,499 --> 00:04:56,498
They behaved regrettably
during their visit.
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00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:59,498
I was touched to see that even
my estranged ex-wife stopped by,
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00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:02,498
and despite the presence
of this show's cameras,
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00:05:02,499 --> 00:05:06,498
almost entered my room.
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00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:08,498
But most frequently by
my side were my father
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and my nurse, Marisa,
who was holding my hand
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00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:15,498
when I miraculously emerged
from two months in a coma.
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Excuse me, I was next for that ATM.
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- Bicycle.
- Very good.
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00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:26,498
(Forrest) Marisa stayed by my side
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00:05:26,499 --> 00:05:28,498
down the long road to recovery.
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Conspiracy.
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00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:34,498
Bridge.
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00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:36,498
(Forrest) And I'm happy
to say that we struck up
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00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:37,498
a bit of a romance.
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(Marisa) That's good.
143
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(Forrest) Learning to walk again was
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one of the greatest challenges of my life,
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but Marisa's cheerful, nurturing presence
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gave me something to walk toward.
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00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,498
There you are.
148
00:05:48,499 --> 00:05:51,498
(Forrest) Over time, we
shared our fears and struggles,
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and I vowed to get strong enough
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to hold Marisa up as she now held me,
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or as she put it one day during therapy...
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I heal you,
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you heal me.
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00:06:02,499 --> 00:06:04,498
[both laugh]
155
00:06:04,499 --> 00:06:06,498
- Thank you.
- I'm so proud of you.
156
00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:09,498
- God, Forrest, you almost died.
- Yes.
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00:06:09,499 --> 00:06:11,539
Are you starting to think
that maybe you should have
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00:06:11,564 --> 00:06:14,498
stayed in hiding and not
come back to Review?
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00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,498
Quite the opposite, A.J.
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00:06:15,499 --> 00:06:17,498
A near-death experience has a way
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of focusing the mind on what's
really important in life,
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and I feel more certain than ever before
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that what's important
in my life is this work.
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Wow.
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00:06:27,499 --> 00:06:29,139
And I certainly didn't think that my fists
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would lead me to a new girlfriend.
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So allow me to weigh the
good and the bad things
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that come from a bare-knuckle brawl
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00:06:35,884 --> 00:06:39,884
and give it a very balanced 2 1/2 stars.
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00:06:42,545 --> 00:06:46,844
[triumphant music]
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This next one is an email from Ahmed
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00:06:49,845 --> 00:06:50,885
in East Lansing, Michigan.
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00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,845
- East Lansing?
- Can you believe it?
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00:06:54,845 --> 00:06:55,845
Yes.
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00:07:01,845 --> 00:07:02,844
- Blackmail?
- Blackmail.
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00:07:02,845 --> 00:07:04,844
My goodness. Wow.
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00:07:04,845 --> 00:07:06,844
Okay, well, uh,
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00:07:06,845 --> 00:07:10,844
it looks like I am about to
enter the rather shady world
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of using people's secrets against them.
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Here I go.
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00:07:15,845 --> 00:07:17,125
(Josh) And then I'd just be like,
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"Listen, you put $500
million in the garbage can,
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"or Mr. MacNeil's gonna
tell the whole world
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00:07:22,845 --> 00:07:24,085
about you, you [bleep] pervert."
185
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,844
- Yes. Okay.
- Yeah.
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00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,844
So what dirt do you
have on Queen Elizabeth?
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00:07:28,845 --> 00:07:31,844
I mean...
188
00:07:31,845 --> 00:07:33,845
I don't... I don't really have anything.
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00:07:34,845 --> 00:07:36,844
(Forrest) My staff and
I scoured the Internet
190
00:07:36,845 --> 00:07:39,844
for damaging information
about prominent public figures,
191
00:07:39,845 --> 00:07:41,844
but we came up empty.
192
00:07:41,845 --> 00:07:44,844
I realized I would need
to capitalize on secrets
193
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I already possessed.
194
00:07:46,845 --> 00:07:49,844
Lucille, two weeks ago Friday,
195
00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:54,844
I saw you out canoodling with a man,
196
00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:55,925
not your boyfriend, Gordon.
197
00:07:55,950 --> 00:07:57,950
Really thin guy in a baggy pair of jeans?
198
00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:00,844
Yeah. That was him.
199
00:08:00,845 --> 00:08:01,885
It would really be a shame
200
00:08:01,886 --> 00:08:03,366
if Gordon were to find out about that.
201
00:08:03,391 --> 00:08:04,844
It was Gordon.
202
00:08:04,845 --> 00:08:07,844
He just had lap band surgery.
203
00:08:07,845 --> 00:08:09,844
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
204
00:08:09,845 --> 00:08:11,845
Well, he looks great.
205
00:08:15,845 --> 00:08:17,365
(Forrest) That night, my darling Marisa
206
00:08:17,390 --> 00:08:19,844
slept peacefully in my childhood bed,
207
00:08:19,845 --> 00:08:22,844
but my concern over this
review made sleep impossible
208
00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:25,844
and a few extra painkillers necessary.
209
00:08:25,845 --> 00:08:27,844
It was then that I realized
210
00:08:27,845 --> 00:08:30,844
I did know someone with a damaging secret.
211
00:08:30,845 --> 00:08:33,844
Marisa had a habit of helping herself
212
00:08:33,845 --> 00:08:35,844
to her patients' leftover pills.
213
00:08:35,845 --> 00:08:38,844
No amount of painkillers
could anesthetize me
214
00:08:38,845 --> 00:08:41,844
from what I would have to do next.
215
00:08:41,845 --> 00:08:43,965
My cousin Dede just got back
from the Terranea Resort.
216
00:08:44,845 --> 00:08:45,844
She said it's gorgeous.
217
00:08:45,845 --> 00:08:47,844
- We should go there sometime.
- [sighs]
218
00:08:47,845 --> 00:08:49,844
She said that they do couples massages,
219
00:08:49,845 --> 00:08:51,844
but they come to your room,
220
00:08:51,845 --> 00:08:54,844
which means your room has to be big...
221
00:08:54,845 --> 00:08:56,844
- Yes.
- To fit two...
222
00:08:56,845 --> 00:08:58,844
whole massage tables.
223
00:08:58,845 --> 00:09:00,844
Yes.
224
00:09:00,845 --> 00:09:04,844
Honey, I... What are you doing?
225
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,844
This bottle of Percocet
226
00:09:06,845 --> 00:09:08,844
is made out to Edith Reinhardt.
227
00:09:08,845 --> 00:09:10,844
Uh, sweetheart...
228
00:09:10,845 --> 00:09:13,844
are you Edith Reinhardt?
229
00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:15,844
Am I... no. I'm... no.
230
00:09:15,845 --> 00:09:17,845
No. Neither am I.
231
00:09:18,845 --> 00:09:20,844
This bottle of generic OxyContin
232
00:09:20,845 --> 00:09:22,205
is made out to Acquanetta Hamilton.
233
00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:25,844
Are you Acquanetta Hamilton?
234
00:09:25,845 --> 00:09:27,844
I'm... what are you doing?
235
00:09:27,845 --> 00:09:28,844
Neither am I.
236
00:09:28,845 --> 00:09:31,844
You and I aren't any of these people
237
00:09:31,845 --> 00:09:34,845
because you stole these pills.
238
00:09:35,845 --> 00:09:37,845
Okay. Those people are dead now.
239
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,405
So they're just going to be thrown away,
240
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:42,844
and it's wasteful.
241
00:09:42,845 --> 00:09:44,844
If you don't give me $500 a week
242
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:45,844
for the next six months,
243
00:09:45,845 --> 00:09:50,844
I'm gonna show, uh, all these to your boss.
244
00:09:50,845 --> 00:09:52,845
[gentle piano music]
245
00:09:53,845 --> 00:09:55,844
Why would you do that?
246
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:56,845
You're being blackmailed.
247
00:09:56,870 --> 00:09:59,844
I'm be...
248
00:09:59,845 --> 00:10:00,845
Yeah. Okay.
249
00:10:01,845 --> 00:10:03,885
- I'm being blackmailed?
- You're being blackmailed.
250
00:10:03,910 --> 00:10:04,844
Yeah.
251
00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:06,845
You... you did something wrong,
252
00:10:07,845 --> 00:10:09,125
and you're going to have to pay...
253
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,844
No, I understand the concept of blackmail.
254
00:10:10,845 --> 00:10:12,844
- Okay.
- What is wrong with you?
255
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:15,844
♪
256
00:10:15,845 --> 00:10:18,844
Thank you.
257
00:10:18,845 --> 00:10:21,844
Thank you very much.
258
00:10:21,845 --> 00:10:22,845
Do you need money?
259
00:10:23,845 --> 00:10:25,365
Are you in, like, trouble or something?
260
00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:26,844
I'm gonna write you a check, okay?
261
00:10:26,845 --> 00:10:28,844
- You are?
- For $1,000, yes.
262
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,844
But can you please put the pills away?
263
00:10:30,845 --> 00:10:33,844
(Forrest) Marisa seemed to
feel that writing this check
264
00:10:33,845 --> 00:10:35,045
would put an end to the matter,
265
00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:37,844
and her misunderstanding
allowed us to move on
266
00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:38,844
for now.
267
00:10:38,845 --> 00:10:40,844
I counted this $1,000 as payment
268
00:10:40,845 --> 00:10:42,844
for the first and second weeks.
269
00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:44,844
With the storm cloud of extortion
270
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:45,965
comfortably in the distance,
271
00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:47,844
Marisa and I fell deeper
272
00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,844
and deeper in love.
273
00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:52,845
But when the third week
came and Marisa didn't pay,
274
00:10:53,845 --> 00:10:54,965
I carefully chose a good time
275
00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:56,844
to remind her of our arrangement.
276
00:10:56,845 --> 00:11:01,844
Oh, by the way... [sighs]
277
00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:06,844
I do need that $500 by
10:00 tomorrow night,
278
00:11:06,845 --> 00:11:08,845
or I'm gonna just have to tell your boss
279
00:11:08,846 --> 00:11:10,845
about the stolen pills.
280
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:12,844
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
281
00:11:12,845 --> 00:11:14,844
Why would you do that to me, you asshole?
282
00:11:14,845 --> 00:11:17,844
Okay, okay, well, maybe the real question
283
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,845
is why would you steal narcotics, right?
284
00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:20,845
You took some of those pills, Forrest.
285
00:11:21,845 --> 00:11:22,844
Okay, okay. All right.
286
00:11:22,845 --> 00:11:24,085
You benefitted from those pills.
287
00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:25,110
Let's just drop it.
288
00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:28,005
$500 by 10:00 tomorrow and
now let's just cuddle, okay?
289
00:11:28,030 --> 00:11:29,844
- No.
- I call... I call inside spoon.
290
00:11:29,845 --> 00:11:32,844
You can't blackmail me and
then try to be the inside spoon!
291
00:11:32,845 --> 00:11:35,844
(Forrest) Marisa was not spooning,
292
00:11:35,845 --> 00:11:37,844
inside or out.
293
00:11:37,845 --> 00:11:39,844
Our relationship was in trouble,
294
00:11:39,845 --> 00:11:41,845
and it was blackmail's fault.
295
00:11:43,944 --> 00:11:46,943
(Forrest) I did what I could to be there
296
00:11:46,944 --> 00:11:47,943
for Marisa, indeed, spending
much of the blackmail money
297
00:11:47,944 --> 00:11:49,944
she paid me to buy a
couples massage package
298
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:51,943
at the Terranea Resort.
299
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,944
But my numerous calls to
invite her went unanswered.
300
00:11:59,944 --> 00:12:00,944
Hi.
301
00:12:01,944 --> 00:12:04,943
I hadn't heard from you, and
I was just really worried.
302
00:12:04,944 --> 00:12:07,943
That's because you're
blackmailing me, Forrest.
303
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,064
You know that doesn't keep
me from missing you, right?
304
00:12:10,089 --> 00:12:12,943
Forrest, this is the worst thing
305
00:12:12,944 --> 00:12:14,024
anyone has ever done to me.
306
00:12:14,049 --> 00:12:14,943
Do you get that?
307
00:12:14,944 --> 00:12:16,943
What happened to "I heal you, you heal me"?
308
00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:18,943
Nothing has happened to that.
309
00:12:18,944 --> 00:12:20,943
Just this... this is
also happening to both...
310
00:12:20,944 --> 00:12:23,144
- Doesn't make any sense.
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
311
00:12:23,169 --> 00:12:25,943
- I got you... no.
- I don't want them.
312
00:12:25,944 --> 00:12:27,944
Marisa, just tell me what I can do.
313
00:12:28,944 --> 00:12:31,943
You could stop blackmailing
me, you [bleep] douchebag.
314
00:12:31,944 --> 00:12:34,943
Oh, come...
315
00:12:34,944 --> 00:12:37,943
Marisa, sweetheart,
316
00:12:37,944 --> 00:12:41,943
uh, I need this week's payment.
317
00:12:41,944 --> 00:12:44,943
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
318
00:12:44,944 --> 00:12:46,943
(Forrest) Our relationship
was falling apart,
319
00:12:46,944 --> 00:12:48,943
and I was heartbroken.
320
00:12:48,944 --> 00:12:51,943
I'm leaving the flowers
on your doorstep, okay?
321
00:12:51,944 --> 00:12:52,943
Those are yours.
322
00:12:52,944 --> 00:12:54,943
- [bleep] flowers.
- Ow.
323
00:12:54,944 --> 00:12:57,943
(Forrest) But Marisa's choice to not pay me
324
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,943
left me with no choice.
325
00:13:00,944 --> 00:13:02,944
Oh.
326
00:13:05,944 --> 00:13:07,943
Just wanted to stop by
and just let you know
327
00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:09,943
what a wonderful nurse Marisa is.
328
00:13:09,944 --> 00:13:13,943
She's just a devoted, committed nurse.
329
00:13:13,944 --> 00:13:15,944
That's good.
330
00:13:16,944 --> 00:13:21,943
You know, I just also wanted to add...
331
00:13:21,944 --> 00:13:24,943
sometimes she would even, uh, swipe pills
332
00:13:24,944 --> 00:13:26,943
from other patients to give to me.
333
00:13:26,944 --> 00:13:29,943
Above and beyond the call of duty,
334
00:13:29,944 --> 00:13:31,264
and those are some of those pills.
335
00:13:31,944 --> 00:13:33,104
- Swipe pills?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
336
00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:34,943
Yeah, so just wanted to let you know
337
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,943
that you've got a real superstar
338
00:13:36,944 --> 00:13:38,943
of a nurse on your hands.
339
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,944
There's nothing bad about
her. There's nothing bad.
340
00:13:40,969 --> 00:13:42,943
(Forrest) I hoped that by emphasizing
341
00:13:42,944 --> 00:13:44,943
Marisa's assets rather than her felonies,
342
00:13:44,944 --> 00:13:46,943
I could secure the minimum punishment.
343
00:13:46,944 --> 00:13:49,943
Maybe the two would even
cancel each other out.
344
00:13:49,944 --> 00:13:52,943
Sadly, that evening, I
learned that was not the case.
345
00:13:52,944 --> 00:13:55,943
(Marisa) Forrest!
346
00:13:55,944 --> 00:13:57,024
- Is that Marisa?
- Forrest!
347
00:13:57,049 --> 00:13:59,943
- That is Marisa.
- Get over here!
348
00:13:59,944 --> 00:14:01,943
- Marisa, are you okay?
- You told her!
349
00:14:01,944 --> 00:14:03,944
- I know.
- You told my boss!
350
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:06,224
I know, I know. I'm really sorry.
351
00:14:06,249 --> 00:14:08,943
- I'm really sorry.
- I lost my job.
352
00:14:08,944 --> 00:14:09,984
- Oh, God.
- I lost my job!
353
00:14:10,944 --> 00:14:12,304
I will never work as a nurse again!
354
00:14:12,944 --> 00:14:13,943
What am I going to do?
355
00:14:13,944 --> 00:14:14,943
I really did not want that to happen.
356
00:14:14,944 --> 00:14:15,943
Why did you force my hand like that?
357
00:14:15,944 --> 00:14:17,943
- I forced you?
- I mean, I really had no...
358
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:18,943
You did. I mean, I asked you so many times.
359
00:14:18,944 --> 00:14:20,943
I could go to jail, you [bleep]head.
360
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,943
Okay, listen, I hope you don't go to jail.
361
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:23,943
I really do, but if you did,
362
00:14:23,944 --> 00:14:25,304
I would visit you every single day.
363
00:14:25,329 --> 00:14:26,769
I don't [bleep] care if you visit me.
364
00:14:26,944 --> 00:14:27,943
I was in love with you.
365
00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:29,224
What do you mean you were in lo...
366
00:14:29,249 --> 00:14:31,049
I'm still in love with
you. Nothing's changed.
367
00:14:31,074 --> 00:14:32,354
I'm not in love with you anymore.
368
00:14:32,944 --> 00:14:33,944
You blackmailed me.
369
00:14:34,944 --> 00:14:36,943
Oh, wow. I know.
370
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,464
And sometimes that's what blackmail is.
371
00:14:38,489 --> 00:14:39,943
- It hurts the people you love.
- No.
372
00:14:39,944 --> 00:14:40,943
- And it's really bad.
- No, no.
373
00:14:40,944 --> 00:14:41,943
It's really, really bad.
374
00:14:41,944 --> 00:14:43,944
- You hurt me...
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
375
00:14:44,944 --> 00:14:46,264
- And I hurt you.
- Oh, God! Whoa!
376
00:14:46,289 --> 00:14:47,943
[gunshot]
- Oh, God!
377
00:14:47,944 --> 00:14:48,944
Oh! Oh, my God.
378
00:14:49,944 --> 00:14:52,225
- Da... oh, are you all right?
- Yeah, she shot the ceiling.
379
00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:53,943
Oh, my God, she was gonna shoot me.
380
00:14:53,944 --> 00:14:55,943
(Forrest) Blackmail requires a callousness
381
00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:57,943
not suited to the average man.
382
00:14:57,944 --> 00:14:59,943
Put it down! You're
pointing it at yourself!
383
00:14:59,944 --> 00:15:01,943
(Forrest) It may have made me extra money,
384
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,943
but it made my life immeasurably poorer.
385
00:15:04,944 --> 00:15:07,943
Eat a bag of [bleep]! I hate you.
386
00:15:07,944 --> 00:15:09,943
(Forrest) In trying to
do this review justice,
387
00:15:09,944 --> 00:15:13,943
I somehow brought disaster
to the life of someone I love.
388
00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,943
Ruined my life!
389
00:15:15,944 --> 00:15:18,944
I'm deeply saddened to
lose my sweet Marisa.
390
00:15:21,944 --> 00:15:23,943
Blackmail is bad.
391
00:15:23,944 --> 00:15:25,943
1 1/2 stars.
392
00:15:25,944 --> 00:15:26,944
Whew.
393
00:15:30,417 --> 00:15:34,717
[triumphant music]
394
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:39,716
This review is tweeted to us by @JustinMFR.
395
00:15:39,717 --> 00:15:41,717
- Aha.
- He writes...
396
00:15:44,717 --> 00:15:47,716
I guess, uh, I guess I'm off to seek glory.
397
00:15:47,717 --> 00:15:49,716
- In a hole.
- Yes.
398
00:15:49,717 --> 00:15:52,716
Good. Okay.
399
00:15:52,717 --> 00:15:55,716
♪
400
00:15:55,717 --> 00:15:57,717
(Forrest) There are two
types of holes in the world,
401
00:15:57,742 --> 00:16:00,716
those that promise glory
and those that do not.
402
00:16:00,717 --> 00:16:06,716
♪
403
00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:08,757
And though I'd never
considered the question before,
404
00:16:08,782 --> 00:16:11,716
it was no simple task to
distinguish one from the other.
405
00:16:11,717 --> 00:16:14,717
Excuse me, is this a glory hole?
406
00:16:18,717 --> 00:16:20,716
That's a family hole.
407
00:16:20,717 --> 00:16:28,717
♪
408
00:16:31,717 --> 00:16:33,716
Do you know if there's
anything on the Internet
409
00:16:33,717 --> 00:16:37,716
about where to find anonymous sex?
410
00:16:37,717 --> 00:16:39,717
I think pretty much the
whole Internet is for that.
411
00:16:39,742 --> 00:16:42,716
That has not been my
experience with the Internet,
412
00:16:42,717 --> 00:16:45,716
but I'm looking for a
glory hole, in particular.
413
00:16:45,717 --> 00:16:46,716
Oh, if you're looking for a glory hole,
414
00:16:46,717 --> 00:16:48,716
you should just go to,
like, a seedy gay bar.
415
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,716
[chuckles] Okay.
416
00:16:50,717 --> 00:16:53,716
That is quite possibly the
least helpful suggestion
417
00:16:53,717 --> 00:16:55,716
you could ever have made. [Chuckles]
418
00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:58,716
I mean, why would a woman give
anonymous oral sex at a gay bar?
419
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:00,717
[chuckles]
420
00:17:01,717 --> 00:17:02,717
I'll look online.
421
00:17:04,717 --> 00:17:06,716
(Forrest) Josh and the
Internet came through,
422
00:17:06,717 --> 00:17:10,716
locating a long list of
active glory holes in my area.
423
00:17:10,717 --> 00:17:12,717
There were a lot of lonely ladies
424
00:17:13,717 --> 00:17:15,716
and a lot of glory holes in this city.
425
00:17:15,717 --> 00:17:20,716
I headed to the one
closest to my dad's house.
426
00:17:20,717 --> 00:17:22,716
Well, here it is.
427
00:17:22,717 --> 00:17:26,716
I must say, the idea of
placing my member into this hole
428
00:17:26,717 --> 00:17:28,716
to be pleasured by some mystery woman
429
00:17:28,717 --> 00:17:30,716
has me excited, yes,
430
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,717
but also pretty nervous.
431
00:17:35,717 --> 00:17:38,716
Here we go. [Clears throat]
432
00:17:38,717 --> 00:17:40,717
[zipper unzips]
433
00:17:45,717 --> 00:17:46,717
[exhales]
434
00:17:57,717 --> 00:18:01,716
So far, uh...
435
00:18:01,717 --> 00:18:03,717
nothing to report.
436
00:18:06,717 --> 00:18:10,716
♪
437
00:18:10,717 --> 00:18:13,716
Oh, sorry. Just using the glory hole.
438
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:16,716
(Forrest) I had arrived a bit early,
439
00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:18,716
but once the sun went down
440
00:18:18,717 --> 00:18:20,716
and the park was officially closed,
441
00:18:20,717 --> 00:18:23,717
the glory hole was officially open.
442
00:18:27,717 --> 00:18:31,716
The name was right. It was glorious.
443
00:18:31,717 --> 00:18:33,716
The woman behind that stall had a talent
444
00:18:33,717 --> 00:18:35,716
well beyond anything I
had ever experienced...
445
00:18:35,717 --> 00:18:37,716
Oh, wow. Oh, wow.
446
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,317
(Forrest) Well beyond anything my ex-wife
447
00:18:39,342 --> 00:18:41,716
had demonstrated on any of my birthdays.
448
00:18:41,717 --> 00:18:42,716
Wow.
449
00:18:42,717 --> 00:18:44,716
(Forrest) I returned the next night
450
00:18:44,717 --> 00:18:45,717
and the night after that,
451
00:18:45,742 --> 00:18:50,716
and on each occasion, the
glory was equally glorious.
452
00:18:50,717 --> 00:18:52,716
There was etiquette to consider...
453
00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:53,716
Whoa, excuse me.
454
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,716
- I'm next for the glory hole.
- Hey, man.
455
00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:58,716
(Forrest) But in general, I found
no downside to the glory hole.
456
00:18:58,717 --> 00:19:01,716
Myself and the other men
enjoying this woman's talents
457
00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:05,716
were experiencing sexual
intimacy at its best.
458
00:19:05,717 --> 00:19:07,716
I was completely satisfied
459
00:19:07,717 --> 00:19:10,716
without having to cater
to my partner's pleasure.
460
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:14,716
I knew it would be a violation
of the spirit of the glory hole
461
00:19:14,717 --> 00:19:16,716
to meet the generous
woman on the other side
462
00:19:16,717 --> 00:19:17,716
of that partition,
463
00:19:17,717 --> 00:19:19,716
but wasn't it equally unforgivable
464
00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:21,717
to let the chance to meet her pass?
465
00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:24,716
Yes, it was.
466
00:19:24,717 --> 00:19:27,716
Oh, I'm sorry.
467
00:19:27,717 --> 00:19:30,717
The woman who was just in here,
did you see where she went?
468
00:19:31,717 --> 00:19:32,717
No.
469
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:38,716
(Forrest) I began spending
all my spare time in the park
470
00:19:38,717 --> 00:19:40,716
searching for my mystery mouth.
471
00:19:40,717 --> 00:19:44,716
And then, it happened.
472
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:45,717
- Hey there.
- Hi.
473
00:19:46,717 --> 00:19:48,716
I've been seeing you here a bunch lately.
474
00:19:48,717 --> 00:19:49,717
- [laughing]
- It's funny.
475
00:19:49,742 --> 00:19:50,716
Yeah. I'm Forrest.
476
00:19:50,717 --> 00:19:52,716
- I'm Lynn.
- Her name was Lynn.
477
00:19:52,717 --> 00:19:53,917
(Forrest) She was a PhD student
478
00:19:54,717 --> 00:19:56,716
and exactly the sort of
sweet-natured person who,
479
00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:59,716
it seemed to me, would
selflessly pleasure strange men
480
00:19:59,717 --> 00:20:01,716
through the partition of a bathroom stall.
481
00:20:01,717 --> 00:20:04,716
Hey, I got a crazy question for you.
482
00:20:04,717 --> 00:20:07,716
Hmm?
483
00:20:07,717 --> 00:20:09,117
Are you the woman in the glory hole?
484
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:11,716
I have been putting my
erect penis in that hole
485
00:20:11,717 --> 00:20:13,877
for the past week, and I
just thought I recognized you.
486
00:20:13,902 --> 00:20:14,716
Wait, hang on.
487
00:20:14,717 --> 00:20:16,716
(Forrest) Was she the wrong woman,
488
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:19,716
or was she indeed the maven of the stall?
489
00:20:19,717 --> 00:20:22,716
I would never know.
490
00:20:22,717 --> 00:20:25,716
In most relationships,
there is a wall of some sort
491
00:20:25,717 --> 00:20:28,716
keeping two people from
truly seeing each other.
492
00:20:28,717 --> 00:20:31,716
A glory hole makes that wall literal,
493
00:20:31,717 --> 00:20:33,037
but it doesn't make the experience
494
00:20:33,062 --> 00:20:34,716
any less meaningful.
495
00:20:34,717 --> 00:20:38,717
Glory holes, 4 1/2 stars.
496
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:41,797
You never did find the woman
497
00:20:41,822 --> 00:20:43,716
behind that glory hole, did you, Forrest?
498
00:20:43,717 --> 00:20:45,716
Sadly, no, I did not.
499
00:20:45,717 --> 00:20:48,716
I have a feeling you never will.
500
00:20:48,717 --> 00:20:51,716
That's all the time we have
for my first episode back.
501
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:52,757
It feels great to be here.
502
00:20:52,782 --> 00:20:55,217
Please join us next time on Review.
503
00:21:01,671 --> 00:21:03,670
Did you eat lunch yet?
504
00:21:03,671 --> 00:21:06,170
- You like French dip?
- Sure.
505
00:21:06,171 --> 00:21:07,211
- Okay.
- You know a place?
506
00:21:07,236 --> 00:21:08,236
Yeah.
507
00:21:11,171 --> 00:21:13,171
As you were.
36638
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