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Life. It's literally all we have.
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But is it any good? I'm a reviewer.
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But I don't review food, books or movies.
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I review life itself.
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Aah!
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Aah!
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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
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Hello! And knock, knock!
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Oh, cute! Who's there?
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Forrest MacNeil. And to
my left is A.J. Gibbs.
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What's my first review?
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"Forrest MacNeil. And
to my left is A.J. Gibbs.
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What is my first review?" who?
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What?
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What?
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I have no idea what just happened.
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But please, press the button.
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The first review comes from
Juanita in Madrid, Iowa.
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Hi! Juanita Morales here,
licensed electrician.
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00:00:53,985 --> 00:00:55,951
Check me out on Yelp,
four and a half stars.
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00:00:55,986 --> 00:00:57,058
Check her out on what?
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I'd like to know, what's
it like to be a co-host?
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Oh, interesting! Hmm.
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What is it like to be a co-host?
25
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Of what, I wonder?
26
00:01:05,740 --> 00:01:07,465
As there are a few different
ways of approaching the...
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- What are you doing?
- Go hit the button!
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- What?
- Yeah. You go back there.
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And you hit the button.
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- You're a co-host!
- Right.
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I could be a co-host right here!
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- Uh-huh.
- Oh, terrific.
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Uh, well, Juanita, off
I go to be a co-host!
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Uh-huh!
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- Don't have to travel very far.
- Nope!
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It's right over here. Okay, good.
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Sit right here.
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- Well, Forrest...
- Yes?
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what's my first review?
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I don't know.
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Please, press the button.
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Oh, yes! Right. Ah.
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As co-host, I will press the button.
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Uh, yeah! Okay, a cartoon bubble
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has popped up to say that we have a webcam
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from somebody named Mork
in Loris, South Carolina.
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Mork? That's an unusual name.
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- Hey, this is Mark.
- Ah.
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What's it like to slap a stranger's ass?
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- Well, you know, Mork...
- Thank you, Mark! And cute beanie!
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that request does sound a bit silly.
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- What are you doing?
- Well, here I go to find out
53
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what it's like to slap a stranger's ass.
54
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,938
Oh, I see. Well, yeah.
55
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But not really. A.J.? A.J.?
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You're not really gonna
do... You can't do that.
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Can you stop for a second?
'Cause that's not a good idea.
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A.J.? A.J., you're not a life reviewer.
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So please don't go... I should do it.
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A.J.?
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A.J.
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This assignment had gone from frivolous
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to deeply concerning, as A.J. Gibbs,
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who is totally unqualified to do my job,
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headed out into the world
to review a life experience
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that was meant for me.
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But what was I supposed to do?
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I've never thought much
about what A.J. does
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or ever spoken to her about her duties,
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if, in fact, she has duties.
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I have no idea.
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So I explored the world
behind "Review" for clues
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00:03:02,338 --> 00:03:03,904
about the co-host's life...
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Oh, hey! I didn't know if
you wanted A.J.'s lunch.
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...and sought guidance from our staff.
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Maybe you can help me with something.
I'm trying to figure out, uh, what to do.
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Can you tell me, what does A.J. usually
do when I'm out reviewing things?
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I think she just hangs out with friends.
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She has a lot of friends.
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Oh, okay. Thank you!
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As I explored her surprisingly
large dressing room,
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I began to learn more about A.J. Gibbs...
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That must be her dad.
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...and her freewheeling lifestyle.
85
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Hanging out at the beach and skiing, hmm.
86
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A.J.'s job clearly occupied
a small place in her life.
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As a reviewer of life,
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my role in the world is crucial.
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How could anyone do something
as trivial as co-hosting?
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Yes, I did kill that man in self-defense
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in order to defend
myself. It occurred to me
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that since A.J.'s lack of
responsibilities allowed her
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to take care of personal
business, I could do the same.
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I used my time to rehearse testimony
for my upcoming murder trial.
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I killed that man in order to
defend myself in self-defense.
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I was currently facing life in prison
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without the possibility
of parole as a result
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of last season's review
of killing a person...
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...in which a person was killed.
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I wish he hadn't tried to kill me.
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He might be here in
this courtroom right now.
102
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Except that we wouldn't be in the courtroom
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because no one would've been murdered.
104
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And I would not be...
No, don't say, "murdered."
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Ah, good question. Half a star.
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A murderer who wanted to murder somebody
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would probably have given the experience
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more than half a star,
maybe even five stars.
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- I give...
- Come on, Forrest, A.J.'s back.
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- Already?
- Yes. Got to get you changed.
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What do you mean, get me changed?
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The co-host doesn't wear the same
thing for the intro and the outro, so...
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A.J. changes clothes?
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A.J.'s surprisingly quick
completion of her assignment
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meant that there was precious little time
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to understand the experience
of being a co-host.
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I don't hate it.
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But the bow tie's slowing the momentum.
119
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- What?
- Try this.
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And for some reason, much of that time
121
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would be spent trying to improve
on the perfectly acceptable outfit
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I usually wear.
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- Fine, right?
- Oof.
124
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You should never wear
gray with that skin tone.
125
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It's almost as bad as tan.
126
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- Try this.
- And give me those glasses.
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- They're at war with your face.
- Yeah, and winning.
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- You're on in 2.
- Ridiculous.
129
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As with A.J., this would
be my first opportunity
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to see the host's work.
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- A.J...
- Love the suit! Tom Ford?
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I don't know. Do you really
change outfits for every review?
133
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- Yay, here we go.
- Here we go!
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I was nervous, both for her and my show.
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I set out to find a stranger
with an ass that I could slap.
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She works out.
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As I studied these random asses,
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I thought about what our
asses tell the world about us.
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Watching A.J.'s review on the monitor
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was an anxious and
uncomfortable experience.
141
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...a kind patient, understanding person.
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How I wished I could jump into the screen
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and take my rightful place,
slapping the ass of a stranger.
144
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But as co-host, my job was
to do absolutely nothing.
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And so I did.
146
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But would it be right
to exploit a human being
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in this way just to see what it feels like?
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Also, I thought it would be respectful
to check in with my boyfriend.
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How would he feel about me
slapping a stranger's ass?
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Does it matter if it's a man or a woman?
151
00:06:10,672 --> 00:06:11,853
Uh-huh.
152
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My thoughts exactly. I love you, too.
153
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Thinking about others instead
of just myself allowed me
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to learn something I will never forget.
155
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What... What happened?
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What... That's not it. Is that it?
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- Yeah.
- No.
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Slapping a stranger's ass would have
made me disrespect someone I knew,
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someone I didn't know, and someone
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I just got to know a
little bit better... me.
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But you didn't, uh, do
it. You didn't do it.
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- Right.
- The assignment is,
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well, you've got to slap a stranger's ass!
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You didn't slap a
stranger... You didn't do it!
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How are you gonna give it stars?
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Who cares how many stars slapping
a stranger's ass would get?
167
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Who cares how many stars?
That's the whole point of it!
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If you don't want to do
something, you can veto it, right?
169
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But you've got to do that
before you leave the studio!
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I guess you don't, 'cause I didn't.
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Slapping a stranger's
ass... I didn't do it.
172
00:07:01,619 --> 00:07:03,621
No. That's not a...
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In my time as co-host, I felt
rudderless and insignificant.
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00:07:09,828 --> 00:07:11,963
But I am thankful for the experience
175
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because it reaffirmed that
my rightful place in the world
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is out in it issuing life reviews
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instead of watching
someone else botch them.
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- No offense.
- I'm not offended.
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Being a co-host gets half a star.
180
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- If you say so.
- I do.
181
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Oh, I cannot wait to get back
out there and review something!
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What is next, A.J.?
183
00:07:36,026 --> 00:07:38,152
An e-mail from Mamma Carlotta.
184
00:07:38,232 --> 00:07:39,183
Mamma Carlotta?
185
00:07:39,249 --> 00:07:41,824
"When my son complains
about his miserable life
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as a carnival attraction,
I tell him he's had it easy.
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Will you please show my boy,
Johnny, The Human Hamster,
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what real adversity looks like?
189
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What's it like to be Helen Keller?"
190
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- You're kidding!
- Oh!
191
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What is it like to be Helen Keller?
192
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Fascinating. What a great question.
193
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I think I know all I need to
begin this assignment right now.
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00:08:02,404 --> 00:08:03,357
- Right now?
- Yes.
195
00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:06,401
I am going to find out
what it is like to be blind
196
00:08:06,447 --> 00:08:09,580
and also deaf and also mute.
197
00:08:09,630 --> 00:08:11,063
She couldn't speak.
198
00:08:11,169 --> 00:08:13,738
Off I go to be Helen Keller!
199
00:08:13,773 --> 00:08:17,031
- Oh! Forrest! Forrest!
- Ohh! Ow! Ah!
200
00:08:17,066 --> 00:08:18,705
- Are you okay?
- I can't hear you.
201
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:21,238
Do you need help?
202
00:08:21,305 --> 00:08:23,334
You don't want help?
203
00:08:27,002 --> 00:08:28,871
Should've used a veto for this one.
204
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,410
Tons of vetoes over there.
205
00:08:30,445 --> 00:08:31,979
As I set out on this journey,
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I hoped to foster a greater
understanding of disabilities
207
00:08:35,286 --> 00:08:36,933
by thoughtfully and sensitively
208
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exploring the experience
of being Helen Keller.
209
00:08:40,484 --> 00:08:42,320
For centuries, this brave woman
210
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had been the butt of tasteless jokes.
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That would end today.
212
00:08:46,419 --> 00:08:48,358
Ow!
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00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:52,389
By necessity, my office staff would
need to play a key role in helping me
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00:08:52,463 --> 00:08:53,996
- to live as Helen Keller.
- Doin' good.
215
00:08:54,031 --> 00:08:55,592
Oh, my gosh. They finally
refilled the jelly beans.
216
00:08:55,645 --> 00:08:58,808
- Stop it!
- Yellow.
217
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:00,034
- Give me yellow.
- I like the oranges.
218
00:09:00,069 --> 00:09:01,705
Mr. MacNeil. Mr. MacNeil.
219
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:04,996
Some of their efforts were
very much appreciated indeed,
220
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,276
such as this soundproof, lightproof helmet
221
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:10,749
contraption which allowed me
to take my hands off of my ears,
222
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,551
just as Helen Keller would've done.
223
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,392
- Aah!
- Aah!
224
00:09:14,446 --> 00:09:18,354
But they made other contributions
that were less helpful.
225
00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:21,567
This Victorian-era dress
and brown wig, for instance,
226
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,579
may have made me look like Helen.
227
00:09:23,614 --> 00:09:25,505
But they did not make it any easier for me
228
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:27,515
- to get along in the world.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
229
00:09:27,604 --> 00:09:30,051
And Josh and Tina's
less-than-perfect efforts
230
00:09:30,086 --> 00:09:33,328
to help me navigate my
surroundings made me a nuisance.
231
00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:34,945
- No, don't. Don't!
- What's wrong with you?
232
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:36,982
- Stop. Stop. Stop.
- No.
233
00:09:37,051 --> 00:09:39,752
As a disabled person, I
needed the people around me
234
00:09:39,826 --> 00:09:42,126
to treat me with kindness and compassion.
235
00:09:42,161 --> 00:09:46,300
And I'm about to quit in three,
236
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:47,549
two...
237
00:09:47,584 --> 00:09:49,470
I had faith in my office staff to do that.
238
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:50,060
Okay.
239
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,155
- Upon reviewing the footage...
- Shut the door!
240
00:09:52,190 --> 00:09:54,392
Helen, stay in your office!
241
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,236
...I see how wrong I was.
242
00:09:57,271 --> 00:10:00,039
Even though I could not
see or hear anything,
243
00:10:00,074 --> 00:10:03,582
I could sense the world
losing patience with me.
244
00:10:03,695 --> 00:10:06,063
But still, I needed to communicate.
245
00:10:06,098 --> 00:10:08,892
So, did you guys want to order?
246
00:10:08,927 --> 00:10:10,678
Or do you need some more time?
247
00:10:10,751 --> 00:10:13,538
I tried everything I imagine
Helen must have tried...
248
00:10:13,573 --> 00:10:15,199
clapping, charades-style clues...
249
00:10:15,234 --> 00:10:16,938
- He has to pee.
- ...guttural moaning.
250
00:10:17,001 --> 00:10:18,439
Surely, one of these tools,
251
00:10:18,511 --> 00:10:20,676
commonly used by the
disabled, would do the trick.
252
00:10:20,711 --> 00:10:22,640
Sounds like...
253
00:10:22,697 --> 00:10:26,021
But on a day when I wanted
to be taken to see my ex-wife,
254
00:10:26,118 --> 00:10:28,364
I was instead robbed of my shoes.
255
00:10:28,399 --> 00:10:31,062
On a day when I wanted a light snack,
256
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,025
I was instead given a pen.
257
00:10:35,563 --> 00:10:38,429
On a day when I wanted to
play catch with my son, Eric,
258
00:10:38,477 --> 00:10:42,482
like I used to, I was instead
brought to a drugs party.
259
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:48,358
And finally, on a day when I wanted
to be taken for a stroll outside,
260
00:10:48,393 --> 00:10:50,501
I was troublingly brought to court,
261
00:10:50,536 --> 00:10:52,937
where I was facing trial for murder.
262
00:10:52,994 --> 00:10:56,396
My caretakers had failed me spectacularly.
263
00:10:56,639 --> 00:11:01,897
This was the worst possible
time to be deaf, dumb, and blind.
264
00:11:01,946 --> 00:11:03,546
Okay, right.
265
00:11:03,605 --> 00:11:06,259
And what is your relationship
with your ex-husband?
266
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,800
I was unable to discuss
anything with my lawyer...
267
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,024
He's my ex-husband.
268
00:11:10,059 --> 00:11:14,486
...who made the questionable decision to
call my ex-wife as a character witness.
269
00:11:14,572 --> 00:11:16,211
During the time of your marriage,
270
00:11:16,255 --> 00:11:18,356
did he bring you flowers
271
00:11:18,391 --> 00:11:21,164
or pay you compliments?
272
00:11:21,221 --> 00:11:23,455
Um, yes, he did.
273
00:11:23,521 --> 00:11:25,326
He did stuff like that?
274
00:11:27,441 --> 00:11:28,385
Yes.
275
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:30,697
Oh, well he sounds like a really nice guy,
276
00:11:30,755 --> 00:11:31,937
doesn't he?
277
00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:34,000
No further questions, Your Honor!
278
00:11:34,066 --> 00:11:36,924
While everyone tried to ignore
the presence of a grunting visitor
279
00:11:36,982 --> 00:11:38,384
from the 19th century,
280
00:11:38,453 --> 00:11:41,871
Suzanne was asked if she thought
I would commit murder for the show.
281
00:11:43,808 --> 00:11:45,942
No, I don't.
282
00:11:46,136 --> 00:11:48,768
He is overly committed to his work,
283
00:11:48,803 --> 00:11:53,142
but he's not so committed that
he would actually kill somebody.
284
00:11:53,189 --> 00:11:55,468
Oh, my God.
285
00:11:55,565 --> 00:11:57,298
And then, unbeknownst to me,
286
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,846
my lawyer made an even
more perplexing decision.
287
00:11:59,932 --> 00:12:02,900
The defense would like
to call Forrest MacNeil.
288
00:12:03,052 --> 00:12:04,055
This way, ma'am.
289
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:04,856
There we go.
290
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:07,573
We had always planned for
Forrest MacNeil to testify.
291
00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:09,989
- Down. Down!
- Down!
292
00:12:10,024 --> 00:12:12,350
My attorney saw no reason to change course,
293
00:12:12,385 --> 00:12:15,797
despite the fact that Forrest
MacNeil was now Helen Keller.
294
00:12:15,855 --> 00:12:18,694
Thank you for coming to
testify today, Mr. MacNeil.
295
00:12:18,729 --> 00:12:20,581
- I'm gonna cut right to the chase.
- There is much Forrest MacNeil
296
00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:22,357
could have said in his own defense.
297
00:12:22,392 --> 00:12:26,716
Is it true that that guy,
Ray, attacked you first?
298
00:12:26,764 --> 00:12:28,639
- Indeed it was true.
- Mr. MacNeil? Forrest?
299
00:12:28,728 --> 00:12:30,536
Ray, the man who was killed,
300
00:12:30,592 --> 00:12:32,259
was a violent sociopath.
301
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,468
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, god. Can I get out of here?
302
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,072
- Oh, God!
- A man who would surely have been
303
00:12:36,137 --> 00:12:38,216
killed somebody someday.
304
00:12:38,251 --> 00:12:42,024
You did this in self-defense.
Is that true, Forrest?
305
00:12:42,059 --> 00:12:43,863
Say, "Yes." Just say, "Yes."
306
00:12:43,913 --> 00:12:45,941
The answer was yes.
307
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:50,219
I had no doubt Ray was beating me to death.
308
00:12:50,254 --> 00:12:53,265
You did this in
self-defense. Is that true?
309
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:54,417
All you have to do is say, "Yes."
310
00:12:54,463 --> 00:12:56,229
Say, "Yes."
311
00:12:56,274 --> 00:12:58,964
But Helen could not answer,
even if she had known
312
00:12:59,013 --> 00:13:01,615
she was testifying to save my life.
313
00:13:01,682 --> 00:13:02,817
Okay, Forrest. Come here.
314
00:13:02,873 --> 00:13:06,149
If only my attorney had tried
harder to remove my helmet,
315
00:13:06,199 --> 00:13:08,489
or had not called me to stand at all.
316
00:13:08,524 --> 00:13:09,681
Oh! Oh, my God.
317
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,747
Ma'am, sit in your seat,
318
00:13:11,782 --> 00:13:13,470
or I will handcuff you to this chair.
319
00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:17,072
Yeah. I think we got
to go back to the seats.
320
00:13:17,137 --> 00:13:19,765
Being in constant need of
assistance made it clear
321
00:13:19,846 --> 00:13:22,158
- that in life...
- Be careful.
322
00:13:22,232 --> 00:13:25,131
All right. That is good enough for me.
323
00:13:25,186 --> 00:13:26,613
...we are surrounded by people
324
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,672
who do not fully apply
themselves to their duties.
325
00:13:29,707 --> 00:13:32,694
As a result, I was not
able to exonerate myself.
326
00:13:32,753 --> 00:13:34,253
And "Review," once again,
327
00:13:34,288 --> 00:13:37,190
left my fate in the hands of fate.
328
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,929
Living as Helen Keller
was an isolating experience
329
00:13:40,002 --> 00:13:42,138
that required trust, perseverance,
330
00:13:42,173 --> 00:13:44,630
and a high tolerance for minor abrasions.
331
00:13:44,687 --> 00:13:49,629
She was a remarkable woman and,
for a little while, so was I.
332
00:13:49,691 --> 00:13:53,530
I give being Helen Keller five stars.
333
00:13:55,631 --> 00:13:59,005
Pretty bad luck that that had to
happen during your murder trial, huh?
334
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,484
Oh, that? No. I was acquitted. Not guilty!
335
00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:03,039
- What?!
- Yes!
336
00:14:03,094 --> 00:14:04,070
- Really?
- Yeah.
337
00:14:04,131 --> 00:14:05,038
Well, why?
338
00:14:05,073 --> 00:14:07,843
Well, I think many of the jurors
have probably seen this show
339
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:09,701
and understand the value of my work.
340
00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:11,571
The district attorney
had another explanation.
341
00:14:11,606 --> 00:14:13,639
He said, "It's almost to convict someone
342
00:14:13,674 --> 00:14:16,808
who looks like me for
using a gun in America."
343
00:14:16,843 --> 00:14:19,010
I don't know what he means.
But anyway, once again,
344
00:14:19,045 --> 00:14:21,545
the mighty hand of the
universe has intervened
345
00:14:21,585 --> 00:14:25,489
so that I may continue to do
this vitally important work.
346
00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:31,083
All right, A.J. Please tell me
347
00:14:31,118 --> 00:14:32,818
we've got time for another review!
348
00:14:32,853 --> 00:14:34,343
We have time for another review.
349
00:14:34,417 --> 00:14:35,913
- Ha-ha! Do we really?
- We do!
350
00:14:35,948 --> 00:14:37,747
Oh, good.
351
00:14:37,838 --> 00:14:39,026
This one's a tweet
352
00:14:39,097 --> 00:14:42,214
from Amos Stellenbosch, location unknown.
353
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:46,147
- Wow!
- Amos tweets, "What is forgiveness?"
354
00:14:46,194 --> 00:14:48,934
Oh, that's a good, heavy one.
355
00:14:48,991 --> 00:14:52,633
Oh. Well, too bad this isn't the
assignment you got and then refused to do.
356
00:14:52,707 --> 00:14:55,172
I'm off to experience forgiveness.
357
00:14:55,214 --> 00:14:56,459
I would've done this one.
358
00:14:56,527 --> 00:14:58,761
Who knows? I will, that's for sure.
359
00:14:59,545 --> 00:15:00,806
My ex-wife, Suzanne,
360
00:15:00,884 --> 00:15:04,275
and I had had some regrettable
difficulties in recent times,
361
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:07,347
many of them related to my
work for this television show.
362
00:15:07,421 --> 00:15:13,043
This was surely the place to have a
meaningful exploration of forgiveness.
363
00:15:13,105 --> 00:15:15,082
- What do you want, Forrest?
- Hello.
364
00:15:15,121 --> 00:15:16,657
You know what? I have a review for you.
365
00:15:16,719 --> 00:15:18,630
What's it like to leave
me the [bleep] alone?
366
00:15:18,665 --> 00:15:20,183
If you are curious
367
00:15:20,227 --> 00:15:23,154
about that life experience, then
I suggest you submit your request
368
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:24,429
- to through the proper channels.
- Oh, my God. Good-bye, Forrest.
369
00:15:24,495 --> 00:15:25,965
And if your random s... Wait! Hey, Suzanne!
370
00:15:26,049 --> 00:15:28,042
I'm reviewing forgiveness!
371
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:32,507
Okay.
372
00:15:34,246 --> 00:15:36,737
Did you just say you were
reviewing forgiveness?
373
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,070
Yes. Yeah.
374
00:15:38,128 --> 00:15:39,393
What's the catch?
375
00:15:39,428 --> 00:15:40,700
There's no catch.
376
00:15:40,735 --> 00:15:42,344
- I don't believe you.
- No, really, honestly.
377
00:15:42,379 --> 00:15:45,140
That's... I'm here to review forgiveness.
378
00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:49,965
I can't believe I'm engaging in this,
379
00:15:50,062 --> 00:15:53,387
but I've actually been
talking with my therapist
380
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:56,347
for some months now about forgiveness.
381
00:15:56,537 --> 00:15:58,087
I'd really like to try.
382
00:15:58,150 --> 00:16:01,221
I hate that this is just
part of a [bleep] review.
383
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,207
All right then.
384
00:16:07,438 --> 00:16:08,561
Suzanne...
385
00:16:10,517 --> 00:16:11,784
I forgive you.
386
00:16:12,913 --> 00:16:14,765
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
387
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,867
- What did you just say?
- Ah.
388
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:18,716
I forgive you for everything that you said.
389
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:19,745
- For what?
- Well, for everything...
390
00:16:19,789 --> 00:16:22,039
- For what?
- For... For what?
391
00:16:22,137 --> 00:16:23,746
Yeah.
392
00:16:23,845 --> 00:16:25,172
I had no idea
393
00:16:25,230 --> 00:16:28,961
what you said about me during my murder
trial until I took off my Hel-Kel-met.
394
00:16:28,996 --> 00:16:30,644
- Don't. Nope.
- My Helen Keller helmet.
395
00:16:30,725 --> 00:16:32,305
- But when I finally heard...
- Mm-hmm.
396
00:16:32,379 --> 00:16:36,127
that you felt like there are all kinds
of things that I won't do for my work,
397
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,769
and you said that like that.
398
00:16:37,804 --> 00:16:39,739
"Oh. He's committed, but
he's not that committed."
399
00:16:39,797 --> 00:16:41,058
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
400
00:16:41,105 --> 00:16:42,626
All right. I mean, that...
401
00:16:44,001 --> 00:16:46,884
hurt me so much.
402
00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:48,309
But I'm gonna be the bigger person.
403
00:16:48,344 --> 00:16:50,845
- Oh.
- And I'm just gonna say,
404
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:55,016
in the face of some
very, very hurtful words,
405
00:16:55,339 --> 00:16:56,285
"I forgive you."
406
00:16:56,374 --> 00:16:57,142
- Okay.
- Yes?
407
00:16:57,202 --> 00:16:58,636
No, I talk now.
408
00:16:58,941 --> 00:17:01,430
You divorced me for your television show.
409
00:17:01,496 --> 00:17:02,729
I want a divorce.
410
00:17:02,764 --> 00:17:04,435
You are going to die alone.
411
00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:06,418
You were very largely responsible
412
00:17:06,496 --> 00:17:08,983
for killing my father in outer space.
413
00:17:09,066 --> 00:17:10,431
No! Jack!
414
00:17:10,466 --> 00:17:13,001
- In inner space.
- No! It was outer space.
415
00:17:13,036 --> 00:17:16,453
- No.
- You slept with me under false pretenses
416
00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:20,331
with a drug-resistant form of gonorrhea!
417
00:17:20,391 --> 00:17:24,790
You allowed Eric and me to believe
you had terminal brain cancer.
418
00:17:24,825 --> 00:17:26,795
And then, when I was ready to move on,
419
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:30,343
you catfished me and got me hooked
up with an asshole baseball player
420
00:17:30,378 --> 00:17:32,491
and then humiliated me
at my rehearsal dinner.
421
00:17:32,526 --> 00:17:33,959
I was catfishing you, Suzanne.
422
00:17:34,017 --> 00:17:36,052
What? Who are you? What is going on?!
423
00:17:36,087 --> 00:17:38,154
You have vanished for months at a time...
424
00:17:38,221 --> 00:17:38,922
Ah!
425
00:17:38,988 --> 00:17:40,469
...without telling us where you were.
426
00:17:40,504 --> 00:17:43,086
We could only assume that you were dead.
427
00:17:43,136 --> 00:17:46,986
You showed me a photo of
your engorged, deformed penis.
428
00:17:47,046 --> 00:17:48,005
- Okay?
- Oh, [bleep]!
429
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,679
I don't think that belongs on this list.
430
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:51,839
Oh. And I just remembered one.
431
00:17:51,874 --> 00:17:53,507
You got charged with murder!
432
00:17:53,542 --> 00:17:57,878
Hey! I get to take a ride in a police car!
433
00:17:58,069 --> 00:18:01,218
Did it ever occur to you,
just once, that possibly,
434
00:18:01,253 --> 00:18:04,823
you should be asking me for my forgiveness?
435
00:18:04,858 --> 00:18:06,122
Um...
436
00:18:06,849 --> 00:18:09,485
well, I didn't interpret
the assignment that way.
437
00:18:09,559 --> 00:18:13,616
You didn't interpret
the assignment that way?
438
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:15,496
- No.
- What I would like to apologize for
439
00:18:15,531 --> 00:18:17,297
is opening the door at all to you.
440
00:18:17,332 --> 00:18:19,083
- No.
- And engaging in this insanity.
441
00:18:19,149 --> 00:18:20,648
No, I'm very glad.
Listen, listen because...
442
00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:22,650
No, no! Look! Okay?
443
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:23,880
You are not a person.
444
00:18:23,957 --> 00:18:26,420
You are a malfunctioning robot.
445
00:18:26,455 --> 00:18:29,424
And it's sad, Forrest, because
you used to be a person.
446
00:18:29,459 --> 00:18:31,840
You used to do things because
you wanted to do them,
447
00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:35,169
not because, "Oh! A stranger
said I should take my dick out
448
00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:37,412
and walk all over my
ex-wife's front lawn."
449
00:18:37,447 --> 00:18:39,410
Okay. That was not the review request.
450
00:18:39,468 --> 00:18:41,002
I... I was living my dream.
451
00:18:41,043 --> 00:18:43,600
- This is the hand of the universe.
- Oh, my God. Do you hear you?
452
00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:45,257
You sound like a lunatic.
453
00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:46,204
I don't think I sound like a lunatic.
454
00:18:46,239 --> 00:18:48,583
- You do, I promise you.
- There's no other explanation
455
00:18:48,618 --> 00:18:49,945
- for what's going on...
- Oh, my God. Forrest!
456
00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:51,582
...other than the universe is guiding us!
457
00:18:51,617 --> 00:18:53,059
- Wake up! You're crazy!
- Listen, listen, listen.
458
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,682
I'll do it the way you want
it, because you're right.
459
00:18:54,763 --> 00:18:57,245
I could've interpreted the
question a different way,
460
00:18:57,305 --> 00:18:58,639
absolutely.
461
00:18:58,696 --> 00:19:00,229
Forgive me.
462
00:19:00,288 --> 00:19:01,957
- What?
- Do it. All the things...
463
00:19:02,039 --> 00:19:03,948
"Do it"? No, I will not. I cannot.
464
00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:05,605
I'm saying, let's do it
the way you want to do it!
465
00:19:05,673 --> 00:19:09,002
I won't do it! This review gets zero stars!
466
00:19:09,037 --> 00:19:10,444
Well, you can't give zero
stars to something, actually.
467
00:19:10,479 --> 00:19:12,807
Yeah, well, I give zero [bleep].
468
00:19:14,073 --> 00:19:15,080
Oh...
469
00:19:15,115 --> 00:19:17,900
Before literally slamming
the door in my face,
470
00:19:17,981 --> 00:19:20,414
Suzanne had raised an interesting thought.
471
00:19:20,449 --> 00:19:23,062
Perhaps I would not fully
understand forgiveness
472
00:19:23,097 --> 00:19:26,599
without both forgiving and being forgiven.
473
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,166
Luckily, I had another idea.
474
00:19:30,388 --> 00:19:32,326
My search for forgiveness now led me
475
00:19:32,361 --> 00:19:35,010
to the bedside of my best
friend and producer, Grant...
476
00:19:35,045 --> 00:19:36,716
Hey, Grant. Can I have a word with you?
477
00:19:36,782 --> 00:19:39,172
...and some very difficult
unfinished business.
478
00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:40,898
Can it wait until morning?
479
00:19:40,987 --> 00:19:42,295
No. I don't think so.
480
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:43,323
Okay.
481
00:19:43,422 --> 00:19:45,534
I think it's waited too long already.
482
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,620
Do you remember when
we fell off that bridge,
483
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,131
and you were paralyzed from the waist down?
484
00:19:52,204 --> 00:19:54,038
Yes.
485
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,852
And it was all my fault?
486
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,297
Yes.
487
00:19:58,481 --> 00:19:59,621
Grant...
488
00:20:01,429 --> 00:20:03,561
I'm asking for your forgiveness.
489
00:20:05,815 --> 00:20:08,551
I forgave you before we even hit the water.
490
00:20:12,643 --> 00:20:14,912
Ah.
491
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,646
That is a huge relief.
492
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,169
That feels great.
493
00:20:20,932 --> 00:20:22,458
I came to realize that you
494
00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:24,250
forgive a person who wronged you,
495
00:20:24,321 --> 00:20:27,103
not to free them from
the prison of your anger
496
00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:29,122
but to free yourself.
497
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:32,374
And you seek forgiveness
also to free yourself
498
00:20:32,449 --> 00:20:34,783
and also the person who's forgiving you.
499
00:20:34,872 --> 00:20:37,807
They are also free. But
in any case, I am free.
500
00:20:37,842 --> 00:20:40,679
And that is worth four stars.
501
00:20:42,788 --> 00:20:44,297
Well, A.J., please tell me
502
00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:45,944
we have time for one more review.
503
00:20:45,986 --> 00:20:47,692
We have time for one more review.
504
00:20:47,773 --> 00:20:49,806
- Thank you.
- No, we don't really.
505
00:20:49,936 --> 00:20:50,920
- Oh, we don't?
- No.
506
00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:52,408
Oh. All right.
507
00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:53,899
- Good night.
- Good night.
508
00:20:53,934 --> 00:20:57,263
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
509
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,731
Extra cheese!
510
00:20:59,452 --> 00:21:01,543
The real Helen Keller actually was, like,
511
00:21:01,616 --> 00:21:05,017
burned really badly when
she tried to answer the iron.
512
00:21:05,925 --> 00:21:07,777
Why would she answer? She can't hear it.
513
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:09,377
- Mm-hmm.
- She can't talk into it.
514
00:21:09,474 --> 00:21:10,652
And who's calling her?
515
00:21:10,796 --> 00:21:13,021
And wouldn't she know long
before it reached her face
516
00:21:13,110 --> 00:21:14,604
that this is no phone?
39643
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