Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,016 --> 00:00:02,951
Life. It's literally all we have.
2
00:00:02,976 --> 00:00:03,985
But is it any good? I'm a reviewer.
3
00:00:03,987 --> 00:00:08,006
But I don't review
food, books or movies.
4
00:00:08,031 --> 00:00:10,468
I review life itself.
5
00:00:11,401 --> 00:00:13,434
Aah!
6
00:00:14,064 --> 00:00:16,097
Aah!
7
00:00:25,341 --> 00:00:26,774
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
8
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:29,380
to the third season of "Review."
9
00:00:29,405 --> 00:00:31,351
I am Forrest MacNeil.
10
00:00:31,461 --> 00:00:34,476
Whatever life experience you're
curious about, I will do it.
11
00:00:34,731 --> 00:00:36,798
And then I will review it.
12
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,801
I am thrilled to be back
and delighted to be reunited
13
00:00:39,803 --> 00:00:41,736
with my co-host, A.J. Gibbs!
14
00:00:41,738 --> 00:00:43,238
- Forrest...
- Yes!
15
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:44,572
... you're alive!
16
00:00:44,574 --> 00:00:46,341
I know!
17
00:00:46,343 --> 00:00:47,742
And it is incredible.
18
00:00:47,744 --> 00:00:50,945
Returning viewers will recall
that our last season ended
19
00:00:50,947 --> 00:00:53,081
rather abruptly when my producer, Grant,
20
00:00:53,083 --> 00:00:56,751
and I very unfortunately
fell off of a high bridge.
21
00:00:56,753 --> 00:00:58,920
If I'm gonna die, you're gonna die, too!
22
00:01:01,591 --> 00:01:03,091
[Bleep]
23
00:01:03,093 --> 00:01:05,126
Grant and I both survived.
24
00:01:05,128 --> 00:01:09,864
And that is, without a doubt, a miracle.
25
00:01:09,866 --> 00:01:12,834
There's just no other
way to understand it.
26
00:01:12,836 --> 00:01:14,435
I believe I am alive today
27
00:01:14,437 --> 00:01:16,304
so that I can continue to do
28
00:01:16,306 --> 00:01:19,841
this extraordinarily important work.
29
00:01:19,843 --> 00:01:22,777
And so with that, A.J.,
what is my first...
30
00:01:22,779 --> 00:01:26,151
Oh, wait, you forgot to tell
them about the veto booth.
31
00:01:26,176 --> 00:01:28,550
Yes, I did. That's true.
32
00:01:28,552 --> 00:01:31,452
Last season, I was able
to veto two reviews.
33
00:01:31,454 --> 00:01:33,555
And this season, our
lawyers have insisted
34
00:01:33,557 --> 00:01:35,890
that I have unlimited vetoes.
35
00:01:38,628 --> 00:01:40,962
Signified by that eternal flame
36
00:01:40,964 --> 00:01:42,997
and all those stacks of vetoes.
37
00:01:42,999 --> 00:01:45,300
But I swear to you
now that I will not use
38
00:01:45,302 --> 00:01:47,335
any vetoes ever again.
39
00:01:47,337 --> 00:01:50,805
You want guidance on the
vital questions of our time.
40
00:01:50,807 --> 00:01:52,807
If the universe, through
our random system,
41
00:01:52,809 --> 00:01:54,142
chooses your request,
42
00:01:54,144 --> 00:01:56,044
who am I to stand in its way?
43
00:01:56,046 --> 00:01:58,980
There will be no vetoes.
44
00:01:58,982 --> 00:02:00,415
Now, A.J., let's get to it!
45
00:02:00,417 --> 00:02:03,251
What is my first review of season three?
46
00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:04,752
Okay.
47
00:02:04,754 --> 00:02:07,622
It comes from Pete in
Westchester, California.
48
00:02:07,624 --> 00:02:08,990
- Pete?
- Yeah.
49
00:02:08,992 --> 00:02:11,259
Hello. I'm Pete from
the viral marketing team
50
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:12,994
here at Neato Taquitos.
51
00:02:12,996 --> 00:02:15,496
Forrest, our question to you is,
52
00:02:15,498 --> 00:02:19,234
what's it like to try
our brand new Locorito?
53
00:02:19,236 --> 00:02:23,338
- Neato Taquitos...
- We made it, you eat it.
54
00:02:27,577 --> 00:02:29,911
The vital questions of our time.
55
00:02:29,913 --> 00:02:32,013
Hmm. I believe this may
56
00:02:32,015 --> 00:02:34,349
turn out to be one of those.
57
00:02:34,351 --> 00:02:36,150
And, therefore,
58
00:02:36,152 --> 00:02:38,720
a perfect example of the work
59
00:02:38,722 --> 00:02:41,789
that my life was spared to do.
60
00:02:41,791 --> 00:02:43,925
- Here I go.
- Yum.
61
00:02:45,795 --> 00:02:48,763
Buying and eating a
fast-food burrito sounded
62
00:02:48,765 --> 00:02:50,031
like a very short review.
63
00:02:50,033 --> 00:02:52,533
But when I arrived at Neato Taquitos,
64
00:02:52,535 --> 00:02:53,972
it did not look that way.
65
00:02:53,997 --> 00:02:55,270
Oh, no.
66
00:02:55,272 --> 00:02:57,372
Apparently, Pete had
recorded his question
67
00:02:57,374 --> 00:02:59,374
during the months that
my producer, Grant,
68
00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:01,209
and I were lost in the wilderness.
69
00:03:01,211 --> 00:03:04,212
Since then, it appeared that
the entire Neato Taquitos
70
00:03:04,214 --> 00:03:08,049
fast-food chain had
gone out of business.
71
00:03:08,051 --> 00:03:09,550
My interns, Josh and Tina,
72
00:03:09,552 --> 00:03:14,322
suggested placing an ad
on wwww.craigslist.com
73
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:15,723
to find a Locorito,
74
00:03:15,725 --> 00:03:17,225
which I now understood had
75
00:03:17,227 --> 00:03:19,494
been out of production for 6 months.
76
00:03:19,496 --> 00:03:20,662
Read it back to me, please.
77
00:03:20,664 --> 00:03:23,231
"Wanted one Locorito
from Neato Taquitos."
78
00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:24,565
Will pay $5.
79
00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,768
"Open to paying less.
Serious inquiries only."
80
00:03:26,770 --> 00:03:28,636
Do you think that's gonna work?
81
00:03:28,638 --> 00:03:31,406
Honestly, you never know.
People sell weird [bleep].
82
00:03:31,408 --> 00:03:33,808
Vulgarities aside, Tina was right.
83
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:36,110
I was astonished to eventually receive
84
00:03:36,112 --> 00:03:37,551
a response to my request...
85
00:03:37,576 --> 00:03:38,946
Who is it?
86
00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:40,548
Uh, Craig sent me.
87
00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:42,150
It's about the Locorito.
88
00:03:42,152 --> 00:03:43,918
... from a man who hung on
89
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,754
to a burrito from a
defunct chain restaurant
90
00:03:46,756 --> 00:03:49,657
because he also hangs
on to everything, always.
91
00:03:49,659 --> 00:03:52,360
I managed to save everything
except my marriage.
92
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:53,995
Oh, yeah. Divorce can be difficult.
93
00:03:53,997 --> 00:03:55,430
But sometimes it's for the best.
94
00:03:55,432 --> 00:03:58,099
Worst mistake I ever
made. Ruined my life.
95
00:03:58,101 --> 00:03:59,400
Okay.
96
00:03:59,402 --> 00:04:02,370
This simple request had
become a test of my patience.
97
00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:03,752
Can I move some of this stuff?
98
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:06,140
No! Oh, there it is.
99
00:04:06,142 --> 00:04:08,643
I'd hate to let her go.
100
00:04:11,014 --> 00:04:13,448
I left that house with
a profound appreciation
101
00:04:13,450 --> 00:04:15,450
for whatever mental illness allowed me
102
00:04:15,452 --> 00:04:16,684
to complete my mission.
103
00:04:16,686 --> 00:04:18,653
Hey! Can I interest you
104
00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:20,988
in a discontinued Starbucks muffin?
105
00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:23,358
No, just the Locorito. Thank you.
106
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,559
Your loss.
107
00:04:25,895 --> 00:04:27,595
Oh.
108
00:04:27,597 --> 00:04:29,664
Ever since my return to civilization,
109
00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:32,533
I have been living in the
home of my producer, Grant...
110
00:04:32,535 --> 00:04:33,634
After you.
111
00:04:33,636 --> 00:04:35,403
... who, I am very sorry to say
112
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,505
took the brunt of our
impact on the water
113
00:04:37,507 --> 00:04:39,574
and is now paralyzed
from the waist down.
114
00:04:39,576 --> 00:04:40,775
Ah.
115
00:04:40,777 --> 00:04:42,577
This was an ideal arrangement.
116
00:04:42,579 --> 00:04:44,445
- You found your food.
- Yes, I did.
117
00:04:44,447 --> 00:04:47,181
Living with a colleague meant
no distractions from "Review."
118
00:04:47,183 --> 00:04:49,517
- Oxycodone and blood thinner.
- Thank you.
119
00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:52,320
This work is all that I need in my life.
120
00:04:52,322 --> 00:04:53,821
You know, it might help you
121
00:04:53,823 --> 00:04:55,823
to focus better on that experience
122
00:04:55,825 --> 00:04:58,359
if you ate it away from my own meal.
123
00:05:00,363 --> 00:05:02,072
Yes.
124
00:05:02,850 --> 00:05:04,236
I don't know that I've ever eaten food
125
00:05:04,261 --> 00:05:07,896
this far past the date
that it was prepared.
126
00:05:08,114 --> 00:05:09,857
Here goes.
127
00:05:11,241 --> 00:05:12,840
Okay.
128
00:05:12,842 --> 00:05:14,942
This was not the first time fate had
129
00:05:14,944 --> 00:05:17,011
caused me to eat something unsound.
130
00:05:17,013 --> 00:05:20,681
But it was, by far, the most
revolting meal of my life.
131
00:05:20,683 --> 00:05:22,183
That'd be some kind of a mold.
132
00:05:22,185 --> 00:05:25,353
By the time I had successfully
choked down the burrito,
133
00:05:25,355 --> 00:05:27,021
I longed for the raw birds
134
00:05:27,023 --> 00:05:29,157
I'd consumed when I was lost at sea
135
00:05:29,159 --> 00:05:30,625
and the animal droppings Grant
136
00:05:30,627 --> 00:05:32,894
and I lived on after
we accidentally fell
137
00:05:32,896 --> 00:05:34,962
from the bridge and were
living in the wilderness,
138
00:05:34,964 --> 00:05:36,497
fighting for our lives.
139
00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:39,133
This burrito was a
terrible thing to eat.
140
00:05:39,135 --> 00:05:42,470
And my body knew instantly
that something was very wrong.
141
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:46,207
Ohh. A war raged within my stomach.
142
00:05:46,209 --> 00:05:49,043
Oh, God. Ah!
143
00:05:49,045 --> 00:05:51,913
Ohh.
144
00:05:52,549 --> 00:05:54,415
Oh, [bleep]. Ohh.
145
00:05:54,417 --> 00:05:55,883
It was a night spent
146
00:05:55,885 --> 00:05:58,085
in terrible burrito-induced agony.
147
00:05:58,087 --> 00:05:59,387
Oh.
148
00:05:59,389 --> 00:06:00,922
Shouldn't have eaten that burrito.
149
00:06:00,924 --> 00:06:03,035
It was the only one I could find.
150
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:05,159
Even so.
151
00:06:05,161 --> 00:06:07,228
[Stomach rumbles] What
the [bleep] is that?
152
00:06:07,230 --> 00:06:11,466
Oh.
153
00:06:11,468 --> 00:06:12,900
[Bleep]
154
00:06:12,902 --> 00:06:15,803
Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].
155
00:06:15,805 --> 00:06:17,839
Oh, [bleep].
156
00:06:22,078 --> 00:06:23,911
Yes, hello?
157
00:06:23,913 --> 00:06:25,279
No, no, no.
158
00:06:25,281 --> 00:06:27,548
No.
159
00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:29,083
I had forgotten that this was
160
00:06:29,085 --> 00:06:30,952
a crucial day in my murder trial,
161
00:06:30,954 --> 00:06:33,020
which resulted from last season's review
162
00:06:33,022 --> 00:06:34,288
of killing a person...
163
00:06:34,290 --> 00:06:36,023
Oh!
164
00:06:36,025 --> 00:06:39,260
In which a person was killed.
165
00:06:39,262 --> 00:06:40,995
Why didn't you give me
more warning about this?
166
00:06:40,997 --> 00:06:42,930
I'm so sorry. I just started golfing.
167
00:06:42,932 --> 00:06:45,566
And it's taken over my life.
168
00:06:45,568 --> 00:06:47,134
Listen, I don't feel very well.
169
00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:48,603
You've got to get it together, Forrest.
170
00:06:48,605 --> 00:06:50,271
This is jury selection.
171
00:06:50,273 --> 00:06:52,106
12 of these people are going to decide
172
00:06:52,108 --> 00:06:54,041
if you're a murderer
or a self-defenser.
173
00:06:54,043 --> 00:06:55,776
So you've got to make a good impression.
174
00:06:55,778 --> 00:06:57,445
Oh, yeah. I'll do my best.
175
00:06:57,447 --> 00:06:59,814
All rise.
176
00:06:59,816 --> 00:07:01,782
Getting a Locorito into my body
177
00:07:01,784 --> 00:07:04,151
had been a surprisingly difficult task.
178
00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:06,921
But getting it out was far
too easy for anyone's comfort.
179
00:07:06,923 --> 00:07:09,824
Oh, my God. Ohh. He number two'd!
180
00:07:09,826 --> 00:07:12,793
- Ew! Ohh.
- I can explain.
181
00:07:12,795 --> 00:07:14,428
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You can't talk to them.
182
00:07:14,430 --> 00:07:15,963
Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday,
183
00:07:15,965 --> 00:07:18,676
I ate a 6-month-old burrito.
184
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:19,754
And...
185
00:07:19,779 --> 00:07:21,712
Oh! Oh!
186
00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:28,342
I move that that be
stricken from the record.
187
00:07:28,344 --> 00:07:31,679
Considering the many miseries
that the Locorito brought me,
188
00:07:31,681 --> 00:07:35,983
it's no wonder Neato Taquitos
is no longer in business.
189
00:07:35,985 --> 00:07:37,585
An inauspicious beginning
190
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:40,154
to a rather serious legal
proceeding, I'm afraid.
191
00:07:40,156 --> 00:07:43,090
But also an illuminating
start to our new season.
192
00:07:43,092 --> 00:07:46,060
That rancid fast-food
burrito brought me to a simple
193
00:07:46,062 --> 00:07:48,195
but important life lesson.
194
00:07:48,197 --> 00:07:51,599
It is better to let go of
the past than to eat it.
195
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:56,771
I give eating the new Locorito
from Neato Taquitos one star.
196
00:08:04,226 --> 00:08:05,959
What's next, A.J.?
197
00:08:05,961 --> 00:08:09,896
It comes from 9-year-old
Anastasia in Ryegate, Montana.
198
00:08:09,898 --> 00:08:12,065
- Delightful.
- Anastasia writes,
199
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,200
- "I want to get a puppy"...
- Aw.
200
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,037
"... but my mom says we can't
because we already have a dog.
201
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,339
What's it like to put a pet to sleep?"
202
00:08:19,341 --> 00:08:21,474
Oh. Oh, boy.
203
00:08:21,476 --> 00:08:24,544
You know, Forrest, you could
just sing a lullaby to a cat.
204
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,279
Mmm. I could do that,
205
00:08:26,281 --> 00:08:28,381
but then I would also
have to kill it somehow,
206
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:30,550
because that's what Anastasia wants.
207
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:35,522
I'm off to put a pet
to sleep, meaning death.
208
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:40,593
The only pet I've ever
had was a golden retriever
209
00:08:40,595 --> 00:08:43,730
that I acquired for my family
in my review of stealing.
210
00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:46,266
- Okay.
- His name was Sergeant.
211
00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:48,735
And there was no way of
knowing how old he was.
212
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,971
If he had fallen ill,
I would not have known
213
00:08:50,973 --> 00:08:52,405
because my ex-wife, Suzanne,
214
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,174
did not allow me into the new home
215
00:08:54,176 --> 00:08:56,176
she and our son live
in. What do you want?
216
00:08:56,178 --> 00:08:58,278
But if I was going
to put a pet to sleep,
217
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,413
Sergeant was the logical place to start.
218
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,582
I'm just seeing how things are going.
219
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,285
I've b... I've been, uh,
thinking about the dog lately.
220
00:09:05,287 --> 00:09:08,421
- What's the review?
- What's the review?
221
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:12,759
What is it, like, "What's it
like to be a veterinarian"?
222
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,160
No.
223
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:16,429
I not even saying for
sure that this is a review.
224
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:18,331
Well, you're not getting
anywhere near the dog.
225
00:09:18,333 --> 00:09:19,073
Good-bye.
226
00:09:19,098 --> 00:09:22,102
It appeared I would not be
putting my old dog to sleep.
227
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:24,404
But Suzanne's reference
to veterinary medicine
228
00:09:24,406 --> 00:09:26,439
gave me a good idea.
229
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,244
Hi.
230
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,909
Is your cat dying?
231
00:09:36,651 --> 00:09:38,718
Well, if the doctor says that
there's nothing you can do
232
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,420
for the bee sting,
233
00:09:40,422 --> 00:09:43,723
I would be happy to
put him down for you.
234
00:09:43,725 --> 00:09:47,694
This approach was
also proving difficult.
235
00:09:47,696 --> 00:09:49,329
But just as I was ready to give up
236
00:09:49,331 --> 00:09:50,730
on the veterinary hospital
237
00:09:50,732 --> 00:09:53,566
and go out in search of
a critically injured bird,
238
00:09:53,568 --> 00:09:56,136
this story took an exotic turn.
239
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:58,004
Wow. What is that?
240
00:09:58,006 --> 00:10:00,640
- It's a bearded dragon.
- What's wrong with him?
241
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:03,209
It's old. He hasn't been eating.
242
00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:06,713
Might just be time to
put him out of his misery.
243
00:10:06,715 --> 00:10:09,516
Really?
244
00:10:09,518 --> 00:10:12,519
I have nothing to do
for the rest of the day.
245
00:10:12,521 --> 00:10:14,387
And I would be more than happy
246
00:10:14,389 --> 00:10:16,322
to help this little fellow
247
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,591
over to the other side for you.
248
00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:20,527
Why put yourself through that pain?
249
00:10:20,529 --> 00:10:22,162
To be honest, he belongs to my son.
250
00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:24,864
And he's too busy getting
high to give a shit about him.
251
00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:26,599
It's not going to be painful,
252
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:28,802
but I do have things I could do today.
253
00:10:28,804 --> 00:10:30,203
- Okay.
- Great.
254
00:10:30,205 --> 00:10:34,741
And just like that, this unloved
reptile was left in my care.
255
00:10:34,743 --> 00:10:36,509
However, it was, in no way
256
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,012
that really meant anything, my pet.
257
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:42,082
I realized, I would not have
a genuine experience of this
258
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:43,750
unless I spent at least a day
259
00:10:43,752 --> 00:10:47,087
or 2 bonding with my lizard.
260
00:10:47,089 --> 00:10:48,763
Hello, Beyonce.
261
00:10:48,788 --> 00:10:52,292
- Oh, cool, a bearded dragon!
- Mm-hmm.
262
00:10:52,294 --> 00:10:54,027
My brother had one of
these when I was a kid.
263
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,395
- Oh, yeah?
- What's up, dude?
264
00:10:55,397 --> 00:10:57,197
You're supposed to spritz
him with water once a day.
265
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,965
Do you have a spray bottle for that?
266
00:10:58,967 --> 00:11:00,467
I wouldn't worry about it.
267
00:11:00,469 --> 00:11:02,402
Well, it's fine. Like,
I'll get you set up.
268
00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:04,137
I'll get, like, crickets
and stuff, it'll be fun.
269
00:11:04,139 --> 00:11:05,305
No, really.
270
00:11:05,307 --> 00:11:07,006
Josh? Don't bother, okay?
271
00:11:07,008 --> 00:11:08,475
No, it's cool, man.
272
00:11:08,477 --> 00:11:10,076
It did not seem possible for me
273
00:11:10,078 --> 00:11:12,078
to form a connection with this creature,
274
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:16,783
whose name I later learned was
popularly pronounced Beyoncé.
275
00:11:16,785 --> 00:11:18,118
It barely moved.
276
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,587
The crickets that wandered
freely around the habitat
277
00:11:20,589 --> 00:11:22,555
seemed like more interesting pets.
278
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:26,493
Beyoncé was stoic, remote and ill.
279
00:11:26,495 --> 00:11:28,128
But by the end of the second day,
280
00:11:28,130 --> 00:11:30,230
I began to take comfort in his quiet,
281
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:32,265
undemanding presence.
282
00:11:34,936 --> 00:11:38,171
And on the third day,
something remarkable happened.
283
00:11:38,173 --> 00:11:39,906
Oh, hey, you guys!
284
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,374
You guys! Look! Look at this!
285
00:11:41,376 --> 00:11:43,910
- What's up, Mr. MacNeil?
- The crickets are ge.
286
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,345
Beyoncé ate the crickets.
287
00:11:45,347 --> 00:11:47,413
- That's so great, Mr. MacNeil.
- I know.
288
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,949
- That's wild.
- You're such a good dad!
289
00:11:49,951 --> 00:11:52,085
- Want me to get more crickets?
- Yes! Get more crickets!
290
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:54,554
- I mean, he's hungry, right?
- Yeah, okay, cool. Come on.
291
00:11:54,556 --> 00:11:55,822
Wow.
292
00:11:55,824 --> 00:11:58,825
It appeared that all Beyoncé
needed was a little TLC,
293
00:11:58,827 --> 00:12:01,794
or at least not to be
completely ignored by a druggie
294
00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:03,863
and his heartless mother. Sorry.
295
00:12:03,865 --> 00:12:06,266
I knew that Beyoncé was only in my care
296
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,201
for the purpose of being euthanized
297
00:12:08,203 --> 00:12:10,470
and that he wouldn't
be around much longer.
298
00:12:10,472 --> 00:12:12,972
But still, it was nice
to see him rebound.
299
00:12:14,876 --> 00:12:16,609
Oh, hey, Grant, did I
tell you that yesterday...
300
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,444
Can it wait?
301
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,680
I want to hear the flute.
302
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,617
Beyoncé and I even
seemed to be developing
303
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,819
some actual form of communication.
304
00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:30,056
Hello. Hi! Hello!
305
00:12:30,058 --> 00:12:32,725
The more time I spent with the
increasingly healthy lizard...
306
00:12:32,727 --> 00:12:34,394
Here we go. The more I realized
307
00:12:34,396 --> 00:12:36,296
that this was no ordinary animal.
308
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:38,565
Behind those eyes was
309
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:41,034
a whole world of thoughts and feelings.
310
00:12:41,036 --> 00:12:44,504
He was wise and soulful and kind.
311
00:12:44,506 --> 00:12:46,706
I have no use for a
friend of any species,
312
00:12:46,708 --> 00:12:49,642
but the fates had brought
Beyoncé and me together,
313
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:51,044
and the thought of killing him began
314
00:12:51,046 --> 00:12:52,512
to seem like a bit of a waste.
315
00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:53,846
And just put that right there.
316
00:12:53,848 --> 00:12:55,315
My producer, Grant,
317
00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:57,917
does an impressive and
always appreciated job
318
00:12:57,919 --> 00:12:59,552
of keeping me on task.
319
00:12:59,554 --> 00:13:04,023
Lately, I could feel his
eyes on me and Beyoncé.
320
00:13:04,025 --> 00:13:05,925
And I knew what he was thinking.
321
00:13:05,927 --> 00:13:07,160
Ah. Grant.
322
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:08,595
I think I know what you're here to say.
323
00:13:08,597 --> 00:13:10,263
I've been spending a lot
of time with Beyoncé.
324
00:13:10,265 --> 00:13:12,665
And this is not a
review of having a pet.
325
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,068
It's a review of putting a pet to sleep.
326
00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:16,936
That is what I was going to say.
327
00:13:16,938 --> 00:13:19,539
I feel like you're
falling for this lizard
328
00:13:19,541 --> 00:13:21,474
and forgetting what you have it for.
329
00:13:21,476 --> 00:13:24,010
Uh, no. Come on, Grant.
330
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:26,946
I'm not capable of falling
for anything except "Review."
331
00:13:26,948 --> 00:13:28,548
Now, having said that,
332
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,917
I will not be euthanizing Beyoncé.
333
00:13:30,919 --> 00:13:32,185
Forrest. No.
334
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,886
This is no regular dime
store lizard, Grant.
335
00:13:33,888 --> 00:13:35,755
He just returned from
the brink of death.
336
00:13:35,757 --> 00:13:36,956
Does that sound familiar?
337
00:13:36,958 --> 00:13:38,391
That happened to you and me too, right?
338
00:13:38,393 --> 00:13:40,460
You relate to him, don't
you? I've gotten to know him.
339
00:13:40,462 --> 00:13:43,563
And he's actually extremely intelligent.
340
00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:45,632
I mean, it's like, there's
a lot going on up there.
341
00:13:45,634 --> 00:13:47,000
So it would be a crime.
342
00:13:47,002 --> 00:13:49,769
Which is why I have purchased...
343
00:13:49,771 --> 00:13:51,437
Aha!
344
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:55,475
Another pet for the
express purpose of keeping
345
00:13:55,477 --> 00:13:57,377
for a couple of days and then killing.
346
00:13:57,379 --> 00:14:00,146
I'm gonna kill that one
instead. I named him Deyoncé.
347
00:14:00,148 --> 00:14:01,781
Take a look. Here you go.
348
00:14:01,783 --> 00:14:05,485
Beyoncé and Deyoncé.
349
00:14:05,487 --> 00:14:08,488
Friends for 1 or 2 days tops.
350
00:14:08,490 --> 00:14:11,557
And then, that one, I'm gonna kill.
351
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,661
That sounds fine.
352
00:14:14,663 --> 00:14:17,063
Good. Yeah.
353
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,999
Since any animal at all
would do for this assignment,
354
00:14:20,001 --> 00:14:21,434
I felt I'd found a good way
355
00:14:21,436 --> 00:14:24,304
to spare the life of a
creature with whom I had perhaps
356
00:14:24,306 --> 00:14:26,873
developed some kind of mutual respect.
357
00:14:26,875 --> 00:14:29,676
But there was a
terrible flaw in my plan.
358
00:14:30,446 --> 00:14:31,368
The picture is good,
359
00:14:31,393 --> 00:14:33,146
but I wish it could
look more old-timey.
360
00:14:33,148 --> 00:14:34,514
You know how old-timey
paper was all yellow, and...
361
00:14:34,516 --> 00:14:37,550
Yes! Just like that! Oh, that's perfect!
362
00:14:37,575 --> 00:14:38,059
Okay.
363
00:14:38,084 --> 00:14:40,660
Whoa. Where's Beyoncé?
364
00:14:40,715 --> 00:14:41,481
Isn't that Beyoncé?
365
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,207
No, this is my new lizard, Deyoncé.
366
00:14:43,232 --> 00:14:45,020
Whoa! Where's Beyoncé?
367
00:14:45,288 --> 00:14:46,644
Wait, did you 'em in there together?
368
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:47,660
Yeah, why?
369
00:14:47,685 --> 00:14:50,908
You shouldn't put two bearded
dragons in the same tank.
370
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:53,167
- Why not?
- Is that Beyoncé's foot?
371
00:14:53,169 --> 00:14:54,434
- Oh!
- Okay.
372
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,103
Oh, no! What happened?!
373
00:14:56,105 --> 00:14:58,505
Yeah, sometimes they eat
each other. It's crazy.
374
00:14:58,507 --> 00:15:00,140
What the [bleep] are you talking about?!
375
00:15:00,142 --> 00:15:01,341
I knew that. Ere's videos on YouTube...
376
00:15:01,343 --> 00:15:02,843
What the [bleep] are you talking about?!
377
00:15:02,845 --> 00:15:04,611
These [bleep] lizards eat each other?!
378
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:05,779
Oh, so we both knew that.
379
00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:07,014
Why the didn't you tell me that?!
380
00:15:07,016 --> 00:15:08,282
Oh, I thought we all knew that.
381
00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:10,117
I put them both in the same thing,
382
00:15:10,119 --> 00:15:11,819
and one of them ate the other one?!
383
00:15:16,158 --> 00:15:18,351
Well, I deal with grief alone.
384
00:15:21,764 --> 00:15:24,097
Maybe he's in the cave?
385
00:15:24,099 --> 00:15:25,532
Yeah, okay. All right.
386
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:28,836
I looked in the [bleep] cave!
387
00:15:28,838 --> 00:15:30,938
I had no emotional
attachment to Beyoncé
388
00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:33,006
and was not sad for myself.
389
00:15:33,008 --> 00:15:35,509
But the injustice of what
had happened troubled me.
390
00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:38,512
My only friend in the world!
391
00:15:50,526 --> 00:15:54,969
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
392
00:15:55,397 --> 00:15:57,364
After a period of reflection,
393
00:15:57,366 --> 00:15:59,833
I decided that I had
bonded enough with Deyoncé
394
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:03,103
to have a genuine experience
of putting him to sleep.
395
00:16:03,105 --> 00:16:05,239
You're comin' with
me, you piece of shit.
396
00:16:09,311 --> 00:16:12,346
My experience of putting
Deyoncé to sleep was, frankly,
397
00:16:12,348 --> 00:16:14,848
more like pet capital punishment.
398
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,116
It was justice.
399
00:16:16,118 --> 00:16:18,819
Regrettable, but completely necessary.
400
00:16:21,323 --> 00:16:25,225
I give putting a pet
to sleep three stars.
401
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:32,165
Next up, a tweet from GoGoOctavio.
402
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,800
I love the tweets! Uh-huh.
403
00:16:33,802 --> 00:16:37,037
"You survived death, so
here's a present from me."
404
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,606
What's it like to make
your dream come true?
405
00:16:39,608 --> 00:16:42,042
"Ta-da!"
406
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,410
Ta-da.
407
00:16:43,412 --> 00:16:45,212
What's it like to make
my dream come true?
408
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:47,814
What an... What an odd request that is.
409
00:16:47,816 --> 00:16:49,449
To go to sleep and have a dream
410
00:16:49,451 --> 00:16:52,085
and wake up and reenact
it in the real world?
411
00:16:52,087 --> 00:16:53,453
Should be interesting.
412
00:16:53,455 --> 00:16:56,089
I'm off to make my dream come true.
413
00:16:58,994 --> 00:17:01,528
Grant couldn't let me use
one of his many guest rooms
414
00:17:01,530 --> 00:17:03,096
in case out-of-town
relatives
415
00:17:03,098 --> 00:17:05,532
dropped by unexpectedly. You never know.
416
00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:08,302
So I spent my nights in
his garage on a sturdy
417
00:17:08,304 --> 00:17:10,237
cot that I rented from him.
418
00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:14,325
A perfect place for sleeping,
and thus, for dreaming.
419
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:17,477
I had never given a moment's
thought to my dreams.
420
00:17:17,479 --> 00:17:20,113
But now I would record one precisely
421
00:17:20,115 --> 00:17:22,716
and then reenact it in the real world.
422
00:17:22,718 --> 00:17:24,651
Okay, interesting stuff.
423
00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:27,454
There's gonna be some props to
round up, so please take notes.
424
00:17:27,456 --> 00:17:28,822
All right, so, it starts.
425
00:17:28,824 --> 00:17:31,558
And I'm walking down a
quaint, tree-lined street.
426
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,161
And I've got a plate
and my penis is on it.
427
00:17:34,163 --> 00:17:36,797
And, uh, no. Sorry, not penis, peacock.
428
00:17:36,799 --> 00:17:39,099
- Thank [bleep] God.
- It's just my handwriting.
429
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,500
Something slips out of my pants...
430
00:17:40,502 --> 00:17:42,169
- There it is.
- ... and it's my lizard.
431
00:17:42,171 --> 00:17:44,171
- Thank [bleep] God.
- He scampers away.
432
00:17:44,173 --> 00:17:46,106
And then we arrive at a park.
433
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,442
And my ex-wife is there
on a picnic blanket.
434
00:17:48,444 --> 00:17:50,110
And she's got Thanksgiving dinner out
435
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:52,245
with all the trimmings,
and then I hear a voice.
436
00:17:52,247 --> 00:17:54,314
And I run to it. And then I get lost.
437
00:17:54,316 --> 00:17:56,316
And then I get really, really scared.
438
00:17:56,318 --> 00:17:58,585
And that's when I woke up. Wild, right?
439
00:17:58,587 --> 00:18:00,320
- Mm.
- That shouldn't be too hard.
440
00:18:00,322 --> 00:18:03,457
Yeah. There's just one
part I got to work out.
441
00:18:03,459 --> 00:18:05,459
Convincing my ex-wife
442
00:18:05,461 --> 00:18:07,294
to help me make my dream come true
443
00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:08,795
by playing a role in it
444
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:11,099
would require all of my charms.
445
00:18:12,368 --> 00:18:14,234
Go away. I mean it.
446
00:18:14,236 --> 00:18:18,005
Which were difficult to
deploy through a closed door.
447
00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:21,333
And so I went back to
the drawing dream-board.
448
00:18:22,511 --> 00:18:23,977
Hmm.
449
00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:26,546
Unfortunately, Suzanne
also played a large role
450
00:18:26,548 --> 00:18:28,849
in the dreams I had the next night.
451
00:18:28,851 --> 00:18:30,421
No.
452
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,153
Hmm.
453
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,022
Yes. Yes.
454
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,027
And the night after that.
455
00:18:40,029 --> 00:18:41,328
Suzanne.
456
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:43,163
What the [bleep] is the matter with me?
457
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,232
Oh, Suzanne.
458
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:47,634
Suzanne. Suzanne.
459
00:18:47,636 --> 00:18:49,169
To my great frustration,
460
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:50,904
it appeared that my sleeping brain
461
00:18:50,906 --> 00:18:53,640
was constantly dwelling on my ex-wife.
462
00:18:53,642 --> 00:18:55,042
Perhaps if Suzanne had been
463
00:18:55,044 --> 00:18:57,110
more willing to open the door to me,
464
00:18:57,112 --> 00:18:59,079
she and I could have
moved on from one another
465
00:18:59,081 --> 00:19:00,514
in a healthier way.
466
00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:01,982
Ugh. Oh, [bleep].
467
00:19:01,984 --> 00:19:05,085
And my dreams would be
free to explore other ideas.
468
00:19:05,087 --> 00:19:07,058
Come on. Come on. Suzanne!
469
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:10,624
Amazingly, this prlem
persisted for 27 nights.
470
00:19:10,626 --> 00:19:13,927
Suzanne! Finally, I could wait no more.
471
00:19:13,929 --> 00:19:16,096
If this task were ever to be completed,
472
00:19:16,098 --> 00:19:17,497
I would simply have to reenact
473
00:19:17,499 --> 00:19:19,166
a dream that involved Suzanne.
474
00:19:19,168 --> 00:19:22,302
Would she cooperate or
thwart my life's work?
475
00:19:22,304 --> 00:19:25,105
There was only one way to know.
476
00:19:26,263 --> 00:19:28,417
Looking back on it now,
it occurs to me that
477
00:19:28,442 --> 00:19:30,768
when people speak of
making a dream come true...
478
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:34,136
... they are usually referring
to realizing an aspiration,
479
00:19:34,161 --> 00:19:36,027
rather than reenacting the pointless
480
00:19:36,052 --> 00:19:37,762
meanderings of a sleeping brain.
481
00:19:37,787 --> 00:19:39,053
Ah.
482
00:19:39,055 --> 00:19:40,955
I would like a hot dog, please.
483
00:19:40,957 --> 00:19:42,256
They're free.
484
00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:43,723
Thank you.
485
00:19:43,748 --> 00:19:46,294
Perhaps that would have been
a more meaningful exploration.
486
00:19:46,296 --> 00:19:48,763
Forrest. I talked to the judge,
487
00:19:48,765 --> 00:19:50,565
and he wants to end the trial
488
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:52,567
because he doesn't like you
489
00:19:52,569 --> 00:19:54,587
and he wants you to go to jail.
490
00:19:54,612 --> 00:19:56,971
Suzanne!
491
00:19:59,642 --> 00:20:01,142
This was the moment of truth.
492
00:20:01,144 --> 00:20:02,577
Suzanne!
493
00:20:02,579 --> 00:20:04,979
I needed Suzanne to act
in a very specific way
494
00:20:04,981 --> 00:20:07,081
and had no idea if she would comply.
495
00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:09,317
Go away, Forrest.
496
00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:13,154
Incredibly, Suzanne played
her role to perfection.
497
00:20:15,322 --> 00:20:17,355
Then I woke up. Perfect!
498
00:20:17,460 --> 00:20:19,861
Haha, we did it. Great job, everybody.
499
00:20:19,863 --> 00:20:21,929
That was exactly how I dreamed it.
500
00:20:21,931 --> 00:20:23,831
Oh, you know what? I should get dressed.
501
00:20:24,761 --> 00:20:26,551
Psychiatrists have argued
502
00:20:26,576 --> 00:20:28,336
that our dreams provide windows
503
00:20:28,338 --> 00:20:30,505
into our true inner thoughts.
504
00:20:30,507 --> 00:20:32,974
Speaking as a man who has
lived one of those dreams,
505
00:20:32,976 --> 00:20:36,143
I'd say those doctors are
all frauds and hucksters.
506
00:20:36,145 --> 00:20:38,779
But a group project is always fun.
507
00:20:38,781 --> 00:20:42,416
So, making your dream
come true gets four stars.
508
00:20:44,521 --> 00:20:45,820
Forrest, that's the end
509
00:20:45,822 --> 00:20:48,155
of the first episode of season three!
510
00:20:48,157 --> 00:20:50,124
Well, we're just getting started, A.J.
511
00:20:50,126 --> 00:20:52,059
We'll see you next time on "Review."
512
00:20:52,061 --> 00:20:53,554
"Review."
513
00:20:53,615 --> 00:20:56,942
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for
www.addic7ed.com
514
00:20:56,966 --> 00:20:59,400
Extra cheese!
37730
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.