Original subtitles

Life. It's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Over here.

S02E07 Buried Alive,6 Star Review,Public Speaking

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

Hello and welcome to "Review."

I am Forrest MacNeil, reviewer.

A.J., do you think you can kick us off with a review?

First review comes from Palmita

in Hillsborough, Arkansas.

Palmita.

You're kidding me.

- That is a ghoulish question. - Ugh!

Thankfully, I am only moderately claustrophobic,

otherwise, this would be a much more terrifying undertaking.

"Undertaking." Forrest.

Oh. That was not intentional.

The puns I make on purpose are quite a bit funnier than that.

Well, here I go. I'm off to find out what it's like to be...

buried alive.

Ahoy there!

The first step to being buried alive turned out to be

bribing a cemetery groundskeeper,

who was insane.

You out here looking for zombies?

Beg your pardon?

Sometimes we get these meth- head idiots lookin' for zombies.

Yeah, no, no, I'm just sad about a dead person.

You masturbate on the tombstones,

make sure you clean up after your mess.

Goes without saying.

After that, my intern, his girlfriend, and I were free

to put our flimsy homemade coffin anywhere we wanted.

My casket is equipped with an air tube and a little light.

It is now 1:15 a.m.

At exactly 1:15 a.m. tomorrow, you will dig me up.

Ugh!

Rest in peace, Forrest.

This part's more fun.

As the sound of dirt piling atop this coffin grows softer,

I just find myself wanting to call out,

"Stop! I'm still alive! Don't go!" You know?

Maybe the only thing more terrifying than that sound

is gonna be the moment that it stops.

Yep. That is more terrifying.

- Bye, Mr. MacNeil. - Good luck.

I soon discovered that as morbid as this was,

and as lonely as it was,

it was mostly horrifically, oppressively boring.

I slept for a very refreshing nine hours,

but then I was bored again.

I never get to play the games on my phone, you know.

I'm always so busy, but now...

Oh! Suzanne.

I had not spoken with my ex-wife Suzanne since my review

of making our son's wish come true...

For mom and me to move in with Joe Dale, Jr.

Sadly forced me to convince her to move in

with her frequently unfaithful boyfriend,

and now she was calling me.

Perhaps she had finally come to her senses.

Maybe she was even willing to give us another chance.

Hey! How's it going?

Trouble hearing you.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm here. I'm here, what's up?

Very important news. So...

Okay, stop, stop, stop.

All I heard was that you have important news.

I can't hear you.

I-I'm getting married, is what I'm trying to tell you.

Okay.

Far from coming to her senses,

she had now taken full leave of them.

What could I possibly say to this horrible news?

Uh, that's great.

What? I can't hear you.

That is great.

Any hope I had ever had of being with Suzanne again,

of putting our family back together,

was now shut tighter than this cheap wooden box.

Really, really hap... We're so happy.

Oh.

Before that phone call, I felt completely

out of my element in this coffin.

Now, I felt right at home.

When, after 24 hours, Josh called to tell me

he was on his way to dig me up...

Hello.

I could not have cared less.

Whatever.

But my perspective changed rather quickly.

- Yep? - Hey, Mr. Mac...

Do you remember where you are? Are you by, like, a tree?

Okay, are you telling me that you don't know where I am?

You're by a tree, aren't you?

He doesn't know where I am.

Oh.

Oh, that's interesting.

I only told one person where I am,

and it was...

the stupidest person I know.

Help! Can you hear me up there?

If you can hear my voice, start digging!

Get me out of here! I gotta get out of here.

Suzanne had crushed my spirit.

My life now seemed utterly pointless.

And yet, faced with the possibility of being

lost forever in the bowels of the Earth,

something in me stirred.

Aah!

Gotta get out of here! Let me out of here!

Let me out!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

My incredible and inspiring refusal to lie down and die

sent my fists shattering through

a thin layer of particle board,

and clawing through soil to face what was left of my life,

and triumph.

Holy 'bleep'. Zombies! Zombies!

Oh, that explains the bandage.

Yes, I was mistaken for a fictional flesh-eating monster.

While I did enjoy the forced solitude

and the chance to reflect free from distraction,

the experience of being buried alive carries too high a risk

of turning into the experience of being buried dead.

half a star.

This review comes from Eugenia in Lake Lure, North Carolina.

- Uh-huh! - Hey, Forrest.

I love it when you give something five stars.

But what would it be like to give something six stars?

Uh... no. I-I can't do that.

I... you know, I rate things on a scale of one to five stars.

So what? Give something six stars.

No, I can't do that. I mean, if the scale can change,

then anything can change, and then none of this

means anything at all.

Looks like I'm...

gonna have to use one of my vetoes.

Yes! Finally the veto!

Yeah!

Yep, I can veto two reviews this season,

and I haven't done it yet, but this task

is totally impossible, so it looks like...

I'm gonna have to veto it!

No, wait a minute. No, I have an idea.

No veto. No veto. I figured this out.

Okay, what's it like to give something six stars?

I'm gonna go find out.

Hello, I'm Forrest MacNeil, and welcome to "Assess."

Whatever life experience you're curious about,

I will do it and then I will assess it

on a scale of two to six stars.

I have created this show expressly for the purpose

of giving something six stars.

- It's a whole new show. - Whoopee.

Now, please, A.J., what is our first rev... no.

Our... our first assessment?

Natasha from Homer, Alaska.

Hi, Forrest. I'm lactose intolerant,

so what's it like to have the best ice cream in town?

- Oh, well, that's fantastic. - Mm-hmm.

I have a feeling that this might just get

my highest rating.

- Oh. - Of six stars.

- Yep. - Okay!

By popular consensus, the best ice cream in my town

can be found at this artisanal ice cream truck.

May I have one chocolate ice cream cone, please?

It was absolutely delicious.

This is absolutely delicious.

Rich, but not too rich, cocoa-y, sweet,

with a subtle hint of nutmeg.

Quite simply, the best ice cream I had ever had.

No. Oh, no, no.

Damn it. Oh, oh, that's worse, ugh.

Eating the best ice cream in town was a very pleasant experience.

Each bite was tiny scoop of heaven.

But I've spent this entire day

with a chocolate smudge on my shirt.

So, unfortunately I cannot, in good conscience,

give this experience six stars.

Eating the best ice cream in town, 51/2 stars.

This might take longer than I expected.

Yeah.

Welcome to "Evaluate,"

the show where I evaluate life on a scale of six to six stars.

Every evaluation on this show gets six stars.

On to our first evaluation, A.J.

Okay, it's from a viewer named Haddie

- from Wilmington, Delaware. - All righty.

As a woman, I've always been curious,

what's it like to be kicked in the balls?

You got to be kidding me.

I guess I'm going to need to find someone to kick me in the balls.

I'll be perfectly honest with you, A.J., this...

Aaaah!

- Ohh! Oh, 'bleep'! - Oh, no, no, no.

- Oh, God. - Oh, my God, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I thought you said for me to do it.

No, I didn't say that. Ah!

But it's very helpful, thank you.

- I'm sorry! - Oh, my God, wow!

It's an agony that starts in my left testicle and just

ripples out to every corner of my body.

Oh, God, that's just... that's weird that it starts

in your left testicle.

Oh, no. Uh, that makes me realize,

you only kicked me in the left testicle and that 'bleep'

Old lady wants to know what it's like to be kicked in both balls!

Plural! She said, "Kicked in the balls."

No, please, don't make me do this again, Forrest.

A.J., A.J., A.J., please!

- Kick me in the right ball! - Oh, my...

Otherwise, I cannot evaluate this.

Let's go, just do it, just do it!

Did I get it?

- You got it! - Okay.

Oh,!

I give being kicked in the balls...

six stars.

Oh,.

Giving something six stars could be a thrilling experience

if done as an expression of highest approval.

But when done in a system in which there is no other choice,

it is remarkably unremarkable.

one star.

Our next review is from Joaquin Phoenix.

- Oh, you're kidding me! - Oh, wow!

Oh! Oh.

Hi, I'm Joaquin in Phoenix.

I have to apologize to everyone at my church this Sunday.

What's it like to speak in public?

Oh, well, I guess this is exactly the moment to confess

that even though I'm a seasoned and very highly well regarded

television presenter, I occasionally feel

the terror of stage fright.

Sometimes I can see the sweat building on your upper lip from over here.

No, no, for me it's more of an internal thing.

I don't think it's noticeable.

Okay, well, I am off to speak publicly!

I have recently learned that my ex-wife is getting married

to a man that I accidentally introduced her to.

Suzanne met this man during my review of catfishing

when I used his annoyingly perfect face

to communicate with her.

When she wanted to meet me, I kept up the ruse,

and produced Joe Dale, Jr. , who, as it turns out,

is a wealthy professional athlete.

- Hello. - Soon after,

they started dating.

So he is a fraud, and she is a dupe.

And not only that, he cheats on her... all the time.

So, if that doesn't have the makings

of a memorable wedding speech, I don't know what does.

I set to work writing a speech to deliver at their rehearsal dinner,

one that would completely derail this wedding of lies.

"Are marrying a stand-in

for the man you really fell for."

The speech I have written is a vicious, destructive act

of character assassination.

But that doesn't make it immune from the number one rule

I gotta open with a joke.

Now, I remember that my late father-in-law Jack

opened his toast at our wedding with a real doozey.

So I've been combing through the home video of our wedding.

I think I've got it. Let's see that joke.

Oh, but I think Forrest is a little nervous.

Today he asked me what the wedding night

was gonna be like, and I said, oh, don't worry,

it's like a candy bar...

- Oh, no, no, don't tell... - Dad! Dad!

It's like a candy bar. Once you take the wrapper off,

the next two minutes will be heavenly.

Love that joke! Seriously though,

I love this guy. He's a little weird sometimes.

I don't always know what he's talking about, but darn it,

he... he makes my daughter happy, and that's all

a dad can ask for his kids.

So, Forrest, I want you to promise that you'll always

keep my little girl happy.

- Can you promise me that? - Yes, I promise.

- Say it again. - I promise.

- One more time. - I promise.

Thank you. May you two have many children,

who will likely be the first generation to live in space.

So with that in mind, let's toast.

Guest book, huh?

People get to express their feelings toward the couple.

Let's go.

You know, I'm... I'm hoping to pass undetected here,

at least till it's time to give my big...

- Forrest? - Ah. Oh, hello.

- What are you doing here? - What am I doing here?

I'm just helping to celebrate the big day.

You were not invited. It is inappropriate that you are here.

You're not supposed to be at rehearsal...

- Hey, Dad! - Oh, my God, I'm gonna...

Are you coming to dinner?

Am I coming to dinner? Yes, I'm coming to dinner.

Give me a hug.

Ah, you look great.

Okay, honey, why don't you go say hi to your aunt?

- I'll be right over, okay? - Okay, sure.

He is so excited to see me. That's so sweet, you know?

Okay, listen to me.

If you stay, I do not want you to do anything.

Just don't be yourself. Just be somebody different.

It was a delightful affair.

Mind if I join you guys?

I was a late addition to the guest list.

I took my seat and tried to enjoy the meal.

But I was far too nervous about my upcoming speech

to eat anything at all.

What up, everyone? How you doing?

As the toasts began and I readied myself

for my moment in the sun,

I couldn't help but notice that Suzanne was having

a delightful time with her soon-to-be husband

and his family.

What if this simple man could make her happy?

I thought of the promise I had made to her father

at our wedding, and I put away my bitter, hateful speech.

And now I'm gonna turn the microphone over

to an honored guest.

Oh,.

Oh, a wedding!

Instead, I decided to speak from the heart.

I think Joe is a little nervous here.

He's, uh, asking me about opening up the wrapper,

and I told him, you know, that just takes two minutes,

and then we can all have candy.

Or whoever wants it, you know.

I don't... what? Yeah.

So I had some words prepared for tonight,

just typical ex-husband stuff,

but, uh, really wanted to say something more important.

When I married Suzanne, it was my priority in life

to keep her happy, but I let other things come first.

I don't know why I did that. That was stupid.

But, uh, I still feel that it's my job to keep her happy.

Which is why I have something that I need to say.

I've been watching you guys and, uh...

and... and you're happy, you're really happy.

You're obviously really happy.

So, my mission is accomplished, basically.

Perhaps I should have stopped there.

Just a second. Just a minute.

Uh, Joe, I just want to tell Joe that he's a lucky man...

because you're marrying this beautiful, beautiful,

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful woman.

- Thank you, Forrest. - And just the most patient

and... and intelligent woman in the whole universe.

But instead I adopted a risky

stream of consciousness approach.

We have had some times together.

Do you remember Maui?

If you go to Maui, go with the person that you love most

in your life would be my advice.

That's what I did, and I went with Suzanne.

Oh, how I felt then! Like everything in the world

was just gonna be okay forever!

I just want to also mention that when our beautiful boy Eric

was born, what an incredible time that was.

Forrest, that's enough.

Listen, no, I just want to say one thing.

One last thing, just, I'll...

I want you to please stop talking.

I'm about to stop talking.

- Please... stop... talking. - I'm almost done.

Just one more thing I want to say.

- What I would like you to do... - Yes?

- Is to stop it. - And I will.

First, I want to say that... I made a mistake.

Because I let you feel that you were not the most important

thing in the world to me, and that was stupid.

I'm sorry. And I...

I'm just sorry.

And I just want to tell you that I miss you...

- Okay. - And it's very hard to go on

without you, and now I'm gonna end the speech.

But I'm gonna end it in a way that I think...

I think you're really gonna appreciate.

Okay.

What are you doing? No. No. Forrest! Oh, my God.

- Suzanne, will you marry... - Get up!

Hey, hey, hey! Let her answer!

Get your hands off me. Idiot. That's enough, that's enough.

- Really? Really, man? - Yeah.

Please, stop! Oh, my God. Okay.

- Big, dumb, stupid jerk! - Oh, my God!

Words have power to move people.

Sometimes in positive ways,

and sometimes in very negative ways.

Public speakers must be prepared for that.

- Stop it! - I think he broke my arm!

And they sometimes have to back up their words with force.

Oh, my God!

- He's biting me! - No! Cut it out!

Cut it out!

Thanks, everybody, for all your help.

And when that doesn't work, there are always more words.

I was catfishing you, Suzanne.

- What? - Shut up, man.

- You shut up. - Shut up.

I was catfishing you, that was me on MeFindYou.com

that you were talking to.

- What are you talking about? - That was me,

and I hired him to help me fool you.

- Will you shut up? - What? Joe?

That was me you were talking to!

It was me that you fell in love with.

Remember, remember when you were talking to Ace Shrift?

I was Ace Shrift, and you were talking about...

- Joe. - The spatial layout of Costco.

Who's gonna walk right in and buy a TV?

I said that!

I feel that way too about Costco!

- He's a liar and a fraud! - You shut up!

- You shut up! - What is going on?

Who was talking to me online?

He is just a guy that puts on

a little boy suit and runs really fast and catches a ball

real good, and sleeps with women constantly!

- Oh, yeah, right! - What?

He is constantly cheating on you, constantly!

Every city he goes to, sleeping with baseball groupie whores!

- No, it's not... - Who are you? What is going on?

I do not want to talk about this anymore!

- Suzanne, Suzanne! - Get away from me!

He's a fraud and a liar!

I will end you!

Suzanne, Suzanne, listen! Suzanne, come on!

Hey! Hey!

There is no such thing as the perfect speech.

Something will always go wrong.

But at the same time, public speaking allows us

the opportunity to share essential truths

with the people who need to hear them most.

I give it 41/2 stars.

Aren't you gonna tell us what happened between Suzanne and Joe Dale, Jr.?

Oh, yeah, well, Suzanne has not been returning my calls,

but I have learned through the grapevine

that their wedding was called off.

- Oh. - That's a...

that's a terrible shame.

That's all the time we have left for today.

Please tune in next time for more of what life has to offer.

- Bye! - Bye.

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

Extra cheese!