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[accordion music]

[people singing "Hava Nagila"]

[singing continues]

Shit!

Sh... Shit!

Damn it.

[coughing]

-[singing continues] -[coughing]

[gasping]

What happened to her?

She used to be such a nice girl!

Hi.

[upbeat jazz music playing]

[laughing]

Hi!

Congratulations, my love!

How's it going? Hi.

-[Arthur] You look great. Congratulations. -Congratulations, Jeremy.

-Come on, let's go! -I can't believe...

[squealing excitedly]

Good luck tonight. We'll be the ones in the back screaming your name.

[piano music playing]

[music ends]

-[woman] Well done, Claire! -[man whooping]

Good luck.

Okay, you guys, it's just a competition.

Prestigious, world-renowned, career-making competition.

[girl] Let's just do it.

Well, welcome to the world of the musician.

Rejection, rejection, rejection.

[both] Rejection like a dog in the street.

I taught you well.

The judges are stupid in my opinion,

because you're the best pianist I've ever heard. You're so--

No, we're sunk!

We're not sunk.

No, we're doomed, Claire.

Baby, that's not true.

You know that's not true. Come on, we're okay.

We have useless degrees.

[Claire chuckles]

What are we gonna do with the rest of our lives?

[sighs deeply]

[whispering]

[Claire] He frigging proposed right out of nowhere at 3:00 a.m.

[Sabrina] So what did you say?

[Claire] I didn't know what to say.

My heart was just pounding at 100 beats a minute,

and I just... I just froze.

Well?

This is big. I mean, this is, like, magnormous.

So are you... I mean, is it real?

Oh... Oh, God!

I love him. I mean, I love him so much.

So are you gonna accept his proposal? [chuckles]

[upbeat song playing]

[squeals]

Well, little sis, you know what this means?

We're gonna be married in the same year!

We can all vacation in the Hamptons.

Our children can...

That lipstick's awfully dark.

You look hot.

Now go get engaged.

Yes.

[laughs] Yes!

Yes what?

[vehicles honking]

He was drunk.

He doesn't remember anything.

He blacked out proposing to you?

Did you slap him? What did you say?

[Claire] Well, it gets worse.

He took my hand and squeezed it.

And all of a sudden he said to me,

"I think it's time we give this a rest, hon."

He, um...

He... I guess he broke up with me.

You should have dumped the bastard months ago.

He's not gonna call.

I know.

You know, I should really just go over there. I really should.

Oh, no, no.

If you go over there, he's gonna be horny.

Guys are always horny after a breakup.

So?

"So?"

So then you'll do him, and you'll be mistaking it for a reconciliation.

But in the morning he's gonna need his space again.

I don't smoke.

It's very comforting.

[Arthur] I gotta go to the video store.

I got to do inventory on a new shipment.

Maybe we shouldn't leave Claire alone.

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm just gonna take a little nap.

Five days! You've been sleeping for five days!

I haven't been sleeping the whole time.

I've been sitting up on occasion.

Well, honey, you won't always feel this way.

Well, how long is it gonna take?

I don't know. I can't tell you exactly.

It took me about four months to get over Bo.

Oh, please. You're not over Bo now.

Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[woman] Claire.

Claire!

Claire.

Bubbala!

Claire, we schlepped all the way over here,

and we're not gonna leave till you come out.

[brakes screeching]

[van door shuts]

Look, we're paying you to break in, no questions asked.

[drill whirring]

[clamoring]

Go ahead and say it, Ma. I look like shit.

You look like shit.

You know, when Grandpa Alvie, the louse, left Grandma Bitburg,

he left her with three children to raise,

and a butcher shop to run.

The very next day, she was smiling

as she sold a rump roast to an old widow.

And the widow asked her, "How can you be smiling? You just lost your man."

And she said, "A woman's life is like a plate of spaghetti.

A man, he's just a meatball.

Does the meatball make the spaghetti taste better?

Yes.

Does the spaghetti need the meatball?

No."

You hear what I'm saying?

Welcome to the land of the perpetually depressed.

I'll be your tour guide.

That's a lot of rejection for one week.

First a fiancee,

then a career-making competition like the Tchaikovsky.

But you know what you've got

that no one can take away from you?

Great skin.

[Aunt Velva] It gets better, bubbala.

When my Sully died,

it went from a severe, sharp, stabbing pain,

to a severe long-lasting ache.

[sobbing]

[Sabrina] I made a list of dateable men for you.

First is Kenny Pratt.

Actually, I always wanted Kenny Pratt. That would be weird.

But there's Alan Myers.

Mmm. He's a podiatrist.

He can do things with his feet that you never thought possible.

So what you gotta do is pull up them britches,

strap on that helmet,

and jump back in the game.

Halftime's over, baby.

Now, I want you to put on your bra,

get back to practice,

and just forget about seeing that schmuck.

Mmm. His bathroom light is on.

Do you see that? Isn't that weird?

Why do you think his bathroom light would be on?

[Sabrina] Probably because he's in the bathroom.

Claire, darling, what you need to do

is have some good old-fashioned American fun.

Now, come on, let's get drunk.

Drunk?

Is that what you think?

You think I have to start drinking just because my life is falling apart?

-Yeah. -I'll have you know I'm fine.

You know what I need to do?

I need to just clear the air with him once and for all.

You think I should go over there?

-No. -No.

You guys don't understand.

-You've got Alice. -Yeah.

And you've got guys lined up in a row, and you've got Rudy.

Who's halfway around the world

and not gonna be home for three more months.

Listen to you. You sound serious.

Yeah. Well, we've been talking about

moving things to the next level when he gets out.

I miss the hairy son of a bitch.

So I've ended the incessant masturbation.

-Good. -Yeah.

Hi.

Yeah, just once or twice per day now in the stock room.

Which I like to believe is a sign that I'm mastering

the art of not thinking about Alice every second of every day.

Do her already!

That girl's so hot for you she's practically laid out runway lights.

Have you seen these two play Scrabble?

[sighs] It's like foreplay.

We happen to share a love for words, that's all.

-Yeah. -It would never, ever work.

Why not?

[Arthur] We rented videos.

I wanted Prophecies of the Millennium,

a speculative hour on impending doom,

and she wanted Pretty in Pink.

Claire.

Since you're finally out of bed tonight,

does that mean that you're gonna come to the party?

With no detours to the bastard's house.

Did I tell you that I might have found

a healthy way to satisfy my sexual frustration?

You're not calling the lawyer.

She met this cute lawyer in the fish market who wanted phone sex.

Actually he wanted phone sex or cybersex,

but I'm not online.

I said no.

You didn't say no.

I know you. You're a liar.

[Sabrina chuckles] I'm not.

Anyway, I think phone sex is kind of... It's kind of skanky.

You're so strong.

[exhales] Ah, it feels so good right there.

Oh, you're so good.

You're such a good boy.

[door unlocking]

Claire?

Hey.

It's not that I don't want to make love to you.

You understand? It's just that I...

I might mistake it for a reconciliation,

whereas you might just be horny,

and then in the morning you're gonna need your space again.

You know what I mean?

So I... I think that we should really talk first, you know?

Just clear everything up emotionally so there's no confusion about anything.

[stutters] So, yeah, it's really, really, really good

that you're gonna call me at 7:30. Right?

You'll call me at 7:30? Yeah?

Hey, I've been screwing up my auditions. Can I get my shoe back?

His shoe?

Last year we went to see Jeremy's idol, Andre Watts' at the symphony.

And when Andre comes out,

he practically gets mobbed by fans

and he loses a scarf and a shoe.

Some Japanese cellist got the scarf

and Jeremy got the shoe.

Anyway, so now he takes it with him to all his auditions

like a good luck charm.

And he wanted it back.

[Sabrina] Okay, that's really creepy.

At least you didn't let him touch you, did you?

Did you?

He said the sweetest thing to me last night.

He said, "The thought of hurting you

keeps me up at night."

[sighs]

I mean, it really looks like he wants to work things out.

We even set up a time to talk.

7:30, Friday night.

I say give back the freaky shoe and be done with him.

Look, for the first time in days I'm starting to feel a little hopeful here.

You know?

Like, maybe my life won't be one long string of impending disasters

and inescapable doom.

[loud rumbling]

-[glass shatters] -[objects clatter]

[car alarm blaring]

Jeremy?

[dogs barking]

[siren wailing]

What do you mean my building's condemned?

That building's fine, and that building's fine.

So mine can't be condemned.

I'm sorry, miss, you have to vacate within 24 hours.

There's no way I can possibly move right now.

I mean, where am I supposed to go?

-You're home! -Hi, Mom.

Look who's home.

Unscathed by the earthquake and looking just...

Well, looking just fine. Oh, you look fine.

-Oh, hey Sabrina. -Hey, Aunt Sheila.

-Thanks, Arthur. -[Arthur mutters]

-Bennett called. -Oh.

The NYU audition is on for this Thursday.

That's good, Ma.

The important thing is, I've got both my girls under one roof.

Claire! [squeals excitedly]

I'm just so glad that you're up and about.

My old room.

I'm gonna puke.

Hey. Mom says to tell you that dinner will be ready in an hour.

Oh, and a word of warning. [chuckles]

She's, uh, experimenting with Grandma Bitburg's recipes.

-[sighs] -And you remember what happened the last time

that she tried to make Jewish food.

Oh, look at you.

Sitting on the bed all depressed.

It's just like old times.

I have made my first matzah ball soup.

I'm so excited about this.

Been working on it all day.

I want you to try it first.

I had a great idea.

How about we have Jenine's engagement party

right here in our living room?

We can decorate everything,

and by that time I'll have Grandma Bitburg's recipes singing with life.

Ma, we've been through this.

I told you that it would need a major atmosphere makeover,

-and you yawned in my ear. -[dial tone]

Oh, but Barry and I did decide on our color palette.

Coral and bisque.

What's bisque?

[Jenine] Yellowish pink.

If you drink all that,

you're gonna have a hard time going to work tomorrow.

Maybe I don't wanna go to work tomorrow.

The coordinator thought that cream was out as a color.

Did you have a fight with Morty?

I'm just taking some time off work, that's all.

I heard you're hoarding ding-dongs.

[Jenine] Do you think I'm making a mistake?

Do you think it should be coral and cream?

[Sheila] Well, fight or no fight, you have to go to work.

I mean, if I didn't go to work every time I had a fight with someone,

if I worked, I'd be fired.

[Jenine] Because if I'm making a mistake,

I wish someone would tell me.

[stutters] Did you hear something?

Was that a ring?

[dial tone]

Am I gonna have to start crushing Prozac in the mashed potatoes?

[music playing on stereo]

[Claire] Hey, Jeremy.

Hey.

Hey, you. What's going on?

Jeremy, hi.

[cheerfully] Jeremy, hi.

[dialing]

Hello?

Uh, yeah, is Jeremy there?

This is Claire.

Claire Goldstein.

Who is this?

[panting]

-Whoa! -Oh!

Hello, there.

-Hi. -Hi.

[sobbing]

Are you okay?

Hey, those are great shoes.

I'm sorry. I'm being rude. I'm Eddie.

Oh.

Hi.

I'm, uh... [sniffling]

I'm... I'm late for a party.

[Latin music playing]

Halle-fucking-lujah!

It's about time.

[people whooping and cheering]

[laughs]

Yay! Look, my love is here.

Oh, my God, look who's here!

Oh, my God!

-Wait a minute. -What are you wearing?

You have to take those off.

[all clamoring]

Hi, Claire.

[music continues]

...8:20 and he hadn't called me, and so I decided to call him.

And big-nosed Bella Butski answered the phone,

and she had this... She had this little flitty, happy voice.

Stay.

He can't be dating her, right?

He can't be.

I mean, the thought of hurting me

is supposed to be keeping him up at night.

[Sabrina] The boy is a schnauzer.

Oh, did I tell you who wants to date me?

Who, the phone sex guy?

I thought you weren't gonna date him.

[Sabrina] Well, it's just one date at Ray's on the hill.

Ray's? $100 a plate Ray's?

Manny. Honey, this is not a lab.

I've noticed that lately he'll answer to the name Sheldon.

You guys, be careful what you eat.

Lately, little Sheldon here has been putting acid in the food.

Yesterday I found a couple of tabs he put in my Cocoa Puffs.

Yeah, and I spent the rest of the day barking at a potato bug.

-Put that on. That's the one. -Yeah.

-[Sabrina] What do you think? -It's fantastic.

You're just in time to meet Alan. Put this on.

Who's Alan?

Who's Alan?

[music continues]

So, this, uh... This is a great party.

You know, it's Sabrina's place.

It's amazing.

What does Sabrina do for a living?

She calls her father.

[chuckles]

You seem to really like the guacamole.

Mmm. Mmm.

I do, I do. It's really good.

Yeah. [stutters] It's got, uh... It's got lemon,

and, um, cilantro, right?

Which I do like.

Except when I was little... I was, like, eight, I think,

cilantro made me break out into this rash.

It was like itchy hives.

And other spices, I had reactions to them also.

Is my hand in the guacamole?

Yeah.

[all vocalizing]

[playing upbeat music]

I only work at the video store part-time.

At night I'm working on my first novel

called I Hate People.

What am I even doing here?

I've always been terrible at this

happy, peppy, party person thing.

You're fine.

Just relax and try to keep your body parts out of the food.

-Hey. -Hey.

So, you're ready?

-Just been waiting on you. -Good.

Let the games begin.

[music continues]

Oh, I guess one sip won't kill me.

Manny, you are the only one who really understands me.

Thank you.

-Thank you for that. Really. -Yeah.

Do you ever wonder why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

You are in worse shape than I thought.

Dinophobia? That's not a word.

Fear of dining and dinner conversations.

I don't believe you.

No? I don't believe "nacket."

What the hell's a nacket?

It's a person who picks up stray tennis balls during a tennis match.

-You... -Yeah.

Are so challenged.

[Claire] Well, it doesn't make any difference

because I'm completely and officially done

with love.

I'm gonna be celibate.

Love don't live here anymore.

Come here, babe.

Stay. Oh, here.

The time has come.

All right, you ready?

Who is this?

I have no idea.

It's the Mona Lisa.

[Claire] That's the Mona Lisa?

Believe it or not, but she is your key to getting men.

Mmm-hmm.

[trumpet playing]

-[snoring] -[people speaking indistinctly]

Damn it! She won again!

How... Hey.

Hey, have you ever heard of a... a nacket?

[Sabrina] Why do you think

that the whole world is so obsessed with the Mona Lisa?

Because no one knows what she's thinking.

I mean, is she sneering? Is she smiling?

Is she smirking?

That's why whenever a guy comes towards you

that you want,

you have to think like Mona.

-[glass shattering] -You just have to be like Mona.

-Be like Mona. -[thudding]

-[trumpet continues playing] -[siren wailing]

[horn blaring]

[siren wailing]

[groaning]

[jackhammers drilling]

[jackhammer drilling]

[Eddie] Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Found new shoes.

-Hmm? -New shoes.

Oh. Oh, my God.

If you can call them shoes.

Oh.

You okay? You don't look too good.

Yeah, well, that's because

my head is about to implode at any second.

[chuckles]

I can fix that.

Hey.

Are you sure about this?

This can't be your first hangover.

It is.

Well...

[crossdresser] Smile!

[laughs] Ow!

Let me see this.

Yeah. I think that these two people should go out for pizza.

[Sheila] Does anybody know where Claire is?

She didn't come home last night.

[Ida] Maybe she left early to get a good practice room.

No. Her bed wasn't slept in.

Hello, hello. Don't you get it?

Barry hates multi-colored hydrangea.

You know, I just don't get it.

For 15 years, the piano's her life.

Now, one schmuck dumps her and she just loses it.

-[oven timer dings] -Oh, Christ, my latkes.

[Jenine] And with escrow closing now,

Barry will be back from Boston any day.

Why do you have to move to Boston?

Do you have any idea how cold it gets there?

As a partner, his salary will triple.

In a couple years, he'll be able to start his own practice.

Did I ever tell you about Marion Brickmeyer's cousin?

He moved to Boston, got caught in a winter storm,

and lost a pinky toe. True story.

Ma, I'm really not up for one of your stories right now.

Excuse me.

Well, good morning, sunshine.

[Sheila] So... where were you all night?

We were worried you'd been killed or worse.

Well, I was, um...

out... with friends.

Doing yoga.

[softly] Yoga?

Lots and lots of yoga.

Morning.

Hey, Dad.

Your mom's a little worried about you.

She says you're not eating and you're not sleeping.

I think I may have done a really stupid thing.

I accepted a date.

Well, the important thing is, is he Jewish?

[giggles]

What's the big deal? It's just a date.

I know, but what if Jeremy sees us?

I mean, he'll think I'm dating someone else.

And not to mention the fact that I don't get

this whole poker-face Mona Lisathing.

I mean, what do I talk about?

First dates are simple.

Just don't talk about former boyfriends

or kids or marriage or breakups.

Fears, insecurities.

Oh, dieting or religion.

Religion's a... You know what?

Just talk about... him.

You know what? Men love to talk about themselves.

Oh, and make sure somewhere in the date,

you slip in that you slept with women, okay?

Tell him I've slept with women?

[thunderclap]

-Hey. -Hey!

-[laughs] -Are we in the right place?

I thought you said we were meeting for pizza.

Yeah. We are. Should be here.

[motorbike approaching]

Right about now.

-[laughs] -Excuse me.

Are you sure we're allowed to do this?

I am...

sure we're not allowed to do it.

[Claire giggles]

Madame.

[thunderclap]

Nice weather, huh?

[Claire] Yeah, beautiful.

I used to come here all the time.

They closed this place a couple of years ago.

Huh.

I don't know why.

[Claire] Wow!

Look at this! This is beautiful!

-Yeah. Had my first date here, too. -You did?

Tamara Beth Bachama.

Actually, it was a field trip,

-But I did hold her hand. Let's go! Now! -[laughing]

I stole cars, I stole car parts...

I stole an ambulance.

[laughs] Why?

I don't know. I was bored.

I was an idiot.

I mean, things only started to change when my dad died.

Left me and my brothers the market.

-Market? -The fish market.

Wait a minute!

You're Eddie Marblatt of Marblatt's?

[laughs]

So, I mean, it was only like a year after my dad kicked it,

my mom's health is failing.

The business was... Well, it was going down.

So what happened?

I mean, it's like a big successful chain now.

My brother. He thought up our mascot, Terry the Tuna.

[Claire chuckles]

Yeah. You know, we got those commercials

where the tuna's tap-dancing and singing.

-You don't know that? -Mmm.

♪ Tuna, swordfish Salmon filet ♪

♪ Marblatt's, the freshest Catch of the day ♪

I just sang to you. I can't believe I just sang to you. [laughs]

I feel like I'm yapping, too. Am I talking too much?

Tell me about you. You play piano. What else?

Um... well, I'm a Sagittarius.

Scorpio.

[laughs] Um, I like overalls.

And...

I like women.

Why would you tell him you like women?

-I don't know. I panicked, okay? -[video game beeping]

How am I supposed to just slip it in there that I slept with women?

I mean, there I am, smiling my goofy-ass smile,

careful not to reveal too much,

and then, "Oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian"?

[chuckles] You got it all wrong.

No, you're not a lesbian. You just slept with women.

But you also have to let them know

that nothing compares to a penis.

This is insane. I can't keep up.

All right. Come here.

What?

There's an unwritten rule that men are turned on by women

who've had sexual liaisons with other women.

Okay.

But in order to keep their egos and their libidos intact,

you have to let them know it was a worthwhile experience,

but there is nothing that compares to a penis.

-[chuckles] -Why do you have that look on your face?

What? I don't.

You do, too.

Oh, my God. [gasps] You didn't?

-No! -You totally did!

I know you did it with phone sex guy!

I had a three-minute orgasm.

Three-minute orgasm!

Oh, my God! That's so amazing!

Oh, my God.

[bell tolling]

[Claire] So, what's this whole Marseilles thing all about?

It's nothing. Just an opportunity to perform

and take home a shitload of foreign money.

But I don't understand. How come you turned it down?

Because I'm happy here. I don't feel like taking

my whole godforsaken existence off to France.

Yeah, that's good.

[chuckles] Excuse me? Hello, this is me you're talking to.

You've always wanted to get back to performing.

[chuckles] And aren't you the guy that named your dog Mitterrand?

[both chuckle]

You practically dream in French.

Yeah, well, that's why they're dreams, huh?

[sighs]

Man, I used to come in here and daydream for hours.

I know.

That's why I used to leave the door unlocked for you.

You did?

Come on. We'll come back to rehearse later.

Ah, forget Tchaikovsky. Dead son of a bitch.

[Claire laughs]

[Claire] Okay, so why do you guys always meet at a hotel?

Oh, 'cause he's married.

Uh, you didn't tell me this one was married.

Yeah. That's the total best part.

How? How is that the total best part?

Because so am I, practically.

I mean, when Rudy comes home next year,

I love him, and then we'll probably get engaged.

-Where are you going? -Come on, Arthur!

Well, emotionally, I'm stable,

it's just, physically I'm deficient.

It's like I need a vitamin or something.

Just a little vitamin from time to time.

How often do you take your vitamin?

Not very often.

He spends a lot of time with his family, which I respect.

He has kids?

Yes. He has two. One with his first wife, Laura

and one with his second wife, Mimi.

-So he was married before? -He's still married.

So your new boyfriend's a bigamist?

Well, I love Rudy, and Carl's emotionally invested elsewhere,

which leaves me the only part I want...

his bellybutton, where I can stick my--

[Claire] Are you hearing yourself?

You're dating a married bigamist.

Hey, do I judge your fish man?

Okay, I'm outta here.

Hey, wait. Oh, no. Don't tell me you're gonna go see Bennett.

All he's gonna do is nag, nag, nag!

[playing piano]

It's one breath.

You know, I feel like...

I feel like I'm in such a great place right now.

I feel like I'm just in charge of my life.

And it's great 'cause I've let go of Jeremy, you know?

Wow. It's amazing.

It really is. I mean, hardly ever

do I stand outside his window anymore,

hoping I'll just bump into him.

Which is good.

I'm sorry. What were you saying?

The audition? NYU? Tomorrow?

Oh, yeah. Tough competition.

You're not concentrating. Listen to me.

The judge, Mohammed, hardly ever smiles.

Bad teeth. Hit by an oboe. Long story.

-I just don't want that to throw you, okay? -Okay.

Okay, how about we take the final passage once through.

One breath, okay?

You know, I feel really good about this, so I'm...

So I'm all set. I'll just see you tomorrow.

Okay. So, um, let me guess.

You're running off to Sabrina's.

You know, I swear that girl is a vampire.

What?

You ever see a picture of her? How about a reflection?

She got that little fangy thing.

[giggles] I'll see you later.

So, I'm standing there in the doorway,

and I'm like, "Yes! Of course I want to marry you!"

-And I go, "Yes." And he goes, "Yes what?" -Oh!

We kind of realized the romance was dead

when he started doing tricks with his penis.

-[laughter] -Guys, I once dated a guy

who had to talk to his penis during sex.

What did he say?

"Come on, Pepe. You can do it, Pepe."

-[whooping] -[all laughing]

-[speaking indistinctly] -Most of the time.

Pepe couldn't do it.

[all laughing]

[Claire] Marijuana doesn't work on me.

It just doesn't work on me.

-Oh, my God! I have to go home. -[woman laughing]

-No! No! -I have to go home! I do!

I have an audition tomorrow.

[panting]

[exhales]

I told them you were covering a class for me.

They just so happen to have a second round tomorrow.

Do you think you can make it?

[Claire] I'm not ready.

You're ready. The piece is beautiful.

I'm rusty. My hands are cold.

I have a... I have a cramp in my wrist.

I... I...

My hairstyle is old.

I haven't been practicing.

Really? I like your hair.

[both laughing]

Come on. You ready?

-Yeah. -Let's go.

[both laughing]

[gasps]

Oh, Holy Mother Mary.

[gasps]

I just don't know how comfortable I am

with this whole Christmas vibe thing.

-Come on, it's just-- -No, it's cool.

-Claire! -[Claire] Make me over, baby.

Head to toe.

[gasps] Jeremy's dating somebody.

Oh, girl, it is time to have some fun! Let's go!

[hip-hop music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

So, who do you want to dance with?

[both rapping]

So, who do you want to come up to us?

Um...

Those two over there are kind of cute.

At the table.

Okay.

[Claire] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, they're coming over.

What did you do?

Okay, whatever you do, do not leave my side, all right?

Okay.

-Okay, promise. -Uh-huh.

-Hey. -Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Do you want to dance?

Absolutely.

You know, my friend told me I wouldn't have a chance with you

since you remind us of that sexy new girl on Baywatch.

You know, the one with the pouty eyes and smoldering lips.

You know, that can do sign language underwater.

Um...

excuse me.

Oh, it's all right. You want to dance? No. Okay.

Okay. Okay. When you see somebody that you like,

you look at them, then you look away.

Then you wait five seconds, you look back

and you think... anything, okay?

Be like Mona.

Okay, so I look at them, I look away,

I look back at them...

-Be like Mona. -Like Mona, okay.

[rapping]

[thuds]

Is that a pretzel in her hair?

Claire, sweetheart, you have to eat something.

You cannot stay up all night and then not eat anything.

You're gonna wind up anorexic like Wilma Rizucchi.

She got so skinny, her mother wanted

to send her to Italy to fatten her up,

but she stayed in New York and she became a model.

True story. Bernie, bring me some dry toast.

Bernie? Bernie?

Bernie, what are you looking at?

Great-aunt Wanda. She had beautiful hair.

What is he talking about? Aunt Wanda's been dead for 12 years.

He's going out of his mind.

Oh, no. It's just a mid-life crisis.

My Maury, rest his soul, went through the same thing.

Every morning, he'd touch his bald spot

and relive the moment

that he sang with The Andrews Sisters.

Didn't touch me for six months.

Ma, that's too much information.

[Claire] Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you ever wonder whether Barry's the one?

You know? If you're doing the right thing?

No. Not really.

Well, once, maybe.

Early on, when we were, um, dating,

we were meeting some friends at that, uh... That gay bar on 12th,

and... [chuckles] the bartender knew what Barry drank

before he ordered.

Wh... What are you saying? You think that Barry's gay?

No. No, that he drinks.

I don't want to raise children in a house with alcohol,

so we, we talked it over and... and he agreed with me.

It's all about communication.

Now why do people complain about bridesmaids' dresses?

You look like a blooming wildflower of the desert.

-Right over here! Perfect! Perfect! -[buzzer sounds]

Oh, it's him! I can't believe you guys

are finally getting to meet Carl!

You're gonna love him. Come in!

Ah, I have this amazing ability to keep things separate.

It's like I can compartmentalize my men.

-[chuckles] -Compartmentalize?

So, like, Rudy's in the love compartment

and Carl's in the sex compartment?

Yes. Separate but equal.

How do I look?

-You look amazing. -Ah!

-[dance music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

Enchante,darling!

Hey, darling!

C'est si bon,darling. How's it going?

I feel ridiculous in this getup.

What? You look so hot!

-Really? -Mmm. Only the most wicked guy at the party

is looking at you right now.

-Where? -Three o'clock.

[Sabrina] Oh, my God. He's coming over.

You are running the show.

Have a chip.

Tonight you're Mona, baby.

[sighs] I'm Mona, baby.

-[man] Hi. -Hey.

How's the, uh, guacamole?

I've had better.

-[man] Big time! -[all cheering]

I'm not saying that "exogamy" isn't a word,

I'm just saying that you spelled it with a "J."

[clears throat] Fine. You...

Great. Your luck prevails.

Congratulations.

Okay. I get it.

Get what? What's there to get?

You're just angry because you're some genius

with an enormous IQ, and I'm just a cheerleader...

Whatever.

...who wins every game.

As if I take these games

as anything more than a minor amusement.

Arthur, I think that you and I both know

that we've been contemplating a lot more than Scrabble.

Uh, I don't...

I really... I don't... [laughs nervously]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[scoffs]

Idiot.

[all cheering]

He's gonna call.

Any minute now.

Let's just say...

I'm an equal opportunity employer.

What do you mean?

Women?

Occasionally.

For spice.

[Arthur] I had this other dream...

We're running towards each other

on this white sandy beach

and the kiss lasts for hours, man.

Then we break away and I open my eyes

and she's Gidget and I'm Stephen Hawking.

It'll never work, Sheldon.

She's a... a cheerleader.

The girl is a leader of cheers.

No, it'll totally work, man.

Just shut up and kiss her!

You want Goldfish?

Get away from me.

But have any of you ever had

two women on a tractor?

[Arthur] Tell me why again.

I don't think that I can compartmentalize.

-[sighs] -What does that mean?

-I have to break up with Rudy. -Hmm.

I think I love Carl.

Oh.

We are so great together.

What do men want? [sighs]

My girlfriend, Ashley, she's right over there

-at the poker table. -Mmm.

She is really into threeways.

We could use a back bedroom.

Uh...

I... [stutters]

I have no idea what Mona would do right now.

[Sheila] You did what?

You heard me, I quit my job.

Why do you make me repeat myself

over and over when you heard me the first time?

But, that's crazy.

I mean, you and Morty have been partners for 25 years.

You just go in there right now and call him.

I'm sure he'll take you back.

Sheila, I have to talk with you.

Now is as good a time as any.

What makes you think now is a good time?

The Harpers have influenza.

Half the guests are lactose-intolerant.

And on top of everything else,

I've got company coming for dinner tomorrow night.

Those freaking recipes aren't working.

And all I've got is a pot full of soggy kishkas.

So what's going on with you and Dad?

[sighs]

You know, when you were 11 years old,

you used to fall asleep at the piano.

The only person I've ever known that had that much passion

was Uncle Max Raymond.

He started in burlesque at the Minsky Theatre in Newark, New Jersey.

Went right all the way to Las Vegas.

Almost went on tour with Sammy Davis Jr., but he...

He drank too much, and he ended up an organ grinder on 43rd Street,

shot by a Jewish gangster. True story.

Why don't you just write down all these stories of yours somewhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't try to change the subject.

You know exactly what I'm saying.

You know what? I'm not going to become an organ grinder, okay?

-It's not going to happen. -Uh-huh.

I'm just having a little fun, that's all.

Yeah, yeah.

You do realize you're dressed like a hooker.

You know what?

This isn't a hooker outfit, this is a showgirl outfit.

There's actually quite a distinct difference.

Uh-huh.

[Claire] What do you mean you want to meet my family?

Just that, I wanna meet 'em.

-I want them to know me, love me, embrace me. -[laughs]

But my mom is experimenting with this food you can't chew.

My dad's obsessing over some dead aunt, and...

-[snorts] -My sister's gonna coordinate your socks

to match her wedding palette. Coral and bisque.

-[chuckling] -How's next Friday?

What? What's so wrong? I want 'em to know

that I'm not one of these guys at your parties.

Oh, come on. Give me your best pickup line.

-No. I'm not like that. -[laughs]

I mean, Nora, the last girl that I dated,

-we were like almost-- -I thought you said her name was Marla.

It is Marla.

It is Marla. Nora's the girl I just hired.

I'm sorry, I got, like, a Swiss cheese brain for, like, names and dates,

and it's like... [whooshes]

Marla's the last girl I dated, and...

-Yeah, well, we almost got married. -Hmm.

And my mom is yelling at me,

"She left you. Now you'll never get married.

You're gonna live and die alone,

like a lizard in the desert."

-[chuckling] -I was like, "Yeah."

Good old Mom. She was a cheerful woman.

Was?

Yeah.

-Yeah, she died last year. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Well, she kinda drove me nuts.

[chuckles] No.

I... I mean, I wish she was still around.

Then I'd bring you home for dinner.

I'd be like, "See, Ma, I can do something right."

[slow song playing]

Do you wanna walk through the park?

Yeah.

[music distorts]

[Claire] And then he touched my breasts.

I let another man touch my breasts.

What... What was I thinking? What am I doing?

You're moving on, Claire.

Oh, my God. That is exactly what I'm doing.

I'm moving on. That's it.

I mean... I mean, actually, I...

I hardly even think about that kiss anymore.

That kiss that's tattooed in my brain,

where Jeremy's shoving his tongue down her throat.

Claire, I've got a class to teach.

Bennett, please. I'm really sorry.

I screwed up big time.

I... I should've walked through that door.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was in shock. [stammering] That was really stupid.

I screwed up badly. I'm really sorry. Please?

Bibi's in town.

She's on the committee for the Liszt Competition,

and she asked about you.

[inhales] I'll know by 8:00 if I got you an audition.

-I'll let you know. -Thank you. Thank you.

But, Claire, this is the last rabbit I'm pulling out of the hat.

So, please don't screw it up.

So, Claire tells us you've been to Bosnia.

Yes, I was in the Peace Corps.

And that you never went to college,

you weep at operas, and that you own a chain of fish markets.

-Mmm-hmm. -Oh, my God.

Uh, we also have a fine selection of kosher meat.

Oh. You don't look Jewish.

You look Armenian.

[sighs wearily]

Thanks very much.

And I ran into Claire, and, uh,

she was standing there with these, uh,

-cute penguin slippers. -[both chuckle]

[telephone ringing]

I don't know, I was just, uh... charmed, I guess.

[Sheila] Hello? Oh, hi.

Bernie, it's Morty.

[whispering] Bernie.

Uh, he, uh...

He... He, um... Could he call you back?

He what?

He what?

It was one, maybe two cigarettes at the most,

and then, poof.

I didn't say anything

because you had enough on your head to worry about.

What, with the soggy kishkas, and the coral flowers, and the photographer,

and Claire, and the yoga.

Mostly, I forgot to mention it.

Are you actually going to sit there and tell me

that you walked around this house

simply forgetting to mention

that you burned down your office?

Well...

if you're still interested in Claire after tonight,

I do hope you come to my engagement party.

[Claire] I am so dreading this party.

My God, I swear the whole family's gone nuts.

-I talked to Eric last night. -Mmm-hmm.

He subtly slips in that a certain person

I haven't heard from in three years is in town.

Bo?

-[chuckling] -Oh, my God.

The phantom Bo who broke your heart.

Do I get to meet him?

Nah. My time's just... I ain't gonna call him.

Good, good. That is a good decision. Really.

Actually, I already tried every number I had, and none of 'em worked.

Gotta wait for him to call me.

He's gonna call you?

Are you just forgetting how things ended between you two?

We were headed for Paris, and he canceled.

He cleared out all his belongings

while you were out shopping for his socks.

Orthoped, arch-support socks, 20 bucks a pop.

All right, so I'm an idiot. What is the difference?

-I'm over the inconsiderate son of a bitch, anyway. -Yeah.

-Me, too. -Yeah.

God damn it, we're healthy.

[both laugh exultantly]

[slow rock song playing]

[Claire] What are you doing here?

And for my first number,

I would like to do a little song that I wrote...

-Just for you. -[chuckling]

♪ Oh, Claire

♪ You're so fair

♪ Spill your long hair down On me from ♪

[Claire chuckling]

♪ Way up there

♪ Oh, Claire

You are so sweet.

This was so sweet of you. I can't believe it.

-[chuckles] -Yeah?

Wanna hear another song?

I practiced "I Want to Hold Your Hand."

[soft rock music playing]

-[ukulele strums] -[exhales]

You look perfect.

Listen, I wanted to hang out with you.

I... In fact, I would love to just look at you

for the rest of my life.

But I gotta go meet a buddy across town.

But I'm gonna call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Wow.

[Claire] I think I'm falling in love with him.

[Sabrina crying] That's wonderful.

What's wrong?

The son of a bitch. It's the third time he's stood me up.

-[doorbell buzzes] -He's here.

Oh, if he brings me roses,

I'm going to shove 'em down his throat.

-[phone line disconnects] -[door slams]

You look perfect.

-Oh, she's gonna die. -[sighs]

Well, here she is, and doesn't she look nice.

Well, that's because a cloud has lifted.

I am finally, completely, 100% free of Jeremy.

The world is new again.

[both whispering]

What?

What's goin' on?

-Nothing. Nothing. -Well...

-Last night I heard at Bruno's that-- -And guess what else?

I threw out the window, Grandma Bitburg's cookbook.

And I'm going to reinvent all the recipes on my own

with my own unique vision. Isn't that great?

And look... Look what we're doing here, Claire.

We're making a tea-rose garland.

And later, we're gonna have some hot chocolate,

and then we're gonna decorate the whole house.

Won't that be fun?

Spill it.

It's just a rumor.

I overheard from Vanessa, who heard from Alexa, that... [inhales]

Jeremy and Sonia are engaged.

Why'd I say anything?

Oh, no. No.

I'm fine. I really am. I'm fine.

Like I said, I'm... I'm over Jeremy.

[chuckles] I, uh...

Cloud has lifted, and, uh... I'm free.

[operatic music playing]

Claire Goldstein.

What a sight. You look gorgeous.

How's your family?

My family? They are, uh, good. Yeah.

Um... my mother says hi.

Honey, I'm so sorry to hear about Jeremy.

Oh... No. [chuckles]

Oh, don't dwell on it. That's... That's okay. Yeah.

-So, Bibi, great to see you. -Bennett.

Bibi, you look fabulous, really.

I mean... I mean, the thing is

that a cloud has just lifted from me.

And I'm free.

I mean, I have the gift of perspective, so I understand

that these things happen sometimes.

I mean, what can you do about it?

I mean, one day you think you're getting married,

and then he ends up burping at you

while you're standing in the doorway covered with "Yes" signs.

And then, he won't even call you unless it's about his fucking shoe.

And then, ten weeks later, he's getting married to big-nose Bella Butski,

while my sister's getting married to this perfect little dentist,

and my father burned down his office,

while my mother won't even... She's a freak!

My mother's a freak, and, oh, my God! No!

No, I'm not over Jeremy!

[operatic music continues]

But enough about us. How've you been?

-Hey, cricket. -Give me that.

Oh, the audition didn't go well?

I was escorted out of the building.

What's going on? What's all this?

It's a love-in.

It's orgy night, baby. Third Thursday of the month.

[sensual music playing]

I'm not in an orgy mood. My reputation is gone.

I've burned every professional bridge.

The jig is up. Bennett's going to kill me.

[inhales] Why don't you take your shirt off, baby?

You think he's really gonna marry her?

Come on. Take off your shirt, babe.

Because if he is, he couldn't possibly have ever really loved me.

He couldn't have, if he's gonna marry another girl so fast.

Why don't you take your shirt off, baby?

You want my shirt? You really want my shirt?

-Okay, you know what? You can have my shirt. -All right.

I don't think she's in the mood for you right now.

[Bennett] Jesus, Claire.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.

-I'm so sorry about-- -Don't.

Just save it for somebody else, okay?

'Cause I just need to congratulate you

'cause you had us all fooled.

I really thought you knew what you wanted.

I thought you'd do anything.

Well, anything. I guess I was right about that.

She mentioned Jeremy, and I... I was not prepared--

To hell with Jeremy. I don't care about Jeremy.

How long are you gonna hide behind Jeremy?

It's not about Jeremy.

I would've done anything for you, Claire.

I'm through with you, okay?

That's it.

Why don't you take your pants off, baby?

[Barry] Oh, the house has five walk-in closets.

-Yeah. Four for Jenine, one for me. -No, stop.

-Excuse us for one second. -[chuckles]

Honey, I want to... I want to talk to you about something.

-Now, let's say we go with the peach tablecloths, right? -Mmm-hmm.

-We add the soft heather as an accent... -Yeah.

The multi-colored hydrangea just might work.

-Oh, I hadn't thought of that. -See?

Oh. Oh, it is all going so well.

-They're eating everything. -[giggles]

-Connie, honey. -Claire.

Oh. Oh, whatever.

Anyway, now that I got to really look at you...

You never really did grow breasts, did you?

-[woman] Oh, Velva. -What did I say that was wrong?

-It's the truth. -Honey, really?

-It's a mushroom. -[chuckles] I don't think so, man.

No, trust me on this one.

Look. Hey, don't stress.

-I'll hook you up. I got-- -Look, don't...

Oh. Your coat smells like a dead horse.

Go put it upstairs, or burn it, or somethin'.

Honey, at my age, I'll take the soup.

-[all laughing] -[knocking at door]

I'll get it.

[accordion playing]

Oh, wow. Somebody sure loves pink.

Coral.

They call it coral.

You really hurt her, you know?

As if you've been anything but a fog on her brain.

Oh, please. I've been nothing but a breath of fresh air

for that girl.

She was so locked up, she needed a key just to take a piss.

You know, you have no idea what you're talking about.

You have no idea of the chances she had.

[doorbell rings]

Hey. Oh, thank you.

-You look perfect. -Aw. [chuckles]

-[chuckles nervously] -I love this suit. Wow, look at you.

-Oh, yeah. You, too. -[chuckles]

[exhales]

Hi!

-Hi. Hello. -I'm Velva.

You know, I buy salmon in your store every other Thursday.

-Oh, good, good. -Sometimes it's a little dry.

Is there a bathroom upstairs?

-Yeah. -I have to use the facilities.

I'll be right back.

-I'll see you later. -Oh, yes, you will.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

-Okay, now don't drink too much champagne. -All right. All right.

-It makes you gassy. -Go, go, go.

-Hey, Claire. -Hey.

Claire, look.

I've known you a really long time.

I know how rare your talent is.

But I'd be the first one to admit that it's not easy.

Not everyone's cut out for it.

You're saying I'm not cut out for it?

I've been busting my ass for this since I was seven years old.

Fine.

You know that.

What I know is it gets really tiring hearing about your potential.

Sooner or later, you gotta deliver the goods.

But you'd rather be off playing Sabrina's drunken orgy girl

than starting a career.

Is that what I'd rather be doing?

Maybe you should start taking a little responsibility for your own life

-and stop telling me what's best for mine. -Me?

-Yeah. -[scoffs] Fine. Just fine.

You know, at least I am trying.

At least I'm not stupid enough to throw away my own dreams

and then hide behind one of my students.

Oh, well, isn't that sweet. Well, thank you very much.

But how the hell could anyone

hide behind a misguided 23-year-old

who can't even get through an audition?

Well, I think that calls for a cocktail.

Claire, would you just be the best maid of honor

and model the dress for Alexa?

It's just impossible to describe

that rose-lined v-scoop neck, you know, without it on.

Don't forget the headpiece.

What's wrong with her?

Oh, what's not wrong with her?

I'm not cut out for it.

Oh, this is good. I've become one of those soap opera characters

that talks to themselves all the time.

[sighs]

[accordion continues playing]

Oh!

[Barry chuckles]

-Uh, Bennett. -Bo. [chuckles]

Hey.

"Congratulations, Jenine and Barry."

-Oh, my God. -I'm...

Uh, no. Alice, you don't put the horseradish

directly on the gefilte fish.

[scoffs] Yes, you do. It's a garnish.

Yes, which means to, uh, accompany,

to enhance the natural flavor of the fish, not to smother.

You obviously know very little about Jewish food.

So...

where's that husband of yours?

-Excuse me. -Mmm-hmm.

I was about to put on my suit.

You're smoking?

You haven't smoked for 20 years.

Honey, what are you doing?

What's going on with you?

We've got a house full of people.

Christ! Claire?

Claire?

Jenine?

-You and Jenine? -I don't... Shh.

Just keep your voice down.

Okay? Please. Please.

I was gonna call you.

Hang on. Just hang on.

-Did I say something wrong? -Forget it.

No point in talkin' about what's really up your craw.

You wanna know what's really up my craw?

Yeah.

Yeah, lay it on me.

-Look at you. -[chuckles]

You cut your hair.

You haven't used the name Barry in years.

You know, "Bo..."

It's not very fitting for a dental practice.

You know, uh...

you look good.

You know, uh, I took up racquetball.

-I think I've been visited. -Visited?

By whom?

The spirits.

Oh, good. Oh, this is constructive.

Will you please just get dressed

and put on some clothes and come downstairs?

Oh, never mind. I didn't want to talk about it anyway.

[Sabrina] She thinks that you own this chain of fish markets.

[chuckles]

Technically, my brother's the owner.

I'm a sales rep for Nieman Marcus.

Oh, so you're not even a lawyer.

Carl? Eddie?

No.

What the hell is your name, anyway?

Ben.

[indistinct chatter]

It would be so much easier to talk to you if you just stop smiling at me.

What do you want me to do, Arthur?

You want me to walk around, sulking? Would that make you happy?

Yes, at least that would be honest.

Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone is depressed?

I think that not everyone admits that they're depressed.

[upbeat music playing]

Ow! Ow!

Ow.

But a couple of weeks ago, I had a minor heart problem.

A heart problem?

I was at Morty's, he took me to the doctor's,

but everything was okay, so they sent me home.

Anyway, I was driving home, and all of a sudden

-I couldn't breathe. -Oh, God.

I had a little heart attack.

-Oh, my God... -Let me finish.

-Is it a heart problem? -Let me finish.

So, I was having a problem breathing, and I pulled the car over

and I laid down in the back seat.

And that's when I started to see this

white hot indigo light.

I saw this winding path,

and at the end, the face of Aunt Wanda.

My God! That is exactly what happened to Shirley MacLaine.

I want you to know that I thought about you a lot.

You should have called.

Bo, why are you doing this?

You know why.

People don't go to gay dentists,

and mothers don't go to gay weddings.

[door opens]

Oh...

Honey... hi. Hi.

Um...

Did you know that Bennett and I know each other?

[all singing "Hava Nagila"]

You live in a sad world, Arthur Capp.

And I suppose your world is just so much more fulfilling

with all that "ra-ra" shake my boobs, "Go, Raiders, go" bullshit?

I'll have you know that as a Raiderette,

I choreograph, practice, and prepare gymnastics routines

-from eight to ten hours a day... -[thud]

...which is more than I can say for jerking off in the storage room,

and then crying myself to sleep with Camus every night.

I don't read Camus...

every night.

[Alice moaning loudly]

-[cutlery clattering] -[muffled] Arthur!

[singing continues]

I'm gonna tell her what scum she's been dating.

Look. Okay, wait, I know that I don't have the right to ask you for anything,

but for Claire, okay?

I mean, you don't want her to be...

humiliated in front of her whole family.

Right?

Okay, honey, just think about this. It's not what it looks like, okay?

It's...

We've been friends for a long time...

My party's ruined.

-You ruined my party. -[stutters]

You saw the white light, right?

And then you left your body, and you saw some dead relatives?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a classic out-of-body experience.

I just wanted to tell you that you're really special to me, okay?

You're really...

You're so special to me.

Your hands aren't that great.

-[thud] -[groans]

What was that?

I will give you one day with Claire to break it off,

and if you're not out of our lives in two days,

first I will tell her everything,

then I will bite off what's left of your penis.

[groaning]

[coughing]

[gasps]

What happened to her?

She used to be such a nice girl.

[exhales]

Thank you.

We Goldsteins certainly know how to give a party, huh?

I was remembering this day,

you were seven years old.

It was your second competition,

and Mom bought you this very shiny,

-slippery pair of shoes. -Oh, yeah.

The brand-new black patent leather with the big silver bows?

And as you walked on the stage toward the piano,

you fell splat right on your back,

and the whole audience gasped.

The other kids giggled, and Mom was about to run on stage

and take you home, and you...

very calmly

picked yourself up,

took a breath, walked to the piano,

and played so beautifully.

Like an angel.

And you won first prize.

Later on, we were sitting right here, sipping cocoa,

and we talked about what it felt like to fall splat on your back

in front of the whole audience. And you know what you said?

You said, "Yes.

But something really great happened

right after splat."

[Claire playing the piano]

[Bernie] Should we keep the rest of the cake?

[Sheila] You know, why don't you wrap it and put it in the fridge?

The dishes.

Oh, nobody ate the mushrooms.

Oh, is it good?

Mmm.

It tastes a little strange. Here, try some.

Do you realize we've been staring at this tablecloth for a very long time?

Yeah.

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying I never knew this was so interesting.

[echoing]

My teeth are sweating.

I'm definitely seeing things.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Look at this.

Bernie, there's a giant can opener in the ceiling.

I better get a bucket.

A bucket from Nantucket?

Nantucket...

[distorted echoing]

I love saying that word.

Manny.

-The hair. -Sabrina's druggie friend.

We gotta get our stomachs pumped.

-Please, let's go get our stomachs pumped. -No, no. No, Sheila...

Sheila, we never went to Egypt,

we never drank water in Mexico,

we never burnt our bras, we never protested Vietnam.

We never even went to see The Rolling Stones

because we were afraid to go into a bad neighborhood.

Oh, he...

he must have...

-The mushrooms. -...he must have...

I say we enjoy it.

[snickers]

Outta all the gin joints in the world, you had to pick this one.

You going somewhere?

Well, how's this for romantic?

A midnight plane to Marseille.

-[thuds] -[chuckles]

[both chuckle]

Oh, I can't believe I wasted the last three years kicking myself...

[sighs] wondering what I did wrong with Bo.

[chuckles]

Marrying your sister...

is punishment enough, don't you think?

[both laughing]

They're moving and I'm moving with them,

-but where am I going? -[Sheila laughing]

Sit down... [laughing]

I love this floor.

[Sheila talking incoherently]

[talking incoherently]

I feel just like Fred Astaire, so light and airy.

Oh, Bernie, look. Look, there's a fish in the carpet.

Oi. One fish, two fish, red fish...

-Red fish? [laughing] -Gefilte fish.

-There is one thing I have to ask you. -What?

Why did you lie?

About the Tchaikovsky Competition.

Honey, you left the letter on your mirror.

I read it at the party.

You got it!

Why'd you lie?

[Claire sighs]

[snickers] I don't know.

Jeremy didn't get in.

No one did. I guess I...

I guess I was afraid that I couldn't pull it off.

You know, I once heard someone say...

"When you dim your light so someone else can shine,

the whole world gets darker."

I'm gonna miss you.

[Bennett patting] Okay.

It's not too late.

The semi-finals are this Friday.

[piano music]

[Bernie] Remember our wedding?

[Sheila] Your father came up to me and he said,

"You look like a shiksa."

Because your hair was so red.

I even remember how you wore it.

You had it up, and to the side.

Bernie...

tell me what the doctor said.

Tell me the truth.

Did I tell you I burnt the office down?

Bernie...

what did he say?

Oh, I've been so busy worrying about the florist and the caterers, and...

Claire, and the soggy kishkas,

I didn't once notice what was happening with you.

I couldn't live without you. I really couldn't, Bernie.

Remember how Grandpa Alvie left Grandma Bitburg

with three kids to raise and a butcher shop to run?

Oh.

She said, "A woman's life is like a plate of spaghetti.

A man, he's just a meatball.

Does a meatball make a spaghetti taste better?

Yeah.

Do you need the meatball?

No."

That is such a stupid story.

I'm nothing without you.

Sheila, you and I both know

you're a whole world all by yourself.

Oh, I don't know.

It's a beautiful night.

Wanna look at the stars?

And then we could maybe make love...

outside.

Like we used to.

Yes.

[whispers] Yes.

[Claire] The possibility of failure in the world of a classical musician

is so much higher than in any other field.

And if I did fail, I have no idea in the world what I would do.

[Sabrina chuckles]

Claire, you've been playing piano since you were five years old.

Glued to the bench. I...

I remember, you would play when things were good,

you'd play when things were bad.

-I don't think not playing is an option for you. -[chuckles]

Yeah, but I've always had everyone around me.

I don't know if I could do it, you know, all by myself.

Leap...

the net will follow.

[both chuckle]

Okay, Manny.

Have some more.

He's a freak. Where did you find him?

He doesn't count as a guy, does he?

Hey.

-Hey. -Hello.

Wow, you look perfect.

How do you... I love the way your hair curls up

into your face like that.

Listen, there's something I have to talk to you about.

Oh.

I think you're wonderful, and I really like you a lot,

but I feel like I really rushed into this.

It's just that there are some things I have to do by myself right now.

And so I can't let our relationship go any further.

You can't?

[sighs]

[sighs]

So, uh...

what are these things you gotta do?

I have to find out what's after splat.

[Jenine] Morning.

Hey.

-Everything all right? -Sure. Why not?

We finally decided on rose blush for the canopy.

And last night, total epiphany.

Really?

Barry came round to the idea of ice sculptures.

[chuckles] Oh, I have to call Juan Carlos.

He's the only one who can create a flurry of doves out of a block of ice.

[music playing faintly]

Do you hear that? Is that music?

Where's that coming from?

[Ida] Oy!

-Grandma? -[stammering] Your...

your mother... [stammering]

Oy!

[music grows more distinct]

[Claire] What?

[chuckling] What?

What the...

Oh, my God.

[music continues playing]

Why don't you just shoot me now?

My big day, not two months away,

and our parents have completely lost it.

[airplane engine roaring]

[traffic noise]

[piano music]

Claire Goldstein?

You're next.

This way.

-Good luck. -Thanks.

[exhales]

[upbeat pop music playing]

[jaunty music playing]

[gentle piano music]