Original subtitles

Dwight: Previously on Dwight in Shining Armor.

Brodogg: So, big brother,

you were the greatest magician in the kingdom,

and now...

you have pretzels in your beard.

- Hm, oh.

Contrarian: Your memory was stolen from you.

- Stolen?

Dwight: A memory thief?

- I have never heard of such a thing.

- You know what we need?

A bat signal.

- Ah-ha, like this one.

- I'll think of something.

[knocking]

Baldric: [sighs]

[knocking]

Coming.

[insistent knocking]

Keep your hose on!

[crickets chirping]

- What the schmickens?

[explosive poof]

Baldric: Ah!

[coughing]

Baldric: Brodogg!

Brodogg: Baldric!

Baldric: Ha!

- What kind of place is this?

Baldric: Well...

Brodogg: Some kind of shabby furniture storehouse.

Baldric: This is my home, Brodogg.

Uh, temporarily.

We have plans to build a grand, new castle.

That'll take a century or more, and generations of peasants.

Brodogg: Fine, fine.

Brother, I am here to learn.

- You are?

Brodogg: One cannot live the life

of a famous and adored magician forever.

Baldric: One cannot?

Brodogg: One yearns for more.

- One yearns?

Brodogg: For purpose and meaning and joy.

- Oh.

Brodogg: Like you have found.

Baldric: I have.

Yeah.

- I want to be a court magician like you.

- [scoffs]

Brodogg: I could see myself caring for a small human.

Baldric: [chuckles]

You, you mean a child.

Brodogg: The way you care for your small human.

Baldric: You mean the princess?

Brodogg: I think I'll be amazing at it.

Baldric: Now, Brodogg.

It's not as easy as I make it look.

[baby crying]

Brodogg: How old is that princess of yours?

[baby crying]

- How many princesses do you have back there?

[baby crying]

Gretta: Ugh.

This is a nightmare.

Dwight: This is half your grade in Family Life so suck it up.

[baby cries]

- [groans]

Dwight: Oh, come on, Gretta.

You've faced off

against ogres, and trolls, and goblin orc-beasts.

You can handle two days with a fake baby.

[screaming cry]

- Uchh.

Dwight: Okay, so about a thousand years ago

there was this princess, Gretta, and she was in big trouble,

because she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Ah!

Instead,

[kiss]

they got me.

♪

Ah!

♪

Ow!

♪

♪

[baby crying]

- [gagging]

Dwight: Look, here it is, Gretta.

If your baby cries

it needs to be rocked, burped, fed, or changed.

- But which one?

- Well, you have to figure it out.

[baby crying]

- Uchh.

Obnoxious infant effigy.

Dwight: All right, Noah, it's okay.

Daddy's got ya.

Noah: [burps]

- Ope.

There you go, buddy.

[chuckles]

Okay,

I gotta get Noah home.

He's on [baby talk] a very strict sleep schedule.

[Gretta's baby crying]

Baldric: Ah, Highness,

how fares little Prince Engelgrass?

- Engelgrass?

Gretta: Yes,

[sighs happily]

'Tis my favorite name.

One day I shall give it to my first-born son.

- 'Kay.

[baby crying]

Gretta: Shhh.

- Here, uh,

bring baby Engelgrass close to your body.

Baldric: Ah.

Dwight: Now, rock.

[baby crying]

Gretta: There, there Engelgrass.

Baldric: Oh.

[baby stops crying]

- [sighs happily]

Baldric: [quietly] Ho, ho.

Dwight: [clears throat]

[explosive poof]

Dwight: Ah!

Engelgrass: [cries]

- Highness, Sir Dwight,

allow me to present my brother...

Gretta: Oh.

Baldric: Brodogg.

- [clears throat]

- [disgusted] Oh.

Brodogg the Astonishing.

Dwight: Oh, I've heard a lot about ya.

Gretta: Everyone has, Sir Dwight.

Baldric: No, they haven't.

Brodogg: Brodogg the Astonishing is famed throughout the realm.

- Oh.

[poof]

Gretta: [gasp]

Oh!

Hm, oh!

[giggles]

Brodogg: I will now be called Brodogg the Apprentice.

I am here to learn at Baldric's feet the trade

of court magician.

[thump]

Baldric: Ugh.

No, Brodogg,

I don't know about that.

Brodogg: You don't know?

Baldric: I don't--

Brodogg: You don't know.

Well.

[laughing]

I love you so much!

You're the best!

Baldric: He loves me.

[forced laugh]

[phone vibration]

Dwight: Oh.

Baldric: Ow.

Dwight: Hey Nana!

- Hey, Gummy Bear.

How's my little Noah?

Dwight: Oh, well, look at him in his widdle carriage.

Snug like a bug in a rug.

Nana: Well, you two hurry home for Noah's story time.

I found your favorite beddy-bye book I used to read.

Do you remember?

Little Fred Never Wets--

- Okay, on my way!

[beep]

Uh, let's go Noah.

Engelgrass: [cries]

Gretta: Oh, but--

Dwight: Oh, try a burp, a bottle, or a diaper change.

Baldric: Any moment now,

the court magician must time the Pop Tart just so,

it is an art not a science.

A moment too soon

and the inside will lack proper gooeyness,

a moment too long,

and the delicious outside will melt off.

[clang]

Now!

Breakfast is served Highness!

Gretta: [weary sigh]

- Ah, Highness.

Oh.

What, what is amiss?

- I have done nothing

but feed, burp, change and rock this little blister

from sundown to sunup.

- Oh dear.

- Pop Tart?

Hmm?

- Oh!

Thank you!

Oh, you are most--

[clank]

[baby cries]

Baldric: Oh no.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Sh, sh, sh.

Oh dear.

Gretta: Mm, mm,

[muffled] thank you.

Mm, mm-hm.

Mm, hm-hm.

Baldric: Ah.

- Mm.

We are off to peasant school, Baldric.

Please make sure to restock our supply

of mint chip ice cream before our return.

Baldric: Without fail, Highness.

Gretta: Get!

Baldric: The court magician must be always on the alert.

Princess Gretta has hordes of enemies, Brodogg.

And they take many, many forms.

[sniffs]

What is that?

Brodogg: A squirrel.

Baldric: [scoffs]

More likely a goblin, or, oh, no, 'tis a squirrel.

But look at the size of it.

What a set of teeth!

Make a note of that squirrel, Brodogg.

Hmm.

And why is Mr. Rainitz watering his roses

at this early hour.

Hm?

Make a note, Brodogg.

Most strange.

The court magician must maintain order

and cleanliness befitting the home of a princess.

The Swiffer is your ally in this cause.

Brodogg: Let me have a turn.

[smack]

- You are not yet ready.

The court magician must fend off invaders both large and small.

Hm.

[singing to himself]

[thump]

Baldric: Hand me that bushel of tater tots, brother.

Ah.

- Look at these absurdly small carrots.

- Carrot sticks.

Brodogg: You surprise me, Baldric.

- These are for Sir Dwight.

The boy is obsessed with carrot sticks.

Brodogg: When we were young,

you were never without a magic book in your hands.

- Hm.

Brodogg: Always learning new spells.

- Hm.

Brodogg: Don't tell me you've given all that up.

- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

I squeeze it in when I can.

- Well, how about right now?

You and I perusing our old magic books together.

Just like our school days.

- [chuckles] Oh, ho.

What days those were.

Brodogg: Oh, yeah.

Baldric: [stammering]

We have more important work at hand.

The court magician must personally oversee

the food served at the princess's table.

I recommend a balanced diet

of turnips, tater tots, honey buns, and pizza.

And in a time of crisis,

mint chip ice cream is supremely beneficial.

Brodogg: You work too hard, brother.

Baldric: Ah.

Brodogg: Don't you deserve a break?

With a good book?

- As soon as the frozens are in the ice box.

[sigh]

And here are a few I bought from Mandelbrand the Marvelous

when he retired.

- Oh, he was a crusty old bunion.

Baldric: He certainly was.

He taught me everything I know

about properly punctuating incantations.

- Bet that comes in handy.

- Mm.

Brodogg: Is this all your books?

Baldric: [scoffs]

All my books?

I haven't even gotten to the attic yet.

- Hm.

Baldric: Oh.

Look at this.

Irregular verbs in mage script.

[chuckles]

Juicy.

[chuckles]

[door opens]

Baldric: [loudly] Ah Highness!

Dwight and Gretta: Shhhh!

Both: [sigh]

Dwight: There.

We're getting the hang of this.

[babies cry]

Dwight: Oh, no, no, no.

Don't cry, Noah.

Gretta: [groans]

Dwight: Hey, I'm here.

Here buddy, you want a bottle?

[thump]

Gretta: Baldric.

[thump, thump]

Baldric: Quickly, Brodogg.

The mint chip!

[baby crying]

Gretta: ♪ and they all ate him up, yum, yum, yum, ♪

♪ and who was no more, no more. ♪

♪ And they all ate him up, yum, yum, ♪

[whispers] yum.

[silence]

- [whispers] Sh.

Oh.

Oh.

♪

[crickets]

[papers rustling and ripping]

[ominous music]

♪

♪

[pop music]

Singers: ♪ I'm runnin' like a nosebleed. ♪

♪ So stick 'em up, spread 'em out, like a rollie. ♪

♪ Hey, show me love, like you know me. ♪

♪ I'mma make 'em whoop, whoop ♪

[loud ding]

♪ like the police. ♪

[grunting]

Hm?

[intense music]

- Gretta?

You okay?

Gretta: Ah, there you are.

Dwight: Hey.

Gretta: You received my bat.

Dwight: What's the emergency?

[baby crying]

- Oh.

Dwight: Whoa, who's that?

Gretta: My nursemaid.

She is a miracle worker.

[small laugh]

[Engelgrass burps]

Dwight: That's cheating!

Gretta: Engelgrass is in capable hands, Sir Dwight.

Meanwhile, we have a crisis.

- What crisis?

- Brodogg.

While I was up with Engelgrass in the night,

I saw Brodogg, there at the table,

ripping pages out of Baldric's magic books

and stealing them.

- Well, why would he do that?

- Exactly what we must find out.

- How?

Gretta: First, we capture him.

Dwight: 'Kay.

- Then, we interrogate him.

- Uh.

- [gasps]

I'll get the pokers.

Dwight: Absolutely not.

[Noah cries]

- [disgusted] Oh.

Dwight: I know, Noah.

Time for a dipie change.

Let's get you a new clean set of pants.

[door opens]

[explosion]

Dwight: Ah!

[blowing wind]

[baby crying]

Brodogg: Who wants donuts?

Dwight: Noah!

- [growls]

Brodogg: Chocolate?

[thump]

[thunk]

- Ha.

Dwight: [cry of distress]

Baldric: No nuts!

Dwight: Noah!

Noah!

Noah: Welcome to real baby.

- You re-booted Noah!

- A thousand pardons.

Baldric: Highness, what the blazes?

- Your brother is a traitor and a thief.

See here.

Hm.

A Spell to Cause Your Enemy to Fall in a Pool of Pudding.

- Hm.

Baldric: A Spell to Avoid Falling in a Pool of Pudding.

Spell to Dig a Swimming Pool without Shovels.

- Ooo.

Baldric: A Spell to Rig a Betting Pool.

We must find out why he is here.

And what he knows.

Noah: You're in for a real baby adventure.

Dwight: Hm.

[ominous music]

Brodogg: Ah.

There you are fellows.

And here I am.

Tied to this chair.

Gretta: Where you shall remain until we get answers.

- Answers?

Dwight: Let's show some hustle, okay?

Tardy bell rings in 20 minutes.

Gretta: Why are you here?

[metal ringing]

- Careful, Highness.

Even tied to a chair, he is a powerful magician--

- Who is about to lose an eye.

Dwight: Hey.

- All right!

I'll talk.

Dwight: Hm.

Just don't hurt the face.

Gretta: Uchh.

- Pardon?

Gretta: What are you?

Brodogg: I'M A FRAUD!!

A cheap, carnival trickster.

[baby crying]

Dwight: Daddy's coming, Noah.

Brodogg: Ten years of magician school,

I never learned a single spell.

Dwight: Uh-oh, do you have stinky pants?

Is that the problem?

Baldric: But I saw you pull a rabbit out of a hat?

Sleight of hand.

Baldric: And,

cut a woman in half and put her back together.

- Mirrors.

Baldric: And vanish in a cloud of vapor.

- Trap door.

- So, it was all...

- Tricks!

Flim-flam!

Skullduggery!

[baby cries]

Gretta: [sighs]

[snaps fingers]

Nursemaid!

[Engelgrass cries]

Dwight: Nope, sorry nursemaid.

- Wha--

Dwight: I'm sure you're super qualified

and a lovely human being,

but Engelgrass needs [yells] his mother!!

[baby cries]

Dwight: Oh, wait.

[jingling]

Dwight: Here's for your trouble.

- Uchh.

[slam]

Baldric: Why Brodogg?

It doesn't make any sense.

Brodogg: You have no idea what it was like

being your younger brother.

Oh look!

There goes Baldric,

the best magician in the history of history.

Baldric knows a spell that can make us all fly.

Baldric knows a spell that can turn that dragon

into a snail.

Baldric!

Baldric!

Baldric!

Baldric: What about your scars?

This one,

from your scrape with the Necromancers of Nifflia?

- It was a shaving accident.

Dwight: You shave your biceps?

Baldric: And this one?

From your bout with the bad-tempered beetle beast?

- Scratched by a feral chicken.

Baldric: Don't tell me your snapping dragon scar?

- Fell off a barstool.

- BARSTOOL!

[babies cry]

Dwight: [stammering]

Gretta: [sigh]

Baldric: [quietly] A thousand pardons.

[babies cry]

You are a liar and a fraud and a sham.

- YES!

[babies crying]

Dwight and Gretta: Shhh!

- I can't do real magic like you.

But, I'm pretty good at tricks.

Then look at me, I'm so handsome.

- [grunts]

Dwight: That doesn't explain what you're doing here.

Gretta: And why you were ripping pages

from Baldric's books.

Baldric: What were you looking for, Brodogg?

Brodogg: I am just the agent, the go-between, the--

- Hired thief?

- Yes.

Baldric: Who hired you?

- I don't know his name.

Or his face or anything about the man,

except he wore a signet ring of the House of Moondragon.

[ominous chord]

Dwight: So, this guy with the Moondragon ring,

hired you to rip up Baldric's books?

Brodogg: No.

To find instructions for building something

called a scrying pool.

Gretta: What is a scrying pool?

- I have no idea.

- It is sheer madness,

and senseless folly for you Brodogg.

You may search my books for a thousand years

and you will never learn how to build a scrying pool,

because it simply cannot be done.

And so you may tell your man with the Moondragon ring.

Gretta: After we've thoroughly flogged you

with hot pokers.

Dwight: She's kidding.

We are never going to do that.

[ringtone]

Oh.

Gotta go.

We can still make first period if we jog.

Gretta: Sir Dwight, this matter is much more important

than peasant school.

Dwight: Well, but we're turning in our babies today.

- Tallyho!

Dwight: Oh.

[ominous music]

Brodogg: Baldric.

I know you're angry,

and you have every right to be,

but--

[slice]

[thunk]

- You're not angry?

- Of course, I'm angry, you dolt.

- Sorry, brother.

Baldric: Brother, you are better than this.

Brodogg: He offered me a thousand crowns.

I have a certain lifestyle to maintain.

And it isn't cheap.

- Oh, Brodogg.

What a mess you have landed in.

When are you to meet the man with the Moondragon ring?

- Tonight.

Baldric: Good.

I'm coming with you.

Gretta: Mm.

Do you hear that?

Dwight: What?

Gretta: Nothing.

Dwight: [small laugh]

Hey, Baldric!

Want some ice cream?

- Later Sir Dwight.

- I should go with you, Baldric.

We have no idea how dangerous this man

with the Moondragon ring might be.

Baldric: Exactly why you are to stay here.

- But, why can't I?

Baldric: It is my duty to keep you safe, Highness.

- But--

Dwight: [gently] Gretta.

Baldric's right.

He's just being a good dad.

Which turns out is really hard and absolutely exhausting.

Gretta: Two days with Engelgrass nearly undid me.

Dwight: And Engelgrass was made of plastic.

Gretta: I do not believe

I could do what you have done, Baldric.

All these years.

- Oh.

Princess.

One day you will love a child

and nothing else in this world will matter.

[explosive poof] Dwight: Ah!

Brodogg: Let's away, brother!

Gretta: Know this before you go.

If you do not return Baldric to me unscathed

before sunrise,

I shall proclaim the truth about you

throughout the entire realm,

and you shall henceforth and forever be known

as Brodogg the Brazen Bogus Flim-flammer.

Dwight: Or something like that.

Maybe something a little punchier,

that's kind of a mouthful.

Brodogg: We shall return before sunrise, Highness.

You have my word.

♪

[crickets chirping]

Dwight: So, what do we know about this guy?

- He wants to build a scrying pool.

Dwight: Which is what exactly?

Gretta: Whatever it is, it frightens Baldric.

Dwight: Hm.

So, what else do we know?

Gretta: The man wears a signet ring

of the House of Moondragon.

- 'Kay, so I'm guessing that's a special thing?

Gretta: There is only one such ring, Sir Dwight.

It belonged to my father.

Men: ♪ ...underground ♪

♪ the rats and spiders run around. ♪

♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪

[explosive poof]

[laughing]

Baldric: I love that trick.

Brodogg: [indistinct]

Gretta: Baldric!

[slam]

Dwight: How'd it go?

Baldric: What an evening!

We ate every pretzel in the tavern.

Dwight: What about the guy?

Gretta: Did you find him?

- Hm?

- The man with the Moondragon ring.

Baldric: Did we see anyone with a Moondragon ring?

Brodogg: Not that I recall.

- But that was the whole reason you guys left.

Gretta: He offered you a thousand crowns.

You stole Baldric's spells.

Dwight: You don't remember?

Baldric: Wha?

Dwight: Give us just two seconds.

Baldric: Oh, certainly.

[laughing]

Dwight: Okay, this is freaky, right?

Gretta: Most.

Dwight: We're both thinking it, so I'm just going to say it.

It seems like both of their memories have been,

uh...

Gretta: Stolen.

[brothers laughing]

♪

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