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Phone rings
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00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:08,679
'dear diary:
3
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,399
'Well, here we go. In two days' time,
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,119
'globelink news will cease to exist.
5
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,919
'Everyone is handling
it very differently.
6
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,039
'Damien has responded to
the fear of redundancy
7
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,960
'by going on a solo
expedition into the Amazon.
8
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,999
'Poor Gus is more in denial than ever,
9
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,400
'especially since last week's fire.
10
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,279
'He has forbidden all mention
of sir roysten's name
11
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,359
'in connection with the mystery blaze.
12
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,719
'And as for me, well...
13
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:46,079
'There's been an
unfortunate development.'
14
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,799
what "unfortunate development"?
Excuse me!
15
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,759
On Thursday, you're flying to Australia
16
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,799
to start a wonderful new life with sue.
17
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,279
This is no time for
unfortunate development.
18
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,199
Yes, I know, but, well...
19
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,199
Margaret's been taken ill.
20
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:02,839
She's had a minor heart attack.
How very convenient.
21
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,999
Helen, she couldn't
make a heart attack.
22
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,319
Oh, come off it, George.
23
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,519
Women fake orgasms every
day of their lives.
24
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,799
A heart attack's a doddle.
She is really very poorly.
25
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,959
Slowly: She is no longer your wife.
26
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,279
Yeah, I know.
27
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,079
Oh, will someone please
talk some sense into him?
28
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,279
It's perfectly simple, George.
29
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,999
Over here, you have Susan, my niece,
30
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:28,320
a wonderful woman who thinks all
your orifices are solar-powered.
31
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:33,919
Now, over here, we have your
former ball and chain, Margaret,
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00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,959
a crab apple on legs. A woman
who has always treated you
33
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,639
like a cross between a
doormat and a toilet roll.
34
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:44,400
Now, if that's a dilemma, I'm
the pope's left bollock.
35
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,319
Well, not exactly how I would have
put it, but, basically, he's right.
36
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,959
Isn't he, Dave? Well, I hardly
think Henry is in a position
37
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,959
to lecture other people about the
choices they should be making.
38
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,119
What are you talking about?
39
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,479
I'm talking about a man who
has frequently pontificated
40
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,759
about moral standards in broadcasting,
41
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,919
and who is now appearing as
Wes Jasper's idiot stooge,
42
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:13,319
in a show where naked fat women
attempt to play god save the queen
43
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,079
on a Hammond organ...
With their buttocks.
44
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,519
Oh, that's right, you take
the moral high ground.
45
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,719
You, who until last
week, were the gofer
46
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,919
for the biggest race fixer in England.
47
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,479
All right, you two... well,
unlike some, I got out.
48
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,639
At least I'm not still
being jerked around
49
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,559
by some exploitative little shit.
50
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,399
Oh, but you will be,
51
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:35,120
because you basically are
as weak as vegetarian piss.
52
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,639
You were born to be bookie fodder.
Just look at yourself, man!
53
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:42,399
You've no flat, no job, no future!
54
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,080
You're Dave charnley -
professional nothing.
55
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,040
We think that was very
rude and uncalled for.
56
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,200
And obviously not true.
57
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:00,800
Gus?
58
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,039
I thought you'd like to see these.
59
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,199
Our last set of viewing figures. We
experienced an upturn last week.
60
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,639
Really? Yes.
61
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:14,999
0.0000017%.
62
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,839
We're turning the corner, George.
Just as I predicted.
63
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,079
Chuckles
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00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,559
that fire wasn't started
deliberately, you know.
65
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:25,319
Oh, no, siree, Bob. It
was a tragic accident.
66
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:26,639
Gus, the fireman said
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00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,999
that somebody filled the
wastepaper bin with petrol.
68
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,919
Well, you know what this place is like.
69
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,599
People Chuck all kinds of stuff in
the bin. It was just sloppiness.
70
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,799
Gus, it was an insurance fire. Well,
it couldn't have been sir roysten.
71
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:39,959
Scoffs
72
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,679
I'm going to prove you
all wrong, George.
73
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,999
I'm going to see sir roysten in
person, straighten this out.
74
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,439
But you'll never get to see him!
75
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,999
He lives behind huge
walls, and, apparently,
76
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,839
he has these reinforced
steel doors that slam shut
77
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,599
whenever he feels threatened,
78
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,559
and a private security force
that shoots intruders.
79
00:03:58,560 --> 00:03:59,960
That was a misunderstanding.
80
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,159
Besides, those children shouldn't
have been scrumping on his property.
81
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,720
But... George, George,
George, don't fret so.
82
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,559
I know sir roysten has
not forsaken me. Hmm?
83
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:13,720
Gus chuckles
84
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,559
any jobs in the offing? Just the one.
85
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,079
My girlfriend's offered to
employ me delivering sandwiches
86
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,959
for her send-out service,
the sarnie army.
87
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,959
Oh, well, that sounds, um...
88
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,159
Humiliating is the word that
you're looking for, George.
89
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,280
And, uh, this is the catalogue
for your new exhibition.
90
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,279
Oh, I see you've mentioned
me head-butting that critic.
91
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,879
It makes me sound a bit disturbed.
92
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,439
Well, you're an artist. You're
supposed to be disturbed.
93
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,959
And, ideally, you should have
at least three mental illnesses
94
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,000
and a missing ear.
95
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,280
I, uh... don't suppose you'd
have dinner with me tonight?
96
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:53,879
I mean, if I'm a non-starter, just say.
I won't be offended.
97
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,840
No, it's not that, it's, um...
98
00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,079
..I'm just a bit wary of being
messed about, that's all.
99
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,480
Dinner's fine. All right,
I'll pick you up at seven.
100
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,000
You like him, don't you?
101
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,399
Yeah, well, he's not like other
men I've met. In what way?
102
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,439
Well, he listens,
103
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,160
he washes and he doesn't
stare at women's arses.
104
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,880
Panting
105
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,239
this is the heart of darkness.
106
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,239
The Amazon rainforest,
107
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:34,319
deep in the territory of a fearsome
Indian tribe, the mahatawa.
108
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:40,519
To get here, I have canoed 250
miles, just me and my camera.
109
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,799
An amazing feat of endurance
which I have achieved
110
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:48,159
with no technical back-up, and
unhampered by nervous illness.
111
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,199
All I can do now is simply wait,
112
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:56,679
wait for my encounter with the
mysterious and elusive mahatawa,
113
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,799
a tribe known as "the
invisible people",
114
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,599
because due to their tracking skills,
115
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,119
you never know when they are close...
116
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,400
Thud
117
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,800
TV play no.
118
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,040
No!
119
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,079
No, it's not that I'm not grateful
for your very kind offer,
120
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,080
Amanda, my darling, it is just that...
121
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,239
On TV: 'Welcome our next
guest, it is...' Yeah, well...
122
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,039
All right, yes.
123
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,279
I am not prepared to
cycle around London
124
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,999
delivering banana, horseradish
and seaweed sandwiches,
125
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,119
while wearing a black
and white stripy outfit
126
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,240
that makes you look
like a sodding zebra!
127
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,119
Cheering on TV
128
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,840
Helen gasps
129
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,439
oh. I'm sorry, Helen.
130
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,519
I thought everyone had gone home. I...
131
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,560
Oh...
132
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,120
You look absolutely stunning.
133
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:54,800
Yes, I do, don't I?
134
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,919
It's just a shame no-one
will see the dress,
135
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,520
given that Gordon has banned
all guests from my wedding.
136
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,400
Though, he did allow me
to invite my parents.
137
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,000
Oh, good. But, sadly,
they can't attend.
138
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,759
Oh. Right.
139
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,679
Yes, they have a prior arrangement.
140
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,320
They have to take some
bottles to be recycled.
141
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,639
Right...
142
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,919
'Now, your wife wrote in
and nominated you for our'
143
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,880
"most sexually inadequate man
in Britain" competition.
144
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,959
I do actually have a six-page letter
145
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,039
here from your wife. Um...
146
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,640
She writes all about how
you can't get a stiffy.
147
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,279
Actually, talking about useless
pricks, did you see earlier,
148
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,759
that item we had when we
got Vic, our researcher,
149
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,920
to eat a pizza topped with ham,
and swarfega and dried bogies?
150
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,879
Brilliant, wasn't it, Henry,
my main man? Well, it was ok.
151
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,679
Clears throat ok?
152
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,040
Yeah.
153
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,999
Laughs I love this guy!
154
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,359
I love this man, Nigel, eh?
155
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:03,079
Do you love me, my main man? Of
course, dear boy! Yeah, yeah?
156
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,119
Well, why don't you show
me how much you love me,
157
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,600
by taking off that wig?
158
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,119
What?
159
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,479
You heard me.
160
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,239
I said, "show me how much you
love me by shedding the syrup."
161
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,279
Huh? We all want him to
shed his syrup, don't we?
162
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,279
Audience member: Shed the syrup!
Yeah, come on.
163
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,799
Chanting: Shed the syrup!
Shed the syrup!
164
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,319
A few join in shed the syrup!
165
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,479
Well, I'd rather not, if
it's all the same to you.
166
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,359
Well, what you want doesn't matter,
Henry, because this is my show.
167
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,839
But... just hand it
over, you old fool. Eh?
168
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,599
What's the matter, cat
got your tongue? Eh, eh?
169
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,919
If you want to say something,
come on out with it.
170
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,159
Eh? Come on, don't hold back, say it.
171
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,479
And the other thing my
parents never explained
172
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,040
was why they always told
people I died in a car crash.
173
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,600
She sobs I'm sorry.
174
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,799
Oh, it's all this talk about parents
and kids not talking to each other.
175
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,999
You know, it's only three
weeks since dad died and...
176
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,559
Sniffles don't cry, Helen.
177
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:07,199
I'm sorry, it just creeps up on me
sometimes. No, I mean don't cry.
178
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,920
I find it embarrassing.
179
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,719
Oh, right.
180
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,679
Well, I think, if you don't mind,
I'd better take the dress... off.
181
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:16,720
I'll, um...
182
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,519
Henry shouting on TV I
can hear Henry ranting!
183
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:22,559
'And worst of all,
184
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,159
'you snivelling apology
for a human being, '
185
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,879
you epitomise everything I've
come to hate about the seedy,
186
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,719
smug, digitally-enhanced,
187
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,279
patronising conman that is television!
188
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,799
You're infantile, arrogant, odious,
189
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,599
egotistical, insensitive
and totally vacuous!
190
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,679
Time for a break. I haven't
finished yet! Oh, god.
191
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,080
Might as well pull up a chair, I
think this could go on for a bit.
192
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:53,920
But mr mandelson denied
having visited any such shop.
193
00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,039
And so, we come to the end
of this final broadcast.
194
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:04,119
And I would like to thank you,
the little people out there,
195
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,199
leading your humdrum
lives in the darkness,
196
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:11,159
who've given me such
devotion over the years.
197
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,839
Goodbye, and bless you.
198
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,360
News sting plays
199
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,199
'ok, the studio is now off-air.
Thank you, everybody.'
200
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,119
cork pops there we go.
201
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,439
Well, say something, George.
202
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,559
I don't know want to say.
203
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,919
I'm not a natural orator like Henry.
204
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,599
Oh, wasn't he magnificent last night?
205
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,399
Well, he'll be totally
unemployable now.
206
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,439
He used the "f word" live on TV.
207
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,640
Yeah, the "f word", the "b word",
the "f-ing, b-ing c word".
208
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,959
Wait! Where are you going?
We're about to party.
209
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,799
Ah, I'm not in the mood.
210
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,319
But it'll be full of drunk,
married women. Your favourite.
211
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,680
Some other time, ok?
212
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,240
Say goodbye to the others for me.
213
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,799
How was your dinner with Vivian?
214
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,839
He seems very pleasant.
215
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,119
Yeah... he seems nice,
but I don't know.
216
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,039
It's a big step, placing
your trust in someone.
217
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,480
You have to trust people sometime.
218
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,200
You trusted Margaret.
219
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:14,600
Yes...
220
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,159
..Yes, I did.
221
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,519
And she abused that trust, didn't she?
222
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:24,239
Time and time again. Exploited it to
twist you round her little finger.
223
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:25,280
Didn't she?
224
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,680
Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
225
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,679
Clapping
226
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,000
come on, come on. Shoo,
shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
227
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:41,439
This is Damien day, deep in
the amazonian rainforest,
228
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:46,199
where the previously undiscovered
mahatawa tribe have made me...
229
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,439
A god.
230
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,759
Yes, George, Gus, Helen... a god.
231
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,359
They worship me all day,
232
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,759
and my name is so holy that
the last person to utter it
233
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,759
was covered in honey and
tethered over an anthill.
234
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,879
Not something I think you'll find
happened when you say "Kate adie".
235
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,640
Watch this...
236
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,639
Chuckles obviously, mother,
237
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:15,079
I'm terribly sorry that I didn't
become a professor like you wanted,
238
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:20,279
but I suppose I'll just have to
make do with being a god instead.
239
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,199
Murmuring what... What are you doing?
240
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,999
No, put that down! Leave the
camera alone, put it down.
241
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,039
Look... they're gonna
sacrifice my bloody camera.
242
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,439
No!
243
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,039
No, Margaret, I've made up my mind.
244
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,919
You've abused me, robbed me,
245
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,119
stabbed me, had sex with
most of my male relatives,
246
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,160
and crocheted obscene additions
into my bunny cardigan.
247
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,999
You can't turn around and
expect me to nurse you.
248
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,319
Henry!
249
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,359
I'm sorry I missed the last bulletin,
250
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,119
but I've been imbibing a
few bottles of bolly.
251
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:58,439
The way you trashed Wes Jasper last
night, we were so proud of you.
252
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,279
Yes. Even though it means
you'll never work on TV again.
253
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:06,119
That's right, I probably have
burnt all my boats there.
254
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,919
But I don't give a monkey's,
255
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,399
cos I've landed a brilliant
job on radio! What?!
256
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,799
It's true, yeah. Last night,
as soon as I got home,
257
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,679
the chief exec of radio gab rang
me to offer me my own phone-in.
258
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,519
A phone-in?! Yeah, it's true.
259
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,919
All I have to do is ridicule
stupid comments made by morons.
260
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,520
It'll be just like working here.
261
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,360
Only, with a little more variety.
262
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,959
Well... congratulations, Henry.
A shrewd move.
263
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,880
I've always said you have
the perfect face for radio.
264
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:41,359
And you, my dear, have the
perfect face for trampoline-ing.
265
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:45,040
Touche. Or in your case, toupee.
266
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,999
My god, I... I'm gonna miss this.
267
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,359
No, Margaret. No!
268
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,080
You're not going to
make me feel guilty.
269
00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,479
No, I'm sorry, but I don't believe
you're having another heart attack
270
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,759
right at this very minute.
271
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,159
You can gurgle all you like.
272
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:09,479
George dent is off to
be happy in Australia!
273
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,520
Cheering
274
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,679
now we come to the vows.
275
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,199
Do you, Gordon Julius Miller,
276
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,040
take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife?
277
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,640
To have and to hold,
from this day...? I do.
278
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:36,239
And do you, Sally smedley...?
She does, as well.
279
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,879
No, the bride has to
answer for herself.
280
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:46,040
Do you, Sally smedley, take this man
to be your lawful wedded husband?
281
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:49,720
To have and to hold...?
282
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,120
Car approaches
283
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,639
I'm Gus hedges, chief
executive of globelink news.
284
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,599
You're not down here. Have
you got an appointment?
285
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,199
Not as such. Chuckles
286
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,960
I'm sorry. Nobody gets in
without an appointment.
287
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,840
Did you call me... a nobody?
288
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,759
No, I did not call you a nobody.
289
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,999
I simply identified you as part
of the great collective nobody.
290
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,040
I...
291
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,600
Now, you listen to...
292
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,200
Stammering: That...
293
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,319
I've had enough!
294
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,359
Do you hear me? Enough!
295
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,280
Dogs barking
296
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,239
excuse me, sir, this
is a private property.
297
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,479
Argh!
298
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:44,999
Enough!
299
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,759
Guard groans
300
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,600
yes?
301
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,120
Camera snapping
302
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,559
ooh! No, don't, no, it's all right!
303
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,199
Well... I just wanted to
get the dress on record.
304
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,640
Snaps fingers Sally.
305
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,120
He'll make your life a misery.
306
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,719
The man has no heart!
307
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,440
No, you're wrong there, Helen.
He does have a heart.
308
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,560
But it has got a very weak aorta.
309
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,039
What?
310
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:20,079
I felt it was my duty as a wife
to get the full medical picture,
311
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,119
and, sadly, it appears that the
wall of his pulmonary artery
312
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,239
is so hardened, that he
could be struck down
313
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,079
by a massive aneurysm
at almost any moment.
314
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,240
Sally!
315
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:31,520
Coming...
316
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,600
..My dearest darling.
317
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,040
Engine revs
318
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,959
let me alone, woman, I shall see
sir roysten now. How dare you?!
319
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,919
Enough! Enough, I say!
320
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,199
I am sorry, sir roysten,
he just burst in.
321
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,000
It's all right, miss
Frobisher, it's all right.
322
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,800
Why don't you return my calls?
323
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:10,320
I have tried so hard to please you.
324
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,440
People like me...
325
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,360
..We waste our lives for...
326
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,280
..For what?!
327
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:25,360
For a fat man... in a big house!
328
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,360
And what do we get in return?
329
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,280
Broken minds.
330
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,520
Dead souls.
331
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,840
Scorched eyebrows.
332
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,120
Sighs
333
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:51,119
well... let me tell you something!
334
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,160
What...?!
335
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,840
On intercom: 'Yes, sir
roysten?' Miss Frobisher...
336
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,000
..Who was that man?
337
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,120
Bird squawks
338
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,999
look, it's been terribly
nice to meet you all,
339
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,039
and to be your god and
everything, but I really have to
340
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,400
be getting back to civilisation
now to sell my story... hold it.
341
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,120
Murmuring
342
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,559
good turnout.
343
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,639
Isn't that the critic whose nose
you broke? What's he doing here?
344
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:53,519
Pushing his luck. Dave charnley. I
thought we'd seen the last of you.
345
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,359
Yeah, well... um, what are you doing?
346
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,279
It's a piece of performance art.
347
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,599
I put food in my pocket,
take it home and eat it.
348
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,240
I'm hoping to win the Turner prize.
349
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,479
Have you checked out
the social security?
350
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,119
Yes, they think I'm dead.
Oh, no, why? Basically,
351
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,799
because I told them I was dead.
352
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,359
I sent them a fax a couple of years ago
353
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,399
when they were after me
for national insurance.
354
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,559
Henry laughing
355
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,239
look, it's Henry. Yes, Henry.
356
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,919
Oh, Helen, dear girl.
357
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,639
Allow me to introduce
Veronica and Izzy.
358
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,200
They are the frontrunners for the
vacancy as my studio assistant.
359
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,920
Well, have you considered Dave?
360
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,319
Dave who?
361
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,959
Oh...
362
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,159
So, I told Margaret straight.
363
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:40,559
I told her I felt no sense of
misplaced duty towards her.
364
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,039
Well, that's just as well,
365
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,199
given that you and I are flying
out to Australia tomorrow.
366
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,320
Yes. You're my future, sue.
367
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,079
You make me confident.
You make me happy.
368
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,880
You keep my viral warts at bay.
369
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,080
To Australia.
370
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:00,560
Australia.
371
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,480
Both: To joy merryweather.
372
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:10,119
I trust that you'll be writing reams
of purple prose about my discovery.
373
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,639
Well, provided you keep
those cheques coming,
374
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,839
I'll write whatever you want
about her infantile scrawl.
375
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,679
Please... her naive minimalism.
376
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,319
Yes, well, she must be
naive not to realise how
377
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,479
you are screwing her on the takings.
378
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,120
Well, soon I hope to be
screwing her in every sense.
379
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,199
Woman: 'Personally, I
blame the teachers.
380
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,919
'In fact, I took my eldest,
saskia, out of her last school
381
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,079
'because the headmistress there
used to sometimes wear slacks.'
382
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,479
yes, well, I'm sitting here trying
to devise a suitably witty riposte,
383
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,999
but I think I'm just going to
have to call you a stupid,
384
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,199
stuck-up, old tart. Would you like
to come back on that, lavinia?
385
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,959
'Well...' Well, you can't.
386
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,919
This is my show, and now,
387
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:58,040
my sexy and charming assistant
is going to play some music.
388
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,880
Music: 'What becomes of the
broken-hearted' by Jimmy ruffin
389
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,519
? as I walk this land of broken dreams
390
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:14,160
? I have visions of many things
391
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:20,039
? but happiness is just an illusion
392
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:24,719
? filled with sadness and confusion
393
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:29,399
? what becomes of the broken-hearted?
394
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:34,279
? Who had love that's now departed?
395
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,679
? I know I've got to find
396
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:41,360
? some kind of peace of mind. Maybe
397
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:49,719
? the roots of love grow all around
398
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:54,239
? but for me they come a-tumblin' down
399
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:58,879
? every day, heartaches
grow a little stronger
400
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:03,879
? I can't stand this pain much longer
401
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:08,759
? I walk in shadows searching for light
402
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:13,439
? cold and alone no comfort in sight
403
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:18,279
? hoping and praying
for someone to care
404
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:22,879
? always moving and goin' nowhere
405
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:28,199
? what becomes of the broken-hearted?
406
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:32,359
? Who had love that's now departed
407
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,839
? I know I've got to find
408
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,599
? some kind of peace of mind
409
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,640
? help me
410
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:47,679
? I'm searching though I don't succeed
411
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,519
? but someone look
there's a growing need
412
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:55,879
? all is lost there's
no place for begin... ?
413
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,479
That's all we've got time for.
414
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,519
This is Henry Davenport saying
cheerio and sleep well tonight,
415
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,199
unless you're Jeffrey archer,
416
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,199
in which case, may you sleep very badly
417
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,520
and wake up with haemorrhoids
the size of watermelons.
418
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:11,959
Applause
419
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,400
didgeridoo plays
420
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,760
siren wails
421
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,360
come along, then, Margaret.
422
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,240
Let's go home.
423
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,280
Plane passes
424
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,680
children playing, laughing
425
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,680
uh, what about this one, then?
426
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,680
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com
427
00:24:31,730 --> 00:24:36,280
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